Original subtitles

[pop music]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy

♪ But just poor white trash

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress whose agent ♪

♪ Just recently dropped her

♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ 'Till she took a bogus class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast

♪ Came in last

♪ Barely passed

♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who would've guessed

♪ That this phony would treat

♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing more distant ♪

♪ And more scary is

♪ Her slutty blonde assistant

♪ That dumb whore Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪

[gentle electronic music]

- Good morning. Or should I say happy Halloween?

- Very funny. - No, actually,

I do not think it's very funny.

As a matter of fact, I think it is unprofessional,

inappropriate, and frankly just a little desperate.

But I do not think it's funny.

- Listen, when you told me that the queen of pop, the one

and only Madonna Louise Ciccone was coming into this office

for an emergency session,

I don't know what happened to me.

- I do. You obviously went bonkers.

- Okay, I will apologize for a lot of things,

but I will not apologize for being bonkers about Madonna.

Okay, don't you think you're

going a little overboard?

- Don't you think you're going a little under board?

- Okay. That's not something people say.

You have to understand.

Madonna made me the person I am today.

Please do not tell her that.

- I just wanna look her in the eye and tell her how fearless

and courageous she is and how the entire world owes her

a huge thank you card signed by all 8 billion people

for everything she's done.

- Yeah, that's not weird. - Right?

Then you promise to change?

- I promise. - Okay.

[footsteps sounding] [doorbell ringing]

- Oh my fucking God! That's her! Oh. Oh.

Like a virgin, like a prayer, vlog!

[items crashing] [cat meowing]

Causing a commotion?

[upbeat music] [typewriter keys clicking]

First of all, I would like to just apologize

for the behavior of my receptionist out there.

- Well, I'd like to apologize for my bodyguard

for shooting her with that tranquilizer gun.

- What should I call you? Madonna, Madge, M?

I'm not hung up on that shit.

We could do. She hath invented talent.

Okay, just use the first letter of every word.

You know how in when they say goat, it's

for the greatest of all time? Just do that.

- Okay? She hath invented talent.

- Yeah. - That spells shit.

- Listen, if I wanted to be called shit,

I'd still be hanging out with Sean Penn

or Guy Ritchie or Sandra Bernhardt.

Let me just first say

that I am a huge fan of yours.

- Listen, I'm not paying $500 an hour

to have someone kiss my black ass.

- Good to know. So, Madonna, why are you here?

- Finally! That took longer than me getting

over the fact that in 1996, I was not nominated

for my groundbreaking performance in the titular role

of Evita for an Academy Award.

And if you so much his giggle at the expression titular,

I will smack you harder

than I smacked my best friend Debbie Mazar the morning

those misogynistic nominations came out.

- Oh my God, you crazy bitch, why the fuck are you here?

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

- No, that's exactly the way I want you to talk to me.

[playful music] See, even when

it comes to therapy,

I like it a little rough. [whip cracking]

- Oh, well, I mean, I'm sorry, but I think you should know

that really goes against my nature.

- What if I doubled your hourly rate?

- [cash register ringing] - Get to the point, cunt.

I'm here because I was working

on the screenplay of my life story.

And as you no doubt know, it was indefinitely shelved.

I believe I read about that.

- How incredibly soul-destroying it's been

to find a co-writer that I can collaborate

with now that Truman Capote and James Baldwin

and Jackie Collins are no longer with us.

I'm sorry for your loss.

- [sobs] So much is coming up for me.

Well, that's why we're here.

- Yeah. Oh my God. Oh God. Oh my God. You're really good.

You're so good. You're so good.

- Well, I mean, that's why it says, what does this say?

- Durrr Jockey. - [sighs heavily]

- I need to figure out what's next.

I wish there was a type of movie

that didn't require a writer.

- There is. - I can't do full

on porn, can I?

- I'm talking about documentaries.

Oh.

- And you've already made one, remember?

I'm, I'm old.

- It was one of the most successful things you've ever done.

It made like $40 million back

in 1991. "Truth or Dare".

Dare. I never tell the truth.

- No, that was the name of the movie.

Oh my God. Do you know what you should do?

You should scrap this whole life story thing

and just have a camera crew follow you around

and do "Truth or Dare Two".

- Oh my gosh. - No need to thank me.

You know what I should do?

I should forget this whole life story thing

and get a camera crew to follow me around

and film "Truth or Dare Two".

[angelic music]

Oh my God. How did you...

Please, bitch. I'm Madonna.

[film beep]

I'm always striving to evolve at breakneck speed.

Just like in my "Ray of Light" video.

So today I visited my analyst.

[Jackie] What is this?

Just read it.

- But documentaries don't have scripts.

