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Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

There are three things that are absolute

and cannot be destroyed.

Awareness, being, and love.

Rumi once wrote,

"Gamble everything for love if you're a true human being.

Half-heartedness does not reach into majesty."

My mother would say,

"The grass is only green if you water it."

At the beginning, everything made sense.

Your love, my love, our love.

It had been 10 years since our last visit.

The previous one was to celebrate our marriage.

This one is an attempt to heal the part of us

that we'd lost.

The beauty of an Italian countryside hadn't changed

but we had.

We reached the point where truth

became more important than feelings,

and winning became more important than truth.

But in truth,

it was always love.

Hmm.

Here we were.

I thought it would be therapeutical.

So.

This is us.

Is therapeutical even a word?

It's a therapeutic substance.

So that's what we are, substance.

As in a matter of thought.

You know the point I was making.

Trying to make.

Yeah, always with the quixotic words.

Could have taken the easy route.

Yeah well, keeps 'em on their toes.

Yes, you do.

I need to pee.

How long have we got?

How long have we got until what?

Till I have to go?

That's right now.

Or until I pee myself, I don't know.

Last time that happened, well, I was 12, so.

You peed yourself at 12?

Yeah I'd been drinking.

We've only been on the road for an hour,

I mean you couldn't have done it at the airport?

I did.

So we have to empty every hour?

I'm sorry, are we on a time crunch?

I wasn't aware.

We are not, no.

Just baffles me.

You know, in fact it baffles every man on earth.

We pee before we hit the road.

It saves us from stopping for around four hours at least.

You know, keeps the journey moving.

And your skin is looking 10 years older

because you're never properly hydrated.

You just had the basics of evolutionary differences.

When's the last time you had more than eight ounces

of water in a day?

Does coffee count?

No.

Can you hold it?

You know, silence is

the more regenerating, peaceful option.

It's pleasurable too.

No.

Isn't it great just to hear the perfect song?

Or a foreign voice just sound like everything

is from a Fellini film?

Have you ever sat for an entire Fellini film

in your life?

Be honest.

Do you know any other Italian director

of classic cinema, huh?

You be honest.

Bertolucci, Zeffirelli, Chabrol.

The last one was French, but well played

on the other two.

Man, you know me well.

Better than anyone.

Please, it's static.

Just give me a minute, okay?

If I don't find anything that accents this view,

it's the wind in your ears, I promise.

But I'm, I don't know, I'm feeling it.

Feeling something.

Come on, FM.

Gimme a sign.

Gimme the perfect!

Aha!

Come on, huh?

Right?

Grazie.

You'll inevitably eat my fries.

Do you ever think that they might be right,

or that they are unequivocally, hands down right?

What, about us?

About this, about this whole thing we're doing.

I guess if there were a mandate

for a couple who are no more,

it may imply that statistically this

ain't even on the table, yeah.

I mean, they might have a point.

But we were never the go-to couple for normal.

Hmm, thank god.

Thank god.

Yeah, we were amazing.

We were good.

I don't know about amazing.

My favorite thing to do

was to go to some up your ass event

that neither of us wanted to get out of sweats for.

And you'd be taken away from me

for just whatever reason.

I could always find you in a room full of people

no matter who you were talking to,

you would look at me and wink.

The wink is so underrated.

People flee from the wink so easily.

Yours could change my world.

Ugh, it just made me feel like

we're the most important people to each other.

In that moment, no one else mattered.

I stand by it, we were amazing.

People did envy our marriage.

Did they?

They did, yeah.

'Cause you were that girl.

You were the template for all my friends' wives

and girlfriends to match up to.

Impossible task I tell them.

Of course, any time a conversation

arose about the grievances of the women,

I would just sit there and smirk,

didn't feel the need to say nothing.

They all knew I had perfection in you.

That's why I fell so hard when we derailed.

Yeah, maybe that perfection was hard to live up to.

Yeah, maybe.

We tried, Ryan.

Both of us gave it everything we had.

I did.

That's not fair.

What? I did.

The fundamental fact that we all seem to miss is that

when a man falls in love,

that's genuinely it for him.

No exceptions, actually.

I mean if I'd ever cheated on you

or walked out the door,

I wouldn't have been in love, period.

When I'm in love, I will fight for everything.

Now, it might not be pleasant at times,

perhaps a little murky, but

the truth is if I can call you baby

in front of anyone and not give a damn

how stupid that sounds,

there isn't much I wouldn't do

to keep her,

it, alive.

You don't think I fought?

I think you gave way.

I never replaced you, Ryan.

I know.

You just leaned to someone else.

I get it.

I was absent.

I got distracted and

my feelings were denied somehow.

