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Trust me, boss,

we'll have so much dirt by the end of the week,

you'll have to rent a bulldozer.

You're a producer, Landers.

Why don't you produce something, for crying out loud?

Yes, sir, will do.

Over and out.

We're so fired.

- We?

Hey, you're the one responsible

for the piss-poor ratings, Jackie, not me.

In fact, I give you 10 to one you don't last two weeks.

- Oh, yeah, Paulie?

Well, I'll give you three to one

that you get kicked out of Gambler's Anonymous

in less than a week

and 40 to one that if I get canned, so will you.

- 40 to one, huh? - Yeah, 40 to one.

- Look out! - Whoa!

- Gramps, if you want to commit suicide,

you be here on the way back!

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, young man.

- Me? - You're gonna be our fourth.

You get those cute little buns

of yours in gear and follow me.

- Young?

Cute buns?

I'll be right with you.

It's a beautiful day.

- Hi.

I'm Dr. Swensen.

I'm an-

- Optometrist.

- I thought you looked awfully familiar to me.

Did anybody ever tell you

you look just like that hunk Arnold Palmer?

- The Arnold Palmer?

- Yes.

No.

But I'd sure like to be able to golf like him.

- Oh, I see you're not wearing a ring.

Does that mean you're single?

Oh my God.

All right.

What do we got here?

- This is 340, a par four.

I think you're gonna try

for that triple bogie again, aren't ya?

- Huh, triple bogie? - Yeah.

- Buck a hole.

- Ooh! - Whoa!

Hey.

- You're supposed to play on the course,

not make love to it, my friend.

- Very funny, very funny.

Laugh at the cripple.

You have no class.

- Come on guys, come on.

A buck a hole, one buck.

A buck is not gambling.

- Wait a minute, didn't you just have to move

back in with your parents?

- Yeah.

- And wasn't your car repo'd?

- Yeah, what's your point?

- You're hopeless.

You are hopeless.

- It's impossible to talk to you about these things.

Okay, men, it's time to let the big dog eat.

- Take your time.

- Yeah.

- Make it good.

Ahh!

- This had better be good.

Hi, cookie, it's me.

- Oh, hey, Victoria.

You didn't forget about tonight?

- Yeah.

Have dinner with Dad.

- No, I didn't forget about tonight.

- Okay. - Yeah, dinner tonight.

- Good. - Yeah, I'll be there.

Of course. - Okay.

Kisses, kisses.

- Kisses to you too.

Uh huh. - Bleh.

- Bye-bye.

- What do you think, Billy?

Would you say that Victoria Brady's a waste of time?

- My thoughts exactly.

- You both would do her in a heartbeat.

Naturally.

But, look at us, we're desperate men,

flat broke, metal legs.

- That's actually true.

- But you, you need to be going

for something higher on the food chain, my friend,

not the boss's daughter.

- Hey, I like things just the way they are right now.

- Yeah. - Now, if you'll shut up.

- Okay.

Hey, do me a favor.

Hit it like you got a pair this time.

- You know what I envision every time I hit the ball?

- What?

- Your face.

- Ooh, ooh, that's nice.

- Damn. - Good shot, Tiger.

- Ooh, yeah, you need some anchovies with that slice.

- Hi, buddy, I'm Dr. Robert Goldstein.

- And I'm Dr. Moretz.

- I'm uh.

- Uh oh.

Fore!

- I think he's dead.

- No!

Oh, no!

He's not dead!

He's not dead.

He's okay.

Oh, no.

- What are the odds of that shot?

- I'm a doctor.

Don't move him.

- Oh, you are a podiatrist.

Unless I'm mistaken, the ball to not hit his feet!

- Listen to the optometrist. What are you gonna gonna do,

fit in with a new pair of glasses?

- Let me try something.

- You're a proctologist!

Surely you don't think that this was caused

by an enlarged prostate!

- You're doctors!

Do something!

- Oh!

Is he dead?

Did he kill him?

- I'm a lawyer.

Call me.

- Oh God.

Oh God, no.

- Horace? Cybil?

Get down here!

- Oh. - Excuse me.

- Sorry, excuse me. - Pardon me.

- Excuse me, pardon me. - Excuse me, sorry.

Joseph, sir.

It's not the first time he's done this, sir.

I assure you, we'll find him.

- Yes, sir.

We believe he's probably on a golf course, sir, on earth.

Los Angeles, California, seems to be his favorite, sir.

- LA?

LA?

You both know the rules.

He's not allowed to be down there by himself.

When he takes mortal form,

he's as vulnerable as any other human.

- Golf seems to have become a passion of his, sir,

ever since he got the sports channel, sir.

- I don't want to hear any more excuses.

This is the latest photo I have of him.

Oh, he looks lovely.

- Now get down there and find God!

- Oh.

Oh, he's, he's alive!

He's alive!

Oh, thank God.

Oh, are you okay, sir?

- I think so.

Where, where am I?

- You're at the Silver Hawk Golf Course.

You've had an accident.

- What happened?

My head's pounding.

- Jack, he hit you in the head with a Titleist!

- It was an accident.

Oh, look at that.

He's sitting up.

That's a good sign.

That's a very good sign.

Look, everybody, he's sitting up.

He's sitting up.

Now, what's your name?

- I'm, uh...

I don't know.

- You might have a small concussion.

- Yeah.

- Now think, try to remember your name.

- I'm...

Arnold Palmer?

- Arnold Palmer!

Arnold Palmer, that's it, it's Arnold Palm...

Arnold Palmer?

- No, dear, when we first met,

I said that you looked like Arnold Palmer.

- You did?

I can't remember a thing.

- Okay, Arnie.

Do you mind if I call you Arnie?

- Arnie's as good as anything.

Now, what do you remember?

- Well, I think I'm a 12 handicap,

and Jack here apparently tried to kill me.

Well, that's a start.

- Amnesia.

- Lawsuit.

- Beats being dead though.

- Paulie, what do you think? How does Arnie look?

- Oh, I give him five to-

- Not the odds, not the odds, Paulie.

I mean, how does he actually physically look?

He looks good, right?

- Better. - Right, exactly, better.

Now, you didn't have any car keys.

You didn't have any membership ID.

They didn't know you at the desk.

I mean, do any of these cars look familiar to you at all?

The Cadillac, maybe?

- No. - No, nothing.

All right, Paulie,

catch a ride back to the station with Billy,

and I'll meet you there.

Try to smooth things over with Brady for me.

Okay? - No problem.

But what are you gonna do with him?

- I'm gonna shave him.

I'm gonna teach him how to swim.

I mean, what do you think I'm gonna do with him, moron?

I'm gonna, I'm gonna take him to a hospital

where he can get some medical attention.

- Hey dog, if it was up to me,

I'd keep my eye on him till they tighten his wig.

- Oh yeah, thanks very much.

Thanks very much. So I guess we're stuck together

until you get your wig tightened, Arnie.

Arnie, come on.

The car right here.

- Julia, you've got 10 seconds.

- This is Julia Blake flying high

above this Sapulveda Basin.

I'll have your full traffic report

from crash ups to backups in just 60 seconds.

- And we're out.

- Great.

- Dave here.

Dave, it's Jack.

