Original subtitles

GUESS WHAT?

YOU GOT A JOB DELIVERING THE WORLD'S LARGEST PIZZA?

NO. IT'S A MASSAGE TABLE,

WHICH MEANS I GOT INTO BEGINNING MASSAGE TECHNIQUES.

YEAH!

SEE, IF YOU WENT TO GEORGE ROMNEY COMMUNITY COLLEGE,

YOU'D KNOW THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

CONGRATULATIONS.

THE WORLD NEEDS MORE GEISHA GIRLS.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

MASSAGE HAPPENS TO BE THE FASTEST GROWING INDUSTRY IN AMERICA.

YEAH, PEOPLE ARE DYING TO GET RUBBED DOWN.

BY YOU? COME ON, C.J.

THE THOUGHT OF YOU TOUCHING STRANGERS IS WHY PEOPLE CARRY MACE.

- HI, GUYS. - HI.

OH, GREAT. THE SINK IS LEAKING AGAIN.

RORY, CALL THE PLUMBER.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CHARGE FOR HOUSE CALLS?

I CAN FIX A LEAK.

REALLY? IS THAT WHY YOU GET UP FIVE TIMES A NIGHT?

DAD, I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO STRAIN YOURSELF.

I CAN STILL TURN A WRENCH.

WELL, OKAY.

GUESS WHO GOT SENT HOME TODAY WITH A DRESS-CODE VIOLATION?

TAKE YOUR TIME, MOM. I KNOW IT'S A TOUGH ONE.

OH, GREAT. YOUR PRINCIPAL WANTS TO MEET WITH ME.

IT'S SO UNFAIR. DO I LOOK LIKE A HOOCH TO YOU?

A HOOCH?

HONEY, I'M NOT UP ON THE LATEST TEEN SLANG.

HOOCH. IT'S SHORT FOR HOOCHIE MAMA.

'30s JAZZ LINGO FOR HUSSY. COME ON, CATE, GET WITH IT.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. YOU LOOK FINE.

I KNOW. IT'S THIS NEW PRINCIPAL. HE THINKS HE RUNS THE SCHOOL.

- HE DOES RUN THE SCHOOL. - OH, PLEASE, HE'S BEEN THERE ONE WEEK.

I'VE BEEN THERE THREE YEARS.

WHY DO I GET THE FEELING THAT YOU ARE NOT 100% INNOCENT?

BECAUSE INSIDE YOU KNOW SHE'S A HOOCH.

OKAY, MAYBE MY UNDERWEAR BAND SHOWED FOR, LIKE, TWO SECONDS.

THERE'S THIS TOTALLY DUMB NEW RULE

WHERE YOUR UNDERWEAR BAND CAN'T SHOW,

YET THEY ASSIGN ME A BOTTOM LOCKER.

EVERYONE KNOWS WHEN YOU BEND OVER, YOUR SHIRT RIDES UP

YOUR JEANS GO DOWN, AND YOUR UNDERWEAR JUST STAYS THERE.

DUH, IT'S CALLED PHYSICS.

SO WHO IS REALLY TO BLAME HERE,

ME, WHO INNOCENTLY BENT OVER TO GET A BOOK,

OR THE SCHOOL WHO KNOWINGLY ASSIGNED A BOTTOM LOCKER TO A HOTTIE?

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU BENT OVER FOR A BOOK?

OKAY, IT WAS A "COSMO GIRL."

All: OH.

HEY. GOOD AS NEW.

WOW, DAD, YOU FIXED THAT FAST.

DIDN'T STRAIN MYSELF AT ALL.

SEE, WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO HERE IS LOOSEN THAT COUPLING THERE...

DAD, A MAGICIAN NEVER GIVES AWAY HIS SECRETS.

DON'T FORGET TO PICK UP YOUR TOOLS.

I GOTTA GO, BUT IF YOU'RE FEELING UP TO IT,

THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER NEEDS TO BE REPLACED.

- YEAH, I'M UP TO IT. - GOOD.

UH-UH-UH-UH-UH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.

WHAT, THE DISK YOU SLIPPED?

HEY HEY, I'M FINE.

ADMIT IT, GRANDPA.

YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT TO AUNT CATE

THAT YOU HURT YOURSELF FIXING THE SINK.

IF I WEREN'T FINE WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO THIS?

IF WE SLIPPED A PIANO UNDER YOUR HANDS IT MIGHT LOOK NORMAL.

