Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature.

# Just a small-town girl

# Living in a lonely world

# She took the midnight train

# Going anywhere. #

Glen! Jill!

Hello! I can't believe it's you!

I know.

- You've come all this way to see me? - Yes.

We can square up for petrol later, Glen, OK? Otherwise it gets nasty.

Yeah.

So, how are you?

Er, oh, I'm not so good, Jill, to be honest.

They had to remove most of my guts

cos of the poison and...I can only really manage a Nice biscuit now.

- My memory's almost completely gone. - Oh, really?

Can't remember anything? Hardly anything. Oh-h!

- '- Cept that I know I love you, Jill. - And I love you, Glen!

Mwah!

- I've brought you some presents. Oh. - Oh, what's that?

- Choccies. Oh, lovely. - Choccy-chocs, yeah.

Choccy-chocs, yeah.

Ooh, now, that...

I know this is a nice one.

It looks lovely. Mmm!

Oh...that's gorgeous. Mmm!

- That's really nice that, Glen. - It tastes delicious.

- It's really nice. Mmm. Oh... - Ooh!

Hair looks big, Glen. Was that the electric chock treatment?

Oh, no, no... That was a free perm.

It's start of the self-respect grooming programme they have here.

Unfortunately they did it when I was still in a coma so...

So...you made any friends?

Er, not really, no. Aw!

- Got to make a bit of effort, Glen. - I know.

What about that sort of hot-eyed chap keeps staring at you over there?

That's Sandy.

Tried to sodomise me in the showers, Jill.

Well, how was that?

Oh, it wasn't very pleasant.

I bent down to retrieve my Wash & Go and he...

came and went.

I just wanna start again.

I just wanna get away from all the name-calling...

all the cruelty.

Are people being very unkind?

It's worse for me than for you, being locked up in here.

Yes.

I just wanna move down here, Glen, so that I can be close to you.

Be by the sea. Eat fish.

And, you know, just look back over my terrible life.

Well...

how can you love muggins here when they say that I've killed people?

To be honest with you, Glen, it's given you a little bit of an edge.

Ooh!

Is there a chance of intercourse?

We'd have to be married, Glen.

I love you. I love you.

I'm so happy!

So am I!

Somebody's got to pop the question, Glen.

Who's that, then?

Well, you.

Oh, right.

Get down on one knee.

Will you, Jill, give me the very great honour

of making me the happiest Scotsman on the block in consenting to be Mrs Glen Bulb?

I will!

You may kiss the groom!

Do you mind if I don't, Glen?

- Maybe you could just press your titties against the glass? - It's been a long time, Jill.

I'd love to, Glen, but I want it to be really special.

I wanted to look at your downstairs region.

- Maybe I could put my cardi around myself like a wee tent and... - press my tinkle to the gap?

Sounds lovely!

UNZIPPING

Kiss me, Jill.

Oh...

'Next question. What is the name of David Beckham's wife?

'Is it A - Queen Victoria?

'Is it B - Victoria Beckham?

'Or C - Victoria Station?'

Victoria Station.

'Victoria Beckham. Victoria Beckham it is. Well done, Wendy. That's the right answer.

'And another question coming up.

'What is the capital of France?'

France.

'Is it A - Paris,

'B - Brussels, or C - Brittany?'

HE GROANS

'Paris. Paris is the right answer.' Thank you very much.

Geoff, we're very keen to marry.

- Glen and myself. - Um, we were actually meant to be getting married the night that, um...

Gordon the vicar come round. Yeah.

That's who Glen vegetable-ised.

He'd come round to announce the banns that night. Oh, I see. Yeah.

I was pushing for Showaddywaddy.

Yes. I know they still tour.

Oh? Yeah. I wanted to ask you about that now. What do you think...

motivated Glen, um, to go back to the house and also strangle Terry

after he'd poisoned Gordon?

Jealousy. Jealousy?

I mean, I don't know if you've noticed, Geoff,

but I do tend to...elucidate quite a sexual response from men.

