Original subtitles

12th Precinct.

Detective Sergeant Amenguale speaking.

No, ma'am, I'm sorry, but we can't trace them.

You see, there's very little we can do

about obscene phone calls.

No, ma'am.

No, ma'am.

Would you watch your language, please, ma'am?

This is going to drive me crazy.

26 calls in two weeks.

That's some dirty guy.

We got him down.

The attempted suicide?

Yeah. Huh.

Just dropped him off at Bellevue. Psycho ward.

Where's Fish? He's coming.

The guy wanted to jump off the roof,

and there's no elevator in the building.

Old Fish had to climb nine flights of stairs.

12 years ago, I said,

"Put an elevator in this precinct."

Five years ago, I said it again.

Last year. I even offered to pay for it.

How do you feel?

I feel fine. It's my legs.

I must've been a breech baby. My feet are older than I am.

Listen, if you were going to make obscene phone calls,

now, would you make them from one location

or from a variety of locations?

I'd rather have someone else make them for me.

Yemana, you chase a suspect into a residence.

You have no warrant for search and entry,

but you know evidence is about to be destroyed

inside.

Do you hold off,

or do you go in and make an arrest and take a chance

of violating the suspect's rights?

Honeyspot by Olden Times.

What?

Look, six pounds off, blinkers on,

with the finest grass jockey in the country.

I bet her.

The little lady next to me says,

"Hey, there's a gray horse with a girl jockey in blue.

My two favorite colors."

She wins. I lose.

Come on, Yemana,

I'm trying to pass my test for sergeant.

Are you going to help me?

Yeah, don't go in.

Well, well, well, the same old melting pot.

The 12th Precinct never changes.

Hello, Kelly. How are things?

How are you doing, Fish? Staying healthy?

I'm every bit as good a shape as I was yesterday.

"Boney diese," Chano.

Jose Feliciano.

Pretty good, thanks.

Hey, hey, hey, Wojo, wait a minute, wait a minute.

I got a great new Polack joke for you.

Wonderful.

You heard it?

Hey, hey, Yemana,

you'd better stay out of the sun.

You're starting to turn beige.

Hey, there's a color missing around here.

Where's Wilson and Harris?

They've got a day off.

There's a minstrel show in town.

What are you doing downtown, Kelly?

I thought you was in Narcotics.

Oh, I'm too sensitive for that kind of filthy work.

I'm in Internal Affairs now.

Oh, you're a spy.

Yeah, some people might look at it that way,

them that's got something to hide, anyhow.

Hello, Kelly.

What are you doing here?

Making friends.

How do you like Narcotics?

They haven't helped him a bit.

Kelly's been promoted.

Yeah, he's a snooper now.

Internal Affairs?

Can we talk?

What about?

Graft.

Come on in my office.

Internal Affairs is very concerned

about police officers being paid off, Barney.

Internal Affairs has always been concerned

about police officers being paid off.

What's it got to do with us?

Some very disturbing information

is coming across my desk

about cops on the take.

"Palms-up precincts."

You know what I'm talking about.

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.

How about a punch in the mouth?

Don't take offense, Barney.

Gee, you guys are thin-skinned

down here.

Okay, Kelly, no pussyfooting.

You've got any accusations, spit it out.

I'm not saying anybody's getting rich, Barney.

It's just the...

the general knick-knacking.

Knick-knacking?

There's not a man in this precinct

that has ever taken a dime from anybody...

Hey, hey, take it easy.

And I resent the implication.

Now, you've got any evidence, get it up,

or else get the hell out of here.

The division of internal affairs...

And don't pull division on me.

It wasn't two months ago you were working on my squad.

You never did like me, did you?

No.

You're looking for honesty? You found honesty.

Because I'm Irish, right?

Because you're always coming up with the wrong answers,

like that one,

and now you're letting a little authority

go to your head.

Hey, now, wait a minute, Barney.

I always do my job the best I know how,

and I'm going to keep on doing it that way,

no matter where it takes me,

from the smallest precinct

right up to the commissioner's office.

You're not going to find anything around here, Kelly.

Oh, clean as a whistle, huh, Barn?

