Original subtitles

Huh.

What's the matter? Nobody got any work to do?

Harris: fish, how are you?

- how are you? - all right.

To what do we owe this honor?

I had to come down to sign Some forms for my pension,

So I just thought I'd Drop in and say hello.

Hello.

He's a card, isn't he?

Come on, come on. Sit down.

Fish, here you go.

- fish. - yeah?

You want to sit At your old desk?

Oh, no, no. It's not necessary.

Same desk. Same chair.

No, that's all right.

Go ahead. Answer it.

Dietrich.

I'll get it.

Fish, give me your coat and hat.

Here you go, fish.

Oh, thank you, nick.

- so... - aren't you gonna drink it?

Uh... I'm just Taking my time, nick.

I've been clean for A while, you know.

I got your old cup, too.

Have you washed it?

Nope. Nobody's touched it.

Give you my word.

Captain?

There's been a robbery.

Yeah?

The hubbard Mortuary on 9th street.

I hesitate to ask.

Someone stole a body.

Harris, you and dietrich.

Uh, I'm expecting a call From a rental office, barney.

We take messages.

Oh. Yeah. Right.

Why would anybody Want a dead body?

They don't.

Sometimes it just happens.

Want some more coffee, fish?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks.

What you been doing, huh?

Oh, a little of this, A little of that.

Well, I mean, been going to Any ball games or hockey?

Sports don't Interest me anymore.

All the players I knew Have been dead for years.

Yeah, right.

Well, uh... How About, uh, theater?

Oh, uh... Museums or, uh...

Oh, I've been to, Uh, to the museum.

Oh, yeah? What did you see?

A lot of bones.

Mummies all wrapped up.

If it's dead, they Got one there.

Yeah. I guess so.

Hey, you know what I like to do, fish?

I like going to the zoo.

I mean, there's so Much life around a zoo.

Really, there's baby animals.

There's people laughing, Joking, talking, just living.

You know what I mean?

I took the kids there.

Oh, yeah. It's a Great place for kids.

Those big turtles there... Now, those are my favorites.

Tortoises.

Yeah, the big suckers.

Geez, they live Longer than anything.

We saw one that Was 260 years old.

I told you.

Died the day we were there.

That's a shame.

They had to lift him Out with a... With a crane.

Wow, it's too Bad the little kids

Had to see something Like that happen, huh?

They didn't know.

They thought it was flying.

That man is crazy.

He would have killed Me in my own mortuary.

Look, please just try and keep It down, will you, mr. Hubbard?

- just stay calm. - okay, okay. What's going on?

Uh, barney, this is Mr. Nelson hubbard.

- of the hubbard mortuary? - right.

He... He hit me over the head,

And when I came to, he was gone.

Who's he?

- mr. Lewis. - and who is mr. Lewis?

The missing stiff.

Once again from the Top. What happened?

Well, barney, it appears That a mr. Julius whittenour

Brought the Deceased in yesterday.

Then he came back today to Discuss the funeral arrangements

With mr. Hubbard.

He argued with mr. Hubbard Concerning the prices,

And then he hit Mr. Hubbard over the head

And absconded with the body.

Mr. Whittenour hit Mr. Hubbard and stole mr. Lewis.

Plus $75 worth of embalming.

Ah.

He said he wasn't Gonna pay me any money.

I said, "You signed a Contract." that's when he hit me.

Just take it easy, mr. Hubbard. Have a seat, will you?

Fish: uh, barney?

Use this chair.

Mr. Hubbard, sit over here.

Now, mr. Hubbard...

Do you have any idea Where mr. Whittenour lives?

Yes.

It's on this contract here.

Business is bad enough.

I mean, what with all the Modern medical techniques,

Pretty soon people are Liable to live till they're 100,

And then where will I be?

This the address... 602 cornelia?

Yes.

Okay. Wojo, nick.

Let's take a run Over to 602 cornelia.

See if you can find Mr. Whittenour and friend.

While you're at it, check All the local mortuaries.

See if mr. Lewis shows up.

Why would he want to Go to another place?

I have no idea.

Uh, barn, I got a lot of Work to do, you know.

- maybe nick... - do it when you get back.

You know how it builds up.

There is no better Mortuary than mine.

I'm sure, mr., uh, hubbard.

Through?

Check out peterson and Gilkirst on east 6th street.

He'll give you a lower rate. But you want to know why?

No, I don't.

You want to know why?

You know what you Get in a $300 casket?

- pressed sawdust. - mr. Hubbard...

It disintegrates.

It'll last two, Three years maybe,

And then your loved Ones are laying in dirt.

- mr. Hubbard... - uh, barn?

Want to laugh about linings? Call waterbury and kline.

Mr. Hubbard, just Take it easy. Just relax.

Barney, can I talk To you for a minute?

Excuse me, mr. Hubbard.

I got an organ.

Cost me $4,500.