Jack, Jack, where are you?

Sarah's been waiting 45 minutes.

- Oh, man.

I completely forgot.

Is she okay?

What's she doing? - Uh, no, she, she's fine.

Right now, she's discovering the pros and cons

of the Miracle Bra.

- Hey, it's Julia.

Can I talk to Dave?

Jack, can you hold on a sec?

I got another call.

Dave here.

Hi, Julia.

- Hey, is Jack there yet?

- Uh, no.

He's out on a remote.

- Remote, right.

Hey, where's Sarah?

- She's here.

She's reading.

It's your mom.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, baby.

Hey, tell her I'll be there as soon as I can.

- Julia, can you hold on a second? I got another call.

Jack, it's Julia on the other line.

Can I call you right back?

Definitely, take care of her. How's Brady?

- Right now I'd say he's about a def-con four.

Okay, I'll call you back.

- Yeah.

Damn it.

- Hi, hi, Julia, so what's up?

- Tell her I love her, - Okay.

- And I'm sorry - Okay.

- Her dad screwed up. - Okay, fine.

Your mommy says she'll be back real soon,

and she's sorry your dad messed up again.

- So what else is new?

Maybe you're lucky, Arnie.

Right now I wish I could forget about everything.

You want one?

- No, thanks.

Do you think those things are good for you?

- No. No.

I keep trying to quit,

but I just can't find a substitute.

Jack, I need the breakdown for a tonight's show.

- Well, start with the triple homicide

in Compton and then move

to the hepatitis outbreak in Malibu.

- Is that from the sewage spill?

Yeah, from the sewage spill.

- What about the, the drive-by in West Covina?

- Nah, the drive-by's been done to death.

Let Channel 15 cover that crap.

Finish with the mayor's confession.

- It was an animal, right, dog?

- I'm pretty sure it was a Collie.

Check with Paul.

I'm not gonna be there for about 45 minutes.

Have Stacy play with Sarah,

and keep her out of the sight of Brady.

I don't want Brady seeing her.

Seeing her.

Brady seeing her.

Brady seeing her.

Are you remembering something?

- This says number one dad.

Maybe I have kids.

- Oh, great.

Landers!

Where the hell is Landers

- Go, go, go, go, go. - For crying out loud!

Dave?

- Yes, sir. - Did Jack get the story?

- He's on the line now, sir.

- I didn't ask you if he was on the line right now, Dave.

I asked you did he get the story?

Give me that phone, you nitwit.

Landers!

Landers!

This is man that pays your salary.

Before I sign another check,

I want you to tell me something I want to hear!

I love you?

- I think this moron's coming out of the closet on me.

Landers, I want you to reach down with both hands,

grab your butt, and drag it the hell in here.

Do you hear me?

Landers, you're a producer.

You're supposed to produce for crying out loud.

Here.

Ugh. - That's a nice tie, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

You've just made my day.

Why don't you get a haircut?

You look like Julius Caesar on crack for crying out loud.

- Where did I go wrong?

Where did I go wrong?

I went to college.

I majored in journalism.

Walter Cronkite was my idol.

I had a plan,

graduate, get a job, work hard,

and become a serious, well-respected journalist.

10 years later, I'm 30 years old,

and I've got a daughter who hates me.

Her mother, my ex-girlfriend, wishes I was dead.

And I'm a sleaze ball soon-to-be-fired producer

from one of the worst local news stations

in the entire Los Angeles area.

I mean, so much for best-laid plans.

You know what I mean?

Arnie?

Are you?

What do you think about that, Arnie?

Simon, News Chopper 6.

Good morning, Burbank.

You're looking at.

- Hey, Sam, who's that?

- I think it's Jack.

- Take us down.

- Yeah.

Jack, why aren't you with Sarah?

- I've been out on an assignment all day.

Brady's had us running all over,

like a bunch of crazy people, I mean.

On the golf course?

- What do you mean?

I can see our golf clubs from here.

- What?

Julia!

When you, when you start following men around

in helicopters, you've crossed that fine line

from admirer to stalker.

- I'm serious, Jack.

- So am I!

Look, I hit this guy on the golf course.

He hit his head.

He can't remember anything.

I've gotta take him to a hospital.

- What the hell are you talking about?

You know, you blew it with me. Don't blow it with Sarah.

Besides, this wasn't our deal.

And I'm not just gonna sit around here

and watch you hurt her.

I can't.

I just can't.

Let's go.

- I'll see you soon.

God dammit!

- So you and Julia had a child outta wedlock.

- Wedlock?

What?

Who uses that word wedlock?

Are you like a priest or a minister or something?

- Is traffic always like this?

How do you get anywhere?

- That's the point, nobody does.

- Have you ever seen anything like that before?

- Well, I think I have,

but I can't remember where.

- Wow.

Well, we've gotta get you to a doctor, so...

Is everything okay, or?

- Vitals look good.

He's perfectly okay.

It's probably just short-term memory loss.

- All right. - Hey, watch

where you're goin' pops.

- I'm sorry.

I need some help here, somebody please?

Shouldn't you keep him overnight

for observation or? - Dude, you're the man!

- Oh, yeah.

Sorry, you know, without Medicare

or some kind of insurance,

we just can't take him.

Well, what am I supposed to do with him?

- Get outta the way!

I gotta get to the john!

Oh!

Outta the way, I gotta pee!

Oh, hurry, ow!

I gotta pee!

- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

That's wonderful.

- We're just so busy here,

I'm afraid you're stuck with him.

- Arnie, let's go get your clothes.

Okay, let's go.

Welcome to my version of hell.

Here we are, Arnie.

You ready to watch me get chewed out?

I can't believe it.

One little mistake.

I can't believe this day is turning out this way.

- Hey, Jack. - Dave, talk to me.

- Mr. Brady wants to see you.

He's not a happy man.

- Right.

- Victoria, she called twice,

and Grant's complaining

that makeup sabotaged his toupee again.

- Again with the toupee?

You know, we've gotta find a safe place for that.

We can't deal with this every single day.

- Jack, Jack!

Can I get a signature? - The City Council.

- What's this?

- Oh, it's another celebrity lawsuit.

- Another celebrity lawsuit?

This is crazy.

Why do they become celebrities

if they're gonna be so sensitive all the time?

- I'll take care of that.

I'll take care of that. - Jack.

Jack, I can't get clearance - The teleprompter is

- without your signature. - A little messed up.

But don't worry, the tech guy says he can have it fixed

by tonight's broadcast. - You know, this is crazy.

It's like we're dealing with Medieval production values.

It's insane. - Do I know you?

- I don't think so.

- Hi, I'm Dave.

- Hi, Dave, I'm Arnie.

- Hey, Arnie.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

- Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

- I can't deal anymore with this archaic technology.

Stacy, hi.

- Hi, Jack.

- I'm sorry, honey, I got held up.

Hey, that's really nice lipstick.

Are you mad at me?

I'm really sorry.

Hey, hey, I was working.

I promise I'll make it up to you.

- Promises, promises.

- Well-

- Hey, handsome.

- Hi, baby. - Ooh, mwah.

Yum.

Hey, seven o'clock tonight.

Don't forget.

- I won't.

