All language subtitles for Dr Jackie s02e04.eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,620 --> 00:00:02,482 [pop music] 2 00:00:02,482 --> 00:00:04,275 ♪ She was unemployed, unhappy 3 00:00:04,275 --> 00:00:05,655 ♪ She had no cash 4 00:00:05,655 --> 00:00:06,862 ♪ Pretending to be classy 5 00:00:06,862 --> 00:00:08,655 ♪ But just poor white trash 6 00:00:08,655 --> 00:00:10,000 ♪ The tragic but true fact is 7 00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,655 ♪ A bitter aging actress whose agent ♪ 8 00:00:11,655 --> 00:00:14,379 ♪ Just recently dropped her 9 00:00:14,379 --> 00:00:17,000 ♪ Sitting on her ass drinking cheap boxed wine ♪ 10 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,689 ♪ 'Till she took a bogus class while at home online ♪ 11 00:00:19,689 --> 00:00:20,517 ♪ Finished fast 12 00:00:20,517 --> 00:00:21,379 ♪ Came in last 13 00:00:21,379 --> 00:00:22,724 ♪ Barely passed 14 00:00:22,724 --> 00:00:26,034 ♪ Now the bitch calls herself a doctor ♪ 15 00:00:26,034 --> 00:00:27,103 ♪ Who would've guessed 16 00:00:27,103 --> 00:00:29,344 ♪ That this phony would treat 17 00:00:29,344 --> 00:00:32,931 ♪ The craziest of the showbiz elite ♪ 18 00:00:32,931 --> 00:00:34,586 ♪ And now the only thing more distant ♪ 19 00:00:34,586 --> 00:00:36,103 ♪ And more scary is 20 00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:37,482 ♪ Her slutty blonde assistant 21 00:00:37,482 --> 00:00:39,000 ♪ That dumb whore Sherry 22 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:41,793 ♪ You don't wanna be on her client list ♪ 23 00:00:41,793 --> 00:00:44,724 ♪ It's Dr. Jackie 24 00:00:44,724 --> 00:00:48,827 ♪ The unlicensed psychotherapist. ♪ 25 00:00:51,551 --> 00:00:55,551 [gentle electronic music] 26 00:00:55,551 --> 00:00:59,103 - Good morning. Or should I say happy Halloween? 27 00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:01,517 - Very funny. - No, actually, 28 00:01:01,517 --> 00:01:03,379 I do not think it's very funny. 29 00:01:03,379 --> 00:01:06,172 As a matter of fact, I think it is unprofessional, 30 00:01:06,172 --> 00:01:09,586 inappropriate, and frankly just a little desperate. 31 00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,137 But I do not think it's funny. 32 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:14,413 - Listen, when you told me that the queen of pop, the one 33 00:01:14,413 --> 00:01:19,206 and only Madonna Louise Ciccone was coming into this office 34 00:01:19,206 --> 00:01:21,379 for an emergency session, 35 00:01:21,379 --> 00:01:23,034 I don't know what happened to me. 36 00:01:23,034 --> 00:01:25,586 - I do. You obviously went bonkers. 37 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,862 - Okay, I will apologize for a lot of things, 38 00:01:28,862 --> 00:01:33,379 but I will not apologize for being bonkers about Madonna. 39 00:01:33,379 --> 00:01:34,275 Okay, don't you think you're 40 00:01:34,275 --> 00:01:35,758 going a little overboard? 41 00:01:35,758 --> 00:01:38,551 - Don't you think you're going a little under board? 42 00:01:38,551 --> 00:01:40,862 - Okay. That's not something people say. 43 00:01:40,862 --> 00:01:42,862 You have to understand. 44 00:01:42,862 --> 00:01:46,551 Madonna made me the person I am today. 45 00:01:46,551 --> 00:01:49,931 Please do not tell her that. 46 00:01:49,931 --> 00:01:52,689 - I just wanna look her in the eye and tell her how fearless 47 00:01:52,689 --> 00:01:56,344 and courageous she is and how the entire world owes her 48 00:01:56,344 --> 00:02:00,758 a huge thank you card signed by all 8 billion people 49 00:02:00,758 --> 00:02:02,586 for everything she's done. 50 00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:04,965 - Yeah, that's not weird. - Right? 51 00:02:06,448 --> 00:02:08,103 Then you promise to change? 52 00:02:08,103 --> 00:02:09,896 - I promise. - Okay. 53 00:02:09,896 --> 00:02:12,586 [footsteps sounding] [doorbell ringing] 54 00:02:12,586 --> 00:02:15,586 - Oh my fucking God! That's her! Oh. Oh. 55 00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,275 Like a virgin, like a prayer, vlog! 56 00:02:20,275 --> 00:02:22,103 [items crashing] [cat meowing] 57 00:02:22,103 --> 00:02:23,896 Causing a commotion? 58 00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:30,241 [upbeat music] [typewriter keys clicking] 59 00:02:31,482 --> 00:02:32,758 First of all, I would like to just apologize 60 00:02:32,758 --> 00:02:35,275 for the behavior of my receptionist out there. 61 00:02:35,275 --> 00:02:39,482 - Well, I'd like to apologize for my bodyguard 62 00:02:39,482 --> 00:02:42,482 for shooting her with that tranquilizer gun. 63 00:02:42,482 --> 00:02:47,448 - What should I call you? Madonna, Madge, M? 64 00:02:48,413 --> 00:02:49,620 I'm not hung up on that shit. 65 00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:54,586 We could do. She hath invented talent. 66 00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:58,344 Okay, just use the first letter of every word. 67 00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:01,689 You know how in when they say goat, it's 68 00:03:01,689 --> 00:03:04,206 for the greatest of all time? Just do that. 69 00:03:04,206 --> 00:03:09,172 - Okay? She hath invented talent. 