YOU'RE HAVING A SPASM, ALL RIGHT? I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M THE STAR PUPIL IN MY MASSAGE TECHNIQUES CLASS.

BESIDES, THESE HANDS

HAVE BEEN GIVING RELIEF TO PEOPLE FOR YEARS.

WHAT PEOPLE?

LOTS OF PEOPLE. WELL, OKAY, ME.

STILL, GIVE IT A CHANCE.

MASSAGE IS FOR SISSIES.

NO, THIS IS SPORTS MASSAGE. IT'S DIFFERENT.

IT'S FOR BOXERS, FOOTBALL PLAYERS... TOUGH-GUY STUFF.

I CAN REBUILD YOU, MAKE YOU BETTER, STRONGER, FASTER.

I SWEAR, C.J., IF YOU LAY A HAND ON ME, I'LL... OH! OH!

- DOES THAT HURT? - YEAH.

- I'VE ONLY HAD ONE CLASS. - NO NO NO.

IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S A GOOD HURT.

GET BACK WITH IT.

WELL, ACTUALLY I BETTER GO.

- ARE YOU GONNA LEAVE ME HANGING? - I'VE GOT SCHOOL.

YEAH? WELL I GOTTA FIX A GARAGE.

YOU GOT MY NUMBER.

CALL MY GIRL, SET UP AN APPOINTMENT.

WHAT GIRL?

SHE MAY SOUND LIKE AN AUTOMATED VOICE ON A CELL PHONE,

BUT SHE'S REAL SWEET. CHAT HER UP A BIT.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST DRESS CODES.

IT'S JUST THAT UP UNTIL NOW WE'VE DONE FINE WITHOUT THEM.

- NOW, I ASSURE YOU, MR. GIBB... - I'M SORRY.

DID YOU GO TO GARFIELD HIGH?

WHAT? UM, YES.

- ANYWAY... - I WENT TO GARFIELD.

OH. FREAKY.

ANYWAY, THIS MORNING I WAS LOOKING AT HOW OTHER GIRLS DRESSED,

AND THOUGH MY DAUGHTER IS NO ANGEL,

COMPARED TO THOSE HOOCHES IN THE HALLWAY,

BRIDGET IS LIKE LAURA INGALLS.

WHAT YEAR DID YOU GRADUATE?

UM, IT WAS 19...

WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH BRIDGET?

I'M SORRY. YOU JUST LOOK SO FAMILIAR. DO I?

NO.

BUT THEN THERE WEREN'T MANY GRAY-HAIRED KIDS IN MY CLASS.

ANYWAY, UM, UH,

MY BRIDGET HAS BEEN KNOWN TO DRESS A LITTLE RACY IN THE PAST,

BUT WHAT SHE WAS WEARING YESTERDAY WAS NOT RACY IN THE SLIGHTEST.

WHAT WAS YOUR MAIDEN NAME?

PLEASE, AREN'T WE TALKING ABOUT BRIDGET?

YES, OKAY, I'M SORRY. I'LL DROP IT.

LOOK, MY DRESS CODE IS NEVER VERY POPULAR AT FIR...

YOU HUNG OUT IN FRONT WITH THE STONERS?

NO.

LOOK. I AM MISSING WORK FOR THIS.

I AM A NURSE AND WITHOUT ME MY PATIENTS COULD DIE.

REALLY?

WELL, NO.

BUT THEY COULD WET THEIR BEDS.

- CAN WE JUST STICK TO THE SUBJECT? - YES, OF COURSE.

I WILL DROP IT. WON'T BRING IT UP AGAIN.

MY DRESS CODE WORKS.

TEST SCORES GO UP, DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS GO DOWN.

EGAN! YOU'RE CATE EGAN!

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!

- AM I RIGHT? - YES!

ED! ED GIBB!

OH. WELL, H...

HOW ARE YOU?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHO I AM, DO YOU?

NOT A CLUE.

REALLY?

UH... BACK TO BRIDGET?

YES. YES.

MAY I SHOW YOU SOMETHING?

THIS IS A PHOTOGRAPH TAKEN OF BRIDGET

TO DOCUMENT HER DRESS-CODE VIOLATIONS.

NOW I ASK YOU, IS THAT PROPER SCHOOL ATTIRE?

LET ME SEE THIS.

SHE DID NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE LOOKING LIKE THIS.

I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS WHAT HAPPENED HERE.

YEAH. YOU PUT BRIDGET'S HEAD ON SOME HOOCH'S BODY?

OR SHE ALTERED THE OUTFIT ONCE SHE LEFT THE HOUSE.