- Oh, you.

Aren't you a cute little thing, you.

- Victoria, my name is Sarah.

- Sarah.

- Is it just me, or do you look bloated?

- Okay, I gotta go.

- You know, Sarah...

- Daddy, if she were anymore shallow,

she would evaporate.

Stand by with the open in 3, 2, 1.

Roll it, sound, take it.

You're watching Channel 6 News,

Southern California's number one news station.

Anchors Grant Strong with news and weather.

Taylor Lane with sports and entertainment.

And our eye in the sky on traffic reports, Julia Blake.

Remember, we dig up the dirt so you don't have to.

This is Channel 6 News.

- We'll be right back with a special report

from Julia Blake on that massive sewage spill in Malibu.

- And then Grant will let us know how long

this great weather's gonna last.

- I sure will, Taylor.

It really has been beautiful.

Gorgeous.

- And we're out.

- Could someone come look at this damn hair?

- Someone please come look at my damn hair.

- What was that?

Are you talking- - Just let it go.

It looks like- - Why don't you let it go?

Why don't you let it go, Taylor,

okay, please, for once?

- I'm not the one with roadkill on my head.

- Oh, that's nice.

That's really nice.

- Come on, honey, Victoria's not that bad.

You've gotta give her a chance.

- Daddy, she can't even remember my name.

- She's got a point.

- Well, I'm, I- - Landers, this isn't

daycare for crying out loud!

Let's go! Come on!

- That's Sarah.

That's Stacy.

Stacy, Sarah, this is my friend Arnie.

Take care of him.

I'll be back soon.

- You look familiar.

Don't tell me.

You're the guy from "General Hospital!"

Ah!

I just loved your death scene.

You hung onto that cliff for four days.

It was amazing!

And when they took you off life support,

and you made love to Nurse Ramsey one last time

before you died, ooh, it was beautiful.

- And tight in, there she is.

- Oh look, Sarah, your mom!

- The people of Malibu County have a reason to be upset.

As we reported last week,

the storm drains have not been prepared.

Bacteria levels are so high

that people are being urged.

Ugh!

- Oh, that's right, your mom's a reporter.

- Yeah, she gets all these assignments nobody wants.

She says you have to pay your dues.

- But your dad's the producer.

Can't he do anything about getting her better assignments?

- No.

- Victoria's so jealous of Julia,

she keeps Jack on a very short leash.

- Shampoo and set.

- Ugh.

- Okay, Jack, make my day, huh?

Where the hell's the story?

- It's, it's in editing.

- You're walking around here on thin ice,

and I'm carrying a flame thrower.

Don't push me, son.

- You're gonna have to trust me on this one, boss.

- Trust you, my butt.

Trust me.

If you don't produce,

you're gonna be outta here on a rail.

Do you hear me?

Same goes for you, chunky.

Outta my way, flash.

Move it!

Move it.

- I told ya.

40 to one.

Doug, we need someone in electric.

Got it.

- What is that, a Chia Pet?

- Shh, be quiet.

Woo.

Oh, I just love it.

It makes me feel so powerful. - Come on. Come on, come on.

Hey, Casanova, that's enough, will you?

Get back to work, son.

Honey, I wanna talk to you. - Daddy,

don't forget that we have dinner tonight

at Chez Chez with Jack.

- Oh, pumpkin, does it always have to be

the most expensive restaurant?

- Daddy, it's not the most expensive restaurant.

- Hello?

- Oh, hello.

- He looks awful familiar.

- Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe he is one of Jack's golfing buddies.

Who knows?

Gaffer.

- You know what, sir,

he looks really familiar to me too.

I mean, I swear I've seen him someplace before.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

- Do me a favor, will you?

Go play in the traffic, huh?

- Do you want your coffee? Uh, blue?

- Ah, what a memory.

Pink! Pink! Pink!

I've seen this guy before.

Johnny Carson, maybe.

Yeah, he looks like Johnny Carson.

Yeah, so that's what he's doing, huh?

No, he's not Johnny Carson.

- All right, people, let's do this!

You are on in three, two.

- Our top story tonight,

a massive sewage spill in Malibu.

But first, the weather.

Grant?

Thank you, Taylor.

Let me start off by saying

a big happy 105th birthday

to Agnes from Carson.

Happy birthday to you, little lady.

- You can expect a lawsuit from Agnes.

- Happy birthday, Agnes.

- Somebody lose Agnes.

Fly her away.

- Wow, it was a hot one today.

Highs reached the low 100s in the valleys

and cooling down into the 70s tonight,

with more of the same tomorrow.

Lots and lots of sunshine.

Lots of sun.

- That's not right.

- Hey, Dave, I thought we got the teleprompter fixed.

- Just give me dirt, any dirt.

It doesn't matter.

- Daddy. - Celebrities, politicians.

Just a second.

Yeah, I know I was supposed to be there.

I got held up.

Would you just do it?

- Hey, whatever happened to that dude from the golf course?

- Look, Daddy, it's Arnie! - What the?

- I'm sorry, Grant, there's been a mistake.

There's a low pressure area coming

from a tropical storm off of Hawaii

that's gonna lead to winds and rain.

- What the?

Russ?

- Talk to camera three, with the red light on.

- Well, um-

- Arnie. - Yes, yes, of course, Arnie.

There will be a coastal eddy in the a.m.,

burning off with the afternoon sunshine.

- Okay, who the hell's the nut in the knickers?

- No, there's a frontal system coming in

from the west that's going to bring

low clouds and drizzle.

- Paul, who is this guy?

- Hold on a second.

Jack?

- Go to commercial.

- We can't.

We don't have anything loaded.

If we go to commercial,

we'll sit in black for at least a minute.

It's your call.

- Go to commercial.

- No, no, it's gonna be sunny.

Sunny all day.

- Paul, let him run, this guy's hysterical.

Funny's money.

- It's funny how mankind has found the cure

for so many diseases,

and yet male pattern baldness continues

to be a mystery.

But give it time.

Oh, and one more thing,

you might want to take the glasses

off the top shelf tonight

because there's gonna be a 4.0 earthquake

hit the San Fernando Valley at 7:28.

Earthquake?

- Landers, go to commercial!

Go to commercial, now!

Black, black!

- Earthquake, huh?

Oh, damn, now that's a 5.0.

God, Jack, I'm really sorry.

- Don't worry, I can always move into this baby.

It's almost paid off.

Only 56 more payments and she's all mine.

- Perfect, just perfect.

If my parents find out that I'm fired,

they're gonna kick me out of the house.

- You got Daddy fired, huh?

- Yes, I guess I did.

- Did he cry?

- No, but he was a little sad.

But he'll be okay.

- I'm sorry, Paul, I'm sorry.

What can I do to make it up to you?

- Me and you and Arnie, road trip Vegas?

- I'll have to get back to you on that.

But you know what?

Actually, I've got a better idea.

Why don't you get in the car?

- I know what you're thinking.

Indian casinos, Palm Springs,

two short hours away!

That's why you're the producer.

- Well, bye, Arnie.

- Bye. - What are you gonna do now?

- Um, I don't know.

Since I've apparently inherited a father,

maybe we'll just travel the world

in search of Arnie's memory.

