Original subtitles

HE WHISPERS

SHE GIGGLES

Jill, could you pass the pepper, please?

Sorry, Cathy, no.

It's too heavy for me, Cathy.

Oh...

Don?

Don...

Don.

Pepper. Oh.

Are you OK, Jill?

I'm fine, Sue. Please ignore me.

Oh...

It was a triumph. Thank you!

Thanks!

Oh, dear! Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, I...hope there was nothing wrong with the trout.

Was a bit tough.

Oh, dear.

Trout's...a hard one to get right.

I'm pregnant, Sue.

Oh! Oh!

I was raped.

Oh, dear.

By Bruce.

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

So...Jill...when did this happen with Bruce?

Many, many times, Sue.

He even entered my anus, Arno.

Oh, Jill!

He's a 12-year-old boy! I've got video evidence, Cath. I'd like to see it.

Tape's in the player, Sue.

Jill, I'd like you to have a DNA test.

Deform my unborn foetus?

- I'm sure Cath would... - wait until it's born.

And then deform it?! Oh!

SPLASH!

Catherine, your jug seems...kind of full today. What's...eating you?

Well...

the accusation that my son is a rapist!

Well, hey...

..we've all been...kinda forceful at times. He's 12 years old!

12.

13...

21.

42.

7.

Zero.

6.

One hundred.

Two.

18.

2,000.

30.

Five.

These are just numbers.

Yes.

Four.

11.

16...

Please!

Sorry.

Catherine, I'd...

I'd like you to hold the anger ball.

Now...

Bruce is a sexual being.

Most young men have been pleasuring the lingam since toddlehood.

I'm sure you had some young fun with your yoni. I've never...! You must remember Floella's background.

- She was brought up in a tribe. - She was not brought up in a tribe!

Catherine, I'd like you to move over to the rage rug.

OK.

Now...

LET it go!

Just...really let it fly.

I think life is...

pretty bloomin'...

SMELLY!

Jill, he's a 12-year-old boy!

- Cathy, he's been making sperm since the day he was born. - He's probably cooking up a little pop now.

He's at Cubs, Jill. Ca-ath!

- Jill, are you absolutely sure you had no part in this? - I'm absolutely certain, Sue.

I was like a useless rag doll. Why?

I was tired. Oh.

- A LITTLE bit flattered. - Bruce is ever so handsome.

And certainly more so than Don, Arno.

Don's aged really quite badly.

Mmm.

Look, Jill,

there are...alternatives.

Don's thinking of having a face-lift?

No - I-I'm talking about a termination.

SHE SOBS Oh, Cath!

I'm just trying to do the right thing! DOOR SHUTS

One must always ask

what would Jesus do in this situation, Catherine?

Hmm.

CHORAL MASS PLAYS

- Bless you, Cath. - Sorry to be such a burden.

- I wish I was dead. - Don't be silly, Jill.

Now, can I get you anything? No.

Get on with your life, Cath.

Um... Are you...all right? Are you in any pain?

Absolutely riddled.

Really bad, Cath.

PAINED HISSES

Okey-doke.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

I, er...wondered if we could just... have a little chat. Bruce.

About...

the birds and, um...

and the bees.

About owls and stuff?

Mmm.

Cos, you know...

Bruce, when, um...

when animals love each other very much, they...

like to...make whoopee.

Oh, whoopee cushions.

..Not quite as noisy as a...

Well, it...

Uh...

When animals get...

excited,

they...they...they need to...

pop that excitement.

In, in a...

The thing is, Bruce, you know, we're ALL animals.

Oh? Am I an animal?

I hope not.

GRUNTS AND MOANS >

MOANS ACCELERATE

JILL SCREAMS

Jillian...

Jillian!

JILLIAN!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh!

I'm so parched, Sue!

I did tell her I was thirsty.

Could I just have a sip of...water

or a cup of cold tea or something?

- Jill needs a drink of tea. - Yes. Cup of tea, fine..

