Original subtitles

Okay, duty roster for tomorrow. Four off, four on.

Fish, you and Chano. Nick, you and Wojciehowicz.

How much longer

is Harris going to be on court duty?

Tuesday, he was wearing his brown suit,

Wednesday, his houndstooth jacket.

Today, he was wearing the blue gabardine.

He ought to be through on Monday.

He only has two more outfits.

So long.

Yeah, okay.

Captain, we just booked this guy.

He's drunk.

Disorderly conduct.

I think that is a total exaggeration, don't you?

What'd you bring him up here for?

This isn't a drunk tank.

He's a government official.

His name's Heis.

Name's not Heis.

Name's Heis, not Heis.

Mr. Heis... That's better.

Is it true you're with the federal government?

I'm with the federal government, did you know that?

What is your connection

with the government?

I happen to be the chief of

the Bureau of Federal Regional Development and Planning

for Underdeveloped Suburban Areas,

Mines, Parks and Indians.

That was my payoff in the last election.

How do you like that?

They say he delivered 49 states.

Well, donkey dust. Six of those states were mine.

Soon as the election is over, he called me into his office,

you know... And he said,

"Ed, that was a bang-up job you did in the last election,

"and to show my appreciation,

"I'm going to make you the chief of

"the Bureau of Federal Regional Development and Planning

"for Underdeveloped Suburban Areas,

Mines, Parks and Indians."

Well, thanks a bunch, big fella.

What are you doing in New York, Mr. Heis?

Well, I happen to be involved

in a series of meetings

to...

Did you know there are over 1,200 federal bureaus

in Washington, D.C.?

The operator says most of them aren't listed separately.

No number on the card?

There's no room on the card.

Where the hell's Chano?

It's almost lunchtime. He's not in yet?

Oh, yeah, he called in. He's on something.

That's good, you got all the details.

Well, he was hot,

and when he gets hot, he starts talking fast,

and half of it's in Spanish.

I mean, that's how come

I flunked Spanish in high school.

You've got to talk fast

or it's wrong.

Latins are very emotional people.

I flunked Latin too.

You know what I hate?

Prunes?

I hate people that got no respect

for the property and rights of other people.

That's what I hate.

Also, promptness. Where the hell have you been?

Investigating a burglary.

Where?

In my apartment.

You mean you got ripped off?

Can you believe that?

You know, on my door,

it says, "Amenguale, Chano,

Sergeant, N.Y.P.D.,"

and in spite of that...

I told you, hot and fast.

What time did it happen?

I don't know, last night,

between 11 p.m. and 6 a.m.

Oh, while you were sleeping? Yeah.

You didn't hear anything?

I don't sleep in my apartment.

I hope it was worth it.

Oh, yeah.

It's the principle of this thing that bothers me.

All right, just try to look at this

as an everyday burglary

and fill out a report.

Yeah, Barney, that's easy for you to say,

but you know how embarrassing it's going to be

for me to put my name down under "victim"?

Oh, my God,

will somebody help me?

Good morning, Mr. Heis.

How are you feeling today?

Am I in an elevator?

Not in this building.

You're in the 12th Precinct,

sir.

12th Precinct? Where's that?

On Sixth Street.

In what city?

New York.

You think you can handle a cup of coffee?

I'd very much like to try.

Nick, let him out.

Try to make him as comfortable as possible.

Okay, Mr. Heis, mezzanine.

Drinking should be done in the privacy of one's home...

where it's necessary.

Here you are, Mr. Heis.

Oh, thanks, that tastes great.

Would you like some more?

No, thank you.

I don't think I can handle what I've got.

Where's the...?

I don't want to hear, "Murray, where you been?

Where are the sandwiches? You said 12:15. It's 12:30."

Murray, where you been? It's 12:30.

I told you I didn't want to hear that.

Who gets the pastrami with mayonnaise?

I do. It figures.

Who gets the corned beef

with ketchup?

Here.

You should know better.

Two hard-boiled eggs, cottage cheese,

hot water and half a lemon?

Mine. I'm sorry to hear that.

Ham and cheese?

Mine.

Turkey-egg salad combo?

That's mine.

Liverwurst?

Also mine.

Animal.

Hey, where's my sashimi and cream cheese

on a bagel?

Here, it's called "lox."

The hell it is. We had it before you did.

Your total, gentlemen, is $10.87,

not including a generous tip.

Nothing for the man from La Mancha?

No, thanks, I lost my appetite,

along with an FM radio, a wristwatch,

and a sterling-silver frame

with a picture of my mother

on the mantelpiece.

Why would you take

a picture of your mother

on the mantelpiece?

Not a picture of my mother

on the mantelpiece, a picture of my mother

on the mantelpiece.

Understand?

Nothing to eat, right?

Right.

Here, Murray, keep the change, if there is any.

Is there any?

It's possible.

Thank you.

Enjoy, gentlemen, enjoy,

and may heartburn be a stranger to you.

So long, Murray.

Look what I found.

I am the only policeman in this precinct

who has ever been robbed.

Look what I found.

There's a dead fly in my sandwich,

right in the middle of my egg salad.

Oh.

You sure it's a fly?

Maybe it's a little piece of olive.

Since when do olives have wings?

When they die and go to heaven.

Hey, Chano, look at this thing.

Look, man, in my neighborhood,

if there's more egg salad than fly,

we don't complain, so...

Hey, Barn, isn't this against

the Sanitation Ordinance?

I would imagine so, yes.

Well, then,

this should be reported, right?

Don't be such a crime fighter.

Besides,

nobody else in the neighborhood delivers.

Hey, guys, look,

what if it hadn't been a fly, huh?

I mean, what if it had been a piece of rock

or a piece of metal I bit on?

Wojo's got a point there. There is a law.

I'm going to call the Health Department

and have them issue a citation.

It's your prerogative.

Thanks, Barn.

When I see one of my men so dedicated to duty,

I don't fuss around with him.

No, no, no, no.

We don't allow anybody from outside the neighborhood

inside the neighborhood, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, Health Department?

Yeah, this is Detective Wojciehowicz.

At the 12th Precinct.

Yeah, I want to report a violation

of sanitation code 1707

by a restaurant in our precinct.

Yeah, yeah.

Murray's Delicatessen on Hudson.

It was a foreign object

in my egg salad.

How are you feeling, Mr. Heis?

Any better?

Please, please, don't shake me like that.

Nobody touched you.

My God, you mean that's happening inside me?

I'm afraid so.

12th Precinct. Fish.

Speak English, will you?

Martinez?

Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him.

Chano, someone's in Martinez Pawn Shop

trying to sell your watch.

You're kid... Isn't that disgusting?

Hey, Barney, look, I'll be back at...

Soon, huh?

Would...?

Would you get me a cab, please?

I've got to get back to my hotel.

I'm afraid I can't do that,

Mr. Heis,

but you can use the telephone,

call a lawyer and arrange bail.

Bail? What bail?

You were arrested, Mr. Heis,

for being drunk.

Disorderly conduct.

Still kicking us around, hey?

We're all marked lousy

because one fella stubs his toe.

Mr. Heis,

the alcohol content in your blood

was above the legal limit.

I wasn't even in Washington that night.

I don't keep a grudge, Mr. Heis,

but you were drunk.

Oh, all right.

I do occasionally take a drink,

but it is because I do not like to fly.

I'm not nuts about flying myself.

Where's the telephone?

Right on the desk.

We're...

We're all supposed to be perfect, eh?

No one expects a politician

to be perfect, Mr. Heis.

God knows.

I appreciate the fact

we're more or less in the same business.

We both serve the public.

I'm only trying to help you.

Well, I'm not paying any damned bail.

Then you're just going to have

to stay locked up until the trial.

How...?

How would you like

to find yourself walking a beat

in an underdeveloped suburban area?

Hmm?

I'm going to pretend you didn't say that.

You want to take on the federal government?

You'd like to lock horns

with the United States of America?

Operator, I want to talk to Washington, D.C.,

person to person,

to the secretary of the interior.

This is Edmund J. Heis.

I happen to be the chief of the Bureau

of the Federal Regional Development and Planning

of Under...

Huh?

The Board of Health

just closed Grossman's Delicatessen.

They just called me.

That's the way it goes.

Yeah. That's the way it goes.

Yeah.

Well, Barney...

I'd just like to say how much I admire you

for standing up to that politician

the way you have.

Some days, this job is tougher than other days.

Yeah, I guess so.

People got to learn

they can't play fast and loose with the law.

You do what you have to do.

You take the consequences for your actions.

It's like... You and me against the world.

Those are frightening odds, Wojo.

I just made this fresh, Mr. Heis.

Oh, thank... Thank you very much.

Do you think I could call the secretary of the interior

again?

You already called three times.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

Well, that's Washington for you.

I know what you mean.

We've been trying to get an income-tax break

for retired police officers for 26 years.

They haven't called us either.

That doesn't seem fair.

I don't suppose you could put a word in for us?

I mean, after you get out.

I'll do the best I can.

What did you do to me?

You wanted to kill me, why wouldn't you shoot me?

You got plenty guns.

What's the matter, Murray?

What's the matter?

There's a padlock on my door

and a sticker,

"Closed by the order of Board of Health."

Death from a sticker.

Oh, I hope you're happy.

Take it easy, Murray, take it easy.

Oh, sure, take it easy.

Walk through my neighborhood

and listen to the yelling.

"Unclean, filthy person,"

they yell at me.

Children used to call me "Uncle Murray."

Now, it's "Dirty Grossman."

I was only trying to enforce the law, Murray.

Oh, so it was you, the Polish "Mr. Clean."

All right, all right. Take it easy, take it easy, take it easy.

What does the citation say?

It says, "Keep your mouth shut

and do what you're told."

Democracy in action.

Relax, Murray.

It says, "Clean the...

Repaint... Refurbish..."

Looks like you're going to have to remodel, Murray.

Remodel?

Take it easy. It's not serious.

Oh, it killed my brother.

Murray, all you do is put in a few new fixtures,

a little general renovation.

Oh, don't give me "general renovations."

What is it going to cost me?

Murray, it's not my department. Take it to the Board of Health.

They'll give you all the details.

Wonderful. You throw me to the lions,

now I gotta go ask

what parts they'd like to eat?

What did he do?

He sold Wojo

an egg-salad-and-dead-fly sandwich.

I remember when that came up.

All right.

Now, what's your name?

Ricardo Montalban.

You got a great sense of humor.

You're going to have a lot of fun in prison.

I'm not going to prison.

No? Where do you think they send you for stealing?

Disneyland?

I didn't steal nothing.

All right. What's your name?

Manolo Reyes.

How old are you?

12.

Where did you get the watch?

Somebody gave it to me.

Who gave it to you?

The guy who got his name on the watch.

And who's got his name on the watch?

C. Amenguale. He gave it to me.

I got a big surprise for you, kid.

I am C. Amenguale. What do you got to say to that?

Didn't you give it to me?

My God.

How old is he?

Twelve years old. Ain't that a shame?

"Cops and robbers" used to be a different game.

Yeah.

Somebody wanted to be a cop once in a while.

Get your stuff back?

Are you kidding? He sold it.

They got him with $40

in his pocket.

You imagine that?

For my picture frame and a brand-new stereo.

You may be a good burglar, kid. You're a lousy businessman.

Captain Miller.

Could I talk to you a minute?

Sure. Come on in my office.

Hey, Wojo,

what do you want me to do about lunch from now on?

Hey, we do what we have to do,

and then we take the consequences

for our actions.

Are you sure there hasn't been a call

from the Department of the Interior?

We wouldn't keep a thing like that from you,

would we, Mr. Heis?

No, no, of course not.

Well, it's pretty hard to keep track of all of us.

You know... You know how many bureaus

there are in Washington?

Over 1,200.

Oh, boy, do they know how to make bureaus.

Well, they've had a lot of experience.

You know, I... I don't blame them

for being upset about me,

because, you see,

this isn't the first time that...

I've been afraid of flying.

One time, in Kansas City, I was petrified for three days.

Did you ever try the train?

I'm scared of trains too.

Maybe your problem isn't travel, Mr. Heis.

Yeah, yeah. Well, you see... Well...

All I've tried to do is be a little meaningful,

but it's very difficult

when you're the head of a bureau

that takes five minutes to say

and 30 seconds to forget.

Would you like to try your office again?

Uh... No, I tried that.

All the extensions were out of order.

That's the first sign.

Ah, well, what the hell.

What I really wanted to say was...

could you help me arrange bail?

Barney, there's a lawyer outside

that says he represents the federal government.

Send him in.

Keep your fingers crossed, E.J.

Captain Miller?

Yes.

You're holding a government official

by the name of E.J. Heis?

Mr. Heis.

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Heis?

I'm an attorney with French, Edgeworth, Blare,

Jackson and Challenger.

How do you do, Mr. French?

The name is Boley.

Boley?

Wayne Boley.

Now, captain, I have a writ here

for the immediate release of Mr. E.J. Heis,

and may I say, Captain Miller, that I am amazed

that this kind of treatment could have been accorded

a member of the United States State Department.

Mr. Heis isn't with the State Department.

I beg your pardon?

I'm a bureau chief.

The Bureau of

Federal Regional Development

and Planning

for Underdeveloped Suburban Areas,

Parks, Mines and Indians.

I would say, Captain Miller,

you're going to have a great deal

to explain.

And to whom am I going to have to explain this great deal?

To the secretary of the interior,

I would think.

I'm afraid you've used

very poor judgment.

Now, please, Mr. Boley, just...

Let me handle this, let me handle this.

Let me straighten you out

as to a few facts, Mr. Boley.

Fine, I'd like to get the facts.

All right, the facts are

that this man was brought into this police station

completely and utterly...

The alcohol level in his blood...

Above the legal limit.

How much above?

Not much.

Then would it be inappropriate to say, Captain Miller,

that you are making a federal case of this?

You could say that, but you wouldn't be the first.

Mr. Heis, I think this can all be settled

very simply and very swiftly,

that is unless you wish

to make a point of the arbitrary arrest.

Arbitrary arrest?

Mr. Boley, I don't think

we can expect policemen to be perfect.

God knows.

God knows.

Uh...

Thank you very much for your hospitality.

My pleasure.

I won't be seeing you again.

Going back to Washington?

I think so.

Flying, Mr. Heis?

Bussing, Captain Miller.

I thought you were closed.

I bring you a bulletin.

Grossman's All-New Gourmet Delicatessen

will re-open on Monday,

bigger and better than ever.

Hey, that's great.

Forgive and forget.

Pride and progress sometimes needs a push.

I'm glad you feel that way, Murray.

I think you should also know

that all prices have been raised a minimum of 83%.

There goes night racing.

So long, Murray.

Here's your stuff.

You mean you had to buy it all back?

$52.

So the whole caper cost you $12. You got off cheap.

I'm on probation for a year.

No kidding.

I gotta report to you.

To me?

So I reported. Can I go?

Oh, well... You go to school?

Yeah.

Brush your teeth? Yeah.

Steal anything today?

Not today.