But first I want to introduce Arnie to my favorite bar.

- Well, listen, if there's anything I can do.

There is one thing.

No more reports on sewage spills.

- Bye, Dad.

Sorry you got fired.

Thanks, sweetheart.

I love you.

I'll call you later, okay?

- Wanna go get some ice cream?

- Okay. - Okay.

- Bless you, Horace.

- Thank you, my dear.

- Not at all.

- You're so kind.

- Thank you, Horace.

- No, honestly.

Horace? - Yes.

- We have an assignment.

- Righteo.

Is it him?

- I do believe.

Well, go on, Horace. - You go.

- No, no, no, go, Horace!

Horace! - Stupid.

Ugh!

Excuse me.

- Horace, the photograph.

- Oh, right.

Hello!

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Terribly sorry.

Horace, oh, do contain yourself.

Horace!

Get up, you silly sausage!

- I can feel them in my throat, Cybil.

- Here's your iced tea, Arnie.

- Thank you.

This is the best iced tea I've ever had.

- Hey, hey, hey, now.

Don't drink too much.

We get complimentary drinks at the casino.

- Jack, I'm so sorry I got you fired.

I feel really bad.

- You should feel bad.

I was doing fine until you came along.

- Hey.

It wasn't his fault.

You're the one that hit him in the head.

- Do you want me to leave?

- Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.

- Well, okay, I'm going.

- So long.

- I don't know where I'm going,

but I'm going, and I'll be all right.

- I know you will.

- Oh, come on, Arnie.

Finish up.

You don't wanna waste it.

- Oh yeah.

Cheers.

- Cheers.

Hey, Billy.

- Oh. Hey, Jack, I heard what happened.

You all right, man?

- Yeah, I'm okay.

Grab a seat.

- Oh, I can't. I'm meeting a blind date here tonight.

There's your date.

- Hey, hey, that's not funny.

Hold on, baby, I'm coming.

No, you can't see me,

but here I am, here I am right here.

- What happened to him?

- Well, it was a football injury 10 years ago.

He was the best running back in the NFL.

- Cheers.

- He's the strongest man I've ever known.

I love that guy.

- Love that guy.

- Earl to base.

I'm at the front gate.

Out.

Excuse me, sir!

- Can you help us, sir?

- Thank you, sir.

- Chop, chop, chop, chop.

Spill it.

Have you seen this man, sir?

- I keep a close eye in the proceedings around here.

I might know your perp.

- Oh, you are so kind, sir.

So kind-

- English, am I right?

Of course I'm right.

Not too much gets past me.

That's why they keep me here at the front gate.

I never forget an accent nor a face.

The rest of the officers are down on parking lot detail.

Me?

I'm the first line of defense.

- Not to press, sir, but have you seen him?

- Maybe I have seen him.

Let's say I have seen your suspect.

What assurance do I have that no harm will come to him?

Or, if he's a violent offender,

he'll receive a fair trial,

be brought to justice,

and never see the light of day again.

We can't have these psychos running loose in the streets.

That's what brings down civilizations.

Sure, I'd like to help you out.

But does it look like I got sucker written all over my face?

No siree, Bob, it doesn't.

- No, sir.

- I can smell a shakedown a mile away,

and right now you too smell awful suspicious!

- I think I've suddenly discovered why they keep him

as far away from the club as possible.

- Yes. - Because I got

great ears, that's why.

I heard that.

I hear everything. In fact, I hear what's going on

in Arizona right this second.

10 52 highway four.

They got him.

- Ooh.

Horace.

- I agree with you, Pumpkin.

But business is business, yeah?

- Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, I know that you're right.

It's just that I wouldn't want you to regret

making such a hasty decision, you know?

Jack is one of the best in the industry.

- Jack's an ass.

- Daddy!

- What do you think of that Michael Arlens?

Now there's a stud muffin.

- Mike Arlens?

Why, he's gorgeous.

And his father's a billionaire!

He's.

Yeah.

Well, you know, business is business.

You're a chip off the old block.

Thought you'd say so.

- Whoa, whoa, Daddy, Daddy, make it stop.

Daddy.

Daddy.

Even the small ones scare me.

- It's probably just an aftershock, honey.

- Hey, Daddy?

- Hmm?

- Didn't you fire Jack

because his weatherman predicted an earthquake?

- Yes, honey, but...

- Daddy?

- Huh?

- Daddy, your phone.

- What?

- Your phone.

Your phone, pocket.

Phone.

- Oh, thank you, honey.

- You're welcome.

- Yeah, Brady here.

- Mr. Brady, Mr. Brady, it's Dave.

I'm calling from my cell phone

because the switchboard is jammed.

Arnie's prediction came true.

People are going crazy!

- I'll be in in 20 minutes.

Call Julia.

She'll know where to find Jack.

Call Julia, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I said she'll know where to find Jack.

Move it, move it now!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you.

Mr. Brady, at 7:28 exactly.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nitwit.

It's not everyday you get Nostradamus to do the weather.

Yo!

Yes, sir.

- Check.

The check. Check, check, check, check, come on, come on.

Yes, monsieur.

- Oh, covert operation, my foot, Horace.

You've led us down the garden path again, haven't you?

- Well, Cybil, if you think you can do better,

why don't you?

- Oh, well, I couldn't do any worse, could I?

- Oh, really?

- Yes, really!

- Ha ha.

Where are we?

- Arnie!

- Sing it, big dog. - All right.

- Arnie!

- Arnie, Arnie, that was incredible.

That was amazing.

You remembered the song.

- I guess I did.

- You know, I don't know who you are,

but I'm really starting to like you.

- Well, thanks, Jack.

- Yeah.

- Why don't we go outside and get some air?

- Okay. - Okay?

- Good job. - Good job.

- Julia!

Hey.

- Jack, I need to talk to you guys.

- I need to talk to you.

I'm so glad to see you.

I wanted to tell you how sorry I am about today.

I know I screwed up.

I'll make it up to Sarah,

and now I'll have time to do that.

- Jack, Brady needs you all back in the station.

- Why, can he fire us more than once?

- You didn't hear?

- No.

- Arnie's prediction came true.

There was a 4.0 earthquake

in the valley at exactly 7:28 tonight.

- Wow.

Every station's covering it.

Where's Paul?

- He's inside.

- Okay, I'll go get him.

- Wow.

Isn't she great?

- She's terrific, and so is your daughter.

- Oh, Sarah's just like her mom,

bright, funny, beautiful.

Julia was smart to throw me out.

All I ever cared about was work.

Now I don't even care about that anymore.

I should've married her.

- Arnie's prediction came true.

Arnie, you the man.

Hey, hey, can you predict anything else?

Like, I don't know, a horse race?

- Knock it off, Paul.

- How'd you do it? - I have no idea how I did it.

- Hey, listen, Brady wants you to do

the 11 o'clock broadcast.

- Huh, huh, huh?

We're gonna be rich.

Betting the farm on Arnie.

- How about we stop and get some coffee

and sober you guys up, huh?

- Yeah, you don't look so good.

- I'm fine.

You know, Arnie, you remind me of someone,

and I do not know who.

Stop the car, I'm gonna be sick.

- What?