It's hard not to feel a swelling rage because of it.

Feels like you found a better choice, you know?

It's easier to love a stranger

than someone you actually know.

Maybe.

I know what the wrongs are here.

I would hope so.

Look, it's not a matter of me

trying to convince you of my opinions,

but I do have reasons, and they're valid, entitled.

With a stranger, you can put all of these ideals

and ideas onto a blank canvas

without any of the hurtful nuances

that you've grown to despise in your partner.

But when you sit and breathe and look at it

from a rational space,

you realize what an unbelievable expectation that is.

It's impossible.

Maybe.

Because we all have stuff.

- Right. - Right.

We all are raised in different ways

and taught extreme truths.

I mean how are you supposed to love, marry, fuck

someone from a completely different world

and assume it's gonna be an easy ride?

I mean you gotta be high.

But if you're still holding on to that hurt feeling,

that swelling rage,

babe, you gotta let it go.

I didn't do it to hurt you.

It was me.

It was my things, my demons,

my feelings of inadequacy.

I know it sounds so trite to say

that it didn't mean anything,

but it didn't mean anything.

And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for how it made you feel, I really am.

Didn't think we'd ever be back here.

Guess I thought we lost it.

Yeah, me too.

Glad we did not.

How the fuck could we afford such a decadent honeymoon

in our 20s?

Decadent?

You didn't think so?

It was a good honeymoon.

It was a great honeymoon.

Well, a great honeymoon would have consisted

of actual decadence.

Wow, tough crowd.

We did what we could.

I wanted more.

Yeah, like what?

Crushing grapes beneath our toes

and bike rides to the pasticeria for fresh baked pastry.

Or falling asleep under the stars?

That was on the hood of the car.

Well at least it was warm.

Well, we slept in that car for like half the week.

It was one night.

We were getting older than we wanted

even in the earliest years.

I found the letters.

You never sent them to him.

How come?

I don't know.

I knew how you would feel, I guess.

How I would feel.

That's all I have for you.

You think he was in love?

- No. - No?

He knew it would never get past infatuation.

It was almost imaginary, to be honest.

He was just someone that I could project onto,

someone I thought would encourage me,

support me, congratulate me,

applaud me to order as much off a menu as I wanted.

He was a non-smoker, he loved yoga, I don't know.

I don't know what else to tell you, Ryan.

It was just an impulse.

It was a fantasy.

It was an escape.

And that's the truth, that's my truth.

It's all I got.

Last time we were here, you were 22 years old.

Oh man, I remember her.

That ass.

She never lost that ass.

All right, relax.

Newman?

Room number 117.

Breakfast is come six.

Perfect, Grazie.

Ooh, they have bocce!

They have a what now?

Bocce!

What, you never played?

Where have you been hiding?

Is there a bar?

I seem to remember a bar.

Ah, it's closed.

What?

Ah, well.

Would have earned some money out of me tonight, my friends.

Oh yeah, with one shot Ryan

I'm sure they'll be devastated with the loss of revenue.

You should be grateful I don't drink that much.

It's a passage of rites where I come from.

Where, Connecticut?

Don't deny me my Irish roots.

Okay, Oscar Wilde.

Oscar?

Was he Irish?

Yeah, he was.

Huh.

Couldn't have gone with Bono, hmm,

or Liam Neeson perhaps.

Eh, more fun to compare you to Wilde.

I could see that.

Okay.

This is us.

Us?

Relax, you're not that irresistible.

This isn't what the trip was about, you know?

I do.

So?

So.

Do you think you can sleep next to me

without tearing my clothes off?

Or do I have to pay for a separate room?

No spooning.

My hands will remain by my side all night.

I know.

I'm gonna wash 'em.

Claudia?

Good morning, handsome.

Morning.

You don't seem to be very good at this game

I've never heard of.

Now how would you know?

I'm awesome at it.

What do you say we get out of here

before you're arrested?

Yeah.

I mean I don't blame her really.

I think it's kind of normal for them to fuck you up.

It's their duty.

Amazing set of parental skills you'll have.

Yeah, right?

Look, I love my mom, I do.

But just, the realistic relationship that we have

is not mother-daughter.

It's?

It's narcissist enabler.

Hmm.

I wish it wasn't true.

I wish that we had a middle of the road relationship, but,

I mean I'm not even asking for Margaret March,

just someone that I can learn something from.

Okay two things, first, Margaret who?

March.

The mom from Little Women.

Yeah, that reference is always gonna be a stretch for me.

And second, I'm not buying the lack of life lessons

your mother taught you.

You're this amazing woman who

glides through life apparently effortlessly.

Mhm, sure.

And thank you.

And I'm not saying that she didn't have any influence

on how I become.

She's just the last person I would ever turn to

for help or for anything.

But she did show me how to not be a parent,

so there's that.

Well, that's something.

Yeah, that is something.

Is anyone's being really designed

to be shaped, to morph and evolve

into the exact same fabric as their parents?

Who knows?

'Cause I had a happy childhood, I think.

You know, dad is my hero, mom was an angel, but

I couldn't be more different.

I hope so.

Wow.

Where do you wanna take that?

I love your parents, but you know,

I would hope that the apple, you,

fell miles away from that tree, your father.

Poor guy.

Why poor guy?

Because, he's a good man, Cee.

He's a great man, that's my point.

I love him, but you know

he's made some choices in his life

that had been interesting,

and I think you can see that if you'd followed that example

it could be a problem.

For who?

Anyone.

So let me get this straight.

My father cheats, and that puts me

on a watch and advise list?

You were presented with that at a young age.

The formative years leave a big footprint.

We'll so does watching it tear your mother apart.

It's a personal choice, see.

I am not my father.

You're not your mother, so.

So why spend time fighting the fact

that we both seem to be scared to death

of that being the case?

I mean, if we are, we catch it.

We become aware of it,

and hopefully we're one step closer

to figuring that out than they were.

I mean, that's my gameplan.

Living in the so be it?

No.

But not grabbing it by the throat

and shaking the air out of it either.

No, by letting go.

It's not so be it.

So be it is to acquiesce.

I just don't let it have that much of a hold over me.

Anyway, could be worse.

Could it?

Absolutely.

I could be my Grandpa.

What, Frank?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, Frank, he's off limits.

He's a sweetheart.

No, William Deeks Newman, dad's dad.

We've never talked about him much.

How come?

I don't know.

He died when dad was a teen.

You know I don't really remember seeing

more than one picture of him around the house.

I never met him, obviously.

Heard he was a complete scoundrel.

And cloth merchant, gambling man, perpetual philanderer.

Now those are genes you don't want bequeathed.

I am sure, like all the Newman men I have met

he has his charms.

I have no doubt, no.

But that bloodline, had to be diluted

otherwise we'd all end up living alone.

Yeah, women's lib was brought to the surface

because of men like Grandpa Bill.

Could be worse.

You see that?

A private vineyard?

You like spontaneity.

Yeah, I also like not being shot at.

2018, Claudia, not the civil war.

Now this is Italy.

We're trespassing.

It's worth every moment in solitary confinement.

Where are we going?

We, Mrs. Newman,

are gonna have the great honeymoon.

I'm not living my life with the regret

of having just a good one.

Are you in?

That's sweet, but,

But what?

I thought that we agreed that this isn't about this.

It's not.

But can't we at least enjoy

and celebrate our lives together?

We're not together.

I know.

But I also know that most people travel through this world

living in that regret.

Like I said, I don't wanna do that.

Just because we're not together

doesn't mean we can't creatively cull

new experiences with one another.

I mean, memories are all we'll have one day.

Hey.

This doesn't mean any more

than two people who've spent 30 percent

of their lives together

enjoying and celebrating that fact.

We can go back to the car,

turn around, continue the journey if you prefer, or,

we put all that shit that we carry to one side,

and actually enjoy each other's company,

doing the things that we never paid attention

to not doing in the first place.

So you wanna crush grapes between your toes or not?

Where?

Here.

Here?

Yeah.

Unfortunately science has taken over the world.

So the only place you can stomp now

without a tour guide or losing a toe is

somewhere private, somewhere quiet,

somewhere here.

Look, I can't guarantee we'll make anything worth drinking

but what I can guarantee is

you'll remember the moment.

Ready to Pigeage?

Smooth talker, Ryan Newman.

You're a real smooth talker.

Mhmm.

Mhmm.

Feels good, right?

Yeah, like all my birthdays rolled into one.

If that's some gentle sarcasm, go easy.

If not, I'll take it as the highest compliment

from the girl who celebrates their birthday

the entire month.

Greatest month ever.

You never saw the upside of the celebratory birthday month.

I don't know how you have the energy, honestly.

An hour into any party I'm involved with

and I'm looking for the fire exit.

Plus, in my house, it's plethoric as Christmas.

Mine lasted until noon.

I feel like you made up for it though.

What's that mean?

Now how do I say this?

You ladies tend to be celebrated a little excessively.

Okay, tread careful, Jean Jacque misogynist.

Ooh, squishy, ooh.

Is it cold?

Yeah.

Let me in.

That feels nice.

So you don't think

we need more of a celebration?

I think it's important.

To celebrate all of them?

Birthdays, anniversaries, Valentines.

I mean you can literally buy me a shot of rye

and a baseball ticket,

throw in a steak and you're golden.

But a celebration weekend with the girls,

that takes a lot of pre-planning.

You got e-vites, balloons,

paper bags overflowing with all that matching tissue,

I've never understood it.

And if you're really dealing with a pro,

handpicked invite cards with the,

the raised type, what's that called?

What?

You know, on the invites, on the letters,

it feels like Braille.

It's embossing.

Nothing like Braille but please continue.

Yeah, embossed lettering.

And then of course, travel arrangements.

Hotel reservations, dinner reservations.

Show tickets, Pilates classes.

All strategically planned to the minute.

We literally raise a glass, done.

Our birthdays, as adults,

they're over by midnight.

Now the party itself might not be

but the celebration of the birthday, done.

Well, your gender is missing out.

I'm sure your parents made a big deal about it.

What, as a kid?

Yeah.

Sure, but, it stopped in high school.

Yours?

I remember a solid couple.

There's a cake occasionally.

I mean you've been around for a few of them.

It's a phone call.

A card maybe.

If you're really lucky you get the

"go get yourself something and I'll send a check" routine.

I must have been about nine or 10.

And I woke up,

I was so excited, it was just the best day.

It didn't matter if you had to go to school,

bring your birthday gift and

teacher would make a big fuss over it

and just felt like you could accomplish anything.

So I get up that morning and I run

into my parents' room.

Dad's already at work and mom is laying in bed awake.

And she says so sweetly,

"Happy birthday, baby."

And then she goes on to say that

you know, things are tight that month

and can they get me my present in a couple of weeks

when finances are more balanced.

I was crushed.

But I was a sweet kid

and I wanted to understand.

And I thought if I was just patient

and I could understand,

that maybe in a couple weeks I would end up with some

really wonderful present.

And so I counted down the days, or weeks.

And then the morning came and

there was nothing.

Just no mention of it at all.

They'd completely forgotten this promise

that they made to a little girl.

I was destroyed.

And they had no idea.

I guess my self-healing mechanism

was engrained at a pretty young age.

That's a sad story, Cee.

You ever ask them about it?

No.

Took it on the chin.

I thought that they would maybe eventually remember.

Or not, I don't know,

some sort of weird self-pity.

Oh, I know that.

Where it almost feels good to suffer.

- Exactly. - Yeah.

I guess if you were to look at it rationally,

your parents were probably heartbroken

when they couldn't afford to buy their kid a toy, you know?

Yeah, they were kids themselves.

I mean it was that generation where everyone

had children in their 20s.

They had a mortgage and two girls.

Now I feel sorry for them.

That makes sense to me though.

Now I know why you get pissy

when you get gifts you don't like.

I don't, that's not,

okay, it's not that I don't like it.

It's that I give them options

when they ask me what I want.

And then the day comes,

and it's something completely off the radar

from somewhere just, you know, convenient.

My family likes the easy purchase.

God forbid that they have to walk

to the far end of the mall.

On the plus side, it has made you

an excellent gift giver.

Oh, I know.

You too, though.

Yeah?

Yeah, you always seem to know what's needed and when.

And you know romance.

Where'd that come from?

I don't know.

I grew into it, I guess.

I had a lot of charm.

Your proposal.

Ugh, still takes my breath.

Yeah?

I love to hear you tell that story.

Tell me.

Really?

Yeah, tell me your version.

I don't think I ever heard you talk about it.

'Cause it was mine.

It was my version.

I wanted to keep that one for myself.

You said you had a business trip.

You said you'd be back in two days.

When you called, I felt guilty.

I was happy that you were frustrated,

happy that you wanted to come home.

You told me you were tired.

Tired of it all,

and the one thing that can make you smile

was to spend the night with me.

I glowed.

You asked me to meet you at the airport

but you only had one request.

Wear the red dress.

There never was a conference.

There never was a business trip.

At first I thought it was a mistake.

A woman is walking towards me

as I stood waiting in the terminal.

She looked at no one else.

Her smile was bright and warm.

She said nothing as she handed me my favorite flower.

Peonies.

It made sense to me.

I watched her walk away

as I held the flower, knowing it was mine.

Then an older gentleman walked the same path

and gave me another, a third, and a fourth.

It took until the fifth person for me to become aware.

My tears poured down my face.

Undoubtedly the single most beautiful moment of my life.

133 flowers were put into my arms from complete strangers

who offered nothing more but a smile.

And then it happened.

The moment I knew I met the man

I wanted to spend my life with.

I hadn't seen my dad in over six months.

I didn't, not for one moment think it wasn't him.

I knew.

And I knew that you had brought him to me.

Mom had the greatest smile I had seen on her for years.

Daddy was still.

A tear on his face showed me his love.

The world stopped.

My face ached with elation.

Hi, Daddy.

And there you were.

My heart slowed.

The world became silent.

That very moment was as it should be.

I didn't even wait for you to ask.

- I just said yes. - You just said yes.

He had contacted my family

two days prior.

He flew in and asked my father for my hand in marriage.

He had spoken with the airline in advance

and told them of his plan.

He asked if the stewardess could make an announcement

to all of the passengers in flight.

Of course everyone knew it was special.

The stewardess told the passengers

that a young man was going to propose to his girlfriend

when they landed, and that he had her parents with him

after asking for her hand.

She explained that the girl in question

would be waiting at the arrival gate

wearing a red dress.

Each person would be given one stem.

All they had to do was walk toward the girl

and without saying a word,

hand her the flower.

Everybody loves romance.

Everybody loves love.

One by one they came.

And the girl in the red dress,

she will never forget what the man said

as they walked away toward their happiness.

"Turns out, it was all about a girl."

Hey I'm gonna go down to the bar.

You want me to order you anything?

I'll see you downstairs.

Hi.

Hi.

Cabernet, please.

You have kind eyes.

I do, huh?

You do.

They change colors too, did you know that?

No.

They do.

During the day they're deep brown

then in the evening, just as the temperature drops

they have almost a green hue to them.

Green, I've never heard that.

Mhmm, green.

Hazel green.

How was your shower?

Oh, everything I ever dreamed of.

Not drinking?

I think that we possibly turned those grapes into wine,

I wanna sit back and let others enjoy our work.

You okay?

I am, yeah.

You?

Grazie.

I don't know, one moment I'm fine, then,

Then what?

Then the reality puts its foot on my throat

and I can't breathe.

I literally can't breathe.

Sometimes I'm strong about it,

I'm so fucking strong and I'm

ready to move on, I'm happy to move on.

But then there's moments where I'm just,

covered in grief, and I feel panic.

Like I was just in a car accident panic.

And I don't know what to do, Claudia.

I know that pain.

You do?

It burns.

That's a good way of describing it, yeah.

It does, it burns.

Shame, regret, wishful thinking.

All of it erodes your insides.

I feel it too.

Why didn't you begin the process sooner?

I'm not sure.

I guess that's why we're here, right?

Yeah.

Will you be eating with us tonight?

Hi.

Hi.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm just here for the drinks, I think.

I see.

If you change your mind, I'm Annie.

We know where to find you.

She's beautiful.

She is, yeah.

You should talk to her.

What are you doing?

- You should. - Claudia, come on.

Hey, you don't owe me anything, Ryan.

This is... you know?

Look, I had a wonderful day today, truly.

Perfectly fitting.

But we shouldn't dwell.

It's part of our evolution, it's part of our healing.

You know that feeling that you just got?

The excitement that you felt

and a new beginning just starting to blossom?

Well those are feelings that you should hold onto.

Those are the ones that matter the most.

Just go talk to her.

I understand.

There's nothing to understand.

Look, I'm wise enough to know the meaning

of a fleeting emotion.

And we are old enough to be able

to recognize its truth, so,

can you stop, please?

I loved you for 10 years.

I'm sure I'll love you for many more.

But, for now,

I'm gonna take my aged wise truth

and go to bed.

Cee.

Morning.

Morning.

You're up early.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep.

Wanted to catch the sunrise.

Did you?

In all its glory.

How was your night?

What do you think?

I want to think I'm open, evolved,

mature and wise.

That I have accepted everything, moved on

above it all.

I'm not.

Nothing happened.

Ryan, it's okay.

I know.

Nothing happened.

Come on.

Is everything okay?

I'm a little raw.

The memories hurt on this fine morning.

I'll be okay.

You don't wanna talk about it?

I do.

But not yet.

Why not?

Come on, Claudia.

No, why?

Because, I have emotions attached

and if I spoke about it right now,

we'll end up in a fight and I don't wanna do that.

How do you know it'll end up there?

Because you'll get defensive.

You're prophesying.

No, no, I'm going on experience,

very factual proven experience.

That's not fair.

Okay, you want in, here goes.

I still feel the need to talk about the letters.

I need to dig deep and try to make peace.

Maybe if I can learn a little more

I can heal from it.

Yeah well I can't guarantee healing

but if we open it up

maybe I can help you understand.

Maybe.

Guess I just need to hear what I did.

You know what you did.

You disappeared.

As did you.

Not when you needed me most.

That's not true.

Really?

Yeah.

I needed you most when my fucking heart was broken.

I needed you most when you would come home

and our stubbornness was on full tilt

and you refused to give me a reason.

I needed you most when you were in the hospital bed

and I was the only one making decisions.

And it's through all of that you disappeared

and where were you?

You were lost reading love poems

from some guy who didn't know a damn thing about you,

some jerkoff who wanted to play house.

You'll never truly understand how that felt for me.

So by you saying that I disappeared

when you needed me most,

and by disappeared you meant I withdrew, W

and you were mad at me for not hearing you on certain things

then yeah, you're right, I did do that.

But only because I was desperately trying

to figure out our next step.

So then what, huh?

You get scorned.

And you show me you have a killer left hook

with a payback?

You win, Cee.

I'm not fully present,

then you'll show me withdrawal, right?

- No. - Really?

No, his letters made something in me bloom.

It was fleeting.

I wrote them back to him in a space

of my own heartbreak.

It eased that, my heart, the one that you broke.

I knew that we were coming to the end

and his attention felt like comfort, just comfort.

Look, I'm a smart person.

And I know the difference between real feelings

and a band aid, it's temporary.

Exciting, maybe, but temporary nonetheless.

And I can't speak for him, because...

Look, he wrote what he wrote and those words were his.

But mine?

Those letters were never about Paul.

It's why I never sent them.

They were about me, you, us, it.

They may have had his name on them but they,

they were all about us.

Well it felt like a betrayal.

An unexpected betrayal.

I know that raw feeling.

How was she?

Everything you wanted, imagined?

Okay.

Pulling from my own previous experiences,

the first time with someone new is always strange.

You know, everything's different.

Her body, her smell, her touch, her tastes.

How she wakes, sleeps.

Her choice of lingerie.

That comfort you mentioned?

It can never be there that early, ever.

You can't get to that moment

where you share the silence as you brush your teeth.

You know, that moment where you both stop brushing

just to stare at one another.

An impeccable smile when you both realize it's worth more.

It's unobtainable to reach there

unless you heal, fully heal.

I'm not there yet.

I can't be there yet,

and the funny thing is I don't want to be there yet.

Is it everything I imagined?

Nothing happened.

I never thought we wouldn't make it.

Does anyone?

I was shocked, frozen.

I never thought that I would hear you say

that you were done.

I wanted to reach you before that point but

I guess by then it was too late.

I was so fucking angry, Cee.

I'm still angry.

Because we failed.

We.

Shame on us, right?

You always said that you never wanted to divorce.

You made me promise,

promise our marriage before you even proposed.

I don't know where that came from, my feelings on that.

God knows it wasn't in the family.

We did better than most.

Divorcing after 30 years is a bigger failure

than lasting four.

No, my parents were not my inspiration.

I always believed, I mean, truly believed

that when I got married, it was for life.

I didn't wanna commit to something through habit,

I mean it had to be real.

The thought of divorce made me walk

a couple of times before I met you.

Then of course there was you,

I mean you had it, you had a thing.

You had me.

What did I know?

We settled in.

Eventually, yeah.

Yeah I like to think it took a few years but yeah.

We did.

That's why it hit like a sledgehammer.

When you backed away, I felt this instant disconnect,

just a destructive disconnect.

I know.

All I wanted was to spend time with you

and do things with you.

Every time I would get my feelings hurt

and I start to feel rejected.

It can't be a love story without it.

You never held my feelings with any real worth.

Anytime I would show you that I was hurt

you'd just push them to the side.

I really, really resented that.

That was the problem.

You never showed me anything other than anger.

I mean, I'd only find out about the hurt

once you came out of the mist.

If you knew that I was hurt,

why couldn't you show some compassion?

Pfff.

That's a tough thing to ask, Claudia,

when you live under a veil of rage.

Look, when you fired a shot,

my defenses, they shot back.

Now that's my shit.

I know that, I own that,

I take my responsibility in that.

And I didn't?

Not usually, no.

Usually you would find a way

of making me hear your point

and you didn't let it go

until you thought that I got it.

But the truth was, I always got it.

But only after your destructive actions.

You always got it?

Once explained, yeah.

Then why couldn't you get it

before it reached the destructiveness?

Because I wasn't a mind reader.

Yeah but you weren't blind, either.

If my feelings were hurt,

you knew that pushing them aside

or saying that they weren't justified

just aggravated the situation.

Instead of easing them, you made me...

You judged me for having them.

No.

I judged you for exploding, big difference.

And that hurt you?

Absolutely.

And would you then explode?

Sure.

Right.

So you would hurt my feelings

and I would react, which would cause you

to have the same reaction.

You do the same thing, we're both to blame.

My reaction only ignited when yours did.

