Original subtitles

Fred on machine: Hey, neighbor.

Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle. Just wanted to see if we could pop by for a few...

Hey, neighbor, Fred Doyle here...

Hey, neighbor...

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD RETURN ONE OF FRED'S CALLS.

OKAY, I CAN'T TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS.

THE MAN, HE CAN'T TAKE A HINT.

HE WOULD STILL KEEP CALLING HERE EVEN IF WE CHANGED

OUR OUTGOING MESSAGE TO "DOYLE YOU IDIOT, STOP CALLING."

HEY, NEIGHBOR.

- WELL! - HEY HEY!

FRED, MARY ELLEN, WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

OH, YOU LIE!

YES, WE WERE. WE USED YOUR NAMES AND EVERYTHING.

RORY, SAY HI TO THE DOYLES.

SORRY TO BURST IN LIKE THIS. WE TRIED CALLING,

BUT SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH YOUR ANSWERING MACHINE.

OH YES, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO RECEIVE

ANY INCOMING MESSAGES AT ALL.

- SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH THE ANSWERING MACHINE? - RORY, NO NO.

- - Fred: Hey, neighbor. Fred and Mary Ellen Doyle...

YOU FIXED IT!

Rory: IT WASN'T BROKE.

I SAID YOU FIXED IT.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

WE MADE DONNY A VIDEO POSTCARD.

HE GETS SO LONELY DOWN AT THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

NOTHING FANCY, MIND YOU.

JUST THE WHOLE FAMILY GOT TOGETHER TO SAY HI

AND SING A FEW TUNES FROM "SOUND OF MUSIC."

- WOW, SO DIFFERENT. - GEE.

ANYWAY, WE LEFT A LITTLE ROOM AT THE END OF THE TAPE

SO THAT DONNY'S BEST GIRL BRIDGET COULD SAY "HOWJA DOODY."

NOW YOU TELL BRIDGET SHE'S UNDER NO PRESSURE

TO SING AND DANCE ON THE TAPE.

DONNY UNDERSTANDS THAT SHE'S NOT A DOYLE.

YET.

SHE CAN DO THOSE THINGS, RIGHT?

- YES. - YOU SURE?

OKAY THEN. WELL, LISTEN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STOPPING BY, YOU GUYS.

WE'LL SEE YOU LATER, ALL RIGHT? BYE-BYE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHAT AM I THINKING HERE? ON A MORE SOMBER NOTE,

THERE IS A CRIME WAVE PRESENTLY IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.

OH, NO! BURGLARIES?

- EGGINGS. - UH-HUH.

YEAH, THE FEENEYS, THE O'TOOLES, THE JOHNSONS

HAVE ALL TAKEN THE YOLK.

AND THIS GUY KEEPS CHANGING HIS M.O...

SHAVING CREAM, TOILET PAPER.

OH, NO.

WHERE WILL THIS MADMAN STOP?

SO AS CAPTAIN OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH, I WANTED TO ASK YOU, PAUL...

FRED, LISTEN, YOU KNOW THAT I WOULD LOVE TO JOIN THE WATCH AND GO ON PATROL

WITH YOU GUYS...

PAULY, PAULY, PAULY,

LOOK, YOU'RE FAR TOO VALUABLE BEHIND A TYPEWRITER.

SEE, WHAT THIS MALCONTENT NEEDS IS A NICKNAME.

SOMETHING WE CAN PUT IN THE LOCAL PAPER TO RAISE AWARENESS.

COMING UP WITH A NAME SHOULD BE A SNAP FOR YOU.

YOU MEAN SOMETHING LIKE "THE MICHIGAN MISCHIEF-MAKER"?

- OOH, BOY, YOU WRITERS ARE AMAZING. - IT'S NOTHING.

BOY, TO COME UP WITH JUST THE RIGHT TURN OF PHRASE,

YOU MUST HAVE TO WADE THROUGH A MILLION STINKERS LIKE THAT, HUH?

YOU GOT GRIT. HE'S GOT GRIT, HONEY.

HEY, BRIDGE, CAN I BORROW YOUR GO-GO BOOTS

TO GO WITH THIS SKIRT FOR THAT '60s PARTY EVERYONE'S GOING TO?

WHAT '60s PARTY?