What?

- Paul!

- Oh! - Paul!

- No.

- Too late.

- I've only made two payments on this car.

- Ooh, it stinks. - My God.

- Did you say the 11 o'clock news?

- Don't even start.

Arnie, this is just the beginning.

We play our cards right,

we'll be in the chips in no time.

Oh, chips, I'm in.

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out.

Okay, okay.

- Jack!

Jack, so glad you made it.

Arnie's on in 30 minutes.

We gotta move.

You know, you're a genius.

Arnie, I knew it the first day I laid my eyes on you.

Jack, what the hell happened to you?

- Well, I was- - go get yourself

cleaned up. - We were singing.

- Come on, come on, listen.

We don't have time for this.

- Well, Mr. Brady, as of five o'clock this afternoon,

I no longer work for you.

- Is that right?

Well, listen, I have a little something here

you might be interested in.

That ought to change your mind.

Now, let's go! - Oh.

- Hiya, Jack.

Pew, you stink.

Listen, you've got him by the balls.

Don't be afraid to squeeze.

Come on.

- This is what it's all about, boys.

The phone's been lit up all day, Jack,

sponsors, money, fame.

All I need is your John Hancocks.

Cigar?

Try this?

- No, thanks, I quit.

- Do you really think I should do this, Jack?

After all, I don't know who I am.

- Yeah, you do.

You're my new partner.

- Partner?

Don't think I've ever had a partner before.

- What's there to know?

You're Arnie the weatherman.

Besides, it's not like you're signing away your soul.

Jack?

- It's okay, partner.

- Very good.

Yeah.

- Hey, Buck.

What?

- You, you have...

- It's a miracle!

Hey, look, everybody!

It's grown back!

It grew back!

- Yeah.

- It grew back!

It's grown back!

Look at it!

Hey, this Grant Strong coming to you live

with hair!

How you doing, Arnie?

- I don't know, Julia.

There's gonna be an awful lot

of people out there watching me tonight.

- I remember when Jack first hired me.

An hour later,

I was in the helicopter throwing up in a bag.

- Ah, ah, ah, keep your hair straight, sweetheart.

I don't wanna poke your eyes out.

- Why didn't you and Jack ever get married?

- I don't know.

I mean, we were really young when we had Sarah,

and Jack was so focused with his career

that he really wasn't ready to start a family.

- Well, ready or not, he did make a family.

- I know.

It's just that Jack had such a difficult past to deal with.

I mean, he went from one foster home to another.

He had no real sense of family.

- Why are you always defending him?

- I don't know.

Maybe he just didn't love me enough to make a commitment.

- Maybe he loved you too much.

- Oh, please.

That's not real.

- Hey, knock it off!

I just brushed it.

- You think that makes you a reporter?

You're pathetic,

You're a pathetic little hairless mole.

- Kiss me, you wench.

- Oh, please. - You know you want it.

- I've had you.

I'm still recovering.

It takes hours and hours

and hundreds of dollars of therapy to recover

from that one drunken experience.

- Oh, please, you begged for more.

Let's.

Get off of me!

Can we do the news?

- Yeah, for a change. - Can we just do the news?

- For a change. - Great.

- Here we go. Stand by. - Okay, I filed

all the paperwork for the lawsuit.

- Great, so everything's running smoothly.

But what about the teleprompter?

- It's fixed. Tech guy took care of it.

- Oh good, good, and Arnie is?

- Arnie, he's in hair and makeup.

He's about a minute away.

By the way, Mr. Brady, he wants to talk to you after.

Jack?

Jack?

Oh.

Maybe you're having a little change of heart, huh?

- Dave.

Dave.

- And now for the man of the hour,

Channel 6's very own

earthquake-predicting weatherman, Arnie.

Thank you very much, Grant.

I understand my earthquake prediction

caused a little excitement.

It certainly did, Arnie.

- Well, I'm sorry if I scared anyone.

But now for tomorrow's weather forecast.

Let's go.

Horace.

- Excuse me, young man, may I interrupt?

Oh, what a fascinating object.

May I have a look, please?

- It's Faust.

He's a German physician who entered

into a pact with the devil.

It's supposed to be a legend,

but I feel it symbolizes man's innate hope for immortality.

- Oh, fascinating.

You are very insightful for such a young man.

- Could you tell us where we are on this map?

We seem to have gotten ourselves in a right old dizzy.

- Okay, gimme a dollar.

- I do beg your pardon?

- Gimme a dollar to look at the map.

- Oh.

Does your mother know you do this?

- You're here.

- Thank you.

Excuse me, young man, wait.

Show him the photograph, Horace, the photograph.

- Righteo.

Have you seen this man?

- Five bucks.

You've seen him?

- Yeah, I've seen him.

$5.

- Give him a money, Cybil.

- All right, all right.

Better not be fibbing, you cheeky little chop.

- I'm not fibbing.

There he is.

Losers!

- Losers! - Losers!

- Father! - Father!

- Oh, father.

Horace, that's him!

He doesn't see us.

Hello?

He doesn't recognize us.

Father, it's Horace and Cybil.

Father!

- Clouds and light drizzle by morning,

because this little cloud up here is going to move

all the way down - How am I supposed

to keep up with this guy?

I have no idea where he's going next.

But by noontime-

- I gave him a million dollar deal,

and what does he give me?

Drizzle.

Hey, thank you, Jack.

- Now for tomorrow's super lottery numbers.

- Lottery numbers.

3, 7, 124.

- Wake up.

Wake up! You got a pen? - What is it?

- 33,

46 and 52.

- 46 and come on.

52.

- Sorry, guys, gotta go.

- Presley was good.

But you, Jack, you're a genius!

- The lottery, wow.

- Later.

- Grant?

Guys?

- Television?

Earthquakes, lotteries?

What the heaven's he doing?

Something is seriously wrong.

- Wait a minute, wait.

More quarters, Horace. - I want you go get over

- Please, more quarters. - To that television station.

- Yes, sir, that's - And find him.

- An exceptional idea. - And stop him.

- Absolutely, we will go immediately

to the television station. - I mean it, Cybil.

- Absolutely, yes, sir. - We're gonna have a raffle

today on both your heads. - Excellent, sir.

That's enough, Horace!

- Sorry, Cybil. - Let's go!

Hurry.

- It is so beautiful here.

- Yeah, yeah, it calms my soul, you know.

Do you want another cup of coffee, or?

- No, I'm okay.

- I'm gonna get a refill.

You know, I wish I could just have one cup of coffee.

I mean.

- Jack, are you all right?

- Look.

- It's beautiful.

- Yeah, but it was dead.

It was.

Wait, wait a minute.

I know who you are.

- Who?

- I know what you are. - You do?

- First the car's on the freeway,

then the dying man in the hospital,

then the earthquake.

Now the plant?

You're an alien!

- What?

- You're an alien.

You're ET.

Come here, I'm wanna show you something.

- What are you doing? - I'm gonna prove it to you.

Jack.

I couldn't put my finger on it before,

but now I know.

- Jack, stop it.

What are you doing?

- I'm going to cut my hand,

and you're going to heal me, just like in the movies.

- Yeah, Jack, I can't explain how those things happened,

but I know I didn't do them intentionally.