No, I hadn't noticed that.

I rarely wear pants, Geoff.

Is that due to an infection?

- Just gives me a sense of freedom. - Good.

I've got to say, you and Glen, you're - oof! - an odd couple.

- Thank you! - Not exactly two peas in a pod.

No, but sometimes you will get a pea and a carrot. Not in the same pod.

No, but next to each other in the vegetable patch.

Not that Glen's a vegetable.

Well, remains to be seen.

Love you! Love YOU!

Mwah!

I'm, er, sure that... Glen.

Glen.

Glen.

A-hem.

No, Glen. Glen.

Beg pardon.

Now, I-I'm sure you...you want to marry Glen because, of course, you love him. I do.

I mean, that's why I'm moving down here. Really, Jill?

Yeah. Oh, great! Well, now, I don't think there's any hurry to marry...

I think there is, Dr Pinder. I'd like to formalise things ASAP.

Say we weren't married, and Glen were to tragically die in a sudden circumstance.

That would leave me in the position of a poverty-riddled Scottish widow in a big black hood.

What makes you think that Glen's going to die?

Well, I mean, with these syndromes, Geoff, they...

they rarely live beyond their 30s, do they?

Physically, I'm much better.

Um, my legs have come back.

That's great. Yeah.

So, er...really, really enjoying my legs...

..and, er, I think...

I think we're both very excited at making a new start

after our time at the Hobden Community.

OK.

So, er...where are we at...

sexually?

I...still prefer... cuddles and strokes. Mmm.

But not full pen... Not. No. No.

I don't know. Could... Could Don start with a little bit? Just...

pop in the tip?

He COULD, er...

I'd rather he didn't.

How about a...finger? Could you accommodate...?

We did try that. Er...

Don hadn't cut his nails.

I was learning the guitar.

# Oh, Jesus, look down on me

# Oh, drink me like a cup of tea

# Oh, Jesus, don't turn on me

# Please wrap me in your blankie. #

Before we witness the marriage today between Glen Jacoby Bulb

and Jill Tina Tirelle... Tyrell.

Tyrell. Tyrell. Glen would like to say a few words about his faith.

About my faith.

Just something simple, Glen, about...

confessing your sins, casting out the blackness. The blackies?

The blackness. Oh.

May I?

Hello.

Um, my name's Glen Bulb.

and I'm a sinner.

Confess, Glen. Yeah, I will.

- I've done some terrible things. - Say what you did, Glen.

I killed the vicar and a man I didn't even know.

This man killed Gordon Fox, the vicar,

and Terry Tyrell, my husband.

- Jill's former husband. - I killed them. Sorry.

Killed them! Killed them. Killer!

But... He's a killer!

I'm here to...

Killer! I'm here to atone for my sins, everyone.

And since I came to Bethel Lodge, a miracle has happened because...

the Lord God came into my room,

popped in to see me when I was with Chaplain Chip one night

and I felt a kind of wetness come over me,

which I took to be our Lord Jesus.

- I want to tell you... - to witness the fact that...

Jesus is my saviour.

I can feel his grace.

And this is him now, nibbling at my feet.

I love him. He's my best friend.

Or my second-best friend.

There's a lady in red over there by the name of Jill Tina Tyrell.

Love Glen.

Love Jesus!

Love Jesus, love Glen.

ORGAN PLAYS

With this ring I thee wed.

I thee wed.

With my body, I thee worship.

- With my body, I thee worship. - Oh, Glen.

And all my worldly goods I thee endow

till death us do part.

You may...kiss the bride.

Um...

SLOW ELECTRO BEAT PLAYS

# You're Jill Tyrell My naughty little squirrel

# You remind me a bit of my Uncle Cyril

# I think you're pretty And I want your titties

# My heart goes boom And you make me dribble. #

OK, Jean, let's get this party started.

Lost a bit of weight, haven't you, Linda? Sorry, Jill.

You know why that is, don't you? Anorexia? No. Cos you slept with Terry.

Oh, yeah. They do say it's good exercise, don't they?

