Original subtitles

Gentlemen,

Next week's duty Roster for your perusal.

Mnh-mnh. I quit.

Problem, harris?

Barn, you got me on with Inspector luger again.

Wojo has been on with Him for the last few days.

So now it's my turn In the barrel again?

Exactly.

Barney, I'm still Trying to recover

From that stakeout last week.

I mean, 10 hours in a car With the old inspector.

I mean, blowing his Nose every five minutes,

Slurping his coffee.

Barn, making little shadow Puppets on the dashboard.

And telling those same Old morbid stories...

How they gunned down foster, How they blew up kleiner...

They gunned down Kleiner, blew up foster.

Whatever, barn. The Man is not fun to be with.

Harris...

Harris, we work in Teams around here.

Now, the man has to Be on with somebody.

So? Why don't you put Him on with dietrich?

Hey. Whoa.

Hey, come on, arthur, man. Look, just name your price.

- forget it. - gentlemen.

Look, I had him for 10 hours.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen.

Yes, the man can Be grating at times.

However, he has Been assigned here,

And he will be here for, Uh, god knows how long.

It's up to us

To be as tolerant and Understanding as possible.

In here, clyde.

Boy, you're just lucky That foster or kleiner

Never get ahold of you.

Keep a good thought.

What do you got, inspector?

Scum, barney.

How you doing?

Who is this?

Uh, this is felix morrissey.

He tried to hold up a drugstore Over on houston using this.

Must be 100 years old.

Looks like a dueling pistol.

Uh, the clerk wouldn't Take him seriously,

Refused to open the register.

Yeah, the guy wanted Proof that my gun worked.

I mean, I gave him my word.

When we got there, They were still arguing,

And inspector just Walked right up

And grabbed the Gun away from him.

Sure.

He didn't scare me with That sissy little peashooter.

Hey, jack, I don't Make fun of your gun.

Eh!

Harris.

Inspector.

We don't get to see Weapons like this very often.

Where did you get it?

I bought it for 50 bucks.

From whom?

Hey, I can't tell you that.

That's professional ethics.

Well, I'm sure you'll understand Why we have to book you.

Sure.

Okay, plant it over here, punko.

Check out the serial Number of that thing.

Yeah, uh, barn, This thing works.

I mean, I unloaded It myself, and, uh...

Yeah?

Uh... Nothing.

Look, uh, yeah. We'll be right over.

Barney, call from the Police property warehouse.

Barn, we're being robbed.

Wonderful.

Barn, I'm on with dietrich.

Dietrich?

Notice how casually I took that.

I mean, right in stride.

A few years ago,

I would've said "My god!" Or at least "You're kidding."

Sure, barn.

I mean, after Being a cop so long,

I mean, you're bound To become jaded.

Come on, arthur. We got A burglary in progress.

It's the police warehouse.

Holy moly... Us?

Hey, I'm still new.

Uh... Did you watch the Knick game on tv last night?

How could I?

You know my dumont went kaput.

Oh. Right. Sorry.

That's okay, barney.

If anything good comes on,

I can always duck Into the local gin mill

Or else go down, Stand on the sidewalk,

Watch it through the Window of an appliance store.

It's next week's duty roster.

Oh, yeah... "Duty roster."

Seems to me like They're kind of shuffling

The old inspector around pretty Good these days, huh, barney?

I mean, one day with Harris, one day with d.D.

I thought that would Be the way to do it.

This way, if you rotate, Everybody gets a chance.

- ah, a rotation, huh? - yeah.

Kind of makes me feel Like the old, senile uncle,

You know, the family Keeps passing around

From one relative to another,

Until one of them Gets up guts enough

To stick him into a home.

Inspector, that is not the case.

That's what they Did with brownie.

I mean, I wanted to Take him in with me, barn.

Honest to god.

I mean, the plastic tubes And all, but I just couldn't.

Inspector...

I couldn't leave him alone There in the apartment

All day by himself, could I?

What if there's a fire Or earthquake or...

Or the phone rang?

Okay, mr. Osborne, Right in here, please.

I was just cutting Through the red tape.

I'm afraid there may Be more coming up.

Barn, this is Mr. Joseph osborne.

The guys down at property

Caught him coming off the Warehouse loading dock

Carrying that sony in his arms.

I wasn't stealing it.

Of course.

No, he wasn't, barn. It's his.

Huh?

I guess you don't Remember me, captain,

But I was here about A year and a half ago

After my apartment was robbed.

Within a week, your People had caught the thief

And recovered my tv set.

- oh. - but you never gave it back!

Huh?

Barney, apparently, Mr. Osborne had a little difficulty

Reclaiming the set from The property department.

First they said they had to Keep it until after the trial

In case they needed The tv in court.

- that took four months. - yeah, well...

Then they said They had to keep it

Until I got a release From the district attorney.

That took 15 weeks.

Then they tell me They have to hold it

In case the guy who Took it puts in a claim!

It's diabolical!

It is a bit complex, I admit.

And we both know the Reason why, don't we, captain?

No. Why?

It's because all the property That doesn't get claimed

Gets auctioned off,

And your police fund Gets all the money, right?

Well, that is what happens,

But I can assure you it's not Because the police department

Is confiscating private Property for its own benefit.

This thing color?

Look, I can appreciate your Frustration, mr. Osborne,

But that is no reason For breaking and entering.

All I know is now I got my tv back.

Dietrich: guess again.

The serial number on the theft Report doesn't match the tv.

What?

You got the wrong sony.

They all look alike.

What?

I'm afraid you've stolen

Somebody else's Television set, mr. Osborne.

- barn. - yeah.

Uh, I ran down the gun.

It belongs to a collector, But it wasn't on the hot sheet.

No?

No, so I got him Coming down here.

Okay.

Barn?

Yeah?

Uh... It's about Inspector luger.

If you'll check the roster,

You'll see that Harris is on with him.

No, that's not it.

Oh?

You're always trying To get ahead of me.

What is it? What About inspector luger?

Well, it's about the way That he grabbed morrissey

In the drugstore.

Yeah?

I mean, it was something That you had to see.

He just totally Moved in and took over.

Yeah?

I mean, morrissey was Pointing a gun at him

And telling him to stay away,

And luger walked right up to him

And grabbed it by the Barrel and took it from him.

By the barrel?

Yeah. It was like he Was daring him to use it.

What is it you're Trying to say, wojo?

Just that the...

Just that the way he Acted was, you know, like...

Like he wanted to get shot.

Come on, that's ridiculous!

Okay.

I mean, it's just not The way the man is.

He would never do a Thing like that. He's, uh...

Sure, he's been having A tough time of it.

He's depressed Because of his demotion,

But it's not that serious.

Right.

He does have a kind of a...

Preoccupation... With the morbid.

He was talking about Not wanting to...

Go out like brownie, you know.

How he'd prefer a Clean, quick death.

Of course, that's just talk.

Well, I'm glad you Cleared that up.

A year and a half you guys Have kept my tv set locked up,

Giving me the runaround.

Look, I'm sure everything's Gonna work just fine.

Are you getting me my tv?

I'm working on it.

Sure.

Mr. Osborne.

Because of you guys,

I missed nearly two whole Seasons of television.

Football games, world Series, all the new shows.

In the cage.

I haven't even seen "Real people" yet.

Some day you'll thank us.

Uh, inspector.

Yeah.

Not a bad little Peashooter, huh, barney?

Uh, yeah.

Solid, compact.

It could get the job done.

Could use a cleaning, though.

- uh, inspector. - huh?

No, I'm not through With it, barn.

Uh... Wojo needs it.

Huh?

Evidence.

Well, pardon me for living.

Excuse me?

I'm looking for a Sergeant wojciehowicz.

Yeah, we're all Looking for something.

Vogel, I'm wojciehowicz. This is captain miller.

Hello.

Mr. Vogel.

Is, uh... Is this your gun?

Yes, that's my 1850 Double-action pepperbox.

It's one of my Most prized pieces.

Ah.

I-I-it was stolen.

But that theft was Never reported.

Well, I-I-I didn't know The procedure, you see.

But now that I'm here,

I'll just fill out The necessary forms

And get out of your way.

Can I see your license For this weapon?

Oh, yes. Yes, of Course. It's right here.

I have a collector's license.

This is my foster Child. She's in korea.

She depends on me.

Oh, yes, here it is.

Her name is kim lee. She'll be 18 next month.

Not bad.

Seems to be in order.

Oh. Oh, yes. Certainly. Of course.

Well, I'll just take My gun and run along.

You have a large Collection, mr. Vogel?

Yes, yes, I have some pieces

That go clear back To the 16th century.

Breechloaders and Flintlocks and smoothbores.

Any of them missing?

All of them.

Why didn't you tell us?

I just did.

Have a seat, mr. Vogel.

I mean, to lose such A valuable collection

And not report it...

Is it just possible, mr. Vogel,

That included in That collection are...

Are some illegal firearms?

I see you've guessed My little secret.

Well, I did have a Few verboten items.

Such as?

Oh, a submachine gun And a flamethrower

And a couple grenade launchers.

Wojo, you better Get a complete list

And get out an apb As soon as possible.

Yeah. Right. Gotcha.

Barney, bank hold-up. Guy's got a bazooka.

It's probably mine.

I'll take it, barney.

Uh, inspector, that Won't be necessary.

Huh? But it's my case.

Wojo, take harris.

Thanks, barn.

Take some uniforms and Contact emergency service.

Playing favorites, huh?

A couple of german mausers.

Hmm.

An m-17 rocket launcher.

You got no cruise missiles?

Can't keep those in the city.

Got that list done yet?

Oh, yes.

Here. Look.

You got enough firepower Here to level a city.

Thank you.

Ought to send it Over to afghanistan.

Knock those commies Back under the iron curtain,

Where they belong.

Just brushing up on My cold war jargon.

Pinko.

Mr. Morrissey, if you've Been paying any attention,

You know that this Thing has turned serious.

Now I want to know... Where did you get that gun?

I can't tell you!

Mr. Morrissey!

I don't know!

It was some guy I met in the bar.

I gave him the money. He gave me the gun.

I didn't even get his name.

It was just a brief encounter.

All right, let's Get that apb out,

And get on to all the Borough commanders.

You better warn Them that there may be

A lot of firepower On the streets.

What about my tv?

Oh, inspector.

Where you been, barney?

I was downstairs.

I had some things To take care of.

Oh.

You need anything?

Huh? No, no.

There's just nothing For me to do out there,

So I thought I'd Just sit in here.

Inspector...

You got d.D. Taking Care of that gun nut.

Then you send wojo out With harris on my case.

Inspector, I felt it was better That they work together.

Now, they have been Together for years,

And they know Each other's moves.

Or maybe you're just afraid

To send frankie luger Out on a call, huh?

Figure maybe he's Getting a little too old.

Can't cut the mustard anymore.

That's not the case at all.

I thought I handled myself Pretty good with that punk.

As a matter of fact,

Wojo was talking To me about that.

Oh, was he?

Changing his story, huh?

Trying to grab off Some of the glory?

Listen, I'm the guy That grabbed the gun

Out of that young Punk's hand, remember?

I know.

I laid it all right On the line, barney.

I could've got myself killed.

Are you sure that Wasn't the whole idea?

Huh?

What? Oh.

You think I was looking to Take a slug in the gut, hmm?

You think I wanted to Go out on that bank heist

So maybe I could walk In front of a bazooka,

Get my head blown Off my shoulders,

My ears and everything Splattered all over the walls?

They'd have to scrape Me off with a putty knife?

Is that what you think?

Yeah.

Oh.

I appreciate that, barney.

Inspector, it's just that You can't help notice

How depressed you've been With the demotion and everything

And how you're always Talking about foster and kleiner

And how great it Was that they got it

In the line of duty, And I was just worried

That you were looking To set yourself up

For the same thing To happen to you.

Poppycock, barney.

Never entered my mind.

You're certain?

Certainly.

I may get a little down in The dumps occasionally,

But that don't mean I'm about to go out

And take a bazooka Blast in the bread basket.

I'm glad to hear that,

'cause we're genuinely Fond of you around here,

And we'd like to see you Hang around for a while.

Bet you they'd give me one Hell of a funeral, though,

Huh, barn?

A closed coffin, of course.

- hey. - hey.

Look familiar?

That's betty.

About that raise, barney...

Wojo!

Uh, it isn't loaded.

It's already been fired.

Come on, big blast, get in here.

I had no idea. I Mean, the noise.

What happened?

I don't know. It just went boom.

Barn, this is vincent turso.

He walked into The bank with that,

Told them to open the vault.

Otherwise, he Would blow it open.

Are there chimes in here?

Anyway, when they Said they couldn't,

He blew a 3-foot hole Through the door.

Pretty stupid stunt, mr. Turso.

No kidding.

Barn, the backblast knocked Out most of the windows.

Well, I wasn't supposed To use that thing.

The guy gives it to me, Says "Go in and point it.

They'll be throwing Money all over you."

- what guy? - the guy that I bought it from.

- who was? - I don't know. Just some guy.

I met him at the ballet.

Book him.

All right. Mr. Vogel?

Come on. Sit down.

You want to take it easy, Huh? It's been very rough.

Just sit down.

Did you ever fire one of those?

Yeah, in nam.

Oh, sure. Outside.

Am I free to leave now?

No.

Not until you're given A criminal citation

For each illegal piece.

I did that.

Oh.

Yeah, you can go.

I guess you're wondering Why I collect guns.

No, not particularly.

You see, guns are america.

The history of the gun is The history of this country,

From the pilgrims' blunderbuss To the winchester, the colt.

Why, even the Snub-nosed .38 you carry.

- quite a cavalcade. - mm-hmm.

Culminating with the Ultimate gun... The atomic bomb...

The one that may make All other guns obsolete.

Unfortunately, you'll Have to do without that one

In your collection.

Yes, I guess so.

I'll keep the file open.

Hey, barn...

Inspector luger is out there,

Fiddling around With the bazooka.

Wojo, I had a long Talk with the man.

He's fine.

He's okay.

You mean he's not Thinking about, uh...

The man said it never Entered his mind.

Oh, yeah?

At least not until We brought it up.

So you had to Drag me into it, huh?

Barn? Line 2.

Inspector henderson, Commissioner's office.

Thank you.

Okay.

Oh, my god, it's my tv.

Yeah, I got you A bail ticket, too.

I dreamed about this day.

So did I.

Okay, just have to sign this, And then you can go home.

See? I wasn't lying.

Same model, same Size, same color.

Same problem.

What?

We got to hold This for your trial.

But you've got another one.

Well, you know, because of The way your defense is set up...

The similarities, The tv, et cetera.

Well, you understand.

But...

Don't worry. We'll Take care of this.

We'll get it to You in good shape

As soon as the trial is over.

Good night, mr. Osborne. Take care of yourself.

Don't worry about the set. We'll take care of it for you.

Watch yourself.

Gentlemen.

Change to the duty roster.

Inspector?

Yeah?

You're being reassigned.

Yeah? Where?

Staten island or Columbus circle?

They want you back downtown.

Huh?

You mean back doing What I did before?

Tomorrow morning, you Report to manhattan south.

Well, men,

Looks like you'll be losing The old inspector, huh?

Terrific!

About time.

Of course, I intend to stick Around for the rest of the day.

- sure. - sure.