And mine only ignited when you ignored my pain.

Oh, good god.

All you ever had to do

was say that you were hurt.

I would have comforted you every single time.

But you hated ever showing vulnerability.

You saw that as a weakness and that was the problem.

And you know what, sometimes,

sometimes it's okay to keep your feelings to yourself.

That saves us both.

That way you can ignore the vulnerability

and I don't have to take the swings you throw.

What does that even mean?

There's nothing wrong with having feelings

and expressing them.

Yes, yes there is, there totally is.

You know what, sometimes it's okay

not to voice every little fucking emotion,

that's the cause of today's drama.

So I should just keep it all in,

bottle it all up?

I do.

I know, and look where that got us.

I don't feel the need to tell you every little thing,

I just don't.

You know, sometimes it's okay to sit

with your own damn feelings and not give them the power

by being spoken.

Sometimes you drive me to the point of insanity

and I feel like punching you in the face!

But I don't feel the need to tell you that.

I don't, because it's not true.

Not every feeling has a fiber of truth within it.

I'm sorry, but they don't.

Sometimes it's okay to feel something

and to keep it to your fucking self.

Yeah, what do you do with your psychotic anger issues?

I deal with them.

How, by punching a hole in the wall?

Hah.

You know what, fun fact,

every man in the world has put his fist through a wall.

It's better than putting it close to you.

So chivalry is not dead.

You know what I mean.

No, I'm not sure that I do.

I like to think that if I feel something, anything,

I can share that with the person that I'm married to.

Yeah, except when you feel like writing letters.

Cheap shot?

No.

It just makes me sad, that's all.

That you wrote them,

or that I found them?

A little bit of both, I guess.

Look, can we just stop?

I do not feel great

and I'd really like to feel nice at some point today.

Hey, feel like joining me for a drink, Annie?

I don't drink.

Well, pretend you do and join me anyway?

How much longer are you gonna be in town?

I'm leaving tomorrow.

Head north for the day before we come back through.

Why you are here?

It's family business.

Of course, sorry.

No, no, no.

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

Yeah, I think so.

You sure I can't tempt you?

- Just a- - I can't.

Not here.

No, my rules, not theirs.

I understand.

But I know a coffee place not far from here.

It's actually close to my house too.

I don't know if you want.

Or tea?

Or tea.

You do tea?

Both?

You know what, that would be great, Annie.

That would be beautiful, really great.

I like you remember my name.

I'd be crazy not to.

Grazie.

So you're the one, huh?

Yes, born and raised.

I mean most people leave to larger cities but

I missed it here.

This is home.

I'm happy here.

You like it at the hotel?

Mhmm, ci.

Well, I like to see new faces every day.

Say hello, goodbye.

Well.

I mean it's fleeting but it's real.

Actually, it's rare to see someone like you.

Like me, what do you mean?

I meant someone who is not on his nature hike?

Or one of those, what's the name in English,

how do you call the things that you walk with?

The motorbike, skillet?

No.

The horse.

How do you call it in English?

You know the one that you use like the canes, or,

- Canes? - Cane?

- What? - A walker?

The walker, with the tennis balls on the bottom?

That's what you mean?

Yeah.

For the older generation.

Yes.

So what, you're saying that only bearded hikers

and old people visit the village?

Yes.

That's cute, but that's not true.

Why not?

Well, 10 years ago, I came through here on my honeymoon.

We were both young and freshly shaved,

not a hiking boot in sight.

Okay, good point.

So maybe it's just my experience then.

Perhaps.

- Perhaps. - Yeah.

I just have to open my mind a little bit more.

So tell me, this place here.

Is this the highlight of the local fare?

I mean the beautiful lady over there

looks like she could still take me in an arm wrestle.

I mean is this where it all goes down?

No.

This is just a place.

And then it's up to the individual to be creative.

But there's so much stuff to do here.

Yeah, I'm sure.

You know there's a pool at the hotel.

No one ever uses it.

Well at night, no, it's too cold.

But also during the day.

Too old.

Wanna go swim with me?

Now?

Right now, yeah.

I mean we can't do it when any of the staff are around.

Your rules, I'm just...

Well.

Thank you so much for your cavalier attitude, but,

no, Ryan, I'm not going swimming with you now.

Why not?

Well.

I don't have my swimming suit, first of all.

Yeah, we'll improvise.

It's too cold.

You'll adjust in no time.

You're crazy.

A little bit, yeah.

It's too far.

I don't know of one closer, so.

I do.

This way.

I hope you know the owners.

What happened to cavalier?

I thought about the risk of trespassing.

The risk of apathy far outweighs that.

That's true.

No peeking.

