Original subtitles

Another one. Another darn thing.

Got you!

Wojo?

I'm under the desk.

Do you want to talk about it?

It's these cockroaches... They're driving me crazy.

Actually, the cockroach Is a remarkable creature,

Existing on earth Since the silurian age,

Over 400 million years ago.

Fascinating.

He's one of the most Durable and adaptive

Of all living things.

And he plays a vital role

In maintaining the Delicate ecological balance

That's necessary to sustain Life on our fragile planet.

Got that sucker.

Wojo, that greenberg Report finished?

Yeah, it's right...

Uh...

I guess I'll have to retype it.

All the bugs in your Bathroom are dead.

Thank you, mr. Keller.

Don't mention it. They Were dead already.

What about the bugs In my squad room?

Oh, I got to remove some Of the molding over there,

And in a couple of hours,

There will be nothing in This room that can move.

I hope you're referring To the insects.

What do you think... I spray people?

I'm a professional.

A small attempt at humor.

You know, I got the Power of life and death

Over these creatures.

They live in fear of me alone.

I'm their god, their master.

There's another one.

God.

I'll be right there.

I was just making conversation.

I mean, there's Nothing illegal...

Why don't you try and Keep it down, ladies?

"Ladies"... What is That supposed to be...

Some kind of sarcastic remark?

Look, there was no Sarcasm intended,

But I can see your point.

Miss capshaw, a Pleasure, as usual.

Ah, miss duquette.

Dynamite to see You again, captain.

Uh, they were soliciting At lafayette and 12th.

I was waiting for a bus.

And she can handle one.

And this is...

Oh, uh, yes, this Is roberta kerlin.

Captain miller.

How are you?

Fine. Thank you. How are you?

Fine, just fine.

Ladies, you all know The procedures.

Miss duquette, if You'll have a seat

Over there with sergeant harris.

And, miss capshaw,

Polly, you work so well With sergeant yemana,

Can we ask you to sit over here?

Can't I just pay My ticket and go?

Ticket?

I just thought... I really Can't stay too long.

Bear with us, ms. Kerlin. Bear with us.

Hey, barney, is he gonna Spray the whole room?

We got roaches All over the place.

Oh.

You sound like you're Gonna miss them.

A little.

Nick, they're filthy, Slimy, dirty little things.

Yeah, but they kind Of grow on you.

And one of them always Crawls up that leg and... And...

While I'm making Coffee in the morning,

And tries to steal A cube of sugar.

That's about as close as I've ever come to having a pet.

Mr. Keller: captain?

Yeah?

I'm sorry.

I, uh, sprayed over Your microphone.

Microphone?

I don't usually make mistakes.

I didn't know it was there.

Neither did we.

Hey, look, I mean,

Who would be interested In what goes on in here?

Nobody.

Then what's it doing there?

I don't know. It...

Look, it probably hasn't Been operational in years,

Probably left over from Some old investigation.

Or some new one.

There is no new one.

That we know about.

Look, let us not read

Any melodramatic Implications into this.

We have simply made a discovery

That is a trifle... Terrifying.

Disconcerting.

In any case, it's Disconnected now.

There's nothing to worry about.

Let's just forget about it, huh?

Unless there are others.

Thank you.

Uh, barney, maybe we Better have a look around

And see if we can find any More of the little devils.

Harris, come on.

Well, but, barney, they're Not gonna put in just one.

He's right.

All right, if it'll make You feel any better.

But just have a Casual look around

In the normal Course of your duties.

Right.

I don't think you're Gonna find anything.

It was just a thought.

Wojo.

Hey, barn, I was just...

Wojo, you're letting This get the best of you.

Barn, I just don't think it's Anybody else's damn business

What the hell we talk About around here.

That's right. It's like "1984."

Or 1942.

Now, look, I understand

That you all feel your Privacy has been invaded.

Well, I feel that way, Too. I feel the same way.

