Original subtitles

- 41-Heavy, this is LAX Tower. - Do you read me?

This is 41-Heavy. Go ahead, LAX Tower.

41-Heavy, commence descent

and await further landing instructions.

Roger, traffic control.

Hey, Philo, I'm having a party tonight.

You have a party every night, George.

Yeah, but this is different.

Some people are actually gonna show up.

Really? Why's that?

Why is that?

Well, I'll tell you why.

I-I-I sort of promised everyone that-that you'd be there.

George!

41-Heavy, this is LAX Tower.

Later.

41-Heavy, you're clear for landing

on runway Alpha-Zulu-1 at 0904.

Roger, traffic controller.

Alpha-Zulu-1 at 0904.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you had a pleasant flight

on Blue Sky Airlines,

and enjoy your stay in Los Angeles.

Oh, what a beautiful sight.

Sure is.

Are you out of your mind? Sit down, George!

You don't understand. You have to come to this party.

I don't think you're aware the gravity of the situation.

All right, I'll go. Just sit down.

You want me to go lie down? George!

But you will come? Yes.

All right!

My contacts!

- 41-Heavy, over. - I repeat, over.

Hard left! Hard left!

Pull up! Pull up!

Oh, shit!

Time of impact: 11:41 p.m.

Population classification code 4: Maximum density.

Congratulations.

You assholes just wiped out half of Los Angeles.

Hey, come on in. We're rolling now.

George! George Bunkle.

Where's Philo?

I'm going down to get him right now.

If you're not back in five minutes, with Philo,

we're leaving.

What? Girls, I'm-I'm hurt. I'm genuinely hurt.

Has George Bunkle ever lied to you?

What about the Michael Jackson party?

Hey, he was very insulted

that you didn't believe it was him that night.

Five minutes, Bunkle!

Talk about your boring parties!

What else would you expect

from anyone who lives in this building?

Oh!

Oh!

Man, I gotta lay off that pork fried rice.

Philo.

Philo.

Yo, Philo.

Hello?

Philo?

Philo?

Where the hell are you?

What are you trying to do, put me in an early grave?

I'm okay.

You idiot!

You've ruined my whole life!

It's not my fault you wear glasses.

No, it's my fault.

Come on, Philo, get a grip on yourself.

Everybody has their limitations.

Even me.

Now let's just calmly examine the situation.

Now what have we got?

We got two bright enterprising young men, like ourselves.

You kidding? There's a million things we can do.

Give me a break, George. It's all over for me.

All right, I'll admit things may look a trifle dark right now.

But so what?

Besides, you know me.

Don't I always come up with something?

All my life, all I ever wanted to do was fly.

Philo?

Oh, there you are.

Philo, I've got it.

Wait until you hear this idea. This is it.

What happened here?

If I ever see you again, it's gonna be too soon.

No, you're gonna love this. You ready?

Stewardess school.

You're totally certifiable, George.

And I'm gonna sign the papers!

What a great idea.

Think of it, Philo. Whoa!

Breakfast in Paris, dinner in Rome.

Not to mention, all the incredible women

we're gonna meet.

Mr. Pellino... Call me Snake.

Ah. Mr. Snake.

You seem to have some influence over our daughter.

Beer.

I wonder if I could interest you in a little proposition.

Hmm, big chunks.

Walter.

Jeeves?

Sir.

Holy shit! What a bike!

Thank you, sir.

Wow. What gives?

If you'll excuse us for a minute, dear.

Why? Beat it!

So, what's the deal?

Well, I was just wondering if you might be...

Then I kicked him right in the face.

What gives?

Oh, Mr. Snake and I decided

it would be in your best interest

if you went back to school.

You're a pisser, Dan!

Shit.

Ow.

Now remember, if I catch either one of youse two

biting and scratching, I'm gonna toss youse out.

How'd you like me to pull your little wee-wee off?

Wait for the bell.

You're dead meat.

You're stronger at full tide.

Get away, wimp!

All right, you, I want your name.

I want all your names! I want all your names!

I'll get you when it's over! I'll get you!

Where is he? He's kind of puny.

Maybe he couldn't push the turnstile.

Oh, there he is.

I think he's gonna pop the big question tonight.

Wanda? Wanda? When you gonna learn?

Men don't marry women wrestlers.

Cuddles is different.

You'll see.

Cuddles.

Cuddles?

Go get her, Wanda!

You give it to her, Wanda!

Oh!

Wanda! Wanda! Wanda!

I wonder if they have communal showers.

I don't know about this, George.

Philo, I don't believe you.

Since we got thrown out of flight school,

you've flown back and forth

to San Diego 22 times. So?

You don't know anybody in San Diego.

I can't help it. I think better when I'm flying.

Right. So we go to stew school.

We graduate, get a job with a major airline,

then you can fly your little heart out.

Maybe you'll get this obsession out of your system.

I suppose you're right, George.

For a while, I thought that you just wanted

to go to stew school so you could meet women.

Please. Give me some credit.

There's a little more to life than women.

Very little.

There it is.

That's the Philo I know and love.

You idiot!

So, what's the verdict?

Why don't you go park this boat

and I'll get us a room with a view.

Now you're talking, dude.

All right.

I'm not a jinx. I'm not a jinx. I'm not a jinx.

And I'm not in this for my health, lady.

That's 14.75, with the toll. Oh.

Keep the change.

Oh, thanks, sport.

I'll get your luggage.

What was that?

I gotta switch to unleaded.

You were supposed to get out the other side.

Well, you should've posted a sign.

It was on the door!

Hi. Can I help you with that?

Why? Don't you think I can do it myself?

Hey, no problem.

Oh! Oh, God!

I'm sorry.

Good morning.

Morning.

I certainly am glad your father's not alive

to see what you turned his school into.

What I have turned the old codger's school into

is a profitable institution. Oh, yes.

By lowering the standards so that anybody could get in.

All right, Sugar. Here we are.

Jesus, Harry. Stewardess school?

That the best you could do for me?

Hey, Sugar, I'm your probation officer.

Not an employment agent.

Listen, Sugar, this is a real opportunity for you

to change your whole life around.

Yeah, yeah, sure, Harry.

I'm agog with anticipation.

Oh, so how long am I in for anyway?

You are enrolled for four weeks.

Then you can get a job on an airline.

Gee, I never done it on an airplane before.

Now, look, I'm warning you.

If they catch you turning one more trick,

they're gonna put your behind away for a long time.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, so long, Harry.

Don't take any wooden pickles.

Hi. Am I the only boy?

Let's see.

Cindy Adams.

Room 12.

Second floor.

I'm gonna miss you.

Hi. I'm Pimmie Polk.

Hi. Jolean Winters.

And this is my mother. And my grandmother.

Hello.

Hello. It's nice to meet you.

This is a big day for the Polk family.

Oh, really?

Three generations of stews.

No kidding?

Well, good afternoon.

Um. My name is Miss Grummet.

And I will be supervising all of your activities

while you are here with us.

Oh, I expect strict compliance with the rules.

But before I get into those rules and lists,

I would like to take this opportunity

to introduce our chancellor, Mr. Weidermeyer.

He will be giving a brief 10-minute welcoming address.

Mr. Weidermeyer?

Good afternoon.

You certainly are a fine-looking group.

Welcome to the Weidermeyer Academy.

This academy was sired by...

Uh, founded by my father in 1949,

and we have a long and impressive

list of-of graduates.

As you can see, from the people seated behind me,

we offer the finest in flight instruction training.

And you can... You can be assured... Uh...

Uh. We will never nipple and dime you...

Nickel and dime you on your education.

Your instructors are firm, but fair.

If you get... If you get little behind in your work...

they won't be hard on you.

Miss Cannon, I, uh...

Well, I guess that's about it from old Roger Weidermeyer.

So once again...

welcome.

Miss Grummet.

I'll just stand here till you're finished.

That's disgusting.

Now,

if you'll all pay attention to the following rules,

I'm sure we'll all get along just fine.

Mm. Just like Mom never made.

Three-fifty.

That's very reasonable,

considering your gourmet selection.

Thank you.

Look.

Hi. Oh.

Oh. Oh, God.

Ow! Oh, God.

Please... Please sit.

Are you sure? I live for danger.

Okay.

Oh. Oh.

Kelly Johnson, resident klutz.

Philo T. Henderson, unfulfilled dreamer.

Ugh.

So, what was the final head count?

Forty-six. Excellent!

That makes nine more students than last term.

Yes, and I can tell you just which nine they are.

Relax, Miss Grummet.

You'll be able to start weeding them out soon enough.

George. George, wake up. There's a fire.

George!

Oh.

Philo, you gotta do something about that alarm clock.

Get up, George. There's a fire. What?

Fire!

Fire! Fire!

Good morning, my little chickens.

Welcome to Stewardess School.

Now, to begin with,

I would like to make one thing perfectly clear.

To be a stewardess means to be on-call 24 hours a day.

That means you must be in top physical condition

at all times.

And bright, and alert,

because if you miss one call to duty,

you will be...

dismissed!

Now, grab your sweats and report to the compound in five minutes.

Five minutes?

Five minutes!

Let's move it! Move it, move it!

Move it, Bunkle.

All right, we'll start this morning and every morning

with a little five-mile run up Fort Whalling Hill.

Dubois, Winters,

report to the doctor's office for physical.

The rest of you, move out!

Good luck, chubby. Thanks.

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Ahem. Hi. We're here for our physicals.

Names?

Sugar Dubois and Jolean Winters.

Have a seat.

I'm on a diet. I've lost eight pounds.

I'm sure the doctor will take that into consideration.

I think you look terrific.

You do? Yeah, sure.

Who am I kidding? He's gonna flunk me.

You mean if you don't pass this physical,

they could kick you out of here?

That's right. I'll be history.

Yeah.

You can go in now, Miss Dubois.

Good luck.Thanks.

I'll be with you in a moment.

Do you want me to take my clothes off?

Well, I don't think that...

would be a bad idea.

Oh, gosh.

I hope you don't have cold hands.

Come on, let's move it, move it, move it!

Only two more miles to the top.

That is not a pleasant woman.

You can go in now, Winters.

Doctor?

What's this? This...

Holy shit!

Dr. Mackie?

What about me?

You?

My physical?

You passed. I passed?

Go.

I passed! Ha, ha!

Bitch.

Oh, those are really thick glasses.

On a clear day, I can see Moscow.

Oh, God. It must be tough

to get around without these things. Phew.

Well...

I've developed an acute sense of touch.

Philo! Wait!

It's okay, it's okay.

He's totally blind without his glasses.

It's Kelly. Hi.

Hi. Come on, Philo.

You okay? Great. Thanks.

Communal showers.

That's amazing. How would I know that? Ha!

Hey, girls, what's shaking?

What? What?

What?

What?

And stay out!

Oh.

To fly.

To soar with the eagles.

To pilot...

this magnificent machine...

high above the Earth.

To be...

in total control...

of the lives and destinies of hundreds of people.

God forgive me, I do love it so.

Now, where was I?

To fly.

To soar with the eagles.

To fly...

Whoever wants pizza, come to Larry's room.

Want some? Um, no thanks. I'm on a diet.

I-I just came to sniff.

George can always tell a good wine by the twist-off cap.

Pepperoni.

Okay, okay, everybody. A toast,

to a bright new future in the airline industry!

What's the matter?

Well, everybody's future doesn't look as bright as yours.

You're not a klutz.

Yeah. And you're slim and attractive.

And you always seem to know what to do.

You actually seem to like this bullshit.

I know you all think that I'm pretty.

And pert. And kind of terrific.

But, you know, sometimes when people are getting to know me,

for some strange reason, they wanna choke me.

Come on, it's not as bad as all that.

It's always darkest before the dawn.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

When in doubt, whip it out.

George. Figure of speech.

Now, behind this curtain,

we have assembled a group of professional passengers.

That is, passengers who will test your skill

at dealing with common, but difficult situations.

Oh, yes. Uh, heh...

I will be observing and grading your conduct accordingly.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The whiskey goes next to the vodka.

I'm so nervous. I know I'm gonna screw up.

Hey, relax!

After all, what are they gonna do?

Bite us?

Hot towel, madam?

Oh, now, Poofie, don't you be a naughty girl.

I'm sorry, madam,

but you'll have to put your Poofie in the box.

Oh.

Perhaps you'd do it for me?

What, are you high, lady?

Please?

Perhaps later, after she's had her nap.

Pillow, Poofie?

Maybe not. Later.

And what can I get our little man for dessert?

A hot fudge sundae.

Ooh, that sounds delish.

Would you like whipped cream on top?

Yep.

And sprinkles? Yep.

And a cherry on top? Yep.

And how would you like your nuts crushed?

How'd you like your tits shot off?

Something to drink?

I know you.

But you're Bubba Brock, fullback for the Broncos.

I got cut.

Oh, I'm sorry. What, injury?

No.

Bad attitude, ass breath!

Excuse me. Young man, I need your help.

Yes, madam?

My seatbelt is stuck.

Oh.

Oh, yes, I think I see the problem.

If you'd care to stand up a minute...

I didn't pay to stand in the aisle.

I paid to sit down.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, miss? Yes, sir?

I'd like a Scotch and water, please.

I have to begin in the rear of the aircraft.

I'll be right back to serve your drink.

I think I got it!

Excuse me, sir.

The captain does have the "No Smoking" light on.

Well, I'll just run back and turn that little light off.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the captain has informed me that we're ready to land.

Please put your trays up

and your seats in the upright position.

Thank you.

And I hope you've all been well-serviced. Hmm.

Hey, you!

Tray up! Seat back, and lose that cigarette!

Yes, ma'am. Uh, Miss...?

Polanski. Polanski. Yes.

Hi. I think your delivery needs a little work.

Try not to be so firm with the passengers.

Not so direct.

Not so firm, and not so direct?

Right.

Yoo-hoo. Wake up, wake up.

Much better.

George? What?

Do me a favor?

Sleep on the fire escape tonight.

It's the old multiple-cologne trick.

It keeps them off their guard.

He's kind of cute. I think he's gonna ask me out.

Hi.

You wanna play Hide the Salami?

I guess a blow job's out of the question.

What do we do now?

I know. How 'bout a game of trivia?

Get out of here. Me too. I hate trivia.

What's the problem?

Well, there's a party we all wanna go to,

but we've got no way to get there.

How bad do you wanna go?

On a scale of one to 10?

Pretty bad.

Yahoo!

Oh, look who's here.

Yes, yes. Kent Armwald.

I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Allison Hanover.

The Hanovers of Greenwich? Southport.

Top draw, D.F. Natch.

Hey, what in blazes is going on here?

Kent, check that, will you?

Pimmie.

Kent.

Let me introduce everybody.

This is Jolean, Wanda, Cindy.

And these are our chaperones for the evening.

Snake, Scuzball, River Rat and Bones.

Pimmie, I'm sorry, but they can't come in.

Cindy?

Cindy Adams? Hello, Kent.

Breath mint?

Willard.

You got a Twisted Sister? No.

But my cousin Lenore's a little strange.

All right!

Kent, what is the meaning of that Neanderthal invasion?

That's Cindy Adams. Her father's chairman

of the board of the stock exchange.

Hmm.

Excuse me, muffin. I'll be right back.

What?

Miss Adams, I'm Dudley Farnsworth.

Buzz off, needle dick.

Oh, muffin?

Mmm.

All right.

What is this shit? Fruit punch.

It tastes like panther-piss!

All right!

Everybody, drink up.

I said, let's party!

How did you find this place?

Oh, one of the local kids told me about it.

It's spectacular. Look!

It's been a long time since I kissed a boy

in the front seat of the car.

It's been a long time since I kissed a boy, period.

Well, I think it's my sworn duty to make up...

for all of those lost kisses.

Oh, Philo.

- Where's the...? - No, no.

The hook's in the front. The hook's in the front.

Oh, Philo.

- Oh, sorry about that. - It's hormonal.

- I guess it's in my genes. - I'll say it is.

You wanna dance, mama?

Well, this ought to be interesting.

More muffie.

Woo!

Would anyone care for a cheese snack?

You're real good, baby. I know.

Oh, that's some set of muffins, eh, Snake?

Beer.

What?

Oh, nothing.

Uh...

Now tomorrow we'll be dealing with Volume 2 in my trilogy,

101 More Ways

To Make Your Passengers Feel Really, Really Safe.

After all, don't you feel better when you feel safe?

Well, I know I do.

Class!

This morning, I'm gonna give you a little lesson

on how to deal with terrorists.

Of course,

one of the main weapons,

in dealing with these swarthy types,

is surprise!

I took a course.

What you're about to go through is a simulated ditch drill.

You will be given exactly three minutes

to get the passengers off the plane,

down the chute,

and into the life raft to safety.

Wake up, Harpo!

Time is of the essence here.

If you don't have those people off this plane

in exactly three minutes,

well, you all flunk the exercise.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please prepare to exit the rear of the plane

as quickly as possible.

Our flight attendants will assist you in any way you need.

- Just move to the back quietly. - Thank you.

- Come on, Kent. - You know what you're doing.

Come on.

Whoo!

Bye.

Please. We'll have to exit immediately.

Uh, this is an emergency.

Darling, we did not pay for first-class tickets

to slide down a moldy chute into a raft.

I can't go without my rubber ducky.

Follow me!

Stroke! Stroke!

I love this nautical stuff!

Stroke!

Come on, let's go.

Very good. Stroke over to me.

Ninety seconds left. They won't budge.

You're not going to make it.

What's the problem?

Beat me, whip me, make me write bad checks.

Please, join us for a glass of bubbly.

Go on. I'll take care of this.

I'm gonna check the galley. I'll be right behind you.

Check.

All right, we did it!

Wait a minute. Where's Jolean?

Jolean!

Geronimo!

This is a healthy kill list, even for you.

Well, if there's nothing else, I'd like to get on with it.

Yes?

Mr. Stromboli would like to know if you'll be much longer.

He has a plane to catch.

Ask Mr. Stromboli to come in, please.

Roger, how are you?

Last time I saw you, why, you were this high.

Well, I've grown. Won't you sit down?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Well, what can I do for you?

The thing is that now I have this

government inspection coming around.

And if I don't get high grades

in all areas of passenger service,

they're gonna pull the rug from under me, Roger.

I'll be out of business.

Do I take it that you would like me to provide you

with a top flight crew from our graduating class?

Exactly, Roger. Yes.

If I can pass the inspection,

well, then I can add another flight

at the end of the year.

I can give the competition a run for their money.

Shall we say 500 bucks a head?

Five hundred? That's blackmail!

It was nice seeing you again, Carl.

If you'll excuse me, I'm really awfully busy.

Roger, I can give you 250. That's all I have.

Three-fifty, and not a penny less.

But I'll throw in a pilot.

And so it is with great pleasure that as of, um...

10:15 this morning, you are all...

Grummet!

Yes? What?

That's ridiculous.

I strongly protest. No way.

Perhaps you'd like to stop by my office

and discuss an early retirement?

You wouldn't put me on the beach, would you?

Let me say, once again,

how very proud I am of all of you.

This has been a record year

for student placements in the airline industry.

If you will check the announcement board

in the main hall later, we will have posted

the names of the various airlines

and of the students they have invited

to come fly with them.

In conclusion...

I would just like to leave you with one thought.

Remember.

When you go out there,

you are representing Weidermeyer Academy.

So whatever you do...

do it with dignity.

Thank you.

Here we go. Breakfast in Paris...

Dinner in Rome.

All right, dude. Here we go.

TWA. Pan Am.

Stromboli Airlines?

Ugh.

Ooh.

Mmm.

Well, you get what you pay for.

Hey, come on.

I mean, it's not as bad as it all seems.

Yeah, Philo's right.

Grummet made us feel like we were no good.

Well, she's wrong!

Yeah, but none of you were terminally clumsy.

I am.

She's under. That's amazing.

Could you make her bark like a seal

while I pretend to give her a fish?

George. What?

Kelly Johnson.

Yes?

You are the most graceful person on Earth.

I am? Yes.

Of course I am.

You have the skill of a ballerina.

The-the hands of a surgeon.

The dexterity of a Japanese sushi chef.

Now, when I snap my fingers,

you will wake up feeling like the great new person you are.

This place looks a lot like the Bates Motel.

Welcome, welcome.

I am Carl Stromboli. I own the place.

The driver will take care of your luggage,

so, please, do follow me. Thank you.

So nice to see you. Very happy to see you.

Wonderful.

Sorry about the lights being off,

but I have to cut down on expenses

anywhere I can, to keep the airline going.

This way, please.

Oh.

Hey, don't stand on ceremonies.

Sit down, come on. Make yourself at home.

This is really nice.

Thank you. But it's my wife, Sarah.

She's the one with the good taste in the family.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, please,

I want you to say hello to my dear wife, Sarah.

Hello, Sarah.

Wow! Real food!

First eat. We'll get to know each other later.

That's right. Now don't be shy. Dig in.

Come on, come on. Let's eat.

Aw, fuck it.

More, more, more right here.

And some potatoes.

So you can see why this next flight is so important for me.

Every nickel I have is tied up in this plane.

And every nickel I don't have.

Why am I worried? I've got the best crew around.

Really? When could we meet them? Huh?

George, he's talking about us. Oh.

Well, one thing's for sure, Mr. Stromboli.

We'll make certain the FAA inspector is happy.

Yeah, that's good, but you see,

we'll never know who it is.

We never do. It could be anyone on the plane.

It could be a man, a woman.

Sometimes they even use a professional

passenger from your school.

I'm not worried. You know why? You are the ones

who graduated in the first of the class.

And tomorrow's run will be a snap for you.

Tomorrow?

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to Stromboli Airlines,

Flight 106, nonstop to Atlanta.

We are now ready to board.

For those passengers needing special assistance,

you may now step forward at this time, please.

Thank you.

Uh, go please to your right. She'll help you.

- Easy does it. - There you go.

Hi. Right this way. There you go.

This way, sir. Can we help you?

Oh! Have a... Have a good flight.

Hi.

Oh, oh, oh.

Hello, mister.

Take your hands off me, you fool!

Pain. Major pain.

Passengers seated in rows 17 through 26,

you may now board the plane.

George, what are you doing?

There's blind people wandering all over the plane.

Special observer from the Academy.

I know the way.

Terrific.

Friend of yours?

You married? Oh, yeah. Are you?

No, no, no.

Captain Biff likes to keep his runways clear.

Morning. Morning.

Oh, morning.

Hi, doll. Captain Biff.

You're our pilot? That's right.

Are you impressed?

Here we go, George. Close her up.

You got it.

Fasten your seatbelt. What are you, blind?

What? Hmm?

Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts

and put your chairs back for takeoff.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking.

Atlanta Traffic Control informs me

we'll be having some adverse weather conditions en route,

so we'll be flying at 35,000 feet today,

to avoid most of the turbulence.

Thank you.

You must be used to flying through storms, huh, Captain?

Storms?

This is just great. What's Grummet doing onboard?

I thought we were through with her.

According to the manual, she's allowed

on the first flight as an observer

and file a report with the FAA.

Terrific.

Whoa.

Shit!

A VO and water? VO and water.

Thank you.

Here you are, sir. Your VO and water.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

May I put that someplace for you, sir?

Don't touch that!

It's a present from my mother.

It's very fragile.

Oh, of course, sir. I understand.

Ladies and gentlemen,

for the safety and convenience of our unsighted passengers,

we'll ring our cabin bell twice when the seatbelt sign is on,

and once when it is off.

Thank you.

Where's my drink?

Coming right up, sir.

Well, be quick about it.

Yes, sir. Whatever you say.

Oh, could I take that for you, sir?

Oh, thank you, yes.

Okay. And your glass. There you are.

Looks like we're in for a pretty good storm.

Yeah. Even at this altitude,

we're gonna hit a lot of turbulence.

You okay?

My contacts!

Let me help you.

Sit right here.

You're no good to us if you can't see.

Okay.

Are you all right?

I feel strange, like this is all...

I'm in a dream.

You mean a nightmare.

What are you most afraid of?

Confinement.

Closed spaces.

It's awful tight in there. Isn't it?

Something's wrong with him.

I need air!

Get air! I need air! Sit down.

Sit down! It's okay!

What's his kind of problem? I don't know.

The passengers are getting really upset.

What are we gonna do?

We cannot spend the rest of the flight like this?

Trouble?

Oh, eat it, prune face!

There's gotta be some way to calm him down!

Step aside.

Oh, my finger's in your nose!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

"Blow job" is two words.

Hey, uh,

I didn't think it'd be this rough way up here.

Is that normal?

Don't know. This is my first flight, captain.

Oh, yeah, right, right.

All right! Turn around real slow!

Snappy coat.

Shut up!

Keep your hands where I can see them!

Oh, boy.

All right, shit face! Put it on automatic pilot!

Um, we can't do that at this altitude.

We can't?

Oh, yes, yes, yes, we can. We'll do anything.

Only, please, please don't shoot me.

Do it now! Yeah.

Okay? Automatic. No hands.

I want you all to know

that I've got enough here to hang you

and put an end to Stromboli Airlines!

I'm taking my report to the captain right now.

Yeah? Blow it out your ass!

Oh, well, I just think I'll add that to my report.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I didn't do anything. Okay, okay.

Help me!

I didn't do anything. I was good.

Is this gonna hurt?

It is, isn't it? Is it?

I hope you guys like cherries on your sun...

Here. Sit down.

What the...? What happened here?

I smell ether.

She's breathing. He's alive.

And what's the switch below the altimeter say?

It says "auto." Good.

Let's get these people out of here.

I did a quick head count

and the guy in 30-C is missing.

He must've jumped.

Who would jump out of a plane at 40,000 feet?

- The guy in 30-C. - All right.

I want you to start searching the plane,

quickly and quietly, without alarming the passengers.

What are we looking for?

Unless I miss my guess, a bomb.

That's amazing. I knew you were gonna say that.

George! I'm gone.

What do you think?

Well, I think we'll be okay for a while on autopilot.

Wait! Wait! Where are we supposed to look?

I don't know.

How about if we start at the back of the plane

and work our way up? Good idea.

What the hell's going on here?

Not now, Mr. Buttersworth!

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Who's there?

Are you the pilot? Yeah.

Are you a passenger?

Yes! And I demand to know what's going on here!

Thanks.

What is that thing?

A portable microwave.

What'd he say?

Doesn't anybody know anything about bombs?

Got a bobby pin?

Yeah.

Move over, Kojak.

Somebody, quick, get me some tools.

Everybody else, secure the passengers and move forward.

Rule 47...

Keep smiling.

Holy shit!

I hope you're in a good mood.

Apparently not.

It's a little slow.

George!

I'm sorry. I'm new to this.

Oh.

Now the problem is, if I cut the wrong wire,

this thing could go off in our faces.

Philo, I... Strap him in!

Oh.

What the hell kind of an airline is this?

Okay.

Could be.

Here it goes.

All right, hit it.

You did it!

It was nothing.

You didn't do it.

I think it's time for plan B.

Plan B? Run away!

Oh, oh, oh!

Jolean! Are you all right?

It's raining out.

Oh. Oh, my. I need a drink.

Can I get you something?

Forget it.

Cabin pressure's back to normal and everyone's okay.

Now, if I could only see,

I could land this baby on a dime.

Wait a minute. He can't see either?

No.

I'm taking over.

Oh, Mr. Buttersworth!

Listen, I wear glasses. You wanna try them?

No, I got this weird stigmatism called binocular vision.

Oh, wait!

Wait. Here. Try these.

Wrong. No, they're no good.

Wait a minute. Turn them around.

Here. Yeah.

That's it! That's it! Strap them to my head.

We're going home!

Now it's all up to the FAA inspector who was onboard.

Will the bailiff please call the final witness?

They're ready for you.

Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth,

- and nothing but the truth? - I do.

Sir, would you please share with us

your impressions of what happened

on Flight 106 to Atlanta?

Frankly, it was the best flight I ever had.

Case dismissed.

Thank you!

It's amazing. I knew he was gonna say that.