Original subtitles

- good morning. Gentlemen. - morning.

- morning. - morning, barn.

I see that sergeant Harris is not yet checked in.

He's moving into His new apartment.

You know, gentlemen, It appears to me

That tardiness Has become the rule

Rather than the Exception around here.

Ohh!

Something I can Help you with, wojo?

You know why so many people

Kill themselves At christmastime?

Depression, loneliness.

No, so they don't have to Buy christmas presents.

That's a consideration.

I don't know how I'm going To afford it this year.

Well, one thing you Don't have to worry about,

And that's buying a Present for me, because...

Don't worry. I'm not.

Oh.

Uh, good.

I'll be lucky if I can Swing one for my mother.

Surprised to hear that, wojo,

What with your Sergeant's raise this year.

Yeah, I was better off On a third grader's pay.

Yeah, now I'm going To better restaurants,

Seeing more movies,

Buying things on credit.

Your interests are broadening.

I think I caught it from harris.

That's a possibility, yes.

You seem to keep a Pretty good handle

On your finances, barn.

Well, I mean, I try to remain Relatively solvent, yeah.

You don't go Crazy buying things.

I think that's the point.

You've been wearing that Suit ever since I can remember.

Well, it's a good suit.

Yeah.

I mean, the style is timeless.

Yeah, right.

All right, come on.

Put these bags over There for me, please?

You're the boss.

Hey, look... And be Careful. Hang them up neat.

- morning, harris. - this is a nightmare.

What seems to...

I get to the apartment, barney,

And I got a moving van Full of my furniture,

And them crackers Are still inside.

Didn't you make arrangements...

Of course I did, barney!

They were supposed To be out last night.

What happened?

Well, you see,

I'm subletting it From this couple...

Harold and lois nemmings...

Because they're Getting a divorce.

But when I get there,

Harold tells me that they've Decided not to break up,

So they're gonna Keep the apartment.

Didn't you get them to sign...

So I go back with the Van to my old apartment...

Apparently not.

And this cretin of A manager tells me

That he won't Let me back inside.

Hey, man, are you crazy?

I said neat!

There are rolled Lapels in that bag!

No kidding.

Meanwhile, barney, here I am

With all my worldly Possessions in this guy's truck,

And it's costing Me 50 bucks an hour

While he just kind Of diddles around.

A very unfortunate Sequence of events.

Just standing here is Costing me 95 cents a minute.

Harris, you're just Going to have to find

A solution to this problem.

Such as?

Well, uh... I don't know.

You... You... You align all Your alternatives and, uh...

Could you speak a Little faster, please?

Why don't you put Your stuff in storage?

Then you can decide What you want to do next.

Then I got to pay this guy off, Then I got to pay for storage,

And then hire him all Over again when I move.

It's the best thing I Can come up with...

In the time allotted.

Barney, uh, call from dispatch.

Trouble over at 23rd near lexington.

- what kind of trouble? - they didn't say.

But it's called the Crichton laboratories.

It's a sperm bank.

Sperm bank?

It's like a regular bank, Only you don't deposit money.

I know what it is.

You and wojo.

- okay. - wojo, you're on with nick.

Actually, I'm dying to Know what the problem is.

Doubt if it's a robbery.

I doubt it, too.

There's not much of a Market for male gametes.

I have a sinking feeling That we have just entered

Another of your areas Of interest and expertise.

You might call it a passion.

- come on, woj, let's go. - yeah, yeah.

What do we got, nick?

Some kind of disturbance.

- yeah? Where? - at a bank.

Good. Maybe I should start A christmas club account.

It's up to you.

I just don't want to get Caught short again next year.

God forbid.

Come on, mrs. Bateman! What are you telling me?

It's murder! That's what it is!

I'm sorry, mr. Hamel. These things happen.

Hey, both you two... Calm down.

Calm down? You killed it...

The seed of my loins, The flesh of my flesh!

Let's not get Biblical about it, huh?

All right, what do we got here?

This is mr. Philip hamel.