- The truth is out there.

Okay.

I'm ready.

Let the healing begin.

You may have to touch it, actually.

I think maybe I cut too deep.

Arnie.

- Jack?

Jack?

I don't care, lady.

Now you have a home.

We've been waiting her for four hours.

- Just don't push. - Four hours, I tell you.

- Look at all this security, Cybil.

- What's your theory, Horace?

- Well, it can only mean one thing, of course.

He's been apprehended and cloned.

- Cloned?

- Yes, that man we saw on the television is an imposter.

- Utterly brilliant, Horace.

- Elementary, my dear Cybil,

but we have to rescue him from this travesty.

- One question though, Horace.

- Yes, my dear?

- Why would they bother to clone him?

- You always have to go and spoil everything, don't you?

- I saw that, Horace,

and I don't appreciate it.

It's not that I mind his company.

He's a really nice guy. He's a really sweet old guy.

I mean, I enjoy hanging out with him,

but I just, I don't think that Arnie,

I don't think he's from this planet.

Like ET?

- Yeah.

Look, I mean, look at my hand.

Look at my hand.

- I don't see anything.

- Exactly!

Yeah, there's nothing there.

I cut it last night, and now it's gone.

Now it's completely healed.

I woke up this morning, and it was-

- Come on.

- No, no, seriously, listen.

How would that happen?

Are you listening to me?

- I'm listening to you.

Next you're gonna tell me he put fairy dust

in your glass slippers.

Come on, back up, Cinderella, my shot.

- But did I tell you about the tomato plant?

- He gave you a tomato plant?

- No, he- - Back, back, back.

- Arnie, are you remembering anything yet?

- Nah, keep playing.

- Okay.

Ugh.

Come on, Ben Hogan, let's putt.

All right.

- Five bucks says you, wait.

Hey, Arnie?

Is he gonna miss his putt?

10, 20 bucks says you-

What now, hey?

Hey!

- Arnie, Arnie, every one of your predictions has come true.

How did you do it?

- He bought a crystal ball.

Come on guys, give him a break.

- Just a lucky guess.

- Just a lucky guess?

Three productions in a row?

- I must be a heck of a guesser.

- Dammit, Victoria, what are you doing?

- Hi, handsome.

Just be quiet.

Just take it easy.

It's publicity.

It's good for the station, and it's good for Arnie.

And besides, everyone, "The Prophecy Show,"

starring Arnie, goes national tomorrow night!

- This is no good.

He's not feeling well. We gotta get him out of here.

Billy, Paul.

Come on, leeches, make a hole, make a hole.

- Father.

He's your father?

- Yes. - Yes.

Don't you recognize us?

- This is for you, Father.

- Happy Father's Day.

- Arnie, are you okay?

- Yes, Jack, I'm fine.

I'm sorry, I don't recognize you.

- Father.

- But your his son?

- Yes.

We're all his children.

- What a psycho, move, move. - No, no, no, no.

- Come on, we need some help over here!

Don't go.

You're running out of time.

The universe.

You've got to come home with us.

- On your feet. - Horace.

- Father! - He doesn't recognize us,

Horace. - All right,

I should've figured

you Redcoats would be mixed up in this nonsense.

Well, get prepared to meet our version of Scotland Yard.

We call it the hoosegow, the big house,

the rock, tin pan alley.

Arnie! Arnie!

- I've had the production crew working around the clock.

There's been building and designing-

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This guy seems to know everything.

Jack, what do you think, huh?

Surprised you, huh?

Classy, ain't it?

- Yeah. - Go ahead, tell him, honey.

The old man's not afraid to shell out a few bucks.

Go ahead, tell him. - That's right, Daddy.

- "The Prophecy Show"?

- Yes!

You gotta strike while the irons hot, Jack.

- Hot.

- This is our moment.

Our place in the sun.

- Place the sun.

- What's the show about?

- Never thought about that.

Well, hell, who cares, huh?

That's your department anyway.

Look, throw in a little razzle dazzle.

Top it off with Arnie.

We've gotta hit on our hands!

Tomorrow night, prime time.

I'm talking about the big time.

- The big time.

- I already said that, kid.

Arnie, hey, what do you say?

How about a cup of coffee?

No, let's make it a grande latte.

- Wow, Daddy.

- Yeah.

Cream, sugar?

- Sugar, please.

Yeah, sugar, yeah.

Why don't you step up to Sweet'n Low.

Come on, let's go.

- Ah. - Ah!

Hey, baby.

Uh oh, is Jackie still mad at me?

Or don't I turn you on anymore?

- Well, you know, I'll have to get back to you on that.

- It's Julia.

She's back in the picture, isn't she?

- Maybe.

- Oh, really?

Yeah. How long has that been going on, Jack?

- Uh, Jack.

Um, phone call.

It's Julia.

- I've gotta get this.

- You know, it looks like your schedule's opened up.

You free for dinner?

- Are you high?

Get outta here.

- Sorry.

- You'll be back, Jack.

Yeah, I got your message.

Tonight's not gonna work out for me.

- Well, if it's about Sarah, I've got it covered.

Arnie says he'd love to babysit.

Hello?

- Why dinner?

I need to talk to you about something.

- You okay?

- I can't talk about it now.

I'll pick you up after work.

Okay?

Okay.

- We had him, but then the police arrested us.

Arrested?

- Oh, sir.

Just sit tight.

I'm coming. - Horace!

- Cybil, I- - All right.

One phone call, one minute.

Let's go.

Back in, let's go.

Excuse me, sir, you're pinching my arm.

- Would you like a cup of tea?

It will make you feel better.

- Sure, as long as it's not from Long Island.

Thank you.

Mm, wow, that's very good tea.

- This is for Mommy.

And this is for Daddy.

My psychic told me that my mom

and dad will get back together soon.

- You have your very own psychic?

- Yes, well, kind of.

It's the Psychic Network.

Don't tell my mom though.

She doesn't believe in it.

I also check my horoscope every day.

I find that the stars have a lot to do with our destiny.

Don't you think so too?

- Well, I think you might just be right.

- Arnie, do you miss your family?

- How do you know I have a family?

- You have big family.

How do you know that?

- I got an extra three minutes free,

so I asked my psychic for you.

- Oh, thank you.

- You're welcome.

She said, "Don't worry, you'll be home soon."

- Oh good.

You look very elegant tonight

in that purple shawl and that fine hat.

And I'm having a lovely time.

Are you?

Me too.

Drink.

- You should have seen this.

There's no way that any human could have moved the cars

out of the way like that.

It was incredible.

I've never.

Okay, yeah, go ahead.

Make fun of me.

- I'm sorry, but this is a little ridiculous.

I mean, aliens?

- Well, you explain it.

You tell me how these things are happening.

- I don't know.

I mean, maybe it's anxiety.

Your mind playing little tricks on you.

- No, it's not that.

There's something different about him.

- I don't know, he seems pretty normal to me.

- Well, I feel different when I'm around him.

- What are you saying, Jack?

- Ever since I met Arnie,

I've been looking at things in a whole new way.

I mean, you, Sarah.

I want my family back.

- Actions speak a lot louder than words, Jack.

And what about Victoria?

- What about Victoria?

You know, she never meant anything to me.

I mean, it was strictly physical.

- Oh, that's real nice.

- Well, it was.

I mean, not that it wasn't physical between us.

- Yeah. - We have a daughter.

That was physical.

We practiced a lot.

- Jack, shut up.

- Okay.

- They're calling him either a prophet or a fraud.

But Arnie did it again.

For the first time in history last night,

3 million people won the lottery.

I know I did.

- How does it feel to be a super Lotto winner?

- We only won a buck.

- A buck?

- Well, no, see, I thought it.

When I filled out to ticket, honey,

it said that we were gonna win 30 million,

and then everybody won.

So we won a buck.

What are you looking at?

What?

You wanna go, huh?

Little man in the tie wanna go.

I wanna go.

Want a piece?

What are you looking at?

Oh, you want some? Come here! - Hey, what the?

- That's Mom and Dad!

Yay!

- Hey.

- Mommy, Daddy, everyone won the lottery.

- We heard.

Guess what, cutie?

It's time for bed.

- Can Daddy sleep over?

- Yeah.

- No.

- Oh.

Okay, kid, time for bed.

Please, can you and Arnie sleep over?

You can sleep in my bed.

Mom won't care.

- I think she would.

Uh uh.

She misses you too.

I know she does.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Mommy talks about me?

All the time.

- Really? - Uh huh.

- Huh, let's go to sleep now.

Get in there.

Dive.

Good girl.

Good night, baby.

I love you.

- Dad, my purple monkey?

- Ah, yes.

Lars, the Swedish monkey, is coming to kiss you

on the cheeks.

Mm, mm.

- Dad. - Sorry.

- Night, Dad. - Goodnight.

Hey, beautiful girl number two.

- Is she sleeping?

- Almost.

You know, you're doing a great job with her.

- Well, it's not easy sometimes.

She's a lot like you.

- Yeah, she's a pain in the ass.

- Mm hmm.

- Why aren't we still together?

- God, where do I start?

- Are you sure you don't want me to stay?

I make a mean omelet.

Remember?

The scallions?

- Oh, let me think.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Goodnight, Jack.

- Hey, hey, no kiss?

- No.

- What, just one kiss?

One little kiss?

- Goodnight.

- Want me to drive?

- Do you believe in destiny?

You know, that things are meant to be?

- You know what I think, Jack?

- Hmm?

- I think destiny is knowing who you are

and not being afraid to face it.

- Yeah.

Do you believe in God?

Arnie?

Arnie, are you...

Sleep tight.

- Oh, now I gotta take the God...

Blessed stairs.

- Hey, you look great.

That looks terrific on you.

That's a good color.

That's a good fit.

Not bad, right?

What's, what's wrong?

- Jack, I can't do it.

I can't do the show.

It's wrong.

- You're kidding.

You've gotta do the show.

Everybody's counting on us.

This is nationwide.

This is gonna put us on the map.

You know what, maybe it's stage fright.

Hold on.

- Hello?

- Julia.

Julia, it's Jack.

Could you talk to Arnie?

He's feeling a little nervous.

Oh, sure.

- Okay.

Here you go.

- Hello, Julia.

- Hey, Arnie.

What's wrong?

- I just have this overwhelming feeling

that what I might say tonight could hurt

a lot of people.

- Well, if you don't wanna do it, you don't have to.

- Okay.

- So what did she say?

- She said I didn't have to do the show.

- What?

What, are you crazy?

This is sabotage!

I can't believe it!

- Jack he said he doesn't wanna do it.

Just give the guy a break.

- But this is my big chance!

- You know why we're not together?

Because it's always about you, Jack.

- What?

No!

Geez, I can't believe it!

I can't believe it!

This is insane!

I don't.

Please, God!

- Okay, okay.

If you feel that strong about it, I'll do it.

- You will?

Oh, good, good, great.

All right, terrific.

Are you ready to go?

Yeah, let's go.

Come on, come on.

It'll be good, come on.

- Thank you so much, sir, for bailing us out.

- I should have left you in there to rot,

but I need the two of you.

- Right, sir.

I say, sir, we're doing our best, sir.

- You look a little tired, sir.

- I am tired.

The elevators are out,

and I had to use the stairs.

You know how many stairs that is, Horace?

- I do believe it's about a hundred.

Sorry, sir.

- The entire universe is in our hands.

- Oh, sir, problem, sir.

- Maybe you should lose the putter.

- Well, if it's okay with you,

I'd like to hang onto it.

- Okay.

- They're waiting for you in makeup.

Come on, come on.

- I'm doing the show. - Jack!

- Julia, I'm so sorry. - I'm so proud of you!

- I lost my temper. - Mwah.

- I was. - Come on with me.

Julia, I was trying to - Come on, this way.

- I was trying to get him to do the show,

but now I guess he said he would.

- What's wrong with Daddy?

- He's just being Daddy.

Come on, hon.

- Father! - Father!

- Excuse me! - Sorry,

no audience allowed tonight.

It's a closed set.

- Chop, chop, Cybil, smartly to it.

- Come on, Horace.

No, folks, you gotta stay back.

- Hey, who do you like in the fourth at Hollywood Park?

Really?

Can you float me 90?

Ah, your loss.

Okay, $10 on Itch in Daddy's Pants in the fourth.

Thank you.

Um, Dave, call security.

I think we got the religious freaks

from the golf course at the back door.

- Where are you two going?

That's the wrong way.

Ugh!

Remember the mission!

Get off.

- Live from Hollywood, California.

Oh, no, that's no good.

Come on, Grant, you've got the hair.

You've got the smile.

Now, give it to me.

Give it to me, baby.

All right.

Our top story...

Hi.

- I'm terribly sorry.

- Our top story tonight.

- Billy.

- Is this the set?

- Yeah.

- Oh, well, there's a duck here.

It's a big night for you.

You ready for it?

- Well, I don't know.

I mean, Arnie's not comfortable with the show.

Maybe I'm pushing him too hard.

- Well, call it off then. - It's way too late now.

The whole country's watching.

- I'll go talk to him.

I'll see what I can do. - Thanks.

I just wanna get through tonight.

- Okay.

Um, the duck?

I don't get it.

- Yeah.

Dave?

- Yes, Jack.

- Could you get rid of the duck?

- Really? - Yeah.

- We're gonna lose the duck. - Striking the duck.

Scrappin' the duck, come on.

- I like you.

I think you're great.

You wanna see my office?

- Hey.

You look like hell.

- Thanks a lot.

- I'm, hey, let me tell you something.

When I left work today, all the girls at the office,

when they found out that my buddy was the prophet,

I had to beat 'em off with a stick, man.

I had to get that.

Arnie.

- I'm sorry, Billy, I got a lot on my mind.

- Oh, well lay it on me.

My legs are shot, but my ears work pretty good.

- Billy, if you could ask God one question,

what would it be?

- I'd thank him.

- You'd thank him?

- Yes.

Absolutely.

I'd say, "Thank you, Lord, for giving me life."

I'd say, "Don't worry.

I know at times in this world,

it looks like there's more evil than good,

but there's a lot of people out there

with good souls, and their spirit will always prevail."

- You're a good man, Billy.

- I have my days.

- Hey, boys.

- Hey there, Goldilocks.

- How's it going, Billy?

- Oh, it just hopping along.

I'm gonna let her do her magic on you.

I'd wish you luck, but I know you don't need it.

And I'll talk to you later.

- Mm hmm.

How you feeling?

- Okay.

Pretty good.

- Mm.

You feel a little clammy.

- Yeah.

- You feeling hot?

- Little bit.

- Oh ho, the big A, boy.

Arnie, you look terrific.

Yes you do!

Jack!

Jack, come here, come here, come here, come here.

Gonna make a star outta you, son.

Come here, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.

Hey, hey, does this guy look terrific or what?

- Brady, I don't feel comfortable about this.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, Arnie doesn't wanna do the show.

That's it.

- Are you kidding?

What the hell are you talking about?

Both you guys signed a contract.

It's binding.

You screw this job, Jack,

and I'll break both of your legs.

Do you hear me?

Personally!

Hey, have a great show, guy.

Don't break my heart.

Talk to me, Dave.

- You okay?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did Grant get the questions?

- Yeah, Grant's got the questions. He's all rehearsed.

Everyone's through the works already.

Thank heavens, it's him.

- Get security.

- Father. - Father.

- Father, you've got to come back with us, Father.

Cybil.

- Horace.

- Hold it right there, Bonnie and Clyde!

- Oh my goodness, it's the peculiar gentleman

from the country club.

- That's right.

My daddy raised me to be a double-dipper,

nights at the country club,

days here at Channel 6,

and Saturdays and Sundays at the Victory Bowl-a-Drome.

- Get your hands off of me. - Easy.

- Who do you think you're talkin' to?

You've made a terrible mistake, mister.

My wife Kim and I just flew in from New York City.

- That's absolutely right, darling.

We just flew in last night.

We're absolutely exhausted already.

- Well, it's a good thing I came in third place

in my linguistics class in security school.

Now, I got a nice warm empty milk crate

waiting for you at the brig.

Now, I don't want any more monkey shine

from either one of you, okay?

Or I'll have both of my subordinates here

do a Mexican hat dance on both your skulls.

You wanna follow me to the guard gate?

I thought you would.

- Cybil. - Boys.

- No! - Get your hands off me.

I don't know what you guys

are talking about. - Father!

This is ridiculous.

Father? - Father!

- Happy Father's Day.

- Oh, thank you very much.

This will really improve my putting game.

I can't wait to try it out.

- Oh yay, Father, yay.

Arnie.

Are you okay?

- Jack, Jack.

I think I know who I am.

- Great. Who are you?

- I'm- - Ladies and gentlemen,

"The Prophecy Show," starring Arnie!

- Stand Arnie by.

- Arnie, you're on.

Let's go.

- Arnie?

- Arnie, I didn't hear you.

What did you say?

The music was too loud.

- Okay, people, let's settle in.

Show time.

And we're on in five, four,

three, two, one.

- Crash it, Mike, cue him.

Cue him! Come on!

- Live from Hollywood, California,

the prophet Arnie!

- That is wonderful, Dad.

- Oh my God.

- Daddy's got everything riding on this,

so if Arnie screws up,

he's holding you personally responsible.

- I should have never done this.

- Arnie?

- Yeah.

Arnie, are you ready?

- Yes, Grant.

- There's something wrong.

- No, no, no, honey, there's nothing wrong.

- Yeah, there is.

No.

- Brady, Brady, I'm stopping the show.

- What?

- What are you talking about?

What are you crazy or something?

- In these envelopes,

I have the 10 most frequently asked questions

on our website.

The contents of these envelopes have been kept concealed

from our prophet until this very moment.

- Please, please, please - Please, please.

Get out!

- I do believe the end is near, Horace.

Horace.

- Question number one comes to us from Brian Turnbull

of Roswell, New Mexico.

Arnie, is there really life on other planets?

- Something's wrong. - Tighten the shot.

Stay with him.

- He's not looking so good.

- In, in. - You try to stop

this show, you're gonna wind up producing

television commercials in Camden, New Jersey!

You hear me?

- Mr. Brady.

- What do you want, Caesar?

Ugh.

- Oh my!

Caesar!

- Arnie!

- Arnie.

- Go to commercial.

- Someone call 911.

- We need an ambulance at the station.

Yeah, Arnie's having a heart attack.

- Jack, is he gonna be okay?

- It's my heart, Jack.

I'm sorry.

- It's my fault.

I pushed you too hard.

I'm sorry.

- It's not your your fault, Jack.

I'm glad for the way things worked out.

I got to know you, didn't I?

And Julia and Sarah.

I'm a celebrity.

- Daddy?

Is Arnie gonna be okay?

I hope so.

- Billy.

Jack, don't be afraid of life, Jack.

The pain of loss is a small price to pay

for the privilege to love and be loved.

- It's not that simple.

- Yes, it is, partner.

- Watch it. - Hey, you guys,

move outta the way.

- Hang in there, buddy.

Everything'll be fine.

- Julia,

have patience with Jack.

He's a good man,

and he truly loves you.

- Arnie?

Arnie!

- Arnie, wait!

Arnie!

Arnie!

You forgot your putter!

You forgot your putter, Arnie.

All right.

- Billy, your legs!

- Look at him! - They're working!

They're working!

- Your legs, your legs, your legs!

Yeah! Yeah!

- Woo, woo, woo!

- Yeah!

Oh, thank you!

Come on, kick those legs, man.

We're going home, Cybil.

- We did it, didn't we, Horace?

- What took you guys so long?

- Oh for.

It ain't easy jackin' a ride like this, Father.

- From high above the San Diego Freeway,

this is Julia Blake for Channel 6 Action News.

- And we're out.

Home, James.

- Roger that.

We're on our way.

- Any word on Arnie? - Nah.

That's so weird.

I can't believe he just disappeared on us.

- Who's that close to the hole?

The pimp, the pimp is the one

that's closest to the hole.

Do you see me?

Do you see me?

Do you see me?

- All right, all right, Riverdance,

knock it off.

- Hey, man, you need to lighten up.

It's been a few weeks,

have you even talked to Julia yet?

- Nah.

I'm such a jerk.

She deserves a lot better than me.

- Man, quit feeling sorry for yourself.

You love this woman?

Go after her.

That's what you do.

- Could we please just concentrate

on the game, or? - We can do whatever you like,

but what I think is that you should-

- Billy.

- It's your life. - Yeah.

- All right.

What are the odds here?

- I don't know.

I don't gamble anymore.

What? Putt.

- All right, let the big dog eat.

- Oh! - You gotta love me.

You gotta love me.

Do you love me?

You love me.

I know he loves me.

Did you see that?

I'm so good.

I'm so good.

It's so good to be back!

- Arnie.

It's your lie.

All right, come on, Paulie.

- Guys, I gotta take care of something.

- You all been taking advantage

of a man with no legs.

Look at me now.

Look at me now.

Woo ha!

Who's the man?

- Julia, check it out.

- Is that for me?

That's for me!

- Does that mean yes?

- What do you think?

Yes!

Fore!

- Oh. - Oh.