Original subtitles

[upbeat music]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy

♪ But just poor white trash

♪ The tragic but true fact is a bitter aging actresses ♪

♪ Whose agent just recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap box wine ♪

♪ Till she took a bogus class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would've guessed that this phony would treat ♪

♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty blonde assistant, that dumb whore Sherry ♪

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The Unlicensed Psychotherapist ♪

[sign clatters]

[upbeat music]

Good morning, Dr. Jackie.

Hey.

What's wrong?

Hey, you can tell me I'm not just your receptionist,

gosh darn it, I'm your friend.

Well, my doctor just told me

that I am nearly 10 pounds overweight and-

April Fools. [laughs]

Honey, I'm not that easy to trick.

- Sherry, it's November. - Oh.

Sorry.

Please continue.

- Well, I woke up this morning, you know,

all ready to make some changes.

So I did five jumping jacks

and I ate breakfast at that vegan cafe around the corner.

Veronica's Very Vegan Veranda?

- No, the other one. - I Heart God's Creatures?

Oh no, that place closed.

They may heart God's creatures,

but they don't heart cleaning their kitchen properly.

- Stop Eating Meat You Heartless Bastard?

- That's the one. - So what happened?

- Well, I was just sitting there enjoying my scrambled tofu,

cashew cheese, and Beyond bacon burrito,

and all of a sudden a fist fight broke out.

What?

- Yeah, I guess one skinny guy spilled some oat milk

on another skinny guy's cruelty-free sandals.

So much for peace and love, right?

My gosh, did anyone get hurt?

- Oh God, no, it was a couple of vegans.

They were all like [grunts].

- Well, forget all about that, meatless mayhem.

The ad agency just sent over the final cut

of your new commercial that's gonna air every night

on Channel 37, right after the late, late, late, late movie.

They think you're gonna be very impressed

with the celebrity they got. [giggles]

- Well, don't just sand there, stupid, push play.

- Hi, everyone, I'm Jinx Monsoon.

Turns out mental health is pretty important.

The Reagan administration is way off on that one.

Anyway, I don't just trust my mental health

with just anyone.

I don't just do that.

There's only one lady I can confide in.

You must be thinking Patty LuPone.

But no, sadly, no.

Now that she won't take my calls,

there's only one woman for me.

And that's Dr. Jackie.

So if you're looking for mental health that's cheap,

quick, and efficient, Jackie Beat's your gal.

Yeah, Jackie Beat, she can't be beat.

That should be her slogan.

God, she doesn't pay me enough for this shit.

She's paying me for this, right?

- Well, what do you think, Dr. Jackie?

- Cute, but she couldn't put on a little lipstick?

[typewriter clacking] [upbeat music]

Hello and welcome to the very first meeting

of the, I Was on a Hit Period Piece TV Show

and Now I Feel Like I'm Living in the Wrong Decade

support group.

Far out, man.

This is like totally awesome.

- Oh boy, I can see already that we have our work

cut out for us.

Why don't we go around the room and introduce ourselves?

Oscar?

Hi, I'm Oscar Montoya.

Thanks for inviting me.

I play a character named Richie on a show called "Minx."

[Deirdre claps] Thank you.

Thank you so much.

So the show takes place in the 1970s,

which, let's be honest, is the best decade. [chuckles]

Deirdre, what about you?

Hi, my name is Deirdre.

I play Greta on a TV show called "Physical"

- Woo! - Oh!

Thanks.

And, yeah, I'm sorry to burst your bubble, Oscar,

but the 1980s is the best decade.

- Okay, well, we're not here to argue over

which decade is the best.

We are here to figure out what is so wrong

in your real lives that you would wanna escape

into another era.

And before we go any further,

I just wanna make it very clear, you are not alone.

There are a lot of stupid, miserable,

and or fear-based people who feel the need

to romanticize the past and live in an unrealistic,

soft-focused world.

I mean, four words.

- Have a nice day? - I want my MTV?

- Make America great again. - Ooh.

- Oscar, why don't you tell me what you love about the '70s?

- What isn't there to love about the '70s? [laughs]

I mean, people were free back then.

You could hitchhike with a total stranger

to a music festival,

and catch a half a dozen of your favorite bands for like $2.

Sounds good.

Well, if you're lucky enough to be picked up

by somebody who's not driving a Pinto,

which could explode at any moment

if you looked at it the wrong way,

or one of the many prolific serial killers from the 1970s,

and you actually make it to said music festival,

to hear a couple of songs by your favorite white,

male rock band.

Yeah, but you know what?

Hey, enjoy yourself.

Have a good time, but not too good of a time,

because security is a bunch of filthy, angry,

homophobic bikers on speed who will stab you to death!

- Holy crap. [ring rattles]

Not cool, right?

- Yeah. - That actually happened.

Not cool.

It's not cool, I agree, geez.

What about you?

What is it about the '80s that you love?

Oh, well, woo.

Um, I mean, like Oscar said,

what's not to love about the '80s?

The music, the movies, the fashion.

People had fun.

You could take a ride in your Pontiac Fiero convertible

and go see, you know, half a dozen of your favorite bands

for like 20 bucks. [laughs]

Okay, once again, sounds good.

But let's dig a little deeper, shall we?

"Total Eclipse of the Heart."

"We Are the World."

"Purple Rain."

"Don't Worry, Be Happy."

"Under Pressure."

"We Built This City."

[Deidre gasps]

Yeah, okay, onto fashion.

Let's face it, back in the '80s,

everybody looked like a coked out Dorothy Zbornak

going to an aerobics class.

- There's literally nothing wrong with that.

What's wrong with that?

- That's what I wanted to look like.

- That's actually kind of perfect, yeah.

Okay, bad example.

But never forget that Demi Moore wore black Lycra

bike shorts to the Academy Awards in 1989.

- Ew. - Ew.

Exactly.

- She biked there to the Oscars like that?

Vaginas need to breathe.

[clock ticking]

If that wasn't bad enough,

New Coke, "Carrie the Musical" and "Cop Rock."

No okay, no, stop, stop.

Dr Jackie, I'm sorry,

but there's nothing you're ever gonna say

that's gonna convince me that the '80s

were not like totally awesome.

"Punky Brewster" and AIDS.

Well fuck that shit.

- All right, I want you two to read this out loud in unison.

Don't feel pressure to harmonize.

- Do you wanna take the alto line or, doesn't matter.

Don't feel, don't harmonize.

Okay.

- Yeah, mm-hmm, okay.

- Ready? - We could.

[Jackie sighs]

- Yeah, let's not, don't get in our heads about it.

Let's not do that.

- Yeah, absolutely. - Let's just do it.

Okay. Ready?

[Both] I love right now.

Right now is great.

There has never been a exciting time to be alive.

I won't look back because today is a gift.

That's why they call it the present.

That's sweet.

- Did you write this? - Did you?

I found it online.

I thought it was appropriate.

- Oh, sweet nonetheless. - That's nice.

- All right, now, Oscar, I want you to recite this

and finally purge yourself

of your unnatural love for everything 1970s.

- Okay. - You can do it.

- I think I got it. - You got this.

- I love you. - Oh.

The 1970s weren't that great.

Everybody smoked, which I hate.

If you wanted some dick, you had to go on a date.

The 1970s weren't that great.

I'm, I'm sorry, Dr. Jackie, I'm confused.

Go on a date?

Yes, Oscar.

You see, back in the 1970s, we didn't have,

they didn't have apps.

You couldn't just, you know, sign up for, you know,

hey, ah, swiping right, swiping left,

beep bop boop doodly do.

You had to actually put on pants and leave the house.

You had to go to a singles bar.

Yes.

You had to order a drink like a Harvey Wallbanger.

Look it up.

And you had to sit there and hope to meet somebody,

strike up a conversation,

and pretend like you were listening,

pretend like you were interested in their boring lives,

just to get lucky.

And then if you went home with them,

you didn't know what you were getting.

You didn't know what they were packing, what they were into.

I mean, it was a total crap shoot.

Sometimes, literally.

- No. - Yeah.

- No. - Crap.

- Wait, like literally, literally?

Like feces, yeah.

Wow, I, I, I had no idea.

- Yeah. - Oh.

- All right, Deirdre, now it is your turn.

I want you to read this out loud,

and I want you to let go of your obsession

with the 1980s.

Yeah, it's not that bad.

- I can do this. - Yeah.

You're great at this.

The 1980s weren't much fun.

You had to leave the house to get stuff done.

You had to prove you weren't crazy just to buy a gun.

The 1980s weren't much fun.

Sorry, I'm confused.

What do you mean that you had to leave the house

to get stuff done?

Oh, just what it says.

If you wanted anything, I mean, groceries, a paperback book,

bad porn on VHS,

you had to actually put on clothes and leave the house.

- No way. - Way.

Now how do you two feel about living

in the 1970s and '80s now?

- Bossy bottoms, not bell bottoms.

- Global warming, not leg warmers.

- Fentanyl overdoses, not Fresco over ice.

Billie Eilish, not Billy Idol.

- School shootings, not Schoolhouse Rock.

- Trump in the White House. Not Trump in "Home Alone 2."

- Yes! - We did it.

- We did it! - We did it.

- Yes, yes! [triumphant music]

[Jackie sniffles]

Dr. Jackie, are you okay?

- Dr. - Jackie, what's the matter?

- Global warming, school shootings,

Billie Eilish.

Guys, you guys, we need to build a fucking time machine

and get the hell outta here.

- Okay. - Grab your stuff.

- Yeah, let's do it. - Yeah.

[sign rattles] [upbeat music]

Oh, hi.

Hi, Dr. Jackie, it's me, Debbie Harry.

- Oh, hey, what's going on, Debbie?

- It's just, you know, I'm out here on the road performing

and you know, I was just checking into my hotel room

and I'm a little concerned.

- Debbie, as you know, I also travel a lot for work.

So if it makes you feel any better,

it's probably something I've done too.

Let me guess.

You ate and drank everything in the mini bar

and the bill was over $1,200?

No.

- You tried to make ramen noodles in the coffee maker?

No.

- Uh, you deliberately smashed the thermostat

with one of your high heels

so they would send up that hunky maintenance man

that you saw in the hallway,

but they sent up a different guy

that you didn't find attractive at all,

and you had to awkwardly stand there in a negligee

while he tried to fix it?

Um, no.

The first thing that I do is just look under the bed.

I'm terrified there might be used condoms under there.

- Wait a minute, you're a huge star.

What kind of by the hour shit holes are you staying in?

These are five star hotels.

- You are clearly a take charge kind of gal, right?

But when you're on the road, you are no longer in charge.

Yeah.

- Instead, you're being constantly reminded that you,

in fact, have very little control over anything.

I mean, who's flying the plane?

What brand of sparkling water is in your dressing room?

What's under the bed?

Yeah. Okay.

- When I'm at home, I know exactly what's under my bed,

a shoebox full of yellowed newspaper clippings

about that schoolmate of mine, Lisa Wilson,

who mysteriously went missing and a lock of her golden hair.

Okay.

I mean, in the end,

none of us really has control of anything.

When I finally realized this, I was no longer paranoid.

Thanks, Dr. Jackie.

- The moment you let go of paranoia, you are free like me.

[buttons clicking] What was that?

What was that noise?

What was what?

- That click just now on the phone.

I knew it!

A black ops arm of the US government

is listening in on all my calls.

I've gotta go, Debbie, bye.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, welcome back from lunch, Dr. Jackie.

Any fist fights?

Oh no.

I ate at that new barbecue place

called Falling Off the Bone.

Falling Off the Bone. No way.

My friend Amber was in a porno movie called

"Falling Off the Bone."

Turns out there's a very specific niche fetish

involving women who can't stay on a dick.

Can't stay on a dick?

- I mean, that is really clumsy. - Right?

- Now, who's my next appointment?

- His name is Tom Lenk and he's gonna be here any minute.

Okay, great.

Send him in when he gets here.

Yes, Dr. Jackie.

Wait a minute, what is going on?

We usually spend a lot more time talking

during this part of the show,

day, part of the day.

- Well, I'm afraid that we ate up a lot of time

with that whole commercial thing earlier.

Yeah, so as cute as it was, I mean, let's be honest,

that thing is way too long.

- "That Thing is Way Too Long," Amber was in that movie too.

[typewriter clicking] [upbeat music]

Hello, Tom, I'm Dr. Jackie,

and welcome to what I like to call Healing Central.

Yay.

Why are you here, Tom?

- Well, have you seen the 1976 made for TV movie "Sybil?"

- Oh, the critically acclaimed tour de force,

based on the novel of the same name starring Sally Field,

who prior to that was, you know,

pretty much just famous for playing Gidget

and the Flying Nun and had been essentially written off

by Hollywood.

But once she was in "Sybil,"

she all of a sudden won that Emmy,

and took, you know, Hollywood by storm.

Going on to win not one but two Oscars.

Yes.

I've never heard of it.

Why do you ask?

- I, I think I have the same condition

that Sybil's character has in the movie.

- Greasy black hair that hangs down in your face?

- No, I think I have multiple personalities, Dr. Jackie.

- Multiple person, that is much more serious

than unmanageable hair.

- I have two very different, very distinct personalities

that seem to pop up when I'm feeling anxious or stressed.

- So tell me, how does this work?

Do I have to freak you out

so the one of the multiple personalities

rears its ugly head?

Because you know, not to toot my own horn,

I'm really good at freaking people out. [laughs]

- No, I'm actually pretty good now

at summoning them at will.

"Summoning them at will."

That sounds almost demon adjacent.

What's happening now?

Just a little.

- Stretching. - Stretching.

[dramatic music]

Hi, it's me, Zooey Deschanel,

And I love to approach life like a joyful teenager,

even though I'm a woman in my forties.

Hello, Zooey.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but tell me more about yourself.

- Well, I never take anything too seriously.

I guess I'm just the ultimate optimist.

I like to keep things light, airy, breezy.

I show up anytime Tom needs to laugh

in the face of adversity.

You might say, "Survival of the cutest."

Oh, so cute. [horn toots]

And where did Tom meet you?

Oh, we've never actually met.

I played Jess on one of Tom's favorite shows, "New Girl."

- Why isn't this personality called Jess?

Or maybe just New Girl?

- Because I always just play myself.

[comical music] [audience laughs]

- Okay, now let me ask you a question.

Hypothetically, if you were in a terrible car accident

and your best friend, who was in the passenger seat,

was brutally decapitated

and their head ended up in your lap,

how would a blood splattered Zooey

deal with that somewhat stressful situation?

I mean, poop happens, right?

Why not just shrug, roll your eyes,

and be positive about it?

And have fun with your friends. [laughs]

[chicken squeaks] [audience laughs]

- Fun with your friend's disembodied head?

Yeah, why not?

- Okay, now you said there was another personality in there

with Zooey and Tom.

Please can we get rid of this one

and have that one come out?

[Tom grunts]

I'm sorry, but you can't smoke in here.

- For the love of "Suspiria," fine.

[cigarette hisses]

There we are.

I don't believe we've met.

My name is Dr. Jackie and you are?

- Have you been living under a rock for the past 433 months?

'Tis I, Tilda Swinton! [dramatic music]

The holographic love child of an H.R. Geiger painting

and David Bowie.

I see.

- No, you only see what you want to see.

What does that mean?

- If I'd explain myself for every cryptic

and confusing thing I said, well,

I simply wouldn't have time to masturbate

to brutalist architecture

and my throat would be so very sore

from all of the talking

because everything I says is cryptic and confusing.

I get it.

- You get nothing and you like it,

you unevolved, pear-shaped lemming.

- [spooky music] - All right, you know what?

Is it fair to assume

that when Zooey can't handle a situation,

Tilda here steps in?

Ding, ding, ding.

Either someone's microwave popcorn is ready

or you've stumbled upon something.

Yes, when that brunette dumb dumb can't help our poor,

dear Thomas, I creep in like a cold, albino,

spider alien devoid of emotion.

You know what the best way to deal with the problem is?

Disconnect from all emotions

and say to yourself in a robotic monotone voice,

"Does not compute."

- So it seems like between you and Zooey,

you know how to deal with any and all

of Tom's emotional baggage.

Zooey just fills it up with rubber chickens

and whoopee cushions and you zip it up

and hurl it off a CGI cliff.

Ding, ding, ding.

Better check that popcorn before it's burnt,

dear Dr. Jackie,

- There's just one thing I don't understand.

- How to dress to flatter your body type?

No.

How each of Tom's personalities

just happens to have its own wig and accessories.

[gasps] I'm a theater queen?

No, you're a drama queen.

- As long as you needle point it on a vintage pillow

or pipe it onto some vegan, gluten-free cupcakes,

then everything's okay.

It's, it's not worrisome.

It isn't, Zooey?

[dramatic music]

- Beep, beep, boop, does not compute.

- Oh, but I think it does, Tilda.

[Tom murmurs]

- I'm scared. Dr. Jackie, what is going on?

- Tom, as much as it pains me to say this out loud,

I don't think you really have multiple personalities.

- But what about Zooey and Tilda?

- Don't you see, you have consciously made a choice

to adopt the personality of these two very different,

frankly fucked up actresses to deal with discomfort.

You've got both extremes covered, right?

Thanks to zany Zooey and titanium Tilda.

One with goofy humor and the other with complete denial.

Oh my God, you're right.

How could I not see it?

- Tom, Tom, Tom, I am talking to Tom right now, right?

You need to find a happy medium.

You, you need to, to have a personality that deals

with problems head on.

You have to break away from the extremes of Zooey

and Tilda and find something right in the middle.

I mean, this personality might be right under your nose.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

- [dramatic music] - I sure do.

Thanks, Dr. Jackie.

Hey, wait a minute.

When I said to get a personality, I didn't mean mine.

And I am charging you for that wig.

Wait a minute, you guys aren't gonna show me bald, are you?

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Dr. Jackie, it's me, Nina West.

I'm backstage looking pretty unglamorous without a wig on,

but I know you would never share this with anyone,

let alone show it off on TV.

So I just wanted to share with you that,

you know, after only one session with you,

all of my cravings for kale and quinoa are gone.

Thank you so much. [knocking]

- [Delivery Person] Delivery. [upbeat music]

- I better run, my pizza's here. [laughs]

Bye, Dr. Jackie. [upbeat music]

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