The last philip hamel...

Thanks to her and Crichton laboratories!

This is, uh, ms. Helen bateman.

She's the chief cook And bottle-washer.

Laboratory supervisor!

Laboratory supervisor.

We got there, and mr. Hamel Here was tearing up the lobby,

Trying to get into the back.

Will you please tell him why?

Apparently, he went down There to check on his, uh...

Deposit.

Specimen. We call Them specimens.

Thank you.

And he got a little upset

When he found out his Specimen had gone bad.

Yeah, because You let it thaw out!

You let it die!

That's not true.

We looked after it just As if it were our own.

Baloney! You've been Giving me baloney all day!

Take it easy.

Look, captain, I'm sorry.

My wife and I have been Married for two years.

Now, there is absolutely no way

That, at this time, we can Afford to have a child.

So, I went and I had a...

Well, a vasectomy, you know.

And now, when I can Afford to have a child,

I'm not going to Be able to have one

Because of some stupid foul-up!

These things happen.

How do they happen? They're not supposed to.

I told you... We're not sure.

You're not sure. Where Does that leave me?

Let's not go around Again. Ms. Bateman...

If you have a seat over there,

Detective wojciehowicz Will take your statement.

Actually, this is the first time

A thing like this Has ever happened.

Yeah, so what am I... Mr. Lucky?

Sickening, huh, barn?

Well, it's different. I'll say that.

No, I mean the... Whole idea of it.

It's not natural.

Actually, it's more common Than most people think.

Since 1953,

More than 1,400 children Have been conceived

Through artificial insemination.

It's even more common in The breeding of livestock.

Proven to be a more Efficient and healthier way

Of impregnating dairy cows.

Fascinating.

Course, elsie isn't quite as Contented as she used to be.

Hi, barney. Hi, men.

Inspector, what Brings you around?

Well, just a little minor

Official administrative Business, barney.

Want to handle it in my office?

Whatever you say.

You got a fine group Here today, huh?

What's this... A Victim or a suspect?

Both.

- hmm? - victim.

My progeny, my Posterity... Gone!

Sir, I assure you,

The men of the 12th precinct

Will do everything within Their power to retrieve it.

Right, nick?

Within reason.

Hey, look. Don't you Get comfortable.

I want you ready to move.

Why, you got a Line on something?

There are times in a man's life

When it becomes Necessary to abandon

Some very basic principles

And debase and degrade oneself.

Hello, uh...

Look, I'm calling regarding The ad for the apartment...

In yonkers.

Uh, yes.

I was, um... Well, I'd like to r-rent...

Uh... Unfortunately, I have to...

Well, actually, you See, I am forced to.

Wait a minute. Look, I Just cannot do this.

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

Well, I tell you,

They pulled a few cases Out of the files downtown.

You know, unsolved Burglaries, thefts.

They want me to talk to Some of your men about it.

You know.

No, I don't know.

Well, they give me some drivel About certain detective squads

Are starting to slough off some Of the tough cases, you know?

Passing them back To the uniformed cops

So's not to muddy up their Own performance record.

That's ridiculous!

It's poppycock, barney!

I mean, there are certain cases That we do send back downstairs,

But, I mean, it's due to the Manpower limitations up here.

That's what I told Them downtown.

I can't be wasting my time Pulling stuff like this, barney.

I got much more Important things to do

Than to be snooping into The integrities of honest cops.

Thank you, inspector.

You're welcome, barney.

You got any dental floss?

Uh, no.

- credit card? - no.

Always pay cash. Good way to go, barney.

Hey, come on. Let's go.

- where? - what's the difference?

I just can't stand to see you

Sitting around on My money anymore.

All right, men.

We're gonna have a Little powwow here.

Nick, wojo, harris... A few words.

Now?

Yeah, before you Go shuffling off.

Shuffling off?

Yeah.

Shuffling off?!

You know what I mean.

I do not go shuffling off.

It is not in my nature To shuffle off.

It's just an expression.