- No, the cancer, Linda. - You've obviously caught it.

Thank you.

I'm sorry about what happened, Jill.

With Terry.

We just fell in love.

He treated me special.

- Like I was someone special. - No, you're not, Linda. OK?

- He told me I was special. - Yeah. With due respect, Linda,

Terry would think a window was special. OK?

- A very low IQ, about 50. - It puts him on a par with a donkey.

What's mine, Jill? A sausage dog.

You know Terry hated sex, Linda.

He said he loved it with me.

He said he loved my body, loved kissing me and stroking my hair.

Both ends.

One day, he tied my 'gina hair in a bow

and let me love him down below.

You loved him down below?

Only his front bottom.

With your face?

He put his front bottom in my mouth.

And I put my front bottom in his mouth.

- He wasn't very big below. - I don't know, really.

Well, I've had a lot of experience, Linda.

With all due respect, you lost your cherry to a dog.

It was lovely.

Mary's been passed on several years back now.

Although I've had a couple of flings,

I still feel really shaky around the ladies.

This'll be your Parkinson's, Roy.

I don't have Parkinson's.

This is your Alzheimer's talking, Roy.

D'you know, sometimes, Sue...

..given everything I've been through,

..I feel like just moving away and starting again.

Well...

that's how I feel since Gordon...

He was my whole life.

How many of those have you had, Sue?

Two.

You're eating up your feelings, Sue.

Look for Jill.

Oh!

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Oh, that is nice, Sue.

It's a real comfort.

Thank you.

I really miss Gordon.

Still, what about you?

It's just a miracle that you didn't marry that monster.

Gordon? Glen.

Did you realise he was a killer?

Love's never perfect, Sue.

No.

I'll be honest, though, Sue.

There were days when I had a whiff I was living with the Yorkshire Ripper.

Really? Mm-hm.

- Not to say there weren't some... - lovely times as well.

I'm sure Mrs Sutcliffe had some super days out with Peter when he was having a break from raping.

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Oh, bless him!

How does he wipe himself, Sue?

Well...I have a home help.

Is he having a sauna, Susan?

Um, no. D'you want a bit of pasty, Susan? No, thanks.

Gordon? Don't force him.

Jill's not trying to get Cath and Don's address, Susan. Sorry?

It's the coma, Sue.

I want to know when she came over.

God, you look old, Sue.

If you weren't talking, I might try and bury you!

I know it was weepy widows' night tonight, Sue, OK?

But Linda and myself have brought our beauty kits, and I thought we could do you a bit of a spruce up.

Tell me what you fancy, please, from the beauty menu.

- Jill, I don't think so. - Anti-ageing, thank you.

OK, Sue, I can't do you a full lift tonight, OK?

But I could give you a Botox clean-up. I don't think...

Excuse me. Judy, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you facially.

I'm so sorry.

But Linda can do you a bit of a tidy-up down below.

- We've a range of styles available. - What did you fancy down there, Judy?

Nothing. Really?

How about the Hollywood? Gentlemen do seem to like the bald bun.

I don't look down there. No, but somebody might, a nosy mugger.

OK. I'll have a little peep, see what we're doing.

Let's get your pants down, Judy.

Oh, there we go.

Dear me.

It looks like you've been growing this one for years.

It's very matted, Judy.

Are you joining the Rastafarians?

I don't know.

We can try for the Dairylea, OK?

But as is, we are looking at quite a hefty boomerang.

Linda.

- Linda's wearing goggles. - You need to wear goggles

- because that laser's very dangerous. - If it were to slip,

she could blind you.

Under you go.

WHIRRING

Gotta be very careful...

Sue...

..how much I inject of this...

..cos it is poison.

GRUNTING >

Oh! Sorry, Sue.

Sue, do you know what?

I wish I knew Cath and Don's address.

Um, I don't think Cath's too keen to give addresses out. Mmm.

DRILLING

Just sit and wait for me, so you can let your Botox take its grip. OK.

