Original subtitles

[upbeat traditional pop music]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy, she had no cash ♪

♪ Pretending to be classy but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is a bitter aging actress ♪

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass drinkin' cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ Till she took a bogus class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would've guess that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore Sherry ♪

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist ♪

[door slams]

[bright traditional pop music]

Good morning!

Morning.

Hey, I said, "Good morning,"

and you clearly only said, "Morning."

Now, what's wrong?

I had a bad dream.

- Oh, you had a nightmare. - Huh?

- A nightmare is the scientific term for a bad dream.

Oh, yes, it was horrible.

- Well, the first step of healing is get it out!

No. No, no, no, I can't.

I don't even wanna talk about it.

- Sherry, nightmares are very common.

Everyone has them. And guess what?

A lot of people have the same nightmares.

Oh my god, please tell me you didn't have the one

where you were in a terrible car accident-

[tires screeching]

Where you go flying through the windshield-

[glass clinking] And you land

on the street- [body thuds]

In a crumpled heap right next to the detached

rear-view mirror- [siren wailing]

Which is inexplicably right next to your face,

and you look into it.

[dramatic orchestral music] And you scream,

"My face, my beautiful face!"

[victim screaming]

No.

I had a dream that Mr. Rogers

and Betty White were my parents!

- Well, Sherry, that sounds like a wonderful dream.

No, they were total assholes!

What?

They're horrible.

Mommy, Betty White,

she's a drunk, and she calls me stupid cunt.

And Daddy, Mr. Rogers, burned me with cigarettes!

- Sherry, you can never tell anyone this dream.

- [stutters] What happened to let it out?

- That was before I realized how twisted and ugly it was!

Now, what did I tell you

that time I accidentally backed over that basket of kittens?

- Never underestimate the power of denial.

Exactly.

What bad dream?

What flattened kittens?

Never happened, right?

- [Sherry] Mm-hm. [Dr. Jackie laughs]

All right, you let me know

when my first appointment gets here.

Okay.

[Sherry chuckling] [door thuds]

She crazy. [keyboard clacking]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh [typewriter clacking]

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh [typewriter dings]

Hello, uh, Rose Abdoo.

How are you today?

Very well, thank you.

- Abdoo, what kind of name is that?

Oh, it's actually Lebanese.

Oh.

Abdoo, you know what that sounds like?

That sounds like one of those pieces of exercise equipment

that targets your stomach muscles,

that you might see on a late-night infomercial.

[Dr. Jackie chuckling]

"Order your Abdoo now, and get washboard abs

with only three minutes a day." [chuckles]

They're always British or Australian.

I guess Americans think, you know,

then, it's a, the product works.

This is a therapy session, not "Shark Tank," right?

Now, I notice you did not list your age on the intake sheet.

- Well, my age has nothing to do with my problem.

- Okay. Sometimes it helps to know though.

Okay, well, why don't you tell me what's going on?

- Well, I'm an actress and-

- Oh, really? Have you been in anything I might've heard of?

[sighs] "The Gilmore Girls,"

"That's So Raven," "The Comeback."

No.

- Um, "Grey's Anatomy," "Scandal," "Veep."

No, no, no.

"Hacks."

Yes! Oh my god, "Hacks!"

I love "Hacks." "Hacks?"

"Hacks." "Hacks."

- "Hacks?" - [Rose] Mm-hm.

Oh my god, "Hacks!"

I love that show.

Tell me, what's it like to work with Jean Smart?

- Well-

No, you can tell me.

Anything you tell me here, in the sanctity of this office,

I can't repeat to anyone.

- Well, actually, [laughs] she's amazing.

She's so talented and professional.

Okay, I get it.

She probably made you sign one of them DNRs, huh?

You mean an NDA?

TMI, WTF, LOL.

Listen, I get it. You're scared, and it makes sense.

I mean, an actress your age has to be walking on eggshells

because they keep hiring these fetuses with false eyelashes,

you know, here in youth-obsessed Hollywood,

for all the juicy parts these days.

- No, I, I get work. That's not my problem.