Besides, I'm a doctor.

So ethically and legally I can't do this.

I'll triple your daily rate.

[cash register rings]

Hey, you're no one's bitch!

And don't you let anyone hang their shit on you.

Did you get that?

- Also, Lola should text you back more often,

Rocco's stepmom is basic,

And you invented Bob the Drag Queen?

- Just make sure you jostle the camera. Okay?

I want it to look realistic.

[film beep] Dr. Jackie,

show us how you give head.

- What? - With this telephone.

[gagging]

- [film beep] - And Yahweh said to Elijah,

"Go towards the tree of life and greet your serpent shadow."

- You're sitting on my nameplate.

I don't feel anything.

[film beep] Note to self: Celebration tour mood board.

My face decoupaged onto my former body,

and an LED light installation

of pin the tail on the Neanderthal

with Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Yeah. [film beep]

So this guy said, if I simulate masturbation,

I'll be hauled off to jail.

But I said I wouldn't compromise my artistic integrity.

- So you did the show. - What show?

This was at Trader Joe's last week.

[film beep] This is so healing.

- Shh. Shh. - No one tells me

to shut up. [film beep]

I miss you so much. I'll always love you.

That's it. Get it all out.

She'll always be your mommy.

- Mommy? These are the ashes of my acting career.

"Swept Away," "Body of Evidence,"

"Shanghai Surprise."

[coughing]

- Oh no. These are the magic mushrooms

my ex-boyfriend gave me.

Get ready to trip balls.

- [laughing] - [coughing]

Hey, who the hell are you?

- [R&B music] - [Vocalist] Here we go.

I'm comedian Julie Brown.

And if you're stupid enough

- to make "Truth or Dare Two," - Here we go.

- Then I'm gonna rip you a new one.

Get ready for Medusa, bitches.

You know, it's really pathetic

to make a living impersonating

other people. Get a life.

[musical riff] [door slamming]

- [cell phone ringing] - This is Dr. Jackie.

Are you paying for the premium call anytime option?

- Oh yeah, I think so. My code word is pastrami.

- Oh, hi Murray Hill. How can I help you?

As you know, I'm a regular

on the small big HBO show, "Somebody Somewhere."

- Oh yes, congratulations. I wish I was on a TV show.

- I don't mean to complain, but working

with Bridget Everett, it is a pain in the ass.

- Oh really? She seems so fun and easygoing.

- She is. She's fun with, with everybody else

but me. I don't know, I feel like maybe it's

because we've known each other forever,

but she is working my last nerve. She is

a big... [call waiting beep]

Oh, I'm sorry Murray.

I have another premium patient calling

and if I don't answer it right away,

they might demand a refund.

Be right back.

Dr. Jackie. How may I heal you?

- Oh, that's cute. How may I heal you? Is that new?

Oh, hey Bridget.

Yes. Do you like it?

- I love it. - Yay.

So let the healing begin. What's up girl?

- Well, Jackie, as you know, I'm the star

of HBO's show "Somebody Somewhere".

- Yes. I love it. Congratulations.

I wish I was on a TV show.

- Thank you, Thank you. Now look, I don't mean to complain,

but just between you

and me, my co-star Mr. Murray Hill

is driving me fucking crazy.

- What? But he seems so fun and easygoing.

- He is with everybody else. But I don't know.

Maybe it's because we've been friends for so long.

Sometimes, some days. I just wanna...

You know what?

I think this may actually be kismet because, plot twist,

he's on the other line.

Wait, what?

- Murray Hill and Bridget Everett.

You are now on a conference call.

- Yeah. Hey Bridge. - Hey Murr.

- I think you should each take this opportunity

to clear the air and speak your truth

and tell the other how you really feel. Okay?

- Okay, - Sure. I guess so.

- I enjoy working with you - Oh my God Murr,

- So much baby - I love working with

- You are the greatest - You so much!

- Hey, I love you. - You're my baby boy!

- Your Daddy loves you. - I love you!

- I really do. - Oh, I can't wait

- Murray loves you. - To see you.

- Okay. Bye! - Bye Murr!

[phone beeps]

- [sighs] Everyone in Hollywood is so fake.

- [intercom beep] - Yes, Dr. Jackie?

- Yeah, I just wanted to let you know

how much I enjoy working with you.

[musical flourish]

- Sherry, did you order my lunch to be delivered?

[Sherry] Yes, it's on its way.

- Okay. Because I told you I'm eating lunch

in my office today.

[Sherry] Yes, I know.

Where are you?

I was changing.

- Obviously not into a normal person.

- I told you I was going to Coachella after work today.

- Wait a minute. Who the hell are you?

Oh, my name's Dandelion.

Well, that's my nickname actually.

'Cause I'm a pansexual Leo. You get it?

- No. - Dandelion and I

are going to Coachella together.

- Yeah, babe. And the sooner we get

on the road the better. Because traffic, much

like my ex-boyfriend, can be a real bitch.

I used to date a guy 'cause I'm pansexual.

- Got it. - Got it.

Can I leave early today?

Please, please, please?

Absolutely not, not, not.

You know who's coming in later today

and I need everything to be perfect.

- You have been seeing Meryl Streep for years.

Why do you still get so nervous?

- Because she's the best actress in the history of acting

and the entire planet owes her a giant thank you card signed

by all 8 billion people on the planet

for everything she's done.

Yeah, that's not weird.

[phone ringing] Oh, I'll get it.

- You know, I couldn't help but over hear, you know?

'Cause I'm sitting so close. But you're right.

Meryl Streep is fucking amazing.

- Right? I mean, "Silkwood," "Sophie's Choice,"

"Out of Africa,"

- "The Devil Wears Prada," "Death Becomes Her,"

"Mamma Mia!" two, "Here We Go Again?"

Wow. He really is pansexual.

Oh yeah. Oh yes.

I just love, love, love that Meryl Streep!

- Meryl canceled. - Oh, I hate, hate, hate her.

So I can leave early?

Yes. Get out.

Whoa. That is so sweet.

I thought you said she was a raging bitch?

- What? - He's just kidding.

Oh, I can't wait to stand in the hot sun all day.

Pay $20 for a bottled water

and shit in an upright fiberglass coffin.

- Why didn't you guys get VIP? - That is VIP.

What?

- Bye! - Bye.

- See you next week. - What?

[bouncy music] [typewriter keys clicking]

[clearing throat]

- Uh, hi. Are you looking for the ladies' room?

No.

The men's room?

No.

- Well then what the hell are you doing here?

I'm from the temp agency.

I'm filling in for your receptionist, Sherry,

while she's at Coachella.

- You mean Shirley? - No.

- Well, thank you for being here, uh

Bianca.

- Bianca, now wait just a goddamned minute.

You look really familiar.

Oh, yes.

Perhaps you remember me.

I was here last season, [audience gasping]

I mean last year when I came to you

to try to get my confidence as a man

that I usually experience only

as a drag queen. You remember, right?

I do. You're the one

that the big drag superstar traveling all

over the world doing shows, sellout shows if I remember

at places like Wembley Arena

and that seats like what?

- 12,500 [gunfighter duel music]

- And you sold it out? - Yes.

- Every seat. - Every seat.

Well, if I'd have known

that wearing way too much makeup

and being a monster bitch could make me a success,

I'd have done it years ago.

[rattlesnake rattles]

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hmm.

[hawk screaming] [laughing]

- Hmm. So, tell me what happened?

I mean, how did you go from answering fan mail

to answering my phones?

- Well, you see, - Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I was told I could water your plants during lunch.

- [gasps] Bianca! - Hey Willam!

You two know each other?

- Of course. - Of course.

- What are you doing with that hoe?

- I could ask you the same thing.

- [laughing] - Just kidding.

This is 'cause I also do

all the gardening outside.

Uh, let me get this straight.

So you water plants in the office

and tend to the outside gardening while in full face

and six inch hooker heels?

- Don't be ridiculous. These are my horticulture heels.

They're barely five inches.

Oh, but enough about my ex.

- So, how do you two know each other?

- Oh, we're both world famous A-list drag stars.

- Well, actually I'm more A-plus, and she's A-minus,

Whatever.

You know what, Willam?

I think Bianca was trying to be nice.

- Said no one ever. - Wait. What do you mean?

- You're a cunt. [cymbals crash]

Okay, what is going on here?

Is there a beef between you two?

- No. - No.

- There hasn't been a beef between Bianca

and I since that chub we spit roasted in PV, remember?

You said you weren't going

to mention that, remember?

- Ew. Remember the queso? Ew! - Ugh!

'Kay, so.

I don't hate Bianca.

This is just how queens talk to each other.

- Right girlfriend! [laughs] Understand,

we're neither girls nor friends,

but as drag queens, we're obligated

to say that to each other. Mm.

- You know what really confuses me?

- Tags that say one size fits all?

[guiro ratchets]

- When people say black is slimming?

[cowbell rings]

- No, no. How two drag superstars such

as yourselves ended up

as a temp receptionist and a office plant waterer.

- Oh, it's very simple. You see...

- Hi. [percussive beat]

- Hi Alaska. - Hi Alaska.

- Hi. Sorry to just barge in like this,

but there was no one at the receptionist desk

and I had to drop off your lunch

that you ordered from the Chow Now app.

- Okay, so you both know this person?

- Of course. - Of course.

I have a podcast with her.

- So you're a drag performer too?

- Yes. My stage name is Alaska Thunderfuck 5,000

from the planet Glamdron.

And we all know each other

from a very well-known reality competition series

about drag.

I won All Stars.

- [chuckles] I won the real show.

- And I was disqualified. [sad violin music]

- Oh, Willam, that must be very hard for you.

- Oh, please. It was the best thing

that ever happened to her.

- Well, I guess that's the world we live in today.

I mean, no publicity is bad publicity, right?

I mean, take a look at Kim Kardashian.

She's mostly famous for that sex scandal.

And these days you can be a complete no-talent

and still be famous. [gunfighter duel music]

And I'm so sorry, Willam. I didn't mean to say

that you are a no-talent. To your face.

[rattlesnake rattles]

- Oh, sorry. You're not usually here during lunch.

I'm just here to empty the trash.

- For the love of Liza, another hideous drag queen

doing a shitty, humiliating job just

to make ends meet?

- Uh, I ain't no fucking drag queen.

Empty your own goddamned trash, bitch.

[horns blare] [queens applauding]

- Alaska. Please, tell me more about yourself.

- Well, I named myself after a strain of marijuana.

And I have many chart topping albums such as "Anus,"

"Poundcake," and "Vagina."

- That sounds like Harvey Weinstein's to-do list

back in the day.

- Anyway, I have a whole bunch of really good singles, such

as "If You're Not wearing Nails, You're Not Doing Drag,"

"This is My Hair, I Don't Wear Wigs,"

and "Your Makeup is Terrible."

[audience gasps]

I feel very attacked.

- That's only because we're attacking you.

- I've gone from wearing nothing but leopard print,

I invented that.

- To wearing nothing but the color red.

And now I think my fans really want me to

Commit suicide.

That is not funny!

- [gunfighter duel music] - 12,500 people

in London would disagree.

[guiro ratchets] [hawk screaming]

- As I was saying, my fans really want me

to perform completely nude.

- I just threw up in - I just threw up in

- My mouth a little bit. Jinx! - My mouth a little bit. Jinx!

- You owe me some coke! - You owe me some coke!

Or cake.

Actually, I have poppers.

Oh. Oh, I can't do poppers.

I have to actually use my brain cells to do what I do.

- It takes brain cells to yell at people?

I just think that touring nude

would really send a message.

- That you don't have a full length mirror?

- No. - That you'll do

absolutely anything to stay relevant?

No.

That there is no room in this entire world for body shaming.

- Oh. - Oh.

Body shaming?

[tires screeching]

Lemme explain something to you, honey.

Skinny people are not allowed

to use the phrase body shaming.

But...

- Yes, but. And until you have a big fat one

like I do, I don't want

to hear you bitching and moaning about body shaming.

Now what I wanna know is why you three

drag superstars are doing in

these, you know, horrible, embarrassing,

pathetic, menial jobs?

And no offense to anyone who has, you know,

a pathetic, menial, horrible job.

- Haven't you heard? Doing drag shows now is illegal.

What?

- Yeah. We have to take any old job that we can get.

Yeah. Yesterday I worked at

that pretzel kiosk in the mall.

- Sorry, I haven't watched the news since like 9/11.

Why are drag shows illegal?

- [fart noise] - [Director] Cut.

- [film beep] - Oh, sorry you guys.

I just farted.

No shit!

- [Alaska] Fingers crossed there's no shit.

[Bianca] Oh yeah.

- [Willam] That sounded like a juicy one.

[Bianca] It really did.

- I'm sorry. Can we take that again?

[film beep]

[Clapper Loader] Dr. Jackie, Drag is Illegal. Take two.

[clapper snaps] [bell rings]

[Director] And action.

- I'm sorry, I haven't watched the news since like 9/11.

Why is drag illegal?

- Because some people are closed-minded.

- Because some people are so judgmental

- Because all drag queens are pedophiles.

What?

- [group] Just kidding! [group laughing]

- We're joking with you. I'm pulling your leg.

- Does anybody want some kung pao chicken?

I've suddenly lost my appetite.

Just kidding! [drum sting]

[group laughing]

[theme music outro]

- Hi Dr. Jackie. It's me, Jane Wiedland of the Go-Go's.

I wanted you to know I took your advice

and I quit the band and I've started

a Christian worship band called the God Gods.

Our big hit "Our Lips are Sealed,

These Lips and Those Lips" are charting

in the Christian charts.

I'm so happy I took your advice!

I couldn't have done it without you.

Praise Jebus!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0