I was on my way out

To take care of some Very pressing business.

You people got short fuses.

- inspector luger! - harris.

You know, I sho' would enjoy

Settin' around chawin' The hog wit' y'all.

But, uh, plain truth is Dat I gots to git myself

Somewheres to flop.

Elsewise dis here Intolerable weather's

Gwine ta freeze My bones fo' sho!

Bye!

Come on, let's go.

He's a great kidder, isn't he?

He was acting kind Of weird, wasn't he?

He's been under a lot Of pressure of late.

I mean, that "Sho' nuff"

And all that "Chawin' on the hog..."

He's just letting off Some steam, that's all.

No, it's like he thought I was A bigot or something, barney.

Inspector, believe me...

He was upset about something, And you happened to be here.

Because nothing could be Further from the truth, barney.

Uh, excuse me, inspector.

I mean, I think of harris

The same way as I think Of yemana here, right?

Yeah. A lot of people Get us mixed up.

- nick, you wanted something? - yeah, barney.

I finished writing up hamel.

Should I take him downstairs For prints and pictures?

Hold off on that for a minute.

I have nothing but The utmost respect...

Inspector, Inspector, believe me...

He didn't mean Anything personal.

I know a lot of the men think

I'm an old, over-the-hill Cop, barney,

Who comes in here from Time to time and bores them.

That's ridiculous.

You think I'm boring, barney?

Inspector, there's no reason...

I always thought I had a Pretty good sense of humor.

Get off a pretty good Story now and then.

I'm not exactly, uh, Herb shriner, but...

Inspector, you wanted To talk to the men?

Hmm?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dietrich.

Thanks, barney.

Dietrich, they dug A couple of cases

Out of the files downtown.

Do I bore you, dietrich?

You'd have to give me Some specific examples.

Okay, mr. Hamel. I got To put you in the cage.

Oh...

- hello? - hello, honey.

I'm mrs. Philip hamel, And my husband is...

Phil!

Hello, arlene.

Are you in some sort of trouble?

Inside. Inside, hamel.

Sergeant, this is my wife.

How do you do?

Phil, please, for god's sakes, Please tell me what's going on.

It's my specimen... At the bank.

I found out this Morning, it went bad.

Oh, my god!

Take it easy, mrs. Hamel. It'll work out.

How?!

Bum deposit at the bank, eh?

Right.

Deadbeat.

I'm afraid so.

Is that mrs. Hamel?

Yeah.

How'd she take the news?

Like a trouper.

Well, I think I'll Shuffle off, bar...

Think I'll be on my way.

Didn't you want to talk To the rest of the men?

Oh, we talked.

Right?

I can personally Go back downtown

And report that the integrity,

The ethics of this Squad are intact.

Right?

See you around, barney.

I'm, uh... I'm back.

Barney: so I notice.

What happened to your furniture?

It's on its way to poughkeepsie.

Now, that's a solution I Hadn't even considered.

Well, I've got an aunt up there.

She said she'd keep the Stuff in her basement.

Congratulations.

It's costing me 250 bucks, barney,

For him to drive the Stuff up there, but, uh...

Well, it was either That or buy the truck.

Harris? Uh...

We seem to have Had a slight problem

Communicating back there before.

I just want to apologize to you

If I inadvertently said Anything that offended you.

Inspector, um, I was edgy.

Good.

Because I got the greatest Regard for you, harris.

A warm, personal fondness.

I think you're a fine officer And a good human being.

Thank you, inspector.

Right.

It's something like that, huh?

Yeah.

See you around, boys.

Excuse me, are you in charge?

Yes, I'm captain miller.

You know, my husband,

He's never ever done Anything like this before.

He's not a criminal.

The problem, mrs. Hamel,

Is that I really don't have Any discretion in this matter.

It's pretty much up To ms. Bateman here

Whether she wants To press charges.

Somebody has to Pay for the damage.

You're damn right!

I'm talking about the furniture, Plants, our glass door.

We'll pay for them.

