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[pop music]
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♪ She was unemployed, unhappy
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00:00:04,275 --> 00:00:05,655
♪ She had no cash
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00:00:05,655 --> 00:00:06,862
♪ Pretending to be classy
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♪ But just poor white trash
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00:00:08,655 --> 00:00:10,000
♪ The tragic but true fact is
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♪ A bitter aging
actress whose agent ♪
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♪ Just recently dropped her
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♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap boxed wine ♪
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♪ 'Till she took a bogus
class while at home online ♪
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♪ Finished fast
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♪ Came in last
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00:00:21,379 --> 00:00:22,724
♪ Barely passed
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00:00:22,724 --> 00:00:26,034
♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪
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♪ Who would've guessed
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♪ That this phony would treat
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♪ The craziest of
the showbiz elite ♪
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♪ And now the only
thing more distant ♪
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♪ And more scary is
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♪ Her slutty blonde assistant
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♪ That dumb whore Sherry
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♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪
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♪ It's Dr. Jackie
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♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist. ♪
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[gentle electronic music]
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00:00:55,551 --> 00:00:59,103
- Good morning. Or should
I say happy Halloween?
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00:00:59,103 --> 00:01:01,517
- Very funny.
- No, actually,
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I do not think it's very funny.
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00:01:03,379 --> 00:01:06,172
As a matter of fact, I
think it is unprofessional,
30
00:01:06,172 --> 00:01:09,586
inappropriate, and frankly
just a little desperate.
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00:01:09,586 --> 00:01:11,137
But I do not think it's funny.
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00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:14,413
- Listen, when you told me
that the queen of pop, the one
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and only Madonna Louise Ciccone
was coming into this office
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for an emergency session,
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I don't know what
happened to me.
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00:01:23,034 --> 00:01:25,586
- I do. You obviously
went bonkers.
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00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,862
- Okay, I will apologize
for a lot of things,
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but I will not apologize for
being bonkers about Madonna.
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Okay, don't you think you're
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00:01:34,275 --> 00:01:35,758
going a little overboard?
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00:01:35,758 --> 00:01:38,551
- Don't you think you're
going a little under board?
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00:01:38,551 --> 00:01:40,862
- Okay. That's not
something people say.
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00:01:40,862 --> 00:01:42,862
You have to understand.
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Madonna made me the
person I am today.
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Please do not tell her that.
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- I just wanna look her in the
eye and tell her how fearless
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00:01:52,689 --> 00:01:56,344
and courageous she is and
how the entire world owes her
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a huge thank you card signed
by all 8 billion people
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for everything she's done.
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00:02:02,586 --> 00:02:04,965
- Yeah, that's not weird.
- Right?
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00:02:06,448 --> 00:02:08,103
Then you promise to change?
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- I promise.
- Okay.
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00:02:09,896 --> 00:02:12,586
[footsteps sounding]
[doorbell ringing]
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00:02:12,586 --> 00:02:15,586
- Oh my fucking God!
That's her! Oh. Oh.
55
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,275
Like a virgin, like
a prayer, vlog!
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[items crashing]
[cat meowing]
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00:02:22,103 --> 00:02:23,896
Causing a commotion?
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00:02:25,275 --> 00:02:30,241
[upbeat music]
[typewriter keys clicking]
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00:02:31,482 --> 00:02:32,758
First of all, I would
like to just apologize
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00:02:32,758 --> 00:02:35,275
for the behavior of my
receptionist out there.
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00:02:35,275 --> 00:02:39,482
- Well, I'd like to
apologize for my bodyguard
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00:02:39,482 --> 00:02:42,482
for shooting her with
that tranquilizer gun.
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00:02:42,482 --> 00:02:47,448
- What should I call
you? Madonna, Madge, M?
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I'm not hung up on that shit.
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00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:54,586
We could do. She
hath invented talent.
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00:02:55,793 --> 00:02:58,344
Okay, just use the first
letter of every word.
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00:02:58,344 --> 00:03:01,689
You know how in when
they say goat, it's
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00:03:01,689 --> 00:03:04,206
for the greatest of
all time? Just do that.
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00:03:04,206 --> 00:03:09,172
- Okay? She hath
invented talent.
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00:03:10,206 --> 00:03:12,000
- Yeah.
- That spells shit.
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00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,000
- Listen, if I wanted
to be called shit,
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I'd still be hanging
out with Sean Penn
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or Guy Ritchie or
Sandra Bernhardt.
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00:03:20,310 --> 00:03:21,344
Let me just first say
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00:03:21,344 --> 00:03:23,896
that I am a huge fan of yours.
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00:03:23,896 --> 00:03:26,413
- Listen, I'm not
paying $500 an hour
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00:03:26,413 --> 00:03:29,000
to have someone
kiss my black ass.
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00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:33,965
- Good to know. So,
Madonna, why are you here?
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00:03:35,137 --> 00:03:36,655
- Finally! That took
longer than me getting
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00:03:36,655 --> 00:03:40,689
over the fact that in
1996, I was not nominated
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00:03:40,689 --> 00:03:44,482
for my groundbreaking
performance in the titular role
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00:03:44,482 --> 00:03:47,827
of Evita for an Academy Award.
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00:03:47,827 --> 00:03:52,000
And if you so much his giggle
at the expression titular,
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00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,413
I will smack you harder
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00:03:53,413 --> 00:03:57,034
than I smacked my best friend
Debbie Mazar the morning
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00:03:57,034 --> 00:04:01,068
those misogynistic
nominations came out.
