Original subtitles

HEY, LOOK WHAT THE VALENTINE'S DAY ELF BROUGHT YOU.

THE BAG SAYS "CARWASH" ON IT.

IT WAS ON THE WAY HOME.

AUNT CATE, BE MINE.

CAR FRESHENER.

WELL, YOU KNOW, C.J., NOTHING SAYS "BE MINE"

LIKE "YOUR CAR STINKS."

AND BRIDGET?

A GENUINE BOBBLEHEAD DOLL OF MR. WAYNE GRETZKY, HUH?

YOU'RE WELCOME.

AND WHAT DID THE ELF GET FOR KERRY THE ELF?

SOME WATER... FROM FRANCE.

SURE THEY'RE COWARDS BUT THEY DO MAKE THE BEST WATER.

AND RORY, I'M SORRY.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE ELF BAG FOR YOU...

EXCEPT...

A POSTCARD OF TWO GORILLAS DRINKING BEER.

IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH, BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH.

TWO GORILLAS DRINKING BEER MADE YOU...

AHA HA HA HA!

AND FOR MY FAVORITE GAMPY... SEA MONKEYS?

THEY SAY PETS MAKE OLD PEOPLE LIVE LONGER.

FOR EVERY ACTION, THERE IS AN EQUAL

AND OPPOSITE REACTION.

WHEN YOU SIT IN YOUR CHAIR...

SO ANYWAY, I REALLY LIKE THE HIGH-RISE THONG,

BUT ALL THEY SEEM TO MAKE THESE DAYS ARE THE LOW-RIDING KIND.

- THAT IS SO TRUE. - I JUST HATE THAT...

DO YOU KNOW, I APPRECIATE YOUR UNDERWEAR DILEMMA,

BUT I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE TEACHER.

I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TOO.

ANYWAY, THE LOW-RIDING THONG DRIVES ME NUTS.

- I CAN'T STAND THE WAY... - EXCUSE ME.

- I'M TALKING. - NONSTOP.

JEREMY, BRIDGET, IS THERE A PROBLEM?

- NO. - I'M FINE.

- SCIENCE GEEK. - MORON.

OKAY, JEREMY AND BRIDGET ARE GOING TO BE LAB PARTNERS.

AND KELLY AND JENNA, AND SCOTT AND SHARON.

GREAT. YAY!

NOW WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND WE'LL BOTH GET As.

YOU KNOW WHAT? KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND WE'LL BOTH GET Ds.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

SO DID YOU SAY YOU'RE GETTING AN A IN THIS CLASS?

YEP.

UM, HOW ABOUT ENGLISH? GETTING AN A IN THAT TOO?

"WHAT ABOUT ENGLISH."

NO NO, I ASKED, ARE YOU GETTING AN A?

NO, IT'S "WHAT ABOUT ENGLISH," NOT "HOW ABOUT ENGLISH."

- I MEAN, MAYBE IF YOU SPOKE ENGLISH. - AND MAYBE IF YOU SPOKE...

REGULAR.

OKAY, HERE'S THE THING:

SEE, MY GRADES ARE JUST A WEE BIT LOWER

THAN THEY NEED TO BE FOR ME TO GET INTO COLLEGE.

- MMM, SHOCKER. - YEAH.

AND MY MOM'S TOTALLY FREAKING OUT ABOUT ME GOING TO COLLEGE

AS IF MY ENTIRE FUTURE RIDES ON IT,

BUT LOOK AT ME. YOU KNOW I'M GONNA MARRY WELL.

AND OFTEN.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING

IS MAYBE YOU COULD BE MY LAB PARTNER IN ENGLISH

AND IN SCIENCE.

DON'T YOU MEAN YOUR TUTOR?

WELL, TUTOR, LAB PARTNER... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

ABOUT 10 BUCKS AN HOUR.

COME ON, YOU GET TO BE WITH ME.

HMM... $15.

THIS IS JUST GONNA BE THE MOST ROMANTIC VALENTINE'S DAY EVER.

WHY IS THAT?

WELL, DYLAN'S GOING TO PICK ME UP IN HIS CONVERTIBLE

AND SHOWER ME WITH GIFTS.

I JUST LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY.

IT'S TOTALLY STUPID.

IT'S A MADE-UP CORPORATE HOLIDAY.

THERE'S SO MUCH PRESSURE TO DO SOMETHING BIG

BUT EVERYONE JUST WINDS UP DOING SOMETHING MECHANICAL

AND ROTE AND WITH NO FEELING AT ALL.

YEAH. AND THOSE LITTLE HEARTS TASTE LIKE CHALK.

I REMEMBER IN HIGH SCHOOL

I NEEDED A DUFFLE BAG TO CARRY ALL THE CARDS I GOT.

OH, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

SURE, I MAY NOT BE MUCH NOW

AS A RESULT OF SOME HARD AND, YES, QUESTIONABLE LIVING,

BUT BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL I WAS BUFF, YOUNG AND TAN.

GOOD LOOKING. YEAH.

I WAS THE MAN.

OH, YEAH? SHOW US THE PICTURE. LET'S SEE YOUR YEARBOOK.

THE MAN WAS SICK ON PICTURE DAY.

GRANDPA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

- NOTHING. - NOTHING?

NO, THAT'S ONE OF THE GREAT THINGS ABOUT HAVING YOUR WIFE LEAVE YOU...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO A SINGLE THING ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

NOTHING, NADA, ZIPPO!

WELL, IF YOU WERE GETTING GRAM SOMETHING...

OH, PLEASE, YOU CAN'T WIN THAT ONE.

EVERY YEAR YOU GOTTA TOP WHAT YOU GAVE THE YEAR BEFORE.

YOU GIVE THEM FLOWERS? YOU GOTTA GIVE THEM MORE FLOWERS.

AND NOT THE ONES FROM THE YARD. NO NO.

NO, YOU GOTTA PAY THOSE JACKED-UP STORE PRICES

FOR THE SAME DAMN FLOWERS EXCEPT THEY HAVE CELLOPHANE.

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON CANDY.

DON'T WORRY. I GOT THE POINT.

YOU KNOW, YOU GET 'EM A BIG BOX OF CHOCOLATES

AND IT'S LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'D YOU GET ME THAT FOR?

THEY'RE SO FATTENING."

YOU GET 'EM A LITTLE BITTY BOX AND IT'S LIKE,

"OH, SO YOU THINK I'M FAT?"

NOW JEWELRY IS THE WORST! NOW YOU...

GRAMPS, GRAMPS? I GOTTA GO.

NO, DYLAN, YOU SHUT UP!

NO, YOU SHUT UP!

DYLAN, YOU SHUT UP.

OKAY, YOU SHUT UP.

OKAY, BYE.

MY NEW BOYFRIEND SO GETS ME.

MM-HMM.

AHEM, ALL RIGHT, SO...

WHAT IS EURIPIDES TRYING TO SAY ABOUT WAR IN "THE TROJAN WOMEN"?

YOU KNOW, WHY AM I GETTING THE IMPRESSION

THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN READ THE PLAY?

WELL, I KIND OF GOT AS FAR AS THE "TROJAN" AND STARTED TO GIGGLE.

ALL RIGHT, BRIDGET, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN, OKAY?

NOW HELEN IS THE FACE THAT LAUNCHED 1,000 SHIPS.

LET ME PUT IT IN YOUR WORDS:

UM, SHE WAS, LIKE, TOTALLY HOT.

OH.

SO THAT'S WHY MEN WENT TO WAR FOR HER.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT ACTUALLY BRINGS UP AN INTERESTING POINT.

DO YOU THINK THE WAR GOT STARTED OVER A WOMAN

OR DO YOU THINK THE GREEKS WERE TRYING TO GET CONTROL OVER A WATERWAY?

CAN I USE A LIFELINE?

MOM, WHAT'S THE BEST GIFT DAD EVERY GOT YOU FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

WELL, YOUR DAD AND I HAD THIS TRADITION:

HE WOULD GET ME MY FAVORITE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE,

AN AMAZING BOX OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES,

AND ONE RED ROSE.

JUST ONE? DAD WAS CHEAP?

NO. WELL... NO.

IT'S JUST THAT WE DECIDED A LONG TIME AGO

THAT A SMALL TASTE OF THE BEST OF SOMETHING

WAS BETTER THAN A HUGE AMOUNT OF SOMETHING JUST SO-SO.

- THAT'S REALLY ROMANTIC... - YEAH.

AND CHEAP.

JEREMY, PLEASE DON'T GO!

I NEED TO STUDY.

BRIDGET, I HAVE MY OWN STUDYING TO DO.

ALL RIGHT? I'M NOT GONNA WASTE MY TIME

WITH SOMEONE WHO USES HER CELL PHONE LIKE IT'S PROVIDING OXYGEN.

WHAT?

BRIDGET, YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE A GUY IN YOUR ROOM.

I AM TRYING TO GET INTO COLLEGE.

DID HE SAY HE COULD GET YOU INTO COLLEGE?

SO WHAT ARE YOU AND KYLE DOING FOR VALENTINE'S DAY?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO THE MOVIES. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

YOU KNOW, KERRY, THIS IS YOUR FIRST VALENTINE'S DAY WITH A BOYFRIEND

INSTEAD OF A STUFFED ANIMAL.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO LIGHTEN UP AND ENJOY IT.

IT'S TOTALLY STUPID. IT'S A DAY THAT EXISTS

TO POINT OUT WHO HAS SOMEBODY AND WHO DOESN'T.

AND IT MAKES THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T FEEL AWFUL.

OH, KERRY, IT'S OKAY. YOU'RE NOT ONE OF THEM ANYMORE.

THAT IS THE PAST. AND THIS YEAR

YOU'LL BE GETTING A VALENTINE CARD THAT YOU DIDN'T MAIL TO YOURSELF.

I'VE NEVER MAILED...

AND KYLE IS GOING TO WINE AND DINE YOU

AND SHOWER YOU WITH PRESENTS. AND BY THE END OF THE NIGHT

YOU ARE GONNA FEEL LIKE A PRINCESS.

WELL, I GUESS FEELING LIKE A PRINCESS JUST ONCE

- WOULDN'T TOTALLY SUCK. - MMM.

IT'S DYLAN. PROBABLY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT TO GET ME FOR VALENTINE'S.

HI, DYL. I LIKE DARK CHOCOLATE,

ANYTHING GUMMY AND... WHAT?

WHAT? OH, WHATEVER.

BYE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. HE JUST HAD TO CANCEL.

- WHY? - SOMETHING ABOUT APPENDICITIS.

APPENDICITIS? THAT'S AWFUL.

YEAH, AND ON VALENTINE'S DAY! WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAPPEN TO ME?

KERRY, I LIVE FOR VALENTINE'S DAY.

I MEAN, IT'S A DAY SET ASIDE FOR BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.

SO YOU DON'T THINK THAT UNATTRACTIVE PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE?

OH, KERRY, THAT'S NOT LOVE; THAT'S COMPANY.

HI, GRANDPA.

DID YOU NAME YOUR SEA MONKEYS YET?

C.J., WOULD YOU COME OVER HERE FOR A MINUTE?

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

WHERE'S THE CANE?

THROW IT OVER THERE.

YOU KNOW, C.J., IT REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS

WHEN YOU MAKE JOKES ABOUT ME BEING OLD.

REALLY?

GRANDPA, I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I THINK I NEED TO DRINK SOMETHING TO FEEL BETTER.

OR... OR YOU COULD DO ME A LITTLE FAVOR.

SURE. WHAT DO YOU NEED?

WELL, I WANT YOU TO BUY ME SOME DRUGS.

IS THIS A STING?

NO NO, IT'S MEDICATION FOR MY HIP.

OH. COOL, RIGHT. OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A PEN AND IF YOU COULD WRITE IT DOWN ON A...

PIECE OF PAPER.

"ACETYLSALICYLIC ACID"?

- ALL RIGHT, I'M ON IT. - HEY, THANK YOU, SON.

THE THING OF IT IS IT'S ON BACK ORDER RIGHT NOW

AND THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN GET IT IS CANADA.

WHAT?

DUDE, I'M NOT GOING TO CANADA FOR YOU

ON VALENTINE'S DAY.

I'LL NEVER MAKE IT BACK IN TIME FOR LAST CALL

AND THAT'S WHEN I GET GOOD LOOKING.

ALL RIGHT, OLD YELLER, I'LL GO.

I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I CAN.

THANK YOU, SON.

WHAT A TOOL.

- HEY, HONEY. - HEY, MOM.

OH... OH MY GOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS.

- WELL, I... - RORY, THIS IS THE SWEETEST THING

ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME.

HONEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU, REALLY. FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

OH, RORY!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MOM.

HEY, ROR.

HEY, MISSY.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

WOW. THIS IS SO COOL.

I HAVE TO TELL YOU, KERRY,

THIS IS THE BEST VALENTINE'S DAY EVER.

THAT IS SO SWEET.

SO DO YOU WANT TO EXCHANGE GIFTS NOW

OR DO YOU WANT TO WAIT FOR LATER?

HA! GOOD ONE.

THANKS.

YOU KNOW AND TO THINK, LAST YEAR

I BOUGHT YOUR SISTER ALL THAT STUFF.