No, not if you're talking about a newsboy

who, out of the goodness of his heart,

throws in an afternoon paper every day.

The division of internal affairs

is interested in any gratuity,

no matter how big or how small.

Okay, Kelly, you made your point,

but we've got a lot of work to do

around here, so do me a favor.

Get your big fat butt out of here.

I always liked

chewing the fat with you, Barn.

I'll be looking in on you.

Nice to see you again, fellows.

I'd rather be respected than liked any day.

Hey, Barney, what the hell is going on?

A little witch hunt.

Kelly is our local inquisitor,

so if any of you guys got anything

you don't want Internal Affairs to know about,

you'd better give it back.

Are you kidding?

I could add up everything I got since I've been a cop

on one finger,

and you know which finger that is...

The little one.

Hey, Barney, is that creep really insinuating

we've been taking payoffs around here?

To Kelly, a payoff could be an apple from a fruit stand.

He's just trying to make points.

You know what they say about a little power corrupting,

but... just in case, everybody be careful.

Be careful of what?

Hey, I never take a vacation.

I live in one room. I do my own cooking.

I appreciate that.

I even wash my own socks.

I appreciate that.

Makes a guy feel like saying,

"To hell with being sergeant."

All right, all right, just take it easy.

I've got to go catch a dirty phone caller,

and if I get anybody,

I'm going to give him Kelly's telephone number.

Everybody, just... Business as usual.

Just go on doing what you've been doing.

Don't worry about Internal Affairs.

Don't worry about Kelly,

who will be watching us night and day.

Here's your late edition, compliments of the publisher.

Hello. I'm home... Whoo-hoo.

Hello.

And I'm in a rotten mood.

Oh.

Well, I have enough good mood

for the both of us.

How was your day?

Swell.

Oh, that good, huh?

I'll fix you a drink.

What for?

Well, you usually have a drink

when you get home from dinner.

Just because I usually have a drink

does not mean that I have to have a drink

when I get home from dinner.

What am I, an alcoholic?

I don't think so.

I do not need a drink.

Fine, no drink.

Where's the ice?

In the oven.

And the children?

Oh, well, David's sleeping over. Rachel's at a film festival.

It's part of a theater arts course.

Oh, another film festival.

Colleges have no consideration... What?

That squint. She's going to develop a squint.

All right, Barney,

do you want to talk about it?

You know I never discuss police business

at home.

I know.

You would think,

you would think that Internal Affairs

has better things to do with its time,

wouldn't you?

Yes, I would think so.

And what a beauty they picked to do it.

Right, right.

Who?

Kelly.

Kelly.

It's like putting a gun in the hands of a baby.

What are you looking at?

I'm thinking

that you don't discuss police business

the way you don't drink.

A man has to drink and talk with someone.

Oh... I'm flattered that you've picked me.

Isn't Kelly the one you told me about

who wears his shoulder holster

over his pajamas?

That's the one.

Now you know what I'm worried about.

I thought you got rid of him.

I did.

That's the trouble with trying to get rid of the garbage.

Somebody's always trying to recycle it.

Now he's an espionage agent for Internal Affairs.

Well, forget about him.

You are going to feel much better

after dinner.

Look.

We have filet mignon with mushroom caps.

Leftovers? We had filet mignon last night.

We're starting all over. These are brand-new steaks.

Isn't that a little extravagant?

The children know we're eating this well?

It's all in knowing how to shop.

I got these steaks for a $1.48 a pound.

They must be factory seconds.

The secret is in knowing a butcher

who is crazy about the way you walk.

It brings special considerations.

I've watched you walk.

I've never given you

any special consideration.

You don't think I walk for you the way I walk for a butcher?

Never forget you're the wife of a policeman.

I'm not supposed to be obligated to anyone.

Well, the mailman doesn't feel that way.

Every Christmas, we give him a bottle of whiskey.

Its the only reason we get our mail once in a while.

This isn't Christmas.

Okay, so we get a little meat all through the year.

Would you be happy if the butcher gave us a cow

in December?

This is just the sort of thing Kelly is looking for.

He can stir up a lot of trouble for me

over a little thing like that.

Barney, Mr. D'Amato is a lovely man.

He's not doing this because you're a policeman.

He's doing this because we are friends,

because we are fellow citizens,

and because he thinks I'm a lovely hunk of woman.

It doesn't matter why he's doing it.

The point is I'm a cop.

Now, if I were a tailor, nobody would care,

but I am a cop,

and a policeman has to be careful

about accepting any sort of gratuity.

You want me to throw out the steaks?

As long as they're here...

I could grind them into hamburgers

so they won't be traced.

Liz, I know

it sounds ridiculous.

These are perilous times,

so until Kelly

finds something better to do with his time,

please, no more knick-knacks.

Knick-knacks?

Just a police expression.

Just don't take any favors from anybody,

no matter how trivial they may seem.

I suppose

that applies to free tickets?

To the theater?

To Bermuda.

Free tickets to Bermuda? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about a little knick-knack

from our travel agent.

How can he give away a thing like that?

Because he gets two free tickets

every year,

and every year, he goes,

and this year, he's not going.

What I don't understand

is why is he giving them to us?

Barney,

he doesn't want anything from you.

He knows you're a policeman.

He appreciates the fact

that you lay your life on the line for him

every single day of the year.

It's just his way of saying

he's sick of Bermuda.

Liz, we can't accept those tickets.

The way things are,

with Kelly just looking for trouble...

We're going to the mountains.

Well... I suppose you're right,

but what really annoys me is to see a man

who has devoted 20 years of his life

to the police department,

a man who has never compromised his integrity,

a man who has never taken anything from anyone,

to see that man

suddenly looking over his shoulder

and denying himself a lovely opportunity

offered by a grateful citizen and a friend

is shameful and unjust.

I'm grateful, thank you.

It's just my way of saying, "I'm sick of the mountains."

Fish.

Fish, listen.

In the event a prisoner is being extradited

from the county of one state to the county of another state,

and such extradition papers have been presented

to the police officer in charge of the extradition,

when the prisoner is delivered

in the county of the second state,

signed for and released

by the receiving police officer,

is it necessary

for the extraditing police officer

to file in the county of the first state

copies of the extradition papers

that have been given to the police officer

in the county of the second state?

Good morning.

What do you think?

I stopped in to buy a new pair of shoes

this morning.

What did you get?

I didn't get nothing.

They had my size,

but they didn't have my shape.

They tried

to talk me into buying a new type of shoes

where the toes are higher than the heels.

I said to the guy,

"I can't walk like that.

"I'll tip over

and land on the back of my head."

Look at this exacta at Aqueduct. 800 bucks.

Why do they make everything

so damned difficult?

Number three and number four. I always bet my age.

You're not 34.

I was when I won my last exacta.

Yemana, why don't you put that damn thing away?

What did I do?

All you ever do is bet on horses or the football game

or basketball game or some crap game.

You left out jai alai.

Very funny.

If you tried busting bookies

instead of calling them on the telephone all the time,

maybe we wouldn't have a yard bird like Kelly

sneaking up our keisters all the time.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Go fry a noodle.

That's beneath you.

It's always me that's doing something wrong.

"What'd you say this for, Wojo?" "That's out of line, Wojo."

Nobody says that about you, Wojo.

"How come Fish had to climb up nine flights of stairs, Wojo?"

That was out of line, Wojo.

See, it's always somebody

beefing about something I've done.

I wish I was back out on the streets

in uniform again.

If you're worried about dirty marks

on your laundry,

maybe Kelly can accommodate you.

What's going on?

Nothing.

What happened?

Nothing, Barney.

They were discussing Kelly.

Good morning.

You're late.

I interviewed a lot of women last night

who got dirty phone calls.

I had to take down all the conversations.

I got names. I got addresses.

I also got excited.

You want me to type up these reports?

Maybe you'd better let Fish do it.

Good.

You know, these guys

who make dirty phone calls

got to be very lonely people.

They spend so much time

talking on the telephone,

they never get to meet anybody.

I wish he'd start writing dirty letters.

Then the post office could worry about him.

12th Precinct.

Yeah, he'll be here.

Thanks.

Kelly's on his way over.