Wojo, what is it That's disturbing you?

It's... It's the funeral parlor.

I mean, that's that music And those kind of people...

And, uh, the smell Of the flowers

Just makes me Want to... Avoid them.

Wojo, look, there are Certain things in life

That are unpleasant

That you're gonna have To learn how to deal with.

Flowers may be one of them.

Barney?

Barney... Look.

See, I had this really horrible Experience when I was a kid.

What happened?

Well, I was 6 1/2 and, uh, My grandmother died,

And, uh, my parents told me That, uh, she was just sleeping.

Oh, that's not uncommon.

I mean, death is a Pretty abstract concept

To try to explain To a 6-year-old.

I tried to wake her up.

Harris, dietrich!

You two go to the... Check Out the funeral parlors.

Wojo and nick will check Mr. Whittenour's address.

Okay, barn.

Hey, let's go, nick.

All right, mr. Hubbard.

I'll have to take Your statement.

Barney, uh, you're Shorthanded. Why don't I do that?

Don't be silly. I Can take care of it.

What do you think, I Can't do it anymore?

Ha. Don't be ridiculous.

I just thought... Well, look, I, uh...

I didn't want to impose.

You're not imposing.

Well, it would help.

Since when can't A friend help out?

Now, you let me know if you Have to leave or something.

Forget about it, barney.

I'll enjoy it.

Mr. Hubbard, sit over there.

Step inside, mr. Whittenour.

That's him! That's the Man that stole the body!

Okay, sit down, will you?

Ghoul!

Uh, this is julius Whittenour, barney.

This is captain miller.

Oh, uh, pleasure, captain.

Mr. Whittenour.

Uh, the apartment was Empty when we got there.

Mr. Whittenour was Getting ready to move out.

Oh, well, you see,

The two of us together Could hardly afford the rent.

And now, with leonard gone...

My sympathies for your Loss, mr. Whittenour.

Thank you.

You know, you would Have liked leonard.

Everybody liked leonard... Strangers, friends, animals.

You know, animals are a Very good judge of people.

Never trust a man Who can't get a squirrel

To eat out of his hand.

I'm sure mr. Lewis was A wonderful person.

Oh, oh, c-call him leonard.

He never liked formalities.

Of course. Have a Seat, mr. Whittenour.

Thank you.

You know, we started To share the apartment

When our wives died.

Barney: mr. Whittenour...

What have you done with leonard?

Why?

Well, we have to be sure That he was properly...

Disposed of.

Don't worry.

Leonard's all right.

I buried him.

Oh, my god! You're Not allowed to do that!

Just take it easy, mr. Hubbard.

That's illegal.

And non-union!

Now, look, I'm trying to Conduct an investigation!

Will you just take it easy?!

Control yourself. Sit down.

Where did you bury leonard?

Wh-what's the difference?

It's over. He's gone.

It's not quite over.

I mean, you can't just bury Somebody any old place.

Who says so?

The law says so.

Besides, a man is Entitled to be buried

With a certain Amount of dignity.

Dignity?

I buried him with love.

No luck, captain.

We checked every Funeral home in the area.

No sign of lewis or whittenour.

This is mr. Whittenour.

Just buried his Friend by himself.

No kidding.

Hey, uh, barn, did I get a Call from the rental office?

There's a message On your desk, harris.

Oh, thanks, barney.

Where'd he bury him?

Unfortunately, mr. Whittenour Refuses to tell us.

Will he give us a hint?

What do they mean, "Better try the bronx"?

Man, I ain't living in no bronx.

That's where the zoo is. Camels live in the bronx.

Mr. Whittenour...

You don't seem to understand

The seriousness Of this situation.

You could be charged With theft of a body,

With a health-code violation...

And assault.

Quiet, hubbard.

He owes me money, too!

That is a civil Matter, mr. Hubbard.

You're gonna have To sue for that.

We are concerned here Only with criminal violations!

And what about assault? Isn't that criminal?

That's criminal.

I'll sue him for that, too.

Be my guest.

Uh, who's the old man, nick?

That's, uh, mr. Whittenour.

Oh.

He buried his best friend.

I buried a lot of mine.

If he buried the guy,

It'd have to be somewhere He couldn't be seen.

Deserted building, a park...

Or in the river.

Would you throw a Friend in that river?

Barney, he couldn't Have taken him too far.

Not a building.

A park.

Central park?

Thank you.

Central park, mr. Whittenour?

It'll take you 10 Years to find him.

Mr. Whittenour, You can go to jail!

There are worse places.

Maybe we could use A metal detector.

Sometimes it's easy to overlook Loose change in the pockets.

Mr. Whittenour, I'm appealing To your sense of decency.

If you tell us where leonard is,

I promise you, the city Will give him a decent burial.

The city?

Pshh. They can't Afford it, either.

Well, you leave me no Choice, mr. Whittenour.

Harris, put him in the cage.

We'll turn it over to the d.A.