70 00:03:10,206 --> 00:03:12,000 - Yeah. - That spells shit. 71 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,000 - Listen, if I wanted to be called shit, 72 00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,827 I'd still be hanging out with Sean Penn 73 00:03:15,827 --> 00:03:20,310 or Guy Ritchie or Sandra Bernhardt. 74 00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:21,344 Let me just first say 75 00:03:21,344 --> 00:03:23,896 that I am a huge fan of yours. 76 00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:26,413 - Listen, I'm not paying $500 an hour 77 00:03:26,413 --> 00:03:29,000 to have someone kiss my black ass. 78 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:33,965 - Good to know. So, Madonna, why are you here? 79 00:03:35,137 --> 00:03:36,655 - Finally! That took longer than me getting 80 00:03:36,655 --> 00:03:40,689 over the fact that in 1996, I was not nominated 81 00:03:40,689 --> 00:03:44,482 for my groundbreaking performance in the titular role 82 00:03:44,482 --> 00:03:47,827 of Evita for an Academy Award. 83 00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:52,000 And if you so much his giggle at the expression titular, 84 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,413 I will smack you harder 85 00:03:53,413 --> 00:03:57,034 than I smacked my best friend Debbie Mazar the morning 86 00:03:57,034 --> 00:04:01,068 those misogynistic nominations came out. 87 00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:04,413 - Oh my God, you crazy bitch, why the fuck are you here? 88 00:04:04,413 --> 00:04:07,000 I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. 89 00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,413 - No, that's exactly the way I want you to talk to me. 90 00:04:10,413 --> 00:04:11,241 [playful music] See, even when 91 00:04:11,241 --> 00:04:12,793 it comes to therapy, 92 00:04:12,793 --> 00:04:14,931 I like it a little rough. [whip cracking] 93 00:04:14,931 --> 00:04:17,482 - Oh, well, I mean, I'm sorry, but I think you should know 94 00:04:17,482 --> 00:04:19,448 that really goes against my nature. 95 00:04:19,448 --> 00:04:21,137 - What if I doubled your hourly rate? 96 00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,137 - [cash register ringing] - Get to the point, cunt. 97 00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:25,379 I'm here because I was working 98 00:04:25,379 --> 00:04:29,206 on the screenplay of my life story. 99 00:04:29,206 --> 00:04:33,379 And as you no doubt know, it was indefinitely shelved. 100 00:04:33,379 --> 00:04:35,586 I believe I read about that. 101 00:04:35,586 --> 00:04:39,068 - How incredibly soul-destroying it's been 102 00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:42,275 to find a co-writer that I can collaborate 103 00:04:42,275 --> 00:04:46,758 with now that Truman Capote and James Baldwin 104 00:04:46,758 --> 00:04:50,241 and Jackie Collins are no longer with us. 105 00:04:50,241 --> 00:04:52,931 I'm sorry for your loss. 106 00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:56,724 - [sobs] So much is coming up for me. 107 00:04:57,620 --> 00:04:59,482 Well, that's why we're here. 108 00:04:59,482 --> 00:05:04,448 - Yeah. Oh my God. Oh God. Oh my God. You're really good. 109 00:05:05,482 --> 00:05:07,551 You're so good. You're so good. 110 00:05:07,551 --> 00:05:10,965 - Well, I mean, that's why it says, what does this say? 111 00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:14,827 - Durrr Jockey. - [sighs heavily] 112 00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,310 - I need to figure out what's next. 113 00:05:18,310 --> 00:05:20,689 I wish there was a type of movie 114 00:05:20,689 --> 00:05:23,689 that didn't require a writer. 115 00:05:23,689 --> 00:05:26,275 - There is. - I can't do full 116 00:05:26,275 --> 00:05:30,000 on porn, can I? 117 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,241 - I'm talking about documentaries. 118 00:05:33,931 --> 00:05:35,172 Oh. 119 00:05:35,172 --> 00:05:36,310 - And you've already made one, remember? 120 00:05:36,310 --> 00:05:37,241 I'm, I'm old. 121 00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:42,310 - It was one of the most successful things you've ever done. 122 00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:44,620 It made like $40 million back 123 00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:47,689 in 1991. "Truth or Dare". 124 00:05:47,689 --> 00:05:49,655 Dare. I never tell the truth. 125 00:05:49,655 --> 00:05:52,655 - No, that was the name of the movie. 126 00:05:52,655 --> 00:05:54,965 Oh my God. Do you know what you should do? 127 00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:56,965 You should scrap this whole life story thing 128 00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,620 and just have a camera crew follow you around 129 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,241 and do "Truth or Dare Two". 130 00:06:02,241 --> 00:06:05,103 - Oh my gosh. - No need to thank me. 131 00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:06,724 You know what I should do? 132 00:06:06,724 --> 00:06:08,931 I should forget this whole life story thing 133 00:06:08,931 --> 00:06:11,275 and get a camera crew to follow me around 134 00:06:11,275 --> 00:06:12,758 and film "Truth or Dare Two". 135 00:06:12,758 --> 00:06:16,034 [angelic music] 136 00:06:16,034 --> 00:06:17,655 Oh my God. How did you... 137 00:06:17,655 --> 00:06:19,862 Please, bitch. I'm Madonna. 138 00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:21,379 [film beep] 139 00:06:21,379 --> 00:06:23,862 I'm always striving to evolve at breakneck speed. 140 00:06:23,862 --> 00:06:26,000 Just like in my "Ray of Light" video. 141 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,862 So today I visited my analyst. 142 00:06:32,172 --> 00:06:33,034 [Jackie] What is this? 143 00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:34,275 Just read it. 144 00:06:34,275 --> 00:06:35,758 - But documentaries don't have scripts. 145 00:06:35,758 --> 00:06:37,000 Besides, I'm a doctor. 146 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,103 So ethically and legally I can't do this. 147 00:06:39,103 --> 00:06:40,551 I'll triple your daily rate. 148 00:06:40,551 --> 00:06:41,551 [cash register rings] 149 00:06:41,551 --> 00:06:43,931 Hey, you're no one's bitch! 150 00:06:43,931 --> 00:06:47,517 And don't you let anyone hang their shit on you. 151 00:06:47,517 --> 00:06:48,862 Did you get that? 152 00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:51,758 - Also, Lola should text you back more often, 153 00:06:51,758 --> 00:06:53,862 Rocco's stepmom is basic, 154 00:06:53,862 --> 00:06:56,241 And you invented Bob the Drag Queen? 155 00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:58,413 - Just make sure you jostle the camera. Okay? 156 00:06:58,413 --> 00:06:59,655 I want it to look realistic. 157 00:06:59,655 --> 00:07:01,172 [film beep] Dr. Jackie, 158 00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:03,000 show us how you give head. 159 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,103 - What? - With this telephone. 160 00:07:05,103 --> 00:07:08,241 [gagging] 161 00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:10,620 - [film beep] - And Yahweh said to Elijah, 162 00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:15,586 "Go towards the tree of life and greet your serpent shadow." 163 00:07:16,586 --> 00:07:18,206 - You're sitting on my nameplate. 164 00:07:19,827 --> 00:07:21,344 I don't feel anything. 165 00:07:21,344 --> 00:07:24,862 [film beep] Note to self: Celebration tour mood board. 166 00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:28,103 My face decoupaged onto my former body, 167 00:07:28,103 --> 00:07:29,793 and an LED light installation 168 00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,793 of pin the tail on the Neanderthal 169 00:07:31,793 --> 00:07:35,137 with Marjorie Taylor Greene. 170 00:07:35,137 --> 00:07:36,448 Yeah. [film beep] 171 00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:39,482 So this guy said, if I simulate masturbation, 172 00:07:39,482 --> 00:07:41,103 I'll be hauled off to jail. 173 00:07:41,103 --> 00:07:44,448 But I said I wouldn't compromise my artistic integrity. 174 00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:47,068 - So you did the show. - What show? 175 00:07:47,068 --> 00:07:48,931 This was at Trader Joe's last week. 176 00:07:48,931 --> 00:07:51,000 [film beep] This is so healing. 177 00:07:52,103 --> 00:07:55,482 - Shh. Shh. - No one tells me 178 00:07:55,482 --> 00:07:56,758 to shut up. [film beep] 179 00:07:56,758 --> 00:08:01,172 I miss you so much. I'll always love you. 180 00:08:02,862 --> 00:08:05,586 That's it. Get it all out. 181 00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:09,137 She'll always be your mommy. 182 00:08:09,137 --> 00:08:13,206 - Mommy? These are the ashes of my acting career. 183 00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:18,172 "Swept Away," "Body of Evidence," 184 00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:21,000 "Shanghai Surprise." 185 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000 [coughing] 186 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,517 - Oh no. These are the magic mushrooms 187 00:08:29,517 --> 00:08:32,034 my ex-boyfriend gave me. 188 00:08:32,034 --> 00:08:34,896 Get ready to trip balls. 189 00:08:34,896 --> 00:08:39,551 - [laughing] - [coughing] 190 00:08:41,793 --> 00:08:43,517 Hey, who the hell are you? 191 00:08:43,517 --> 00:08:44,827 - [R&B music] - [Vocalist] Here we go. 192 00:08:44,827 --> 00:08:46,724 I'm comedian Julie Brown. 193 00:08:46,724 --> 00:08:48,206 And if you're stupid enough 194 00:08:48,206 --> 00:08:49,896 - to make "Truth or Dare Two," - Here we go. 195 00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,793 - Then I'm gonna rip you a new one. 196 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:55,137 Get ready for Medusa, bitches. 197 00:08:57,310 --> 00:08:59,172 You know, it's really pathetic 198 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,758 to make a living impersonating 199 00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:03,413 other people. Get a life. 200 00:09:03,413 --> 00:09:07,379 [musical riff] [door slamming] 201 00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:11,103 - [cell phone ringing] - This is Dr. Jackie. 202 00:09:11,103 --> 00:09:14,413 Are you paying for the premium call anytime option? 203 00:09:14,413 --> 00:09:18,758 - Oh yeah, I think so. My code word is pastrami. 204 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:21,724 - Oh, hi Murray Hill. How can I help you? 205 00:09:21,724 --> 00:09:23,586 As you know, I'm a regular 206 00:09:23,586 --> 00:09:27,310 on the small big HBO show, "Somebody Somewhere." 207 00:09:27,310 --> 00:09:31,034 - Oh yes, congratulations. I wish I was on a TV show. 208 00:09:31,034 --> 00:09:33,310 - I don't mean to complain, but working 209 00:09:33,310 --> 00:09:38,034 with Bridget Everett, it is a pain in the ass. 210 00:09:38,034 --> 00:09:40,827 - Oh really? She seems so fun and easygoing. 211 00:09:40,827 --> 00:09:43,551 - She is. She's fun with, with everybody else 212 00:09:43,551 --> 00:09:46,241 but me. I don't know, I feel like maybe it's 213 00:09:46,241 --> 00:09:48,034 because we've known each other forever, 214 00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:50,862 but she is working my last nerve. She is 215 00:09:50,862 --> 00:09:51,689 a big... [call waiting beep] 216 00:09:51,689 --> 00:09:52,862 Oh, I'm sorry Murray. 217 00:09:52,862 --> 00:09:55,034 I have another premium patient calling 218 00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:56,689 and if I don't answer it right away, 219 00:09:56,689 --> 00:09:59,379 they might demand a refund. 220 00:09:59,379 --> 00:10:00,586 Be right back. 221 00:10:00,586 --> 00:10:03,827 Dr. Jackie. How may I heal you? 222 00:10:03,827 --> 00:10:07,241 - Oh, that's cute. How may I heal you? Is that new? 223 00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:08,241 Oh, hey Bridget. 224 00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,068 Yes. Do you like it? 225 00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,758 - I love it. - Yay. 226 00:10:11,758 --> 00:10:15,724 So let the healing begin. What's up girl? 227 00:10:15,724 --> 00:10:18,137 - Well, Jackie, as you know, I'm the star 228 00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,862 of HBO's show "Somebody Somewhere". 229 00:10:19,862 --> 00:10:22,310 - Yes. I love it. Congratulations. 230 00:10:22,310 --> 00:10:24,241 I wish I was on a TV show. 231 00:10:24,241 --> 00:10:28,068 - Thank you, Thank you. Now look, I don't mean to complain, 232 00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:30,068 but just between you 233 00:10:30,068 --> 00:10:33,551 and me, my co-star Mr. Murray Hill 234 00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:35,482 is driving me fucking crazy. 235 00:10:35,482 --> 00:10:38,413 - What? But he seems so fun and easygoing. 236 00:10:38,413 --> 00:10:41,275 - He is with everybody else. But I don't know. 237 00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:43,758 Maybe it's because we've been friends for so long. 238 00:10:43,758 --> 00:10:47,068 Sometimes, some days. I just wanna... 239 00:10:47,068 --> 00:10:48,655 You know what? 240 00:10:48,655 --> 00:10:51,310 I think this may actually be kismet because, plot twist, 241 00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:53,068 he's on the other line. 242 00:10:53,068 --> 00:10:54,310 Wait, what? 243 00:10:54,310 --> 00:10:56,034 - Murray Hill and Bridget Everett. 244 00:10:56,034 --> 00:10:58,310 You are now on a conference call. 245 00:10:58,310 --> 00:11:00,310 - Yeah. Hey Bridge. - Hey Murr. 246 00:11:00,310 --> 00:11:02,827 - I think you should each take this opportunity 247 00:11:02,827 --> 00:11:05,655 to clear the air and speak your truth 248 00:11:05,655 --> 00:11:09,000 and tell the other how you really feel. Okay? 249 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,517 - Okay, - Sure. I guess so. 250 00:11:11,896 --> 00:11:13,000 - I enjoy working with you - Oh my God Murr, 251 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,137 - So much baby - I love working with 252 00:11:14,137 --> 00:11:15,344 - You are the greatest - You so much! 253 00:11:15,344 --> 00:11:16,482 - Hey, I love you. - You're my baby boy! 254 00:11:16,482 --> 00:11:17,655 - Your Daddy loves you. - I love you! 255 00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:18,793 - I really do. - Oh, I can't wait 256 00:11:18,793 --> 00:11:19,793 - Murray loves you. - To see you. 257 00:11:19,793 --> 00:11:20,620 - Okay. Bye! - Bye Murr! 258 00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:21,896 [phone beeps] 259 00:11:21,896 --> 00:11:25,965 - [sighs] Everyone in Hollywood is so fake. 260 00:11:25,965 --> 00:11:28,517 - [intercom beep] - Yes, Dr. Jackie? 261 00:11:28,517 --> 00:11:30,275 - Yeah, I just wanted to let you know 262 00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:33,172 how much I enjoy working with you. 263 00:11:33,172 --> 00:11:36,137 [musical flourish] 264 00:11:36,137 --> 00:11:39,000 - Sherry, did you order my lunch to be delivered? 265 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,103 [Sherry] Yes, it's on its way. 266 00:11:41,103 --> 00:11:43,000 - Okay. Because I told you I'm eating lunch 267 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,379 in my office today. 268 00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:46,103 [Sherry] Yes, I know. 269 00:11:46,103 --> 00:11:47,689 Where are you? 270 00:11:47,689 --> 00:11:49,965 I was changing. 271 00:11:49,965 --> 00:11:54,068 - Obviously not into a normal person. 272 00:11:54,068 --> 00:11:57,103 - I told you I was going to Coachella after work today. 273 00:11:57,103 --> 00:11:59,655 - Wait a minute. Who the hell are you? 274 00:11:59,655 --> 00:12:01,206 Oh, my name's Dandelion. 