Original subtitles

- HEY, MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON? - GETTING RIPPED.

MIGHT WANT TO START WITH THREE SETS OF A BILLION.

I'M TIRED OF BEING SKINNY. CHICKS HATE SKINNY GUYS.

- HEY, I'M SKINNY. - I KNOW.

DUDE, CHICKS LOVE THIS.

YEAH, WELL, LADIES MY AGE AREN'T ALLOWED TO DRINK.

RIGHT NOW I'M THE ALPHA DOG AT MIDDLE SCHOOL.

- AH. - BUT NEXT YEAR...

- IT'S THE SHOW, MAN. - OKAY.

HIGH SCHOOL. AND I WANT TO BE POPULAR.

- SO I'M THINKING SPORTS. - I HEAR YA.

I REMEMBER MY HIGH SCHOOL DAYS... FOOTBALL, BASKETBALL, BASEBALL.

- YOU? - YEAH, I WENT TO ALL THE GAMES.

BUT WHERE I BECAME A LEGEND,

AND I MEAN LEGEND,

WAS BEING FUNNY, PULLING PRANKS.

DUDE, ONE TIME I STOLE A SCHOOL MASCOT.

WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL WAS IT?

IT WAS AN ALLIGATOR.

- NO, IT WASN'T. - IT WAS A BOBCAT.

- NO, IT WASN'T. - IT WAS A DUCK.

IT'S AMAZING YOU WEREN'T NIBBLED TO DEATH.

WELL...

IT DID COST ME A FINGERTIP AND 25¢ IN CRACKED CORN.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I BECAME KNOWN AS?

- THE GUY WHO STOLE THE DUCK? - YOU HEARD OF ME!

YOU KNOW, IT'S FREEZING OUT IN MY VAN.

THE HEATER ONLY WORKS IF PEOPLE STOP UNPLUGGING IT.

WAS IT YOU?

GRANDPA?

GRANDPAPPY?

G-DIDDY?

C.J., COULD YOU COME A LITTLE CLOSER?

THIS IS MY BAD EAR.

I SAID I CAN'T BELIEVE GRAND...

DAD, WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT HITTING C.J. WITH YOUR CANE?

NOT TO DO IT.

IT'S 'CAUSE OF HIM I'M USING THE DAMN CANE.

TRIPPING OVER HIS DAMN EXTENSION CORD,

BRUISING MY HIP.

NOW I CAN'T STAND UP. I CAN'T WALK...

OKAY NOW, DAD, LET'S BE POSITIVE.

THERE MUST BE SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.

MM, I CAN PLOT MY REVENGE.

I SAID I WAS SORRY, OKAY?

BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT ANYWAY?

NOW, C.J., WHAT DID WE SAY ABOUT TAUNTING GRANDPA?

NOT TO DO IT.

- WHAT IN GOD'S NAME... - OH, THAT'S LUKE'S MOTORCYCLE.

HE'S JUST DROPPING BRIDGET OFF.

SHE BETTER BE WEARING A HELMET.

BRIDGET, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU...

NOT TO RIDE ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE

WITHOUT A HELMET... I DIDN'T! WHY DON'T YOU EVER BELIEVE ME?

THERE'S A BUG IN YOUR TEETH...

AND A CRICKET IN YOUR HAIR.

OKAY, YOU CAUGHT ME. I'M SORRY.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO GET HELMET HAIR.

HELMET-FREE HAIR ISN'T EXACTLY WORKING FOR YOU EITHER.

BESIDES, HONEY, IT'S ILLEGAL. AND... AND STUPID.

- AND... AND DANGEROUS... - AND WITHOUT LEATHER PANTS...

I MEAN, COME ON, PARIS. I KNOW GUYS...

DIG THE BIKER CHICK LOOK, BUT YOU'RE SO WANNABE WITHOUT THE LEATHERS.

AND THE HELMET THING IS WRONG.

BRIDGET, GO TO YOUR ROOM.

THAT'S IT? THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO? THAT GIRL NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED.

DAD, I HAVE TO PICK MY BATTLES.

IF I GROUNDED HER FOR EVERYTHING,

SHE'D NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GROUNDED FOR, GRANDPA?

THAT'S REALLY FUNNY.

HEY, C.J., YOU WANT TO SEE A CANE DISAPPEAR?

- OKAY, I'M OFF. - ALL RIGHT, KERRY!

FRIDAY NIGHT OUT ROCKIN' THE SUBURBS.

I'M GOING TO THE LIBRARY.

RIGHT, THE LIBRARY.

I'M COOL. SO WHERE'S THE RAVE?

DRAW ME A MAP.

I'M GOING TO THE LIBRARY.

OKAY, COOL. YOU KNOW WHAT? I RESPECT THAT.

WOW, THERE'S A LOSER.

STRAIGHT FROM LOSERVILLE.

NOW, C.J., KERRY IS NOT A LOSER.

SHE IS MY RESPONSIBLE CHILD.

SHE'S JUST A VERY CONSCIENTIOUS STUDENT

WHO TAKES HER SCHOOLWORK SERIOUSLY.

LOSER.

TV reporter: So it should be clear but cold through the weekend.

In local news, a narcotic-sniffing

police drug dog in the Columbia School District is missing.

LEGEND.

MY MAN.

TV reporter: The golden retriever who answers to the name "Buzzkill,"

is a prized canine

which cost the police department roughly $30,000 to train.

$30,000?!

GRAND THEFT... YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

- HEY, MOM. - HI, BRIDGE.

UH, BRIDGET, ARE THOSE NEW PANTS?

YES, AREN'T THEY CUTE?

YEAH. HOW'D YOU PAY FOR 'EM?

UM, WITH YOUR CREDIT CARD.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

YOU SAID "LULU'S IS HAVING A SALE ON TOWELS.

PLEASE GO GET SOME FOR THE GUEST BATHROOM, USE YOUR OWN JUDGMENT."

SO, ON THE WAY TO THE TOWELS, I SEE THESE LEATHER PANTS THAT WERE ON SALE.

AND I REMEMBERED C.J. SAYING "YOU'RE SO WANNABE

WITHOUT THE LEATHERS," AND MY JUDGMENT SAID

"YOU DON'T WANNABE A WANNABE." AND THEN I THOUGHT...

"JUDGMENT, YOU ARE SO RIGHT."

THAT MADE NO SENSE, BUT AT LEAST SHE HAD

THE PRESENCE OF MIND TO DRAG ME INTO IT.

ALL RIGHT, BRIDGET, COME HERE.

SIT DOWN. WE HAVE TO HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

UM, FIRST, YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY

- BUZZKILL'S IN OUR HOUSE? - BECAUSE HE'S OLD, HONEY.

AND HE HAS NOWHERE TO GO.

NO NO NO, THE STOLEN DRUG DOG FROM SCHOOL.

WELL, WHAT IS A STOLEN DRUG DOG

DOING IN MY HOUSE?

MOM, I'M REALLY SAD BECAUSE THIS SOCIETY

OBJECTIFIES WOMEN.

OH, NO WORRY. WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD?

STEALING A DRUG DOG?!

I GUESS I WAS JUST TRYING TO PULL A PRANK.

I WANTED TO BECOME A LEGEND.

WHO EVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA THAT... NOT ANOTHER STEP.

IT'S... IT'S A PRANK.

YEAH, WELL, YOU WANT TO SEE A REALLY GOOD PRANK?

- CATE, WHERE'S MY CANE? - NOW, DAD.

YOU TWO PLANNED THIS, DIDN'T YOU?

YOU GOT TOGETHER AND YOU THOUGHT,

"YOU KNOW, MOM'S LIFE JUST ISN'T HECTIC ENOUGH.

WHY DON'T WE WORK TOGETHER TO DRIVE HER UP A WALL?"

THAT'S WHAT YOU DID.

- NO. - WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN YEARS.

MOM, I'M GOING TO THE DOYLES'

TO TUTOR MARY BETH ON HER ALGEBRA.

A SIT-DOWN. COOL.

ALL RIGHT, KERRY.

NOW LOOK, YOU GUYS. WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER?

WHAT... GET AWAY!

WHAT ARE YOU... GET AWAY!

KERRY, WHAT... WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT IS THAT?

KERRY, GIVE THAT TO ME.

IS THIS POT?

BET YOU'RE HAPPY HE JACKED THE POOCH NOW.

ANSWER ME, YOUNG LADY.

IS THIS YOURS?

I THINK I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY

WE ARE SO DISAPPOINTED RIGHT NOW.

RORY, GO RETURN THE DOG.

I'LL DO IT TONIGHT. I CAN'T BE SEEN IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WITH THE EVIDENCE.

I'LL TO JAIL AND WIND UP SOME GUY'S

TASTY LITTLE SWEET THANG.

KERRY, I ASKED YOU A QUESTION.

IS THIS YOURS?

MM... GIRL MUST BE TRIPPIN'.

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S ENOUGH, YOU TWO.

I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER AFTER KERRY.

GO UPSTAIRS.

COME ON, BOY.

YES, IT'S MINE.

WELL, WHERE'D IT COME FROM?

MY GUESS... NOT AMSTERDAM.

MAYBE WESTERN CANADA... SASKATOON.

BRITISH COLUMBIA...

I'M REALLY GOOD AT THIS STUFF.

- WHICH IS NOT THE POINT AT ALL. - YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, GO TO YOUR ROOM. - BUT I'M SUPPOSED TO TUTOR MARY BETH.

OH... OH... OKAY, THEN JUST GO TUTOR MARY BETH.

NO. STAY.

NO... NO, GO. NO... NO...

IF YOU'D LIKE, I COULD JUST HOVER.

THAT'S IT, SHOW ATTITUDE. GOOD CALL.

ALL RIGHT, KERRY, JUST... JUST GO TUTOR MARY BETH.

AND JUST COME BACK THE MINUTE YOU'RE DONE.

BOY, THAT'S SHOWING HER, CATE.

OH, YOU FORGOT TO GIVE HER SPENDING MONEY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I JUST FROZE.

KERRY? MARIJUANA?

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

I WONDER WHERE SHE WOULD GET SUCH AN IDEA.

CATE, COME ON, YOU LET ME IN YOUR HOME.

YOU THINK I'M GONNA REPAY YOU BY GIVING YOUR DAUGHTER WEED?

NO.

I'D BET MY LEFT EYE ON IT.

I HAVEN'T TOUCHED THAT STUFF IN FIVE YEARS.

- IN A ROW? - OKAY, TWO.

- YOU WANT SOME ADVICE? - OH, SURE.

BETWEEN THE STOLEN DRUG DOG AND THE LEATHER PANTS,

- YOU'RE BATTING A THOUSAND TODAY. - ALL I'M SAYING IS

THAT WHEN MY PARENTS CAME DOWN ON ME HARD,

I WENT IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

OBVIOUSLY, THEY DIDN'T COME DOWN HARD ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, STOP IT.

YOU WANT ME TO COME DOWN HARD ON HER. YOU WANT ME TO GO EASY.

AND I WOULD JUST LIKE TO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE MY GOOD CHILD.

THE THIEF, THE DRUGGIE OR THE BIKER CHICK?

WHAT UP, SMOKEY?

CAN'T YOU DO BETTER THAN THAT?

WHAT UP... POT SMOKER?

OH, HEY, BY THE WAY, JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU.

- FOR WHAT? - FOR GETTING MOM TO UTTER THE WORDS

"I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER."

YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR THAT?

SINCE LIKE BIRTH. PERFECT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU'RE NOT GOING OUT.

MOM'S PISSED AT YOU.

NOT AS MUCH AS SHE'S PISSED AT YOU, WHICH MEANS I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

BRIDGET, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?

OH, KERRY. I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

- I'LL DEAL WITH YOU LATER. - OKAY.

- SO? - SO?

JUST GROUND ME. GET IT OVER WITH.

NO.

KERRY, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,

MY MOM WOULD PUNISH ME AND I'D ASK HER WHY.

AND SHE'D SAY "BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER, THAT'S WHY."

BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.

YOU AND I ARE GONNA TALK.

OH, HONEY. YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT THIS YEAR.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I UNDERSTAND

IF... IF YOU'RE ACTING OUT

BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DAD.

GOD, MOM!

I'M SO SICK OF EVERYONE INTERPRETING EVERY MOVE I MAKE AS A REACTION

OF WHAT HAPPENED TO DAD.

LAST WEEK I WAS AT SCHOOL AND THEY SERVED THIS DISGUSTING LASAGNA,

SO I THREW IT OUT.

NEXT THING I KNOW, I'M IN THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE...

"KERRY, NOT EATING IS NO WAY OF DEALING WITH GRIEF."

I'M LIKE "IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GRIEF.

YOUR FOOD SUCKS!"

YOU KNOW, IN CASE NO ONE'S NOTICED,

I'M POPULAR THIS YEAR.

I HAVE A BOYFRIEND WHO LOVES ME. I'M FINE.

OKAY. YOU'RE FINE.

FAIR ENOUGH. SO... SO, SWEETIE,

LET ME ASK YOU THIS...

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

KERRY, THIS IS MARIJUANA.

IT'S ILLEGAL, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW.

OH, PLEASE, MOM! LIGHTEN UP.

TELL ME YOU DIDN'T TRY IT WHEN YOU WERE MY AGE.

HMM?

WELL, ALL RIGHT, I WON'T LIE.

YEAH, I DID.

AND IT WAS STUPID AND ILLEGAL BACK THEN TOO.

COME ON, MOM. EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

EVERYBODY DOESN'T WORK IN AN EMERGENCY ROOM LIKE I DO.

LOOK, KERRY, I SEE KIDS COME IN THERE EVERY DAY

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT IT WASN'T A BIG DEAL.

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS, ANYWAY?

COME ON.

COME ON.

THE DEBATE TEAM.

A FEW KIDS OFFERED ME A JOINT

AND I TOOK IT.

THE DEBATE TEAM SMOKES POT?

AT LEAST IN MY DAY WE THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE US COOL.

YOU TOLD ME THE DEBATE TEAM IS COOL.

IT IS. IT IS.

LOOK, I STUFFED IT IN MY BACKPACK AND LEFT IT THERE.

I NEVER TRIED IT, I SWEAR.

YOU DIDN'T EXACTLY THROW IT AWAY EITHER.

YOU'RE GROUNDED ONE MONTH.

WHATEVER.

THAT "WHATEVER" JUST BROUGHT YOU ANOTHER MONTH.

TWO MONTHS FOR DOING NOTHING?

NOTHING?! I'M TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU, OKAY?

YOU ALSO CANNOT GET YOUR LICENSE UNTIL THE FALL.

- I CAN'T GET MY LICENSE? WHY? - WHY?! WHY?!

BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER, THAT'S WHY.

HEY, CATE, GOT YOUR MAIL.

AND IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR KERRY DOWNEY JR...

I SAW HER CLIMBING DOWN THE RAIN GUTTER.

- WHAT? - SHOULD I HAVE STOPPED HER?

- HEY. - HEY.

- SO WHY DO WE HAVE TO HOOK UP HERE? - I'M GROUNDED.

HAD TO SNEAK OUT OF THE HOUSE. YOU KNOW I CLIMBED THROUGH A WINDOW FOR YOU?

AH. YOU'RE IN TROUBLE?

YOU NEVER GET IN TROUBLE. WHAT'D YOU DO?

DID YOU GET AN A-MINUS?

MY MOM FOUND WEED IN MY BACKPACK.

SHE TOTALLY FREAKED OUT. I'M GROUNDED FOR TWO MONTHS, CAN'T GET MY LICENSE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

SINCE WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING WEED?

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M PART OF THE FLUFFHEAD STONER GROUP.

I JUST HAD SOME ON ME.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

YOU KNOW MY BROTHER'S A DRUGGIE AND TOTALLY OUT THERE.

- WELL, YEAH, BUT... - THE GUY TOTALLY SCREWED UP HIS LIFE.

IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT TO SEE SOMEBODY ELSE

I CARE ABOUT GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN.

WELL, I HADN'T EVEN DECIDED IF I WAS GONNA TRY IT OR NOT.

I MEAN, WE'RE STILL OKAY, AREN'T WE?

LOOK, LET ME KNOW WHAT YOUR DECISION IS

AND THEN I'LL LET YOU KNOW MINE.

KYLE!

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? GOOD.

C.J.

SO... TROUBLE WITH THE LOLLIPOP GUILD?

HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS HERE?

TEENAGE GIRL, MALL... NOT EXACTLY A RUBIK'S CUBE.

WAS THAT YOUR BOYFRIEND?

I'M NOT SURE.

HE LOOKS FAMILIAR. I THINK I USED TO HANG OUT WITH HIS BROTHER.

LOOK...

WHITNEY HOUSTON, I GET WHY YOU TOOK OFF, ALL RIGHT?

I USED TO DO THE SAME THING WHEN MY PARENTS WIGGED OUT ON ME.

BUT TODAY I KINDA SAW WHAT HAPPENS

AFTER THE KID LEAVES

AND IT'S, UH... IT'S KIND OF TOUGH ON YOUR MOM.

SHE'S UPSET?

WELL, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A WELL, BUT YEAH.

LET ME TAKE YOU HOME.

YEAH... NO, OFFICER, THAT'S OAKDALE.

YEAH, WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, WELL, LOOK WHO SHOWS UP.

HERE WE ARE WORRIED SICK TRYING TO FIND KERRY

AND YOU'RE OUT... FINDING KERRY.

EH, GOOD JOB.

OH, IT KILLS YOU TO SAY THAT, DOESN'T IT?

A BIT LIKE SWALLOWING FIRE.

- I'M SO SORRY. - OH, KERRY.

I WON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU WON'T.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THIS THING

- AND THROW IT INTO THE FIREPLACE. - WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA.

AND GIVE EVERYONE A CONTACT HIGH? COME ON.

YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE GRANDPA CRANKING PINK FLOYD

AND WATCHING "THE WIZARD OF OZ" WITH THE SOUND OFF?

I DON'T. WE FLUSH IT.

BRIDGET.

OFFICER.

- IS THIS YOUR DAUGHTER, MA'AM? - FOR NOW.

WOW. IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING.

I HAD TO CITE YOUR DAUGHTER

FOR RIDING ON THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A HELMET.

IT WASN'T ME.

YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

WHAT, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEALING WITH ME LATER

BECAUSE OF KERRY AND... AND HER FRIENDS.

MARY, JUAN AND... ANA.

NICE TRY.

LOOK, OFFICER, I'M SORRY. MY FAMILY IS GENERALLY

VERY RESPECTFUL OF THE LAW.

HEY...

- BUDDY. - THIS IS BUZZKILL, OUR DRUG DOG.

- HOW DID HE GET HERE? - IT WAS ALL HIM.

'CAUSE THERE'S A REWARD FOR FINDING HIM.

IT WAS ALL ME, SIR.

HE SMELLS MY DOG, I BET.

HE'S FUN. GET HIM OFF ME.

- COME ON. - GOOD PUPPY.

HE'S A NICE DOG.

SIR, MAY I ASK WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH THIS?

THAT?

YEAH, SURE.

THAT'S A, UM... THAT'S 'CAUSE...

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S TIME FOR MY GLAUCOMA MEDICATION.

- THANK YOU, GRANDSON. - THERE YOU GO.

NOW, I HAVE TO MAKE A COURT APPEARANCE.

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THAT GLAUCOMA MEDICINE IS ILLEGAL IN MICHIGAN?

WELL, DAD, LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE.

YOU COULD CARPOOL TO THE COURTHOUSE WITH BRIDGET.

OH, AND YOU MIGHT AS WELL BRING RORY TOO.

HE CAN PICK UP HIS REWARD.

AND YOU THOUGHT ALL THIS BEHAVIOR WAS C.J.'S FAULT.

GUILTY.

AND YOU THOUGHT THEY WERE REACTING TO,

WELL, YOU KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED.

TURNS OUT THEY WERE JUST BEING TYPICAL REBELLIOUS TEENAGERS.

- WHICH MEANS? - YOU'RE SCREWED.

WHAT IS IT, CATE?

I JUST, UH...

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS.

YOU KNOW, THE KIDS ARE ALL REACHING COMPLICATED AGES

AND I'M A SINGLE MOM.

I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE.

YOU'RE A GREAT MOTHER AND A GREAT PARENT.

OH, IT'S HARD, DAD.

I'M JUST AFRAID I CAN'T DO IT ALL ALONE.

OH, BABY GIRL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.

FINALLY.