- Well, then what is your problem?

Do you have an eating disorder?

No.

I was abducted by aliens.

[spacey synth music]

What color lipstick is that?

- Dr. Jackie, did you hear what I said?

I said I was abducted by aliens.

[eerie electronic music]

[stutters] Yes. I, I heard.

I, that's, that's what I was, that,

that's what I was afraid that's what you said. [laughing]

[stuttering] Aliens. [exhales]

Kiss Me, You Fool.

What?

- The name of the lipstick, it's Kiss Me, You Fool.

Okay, full disclosure,

I've been intermittent fasting, and I have a feeling

I'm having a very low-blood-sugar moment right now.

If you will excuse me for just one moment.

Uh, Shirley? [phone beeps]

Could you please bring me a cup of hot tea?

[Sherry] It's Sherry.

And which tea do you want,

Fear Fighter or, uh, Anxiety Annihilator?

- Uh, do you have anything called

The Woman in My Office Just Told Me

She's Been Abducted by Aliens? [chuckles]

- [Sherry] Um... - I'm kidding.

[Sherry] No.

Surprise me.

Where were we?

- I just told you I had been abducted by aliens.

[spacey synth music]

[exhales] Right.

- It's actually been happening for years.

- Yes. [footsteps clomping]

Mm.

Here you go!

Thank you, Shirley.

It's Sherry.

Um, Sher, Sherry.

- [Sherry] Mm-hm?

- This is Rose. Rose here is on that TV program, "Hacks."

Ooh, that cooking show?

No, that's "Chopped."

[Sherry] Oh.

- Rose here works with Jean Smart, who stars in the show.

And Rose says that Jean Smart is amazing to work with.

- Oh, I thought you legally weren't

gonna say anything like that. [chuckles]

- Oh, no, it's okay if it's something good, you know?

I can't say anything negative, but if it's, you know...

It's like, it's like racism.

What?

No, it's like,

if I say that Filipinos are warm and nurturing

and, you know, so they make the best nurses,

that's not racist because I'm saying something positive.

Oh my god, can I please go?

Thank you...

Sherry.

[Dr. Jackie slurping]

[footsteps clomping]

Dr. Jackie?

Dr. Jackie?

[Dr. Jackie slurps]

[sighs] I just told you I was abducted by aliens.

[spacey synth music] We can't pretend

that it didn't happen.

I think you're in denial.

You know what? You're right...

Rose.

It's just that I have never had to deal

with a problem like this, to be perfectly honest with you.

When I went online and earned that degree, you know,

there was no class on how to deal with someone who has been,

who has been...

- Abducted by aliens? [spacey synth music]

Yes. That.

Well, as Maria says in "The Sound of Music,"

"Let's start at the very beginning.

That's a very good place to start."

[Dr. Jackie laughing]

Okay.

Well, uh, the first time it happened, I was 18 years old.

It was a long time ago,

but, ah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

How long ago was that?

Nice try, bitch.

And I was in college, I was in a production,

and I was just so nervous.

I was a nervous wreck that I wouldn't remember my lines.

And I remember I had to do this very thick Southern accent.

"A Streetcar Named Desire?"

"The Glass Menagerie."

- You know, my receptionist Shirley has a friend, Amber,

who was in a porno movie called "The Ass Menagerie."

[Dr. Jackie chuckles]

Please, go on.

- So I remember, the night before opening night,

I was lying in my bed, just such a nervous wreck.

I couldn't sleep.

[eerie electronic music] And suddenly,

the room was bathed in a blinding white light.

- Oh. You know, roommates can be so insensitive.

You need to get yourself one of those sleep mask things.

It was the aliens!

[percussion booming]

Oh.

- There were three of them. [eerie electronic music]

And they were gray, and, and they had long fingers

and these round, shiny black eyes,

straight out of central casting.

[popcorn crunching]

Oh my god, what happened next?

I don't know.

I woke up, and it was five hours later.

Did your butt hurt?

What?

I'm sorry. Please, go on.

- Oh, Dr. Jackie, I, I don't know how to say this.