275 00:12:01,206 --> 00:12:03,034 Well, that's my nickname actually. 276 00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:06,275 'Cause I'm a pansexual Leo. You get it? 277 00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:08,551 - No. - Dandelion and I 278 00:12:08,551 --> 00:12:10,068 are going to Coachella together. 279 00:12:10,068 --> 00:12:11,758 - Yeah, babe. And the sooner we get 280 00:12:11,758 --> 00:12:14,413 on the road the better. Because traffic, much 281 00:12:14,413 --> 00:12:17,724 like my ex-boyfriend, can be a real bitch. 282 00:12:17,724 --> 00:12:20,206 I used to date a guy 'cause I'm pansexual. 283 00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:22,517 - Got it. - Got it. 284 00:12:22,517 --> 00:12:24,379 Can I leave early today? 285 00:12:24,379 --> 00:12:26,103 Please, please, please? 286 00:12:26,103 --> 00:12:28,689 Absolutely not, not, not. 287 00:12:28,689 --> 00:12:30,413 You know who's coming in later today 288 00:12:30,413 --> 00:12:32,931 and I need everything to be perfect. 289 00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:35,551 - You have been seeing Meryl Streep for years. 290 00:12:35,551 --> 00:12:37,551 Why do you still get so nervous? 291 00:12:37,551 --> 00:12:40,931 - Because she's the best actress in the history of acting 292 00:12:40,931 --> 00:12:45,344 and the entire planet owes her a giant thank you card signed 293 00:12:45,344 --> 00:12:47,655 by all 8 billion people on the planet 294 00:12:47,655 --> 00:12:49,724 for everything she's done. 295 00:12:49,724 --> 00:12:51,551 Yeah, that's not weird. 296 00:12:51,551 --> 00:12:53,517 [phone ringing] Oh, I'll get it. 297 00:12:55,793 --> 00:12:58,551 - You know, I couldn't help but over hear, you know? 298 00:12:58,551 --> 00:13:01,241 'Cause I'm sitting so close. But you're right. 299 00:13:01,241 --> 00:13:03,310 Meryl Streep is fucking amazing. 300 00:13:03,310 --> 00:13:07,068 - Right? I mean, "Silkwood," "Sophie's Choice," 301 00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:08,482 "Out of Africa," 302 00:13:08,482 --> 00:13:11,103 - "The Devil Wears Prada," "Death Becomes Her," 303 00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:13,344 "Mamma Mia!" two, "Here We Go Again?" 304 00:13:13,344 --> 00:13:15,620 Wow. He really is pansexual. 305 00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,172 Oh yeah. Oh yes. 306 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,827 I just love, love, love that Meryl Streep! 307 00:13:20,827 --> 00:13:23,586 - Meryl canceled. - Oh, I hate, hate, hate her. 308 00:13:23,586 --> 00:13:25,103 So I can leave early? 309 00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,586 Yes. Get out. 310 00:13:26,586 --> 00:13:29,586 Whoa. That is so sweet. 311 00:13:29,586 --> 00:13:31,310 I thought you said she was a raging bitch? 312 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:34,137 - What? - He's just kidding. 313 00:13:34,137 --> 00:13:37,793 Oh, I can't wait to stand in the hot sun all day. 314 00:13:37,793 --> 00:13:40,275 Pay $20 for a bottled water 315 00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:43,517 and shit in an upright fiberglass coffin. 316 00:13:43,517 --> 00:13:47,724 - Why didn't you guys get VIP? - That is VIP. 317 00:13:47,724 --> 00:13:48,551 What? 318 00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,724 - Bye! - Bye. 319 00:13:51,724 --> 00:13:53,620 - See you next week. - What? 320 00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:58,586 [bouncy music] [typewriter keys clicking] 321 00:13:59,448 --> 00:14:02,034 [clearing throat] 322 00:14:02,034 --> 00:14:05,000 - Uh, hi. Are you looking for the ladies' room? 323 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,068 No. 324 00:14:06,068 --> 00:14:07,241 The men's room? 325 00:14:07,241 --> 00:14:08,517 No. 326 00:14:08,517 --> 00:14:10,413 - Well then what the hell are you doing here? 327 00:14:10,413 --> 00:14:11,862 I'm from the temp agency. 328 00:14:11,862 --> 00:14:14,034 I'm filling in for your receptionist, Sherry, 329 00:14:14,034 --> 00:14:16,344 while she's at Coachella. 330 00:14:16,344 --> 00:14:19,310 - You mean Shirley? - No. 331 00:14:19,310 --> 00:14:21,551 - Well, thank you for being here, uh 332 00:14:22,482 --> 00:14:23,724 Bianca. 333 00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,827 - Bianca, now wait just a goddamned minute. 334 00:14:25,827 --> 00:14:27,310 You look really familiar. 335 00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:28,517 Oh, yes. 336 00:14:28,517 --> 00:14:29,689 Perhaps you remember me. 337 00:14:29,689 --> 00:14:31,172 I was here last season, [audience gasping] 338 00:14:31,172 --> 00:14:33,482 I mean last year when I came to you 339 00:14:33,482 --> 00:14:35,793 to try to get my confidence as a man 340 00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:37,206 that I usually experience only 341 00:14:37,206 --> 00:14:39,862 as a drag queen. You remember, right? 342 00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,689 I do. You're the one 343 00:14:41,689 --> 00:14:44,034 that the big drag superstar traveling all 344 00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:48,344 over the world doing shows, sellout shows if I remember 345 00:14:48,344 --> 00:14:50,793 at places like Wembley Arena 346 00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:52,000 and that seats like what? 347 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,586 - 12,500 [gunfighter duel music] 348 00:14:54,586 --> 00:14:57,206 - And you sold it out? - Yes. 349 00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:59,965 - Every seat. - Every seat. 350 00:15:00,896 --> 00:15:01,793 Well, if I'd have known 351 00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:03,620 that wearing way too much makeup 352 00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:07,413 and being a monster bitch could make me a success, 353 00:15:07,413 --> 00:15:09,137 I'd have done it years ago. 354 00:15:09,137 --> 00:15:10,413 [rattlesnake rattles] 355 00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:12,724 Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hmm. 356 00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,724 [hawk screaming] [laughing] 357 00:15:15,724 --> 00:15:18,586 - Hmm. So, tell me what happened? 358 00:15:18,586 --> 00:15:22,068 I mean, how did you go from answering fan mail 359 00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:25,034 to answering my phones? 360 00:15:25,034 --> 00:15:27,241 - Well, you see, - Oh, sorry to interrupt. 361 00:15:27,241 --> 00:15:29,068 I was told I could water your plants during lunch. 362 00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:31,413 - [gasps] Bianca! - Hey Willam! 363 00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:32,689 You two know each other? 364 00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:34,551 - Of course. - Of course. 365 00:15:38,482 --> 00:15:40,310 - What are you doing with that hoe? 366 00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:41,724 - I could ask you the same thing. 367 00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:44,482 - [laughing] - Just kidding. 368 00:15:44,482 --> 00:15:45,689 This is 'cause I also do 369 00:15:45,689 --> 00:15:47,482 all the gardening outside. 370 00:15:47,482 --> 00:15:49,241 Uh, let me get this straight. 371 00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,310 So you water plants in the office 372 00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:54,310 and tend to the outside gardening while in full face 373 00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:56,241 and six inch hooker heels? 374 00:15:56,241 --> 00:15:58,586 - Don't be ridiculous. These are my horticulture heels. 375 00:15:58,586 --> 00:16:00,379 They're barely five inches. 376 00:16:00,379 --> 00:16:02,482 Oh, but enough about my ex. 377 00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:04,379 - So, how do you two know each other? 378 00:16:04,379 --> 00:16:07,655 - Oh, we're both world famous A-list drag stars. 379 00:16:07,655 --> 00:16:11,275 - Well, actually I'm more A-plus, and she's A-minus, 380 00:16:11,275 --> 00:16:12,620 Whatever. 381 00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:13,862 You know what, Willam? 382 00:16:13,862 --> 00:16:15,965 I think Bianca was trying to be nice. 383 00:16:15,965 --> 00:16:19,103 - Said no one ever. - Wait. What do you mean? 384 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,482 - You're a cunt. [cymbals crash] 385 00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:22,275 Okay, what is going on here? 386 00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:24,793 Is there a beef between you two? 387 00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,000 - No. - No. 388 00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,551 - There hasn't been a beef between Bianca 389 00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:30,310 and I since that chub we spit roasted in PV, remember? 390 00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:31,862 You said you weren't going 391 00:16:31,862 --> 00:16:33,275 to mention that, remember? 392 00:16:33,275 --> 00:16:35,310 - Ew. Remember the queso? Ew! - Ugh! 393 00:16:36,448 --> 00:16:37,931 'Kay, so. 394 00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,137 I don't hate Bianca. 395 00:16:39,137 --> 00:16:40,862 This is just how queens talk to each other. 396 00:16:40,862 --> 00:16:43,655 - Right girlfriend! [laughs] Understand, 397 00:16:43,655 --> 00:16:45,827 we're neither girls nor friends, 398 00:16:45,827 --> 00:16:47,172 but as drag queens, we're obligated 399 00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,517 to say that to each other. Mm. 400 00:16:49,517 --> 00:16:51,689 - You know what really confuses me? 401 00:16:51,689 --> 00:16:53,379 - Tags that say one size fits all? 402 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:54,655 [guiro ratchets] 403 00:16:54,655 --> 00:16:56,275 - When people say black is slimming? 404 00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:57,482 [cowbell rings] 405 00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,620 - No, no. How two drag superstars such 406 00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,448 as yourselves ended up 407 00:17:01,448 --> 00:17:05,827 as a temp receptionist and a office plant waterer. 408 00:17:05,827 --> 00:17:07,551 - Oh, it's very simple. You see... 409 00:17:07,551 --> 00:17:12,517 - Hi. [percussive beat] 410 00:17:17,172 --> 00:17:18,620 - Hi Alaska. - Hi Alaska. 411 00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,241 - Hi. Sorry to just barge in like this, 412 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,172 but there was no one at the receptionist desk 413 00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:25,758 and I had to drop off your lunch 414 00:17:25,758 --> 00:17:28,586 that you ordered from the Chow Now app. 415 00:17:28,586 --> 00:17:32,586 - Okay, so you both know this person? 416 00:17:32,586 --> 00:17:33,896 - Of course. - Of course. 417 00:17:33,896 --> 00:17:35,275 I have a podcast with her. 418 00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:36,896 - So you're a drag performer too? 419 00:17:36,896 --> 00:17:40,758 - Yes. My stage name is Alaska Thunderfuck 5,000 420 00:17:40,758 --> 00:17:42,172 from the planet Glamdron. 421 00:17:42,172 --> 00:17:43,620 And we all know each other 422 00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:46,172 from a very well-known reality competition series 423 00:17:46,172 --> 00:17:47,241 about drag. 424 00:17:47,241 --> 00:17:48,862 I won All Stars. 425 00:17:48,862 --> 00:17:53,344 - [chuckles] I won the real show. 426 00:17:53,344 --> 00:17:55,551 - And I was disqualified. [sad violin music] 427 00:17:55,551 --> 00:17:58,379 - Oh, Willam, that must be very hard for you. 428 00:17:58,379 --> 00:17:59,862 - Oh, please. It was the best thing 429 00:17:59,862 --> 00:18:02,275 that ever happened to her. 430 00:18:02,275 --> 00:18:04,965 - Well, I guess that's the world we live in today. 431 00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:08,586 I mean, no publicity is bad publicity, right? 432 00:18:08,586 --> 00:18:10,931 I mean, take a look at Kim Kardashian. 433 00:18:10,931 --> 00:18:14,413 She's mostly famous for that sex scandal. 434 00:18:14,413 --> 00:18:17,620 And these days you can be a complete no-talent 435 00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:19,000 and still be famous. [gunfighter duel music] 436 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,241 And I'm so sorry, Willam. I didn't mean to say 437 00:18:22,241 --> 00:18:26,586 that you are a no-talent. To your face. 438 00:18:26,586 --> 00:18:29,793 [rattlesnake rattles] 439 00:18:29,793 --> 00:18:32,413 - Oh, sorry. You're not usually here during lunch. 440 00:18:32,413 --> 00:18:34,586 I'm just here to empty the trash. 441 00:18:34,586 --> 00:18:38,103 - For the love of Liza, another hideous drag queen 442 00:18:38,103 --> 00:18:40,275 doing a shitty, humiliating job just 443 00:18:40,275 --> 00:18:41,689 to make ends meet? 444 00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:44,482 - Uh, I ain't no fucking drag queen. 445 00:18:44,482 --> 00:18:47,344 Empty your own goddamned trash, bitch. 446 00:18:47,344 --> 00:18:52,310 [horns blare] [queens applauding] 447 00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:56,448 - Alaska. Please, tell me more about yourself. 448 00:18:56,448 --> 00:18:59,965 - Well, I named myself after a strain of marijuana. 449 00:18:59,965 --> 00:19:03,689 And I have many chart topping albums such as "Anus," 450 00:19:03,689 --> 00:19:06,172 "Poundcake," and "Vagina." 451 00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:08,517 - That sounds like Harvey Weinstein's to-do list 452 00:19:08,517 --> 00:19:10,068 back in the day. 453 00:19:10,068 --> 00:19:13,689 - Anyway, I have a whole bunch of really good singles, such 454 00:19:13,689 --> 00:19:16,172 as "If You're Not wearing Nails, You're Not Doing Drag," 455 00:19:16,172 --> 00:19:18,344 "This is My Hair, I Don't Wear Wigs," 456 00:19:18,344 --> 00:19:20,000 and "Your Makeup is Terrible." 457 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:20,827 [audience gasps] 458 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,689 I feel very attacked. 459 00:19:22,689 --> 00:19:25,241 - That's only because we're attacking you. 460 00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:27,551 - I've gone from wearing nothing but leopard print, 461 00:19:27,551 --> 00:19:28,862 I invented that. 462 00:19:28,862 --> 00:19:31,172 - To wearing nothing but the color red. 463 00:19:31,172 --> 00:19:35,034 And now I think my fans really want me to 464 00:19:35,034 --> 00:19:36,620 Commit suicide. 465 00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:38,689 That is not funny! 466 00:19:38,689 --> 00:19:40,000 - [gunfighter duel music] - 12,500 people 467 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,413 in London would disagree. 468 00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:43,517 [guiro ratchets] [hawk screaming] 469 00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:46,551 - As I was saying, my fans really want me 470 00:19:46,551 --> 00:19:50,827 to perform completely nude. 471 00:19:50,827 --> 00:19:52,344 - I just threw up in - I just threw up in 472 00:19:52,344 --> 00:19:53,586 - My mouth a little bit. Jinx! - My mouth a little bit. Jinx! 473 00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:55,310 - You owe me some coke! - You owe me some coke! 474 00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:56,241 Or cake. 475 00:19:56,241 --> 00:19:57,310 Actually, I have poppers. 476 00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:59,517 Oh. Oh, I can't do poppers. 477 00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:02,413 I have to actually use my brain cells to do what I do. 478 00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,655 - It takes brain cells to yell at people? 479 00:20:04,655 --> 00:20:06,413 I just think that touring nude 480 00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,655 would really send a message. 481 00:20:08,655 --> 00:20:10,655 - That you don't have a full length mirror? 482 00:20:10,655 --> 00:20:12,689 - No. - That you'll do 483 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,275 absolutely anything to stay relevant? 484 00:20:14,275 --> 00:20:16,034 No. 485 00:20:16,034 --> 00:20:20,172 That there is no room in this entire world for body shaming. 486 00:20:20,172 --> 00:20:23,206 - Oh. - Oh. 487 00:20:23,206 --> 00:20:24,896 Body shaming? 488 00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:26,000 [tires screeching] 489 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,482 Lemme explain something to you, honey. 490 00:20:27,482 --> 00:20:29,655 Skinny people are not allowed 491 00:20:29,655 --> 00:20:32,241 to use the phrase body shaming. 492 00:20:32,241 --> 00:20:33,517 But... 493 00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:36,344 - Yes, but. And until you have a big fat one 494 00:20:36,344 --> 00:20:37,862 like I do, I don't want 495 00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:41,137 to hear you bitching and moaning about body shaming. 496 00:20:42,344 --> 00:20:46,310 Now what I wanna know is why you three 497 00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:49,965 drag superstars are doing in 498 00:20:49,965 --> 00:20:53,000 these, you know, horrible, embarrassing, 499 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,689 pathetic, menial jobs? 500 00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:58,034 And no offense to anyone who has, you know, 501 00:20:58,034 --> 00:21:00,517 a pathetic, menial, horrible job. 502 00:21:00,517 --> 00:21:03,931 - Haven't you heard? Doing drag shows now is illegal. 503 00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,413 What? 504 00:21:05,413 --> 00:21:07,551 - Yeah. We have to take any old job that we can get. 505 00:21:07,551 --> 00:21:09,379 Yeah. Yesterday I worked at 506 00:21:09,379 --> 00:21:11,724 that pretzel kiosk in the mall. 507 00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:17,586 - Sorry, I haven't watched the news since like 9/11. 508 00:21:17,586 --> 00:21:19,724 Why are drag shows illegal? 509 00:21:19,724 --> 00:21:20,793 - [fart noise] - [Director] Cut. 510 00:21:20,793 --> 00:21:23,103 - [film beep] - Oh, sorry you guys. 511 00:21:23,103 --> 00:21:24,310 I just farted. 512 00:21:24,310 --> 00:21:25,482 No shit! 513 00:21:25,482 --> 00:21:27,413 - [Alaska] Fingers crossed there's no shit. 514 00:21:27,413 --> 00:21:28,586 [Bianca] Oh yeah. 515 00:21:28,586 --> 00:21:29,482 - [Willam] That sounded like a juicy one. 516 00:21:29,482 --> 00:21:30,724 [Bianca] It really did. 517 00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:31,896 - I'm sorry. Can we take that again? 518 00:21:31,896 --> 00:21:34,241 [film beep] 519 00:21:34,241 --> 00:21:37,689 [Clapper Loader] Dr. Jackie, Drag is Illegal. Take two. 520 00:21:37,689 --> 00:21:39,137 [clapper snaps] [bell rings] 521 00:21:39,137 --> 00:21:41,068 [Director] And action. 522 00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:44,965 - I'm sorry, I haven't watched the news since like 9/11. 523 00:21:44,965 --> 00:21:46,620 Why is drag illegal? 524 00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:48,620 - Because some people are closed-minded. 525 00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:52,482 - Because some people are so judgmental 526 00:21:52,482 --> 00:21:54,896 - Because all drag queens are pedophiles. 527 00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,068 What? 528 00:21:56,068 --> 00:21:58,931 - [group] Just kidding! [group laughing] 529 00:21:58,931 --> 00:22:00,758 - We're joking with you. I'm pulling your leg. 530 00:22:00,758 --> 00:22:02,758 - Does anybody want some kung pao chicken? 531 00:22:02,758 --> 00:22:05,137 I've suddenly lost my appetite. 532 00:22:06,103 --> 00:22:07,620 Just kidding! [drum sting] 533 00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:10,310 [group laughing] 534 00:22:11,275 --> 00:22:14,724 [theme music outro] 535 00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:19,344 - Hi Dr. Jackie. It's me, Jane Wiedland of the Go-Go's. 536 00:22:19,344 --> 00:22:22,655 I wanted you to know I took your advice 537 00:22:22,655 --> 00:22:25,344 and I quit the band and I've started 538 00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:30,310 a Christian worship band called the God Gods. 539 00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:34,655 Our big hit "Our Lips are Sealed, 540 00:22:34,655 --> 00:22:38,482 These Lips and Those Lips" are charting 541 00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:39,793 in the Christian charts. 542 00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:41,827 I'm so happy I took your advice! 543 00:22:41,827 --> 00:22:45,172 I couldn't have done it without you. 544 00:22:45,172 --> 00:22:46,448 Praise Jebus! 545 00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:51,048 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 40434

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.