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00:04:01,068 --> 00:04:04,413
- Oh my God, you crazy bitch,
why the fuck are you here?
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00:04:04,413 --> 00:04:07,000
I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
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00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:10,413
- No, that's exactly the way
I want you to talk to me.
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00:04:10,413 --> 00:04:11,241
[playful music]
See, even when
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00:04:11,241 --> 00:04:12,793
it comes to therapy,
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00:04:12,793 --> 00:04:14,931
I like it a little rough.
[whip cracking]
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00:04:14,931 --> 00:04:17,482
- Oh, well, I mean, I'm sorry,
but I think you should know
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00:04:17,482 --> 00:04:19,448
that really goes
against my nature.
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00:04:19,448 --> 00:04:21,137
- What if I doubled
your hourly rate?
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00:04:21,137 --> 00:04:23,137
- [cash register ringing]
- Get to the point, cunt.
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00:04:23,137 --> 00:04:25,379
I'm here because I was working
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00:04:25,379 --> 00:04:29,206
on the screenplay
of my life story.
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00:04:29,206 --> 00:04:33,379
And as you no doubt know,
it was indefinitely shelved.
100
00:04:33,379 --> 00:04:35,586
I believe I read about that.
101
00:04:35,586 --> 00:04:39,068
- How incredibly
soul-destroying it's been
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00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:42,275
to find a co-writer
that I can collaborate
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00:04:42,275 --> 00:04:46,758
with now that Truman
Capote and James Baldwin
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00:04:46,758 --> 00:04:50,241
and Jackie Collins
are no longer with us.
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00:04:50,241 --> 00:04:52,931
I'm sorry for your loss.
106
00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:56,724
- [sobs] So much is
coming up for me.
107
00:04:57,620 --> 00:04:59,482
Well, that's why we're here.
108
00:04:59,482 --> 00:05:04,448
- Yeah. Oh my God. Oh God. Oh
my God. You're really good.
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00:05:05,482 --> 00:05:07,551
You're so good. You're so good.
110
00:05:07,551 --> 00:05:10,965
- Well, I mean, that's why
it says, what does this say?
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00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:14,827
- Durrr Jockey.
- [sighs heavily]
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00:05:16,000 --> 00:05:18,310
- I need to figure
out what's next.
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I wish there was a type of movie
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that didn't require a writer.
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00:05:23,689 --> 00:05:26,275
- There is.
- I can't do full
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00:05:26,275 --> 00:05:30,000
on porn, can I?
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00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,241
- I'm talking about
documentaries.
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00:05:33,931 --> 00:05:35,172
Oh.
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00:05:35,172 --> 00:05:36,310
- And you've already
made one, remember?
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00:05:36,310 --> 00:05:37,241
I'm, I'm old.
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00:05:38,827 --> 00:05:42,310
- It was one of the
most successful things you've ever done.
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00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:44,620
It made like $40 million back
123
00:05:44,620 --> 00:05:47,689
in 1991. "Truth or Dare".
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00:05:47,689 --> 00:05:49,655
Dare. I never tell the truth.
125
00:05:49,655 --> 00:05:52,655
- No, that was the
name of the movie.
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00:05:52,655 --> 00:05:54,965
Oh my God. Do you know
what you should do?
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00:05:54,965 --> 00:05:56,965
You should scrap this
whole life story thing
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00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,620
and just have a camera
crew follow you around
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00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:02,241
and do "Truth or Dare Two".
130
00:06:02,241 --> 00:06:05,103
- Oh my gosh.
- No need to thank me.
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00:06:05,103 --> 00:06:06,724
You know what I should do?
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00:06:06,724 --> 00:06:08,931
I should forget this
whole life story thing
133
00:06:08,931 --> 00:06:11,275
and get a camera crew
to follow me around
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00:06:11,275 --> 00:06:12,758
and film "Truth or Dare Two".
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00:06:12,758 --> 00:06:16,034
[angelic music]
136
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Oh my God. How did you...
137
00:06:17,655 --> 00:06:19,862
Please, bitch. I'm Madonna.
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00:06:19,862 --> 00:06:21,379
[film beep]
139
00:06:21,379 --> 00:06:23,862
I'm always striving to
evolve at breakneck speed.
140
00:06:23,862 --> 00:06:26,000
Just like in my "Ray
of Light" video.
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00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,862
So today I visited my analyst.
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00:06:32,172 --> 00:06:33,034
[Jackie] What is this?
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00:06:33,034 --> 00:06:34,275
Just read it.
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00:06:34,275 --> 00:06:35,758
- But documentaries
don't have scripts.
145
00:06:35,758 --> 00:06:37,000
Besides, I'm a doctor.
146
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,103
So ethically and
legally I can't do this.
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00:06:39,103 --> 00:06:40,551
I'll triple your daily rate.
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00:06:40,551 --> 00:06:41,551
[cash register rings]
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00:06:41,551 --> 00:06:43,931
Hey, you're no one's bitch!
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00:06:43,931 --> 00:06:47,517
And don't you let anyone
hang their shit on you.
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00:06:47,517 --> 00:06:48,862
Did you get that?
152
00:06:48,862 --> 00:06:51,758
- Also, Lola should text
you back more often,
153
00:06:51,758 --> 00:06:53,862
Rocco's stepmom is basic,
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00:06:53,862 --> 00:06:56,241
And you invented
Bob the Drag Queen?
