Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

Oh, Jill, I'm so glad we've married.

I could do this all day!

It's lovely, Glen.

- I don't know if you were planning on leading onto a normal sex game or something a bit more... - you know?

I haven't really had much of any kind of intercourse. Normal's OK for me.

I thought we could try auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Is that involving a car?

It's a sort of strangling, but not actually. Oh.

Mm? OK.

The moment of your ejection is that bit nicer cos you can't breathe.

I do recall reading something similar about a Conservative MP with a Jaffa in his gob.

- Wanted something to snack on. - Half time at football.

Shall we give it a bash? Why not?

You're only young once, Jill.

I need to get you warmed up, haven't I, Jill?

You're very sexy in your top.

Jill! Jill!

Jill!

You caught me a bit off guard then!

Should have more of a run up to it.

OK. A bit of foreplay. Why not?

You've lovely long legs. You spider...

HE CHOKES

Hi, Sandy!

Hi! How is she?

Ahhhhh!

Ahhhhhh!

DOORBELL

Morning!

Oh!

Sue!

How's you?

Ah! Lovely to see you, Sue.

Jill, this is Vicar Arno.

Jill.

- So what brings you down here, Sue? - You hubby hunting?

I'm just... Just...staying for a while

to support Catherine.

Best friends.

We miss you, Sue.

Mum, I can't find my trainers.

They're right by your bed, I think, Bruce. OK.

Talk about skeletons, Cath.

He'll fill out.

I'm talking about sons I've never heard of coming out the woodworm.

Bruce was at boarding school down here so...

There's always one you love less.

Oops!

I'm just going to dash upstairs and have a quick shower.

I've got my appointment at Trees with Jacques.

So, excuse me.

Cathy - cappuccino would be nice.

Right.

How's Gordon, Sue?

He's dead, Jill.

I know.

It was Jill's fiance - Glen - that put Gordon in a coma.

Sorry, Sue.

It must be hard to forgive such a thing.

So, do you see any future for yourself, Sue?

Or are you going to call it a day?

I don't know really.

I just think I should hold onto my faith

and accept life as a useless, old widow.

Yes.

How many of those have you had, Sue?

Four.

Never get a husband as a fatty, Sue.

Big is beautiful. He would say that.

Ah, well - as long as you're not after Don.

Cos we all know deep down he's meant for someone else. I know.

It's wonderful.

Cath always loves being pregnant.

# Since you been gone Since you been gone

# I'm out of my head, can't take it... #

Sorry to bother you, Miss Floella.

I got you a sandwich.

Congratulations, Cathy!

Oh!

Gosh! Thank you!

Does Jacques know?

No. No. I haven't told him yet.

The daddy's got the right to know.

- Jacques' not the father, Jill. - It's Don's.

Don?

I'm assuming you had IBS, Cath, at your age.

Jill,

Cherie Blair had a child at 47.

I know. Have you seen it?

Sue, I really appreciate you not creeping up on us like a dog at a disco.

Just wiping off... It's a private conversation.

Are you sure you feel OK about it?

Yes. Fine.

It's just it's quite a big step, Cathy,

to bring a backward child into a broken home.

- Thank you, Jill. - You know, it's not too late to...

I mean, I do have contacts...

Linda who used to work on a farm.

I won't tell anyone.

No! No!

No! I don't want to do that!

No - Linda would do it.

Sue!

Just celebrating Cathy's forthcoming er...

the little one.

Praise be!

Praise be!

Maybe slip some pants on, Cath, so the baby doesn't get the wrong idea.

Got to go, Cathy.

OK.

Golly gum drops!

Do you know anything about that, Jill?

Don't know, Cath.

I mean, Sue was piling in them biscuits.

Maybe the vicar, you know, in his country...

Mustn't get cross.

Don's moved back in, which is...

He says I've got to relax and chill.

MUSIC BLARES

TYRES SCREECH

There we are then.

- I will have to ask you for �46.50. - I'm sorry, but...

OK.

For the petrol.

Cleaning bill, Cath.

Oh. Sorry.

Cathy,

don't worry about petrol.

Oh, thank you, Jill.

We'll square up later, otherwise it just gets nasty.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16.