He wanted to make sure

you were here.

Thanks.

Hey, Barney, you think Kelly is just a big mouth,

or is he really going to try to make trouble?

I think Kelly is just a big mouth

who's really going to try to make trouble.

He's probably after me.

Kelly's always had a thing

about Orientals being on the police force.

He says we screw up the look of the Saint Patrick's Day parade.

Kelly is after someone in a position of authority.

He's looking for somebody

who's been doing a little chiseling

under the table, or somebody whose wife

has been doing a little chiseling

under the table.

No, no, that isn't it.

He's probably been snooping around

into our personnel files

and came up with something really big.

Like what?

Like the fact I cheated on my income tax.

When was that?

About nine, ten years ago,

I went to a police convention in San Francisco,

and I deducted all the expenses for Bernice.

There's nothing illegal about that.

Yes, there is. I didn't take Bernice.

Did the I.R.S. find out about it?

Yeah, they disallowed it.

They took it out the next year.

Well, if you're straight with the government,

Kelly can't hurt you.

I'm not worried about Kelly.

I'm worried about Bernice.

I think Kelly

is on to something international...

He's after me.

What did you do?

Me? I didn't do anything,

but my brother-in-law

is in New York illegally from Argentina.

Where is he?

He's hiding in the cellar of a condemned,

rat-infested building on the West Side,

right across the street from me.

Well, you'd better do something about it

before immigration finds out.

Well, I told him,

"Hey, you've got to go back to South America,

"get a visa,

"then come back to the United States,

"to New York," take the test,

and then become a citizen of the United States."

What did he say to that?

He don't think it's worth it.

Hi, Barney.

Good morning.

I have a confession to make,

and I... I think

you all should hear it.

Maybe we should start lighting candles.

This is serious.

Three years ago,

when I took the test for detective, third-grade,

I wrote some answers on my shirt.

Well, they were important answers.

If Kelly's after my badge, I...

I'd rather turn it in than have him put the arm on me,

so I'm going down to Internal Affairs.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

This is some exciting group we've got here.

A little fooling around on an exam,

a little fooling around in San Francisco.

I'm beginning to feel sorry for Kelly.

I mean, this is a pretty measly bunch of skeletons

he found in this closet.

All right, gentlemen, we have all purged our souls.

Life goes on.

Huh?

Yemana, that's a police phone, not a racing wire,

and Chano,

see if you can convince your brother-in-law

there's still some hope for us.

Uh, Wojo, when you take that sergeant exam,

wear a clean shirt.

Fish... Don't waste a warning.

You know what really annoys me?

What really gets me is to see basically honest men,

who have devoted their lives to the police department,

intimidated and looking over their shoulders.

It is shameful and unjust.

Thank you, Barney.

What's more,

I'm going to tell that to Internal Affairs

as soon as I come back from Bermuda.

Ahem.

Patrolman Kelly reporting for duty.

For an undercover cop,

that's a pretty dumb disguise.

What are you doing in uniform?

It's my payoff

for devotion to the department.

I followed those investigations, Barney, like I told you,

right up to the top, right into the inner sanctum,

the commissioner's office.

There it was...

Nepotism, favoritism, rake-offs on meat.

Man, I was sure

I was in line for a gold badge.

What did they give me?

A blue suit.

Here I am, right back at the old one-two.

You mean they reassigned you

here?

Yeah. How about that?

Hey, Barn, no hard feelings, huh?

Hey, fellows, still friends, huh?

Nice to know they still respect me.

Here's the free late edition, compliments of the publisher.

Take it easy. Yemana, I wasn't making book.

Uh, thanks, officer.

I'll take over from here.

I was just standing around.

I swear.

What are they busting me for?

Convenience.

Whose?

Mine.

I promised I'd lay off the phone.

"I pledge allegiance

to the flag of the United States of America..."

Fish? Yeah?

Check this out, will you?

You all right?

Yeah, why?

You look like you're going to fall over.

It's my new shoes.

Hey, Barney?

Hey, if a police officer loses his badge,

does he report it to his superior

or just wait until somebody turns it in?

He reports it to his superior officer.

I lost my badge.