BOTH VALID THEORIES.

YOU KNOW, I USED TO GO BY "EDDIE."

PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "ED-DIE!"

NOTHING.

C.J., ARE YOU READY FOR ME YET?

WHAT'S TAKING YOU SO DARN LNG?

I'M JUST GETTING THE MASSAGE TABLE READY.

OKAY, COME ON IN.

WHAT THE HELL IS ALL THIS?

I SENSE A LOT OF TENSION, GRANDPA.

TAKE A WHIFF OF THIS. INHALE.

GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPORTS MASSAGE.

YOU TURNED MY ROOM INTO BANGKOK!

IT IS A SPORTS MASSAGE... WITH A FLAIR.

- NOW BREATHE. - C.J., I SWEAR

IF YOU DON'T PUT MY ROOM BACK THE WAY IT WAS, I'M GONN...

- IS THAT PATCHOULI? - YEAH, WITH A DASH OF LAVENDER.

SORT OF... DELIGHTFUL.

IT IS. SEE? I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.

OKAY, NOW LOSE THE ROBE AND GET UNDER THE SHEET.

JUST HOLLER WHEN YOU'RE NAKED.

- NOT YET. - WAS THAT A HOLLER?

NO!

- HI. - HI, MOM.

SO, BRIDGET, I JUST HAD A LITTLE TALK WITH YOUR PRINCIPAL.

JUST SO I'M CLEAR,

THE ONLY DRESS-CODE VIOLATION YOU HAD WAS

A TWO-SECOND FLASH OF UNDERWEAR BAND?

YEAH. I TOLD YOU THEY ASSIGNED ME A BOTTOM LOCKER.

I SAW THE PHOTO.

THE TOTALLY PUT MY HEAD ON SOME HOOCH'S BODY!

NO, GOD DID THAT.

THIS PRINCIPAL HAS SOME SORT OF A GRUDGE ON ME.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE HE'S JEALOUS.

- WHY WOULD HE BE JEALOUS OF YOU? - I DON'T KNOW.

WHY IS EVERYONE JEALOUS OF ME?

YOUR EARNING POTENTIAL?

WHY DON'T YOU SEE IF YOU CAN HELP YOUR GRANDFATHER

WITH THE GARAGE-DOOR OPENER? GO.

- KERRY, WHAT'S WRONG? - WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M WALKING THROUGH THE HALL BACK TO DEBATE CLASS, WHERE I LEFT MY BACKPACK...

OH, WE GET IT. WHOO! WHAT A DEPRESSING STORY.

BRIDGET, LET HER FINISH.

DEBATE CLASS, BACKPACK... THERE'S MORE?

THIS CUSTODIAN IS PUTTING UP THESE POSTERS,

- AND I'M THINKING, PLEASE LET THIS BE A NIGHTMARE. - WHAT?

"HOW NOT TO DRESS FOR SCHOOL"?

OH MY GOSH, I LOOK HORRIBLE! GIVE IT TO ME!

THERE'S THAT. I AM UPSET ABOUT THIS.

GOD, YOU GUYS,

THE ONE TIME IN MY LIFE I EVER WEAR OVERALLS...

I LOOK LIKE A TOTAL GEEK.

YEAH, BLAME THE OVERALLS.

GO, NOW.

OH, C.J.

OH, C.J.!

INCREDIBLE.

LOOK, I WANT YOU TO RELAX, BUT SERIOUSLY,

IF YOU SAY MY NAME LIKE THAT AGAIN, I'M WALKING, ALL RIGHT?

I THINK YOU FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID I THINK YOU FOUND SOMETHING YOU'RE NOT TERRIBLE AT.

YOU SAID I'M GOOD AT SOMETHING.

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT BACK.

Rory: GRANDPA, ARE YOU DOWN THERE?

MOM WANTS ME TO HELP YOU WITH THE GARAGE.

I'M NOT DECENT. STAY AWAY.

CLOSE THOSE SHUTTERS.

- IS HE GONE? - YES, HE'S GONE.

WHY DON'T YOU LAY A LITTLE MORE OF THAT VANILLA PAPAYA LOTION ON ME?

OH, MAESTRO!

MOM, NOW YOU HAVE TO ADMIT HE IS SINGLING ME OUT.

YEAH YEAH YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR YEARBOOK?

HE SEEMS TO REMEMBER ME BUT I DON'T...

OH MY GOD!

IT'S EDDIE! OH!

ED-DIE!