155
00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:58,413
- Just make sure you
jostle the camera. Okay?
156
00:06:58,413 --> 00:06:59,655
I want it to look realistic.
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00:06:59,655 --> 00:07:01,172
[film beep]
Dr. Jackie,
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00:07:01,172 --> 00:07:03,000
show us how you give head.
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00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:05,103
- What?
- With this telephone.
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00:07:05,103 --> 00:07:08,241
[gagging]
161
00:07:08,241 --> 00:07:10,620
- [film beep]
- And Yahweh said to Elijah,
162
00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:15,586
"Go towards the tree of life
and greet your serpent shadow."
163
00:07:16,586 --> 00:07:18,206
- You're sitting
on my nameplate.
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00:07:19,827 --> 00:07:21,344
I don't feel anything.
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00:07:21,344 --> 00:07:24,862
[film beep] Note to self:
Celebration tour mood board.
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00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:28,103
My face decoupaged
onto my former body,
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00:07:28,103 --> 00:07:29,793
and an LED light installation
168
00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,793
of pin the tail
on the Neanderthal
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00:07:31,793 --> 00:07:35,137
with Marjorie Taylor Greene.
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00:07:35,137 --> 00:07:36,448
Yeah.
[film beep]
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00:07:36,448 --> 00:07:39,482
So this guy said, if I
simulate masturbation,
172
00:07:39,482 --> 00:07:41,103
I'll be hauled off to jail.
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00:07:41,103 --> 00:07:44,448
But I said I wouldn't compromise
my artistic integrity.
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00:07:44,448 --> 00:07:47,068
- So you did the show.
- What show?
175
00:07:47,068 --> 00:07:48,931
This was at Trader
Joe's last week.
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00:07:48,931 --> 00:07:51,000
[film beep]
This is so healing.
177
00:07:52,103 --> 00:07:55,482
- Shh. Shh.
- No one tells me
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00:07:55,482 --> 00:07:56,758
to shut up.
[film beep]
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00:07:56,758 --> 00:08:01,172
I miss you so much.
I'll always love you.
180
00:08:02,862 --> 00:08:05,586
That's it. Get it all out.
181
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:09,137
She'll always be your mommy.
182
00:08:09,137 --> 00:08:13,206
- Mommy? These are the
ashes of my acting career.
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00:08:13,206 --> 00:08:18,172
"Swept Away,"
"Body of Evidence,"
184
00:08:18,965 --> 00:08:21,000
"Shanghai Surprise."
185
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,000
[coughing]
186
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,517
- Oh no. These are
the magic mushrooms
187
00:08:29,517 --> 00:08:32,034
my ex-boyfriend gave me.
188
00:08:32,034 --> 00:08:34,896
Get ready to trip balls.
189
00:08:34,896 --> 00:08:39,551
- [laughing]
- [coughing]
190
00:08:41,793 --> 00:08:43,517
Hey, who the hell are you?
191
00:08:43,517 --> 00:08:44,827
- [R&B music]
- [Vocalist] Here we go.
192
00:08:44,827 --> 00:08:46,724
I'm comedian Julie Brown.
193
00:08:46,724 --> 00:08:48,206
And if you're stupid enough
194
00:08:48,206 --> 00:08:49,896
- to make "Truth or Dare Two,"
- Here we go.
195
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:52,793
- Then I'm gonna
rip you a new one.
196
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:55,137
Get ready for Medusa, bitches.
197
00:08:57,310 --> 00:08:59,172
You know, it's really pathetic
198
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:00,758
to make a living impersonating
199
00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:03,413
other people. Get a life.
200
00:09:03,413 --> 00:09:07,379
[musical riff]
[door slamming]
201
00:09:07,379 --> 00:09:11,103
- [cell phone ringing]
- This is Dr. Jackie.
202
00:09:11,103 --> 00:09:14,413
Are you paying for the
premium call anytime option?
203
00:09:14,413 --> 00:09:18,758
- Oh yeah, I think so.
My code word is pastrami.
204
00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:21,724
- Oh, hi Murray Hill.
How can I help you?
205
00:09:21,724 --> 00:09:23,586
As you know, I'm a regular
206
00:09:23,586 --> 00:09:27,310
on the small big HBO show,
"Somebody Somewhere."
207
00:09:27,310 --> 00:09:31,034
- Oh yes, congratulations.
I wish I was on a TV show.
208
00:09:31,034 --> 00:09:33,310
- I don't mean to
complain, but working
209
00:09:33,310 --> 00:09:38,034
with Bridget Everett,
it is a pain in the ass.
210
00:09:38,034 --> 00:09:40,827
- Oh really? She seems
so fun and easygoing.
211
00:09:40,827 --> 00:09:43,551
- She is. She's fun
with, with everybody else
212
00:09:43,551 --> 00:09:46,241
but me. I don't know,
I feel like maybe it's
213
00:09:46,241 --> 00:09:48,034
because we've known
each other forever,
214
00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:50,862
but she is working
my last nerve. She is
215
00:09:50,862 --> 00:09:51,689
a big...
[call waiting beep]
216
00:09:51,689 --> 00:09:52,862
Oh, I'm sorry Murray.
217
00:09:52,862 --> 00:09:55,034
I have another premium
patient calling
218
00:09:55,034 --> 00:09:56,689
and if I don't
answer it right away,
219
00:09:56,689 --> 00:09:59,379
they might demand a refund.
220
00:09:59,379 --> 00:10:00,586
Be right back.
221
00:10:00,586 --> 00:10:03,827
Dr. Jackie. How may I heal you?
222
00:10:03,827 --> 00:10:07,241
- Oh, that's cute. How may
I heal you? Is that new?
223
00:10:07,241 --> 00:10:08,241
Oh, hey Bridget.
224
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,068
Yes. Do you like it?
225
00:10:10,068 --> 00:10:11,758
- I love it.
- Yay.
226
00:10:11,758 --> 00:10:15,724
So let the healing
begin. What's up girl?
227
00:10:15,724 --> 00:10:18,137
- Well, Jackie, as
you know, I'm the star
228
00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,862
of HBO's show
"Somebody Somewhere".
229
00:10:19,862 --> 00:10:22,310
- Yes. I love it.
Congratulations.
230
00:10:22,310 --> 00:10:24,241
I wish I was on a TV show.
231
00:10:24,241 --> 00:10:28,068
- Thank you, Thank you. Now
look, I don't mean to complain,
232
00:10:28,068 --> 00:10:30,068
but just between you
233
00:10:30,068 --> 00:10:33,551
and me, my co-star
Mr. Murray Hill
234
00:10:33,551 --> 00:10:35,482
is driving me fucking crazy.
235
00:10:35,482 --> 00:10:38,413
- What? But he seems
so fun and easygoing.
236
00:10:38,413 --> 00:10:41,275
- He is with everybody
else. But I don't know.
237
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:43,758
Maybe it's because we've
been friends for so long.
238
00:10:43,758 --> 00:10:47,068
Sometimes, some
days. I just wanna...
239
00:10:47,068 --> 00:10:48,655
You know what?
240
00:10:48,655 --> 00:10:51,310
I think this may actually be
kismet because, plot twist,
241
00:10:51,310 --> 00:10:53,068
he's on the other line.
242
00:10:53,068 --> 00:10:54,310
Wait, what?
243
00:10:54,310 --> 00:10:56,034
- Murray Hill and
Bridget Everett.
244
00:10:56,034 --> 00:10:58,310
You are now on a
conference call.
245
00:10:58,310 --> 00:11:00,310
- Yeah. Hey Bridge.
- Hey Murr.
246
00:11:00,310 --> 00:11:02,827
- I think you should each
take this opportunity
247
00:11:02,827 --> 00:11:05,655
to clear the air
and speak your truth
248
00:11:05,655 --> 00:11:09,000
and tell the other how
you really feel. Okay?
249
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,517
- Okay,
- Sure. I guess so.
250
00:11:11,896 --> 00:11:13,000
- I enjoy working with you
- Oh my God Murr,
251
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,137
- So much baby
- I love working with
252
00:11:14,137 --> 00:11:15,344
- You are the greatest
- You so much!
253
00:11:15,344 --> 00:11:16,482
- Hey, I love you.
- You're my baby boy!
254
00:11:16,482 --> 00:11:17,655
- Your Daddy loves you.
- I love you!
255
00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:18,793
- I really do.
- Oh, I can't wait
256
00:11:18,793 --> 00:11:19,793
- Murray loves you.
- To see you.
257
00:11:19,793 --> 00:11:20,620
- Okay. Bye!
- Bye Murr!
258
00:11:20,620 --> 00:11:21,896
[phone beeps]
259
00:11:21,896 --> 00:11:25,965
- [sighs] Everyone in
Hollywood is so fake.
260
00:11:25,965 --> 00:11:28,517
- [intercom beep]
- Yes, Dr. Jackie?
261
00:11:28,517 --> 00:11:30,275
- Yeah, I just wanted
to let you know
262
00:11:30,275 --> 00:11:33,172
how much I enjoy
working with you.
263
00:11:33,172 --> 00:11:36,137
[musical flourish]
264
00:11:36,137 --> 00:11:39,000
- Sherry, did you order
my lunch to be delivered?
265
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,103
[Sherry] Yes, it's on its way.
266
00:11:41,103 --> 00:11:43,000
- Okay. Because I told
you I'm eating lunch
267
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,379
in my office today.
268
00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:46,103
[Sherry] Yes, I know.
269
00:11:46,103 --> 00:11:47,689
Where are you?
270
00:11:47,689 --> 00:11:49,965
I was changing.
271
00:11:49,965 --> 00:11:54,068
- Obviously not into
a normal person.
272
00:11:54,068 --> 00:11:57,103
- I told you I was going to
Coachella after work today.
273
00:11:57,103 --> 00:11:59,655
- Wait a minute. Who
the hell are you?
274
00:11:59,655 --> 00:12:01,206
Oh, my name's Dandelion.
275
00:12:01,206 --> 00:12:03,034
Well, that's my
nickname actually.
276
00:12:03,034 --> 00:12:06,275
'Cause I'm a pansexual
Leo. You get it?
277
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:08,551
- No.
- Dandelion and I
278
00:12:08,551 --> 00:12:10,068
are going to Coachella together.
279
00:12:10,068 --> 00:12:11,758
- Yeah, babe. And
the sooner we get
280
00:12:11,758 --> 00:12:14,413
on the road the better.
Because traffic, much
281
00:12:14,413 --> 00:12:17,724
like my ex-boyfriend,
can be a real bitch.
282
00:12:17,724 --> 00:12:20,206
I used to date a guy
'cause I'm pansexual.
283
00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:22,517
- Got it.
- Got it.
284
00:12:22,517 --> 00:12:24,379
Can I leave early today?
285
00:12:24,379 --> 00:12:26,103
Please, please, please?
286
00:12:26,103 --> 00:12:28,689
Absolutely not, not, not.
287
00:12:28,689 --> 00:12:30,413
You know who's
coming in later today
288
00:12:30,413 --> 00:12:32,931
and I need everything
to be perfect.
289
00:12:32,931 --> 00:12:35,551
- You have been seeing
Meryl Streep for years.
290
00:12:35,551 --> 00:12:37,551
Why do you still get so nervous?
291
00:12:37,551 --> 00:12:40,931
- Because she's the best
actress in the history of acting
292
00:12:40,931 --> 00:12:45,344
and the entire planet owes her
a giant thank you card signed
293
00:12:45,344 --> 00:12:47,655
by all 8 billion
people on the planet
294
00:12:47,655 --> 00:12:49,724
for everything she's done.
295
00:12:49,724 --> 00:12:51,551
Yeah, that's not weird.
296
00:12:51,551 --> 00:12:53,517
[phone ringing]
Oh, I'll get it.
297
00:12:55,793 --> 00:12:58,551
- You know, I couldn't help
but over hear, you know?
298
00:12:58,551 --> 00:13:01,241
'Cause I'm sitting so
close. But you're right.
299
00:13:01,241 --> 00:13:03,310
Meryl Streep is fucking amazing.
300
00:13:03,310 --> 00:13:07,068
- Right? I mean, "Silkwood,"
"Sophie's Choice,"
301
00:13:07,068 --> 00:13:08,482
"Out of Africa,"
302
00:13:08,482 --> 00:13:11,103
- "The Devil Wears Prada,"
"Death Becomes Her,"
303
00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:13,344
"Mamma Mia!" two,
"Here We Go Again?"
304
00:13:13,344 --> 00:13:15,620
Wow. He really is pansexual.
305
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,172
Oh yeah. Oh yes.
306
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:20,827
I just love, love,
love that Meryl Streep!
307
00:13:20,827 --> 00:13:23,586
- Meryl canceled.
- Oh, I hate, hate, hate her.
308
00:13:23,586 --> 00:13:25,103
So I can leave early?
309
00:13:25,103 --> 00:13:26,586
Yes. Get out.
310
00:13:26,586 --> 00:13:29,586
Whoa. That is so sweet.
311
00:13:29,586 --> 00:13:31,310
I thought you said she
was a raging bitch?
312
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:34,137
- What?
- He's just kidding.
313
00:13:34,137 --> 00:13:37,793
Oh, I can't wait to stand
in the hot sun all day.
314
00:13:37,793 --> 00:13:40,275
Pay $20 for a bottled water
315
00:13:40,275 --> 00:13:43,517
and shit in an upright
fiberglass coffin.
316
00:13:43,517 --> 00:13:47,724
- Why didn't you guys get VIP?
- That is VIP.
317
00:13:47,724 --> 00:13:48,551
What?
318
00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,724
- Bye!
- Bye.
319
00:13:51,724 --> 00:13:53,620
- See you next week.
- What?
320
00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:58,586
[bouncy music]
[typewriter keys clicking]
321
00:13:59,448 --> 00:14:02,034
[clearing throat]
322
00:14:02,034 --> 00:14:05,000
- Uh, hi. Are you looking
for the ladies' room?
323
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,068
No.
324
00:14:06,068 --> 00:14:07,241
The men's room?
325
00:14:07,241 --> 00:14:08,517
No.
326
00:14:08,517 --> 00:14:10,413
- Well then what the
hell are you doing here?
327
00:14:10,413 --> 00:14:11,862
I'm from the temp agency.
328
00:14:11,862 --> 00:14:14,034
I'm filling in for your
receptionist, Sherry,
329
00:14:14,034 --> 00:14:16,344
while she's at Coachella.
330
00:14:16,344 --> 00:14:19,310
- You mean Shirley?
- No.
331
00:14:19,310 --> 00:14:21,551
- Well, thank you
for being here, uh
332
00:14:22,482 --> 00:14:23,724
Bianca.
333
00:14:23,724 --> 00:14:25,827
- Bianca, now wait just
a goddamned minute.
334
00:14:25,827 --> 00:14:27,310
You look really familiar.
335
00:14:27,310 --> 00:14:28,517
Oh, yes.
336
00:14:28,517 --> 00:14:29,689
Perhaps you remember me.
337
00:14:29,689 --> 00:14:31,172
I was here last season,
[audience gasping]
338
00:14:31,172 --> 00:14:33,482
I mean last year
when I came to you
339
00:14:33,482 --> 00:14:35,793
to try to get my
confidence as a man
340
00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:37,206
that I usually experience only
341
00:14:37,206 --> 00:14:39,862
as a drag queen.
You remember, right?
342
00:14:39,862 --> 00:14:41,689
I do. You're the one
343
00:14:41,689 --> 00:14:44,034
that the big drag
superstar traveling all
344
00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:48,344
over the world doing shows,
sellout shows if I remember
345
00:14:48,344 --> 00:14:50,793
at places like Wembley Arena
346
00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:52,000
and that seats like what?
347
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,586
- 12,500
[gunfighter duel music]
348
00:14:54,586 --> 00:14:57,206
- And you sold it out?
- Yes.
349
00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:59,965
- Every seat.
- Every seat.
350
00:15:00,896 --> 00:15:01,793
Well, if I'd have known
351
00:15:01,793 --> 00:15:03,620
that wearing way too much makeup
352
00:15:03,620 --> 00:15:07,413
and being a monster bitch
could make me a success,
353
00:15:07,413 --> 00:15:09,137
I'd have done it years ago.
354
00:15:09,137 --> 00:15:10,413
[rattlesnake rattles]
355
00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:12,724
Coulda, shoulda, woulda. Hmm.
356
00:15:12,724 --> 00:15:15,724
[hawk screaming]
[laughing]
357
00:15:15,724 --> 00:15:18,586
- Hmm. So, tell
me what happened?
358
00:15:18,586 --> 00:15:22,068
I mean, how did you go
from answering fan mail
359
00:15:22,068 --> 00:15:25,034
to answering my phones?
360
00:15:25,034 --> 00:15:27,241
- Well, you see,
- Oh, sorry to interrupt.
361
00:15:27,241 --> 00:15:29,068
I was told I could water
your plants during lunch.
362
00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:31,413
- [gasps] Bianca!
- Hey Willam!
363
00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:32,689
You two know each other?
364
00:15:33,620 --> 00:15:34,551
- Of course.
- Of course.
365
00:15:38,482 --> 00:15:40,310
- What are you
doing with that hoe?
366
00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:41,724
- I could ask you
the same thing.
367
00:15:41,724 --> 00:15:44,482
- [laughing]
- Just kidding.
368
00:15:44,482 --> 00:15:45,689
This is 'cause I also do
369
00:15:45,689 --> 00:15:47,482
all the gardening outside.
370
00:15:47,482 --> 00:15:49,241
Uh, let me get this straight.
371
00:15:49,241 --> 00:15:51,310
So you water plants
in the office
372
00:15:51,310 --> 00:15:54,310
and tend to the outside
gardening while in full face
373
00:15:54,310 --> 00:15:56,241
and six inch hooker heels?
374
00:15:56,241 --> 00:15:58,586
- Don't be ridiculous. These
are my horticulture heels.
375
00:15:58,586 --> 00:16:00,379
They're barely five inches.
376
00:16:00,379 --> 00:16:02,482
Oh, but enough about my ex.
377
00:16:02,482 --> 00:16:04,379
- So, how do you
two know each other?
378
00:16:04,379 --> 00:16:07,655
- Oh, we're both world
famous A-list drag stars.
379
00:16:07,655 --> 00:16:11,275
- Well, actually I'm more
A-plus, and she's A-minus,
380
00:16:11,275 --> 00:16:12,620
Whatever.
381
00:16:12,620 --> 00:16:13,862
You know what, Willam?
382
00:16:13,862 --> 00:16:15,965
I think Bianca was
trying to be nice.
383
00:16:15,965 --> 00:16:19,103
- Said no one ever.
- Wait. What do you mean?
384
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:20,482
- You're a cunt.
[cymbals crash]
385
00:16:20,482 --> 00:16:22,275
Okay, what is going on here?
386
00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:24,793
Is there a beef between you two?
387
00:16:24,793 --> 00:16:26,000
- No.
- No.
388
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:27,551
- There hasn't been
a beef between Bianca
389
00:16:27,551 --> 00:16:30,310
and I since that chub we
spit roasted in PV, remember?
390
00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:31,862
You said you weren't going
391
00:16:31,862 --> 00:16:33,275
to mention that, remember?
392
00:16:33,275 --> 00:16:35,310
- Ew. Remember the queso? Ew!
- Ugh!
393
00:16:36,448 --> 00:16:37,931
'Kay, so.
394
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,137
I don't hate Bianca.
395
00:16:39,137 --> 00:16:40,862
This is just how queens
talk to each other.
396
00:16:40,862 --> 00:16:43,655
- Right girlfriend!
[laughs] Understand,
397
00:16:43,655 --> 00:16:45,827
we're neither girls nor friends,
398
00:16:45,827 --> 00:16:47,172
but as drag queens,
we're obligated
399
00:16:47,172 --> 00:16:49,517
to say that to each other. Mm.
400
00:16:49,517 --> 00:16:51,689
- You know what
really confuses me?
401
00:16:51,689 --> 00:16:53,379
- Tags that say
one size fits all?
402
00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:54,655
[guiro ratchets]
403
00:16:54,655 --> 00:16:56,275
- When people say
black is slimming?
404
00:16:56,275 --> 00:16:57,482
[cowbell rings]
405
00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:59,620
- No, no. How two
drag superstars such
406
00:16:59,620 --> 00:17:01,448
as yourselves ended up
407
00:17:01,448 --> 00:17:05,827
as a temp receptionist and
a office plant waterer.
408
00:17:05,827 --> 00:17:07,551
- Oh, it's very
simple. You see...
409
00:17:07,551 --> 00:17:12,517
- Hi.
[percussive beat]
410
00:17:17,172 --> 00:17:18,620
- Hi Alaska.
- Hi Alaska.
411
00:17:18,620 --> 00:17:21,241
- Hi. Sorry to just
barge in like this,
412
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,172
but there was no one at
the receptionist desk
413
00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:25,758
and I had to drop off your lunch
414
00:17:25,758 --> 00:17:28,586
that you ordered from
the Chow Now app.
415
00:17:28,586 --> 00:17:32,586
- Okay, so you both
know this person?
416
00:17:32,586 --> 00:17:33,896
- Of course.
- Of course.
417
00:17:33,896 --> 00:17:35,275
I have a podcast with her.
418
00:17:35,275 --> 00:17:36,896
- So you're a drag
performer too?
419
00:17:36,896 --> 00:17:40,758
- Yes. My stage name is
Alaska Thunderfuck 5,000
420
00:17:40,758 --> 00:17:42,172
from the planet Glamdron.
421
00:17:42,172 --> 00:17:43,620
And we all know each other
422
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:46,172
from a very well-known
reality competition series
423
00:17:46,172 --> 00:17:47,241
about drag.
424
00:17:47,241 --> 00:17:48,862
I won All Stars.
425
00:17:48,862 --> 00:17:53,344
- [chuckles] I
won the real show.
426
00:17:53,344 --> 00:17:55,551
- And I was disqualified.
[sad violin music]
427
00:17:55,551 --> 00:17:58,379
- Oh, Willam, that must
be very hard for you.
428
00:17:58,379 --> 00:17:59,862
- Oh, please. It
was the best thing
429
00:17:59,862 --> 00:18:02,275
that ever happened to her.
430
00:18:02,275 --> 00:18:04,965
- Well, I guess that's the
world we live in today.
431
00:18:04,965 --> 00:18:08,586
I mean, no publicity is
bad publicity, right?
432
00:18:08,586 --> 00:18:10,931
I mean, take a look
at Kim Kardashian.
433
00:18:10,931 --> 00:18:14,413
She's mostly famous
for that sex scandal.
434
00:18:14,413 --> 00:18:17,620
And these days you can
be a complete no-talent
435
00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:19,000
and still be famous.
[gunfighter duel music]
436
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:22,241
And I'm so sorry, Willam.
I didn't mean to say
437
00:18:22,241 --> 00:18:26,586
that you are a
no-talent. To your face.
438
00:18:26,586 --> 00:18:29,793
[rattlesnake rattles]
439
00:18:29,793 --> 00:18:32,413
- Oh, sorry. You're not
usually here during lunch.
440
00:18:32,413 --> 00:18:34,586
I'm just here to
empty the trash.
441
00:18:34,586 --> 00:18:38,103
- For the love of Liza,
another hideous drag queen
442
00:18:38,103 --> 00:18:40,275
doing a shitty,
humiliating job just
443
00:18:40,275 --> 00:18:41,689
to make ends meet?
444
00:18:41,689 --> 00:18:44,482
- Uh, I ain't no
fucking drag queen.
445
00:18:44,482 --> 00:18:47,344
Empty your own
goddamned trash, bitch.
446
00:18:47,344 --> 00:18:52,310
[horns blare]
[queens applauding]
447
00:18:53,655 --> 00:18:56,448
- Alaska. Please, tell
me more about yourself.
448
00:18:56,448 --> 00:18:59,965
- Well, I named myself
after a strain of marijuana.
449
00:18:59,965 --> 00:19:03,689
And I have many chart topping
albums such as "Anus,"
450
00:19:03,689 --> 00:19:06,172
"Poundcake," and "Vagina."
451
00:19:06,172 --> 00:19:08,517
- That sounds like Harvey
Weinstein's to-do list
452
00:19:08,517 --> 00:19:10,068
back in the day.
453
00:19:10,068 --> 00:19:13,689
- Anyway, I have a whole bunch
of really good singles, such
454
00:19:13,689 --> 00:19:16,172
as "If You're Not wearing
Nails, You're Not Doing Drag,"
455
00:19:16,172 --> 00:19:18,344
"This is My Hair,
I Don't Wear Wigs,"
456
00:19:18,344 --> 00:19:20,000
and "Your Makeup is Terrible."
457
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:20,827
[audience gasps]
458
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,689
I feel very attacked.
459
00:19:22,689 --> 00:19:25,241
- That's only because
we're attacking you.
460
00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:27,551
- I've gone from wearing
nothing but leopard print,
461
00:19:27,551 --> 00:19:28,862
I invented that.
462
00:19:28,862 --> 00:19:31,172
- To wearing nothing
but the color red.
463
00:19:31,172 --> 00:19:35,034
And now I think my
fans really want me to
464
00:19:35,034 --> 00:19:36,620
Commit suicide.
465
00:19:36,620 --> 00:19:38,689
That is not funny!
466
00:19:38,689 --> 00:19:40,000
- [gunfighter duel music]
- 12,500 people
467
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,413
in London would disagree.
468
00:19:41,413 --> 00:19:43,517
[guiro ratchets]
[hawk screaming]
469
00:19:43,517 --> 00:19:46,551
- As I was saying, my
fans really want me
470
00:19:46,551 --> 00:19:50,827
to perform completely nude.
471
00:19:50,827 --> 00:19:52,344
- I just threw up in
- I just threw up in
472
00:19:52,344 --> 00:19:53,586
- My mouth a little bit. Jinx!
- My mouth a little bit. Jinx!
473
00:19:53,586 --> 00:19:55,310
- You owe me some coke!
- You owe me some coke!
474
00:19:55,310 --> 00:19:56,241
Or cake.
475
00:19:56,241 --> 00:19:57,310
Actually, I have poppers.
476
00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:59,517
Oh. Oh, I can't do poppers.
477
00:19:59,517 --> 00:20:02,413
I have to actually use my
brain cells to do what I do.
478
00:20:02,413 --> 00:20:04,655
- It takes brain cells
to yell at people?
479
00:20:04,655 --> 00:20:06,413
I just think that touring nude
480
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,655
would really send a message.
481
00:20:08,655 --> 00:20:10,655
- That you don't have
a full length mirror?
482
00:20:10,655 --> 00:20:12,689
- No.
- That you'll do
483
00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,275
absolutely anything
to stay relevant?
484
00:20:14,275 --> 00:20:16,034
No.
485
00:20:16,034 --> 00:20:20,172
That there is no room in this
entire world for body shaming.
486
00:20:20,172 --> 00:20:23,206
- Oh.
- Oh.
487
00:20:23,206 --> 00:20:24,896
Body shaming?
488
00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:26,000
[tires screeching]
489
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,482
Lemme explain something
to you, honey.
490
00:20:27,482 --> 00:20:29,655
Skinny people are not allowed
491
00:20:29,655 --> 00:20:32,241
to use the phrase body shaming.
492
00:20:32,241 --> 00:20:33,517
But...
493
00:20:33,517 --> 00:20:36,344
- Yes, but. And until
you have a big fat one
494
00:20:36,344 --> 00:20:37,862
like I do, I don't want
495
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:41,137
to hear you bitching and
moaning about body shaming.
496
00:20:42,344 --> 00:20:46,310
Now what I wanna
know is why you three
497
00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:49,965
drag superstars are doing in
498
00:20:49,965 --> 00:20:53,000
these, you know,
horrible, embarrassing,
499
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,689
pathetic, menial jobs?
500
00:20:55,689 --> 00:20:58,034
And no offense to anyone
who has, you know,
501
00:20:58,034 --> 00:21:00,517
a pathetic, menial,
horrible job.
502
00:21:00,517 --> 00:21:03,931
- Haven't you heard? Doing
drag shows now is illegal.
503
00:21:03,931 --> 00:21:05,413
What?
504
00:21:05,413 --> 00:21:07,551
- Yeah. We have to take any
old job that we can get.
505
00:21:07,551 --> 00:21:09,379
Yeah. Yesterday I worked at
506
00:21:09,379 --> 00:21:11,724
that pretzel kiosk in the mall.
507
00:21:14,620 --> 00:21:17,586
- Sorry, I haven't watched
the news since like 9/11.
508
00:21:17,586 --> 00:21:19,724
Why are drag shows illegal?
509
00:21:19,724 --> 00:21:20,793
- [fart noise]
- [Director] Cut.
510
00:21:20,793 --> 00:21:23,103
- [film beep]
- Oh, sorry you guys.
511
00:21:23,103 --> 00:21:24,310
I just farted.
512
00:21:24,310 --> 00:21:25,482
No shit!
513
00:21:25,482 --> 00:21:27,413
- [Alaska] Fingers
crossed there's no shit.
514
00:21:27,413 --> 00:21:28,586
[Bianca] Oh yeah.
515
00:21:28,586 --> 00:21:29,482
- [Willam] That sounded
like a juicy one.
516
00:21:29,482 --> 00:21:30,724
[Bianca] It really did.
517
00:21:30,724 --> 00:21:31,896
- I'm sorry. Can
we take that again?
518
00:21:31,896 --> 00:21:34,241
[film beep]
519
00:21:34,241 --> 00:21:37,689
[Clapper Loader] Dr. Jackie,
Drag is Illegal. Take two.
520
00:21:37,689 --> 00:21:39,137
[clapper snaps]
[bell rings]
521
00:21:39,137 --> 00:21:41,068
[Director] And action.
522
00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:44,965
- I'm sorry, I haven't watched
the news since like 9/11.
523
00:21:44,965 --> 00:21:46,620
Why is drag illegal?
524
00:21:46,620 --> 00:21:48,620
- Because some people
are closed-minded.
525
00:21:48,620 --> 00:21:52,482
- Because some people
are so judgmental
526
00:21:52,482 --> 00:21:54,896
- Because all drag
queens are pedophiles.
527
00:21:54,896 --> 00:21:56,068
What?
528
00:21:56,068 --> 00:21:58,931
- [group] Just kidding!
[group laughing]
529
00:21:58,931 --> 00:22:00,758
- We're joking with you.
I'm pulling your leg.
530
00:22:00,758 --> 00:22:02,758
- Does anybody want
some kung pao chicken?
531
00:22:02,758 --> 00:22:05,137
I've suddenly lost my appetite.
532
00:22:06,103 --> 00:22:07,620
Just kidding!
[drum sting]
533
00:22:07,620 --> 00:22:10,310
[group laughing]
534
00:22:11,275 --> 00:22:14,724
[theme music outro]
535
00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:19,344
- Hi Dr. Jackie. It's me,
Jane Wiedland of the Go-Go's.
536
00:22:19,344 --> 00:22:22,655
I wanted you to know
I took your advice
537
00:22:22,655 --> 00:22:25,344
and I quit the band
and I've started
538
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:30,310
a Christian worship band
called the God Gods.
539
00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:34,655
Our big hit "Our
Lips are Sealed,
540
00:22:34,655 --> 00:22:38,482
These Lips and Those
Lips" are charting
541
00:22:38,482 --> 00:22:39,793
in the Christian charts.
542
00:22:39,793 --> 00:22:41,827
I'm so happy I took your advice!
543
00:22:41,827 --> 00:22:45,172
I couldn't have
done it without you.
544
00:22:45,172 --> 00:22:46,448
Praise Jebus!
545
00:22:46,498 --> 00:22:51,048
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