OK. There is, um...

there is a basin there, Jill, you know, if you need water...

Cathy, I can't even sit up.

I'm so sorry, Cath.

Maybe I should just hang myself.

Jill, please, I... I'll get you a cup of tea.

Or a cappuccino if you have one, Cath.

Yes, that's...a bit tricky.

Baby likes a cappuccino.

Is there a...

a Starbucks nearby, Cath?

Jill, the nearest one is Exeter.

Right...

C... C... Cathy!

Yes, Jill?

Could baby have a biscuit?

..Right-oh.

Oh, bless you, Cathy!

CATHY! Yes, Jill? Yes, yes!

Yes, Jill?

A Twix would be nice.

For dipping.

WATER DRIPS ECHO

CHITTERING SQUEAKS >

TOILET FLUSHES

I don't think Cathy believes me, Vicar Arno.

She just needs to be sure, Jill.

Please,

think back.

Have you HAD any other...

..sexual relations?

I did suck off my cousin once.

Yeah...but any other?

Bless you, Vicar Arno-

I know I look very young, but...

there have been one or two others.

Mmm. OK.

But Arno,

Bruce was like a...

OK.

Easy, now.

Cath's just...

- so full of hate. - DOOR OPENS

Lovely cup of tea!

Bless you, Cathy.

I can't. Oh.

The potty's virtually bubbling over.

Right.

Jill, um... Do you think you could keep the potty just for number ones?

I would, Cathy, but when baby decides it's time to go, baby goes.

Yeah...it's not really baby, though, is it? It's...you.

Baby makes a sizeable contribution, Cathy.

Right, well, I'll empty it. Just this once.

Oh, Jill...

I asked you to keep it covered up,

but I really didn't mean with my Angora jumper.

Sorry, Cathy, I thought they were all looking at me.

Right, I'll...

Oh, Cath? Yes. Could you be quite quick, please?

I think there might be another one or two on the way. Right, er, well,

should I just wait? You're welcome if you want to watch, everybody.

Oh. Right.

I mean, when you're in bed

and you've got this huge bump,

do you...do you...? I don't know...

Do you hold on to the bedhead or Don?

When you turn over?

Oh! Sorry!

Erm... I just lie on my back, usually.

Ooh!

WHIRRING

Sorry to disturb you all.

Please just ignore me.

Sorry, Arno.

That's all right.

Feeling any better, Jill? No.

Much worse!

Much worse...

Jill, erm...

I can't help noticing that, erm,

you look much bigger than you did an hour ago!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Oh, sorry, Arno!

That's all right.

I hope it's not Satan!

Jill...

Are you...are you hungry, Jill?

I'm starving, Don!

Just help yourself!

SPOON RATTLES

I can't swallow, Cath.

Oh, dear.

JILL YELPS

Please not again, Cathy.

What?

Please don't strike me again, Cathy.

Jill, I...

It's not the first time, Sue!

Jill... Aaah! Jill... Aaah!

Ohhh!

I'm not...

I can't be your whipping boy forever, Cath!

Oh, Jill!

I'm sorry, Jill.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I just...

I just wish you were...

Ohhh!

..nicer!

Mmm! Are there any...

any more potatoes, Cath?

I'll go and have a look, Sue.

Aaah!

LABOURED BREATHING

Jill, is there anything we can get you?

Just my last rites, Arno.

Not that I ever really had any.

And maybe some...presents, Sue.

Even something big and extravagant.

I can't take it with me.

Cathy!

Cathy, is that you?

Yes, Jill, I'm here.

I hear you, Cathy.

Jill, Jill, Jill, I'm here.

Oh, Cath...

Oh, Cathy...

Cathy... Yes.

Before I slip away,

I just...wanted to say...

that...

HIGH-PITCHED CHOKING

Jill! Oh, God! Jill!

Jill! Oh, God!

Jill! Jill!

Oh!

Oh, Cath...

Cathy! Yes! Yes, I'm here, Jill!

I thought you'd gone.