She've only got a little patch there now, Jill, like a stamp.

Excuse me one tick-tock - little bit of a...

Jill!

I'm just on the toilet, Sue.

BEEPING

Jill?

- I don't feel well. - You look fine, Sue. Do I?

That's got Catherine's address on it, Jill.

Oh, yeah.

All right for some - Cornwall!

Must go to the loo - little bit bubbly.

I still feel...

a bit cross

with Jill

when I think back to what happened

between her and Don

in the bedroom. Kitchen.

OK.

I'm feeling some anger...

Sorry. ..from you

and whilst I respect that enragement...

..let's not forget

Cath's part in Jill's tango.

Okey-dokey!

OK. Now, let's...

walk away from Cath's hurt...

..and open up to Jill's wound.

Jill's gonna stay the night. She've got nowhere to go.

Right, if you're gonna stay the night, Jill, there's a couple of rules what you got to abide by.

Ground rules. Number ONE! Got to keep the door closed, the windows closed, the skylight closed.

- A bullet could come whizzing through. - Number two, if you use the microwave,

make sure you use microwave-safe containers.

- We haven't got a microwave. - Ouf, ouf! Bang!

- I'm straight in there. - You've left yourself wide open, face and chest wide open.

- Bang! - I could just grab your growler, twist it and slam onto your snatch.

You won't be having a belly full of bones for no-one. Try and get through that. You can't, can you?

- Taught myself - sweep on, sweep off. - I'm like Miyagi, me.

And relax!

Right, we can do this two ways, Jill-

one on one...

or armed combat.

If you're going to use armed combat, just bear in mind I've got this little baby up here-

a tranquilliser gun-

and I ain't afraid to use it.

You wanna drink, Jill?

Something to take the edge off?

What have you got?

Milk.

So you're staying tonight then, is it?

Yeah.

Cos me and Linda, we're a package, all right?

- We're getting married. - We save money.

We're a unit. I'm taken, I'm afraid.

Just your eyes.

What about them? It's like you're suggesting something.

You after a little floor show, are you, Dennis?

Something with me and Linda, cos that would be quite pricey,

but I know you've got a little stash.

I'd need to see the cash up front, Dennis. I'd like to see you!

You and Linda doing something dirty, really dirty, like kissing or something.

Or maybe you could bring her nipples up. Or two. She's got big nipples.

I don't know if you've seen them, but they're big.

You could coax them, make them really long.

I think it's about time you had a little play with Stewart, Jill.

If you don't mind, I'd like to film it.

He likes you, Jill.

He's all man, in't he?

He's all horse.

If he was a man, though, he'd be my kind of man, Dennis.

Brown.

Stay back! Do you know how to stroke a horse, Jill?

Firm.

That's it!

Long strokes!

Ouf! Left yourself wide open there, didn't you, Jill?

- Bang! I could've got in there! - In there!

All right, how about you have a little stroke of him and I film you.

Give him a little stroke. Just a little gentle one on his mane.

Oh, that's nice!

The horse is liking that.

Whisper sweet nothings in his ear.

SHE WHISPERS

What'd you say? Nothing.

- Say something dirty. - Something spicy, Jill.

SHE WHISPERS What'd you say?

Hi, Stewart, how's you?

- Ooh, yeah! Come round here. - Part his fringe. Ever so slightly.

- Come here, and just part it gently. - Gently, gently.

That's it.

- Bounce his ears. Bounce his ears. - Gently. Very gently.

That's it, Jill. That's it.

Go in there and tell him off. Give him a telling off. Call him naughty.

Naughty. That's it. Stewart!

Tell him he's good. Say something nice. You look pretty, Stewart.

How about you...? How about you give him a...sugar cube?

Ah!

# When I'm tired and thinking cold

# I hide in my music, forget the day

# And dream of a girl I used to know

# I closed my eyes and she slipped away

# She slipped away

# Ah-hhh-hhh

# It's more than a feeling More than a feeling... #

Hello, Cath! Hello, Sandy!

Ah!

Ooh!