Right, barn. Mr. Whittenour?

Hmm? Oh.

Mr. Hubbard, you're free to go.

Sorry if we caused You any inconvenience.

Forget it. It Happens all the time.

Ripping off your Undertaker's a popular pastime.

I'll never get paid.

There are legal Avenues of restitution.

So what do I do, repossess?

A dilemma, mr. Hubbard, Truly a dilemma.

Uh, fish, has mr. Hubbard Completed his statement?

Yeah, and he's also filled Out an assault complaint

Against the old gentleman, too.

You haven't signed It yet, mr. Hubbard.

I haven't read it yet.

Take your time. Just take your time.

I prefer to do things Slowly and carefully.

I don't want to discuss it.

Barney?

Can I speak to you for a minute?

Would you like me to Talk to mr. Whittenour?

Oh, look, we've already Taken up too much of your time.

I think I understand The old man.

He may want to talk to Someone of his own era.

Well, look, you don't have to.

I know I don't have To, but I want to.

I did it for many Years because I had to.

Now I want to.

Well, look, I understand.

There's a big difference Between having to do something

And wanting to do something.

You see, barney, there is work, And then there are hobbies.

Harris, open the cage.

Stupid.

What?

Eh...

People spend their life savings

Just to go through all that Hoopty-do when somebody dies.

If they're gone, they're gone.

Ought to just plant them In the ground and forget it.

Death has been treated Ceremoniously for centuries.

Yeah, but all that crying And wailing and drinking.

Yeah.

Some cultures, the rituals Go on for days, even months.

The egyptians used to bury Their kings with gold, food...

Even their wives.

While they were still alive?

Sort of an incentive to Keep their husbands healthy.

Show me a sick king, I'll Show you a nervous queen.

That was one of the first jokes.

I don't blame you.

My insurance Premiums are killing me.

A friend like you Makes a lot more sense.

You dig a hole, put up a marker.

I don't suppose You put up a marker?

No marker.

Oh, that's a shame.

I know where he is.

Well, I hope he stays there.

Where's he got to go?

You know how parks are.

How are parks?

They never sit still.

They're always growing...

Like a zoo, a bathroom, Basketball poles.

They do a lot of digging, boy.

Tell you the truth, it was me, I Wouldn't want to be disturbed

To make room for A basketball pole.

Finished, mr. Hubbard?

Don't rush me.

Sorry.

I mean, where's the Fire, for god's sakes?

Uh, we were speculating

That perhaps you Had changed your mind.

Well, I haven't.

Just considering the Possibility of second thoughts,

Mr. Hubbard.

Sure!

What good would it Do for an undertaker

To have second thoughts?

That's funny.

What's funny about that?

We're just as human As any of you are!

Look, take it easy, mr. Hubbard.

It's just a strange emotional Reaction that people have

To the sort of work you do.

What about the Sort of work we do?

You need people to do The sort of work we do.

Uh, mr. Hubbard... If it weren't for us,

You'd be up to your Ears in the departed!

Harris, let me out.

Excuse me, mr. Hubbard.

Barney...

Whittenour told me Where the body is buried...

Drew a little map.

How did you, uh...

We understand each other.

This is the lake.

This is the 76th street Entrance of the park.

Here's leonard...

Right across from the Museum of natural history.

Very good.

It figures.

Nick, call the parks department.

Tell them where leonard Is, and call the coroner.

And if he wants to know why He's in such beautiful shape,

You can tell him who to thank.

I'm sure he'll appreciate it.

Now, mr. Hubbard, what About mr. Whittenour?

I don't care what You do with him.

Well, at the moment, That's strictly up to you.

Well, I'm tired Of being a heavy,

So you can take this complaint And stick it in your ear.

That's very Compassionate of you.

Thanks for noticing.

And just for the record, I Like to dance, I tell jokes,

I have a little Drink now and then,

And I go bowling On tuesday nights.

And I'm also sorry I lost my temper.

Perfectly understandable, Mr. Hubbard.

It's those damn Boris karloff movies!

Thank you for your Assistance, mr. Hubbard.

Don't mention it.

Bye.

Nick...

Turn mr. Whittenour loose.

What happens now?

Free to go, mr. Whittenour.

And leonard?

You're gonna take care of him?

- I have your word for it. - I promise.

Maybe I better go Down to the park

In case they can't find him.

Fine.

Uh, I'll run him over, barney.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.

If leonard was alive, He would thank you, too.

That's all right, Mr. Whittenour.

Of course, if leonard was alive,

There would be no reason For him to thank you.

In the meantime...

I'm very grateful.

All in a day's work, Mr. Whittenour.

Fish... I want to thank you.

Oh, barney, you don't Have to thank me.

No need of that.

I mean, sooner or later,

You'd have gotten The information.

You're all very capable, No question about it.

It's a matter of Time and experience.

Uh, barney, punch Me out, will you?