Cathy, I really need to tell you something. Yes, Jill?

In my life,

I have told nobody this.

I...

Oh, Jill!

Jill! Oh...

JILL! Oh! Yes, Jill!

Cath, did you ever see that thing about...?

Oh, Jill!

Jill, please, Jill!

Jill! Oh, God! Jill! Jill!

Jill, come on! Jill!

Jill! Wake up! Jill!

Jill! Ohhh!

Oh! Oh, Cathy!

Oh, Cathy!

I thought I'd gone. Yes.

I saw... I saw everyone.

I saw Mary, as in Virgin, not Quant.

I saw Jesus!

Smiling like a puppy!

I saw Terry.

Gordon - he says hello.

- He looked very well, Sue. Good. - Really good.

Thick curly hair now.

Oh! I saw...

I think it was your mum, Cathy!

Tiny lady with glasses.

No, she was a large lady, no glasses.

Fat? No, just Junoesque, really.

Still alive, actually.

She looked...

very sp...

It was Lady Diana!

Ohhhh!

Oh, the Queen of Hearts!

Bless, she's shrunk a bit now

and she needs glasses, those thick pebble ones.

But she had a little crown on

and a pretty dress made of flowers!

She said, "Jill, I love you.

"You are the best person that ever lived.

"You...must...live on in hope.

"Take my mantle as the Queen of Hearts

"and spread light through the world.

"You shall bring unto this world your own child

"and you must live and bring it up.

"You, Jill, shall spread joy."

"Never Take Me Alive" by Spear Of Destiny

I know it's too late, Sue,

but did you ever want children?

Yes, but, erm... God never blessed me in that department.

Hmm. Where did he bless you, Sue?

Well, Sue's got...pretty hair!

And a... Pretty chest.

Praise be!

I, er...had my scan today, Don.

Hmm? Oh!

Please, Don.

Lovely, thank you.

Drinking when pregnant REALLY isn't advisable, you know!

Usually not.

But, erm, my problem is I have to keep the size of the foetus down.

The thing is, Arno, I've got a very, very narrow canal.

Obviously, on the way in, that's lovely.

On the way OUT,

I can't really cope with anything bigger than a turnip.

Anyway...

I saw the baby's heart today.

Oh, how exciting! Very good.

And her little thumb in her mouth!

Oh! Even more special!

Good practice for her, Cathy.

Mmm! Actually, Don, I got MY scan pictures today.

Oh, right! Sorry!

Selfish!

No, no! It's OK, Cath.

Before I show you, I must tell you...

The doctor said so.

I had the most attractive womb he had EVER seen.

Yeah.

Apparently, it's like a supermodel's womb.

Almost identical to Naomi Campbell's.

But not black.

Anyway...

THERE...is baby's eye.

That's...very BIG, isn't it?

Big eyes are attractive, Cath.

Maybe not just one!

I think that's the baby's HEAD, Jill.

Well, the scan was a very emotional time, Don.

We're HOPING baby's other eye

is just hidden round the other side of the head there, Sue,

and it's just obscured by a lock of hair. Hair?!

Yeah, the doctor said he saw hair in the womb.

There is evidence of hair.

Gosh! That's...very unusual!

And very virile!

Doctor says that I'll just hopefully cough up that

in the form of a hairball.

At some point.

Right. Yeah. Hmm...

Well, well!

So, the only problem is, erm,

is the hair actually extends

down the entire range of the spinal column.

Erm...

Now, that COULD result in a scenario

whereby the child is born in the form of a monkey

and THAT would be SO damaging to my self-esteem,

I would think about adoption.

Yes. Yeah.

Jill...

I know.

I've been assured they can wean him off it once he's born,

they do it with the heroin people, don't they, and all the different drugs.

My only worry is the ageing effect of smoking.

But at the end of the day, Sue,

I actually prefer them when they're older

cos the little babies are just USELESS.

Oh, Cath, no!

Ohhhh! Ohhhh!