Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

- Jill, where's Abigail? - Morning, Jill. How are you?

Oh yes, sorry. Morning, Jill.

Is Abigail OK?

I think she's having a little run around

outside actually, Cath, in her basket.

Run around! Who's in charge of her?

Bruce, I think. Yeah.

Getting his practice in for D-Day.

Well, B-Day.

Well, B and J-Day.

I don't mean blow-job, Cath,

although he is quite partial.

Jill, d'you know anything about this?

I found it in bed last night with

some forks. Oh, Cath.

This is what happened to Sylvia Plath.

No, no.

I'm just so tired, Jill.

I just need some sleep.

I love you, Kath.

Okey-dokey.

Oh!

Oh, golly. Thank you very much.

CATHY!

Sorry, Cath.

I'm sorry.

I thought you'd passed over.

No, I'm absolutely fine, Jill.

"Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard

# Love is like a bomb, baby C'mon get it on

# Livin' like a lover with a radar phone

# Lookin' like a tramp Like a video vamp

# Demolition woman Can I be your man?

# Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light

# Television lover, baby Go all night... #

Do you want a little top-up with your sausages, Don?

No, thanks.

There you go.

Hello. Please don't start with the sniping, Bruce. Morning.

Morning, Cath. Hello. Lazy bones.

Hi, Don. Morning.

Oh!

Right on the nose.

- OK with your sausages there, Don? - Yes, they're lovely.

Good, lovely. Bruce, are you OK?

Very excited about my breakfast this morning!

Mrs Rumbly Tum!

All right, Cath.

Coming up. This is not the Savoy!

I'm all right. I'm all right, Don.

It's OK. It's just the baby lashing out. I'll be OK.

I'll get on with your breakfast, Cath. Thank you, Jill. Oh-h-h...

Floella Umgababe.

- She's not here today. Sorry. - Can I take a message?

I'M Floella Umgababe.

There we are, then. For her ladyship.

Oh, thank you, Jill.

Just thinking of your figure, Cath.

I'll just soggy up your rusk a bit.

There we are. Donny.

There we go. OK, everybody set?

Lovely.

- This is a good bit. - What are we watching?

It's just your birth, Cathy. Oh goodness! I just thought cos these lot missed it.

< SCREAMING

He doesn't want to look at his mother's

privates over his crunchy nuts!

I wish we'd shaved you, Cath.

BABY CRIES

Abigail, darling.

She's fine, Cathy. Are you all right, darling? Jill, it's fine.

I've got her, thank you.

Support the head, Cathy. Support the head, Cathy!

- I know, Jill. Thank you, Jill. - Support her at all times.

- She's fine, I know. - I've had two already.

There we are. Are you OK, Abigail?

Come on.

- Come on, sweetie. - She's not locking on, is she, Cathy?

No, she's not locking on.

This happens in your late 50s, Cathy. The nipple will become a dagger.

For goodness' sake!

I'm the last one down again.

Oh Sue! Hello, Sue.

Lazy boots. That's very summery.

Are you off to vicars and tarts?

Sue and Vicar Arnaud have gone their

- separate ways, haven't you? - Since his conviction.

I think you'd better hand her over, Cathy. She's fine. No she's not.

She's whining. Jill, she's fine.

She's not. She's better with mumsy.

Come to mumsy.

Back with mumsy.

ENGINE STARTS

I've always - well, you know I've always had

a bit of a thing for you.

Yes.

But Cath's my best friend.

I want to be inside you.

I've tried to fight it for years and make things work here,

but Cath's stale, she's like a safe old blanket.

Whereas that dress...

Just makes me want to bonk.

Sue, I want to be with her

so badly,

and fill her up until she explodes into tiny pieces.

I'm going today.

I'm going to sail on the 4 o'clock tide.

Where are you going? Spain.

I've hired a boat called Sue.

I'm... I'm just shocked.

I'll pray on it.

Don, I heard what you were saying.

Please don't tell Cath. I won't.

And Don,

I love tapas.

You shut your face, you fat cow!

I've told the police everything, Jill.

Your time is nearly up.

- I'm armed, Jill. I'm armed. - I'm not afraid to use it.

Oh, Glen. Glen, come on. Come on, Glen.

You save it! Save it, Jill!

Come on, let's have a nice little chat over a Cornish pasty.

I'm hardly in the mood to chew the fat with you, Jill.

It's mostly potato, Glen.

Get away, Jill! Your weasel words will cut no ice with me.

I've had it up to here with you, Jill.

And nothing you say will make me change my mind.

I'm pregnant with your child, Glen.

Oh God, how long? 11 months.

Oh Jilly.

How do I know you're telling me the truth?

- Everything all right, Jill? - Yeah, fine, yeah. How's you?

Yeah, fine. I just...

..thought I saw a strange man lurking out here.

A sort of burnt Ken Dodd. Oh dear.

I think you should get some rest, Cath. Right.

OK.

I'm just off for a wax.

Right.

Glen, let's run away together.

Oh Jill, I'd love to.

You know I've always yearned to go on the booze cruise to Calais.

We could start a new life together with Baby Bulb on the Dordogne.

It would be like Bergerac. We haven't got much time, Glen.

I need you to get some things for Baby. Of course - what do you need?

I need seasick tablets, a sailor's hat, Faberge sunglasses.

40 Rothmans and some bobbly condoms.

Jeez, Jill. I thought it would be, you know, nappies and bootees!

Babies have moved on, Glen.

Just a little problem, Jill.

I'm so sorry, but I don't have a cent to my name.

Well perhaps you'd have the common decency to mug someone, Glen.

Jill, anyone catches sight of me, I'll

be straight back into the slammer.

I'm a fugitive, Jill.

Just wish I looked like Harrison Ford.

You do, Glen.

With a little dash of Wurzel Gummidge.

We'd better get you a disguise. Something to help you blend in.

You have to perform an armed robbery, Glen.

- Jilly, I don't have the wherewithal. - I wouldn't know what to...

Well just to do your best! I'll see you later.

Don?

Hi, Sue! Hi.

How's you? Great.

- Looking very pretty. - Nice to see you.

Is that man...

over there... ..with you?

God, no! Jill!

That's... my brother.

Nelson. Just getting the drinks in.

I can't do it, Jill.

Can I just clasp your titty for reassurance?

Sit down, Nelson.

This is Sue, Nelson, and Don. Hi.

Nelson. I'm from... Inverness.

Just come in off my ship.

My ship's come in. Hello, sailor!

Jolly tar!

Golly, you do frigs, do you?

No, I'm only on the big ships.

Big frigs. Cruise ships.

Frigging in the rigging.

You rig a boat?

No, no. He's a sailor, Sue.

Ooh! A little hungry, Jill.

Shall we order some nosh? OK.

I fancy a ploughman's.

- Get sucking on a big baguette. - Oh, Jill.

An escaped mental patient from

Bettle Lodge, a secure unit for the criminally insane, is still missing

and thought to be at large in Cornwall.

Glen Bulb is a male in his late 30s with a large mop of curly hair

and prominent teeth.

Hope we don't get to tackle him!

Glen Bulb.

That was Jill's fiance, who put Gordon in a coma.

Sorry, Sue!

Sorry!

Actually, it wasn't Glen Bulb that...

How's Cath? Fine.

But if that was Glen...

Is Cathy at the therapy centre at the moment, Don? With Jacques?

Jill... Why don't you go to the toilet, Nelson?

I don't need to go.

I can smell that you do.

Nelson has to wear a nappy, Don.

He's got a syndrome. Bad luck.

Could you assist him, please, Don, to the toilet?

Help him with his nappy? He won't bite.

Thank you.

Am I at large, Jill?

It's over here.

He's just heavied his pants.

You've had a hard life, Jill.

Bless you, Sue.

Don says you were listening to our conversation this morning.

Yes. THEY GIGGLE

I just feel I should tell Cath and come out with it.

Sue, I'd really rather you took your sour grapes elsewhere.

My grapes aren't sour, Jill.

- They're very sweet. - And really pointy!

You can't tell me you're not jealous about my upcoming bonkathon.

What you get up to with your brother is...

Me and Don. Don?

You and Don?

- Sue, he told you this morning? - Yes, he said how much in love he is with me

and how much he wants to be inside me.

He wants to be inside me, Sue.

Me. I heard him, going on about my dress, making him want to bonk.

He wants to be inside me and we're sailing to Spain at four this afternoon.

Don said the same to you?!

SHE CRIES

Where's Sue? Diarrhoea.

Sue.

Don.

Jill.

Jill, what the flip is going on?

Glen, this is such an amazing place, isn't it? Yes, it is.

- It really makes me work, Glen. - Yes. It is amazing actually.

Tectonic activity has folded...

- Let's have sex, Glen. - Jill, I'd love to.

A very tempting offer, Jill, but don't want to damage the wee one.

Don't put yourself down, Glen.

- I'd love to trust you, Jill. - I really would, but...

so many strange things have happened to us since we first met.

I need to learn to trust you all over again.

Don.

And there's also some evidence, you know,

to suggest that you might not be black.

- What evidence? Hey, let's... - Let's not get heavy. You know.

Um... We are just working with hunches here.

But...

someone claiming to be Floella Umgababe turned up.

She'll be from some look-a-likey agency, I shouldn't wonder, trying to cash in.

- Yeah. Um... - I'm also kind of concerned,

as a number one concern, that you haven't birthed at 11 months.

You are clearly conflicted about

- setting sale your uterine cargo. - Yeah?

Perhaps because...

you're black and you were raped.

I would like some time alone with you.

SHE YELLS, PEOPLE CHANT

In more, Don.

Oh, I want to be...

- your dirty PUPPY! - Oh! Oh, monkey, yes!

Keep it in!

I just need to nip to the toilet.

Jill... Jill.

Jill! Open this bloody door.

- Jill! Glen, Glen, Glen. - I'm about to give birth!

Jill. I don't believe a word you say any more. I'm serious, Glen.

- I don't want you to see me like this! - Oh, Jill, you know I'd see you any which way.

Even if you split your tinkle and it had to be stitched up like an association football.

Oh, God, Glen. What is it?