Mr. Hamel, you go Along with that?

No, absolutely not.

You'll go to jail!

Good. I'll make an Example of them!

But what am I supposed to Do while you're in prison?

Arlene, how long is it Gonna be? A few months?

A year at the most.

Well, suppose I meet someone.

Okay, you win. But I Want an itemized list.

Nick, turn him loose.

I can't thank you Enough, captain miller.

Don't mention it, mrs. Hamel.

Okay, just sign this,

And I'll give you Your valuables.

Well, your other valuables.

Goodbye, sergeant. I'm leaving now.

Yeah, well, thanks For your help.

You know, we also Take donations.

Yeah, I-I like to give Blood at the red cross.

I'm sure they appreciate it.

However, I think a man like you Would welcome the opportunity

To pass along his genes To a whole new generation.

Well, I sort of like to...

Keep track of where my genes go.

Pity.

That's it.

Yeah.

Well... Thanks.

Oh, phil, phil, it's not The end of the world.

It might as well be.

I don't got anybody To carry on my name.

Well, look, look... We can always adopt.

I don't want to adopt!

I want a boy like me!

Or a girl like you.

With your face.

And your eyes.

Your smile.

But now forget it. It's over.

Come on.

There is one other alternative.

Pardon me?

When a couple is No longer capable

Of having a child together, A method many people choose

Is for the wife to be Artificially inseminated

Using the specimen of a donor

With the same physical and Morphological characteristics

As the husband.

Okay... Let's go, arlene.

Can they really do that?

Yes, they can, mrs. Hamel.

Arlene.

We can go now.

We can leave now, Right, captain?

Yes, you can go.

I don't believe we've Been introduced.

For god's sakes, let's Get out of here, arlene.

I'm arthur dietrich.

- hi. - hi.

- arlene. - what?

Listen... You were right...

We can adopt.

- whatever you say, hon. - all right.

I thought you'd gone home.

Very amusing, barney.

Sorry.

Haven't made any arrangements For accommodations?

Nah, just thought I'd spend A couple of nights here.

I mean, if it's all Right with you.

It's okay by me,

But I would imagine there Are better alternatives.

Even, um... Bunking With dietrich.

Barney, please, I don't Care for that kind of talk.

You're really letting This apartment thing

Get the better of you.

Barney, it's...

It's not just the apartment.

I mean, it's everything.

When I got out of school,

I had a plan in my head

Of everything I was Gonna accomplish.

Had it all mapped Out... Everything.

I mean, by this time,

I'm supposed to have My first novel published,

A couple of Screenplays optioned.

I figured, um, a stock Portfolio worth,

Ah, $200,000.

Sounds nice.

And look at me now.

I mean, I not only Don't have any of that,

I don't even have A place to live.

Harris, we all set Goals for ourselves.

But you can't Expect to achieve it

According to some timetable That you set up for yourself.

I'm running real late, barney.

Well, look, maybe You haven't achieved

The progress you expected

In your literary career Or financially, but, uh...

Well, look at this.

You're a... You're a good cop.

You've done damn well.

I had planned to Be captain by now.

Oh, really?

I mean, it can't be that tough.

Well, I mean, uh...

Takes a little, uh...

Luck?

Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

And, of course, experience.

Thank you.

Here's the manpower Report. I'm gonna take off.

- okay, good night. - good night.

I thought you'd left.

Nah, I'm gonna Stay the night here.

That's silly.

I got an extra bed Just lying there.

Nah, it's okay, dietrich.

Sure, I don't blame you.

What?

Listen, I know you're Not crazy about me.

I know I'm opinionated.

I'm inclined to be a Little pedantic, I know.

Verbose.

Yeah.

I don't know. I get On people's nerves.

All my life, you know?

I don't know. I just Alienate people.

Hey, listen, man.

Don't, uh...

Maybe I'll take you up on it.

Oh, forget it.

No, come on, I really mean it.

No, that's okay, man. Forget it.

Please, let me Come home with you.

Okay.

Want to snap it up?