JUST SOME LAME PARTY.

I'M TOTALLY GONNA BLOW IT OFF...

IN YOUR BOOTS.

ALL RIGHT, KERRY, LISTEN: YOU DON'T HAVE TO PROTECT MY FEELINGS.

WHEN I WAS THE POPULAR ONE, I WENT TO MILLIONS OF REALLY COOL PARTIES

I NEVER EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT BE...

'CAUSE THEY WERE REALLY LAME.

HELLO.

DAMIAN? SHUT UP!

SHUT UP. SHUT UP!

I HATE YOU. OKAY, SEE YOU THEN.

DAMIAN?

YES, THAT REALLY HOT NEW SENIOR WITH THE HOMEMADE TATTOOS.

WE HAD THIS SECRET DATE. OH MY GOD, HE'S SUCH A GOOD KISSER,

EXCEPT WHEN HIS TONGUE RING CAUGHT ONE OF MY FILLINGS.

BRIDGET, WHAT ABOUT DONNY DOYLE?

OH, THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME THINK OF DONNY. NOW I FEEL GUILTY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY. HE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND.

AND WHEN HE FINDS OUT YOU'RE TWO-TIMING HIM, YOU'RE GONNA WIND UP ALONE.

HE'S IN MARYLAND. HOW'S HE EVER GONNA FIND THAT OUT?

DAMIAN, I TOLD YOU I'D MEET... IT'S DONNY.

YOU HAVE REACHED BRIDGET'S VOICE MAIL.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE. BEEP!

BRIDGE, HE'S NOT GONNA FALL...

HE'S LEAVING A MESSAGE! -

THAT WAS SO CLOSE.

WHAT IF I'M NOT ALWAYS THAT CLEVER?

IT IS A HIGH LEVEL TO MAINTAIN.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I AM SO GONNA GET CAUGHT.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ONE OR THE OTHER.

- ONE OR THE OTHER WHAT? - YEAH, BRIDGE, WHAT?

KERRY, IF YOU WANNA BORROW MY BOOTS, THEY'RE UPSTAIRS

IN THE BOX MARKED "SHUT UP."

GOT IT.

- WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT? - DAD, DID YOU EVER HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO THINGS

THAT YOU REALLY REALLY LIKED?

INDEED I DID.

AS A YOUNG MAN ABOUT TO EMBARK ON LIFE'S JOURNEY, I WAS FACED WITH A DILEMMA.

HI, HOW ABOUT CLIFF NOTES?

WELL, WHEN I GRADUATED COLLEGE,

I HAD TO MAKE A DECISION WHETHER OR NOT I WAS GONNA GO TO LAW SCHOOL

AS I ALWAYS PLANNED OR BECOME A WRITER.

WHICH DID YOU CHOOSE?

ANYWAY, BRIDGE,

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I FOLLOWED MY HEART AND I'VE NEVER LOOKED BACK.

- THAT'S YOUR ADVICE, FOLLOW MY HEART? - IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. I'M ALWAYS SO LOGICAL.

HEY, BRIDGET, BRIDGET, THE DOYLES BROUGHT THIS OVER FOR YOU.

THEY MADE DONNY A VIDEO LETTER.

AND THEY LEFT SOME ROOM AT THE END FOR A MESSAGE

FROM HIS SPECIAL GIRL.

YOU.

OH, RIGHT.

SO, PAUL, I ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT YOU NEVER GOT

INTO LAW SCHOOL.

- SHE ASKED FOR THE CLIFF NOTES. - OH!

Anyway, Donny, it looks like Grandma's

not gonna make it past Thanksgiving,

but on the upside, you're moving on up to the adult table.

All right, now a very special message

to Donny from Donny's little sweetheart...

Bridget Hennessy.

Perhaps the future Mrs. Donny Doyle.

Ooh, did I say that?

Oh, your mom.

Okay, hit the "off" button, honey.

Mary Maurine.

Oh, for the love of...

Hey, Donny, how's Navy college?

Not much going on here except I got these new sandals

with this really cute flower pattern, but the first time I wore 'em,

the strap broke off. When I brought 'em back, they gave me store credit.

I was all, "Yeah, like I wanna buy more of your defects."

Oh, and I think we should see other people,

and I totally understand if you wanna tell

all your Navy friends you broke up with me.

Good luck at war and stuff. Bye.

YIKES!

DUDE, SORRY.

SO CAN I CALL HER?

HEY, CATE, LISTEN TO THIS.

I CAME UP WITH A COUPLE OF NAMES FOR THIS PRANKSTER.

WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER...

"THE LONE EGGMAN"

OR THE "NEIGHBORHOODLUM"?

WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOMETHING LIKE "THE OAKDALE VANDAL"?

THE OAKDALE VANDAL.

WHO'S GONNA CRACK THE CASE, THE HARDY BOYS?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT, PAUL.

THE LONE EGGMAN IS GOLD.

FINE, I'LL JUST TRUST MY OWN INSTINCTS. RORY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

NO. WHICH DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

THE NEIGHBORHOODLUM OR THE LONE EGGMAN?

GEE, DAD, BOTH REALLY CAPTURE THE GUY.

I KNOW.

BUT WHAT ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE "THE INJUSTICE FIGHTER"

OR "THE RIGHTEOUS AVENGER"

YOU 10th GRADERS PICKED ON THE WRONG GUY"?

THAT'S TOO MANY WORDS FOR A HEADLINE.

I'LL GET IT.

HEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

DONNY.

WELL, COME IN. WHAT... WHAT IS IT?

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED AT SCHOOL.

Both: DONNY... DONNY GOT A "B."

HERE COME THE WATERWORKS.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT.

YOU'RE THIS UPSET OVER A "B"?

WE DON'T EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

WE STILL CARE ABOUT OUR KIDS' GRADES.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WE STILL CARE ABOUT OUR...

I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SENT HIM THAT BLASTED VIDEOTAPED LETTER.

FRED THINKS SOMETHING ON IT UPSET HIM.

HE GOT THE TAPE. HE FELL APART.

MARY ELLEN, IT'S TIME TO COME CLEAN.

WHEN WE SANG "CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN,"

I SANG DONNY'S PART.

IT WAS LIKE I WAS RUBBING HIS NOSE IN IT.

YOU'RE GONE.

I'M THE BIG BARITONE AROUND HERE NOW, PAL.

I'M NOTHING BUT A NO-GOOD HARMONY PART STEALER.

FRED, I'M SURE STEALING A HARMONY PART

ISN'T THE PROBLEM.

WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

WELL, BRIDGET BROKE UP WITH HIM ON THAT VIDEOTAPE.

OH, NO! I THOUGHT EVERYONE KNEW.

YOUR DAUGHTER BROKE UP WITH OUR DONNY...

ON OUR VIDEOTAPE?

YOU TOOK DONNY'S HARMONY PART?

HA! HUH?

SEE THIS? LITTLE BRIDGEY'S BEHIND DONNY'S DOWNFALL.

SHE ENCHANTED HIM WITH HER FEMININE WILES

AND FLAUNTED ALL HER WHATSITS AND WHOSITS.

- WAIT JUST A MINUTE HERE! - NOW NOW NOW NOW, FRED, WAIT.

IT'S NO ONE'S FAULT.

IN FACT, THERE MAY BE A SILVER LINING

TO THIS WHOLE MESS.

EXACTLY. MAYBE NOW DONNY CAN FOCUS

ON HIS STUDIES AGAIN.

YES, OR MAYBE, CATE,

YOU'LL START SPENDING A LITTLE MORE TIME AT HOME BEFORE KERRY TURNS INTO

A BOY-DESTROYING HUSSY LIKE HER SISTER.

WHOO! THAT'S TOO LATE.

WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HUSSY? THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE...

I CAN'T DEFEND THAT.

DAD, I TOLD YOU I'M GOING TO THAT '60s PARTY. DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN?

BOLD MOVE THERE, PAUL,

LETTING A 10-YEAR-OLD DABBLE IN THE SUMMER OF LOVE.

I'M NOT 10!

ALL RIGHT, KERRY, GO UPSTAIRS. I'LL HANDLE THIS.

LOOK, I AM SORRY ABOUT DONNY AND BRIDGET,

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN INSULT MY FAMILY,

SO I AM GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE THIS HOUSE.

WELL, WE'RE GOING,

BUT YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY, HENNESSY. MARK MY WORDS.

THE EYES OF THE NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH

NO LONGER WILL LAND UPON THIS HOUSE.

OH, NO!

HOW WILL WE EVER SURVIVE WITHOUT PUDGY MIDDLE-AGED MEN

WITH WALKIE-TALKIES TO PROTECT US?

IT'S TOO BAD DONNY AND BRIDGET COULDN'T WORK IT OUT.

YEAH, THE DOYLES WILL PROBABLY NEVER TALK TO US AGAIN.

I KNOW. I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BUY BRIDGET SOMETHING.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT?

- THAT! IT'S HIM. HE'S HERE. - WHO? WHO?!

THE MOTOWN DISTURBER.

REALLY? I THOUGHT THAT'S A KEEPER.

OKAY, WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

A TOILET BRUSH? ARE YOU GONNA SCRUB HIM TO DEATH?

WOULD YOU WANNA BE TOUCHED WITH THIS?

OW! OW! OW!

IT'S DONNY!

YOU HAD ENOUGH? HAD ENOUGH, PUNK, HUH?

PLEASE, MR. HENNESSY! MR. HENNESSY, I GIVE.

WAIT WAIT.

- OW! - DONNY!

DONNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HAD TO SEE BRIDGET.

I NEED TO SEE HER. I'M DESPERATE.

OH MY GOD, MR. HENNESSY,

YOU BEAT ME WITH A TOILET BRUSH?

WILL YOU STICK THE SUBJECT? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I HITCHHIKED ALL THE WAY HERE.

BUT TO SEE BRIDGET AGAIN, I WAS HAPPY TO RIDE IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK

WITH ALL THOSE PIGS.

DID THAT COME FROM THE MASTER BATH

OR THE GIRLS' BATHROOM?

- WHAT DOES THAT MATTER? - YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL THAT MATTERS IS SEEING BRIDGET AND WINNING HER BACK.

SHE'S THE WHOLE REASON I WENT AWOL.

AWOL? DONNY, YOU'RE IN THE MILITARY.

THIS ISN'T JUST CUTTING CLASS.

IT'S DESERTION. THEY SHOOT PEOPLE FOR THAT.

I DON'T CARE.

I'D GLADLY FACE A THOUSAND A FIRING SQUADS FOR BRIDGET.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOUR PARENTS.

DON'T DO THAT. THEY'LL KILL ME.

WAIT, COME ON, DONNY, LISTEN.

PIGS...

I'M SERIOUS, DONNY. YOU HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOUR DORM

BEFORE ANYONE NOTICES YOU'VE GONE A.W.O.L.

SIR, I KNOW I CAN MAKE BRIDGET LOVE ME.

THEN AGAIN, A LONG STRETCH IN THE BRIG MIGHT DO YOU SOME GOOD.

CATE, HE'S NOT LISTENING.

OH, FORGET IT. I'LL WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OFF THE PHONE WITH THE DOYLES.

THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE. THEY'RE ON ANOTHER CRYING JAG.

I TOLD THEM ABOUT THE PIG TRUCK.

WHERE DO KIDS GET THIS IDEA THAT THEY'RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER?

PAUL, HE'S YOUNG AND HOPELESSLY IN LOVE.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT THAT WAS LIKE?

- NO, DO YOU? - NO, BUT YOU PRETEND.

RIGHT.

OKAY, DONNY.

YOU AND BRIDGET ARE OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO BE TOGETHER,

BUT IF YOU OBSESS ABOUT HER,

AND, YOU KNOW, BREAK INTO HER HOME,

SHE COULD TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY. YOU KNOW WOMEN,

HOW THEY ARE.

SO YOU'RE SAYING IF SHE SEES ME HERE,

SHE MIGHT THINK I'M A LITTLE PATHETIC AND NEEDY?

NO, I'M SAYING THAT SHE,

ALONG WITH MOST COURTS, WILL THINK YOU'RE A STALKER.

I GOTTA GET BACK TO ANNAPOLIS.

YOU KNOW, THAT TOILET BRUSH WHUPPING MIGHT BE THE BEST THING

THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. THANKS, MR. HENNESSY.

YOU BETCHA.

- DONNY, YOUR PARENTS WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE. - OH, NO.

GEE, PAUL, YOU REALLY PUMMELED HIM.

I FEEL BAD.

STOP GLOATING.

HE DIDN'T EVEN FIGHT BACK.

NOT AFTER THE ASS-WHIPPING I DISHED OUT.

DONNY?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - I AM NOT A STALKER

OR PATHETIC OR NEEDY.

YOU SMELL LIKE A PIG.

YEAH, LONG STORY.

BRIDGET, I THOUGHT YOU WERE IN BED.

I WAS STUDYING.

- WITHOUT BOOKS? - EVER HEAR OF THE INTERNET?

THE COMPUTER'S HERE AND YOU DO NOT HAVE A LAPTOP.

AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, LOOK.

BEFORE BRIDGET ENDS UP WITH A FREE LAPTOP,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOW DONNY WHERE WE KEEP THE ANTISEPTIC?

- ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS HE? - FRED, YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE.

OUR BOY'S GONE AWOL.

SOMEBODY'S IN FOR A SPANKING.

- FRED, FRED! - WHAT?

YOU WANNA CINCH THAT?

YOU WERE IN A FIGHT WITH MY DAD?

IT WASN'T SO MUCH A FIGHT AS...

THAT IS SO COOL.

A BATTLE TO THE DEATH.

WELL, AFTER DONNY AND I HAD OUR LITTLE CHAT,

I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S GOING BACK TO THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

MOM, DAD, I'M DROPPING OUT OF THE NAVAL ACADEMY.

YOU'RE WHAT?

BRIDGET CHANGED HER MIND. SHE'S TAKING ME BACK.

DADDY, LOOK AT HIM. HE'S JUST SO EDWARD NORTON

IN "FIGHT CLUB" RIGHT NOW.

DONNY, YOU CAN'T THROW EVERYTHING AWAY FOR SOME GIRL

WHO'S NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

IS IT YOUR LIFE'S MISSION TO DESTROY ME?

ROBE!

BRIDGET'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE DONNY?

YEAH, WELL, DONNY'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO DATE BRIDGET.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE GONE TO LAW SCHOOL.

- DAD. - NO, HONEY, I'M FINE, THANKS.

WHAT IS IT, KERRY?

HERE WE ARE ANOTHER MORNING TALKING ABOUT BRIDGET.

HONEY, I KNOW THAT'S HARD.

NO NO, SHE DESERVES THE ATTENTION.

AFTER ALL, SHE DOES HAVE TWO BOYFRIENDS RIGHT NOW.

YOU GUYS THINK I CARE THAT NOBODY NOTICED I SNUCK OUT

AND STAYED OUT PAST CURFEW?

- WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! - BACK UP A SECOND.

OKAY, IT WAS JUST A FEW MINUTES PAST CURFEW.

NOT THAT. BRIDGET HAS TWO BOYFRIENDS?

NO ONE IS INTERESTED IN ME.

HONEY, OF COURSE WE'RE INTERESTED IN YOU.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL US ABOUT BRIDGET?

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS OTHER BOYFRIEND?

- KERRY! - WAIT, KERRY, KERRY.

WE ARE REALLY UPSET WITH YOU.

YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

DONNY DROPS OUT OF SCHOOL TO BE WITH BRIDGET

AND SHE'S TWO-TIMING HIM.

YEAH, WELL, WE HAVE TO TALK TO HER.

DAMN RIGHT WE'RE GONNA TALK TO HER.

YOU NOTICE WE NEVER HAVE PROBLEMS LIKE THIS WITH THE BOY.

NUH-UH.

- BYE, DAD. - SEE YOU, SON.

YEAH.

BRIDGET, YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH DONNY

AND YOU HAVE ANOTHER BOYFRIEND?

YEAH, ISN'T IT FUNNY HOW EVERYTHING JUST WORKED OUT?

DO YOU REALIZE

THAT DONNY'S GIVEN UP HIS DREAM OF BEING IN THE NAVY

TO COME HERE AND BE WITH YOU?

MEANWHILE, TOMORROW YOU COULD JUST DECIDE TO DUMP HIM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THINK I'M THAT FICKLE.

WELL, YOU DID DUMP HIM YESTERDAY.

THAT IS SO LIKE YOU JUST TO DREDGE UP THE PAST.

THE ONLY REASON I BROKE UP WITH HIM IS BECAUSE YOU TOLD ME TO FOLLOW MY HEART.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT LAW SCHOOL. CATE, YOU'RE HERE. GOOD.

DADDY THINKS I'M FICKLE.

OH, SWEETHEART.

YOU ARE FICKLE.

GANG UP ON ME. WHAT IS THIS, AN INTERVENTION?

BRIDGET, YOU CANNOT DO THIS TO DONNY.

CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE WRONG? CATE, TELL HER.

LOOK, PAUL, WE'VE ALREADY TALKED TO HER.

SHE'S A BIG GIRL. SHE'S GONNA DO WHAT SHE'S GONNA DO.

OKAY, YOU GUYS. LOOK, JUST STOP WORRYING.

NOW THAT I'M GOING OUT WITH DONNY, I'M GONNA BREAK IT OFF WITH DAMIAN.

WELL, IF THAT'S YOUR FINAL DECISION, I'LL JUST WAIT FIVE MINUTES.

BRIDGE, DONNY IS RISKING EVERYTHING FOR YOU,

AND YOU KIND OF LIKE HIM. YOU GOTTA LET HIM GO.

WOULD IT KILL YOU FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE TO LISTEN TO YOUR DAD?

I'M LISTENING. I AM LISTENING.

NOW IF YOU GUYS DON'T MIND, I HAVE A DATE WITH DONNY

AND THIS SKIRT IS WAY TOO LONG.

THAT'S HIM.

BRIDGET.

- BRIDGET WILL BE RIGHT DOWN. - THANKS.

SO HAVE YOU DECIDED?

- DECIDED WHAT? - HANGING OR FIRING SQUAD?

RORY!

I'D GO FOR HANGING.

- BREAKS THE NECK. YOU DON'T FEEL A THING. - GET OUT, GET OUT!

- HEY, BRIDGET. - HEY, DONNY.

- GOSH, YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL. - THANKS.

I'M SO GLAD I DASHED MY CHILDHOOD DREAMS FOR YOU.

OH MY GOD.

- ARE YOU OKAY, MR. HENNESSY? - YEAH, I'M FINE. YOU HAVE FUN.

I HAVE A GREAT NIGHT PLANNED.

COOL.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT, DONNY? I CAN'T DO THIS.

DO WHAT?

YOU KNOW, QUITTING NAVY COLLEGE AND RISKING HANGING

IS LIKE THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

THANKS.

BUT I HATE TO SEE YOU RISK YOUR WHOLE FUTURE

JUST 'CAUSE YOU'RE CRAZY OVER ME.

I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND IT.

BUT... I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS...

I MAY NOT BE WORTH IT.

- BRIDGET... - NO, DON'T SAY ANYTHING, OKAY?

MY MIND'S MADE UP. DONNY, YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, OKAY?

HERE'S YOUR PIN.

- YOU BACK SO SOON? - YOU WERE LISTENING.

NO, I WAS NOT LISTENING,

AND I AM SO PROUD OF YOU.

THAT WAS A TREMENDOUS SACRIFICE YOU MADE, BRIDGET.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

IT WAS ACTUALLY YOU, DAD. YOU TOLD ME NOT TO BE SELFISH,

'CAUSE I COULD BE RUINING HIS FUTURE.

WOW, YOU LISTENED. I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.

BESIDES WHEN HE GOT ALL CLEANED UP AND THE BRISTLE MARKS FADED,

HE LOST HALF HIS HOTNESS.

NO, STOP RIGHT THERE. YOU LISTENED TO YOUR DAD.

NOW HE'S NOT EVEN NEARLY AS HOT AS DAMIAN.

NO NO NO, YOU LISTENED.

- I'M GONNA CALL DAMIAN. - ♪ LA LA LA LA LA. ♪

YOU LISTENED. YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT BACK. YOU LISTENED!

Paul: HELLO! ANYBODY OUT THERE?

WE'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER AGAIN!

HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY GO THROUGH A 20-PACK

IN TWO DAYS?

IS ANYONE OUT THERE? PLEASE.

NAH.

ALL RIGHT, I HOPE EVERYBODY READ MY COLUMN.