It was, it was...

- It was the worst thing that ever happened

to you in your life.

It was a traumatizing experience that left you scarred

and unable to differentiate

between reality and hallucination.

- No, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Say what?

Well, I, I woke up,

and [stutters] not only did I know my lines

backwards and forwards-

- Why would she need to know them backwards?

I could do a Southern accent

that would rival Sally Fields.

And I just, I knew everything.

I mean, I knew my lines.

I was fully prepared.

And ever since then,

no matter what show or shoot that I'm doing,

the night before, same thing.

I'm in a room, it's bathed with a blinding white light,

and I wake up five hours later fully prepared.

I haven't cracked open a script in [chuckles] many years.

How many years?

- You know you could just go online

and look up my age, right?

[nails tapping]

Girl, you look good!

Thank you.

But I'm confused.

- I, I mean, I have an olive complexion,

and I do try and follow a Mediterranean diet.

No, no, no, what I mean is,

if this whole alien abduction thing has been 100% positive,

then what's the problem?

- Well, the problem is, the very last time that it happened,

the alien leader, his name is Reggie,

he said that they were almost done with me.

His name is Reggie?

- Mm-hm, and apparently,

they've come to the end of their experiments

because they have enough information to understand

that human beings only use a part of their brain

to learn and, and retain information.

- Well, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.

Which do you wanna hear first?

The bad news.

- Okay, the bad news is that an actress your age,

opportunities for you are gonna start dryin' up, honey.

That's just the way the world works.

I don't make the rules. Don't kill the messenger.

So it really doesn't matter how talented you are

or how well you learn your lines

or whether you can learn that dead-on accent

of the woman who was born in Scotland

but was raised in Alabama and currently lives in Zimbabwe.

It's gonna be a moot point.

What's the good news?

Well, the good news is,

on the off chance that you do continue getting work,

and don't count on it,

you've already proven that you can learn lines

and learn those accents because your brain is amazing.

I mean, if you don't walk away from this knowing that much,

you are crazy.

And that's something I'm not really supposed

to say to people.

- Oh my god, Dr. Jackie, you're right!

I mean, did the aliens help me?

Yes, but you're right!

It was my brain that retained the information.

- Exactly, just like that seminar online

may not have taught me exactly how to deal

with a situation or a patient like you,

but my brain helped me put the pieces together and help you.

Right, and you really did.

Yeah, I did.

Thank you so much, Dr. Jackie.

Don't mention it.

[Rose] Oh, thank you.

[Dr. Jackie laughs and sighs]

- Now, seriously, did your butt hurt?

[Rose] A little.

I knew it. Her butt hurt.

Her butt hurt.

♪ Ooh, ooh [door slams]

♪ Ooh-ooh [phone ringing]

[phone chimes]

Dr. Jackie here.

- Oh, thank God you answered, Dr. Jackie.

It's me, Jane Lynch.

Oh, hey, Jane. What's up?

I have to talk quick.

I'm at the premiere of a Broadway show.

- What's going on? You sound frantic.

- A dear friend of mine got me a front-row ticket

to the premiere of their brand-new musical on Broadway,

and stupid me here

made the mistake of eating a huge plate

of steamed broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage

less than 45 minutes ago.

- That sounds delicious and nutritious,

so what's the problem?

- My only choices now are to leave

and have my friends see my empty seat front row and center,

or run the risk of becoming an honorary member

of the horn section, if you know what I mean.

Jane, honey, look around.

Are there any celebrities

that look like the type that might shamelessly crop dust?

- I'm sitting between Johnny Knoxville

and Kristin Chenoweth.

- Well, then it seems rather obvious

who you should blame it on.

Oh, God, it's happening.

[strains] Dear Liza on a cross-stich pillow,

I can't hold it any longer.

[Jane tooting]

[Jane grunts]

[audience chattering]

Kristin Chenoweth, shame on you.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

Show's about to start. [audience clapping]

Check your pants.

[phone beeping]

[Dr. Jackie toots]

[Dr. Jackie exhales]

[bright traditional pop music]

♪ Ah

[Dr. Jackie belches]

- Welcome back from lunch, Dr. Jackie.

I spent my lunch walking through the park.

Oh, what a glorious day.

- Well, it sounds like somebody forgot

all about that nightmare. [chuckles]

Huh?

- I'm sorry, sometimes I get a little carried away

with the psychological jargon.

That bad dream you had.

What bad dream?

Exactly.

No, seriously.

What bad dream?

- Oh boy, you know what this reminds me of?

It reminds me of when I first adopted Captain Picard.

- Your adorable Chihuahua-wolfhound mix?

Yes, the Chiwolfua.

When I first got him as a puppy,

he would get so excited when I finally came home from work.

And I would think to myself, "Oh, he loves his mommy!"

And then, one morning,

I forgot my smoothie on the kitchen counter,

and I went right back three minutes later,

and he acted just as excited.

And then it dawned on me.

Oh, he's just stupid.

- I can't remember what we were talking about

that would make you think of that.

I know.

And trust me, that's a blessing, you simpleton.

Actually, I'm a Pisces.

But Dr. Jackie, just so you know,

just like Captain Picard, I will always be here for you.

And no matter how long you are gone,

I'll be excited to see you.

Oh. [chuckles]

Now, are you really this clueless,

or are you just trying to suck all the fun

outta me being mean to you? [chuckles]

I guess we'll never know.

[Dr. Jackie and Sherry chuckle]

Now, you'd better go to your office.

- Okay. - Get comfortable.

Kick off those extra-wide shoes.

Pour yourself a big cup

of that fermented potato juice you love,

'cause your next appointment's almost here.

Her name is Trixie Mattel.

Oh.

- She's young, pretty, rich, and famous.

So you better fill that cup all the way to the top. [laughs]

[door thuds]

Simpleton.

[typewriter clacking] ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

[typewriter dings] ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh

Hello, Trixie!

You know, before we start, I just wanna tell you

that my receptionist Shirley is a big fan of yours.

- Aw. Well, that's always nice to hear.

Yes, I would imagine it is,

especially since you probably don't hear it very often.

- I'm sorry, what is that supposed to mean?

- Oh, it just means that you're such a big star now.

You probably don't get up-close-and-personal time

with your fans.

Oh!

Yes, that's true.

- Yeah, unless they pay a ridiculous amount of money

for the meet-and-greet, right? [chuckles]

Excuse me?

- I said, unless they pay a-

Yeah, I heard you.

You're loud.

I just don't understand why you're being so shady.

Shady?

What is your problem?

- You know, actually, as the psychotherapist,

I think I should be asking you,

the crazy patient, that question.

So, oh my god, what is your problem?

No, seriously. What's wrong?

Listen, I'm here to help you.

- Well, my problem-

Yes.

- Well, my problem is-

You can tell me.

- My problem is that I don't have a problem.

I'm incredibly thin.

I'm insanely rich, wildly successful,

outrageously beautiful.

- And don't forget, not delusional at all.

Thank you. I mean, look at me.

I'd rather not.

I won "Drag Race All Stars."

I travel all over the world, doing my shows.

I am a bestselling author and a kickass DJ.

I have a successful cosmetics empire.

[chimes tinkling] [Trixie gasps]

- Ooh. - [Audience] Wow!

Did you get that?

You got it. Okay.

I own a kitschy little motel in Palm Springs.

And, Dr. Jackie, I have a combined 4.5 million followers

on Twitter and Instagram.

[Trixie grunts]

Nice try.

There aren't even that many people on the planet.

[Dr. Jackie chuckling]

I guess I just feel left out.

I mean, nobody feels bad for me

because everything in my life is perfect.

- All right, let's take a closer look at this, shall we?

[tense electronic music]

Did you win "All Stars?"

Yes, you did. Congratulations.

But why don't we focus on the fact

that you didn't win "Drag Race"

the first time you were on the show,

so technically, you're a loser.

I guess.

Say it.

Say what?

Say you're a loser.

Listen, I'm only trying to help you.

[chuckling] Okay.

[hands clap] [Trixie exhales]

I'm a loser.

Yes.

Now, you travel all over the world, doing shows,

but you do those shows

with Katya and Kelly Mantle. [tense electronic music]

Oh my god!

One is bonkers with a capital F,

and the other went home from "Drag Race" first.

Ooh! Not good.

I do solo shows too.

- Oh, you sing country music, so shut the fuck up, Reba.

"Hey, everybody. [upbeat country music]

I'm a drag queen.

I should be singing about poppers and fingernails.

But I'm up here singing about biscuit dough

and how my husband gave me a black eye.

I'm ironic."

- I do not sound like, I do not sound like that.

I don't sound like that.

What's next?

[tense electronic music] Bestselling author.

[laughs] Bestselling author.

I read one of your books, and uh,

hmm, it was mostly pictures.

And those pictures were so photoshopped,

I thought I needed LASIK surgery.

Next.

I'm a DJ.

- You push play on a pink laptop.

Big whoop. Next.

My makeup is iconic.

- Girl, you look like you cut off Kim Chi's face,

and you're wearing it like a mask

in some twisted mashup of "Silence of the Lambs"

and "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert."

Next!

I still have my motel.

Congratulations!

You're the second most popular cross-dresser

to own a creepy motel.

Hate to break it to you, Trixie,

but Norman Bates of "Psycho" is still number one.

Next!

Well, Dr. Jackie, [sniffs]

I still have 4.5 million followers on Instagram and Twitter.

- About that, I did a little research.

Let's crunch the numbers.

[Dr. Jackie giggles] [tense electronic music]

4.4 million of them are actually cats and dogs,

3/4 of 1 million are Russian bots,

and 245,517 are actually dead people.

So hmm, let's do the math.

That leaves a whopping 483 actual followers.

- Well, I guess you can't argue with the numbers.

You really can't.

I mean, you can, but you'd lose. [chuckles]

So, [sniffs] how does that make you feel?

I feel [sniffles]

actually great.

I feel basic.

[triumphant horns blaring]

- Yay! [stars and audience clapping]

- Mission accomplished! - Yay!

- I mean, this is what you wanted.

When you first called me and asked if I could berate,

insult, and humiliate you, do you remember what I told you?

- You told me that I could hire a hustler,

pay them to shit on my chest, piss in my mouth,

all for cheaper than your hourly rate.

- Yes, and I also told you I wasn't sure

if I could even do it, because to be really honest with you,

being this negative does not come naturally to me.

It is not my thing.

But when you told me why you wanted me

to knock you down a few pegs, I understood.

I got it.

- It's just so exhausting, you know,

being so flawless, perfect, and successful.

Oh, you poor thing.

I can't even imagine. That must be terrible.

Well, not anymore.

I guess I'm gonna go home and get online

and start complaining about my shitty life.

- Oh my god, honey, I am so happy for you.

Have fun!

Mm.

Thanks, Dr. Jackie.

[Dr. Jackie laughs and sighs]

- [microphone booms] - Bye, oh. [blows raspberry]

[producer laughs]

[Dr. Jackie sighs]

Fucking loser.

She's a fuckin' loser.

[upbeat traditional pop music]

[door slams] ♪ Ah

- Uh, hi, Dr. Jackie. It's Neil Patrick Harris.

David Burtka, and, uh,

we're the creators of "Drag Me to Dinner," and-

We are, yeah.

- And we're so entirely grateful for all the,

the help you've given us through the years.

- We really did just wanna say thank you.

We, we had some serious problems with our,

I guess, emotional, romantic-

Love life.

- Love life, and you really helped us out.

- As a therapist, you're super smart,

and you're on the, you're on the, you know,

right track with, with everything you possibly say, and we-

- Very clinical. - Yeah.

And you also taught us, um,

how to kinda rekindle the romance sexually.

So if you don't mind, we're gonna go, uh,

we're gonna go take care of that right now.

You know it.

- What about when I suggested having a three-way?

[Dr. Jackie laughing]

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