Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

# Hold the line

# Love isn't always on time

# Whoa whoa whoa

# Hold the line

# Love isn't always on time

# Love isn't always on time

# Hold the line

# Love isn't always on time

# Love isn't always Love isn't always on time

# Hold the line... #

Jill!

I know.

Oh, my God! What are you doing here?

- I'm just...keeping young. - What about you?

Oh, just...chilling.

Oh, it's so great to see you, Don.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Ohh!

Oh!

Oh! Your hair looks nice, Don.

Have you dyed it?

It's sun-kissed.

- The sun made it curly as well. - I'd better be...

A perm is nothing to be ashamed of, Don.

Look at Brian May. Year after year after year! Jill, sorry,

- I really need to go. - Me too, Don, a bit bubbly. Yeah.

You know I drowned myself, don't you?

Really? But I survived.

Why don't you sit down, Don?

I can't. Is it your thong?

No.

Just to say, Don,

- I'm really sorry we couldn't work things out before, but now we're both free... - Jill...

- I really can't see you. Oh, my God! - Have you gone blind?

No...

Hey, dude!

Er, hi!

Cool.

GROANING AND BANGING

Kitchen.

Herbal teas and whatnot.

We're all 120% vegan, people just bring their own stuff and label it.

- OK. If I can bring my own labels. - Sure.

Have you got any hotdogs, Jacques?

No, um...

I reckon Bluebell has some tofu nibblets. I'm sure you could...

- I'm not being funny, Jacques, but I think Bluebeard tried to touch me up in the rub-a-dub. - OK.

- I acknowledge your response, but it's not her vibe. - If she tries it on again, I'll knock her block off.

I hope that's your clown talking, Flo.

Hi, guys. Here's today's communal rota. Linda, you're on toilets.

Thank you, Bluebeard. I do do quite a lot of poo-poos in the morning.

Yeah. You're CLEANING toilets.

I will clean up after.

And, um...Flo, here's your client list for today.

Thank you. Neil, he has spinal...

Bifida? ..stiffness.

So, er...he just needs a remedial massage.

- Linda will do that one, then. - Thank you.

Karen Pole, she has deep esteem issues.

Oh, God!

Um, well, yeah... It's all there, you can read it. Hm, Linda can't.

I am reading that book of letters, Jill.

Yeah, that's the alphabet, Linda.

There we go then.

Lovely!

So...

My name's Floella Umbagabe.

I'll be your therapist for the day.

OK?

And you are...

Karen Pole. Yes.

So... Excuse me.

What brings you here today, Karen?

Well, I'm quite depressed.

- Um, sort of down on myself. - You don't like yourself.

No. No. Do you know anyone else that likes you, Karen?

Um...well, I don't feel like they do.

No, they probably don't then.

Oh.

I have been married.

Well done!

But my husband left me.

Oh, dear.

Mm.

Starting to feel depressed myself now, Karen.

I just feel like I'm...

An old pointless lump.

I know.

I mean, I...

I don't really see a future.

No. I stay in bed most days.

People say, you know, "Try and get up, open the curtains..."

I'd close them, Karen, and close them tight. Right.

OK?

Say there's a happy young boy cycling by your window,

he looks in and sees your bitter, withered, old face.

He'll fall off his bicycle and kill himself, and you've got murder on your hands then, Karen!

Right.

So is there any help available?

It's tricky, Karen. Mm.

It is tricky. Hm.

It's very tricky, Karen.

It's quite tricky. Hm.

Hey!

Hey.

Early bird again. Yes.

That ribbon's a lot of fun.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, lovely!

Jill!

Hello, Cath! Flo.

Jacques...this is Jill.

That's Jill.

It's...Jill.

CATH LAUGHS Yeah.

Floella, it's our new therapist.

She's a hairdresser.

Wow!

Many strings.

Floella's my religious name, Cathy.

You've never told me that.

I didn't want to burden you, Cathy, at your time of life.

What are you doing here?

I work here, Cathy, actually.

You...

Jill, is it your caravan parked...

out-outside on our drive?

It's all I can afford, Cathy.

I'm living like a diddicoy.

I heard, um...

banging coming from inside.

The pipes.

And shouting.

Pipes.

Anyway...

I'd love to stay and natter, Cathy, but there's healing to be done.

Morning, Mr Tom.

Morning.

Floella's not here, sorry, but she is block.

I am Linda. What is wrong with you?

Well, I-I-I...fractured my pelvis a while ago

and I usually wear a strap to support it.

Jill made me do that once... for a film.

I haven't worn the strap for a while, so I'm a bit stiff.

Right.

I gotta do the questions.

Do you have any body hair?

Yes.

Is it more in certain places than others?

Er...well,

the chest and I suppose the, um...

pubic.

Pubes, is it? I got loads.

Right...

I won't wear the strap, but I will do you the roll-on, roll-off massage.

Right.

HE PLAYS A FANFARE

It's you.

Oh! Oh!

THEY LAUGH

You'll have me over. Sorry, Glen, I didn't know you were there.

I'll nip inside for my sheet music.

Is there something I should know?

Oh. We've got some booze, get us in the mood. Oh, right.

Glen, have you ever heard of sexual role playing? What's that?

I pretend to be someone and you pretend to be someone and then...

So I can be Dr Schweitzer and you can be a lady with leprosy?

Well, like strict teacher and naughty schoolgirl.

Would I have to wear a tassel skirt?

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, sorry!

Ooh!

Is that better, Mr Tom?

- There you go. - You can be a geography teacher.

I don't know what to do, Jill. You're a teacher. You've got to be strict!

Strict. Right. Um...

Right...

Morning, everybody.

Morning, Mr Bulb!

Ox bow lakes. What do we know about ox bow lakes?

Glen, it's just me. I'm in detention cos I've been really naughty.

Sorry. OK?

OK, Jill. You naughty girl.

What do you know about ox bow lakes?

I don't know anything about ox bow lakes, Mr Bulb,

because I've been really naughty and I need to be punished.

Ox bow lakes are the residue of rivers which used to flow around rocky outcrops...

I hope you're not going to put your big stick in my mouth, Mr Bulb.

Of course not, Jill, it's awfully dirty.

Oh! Jill! What did you do that for?

Oh, sorry, Glen.

- Oh, Jill, you almost had my eye out. - Has it gone, Glen?

I think I may have lost it. My retina's detached or something.

Oh, Glen! It's all done with light nowadays, not knives.

In that case, Jill, I certainly will punish you!

Oh, Mr Bulb!

Oh!

SINUOUS SAXOPHONE MELODY PLAYS

Gee willykins!

Oh!

RADIO PLAYS

Self-assertion,

setting boundaries.

It's about saying, "Hang on, mister. I'm not a doormat.

"Don't wipe your feet on me.

"Don't bring your dog muck in here and smear it all over my face."

Say it.

Oh! Er...sorry.

Em... Don't...bring your dog muck in...and smear it all over my face.

Good girl!

Good girl!

# But I'm dancing in the moonlight

# It's got me in its spotlight

# Dancing in the moonlight

# On this long, hot summer night... #

God!

Hi, Natalie! How's you?

I'm fine.

Sorry to creep up on you like that

but I spotted you and I thought your leggies were burning.

So...yeah...

Don't I recognise you? Didn't you come into the cafe I work at?

What, Mumbles?

Complaining about a blueberry muffin? Yeah.

No. That'll be my doppelganger.

You go out with Don Cole, don't you?

Yeah.

We just really connect. Really? Yes.

How many times has he connected?

I don't know.

He says he loves me though.

Really? And you believe him?

Yeah. I think so.

I think he means it. Nice.

He's always buying me things as well. He bought me these last week.

Nail extensions. Yeah.

- They look quite cheap. Do you think? - Yeah.

They're nice.

I quite like them. Yeah.

You don't find him too old?

No. I mean, people have said things but... Yeah.

It feels right.

Like he's a paedophile or something.

Well, just don't concentrate on the wrinkles and just focus on the person.

Yeah.

Oh, my God!

What? Your face.

Natalie...

I work for a top London model agency called Lookers.

I run it. I actually used to be a supermodel.

And looking at your face,

I could take you to the top.

Really? Yeah.

You think I could be a model?

I know it in my soul, Natalie.

I'm not the only one - Don said something to me about it.

Did he? Yeah.

Now, I'm also a top trained photographer.

Why don't we do some shots for your folio-

some outdoor, artsy shots.

Maybe I just don't have a clown.

No, that was great, Cath.

Yeah.

Do you want some 'nana, Mr Tom?

Hiya, Cathy.

How's you? Yeah. Good.

You come as Little Bo Peep.

He fancies you, Cathy.

He doesn't.

He keeps staring. He does not!

His eyes are coming out on sticks!

Really? He can barely keep his thing in his trousers.

Honestly, Jill!

I saw it poking. Oh, please!

I don't think he's wearing pants.

Thank you. That's quite enough.

# I feel pretty

# Oh, so pretty

# I feel pretty and witty and gay! #

You're OK with Don's affair.

Um...

Don's head is in a very strange place at the moment.

I bet.

So it's not really an affair.

It's just we're both free to see other people

while we work stuff out.

Oh, my God!

You seen that couple? Yeah.

There's a surprise.

Jacques says we all have the capability to flop on the other side of the swing.

- I ain't natural though, is it? - No, it's not.

- Would you flop on the other side? - No. But, you know...

horses for courses.

Especially her age, though, Cath.

I just hope she cleans her teeth before she comes down the centre.

You know what they do at night. Yes.

Hi! Hiya!

Oh!

Hi, Don!

I didn't see you there.

God! It's like bees round shit. All these young boys flapping round my honeypot.

The thing is, Don, what have these young girls got to offer, really?

I mean, I've had my hymen reinstated

but a couple of decades of experience...

Yeah, well...

Oh, my God! What do you think of that, Don?

What do you think of that?

It's great.

Yeah, that's my lingam in a state of awakening.

Oh, crikey!

That's...very wide awake, isn't it?

So is your partner here tonight?

No.

No. Actually, I don't really have a regular partner.

Really? Gosh! I'd...

just assumed.

Well, I'm sure you're going to make an absolutely super husband and father one day.

I'm potent,

and if I stay with somebody for too long that gets diluted.

So...I tend to split.

Oh, dear.

But, hey,

we should dance.

Yeah, I'd love that. Yeah. OK.

Later on.

Sorry to have...

"Sweet Home Alabama" by Lynyrd Skynyrd

Jacques,

I'm not a doormat.

Please don't smear your dog muck all over my face.

Sorry?

I was a tiny bit hurt and....um...really quite cross...

earlier.

Sorry.

When we were talking and you broke off mid conversation

and went to talk to those other ladies.

And...you know...

OK.

I'm feeling a little bit of anger about that.

I'm sorry.

Um... I'm feeling angry right now.

Jacques, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm...

I'm going to have to take time out

and just sort of release this...er...

- Jacques, I'm really sorry. - I didn't mean to.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna just go howl.

I didn't want to spoil...

PLEASE!

Jacques, baby, come on!

Whoooooo!

# Though my love is rare

# Though my love is true

# I'm like a bird... #

I've got your folio back, Nat.

Let's have a little peep.

I hope you like them.

Oh, my God!

You look a bit shocked, Natalie.

God! I had no idea!

Is that really my nose?

Well, yeah - unless you're wearing a false one.

Has Don said anything?

He does feel that your nose is something of an obstacle-

- not just to him but to your career. - I mean, you could have a picnic off there.

Natalie, I know surgery's a big step.

- You think I need surgery? - If you want to be a model, darling,

or any kind of relationship with Don.

GIGGLING AND LAUGHTER >

Jacques, baby.

Seen Natalie?

Is she Cath?

How you feeling, Natalie? OK.

A bit nervous?

OK. Well, the anaesthetic should start working relatively soon.

Just consult my...

I should get the hang of this as we go along.

OK.

Here we go then.

Take a deep breath, please.

NATALIE SHRIEKS

This is a tough one, Nat.

NATALIE SCREAMS

Oh!

# ..By the tone of my voice, baby

# But you didn't listen

# You played dead, but you never bled

# Instead you lay still in the grass

# All coiled up and hissin'

# And though I know all about those men

# Still I don't remember

# Cos it was us, baby Way before them

# And we're still together

# And I meant every word I said... #

Don!

Don!

DON!!

DON!

DON!!!

DON!!

# ..It's the only thing I wanna do

# I don't want to sleep

# I just want to keep on loving you... #

It's for you, Don.

Do you like my dancing? Not really.