It's just that I can't see That there is any... Anything

To be gained by overreacting.

- keller: captain. - yes?

I found another Microphone... Over your desk.

Excuse me.

Hey, can't you write me up? I want to get out of here.

I got to look under Your chair first.

Hey, listen.

You write me up first, Then we'll talk about it.

- barney? - yeah.

How many of them Did you find in there?

How many what?

Bugs in your office.

Just the one, Harris. Just the one.

Just... There was no...

Did you check on our guests?

Uh, yeah, sure. It was Just the usual stuff.

Duquette and capshaw Are both on probation.

No warrants.

How about the other one?

She's clean. She's never Been arrested before.

- nothing, barney. - thank you.

What... Ah, stupid.

What?

I mean, somebody trying To pick up information

On a man like you.

If they are.

If they are.

Barney, look, you have honesty,

You have integrity, You have sensitivity.

You're dedicated and Devoted to your job.

Thank you, harris.

Sometimes I don't Believe you myself.

Look, I don't like the Implications of this thing

Any more than you do.

But I intend to behave in a Business-as-usual manner,

And I suggest you do the same.

Sure.

There's no one listening to us.

Hello?

Excuse me, but what Happened to the officer

Who was waiting on me?

He must have stepped out, ma'am,

But I'm sure he'll be Back very shortly.

I'll just pay the fine Now. How much is it?

I haven't the slightest idea.

I have $73, and if That's not enough,

I have a million credit cards.

Ms. Kerlin...

I have american Express, diners club.

Uh, we don't take those.

Bloomingdale's.

Not even that one.

What kind of place is this?!

Bloomingdale's... There's No place in new york

That doesn't take A bloomingdale's!

Just take it easy, ms. Kerlin.

We do not impose the fines.

That's the business Of the court.

Court? I have to go to court?

Possibly.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

That's a nice picture.

What?

Is that your family?

No.

Looks just like you.

I suppose it is.

That your husband and children?

That's bill, my husband, The one with the snide look.

That's billy jr., 13, tracy, 11.

Those are the twins.

They're 18 months.

Four kids... Congratulations.

You've certainly Kept your figure.

Well, you know, In my business...

Mrs. Kerlin...

This is the first time you've Ever done this, isn't it?

First time?

That's a laugh.

You can go crazy in Connecticut, you know?

Ironic, isn't it?

What's that?

4 million men in new york,

And the first guy who Propositions me is a cop.

Beginner's luck.

Tell me... Does your husband Know you're in new york?

No, he thinks I'm in the kitchen.

After the twins, I Jogged for seven months,

You know, to tighten up.

I figure I ran around The world twice.

Did he notice? No.

Did he look? No.

I just wanted somebody Somewhere to look.

Must be a better way Of attracting attention.

Maybe.

You know, it's amateurs like her

That's out there Glutting up the market

And bringing the prices down.

Uh...

There are some Areas, mrs. Kerlin,

That are, uh, better Left to the professionals.

Hear, hear.

- hey, barn. - yo.

Find any more bugs yet?

No, wojo, we haven't Found any more bugs yet.

Doesn't mean they're not there.

That's true.

What can we do about it?

What do you suggest, wojo?

Should I get on the Phone to internal affairs

And say "Hi, there. Captain miller here.

"Uh, me and the Boys at the old 1-2,

We were kind of wondering You you were out to get us."

You'd think they'd Tell us if they were?

Never hurts to ask.

Tracy?

Hi, it's mommy.

Listen, tracy,

Mother is going to be stuck In the city for a little while,

So if your father Gets home before me,

Just tell him I'm out.

He's there? No, Tracy, don't go get him.

Tracy! Hello?

Tracy! Tracy!

Oh, hi, bill.

How are you?

Yeah, I'm gonna be Tied up in town here.

Well, it's a little Bit hard to explain.

Don't jump on me.

I'm here.

What do you mean "Where"?

No, I don't want you To come and get me.

No, please.

Don't get abusive.

Well, all right, If you must know...

I'm at the 12th precinct.

It's just a police station.

Just an ordinary police station.

No!

No, please, don't come. I'll be home in a little while.

Please, bill, no!

Bill?

Bill?

Bill?

Good afternoon, men.

Hi, barney.

Barney: inspector.

Hey, boys downstairs tell me

You got a roomful Of cooties up here.

Yeah, they're pretty Much gone by now.

Only three of them left, huh?

They were referring to Bugs, inspector, roaches.

Yeah. Old precinct Crawlers, barney.

You know how we used to Get rid of them in the old days?

Take a lighted Cigarette butt, see,

Give them a little Zzzht! On their rumps.

Then they'd scoot Around the floor

Till they banged Their heads into a wall,

Knocked their little brains out.

Is that a fact?

Yeah, oh, they're dumb Bugs, them cockroaches.

I'd like to know how we Get rid of the other kind.

The kind that, uh...

Say again?

Unfortunately, inspector,

We've discovered a couple of Electronic listening devices.

This one came From over the cage.

Oh, I don't believe It, barney, huh?

Who'd... Who'd want to slap A surveillance on you guys?

I have no idea.

Could be, uh, internal affairs.

Internal affairs?

Internal affairs?

I said it's probably from Some old investigation.

Old investigation?

I hope not.

I mean, barney, I mean, even...

Even if these things Are still working,

You could record any Word spoken in this room,

And not one person

Would have anything They're to be ashamed of

Or they'd have to answer for.

Right, men?

That's right.

Right.

Ah!

What brings you Down here, inspector?

Oh, uh, let's... Let's talk in Your office, huh, barney?

I tell you, barney, There ain't nothing

I'd put past them... Them headhunters.

Inspector, at the moment, This is pure speculation.

No, no, I know all about Them bluenosed twerps.

You know, they've Been trying to get me

For 20 years, barney.

You know why?

That's because they're jealous.

That's what... Jealous of My authority, my position.

They're jealous of the Respect and admiration I get

From every man in my command.

It's the price you pay.

Yeah, always sucking Around, you know,

Trying to find some little Thing to twist and turn

And misconstrue into Something improper.

Snooping into your Financial affairs,

- investigating my sex life. - inspector...

Always trying to find some Little chink in your armor.

Inspector, I think there's Something I should tell you.

There's something I Should tell you, barney.

I'm not just gonna Stand here idly by,

Twiddling my thumbs,

While the honesty and The integrity of your men

Is being impugned

And the sanctity of your Squad room is being violated.

No.

No, they're gonna be Hearing from me downtown,

From frank d. Luger... Them bloodsuckers.

They may already Have heard from you.

Yeah.

We also found a Microphone in here.

How about this weather, barney?

Pretty nice.

Humid, though.

Uh, barney?

Uh, excuse me.

I'm gonna take the tacky trio Down for pictures and prints.

Leave mrs. Kerlin here. I'll take care of her.

Whatever you say, barney.

Uh, capshaw, duquette,

Let's go down and get Some pictures and prints.

Well, it's about time.

This is, uh, detective harris.

I'll be stepping Out for a wee bit.

10-4.

Barney, I gave your Office the once-over.

I think it's clean in there now.

Thank you, inspector.

Found some stuff in your couch.

Is this your quarter?

I don't know. It's my couch.

Well, if anybody Puts in a claim for it,

They know where to find me.

Think I'll be running Along, barney.

Uh, this is detective harris,

Returning back from Pictures and prints.

That's enough, already.

It's just my way Of coping, barney.

And this is my way of coping.

Yeah.

Uh, ladies, you want to Resume your positions, please?

Hey, uh, they sent me up here.

They said... Roberta?

Hello, bill.

Roberta?

Bill, please, don't Make a scene.

What the hell's going on Here?! Who stole your clothes?!

Mr. Kerlin, I'm captain miller.

What's going on? Why is my wife here?

Was she mugged or something?

Your wife has been detained.

Detained? What's "Detained"?

Arrested.

Arrested? For what?

Well, actually, Uh... Soliciting.

Soliciting... That's Prostitution.

Look, there were many factors...

- he must be kidding! - bill, let me explain.

You were out on the street, Trying to pick up guys?!

No, guys were out on the Street trying to pick up me!

Now, look, the two Of you, let's calm down!

You're a tramp!

Is that all you Can do... Criticize?

Look, there were Mitigating circumstances...

She's a tramp, huh? Huh, that ain't a tramp?

Look. Looks like a tramp.

All right, let's just Give it to him straight.

- mrs. Kerlin. - no, no, no, no.

Let's just tell him like it is.

They finally got me, billy boy.

They finally busted The hottest property

This side of the adirondacks.

You think I spend All my time up to here

In oatmeal and dirty shorts?!

Ha ha ha ha!

Well, you're wrong!

I'm out there, swinging Through manhattan,

Knocking out the Male population,

And then stuffing the money Into a swiss bank account.

All that jogging paid off, baby.

You're nuts.

I'm nuts, am I?

Tell him, girls.

Tell him how I'm number one Out there on the east side.

Tell him how I'm Queen of the village.

Go on... Tell him.

That's her, baby...

Biggest thing Since the hula-hoop.

Cornered the market...

Left us girls scrounging Around picking up crumbs.

So, you see, even if You're not interested,

There are a lot Of people who are.

I don't believe you.

You see?

Try and get a Compliment if you can.

Listen, I want her out of here.

Mrs. Kerlin isn't being held.

But I thought you said...

Insufficient evidence.

Oh, you mean she Didn't do nothing.

It appears mrs. Kerlin's First opportunity

Turned out to be A police officer.

Oh.

Roberta.

What is it?

He said we can go.

Oh, yeah, big deal.

Roberta...

If that guy wasn't a Cop, would you have?

You know what I mean.

Roberta?

Roberta?

You got it.

Barney, they got Duquette and capshaw's

Bail tickets downstairs.

All right, ladies, You're free to go.

All right!

Uh, let's not forget to Check out at the desk.

Well, I guess I'm Gonna be going.

I'll, uh, look forward To seeing you again.

Yeah? Well, I wouldn't Mind that, either.

I was speaking professionally.

Well, me too.

Well, captain, it's Been a pleasure.

As always.

See ya.

Uh, and listen,

I don't know what this Bug stuff is all about,

But I just want you and Anyone who may be listening

To know that the men of the 12th are number one in my book.

I meant that Figuratively, of course.

We certainly have a quiet Squad room tonight, don't we?

Better safe than sorry.

Nick, I can't hear You. Speak up.

- better safe than sorry. - thank you.

And that goes for The rest of you.

Now, what are you gonna do,

Spend the rest of your Career speaking in hushes?

Or talking to the plaster?

You are cops. You are good cops.

You've got nothing To be ashamed of!

That's what Inspector luger said.

But it sounds better Coming from you, barn.

And, uh, to whom it may concern At the other end of those wires,

I would like to make An announcement.

We intend doing business As usual around here...

Keeping the order, Protecting the public,

And occasionally Making a mistake or two!

But consider this!

You, too, may make An occasional mistake,

And somebody may Be listening to you!

Have you thought about That?! Well, think about it!

- uh, captain. - what?

It might interest you to know

That I traced the Wires to the storeroom.

They're all chewed up. They're chewed right through.

Rats, probably.

Oh.

Corroded, rotten...

Must have been there for years.

All that hugger-mugger, And no audience.

It sounded good, barn.

Even if no one was listening.

Thank you, wojo.

If anybody wants Me, I'll be in my office.

Repeat performance?