I MEAN, I AM SAVING, LIKE, SO MUCH MONEY.

SO WHAT MOVIE DO YOU WANT TO SEE?

THERE'S THE LOVEY-DOVEY SANDRA BULLOCK MOVIE.

YEAH, I WOULD HAVE DEFINITELY GOT STUCK SEEING THAT ONE LAST YEAR.

BUT NOT THIS YEAR.

I LOVE GOING OUT WITH YOU.

YEAH, I LOVE GOING OUT WITH YOU TOO.

"NIGHT OF THE GORY DEAD CORPSES."

ONE, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, AT FIRST I THOUGHT THE PLAY WAS REALLY ROMANTIC,

BUT THEN THE END IS SO SAD.

IT'S LIKE EURIPIDES IS SAYING WAR IS BAD.

WOW.

YOU ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND THE PLAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK.

THANK YOU.

AND YOU'RE NOT AS DULL AS YOU LOOK.

WELL, LOOK AT YOU: A GRAMMATICALLY-CORRECT INSULT.

- SHUT UP. - YOU SHUT UP!

- NO, YOU SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP.

HELLO, BRIDGET, JEREMY.

HEY, JENNA.

WELL, I'M GONNA GO FIND OUR WAITRESS; SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH OUR SHAKES.

WELL, DON'T YOU TWO MAKE A CUTE COUPLE?

OH, ME AND JEREMY?

NO NO, YOU DON'T THINK WE'RE TOGETHER-TOGETHER. HE'S MY TUTOR.

OH, REALLY? WHAT'S HE TUTORING YOU IN?

LOVE?

WE WERE STUDYING AT MY HOUSE AND WANTED TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

I'M TOTALLY GOING OUT WITH DYLAN WHO'S GOT APPENDICITIS.

YEAH, RIGHT, BRIDGE.

I AM. HE WAS GONNA TAKE ME OUT ANYWAY,

BUT I WAS LIKE, "DYLAN, YOU CAN'T DRIVE YOUR CONVERTIBLE

WITH YOUR GUTS HANGING OUT." CALL THE HOSPITAL. HE'S THERE.

I'M JUST TEASING.

I PROMISE I WON'T TELL ANYONE YOU'RE HERE. OKAY?

OKAY. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

WELL, OUR SHAKES ARE COMING...

SOMETHING ABOUT THE MACHINE BEING BROKEN.

THAT TWO-FACED LIAR.

NO, I THINK SHE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH.

THE MANAGER'S BACK THERE WORKING ON IT.

SO WHERE WERE WE?

OH, THAT'S RIGHT. YOU WERE PRETENDING NEVER TO HAVE NOTICED ME.

WHAT?

CAN WE JUST STICK TO THE STUFF THAT'S GONNA BE ON THE TEST?

WHY? YOU KNOW THE MATERIAL BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS.

YOU CAN GO BACK TO TELLING ME TO SHUT UP AND STUFF.

- OKAY, SHUT UP. - NO, YOU SHUT UP.

DO YOU HAVE TO TALK SO LOUD?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

OH, I GET IT.

YOU DO?

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S PRETTY CLEAR.

WELL, I GOTTA GO.

MY GIRLFRIEND'S WAITING

AND MARCHING-BAND PRACTICE JUST GOT OUT.

I GOTTA GO MEET HER. WE'RE GONNA GO SHOPPING FOR XYLOPHONES.

- THANK YOU. - YEAH.

SO IF YOU JUST WANT TO PAY ME, I'LL GET OUT OF HERE.

DOUBLE. IT'S A HOLIDAY.

HERE. THESE ARE FOR YOU.

OH, RORY, THIS IS SO SWEET.

AREN'T THESE THE SILK FLOWERS FROM THE BATHROOM?

UH... WOMEN.

RORY!

WAIT HERE ONE SEC.

OKAY.

UM, HONEY, ABOUT THESE GIFTS...

YOU KNOW, THE CIDER AND CHOCOLATE...

I REALIZED I MADE A MISTAKE.

MAKE SURE THEY GET TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNER.

NO, MOM, THEY'RE FOR YOU. YOU KEEP 'EM.

UM, HONEY, THOSE SILK FLOWERS FROM THE BATHROOM,

THEY'RE REALLY EXPENSIVE.

GET 'EM BACK.

HERE, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

OH, RORY, THIS IS SO ROMANTIC.

THANK YOU. SHOULD I GET US TWO GLASSES?

OKAY.

HEY, THIS IS USED CHOCOLATE!

WHAT?

YEAH, SOMEONE ATE LIKE HALF THE BOX!

SORRY.

ISN'T A SMALL AMOUNT OF SOMETHING REALLY GOOD

BETTER THAN A WHOLE LOT OF SOMETHING THAT'S ONLY SO-SO?

SOUNDS LIKE A FANCY WAY OF SAYING "CHEAP."

- BUT I... LET ME... - I'LL JUST SEE YOU MONDAY.

I TOLD YOU.

LOOK AT THE BOUQUET THAT GIRL HAS.

THEY'RE SO GIGANTIC SHE CAN BARELY WALK.

YEAH. FOOL PROBABLY SPENT LIKE 50 BUCKS ON THAT.

I DON'T NECESSARILY THINK HE'S A FOOL.

DUMB CORPORATE HOLIDAY.

- FLOWER FOR THE PRETTY LADY. - NO THANK YOU.

GOD, KYLE!

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S VALENTINE'S DAY.

EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, PEOPLE ARE BEING SHOWERED WITH GIFTS

AND HAVING THE BEST, MOST ROMANTIC NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES,

AND YOU MAKE ME BUY MY OWN TICKET TO A MOVIE

WHERE PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE ARE LITERALLY VOMITING.

YOU SAID YOU HATED VALENTINE'S DAY.

I KNOW. I DO.

THEN STUPID BRIDGET GOT ME ALL EXCITED ABOUT IT.

NEVER MIND. JUST TAKE ME HOME.

WHAT? NO.

NO. LOOK, OKAY?

I WASN'T GONNA GIVE YOU THIS UNTIL AFTER MIDNIGHT

BECAUSE THEN IT WOULDN'T BE VALENTINE'S DAY ANYMORE,

BUT YOUR OWN SPECIAL DAY.

WELL, YOU LOOK SO SAD, SO... HERE.

WHAT IS IT?

OPEN IT.

OH MY GOD.

THESE ARE ALL OF OUR EMAILS.

YOU MADE OUR EMAILS INTO A BOOK?

YEAH.

THIS IS... SO INCREDIBLY ROMANTIC.

AND I AM SUCH A GOOD WRITER!

IT WAS SO CLOSE.

I MEAN, MY REPUTATION COULD HAVE BEEN RUINED.

WHAT WAS I THINKING GOING OUT WITH JEREMY IN PUBLIC ON VALENTINE'S DAY?

WELL, MAYBE YOU JUST ASSUMED...

WHEN HE SAID HE HAD TO MEET HIS GIRLFRIEND, I THINK THEY BELIEVED HIM.

WELL, IT WAS REALLY NICE OF HIM TO MAKE THAT UP FOR YOU.

YEAH, I THINK HE MADE IT UP.

I MEAN, THE GUY CAN'T ACTUALLY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND, RIGHT?

I MEAN, CAN HE?

MMM.

A SMART, CUTE, THOUGHTFUL GUY

WITH A BRIGHT FUTURE GETTING A DATE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

I DOUBT IT.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M GONNA CALL HIM AND THANK HIM FOR WHAT HE DID.

YOU'RE GONNA CALL HIM?

WELL, IT WAS NICE. DON'T YOU THINK IT WAS NICE?

I MEAN, HE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH.

MMM. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU LIKE HIM.

LIKE "LIKE HIM," LIKE HIM?

NO. NO WAY. NO.

MMM. WHATEVER YOU SAY.

NO. NO WAY!

WELL, HAVE YOU CALLED DYLAN YET?

WHY WOULD I CALL HIM AND RUIN MY VALENTINE'S DAY?

WELL, HONEY, HE'S LAID UP IN THE HOSPITAL WITH APPENDICITIS.

HE AIN'T DOING SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.

"WELL."

WHAT?

HE AIN'T DOING SO WELL.

- GOOD NIGHT, MOM. - GOOD NIGHT, HONEY.

THAT WAS VERY NICE... IT WAS REAL NICE WHAT YOU DID TONIGHT.

IT WAS REAL NICE WHAT YOU DID...

REALLY NICE?

SUPER NICE. IT WAS SUPER NICE WHAT YOU DID.

HELLO?

HELLO?

HELLO?

GRANDPA, DON'T ANSWER THAT.

OKAY.

HELLO?

HEY, IT'S C.J.

ACETYLSALICYLIC ACID?

YOU SENT ME ALL THE WAY TO CANADA FOR ASPIRIN?

C.J., THE PAIN IN MY HIP IS STILL HERE,

BUT NOW THE PAIN IN MY ASS IS IN CANADA!