No touching, just swimming.

Deal?

Deal.

And no peeing.

I can't guarantee that.

We're waiting.

We?

Me, the sky,

the universe.

We.

So you're gonna give me the same courtesy?

Absolutely not.

Oh.

It's cold.

Mhmm, it's freezing.

Tell me about her.

Why?

Just because.

I don't think I can.

Why not?

I'm not ready.

It will get better.

I know.

It will get better.

Why not?

Hey, it's me.

It's good.

Yeah, yeah, good.

A little.

It's tough, you know?

Yeah, kind of.

And they make me feel weird sometimes.

They give me strange dreams.

Maybe, I don't know,

it's given me time, I guess, to think.

About everything.

Well, like everything.

My marriage, my childhood.

You, dad.

Life, my life.

It's just that I'm starting to see this,

this common need for me to make sense of it all.

And that need is becoming

more and more obvious.

Letting go.

The fear, anger, the pain.

It also means letting go of all the good stuff too.

You know, just, letting it come and pass.

I don't know, just feel the emotion

of it all and just

let it be.

It feels easy actually.

As long as I'm paying attention it feels easy.

It's about forgiveness, Mom.

We'll have to forgive, right?

I guess that's what I'm trying to say.

I forgive you.

For anything.

For everything, I don't know.

Anything you've ever felt guilty about as a mother.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I'm not trying to make you feel bad, mom, okay?

Every kid is shaped in some way

by something that happened in their earlier life.

I'm just letting you know

and freeing myself in the process, that's all.

Yeah but, do you hear me?

I love you and I forgive you.

I'm sorry about that.

Maybe you can forgive me too.

Mom, hey, it's not about punishment.

No.

It's all about love, actually.

Not yet, no.

Today.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I will.

Yeah, yeah.

I love you too.

All right, bye.

Hey.

Hey.

You okay?

Yeah, you know.

Where've you been?

I took a long walk

somewhere beyond the olive groves.

What happened to your face?

I think I'm gonna try to come off the pills.

It's time.

Only you can tell.

I think I gotta take it as it comes.

Face it head-on, you know?

It's a lot to deal with head-on.

Are you gonna discuss it with your doctor?

He'll continue pushing pills down my throat

for as long as I'm insured.

I just don't wanna live in the fog anymore.

The other way might not be that much clearer.

At least I'll know it's real.

Medicated, I walk a thin line.

I'll support you, you know that.

I'm just tired.

Tired of being sad.

Okay.

So what say you, hmm?

Ready to take our last trip

down our lane of memories, hit the road?

Yeah.

I can be ready in about five.

Might take me a little longer.

Overpacked?

Yeah.

Why I feel the need to pack more than two jackets

is a mystery, a slightly embarrassing mystery.

It's easy to love perfect.

It's the little annoyances that take time.

Hey.

Yeah?

I love you.

You ready?

Yeah, I think so.

For our anniversary last year,

this trip was always on my mind.

To walk back in the footsteps of two kids

who fell in love

and decided to take in the majesty

of a country we both felt connected to.

10 years ago, I married the woman of my dreams.

And I promised to love her, protect her.

To live and to die with her.

Now we chose to come to this village because

we heard this is where your grandma married grandpa, right?

And for years you were told that there were no records,

no proof, no definite guarantee

that this is where they shared their vows.

Now, as a 25 year old,

my sources relied on stories from your folks

and I didn't think of digging much deeper,

so we decided not to go.

10 years on,

I thought it would be a shame not to.

So.

Wanna see where they said I do?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Yes.

Wait here.

Psst.

You're out of your mind.

We both know that to be the case.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

But it's too late, baby.

All of it.

You're too late.

I'm so sorry.

This is it.

This is it.

So many memories.

This was one of the happiest moments of our lives.

We have to talk about it, right?

I don't want to.

I know.

But we have to.

I just miss you so much, Cee.

You died on a Saturday.

They gave us enough time to process, but,

I didn't believe them.

I couldn't.

Out of nothing.

Out of nowhere.

I held on to you every day.

And I pushed through my guilt, my pain,

my hate,

my resentment.

You were my everything, kid,

and I don't know how to do this without you.

We've come this far, huh?

I have to say goodbye and it breaks my heart.

Hey.

In your will,

you requested to have your ashes scattered

in the one place you call paradise.

The trip was what I needed.

It gave me strength, time.

Know that I can never fully heal.

The truth is, I don't want to.

I always want to feel like something is missing

because it is.

And all I can promise

is that every time your face appears,

I won't feel sorrow.

I will smile as big as I can.

For you were the greatest teacher,

friend,

foe,

lover.

Wife.

And now,

I let go.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull