Original subtitles

Dietrich: here you go, carl. This will warm you up.

Jack frost has Certainly arrived.

Actually, it's a cold Front out of canada.

Saw the first star.

No kidding.

Remember when you were a kid,

Making your first Wish on a star?

Yeah, it was 1954.

The government of jacobo árbenz,

The leader of guatemala,

Was toppled by a Right-wing faction.

I wished for the safety Of him and his family

And his speedy return to power.

I wanted skates.

I already had a pair.

Anything from maintenance yet?

No. They've been Busy for 20 minutes.

Probably got the damn Phone off the hook.

Mm. Till spring.

We're just gonna have to Put on some warm clothes

And bundle up a bit.

Oh, barn, I hate to bundle up.

Who am I to hide all this?

Come on.

I didn't ask you to pull me out.

Just get in here.

You're supposed to be A cop, not a lifeguard.

Who you got here?

This is edward Yaekel. Turn around.

Hey, hey, hey, you're all wet.

I consider myself Pleasantly moist.

I was on my way, barn, And I ran into this joker.

He jumped into that Fountain over by the park.

The heat was unbearable.

Where?

In here.

I had to wade in There to get him out.

And then he gets a startle, Takes a couple swipes at me.

I didn't mean to. My skin Was starting to crackle.

Yeah, we heard it all before.

He don't understand.

I'm a combustible.

I could self-incinerate At any moment.

Sounds serious.

Sounds like s.H.C... Spontaneous human combustion.

Oh, that again?

Nobody knows how Or why it happens,

But it seems that, under The proper conditions

And with no explainable reasons,

Certain people are not only Capable of going up in flames

But also projecting tremendous Amounts of fire and heat

Telekinetically.

Right.

Wojo, you want to Take care of mr. Yaekel?

Not really.

Dietrich.

Yaekel.

I wish you wouldn't Encourage these people.

There are documented cases.

Dietrich, people do not burst Into flames spontaneously,

And your lending Credence to that idea

Merely serves to reinforce An already deluded notion

And only makes our job That much more difficult.

All right, simmer down.

Simmer down?

Excuse me.

Lewd behavior... Lascivious dancing...

Flagrant nudity.

Yes, sir, we'll be sending Someone right over.

Yes, myself, if I can swing it.

Oh, a merchant Over on 3rd avenue

Complaining about a jiggle joint

- next to his shop. - I see.

- it's a topless bar, sir. - thank you.

Just trying to paint A picture with words.

Okay, um...

You and harris.

Yes, sir.

Sergeant harris, Let's get it on.

What?

Uh, I'm going downstairs,

See if I got something Dry in my locker.

And I thought we were going To get some heat up here.

So did I.

We got to do something, barn.

It's bad enough we got To be working at night,

But at least we deserve Not to freeze to death.

He's right, you know, barn.

Maybe we ought to Just stop rolling over...

You know, stop answering Calls, stop helping other people

Until we can get some Consideration for ourselves.

Harris, there is An energy crisis.

There are conservation Restrictions.

We just have to bite the Bullet and do the best we can.

Which reminds me, sir, I put it in your office.

- what's that? - the heater you asked for.

Uh, thank you, levitt.

Plugged in and ready to go, sir.

- thank you, levitt, thank you. - my pleasure.

I'll be in my office.

Hmm. No kidding.

You guys got any Iced tea around here?

What do you want to Do, drink it or sit in it?

Sure, make jokes.

You don't know what it's like,

Never knowing whether You're going to wake up a person

Or a pile of soot.

I mean, you can Never make plans.

Occupation?

Are you kidding?

Who's going to hire A flamer like me?

Oh, boy.

Home address?

520 east 19th.

But I'm never there.

Pretty much live at the Bath house over on canal.

Oh, yeah?

I sleep in mud.

Hey, look, it's none Of my business,

But don't you think

That you're going to An awful lot of trouble

For something that's Just in your head?

I've been evicted five Times in two years

Because my Apartment caught fire.

Is that in my head?

I take the subway, somebody's times goes up in smoke.

I walk into a department store, The sprinkler system turns on.

What do you call that?

Coincidence.

Get out of here.

Okay, ladies, you want To step in here, please?

I'll be right with you.

Come on, come on, shake a leg.

Don't get them started!

Hey, I don't do requests.

What do we got here?

It's a couple of dancers

From the club Aphrodite bop and grope.

Sir, this is the complainant,

Ivan kessler, kessler's New and used books.

This is captain miller.

Filth!

How do you do?

Harris: barn?

Excuse me.

This is miss theresa Taxco and stephanie wolf.

They're members of the Bolshoi bump and grind.

Hi.

A genuine pleasure, I'm sure, captain.

Miss taxco is the Artistic director

And also the Manager of the club.

Aside from my obvious Physical qualities,

I also have a flair For the administrative.

When we got there, the Chairperson of the board

Was gyrating From table to table,

Enticing the stockholders

To stuff dollar bills Down her portfolio.

Captain, you should See them convulsing

Naked and Shamelessly to the beat

Of wild and barbaric rhythms.

Wasn't exactly The hokeypokey, sir.

They were also serving Alcohol to minors.

They're intoxicating The mind of young people

With liquor and smut!

I take it you're Lodging a complaint.

All these dens of iniquity

Must be wiped from The face of the earth.

A simple "Yes" will do.

All right, all right.

Mr. Kessler, you Want to have a seat

Over there at Sergeant harris' desk?

Oh, thanks, barn.

Miss taxco, if you'll Go with officer levitt,

- and, miss wolf... - I'll take her.

He's one of us.

Shall we?

All right, señorita,

Empty your pockets and put Your valuables on the desk.

You'd like that, Wouldn't you, poco?

Sit down.

What about the Owner of the club?

We don't know who that is yet,

But we'll check with The liquor authority

And let you know as Soon as we find out.

Fine.

You'll be in your office?

In and out.

Oh, barn, do be careful.

That's how we catch cold.

Can I get you something... Coffee, a buick?

Uh, yeah.

Black... The coffee.

In my shop, I keep all the great Masterpieces of literature...

"The brothers karamazov," "War and peace," "Moby-dick."

And you know what they Come and ask me for nowadays?

- "Scruples." - tsk.

"Cruel shoes."

What are cruel shoes?

You know, I can really Relate to how you feel.

Hmm?

Well, I mean, I do have Some personal interest

In the current Trends in literature,

What with my first Novel coming out and all.

Kind of caught You off guard, huh?

Not really.

Nowadays, every bumpkin off the Street can get a book published.

No offense meant.

Oh, none taken.

What's the difference anyhow?

The same thing always happens.

Your book comes out with A lot of hype and hoopla.

It fizzles on the shelves,

And then, bingo, It's out of print

And I'm stuck with 50 Copies in my bargain bin.

Sorry to burden you.

Here you go.

Thanks.

I need this to keep awake.

Why, you getting bored here?

No, I'm just tired.

I've been up the last Few nights cramming.

I never heard it Called that before.

I'm a student.

I'm going for my Master's at columbia.

You taking phys ed?

Cultural anthropology.

Really?

That's funny, because That's sort of a hobby of mine.

No kidding?

Particularly fascinated

By the mating and courtship Rituals of primitive cultures.

Yeah?

Yeah, like, uh...

Take your borneo Tribesman, for example.

Okay.

When a young, eligible lady

Wants to encourage A prospective suitor,

She invites him to Lay his head on her lap

While she very delicately Plucks his eyebrow hairs

With a pair of ritualistic Brass tweezers.

Right.

You think these need a trim?

- barn? - huh?

I checked yaekel For priors. He's clean.

I'm going to fill out a report And send it to bellevue.

Look, I didn't ask levitt.

All I said to him was

"If you can find a few Heaters laying around..."

Barn, there's no reason Everybody should freeze.

Here.

It's just that I can see where,

You know, what I said About biting the bullet

Might appear... Hypocritical? No.

I'm sure you meant It when you said it.

Of course I did.

You freezing in here

Ain't going to make us Any warmer out there.

Well...

In fact, it kind of takes Our minds off the cold,

Thinking about you.

Yeah?

Whew! It's quite Balmy in here, sir.

What is it, levitt?

Excuse me, barn. I'm Gonna get out of your way.

Just got off the phone with The state liquor authority.

You know that strip joint?

It's owned by the government.

Ours?

All I know is they gave Me a referral number

For the department of Energy office in new york.

I left a message.

Department of energy?

Don't worry, sir. I didn't Mention the heater.

Oh! Oh, god, it's starting!

- oh, yeah? - do something!

- get me out of here! - I'm not empowered.

I'm getting hot. Hot!

- hey! - I think I'm starting to boil!

Put a lid on it.

Very funny.

What the hell is going on?

Get me ice.

I need ice.

- what? - sir, he wants ice.

This is it.

I'm going.

Where?

Hey!

- levitt? - yes, sir?

- get him ice. - cubes or crushed?

Whatever.

Here you go.

Sorry. I didn't mean To flare up like that.

It's okay.

Miss taxco, you were Smoking, weren't you?

What do you think I do...

Smoke over here, flick My ashes over there?

I'm not that motivated.

Harris?

Mm-mm.

Maybe it was a spark From your heater.

Or maybe not.

Sir, best I can do.

Snow cones?

Can I apply it to the gentleman?

He looks like he's Cooled down enough.

I'll put them on ice.

You know, there are many places

Where nudity and the Exhibition of the female body

Are not only Considered respectable

But are even revered.

My place, for one.

Also polynesia, africa, Parts of the orient.

My place is closer.

Look, if you've got Something to say,

Why don't you just Drop the anthropology

And stop beating Around the bush?

Now we're talking aborigines.

Can I help you?

I'm neil spencer, Department of energy.

Oh, spot-check?

Hey, neil.

Hey, what the hell happened?

I left you in charge.

Call me irresponsible.

I'm captain miller.

I'm neil spencer, Department of energy.

Hey, you told me you Were with organized crime.

How about that?

I'm a little confused, Mr. Spencer.

What is the u.S. Government Doing owning a topless bar?

Government? What's He talking about?

I wouldn't know. I wasn't informed.

If we could talk in private, I Could clarify the situation.

Certainly.

I smell a cover-up!

We're still new.

Give us a chance.

Li'l levitt.

How come you didn't tell me the Department of energy was coming?

Well, I was in the...

It's just that I hate it when Company drops in unexpectedly.

When I found out, I went Right to captain miller.

Well, look, in the future, When or if we work together,

I'd appreciate it very much If you'd keep me apprised

Of what you're doing.

Yes, I certainly will.

Fine.

- I'm going to the bathroom now. - thank you.

I'll keep you posted.

You see, earlier this year,

We discovered that we Had in the department

A sort of a Counterproductive functionary.

An embezzler.

Of course, he was apprehended,

But not until he had made A number of acquisitions

With the money he had taken.

One of which was The club aphrodite?

Apparently, he had a Weakness for that sort of thing.

Ah.

Well, regardless, After the trial,

The department Took possession of it.

I have been assigned

To oversee the Operations of the club,

To get it out of the Red so we can unload it

And recover some Of your tax dollars.

I certainly appreciate that.

So why don't we Forget the whole thing?

I'm afraid it's not that simple.

There's been a complaint Lodged by a citizen.

Just one?

If that citizen insists

On proceeding With that complaint,

We have no choice But to forward it

To the district Attorney's office

For full prosecution.

Well, that's... That's All I need, captain.

As if I don't have enough Problems already.

Oh, I'm a very busy man.

Wet-nursing a bunch of sleazy Bimbos, picking out costumes,

Haggling over liquor prices, Approving cocktail napkins.

Have you ever read the Jokes on those things?

Not recently.

I am supposed to be working With the energy crisis,

Enforcing Conservation guidelines,

Ordering regional Fuel allocations.

Do you know what I Ordered yesterday?

- I wouldn't have the... - beer nuts.

Sorry.

Is that yours?

Thanks for pitching in.

Is it true you go into Flames just like that?

Yes.

I find that very Exciting in a man.

Oh, yeah?

It adds a certain element Of danger to a relationship.

I mean, two people Intertwined in passion,

Knowing that at any moment,

Without any warning, You could go poof...

Ashes.

Do you mind mud?

Well?

Kessler, this is mr. Spencer Of the department of energy.

Scum!

Yes, well, mr. Kessler,

I want to apologize for This little misunderstanding,

But I'm sure we can Come to some agreement

Without any Further legal action.

I want all of them behind bars!

I'm afraid mr. Kessler Appears unswayed.

Uh, mr. Kessler,

You simply cannot go and Arrest the federal government.

Mr. Kessler, what Mr. Spencer is trying to say

Is that this is a very Delicate and uncharted area.

So?

So, in order to Proceed in this matter,

We would have to issue Warrants not only to mr. Spencer,

But to the Secretary of energy...

Okay. Do it.

Okay, harris,

Let's issue a warrant to The secretary of energy.

Who is...

I knew it this morning.

Look, mr. Kessler, I'm Sure that, given time,

We could find out who The secretary of energy is

And issue the proper warrants

For the proper government Officials, et cetera,

But, you know,

It occurs to me that Might not be necessary.

Sure, when you stop and consider

The past record of The federal government

In managing any Enterprise of any sort,

Given a little time,

They could put that Club out of business

Without any help from us.

Like amtrak!

Perfect example.

And I'm certain that Mr. Spencer here

Will see to it that The club is run

In a lawful and ethical manner.

We could try that.

What do you say, mr. Kessler?

All right, I'll let Them off this time.

You won't regret it.

We appreciate your cooperation.

Good night, captain.

Mr. Kessler.

Goodbye, sergeant.

It was such a pleasure Of having met you.

Let's do it again real soon.

And, you, just be sure

That the club is Kept on an up-and-up.

And keep that Hamilton what's his name

Out of there, too!

Is that it, captain?

Except for that citation For selling liquor to minors.

But the ladies can go?

Yeah. Levitt.

- yes, sir. - turn miss taxco loose.

Miss wolf, you are Free to go, as well.

Hey, shake 'n bake... Take care, huh?

I enjoyed our conversation.

- anytime. - oh, yeah?

Look, if you ever get The urge to catch my act,

Here's my telephone number.

Thanks.

Nice touch.

Miss taxco?

Sign here.

Whatever you say, poco.

You called me that all Night... Poco. What is that?

Uh, it means, uh... Macho.

I thought "Macho" meant macho.

Incidentally, captain, on Behalf of the energy department,

I'd like to commend you on The briskness of this room.

Our pleasure.

Our pleasure?

Yes, and I'm sure when Summer rolls around,

You'll maintain the same spirit

In regards to the Air-conditioning.

We don't have air-conditioning.

We sweat like pigs.

Good.

Captain.

Mr. Spencer.

Levitt: sir?

- I'll get on it right away. - what's that?

Your air-conditioner. About 5,000 btus should do it.

Levitt...

Okay, yaekel, let's go.

You're getting out.

Bellevue, huh?

No. Uh, we're going to give You a desk-appearance ticket,

And then you're being released On your own recognizance.

Is he kidding?

No.

Don't you guys think I'm crazy?

Don't you think I need help?

Tell you the truth, mr. Yaekel,

I'm not sure whether you need A psychiatrist or an internist.

You can go.

Ah, thanks.

Listen.

Good luck on your midterms.

Thank you.

You know, I'm pretty Busy most of the time.

Oh, that's all Right. I understand.

But this thursday, I've got a seminar,

"Kinship rituals Of the samoans,"

If you'd like to sit in.

Sure, I'd love to. We could pass notes.

Yeah.

Maybe we could go Have a drink after.

Why not?

See you thursday.

You bringing the tweezers?

You think you're hot?