Oh, my God. Jill, Jill.

WATER RUNS > It's my waters. What about them? They're breaking, Glen!

Jill, let me in. Let me help you.

Oh, God. Oh, my God, Glen. I can feel it. It's gonna happen.

Is that the fluid that's in the books? It's the amniotic sac.

Oh, my God, the plug's come out. Oh, God. Oh, my God!

- What's this? Jill... - Jill, that's my curry.

- Jill... - Who's in there with you, Jill?

- It's my spirit guide. - Is he a Red Indian?

There's a wee bit of cauliflower out here.

My God, that's his ear. Maybe he's gonna be a rugby player.

There's all sorts out here.

There's a wee bit of potato.

- Glen, it's a bloodbath in here. - It's like a lamb bhoona out here.

- Jill, please just let me get hold of it. - I'll engage him in the canal or something.

WINDOW BANGS

Was that your cervix going?

He's bashing his head against...

You've got to be careful, the top of the head is very soft.

- A doctor told me once. - Oh, God, there's more, Glen.

Jill... Here's the afterbirth.

- Has he come out? Oh... - He's gone back up again.

- Oh, God, Jill, is your tinkle sore? - Let me help you.

- You did this to me, Glen. - I'm so sorry, Jill, I didn't know what I was doing.

Let me get my hand round his little head. Oh, God!

Jill, have you come?

I've heard some ladies can.

SHE MOANS Jill?

- I'm so sorry! Jill! - Jill, open up the door.

SHE SCREAMS

HE BANGS ON THE DOOR Jill! Jill!

- Jill, what's the matter? - Jill, open this door.

THEY MOAN

Jill... Jill.

- Hi, Cath. How's you? - Fine, fine. Good.

Oh, my goodness. Wow! Slim Jim.

Thank you. Yeah...

BABY GARGLES

- So what's in the basket? - Oh, just shopping. Oh, right.

Just apples, tea towel... BABY CRIES

Pretty noisy apples you've got there.

They're organic.

They seem to be moving, Jill.

I went to the farmers' market actually, Cath, and bought a lamb.

A live lamb?

No, a dead one, but perhaps he wasn't...

properly slaughtered. BABY GARGLES

- Oh, right. Sad. - Can I have a quick look?

At my lamb?

Your little lamb peep.

Jill...

- Oh, Jill, it's a baby! Yeah. - THEY LAUGH

I gave birth. Oh... Bang!

Oh, Jill... Well done, you!

Thank you.

- Thank you, grandma. Yes. - Can I have a proper look now?

- Not a great idea to keep its head covered. - I don't want to be a fuss pot.

Oh, my God, it's Abigail!

- No, no! Please... - Can I have her back please?

I don't know where she is! You're holding on to her. This is Apricot.

No, it's Abigail. It's Apricot.

- No, Jill, it's Abigail. - It's Apricot.

Jill...

Please, I know my baby. Give her back. And I know my baby, Cathy!

I have waited all of my life for this, even though I hate children.

Jill...

Give me my baby NOW!

- Look, it's a wig! - It's a silly clown's wig.

- Oh, my God! - You've pierced her ears.

She asked me to, Cath.

- Where is he?! Where is my son?! - Please don't say you've slain him.

What happened was... I did give birth earlier on, Cath.

I gave birth to what I prayed would be a she,

but turned out to be a he.

And the fact is I just...

I didn't like him.

All right, that happens sometimes.

I know, but it's typical of my life, Cath.

- Jill, plenty of people don't bond with their babies straight away. - But I hated that little bastard.

I didn't like anything about him. I didn't like his face, his hair, the way he looked at me!

What do you mean, the way he looked at you? Little bit smug.

Looking over my shoulder - is there somebody better over there?

Jill, they can barely focus at that age.

No, Cathy... He knew what he was doing.

Look, I think maybe you're suffering from post-natal depression.

Cath, I'm suicidal since I've seen him.

Jill, where is my son?!

"Jolene" by Dolly Parton

# Jolene, Jolene

# Jolene, Jolene

# I'm begging of you please don't take my man... #

SHE PANTS

# Jolene, Jolene Jolene, Jolene

# Please don't take him just because you can... #

- Sorry. Can I just...? - Thank you. Sorry.

She's vanished! Jill!

Here he is!

This is Apricot. He was just hiding.

Jill, why did you leave him here?

He was just having a bit of me time, Cath.

He's so still. I know. This is what I mean about him! He don't make much effort.

Let us see him, Jill.

I would, but he's wearing a mask.

- A mask? - Just to keep his features in place.

They were very loose when he was first born.

- What's wrong with him? He's... - He's a little bit deformed, Cathy.

Oh... I still love him.

Of course, of course, let me see him. May I?

Jill, I can't see him! Oh...

They always say the first one looks like Daddy.

Please, may I?

He must've stolen it, Cath. That would be just like him!

- Jill... - There's nothing else there.

SIREN BLARES, MUSIC: "Jolene" by Dolly Parton

# You can have your choice of men but I could never love again

# He's the only one for me, Jolene... #

Keep it in.

CRASH!

"Lacrimosa" from Mozart's Requiem

THEY SCREAM