And stretch!

Cathy, keep up!

Leg yaaawwwwwwwwnnn!

Papa's doing something that he shouldn't

on the lawn.

Split trumpet!

Split trumpet! Split trumpet!

And pig!

Rolling the sausage.

Hey! Good to see you dripping.

Oh, goodness!

Bit out of shape?

Mm, no.

I'm...

I'm pregnant, actually, Jacques.

I hope that's OK.

Hey, your age needn't be an issue.

Pippa was 45 when she birthed my first.

Seeing that head emerge from the yoni...

Well proud moment. Yes.

No drugs. No. I...

Cos usually I was stoned out of my box.

Goodness!

Are you OK?

# Saying I love you

# Is not the words I want to hear... #

Agh! Jill,

I'm going to have to go. Cath will be wondering where I've got to.

Please stay with me, Don. I've got a pot of ravioli in my bag.

Sounds great, Jill, but...

I've got to go.

- Please stay, Don. - We could share some meaty cushions.

Hm.

Ow!

Sorry, Don. It's my diabetes.

Please.

I just want to share some love with you, Don.

No strings.

And I'm not talking about tampons, Don.

Good.

Oh, Don!

Look...

I'm sorry, Jill, but... Oh!

Jill?!

God!

SHE SHRIEKS

Oh, God, Don! Please stay with me.

Please stay with me just till I pass over.

Jill, look, I don't want to.

And even if I did, I'd never leave a pregnant woman.

RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS

Sorry, Cath.

Sorry. Did I wake you, Cathy?

Yes.

Sorry.

Oh, Cath. What is it?

I was looking at birthing pools for you on the internet.

Thank you, Jill.

And I found something, Cath.

Please don't look, Cath.

Ugh!

Oh!

I know.

But how...?

Oh!

I don't understand.

I mean, I've done that one, that one, I had a go at that one as well.

I was just saying to Sue that Don's been fine

and really quite attentive.

Where is he now, Cathy?

Be out there somewhere filling up on porn like an elephant on buns.

NO, no. He's at the hospital having a...a minor operation.

Oh, my God! Is he having his face shortened?

No, Jill. He's...

..he's having a vasectomy.

Aren't you supposed to hit it or something, Jill?

Do you want me to have a go, Jill?

Right.

Do we put it in the front bottom or the back bottom, Jill?

Linda!

Right.

- Oh, my God, Linda! - Get her steak and kidneys!

OK, Jill. No, me, Linda!

- Sorry, are you hungry, Jill? - Would you just tip it in there?!

Right.

Steak going in.

Onion going in.

Pea going in.

Kidney going in. Want a bit of mash with that, do ya?

Just tip the bloody plate up there!

- What kind of images? - I think it might be helpful if you could describe some of the images you saw.

Er...

Well, um...

The woman was...lying on a bed...

Mm-hmm. And her legs...were open...

Mmm. And, er...

Naked?

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha!

Er...and...um...

There was...gaffer tape,

taping up her...um...

vulva.

Right.

And there seemed to be... a thermometer sticking out of her...vagina...

entrance...

Um...and her arms were bound

from the elbow to the wrist.

And her breasts?

Were they bound?

They had something round them.

Popping out? No? Bursting?

Well, they looked pretty sore!

And some of the girls, you know... they were very young.

They really were very young,

and...what upsets me is...

I wouldn't mind dressing up as a school girl...

with...the right person.

Often men who use pornography

are frightened of women.

The power of the vulva.

Are you frightened of your vulva, Catherine?

Um, not at the moment particularly.

With some guys, it's not a question of, "Am I gonna eat pussy?"

it's more a question of, "Is pussy gonna eat me?"

Yeah.

You feel like sex on the ground floor, Jill?

No...I...

SHE LAUGHS

I thought today, Glen, we could go feed the ducks.

Oh! I don't mind getting cosy in the long grass, Jill,

but I'd rather stay away from the water, I'm a wee bit frightened of it. Really? Yes.

Been known to pass out in the bath!

Once slipped under the water

and came to on the hearth rug in front of Stars On Sunday

with Daddy pumping up and down in front of me. Oh, dear.

Pumping water out of my lungs. Oh!

These days I tend to have more of a cat wash, just under the arms and downstairs

and sometimes my face.

- You can't swim, though? - No, can't swim.

Gotta be careful round water!

Gotta be careful round the ducks, then.

- Very dangerous, the ducks. Yeah? - Yeah, they can break your arm.

- Break your knee soon as look at you! - Ha, ha, ha!

Hello, ducks! Come on, Mr duck!

- They're all out today. - Wanna have a little go?

I'll stand well back.

- All right. - We can settle up for the bread later, Glen, otherwise it just gets nasty.

It's a lovely scene, Jill, isn't it?

Like something from a catalogue!

You in your mushroom!

- Ahh! I feel all safe now. - So do I.

You should be the other way round, mind!

Ha, ha, ha!

- Why, you little...! - Almost had me in there!

Think I've had enough of the ducks for today.

Oh, just a bit of horseplay! Oh!

Maybe a little more!

Oh!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Aaargh!

- No, no, help! I can't swim! - Jill, help me!

HE GASPS AND SHOUTS

LOUD SNORING

Thank you. I am still not pregnant, Linda and it is your fault.

Give Me Joy In My Heart

Bruce! Evening prayers are on TV!

OK! >

MOANING >

Ah ha ha!

GROANING CONTINUES >

KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in.

Hi, Bruce. How's you?

Fine.

Nice to see you, to see you nice!

Lovely.

I used to be a model, Bruce.

A model what? Glamour model.

I've actually brought you my calendar, Bruce.

I'll just show you a couple of pictures.

Um...that's me February.

Bent over a pony.

Um...November.

Just having a little shower with an orang-utan.

And then my favourite,

dancing with an ostrich, December.

Cos I'm actually a very attractive woman, Bruce.

I've actually been assaulted on more than two occasions.

Pick a colour.

Green.

G-R-EEN.

This Love by Maroon 5

# I was so high I did not recognise

# The fire burning in her eyes

# The chaos that controlled my mind

# Whispered goodbye and she got on a plane

# Never to return again

# But always in my heart... #

- Bruce? Do you like my dancing? - Not really.

# This love has taken its toll on me

# She said goodbye Too many time before... #

MUSIC STOPS

That's good.

It's a really good picture, Bruce.

Is it a little piggy?

It's Mum. Oh.

Have you ever done life drawing, Bruce? I dunno.

It's things like fruit, you know, like apples,

bananas, sometimes pineapples.

And naked ladies.

Apparently, Linda, Bruce would like to paint you,

so I'd like you to go over there, take all your clothes off,

and leave him with these tissues.

In case he starts crying?

I spy with my little eye...

Something beginning wiiiiiiith...

Lamp.

Lampshade?

No, lamp.

It's my go, now, cos I just won that one. See? Yeah, OK.

I spy with my little eye

something beginning wiiiiiiiith...

Crayon. Crayon.

- Jill said I gotta give you these. - Thanks.

I'm looking specifically for pants, Linda, there's bound to be something on pants.

I got some, Jill!

- Yeah, they look yellow. Yellow? - His Dennis is yellow?

- What's that, Jill? - It's an ultraviolet scanner, Linda, for stains.

SCANNER BEEPS

- Oh, my God! Look at these sheets! - Absolutely covered!

Oh! Smells funny, Jill. The sperm's very strong at their age, Linda.

They're like angry little mackerel.

Don't worry, Jill, we'll get it in! Every last drop.

- sLinda! - I'm a very accommodating person, but that sheet is a king-size.

Sorry.

It's all over my hands now, Jill. It's all sticky.

Well, put your hand up there, Linda, it only stays alive for 32 seconds!

Jill?

I can't get it out!

I think it's stuck!

Linda, we'll have to chop your hand off!

CAR APPROACHES

THUD

Oh, I think that's the lot of it.

Oh, it was terrible down there!

I saw all sorts.

I thought I saw a monster.

But I remembered everything, Jean, about that night.

About what Jill did that night.

She's trying to frame me, Jean.

And I'm really quite...

FROG RIBBITS

..Cross

I'm pregnant. Aaaargh!

- Are you in any pain? - Absolutely riddled.