WAIT, ED. YOU KNOW, I REALLY LIKE YOU

AS A FRIEND.

I THINK I MAY KNOW WHY MR. GIBB IS A LITTLE MAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE MR. GIBB IS MAKING EXAMPLES OUT OF US

BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KISS HIM.

YEAH, MOM. YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK TWICE

THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL US TO BE GOOD GIRLS.

WELL, THE GARAGE DOOR SHOULDN'T GIVE YOU ANY MORE PROBLEMS.

DAD, YOU ARE SO CHIPPER AND RESILIENT THESE DAYS.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

YES, GRANDPA, WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

THERE'S NO SECRET. YOU JUST UNDERESTIMATE ME.

AND I APOLOGIZE.

AND AS A TOKEN OF THAT APOLOGY,

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE YOU A LIST

OF ALL THE THINGS THAT NEED FIXING AROUND HERE.

OH, GREAT, YEAH. CONSIDER THEM DONE.

- OKAY. - Bridget: MOM.

- COME ON, LET'S GO. - YEAH, COME ON, MOM.

BRIDGET NEEDS TIME TO HOOCH IT UP BEFORE SCHOOL.

C.J., I'M GONNA NEED ANOTHER TREATMENT.

THAT DAMN GARAGE DOOR ALMOST KILLED ME.

YEAH, I FEEL BAD FOR YOU. SEE YOU LATER.

IS SOMETHING WRONG?

OF COURSE NOT.

I FINALLY DO SOMETHING YOU APPROVE OF,

BUT YOU'RE TOO EMBARRASSED TO SAY IT IN PUBLIC.

- EVERYTHING'S FINE. LATER. - OH, C.J.

YOU'RE EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE RORY ALMOST WALKED IN ON US.

- YOU'RE ASHAMED OF US. - I'M NOT ASHAMED.

ASHAMED, GRANDPA!

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH TWO MEN

RUBBING OIL ON EACH OTHER'S BODIES.

HEY, YOU RUBBED ME, I DIDN'T RUB YOU!

SHAME TALK!

THAT'S FINE. FROM NOW ON YOU CAN GO RUB YOURSELF. HOW ABOUT THAT?

FINE. I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID FLOWERY OILS.

PAPAYA'S A FRUIT, NOT A FLOWER.

WELL, YOU WOULD KNOW.

- WELL, HELLO. - LOOK, ED-DIE...

- OH, YOU REMEMBERED! - YES. THE YEARBOOK JOGGED MY MEMORY.

AND I AM SORRY THAT, LIKE, A MILLION YEARS AGO I REJECTED YOU.

BUT THAT IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

AND I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD TAKE DOWN THOSE AWFUL POSTERS.

OKAY.

OKAY?

THIS MAY NOT HAVE BEEN MY BEST IDEA.

IN FACT, I HAD TO BREAK UP A SHOVING MATCH OVER THOSE POSTERS.

BOYS WERE FIGHTING OVER THE POSTERS?

ACTUALLY IT WAS TWO TEACHERS

WHO WILL REMAIN ANONYMOUS.

I'M THINKING THE MATH OR HISTORY DEPARTMENTS.

MAYBE THEY WERE FIGHTING OVER MY POSTER.

ANYWAY, I HAVE AGREED TO TAKE THE POSTERS DOWN.

AND GIRLS, YOU ARE GONNA MISS THE FIRST BELL.

- THANK YOU. - BYE, MOM.

WELL, THANK YOU.

I KNOW IT'S NOT EASY TO ADMIT WHEN YOU'RE WRONG.

YES, WELL, YOU'RE WALKING PROOF OF THAT.

EXCUSE ME?

OH, COME ON, CATE. IF YOU REALLY REMEMBERED US,

YOU'D REMEMBER THE FACTS.

WAIT. I REALLY LIKE YOU, CATE, AS A FRIEND.

THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE.

NO BOY IN HIGH SCHOOL EVER SAID, "I ONLY LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND."

CATE, I JUST WASN'T INTO YOU.

BUT YOUR SISTER WAS HOT... MAGGIE. OOF!

MAG-GIE!

MAGGIE? I WAS THE HOTTER SISTER.

WHAT DID MAGGIE GET IN HONORS CHEMISTRY?

MAGGIE NEVER TOOK HONORS CHEMISTRY.

AND WHAT DID YOU GET IN HONORS CHEMISTRY?

- AN "A." - YEAH, YOU WERE THE HOT ONE.

I WAS HOT AND SMART.

NO SHAME IN BEING SMART. I RESPECTED THAT IN YOU.

IN FACT, THAT'S WHY I LIKED YOU... AS A FRIEND.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

- IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. - YEAH, IT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER.

- WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. - WE AGREE TO DISAGREE.

FINE BY ME.

- I REJECTED YOU. - SURE YOU DID.

YES! I FOUND IT!

WHO'S THE GEEK YOU'RE WITH?

THIS IS THE PRINCIPAL.

HUH! AND HE SAYS HE REJECTED ME?

LOOK AT HIM. HE LOOKS LIKE LEO SAYER.

Kids: WHO?

I'M GONNA GO DOWN THERE AND SHOW HIM THIS.

YOU'RE MAKING THIS ALL ABOUT YOU.

WHO CARES IF YOU WERE HOT OR NOT?

THE MAN TOOK DOWN THE POSTERS.

THIS WAS ABOUT OUR HIGH SCHOOL HUMILIATION, NOT YOURS.

WELL, IT WASN'T THAT BAD.

SO YOU LIKED BEING WORSHIPPED BY PATHETIC LOSERS WHO STEAL YOUR PICTURE?

HEY, I DON'T PEE ALL OVER YOUR DREAMS, OKAY?

JUST LIKE BRIDGET, ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS YOUR IMAGE.

MAYBE I HAVE BEEN A LITTLE SELF-OBSESSED

ABOUT THIS WHOLE MISUNDERSTANDING WITH MR. GIBB.

YEAH. WHO CARES IF HE BROKE UP WITH YOU?

I BROKE UP WITH HIM!

SEE? LIKE BRIDGET, YOU CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

ECCH. MOM, YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM HER.

ACTUALLY I THINK YOUR SISTER'S RIGHT,

AND I KNOW THIS IS SILLY.

BUT I JUST WANTED TO RUB HIS NOSE IN IT

THAT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS STUDIOUS AND HOT,

JUST LIKE YOU, KERRY.

- LIKE ME? - MM-HMM.

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? COME ON, GO!

GO, RIGHT NOW! GO!

YOU SEE? I WAS COOL, AND YOU WERE A GEEK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I LOOK LIKE LEO SAYER!

YEAH.

I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING THAT YOU ASKED.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?

TO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT.

YOU CARE THAT MUCH WHAT I THINK?

NO, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK.

I CARE ABOUT JUSTICE.

LOOK, I GET IT.

- GET WHAT? - WELL, I THINK IT'S PRETTY OBVIOUS

YOU HAVE A HARD TIME STAYING AWAY FROM ME.

- WHAT? - I AM A PRINCIPAL.

I THINK I RECOGNIZE A HIGH-SCHOOL CRUSH WHEN I SEE ONE.

I DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER YOU.

SO YOU SAID.

THIS PICTURE PROVES IT. I WAS COOL AND YOU WEREN'T.

THE ONLY THING THAT THIS PICTURE PROVES

IS THAT WHITE GUYS CAN LOOK FANTASTIC IN AFROS.

OH, UNBELIEVABLE.

YOU ARE EVEN WEARING RAINBOW SUSPENDERS.

LOOK, CATE, I'M FLATTERED.

I'M JUST NOT INTERESTED. I'M SORRY.

YOU ARE THE MOST POMPOUS,

ARROGANT MAN I HAVE EVER MET.

YOU'LL GET OVER THIS.

AND DON'T WORRY. BECAUSE WHEN I LEAVE THIS TIME,

YOU WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME STALKING YOU,

BECAUSE I WILL NEVER VOLUNTARILY SET FOOT IN THIS OFFICE AGAIN!

- GOOD DAY, MR. GIBB. - OH, I THINK YOU'LL BE BACK.

OH, NO I WON'T!

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE DOING JUST FINE WITHOUT ME.

ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.

RORY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH A GOOD MASSAGE.

EXCUSE ME?

YEAH. I'VE ALWAYS BEEN HARD ON C.J.

BUT HE FINALLY DID SOMETHING RIGHT.

HE HAS FOUND A CAREER PATH.

HE GAVE ME A MASSAGE

AND I FELT LIKE A MILLION BUCKS AFTER IT.

WOW. SO YOU'RE TELLING ME...

YES, C.J. IS GOOD AT SOMETHING.

AND I'M PROUD OF HIM.

AH. THAT'S ALL I WANTED TO HEAR.

GET SOME PROPS. COME HERE.

WOW, THAT'S SOMETHING.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GET A ROOM?

I FORGOT. YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE.