All language subtitles for Monk_S03E05_Mr. Monk Meets the Godfather.English (CC)

[barber] Oh, yeah, people try to tell you
it's not the same thing,

but it is. You gotta go.

Spring training's like real baseball.

-Like how it used to be…
-[bell jingles]

when we were kids growing up.

-[man] Sounds great.
-[radio announcer] He takes inside.

-Have a seat. On deck.
-A ball and two strikes.

[barber] The kids love it.

They get to sit up close
and meet the ballplayers.

I can see the ballpark
from the back patio.

-[man] Nice.
-[barber laughs]

-Every time he's been up to bat…
-Hey.

in the last four…

[baseball game playing over radio]

Hey, hey, hey, watch what you're doing,
would you? I'm counting here.

I'll be right back.

[man] Take your time.

[announcer] Here's the one and two…

-[game continues indistinctly]
-[door closes]

-[rattling and clanging]
-What the hell are you doing?

[automatic gunfire]

[both scream in pain]

[automatic gunfire]

[radio announcer]
…but he just couldn't pull the trigger.

He strikes out.

Oh, my goodness…

["It's a Jungle Out There"
by Randy Newman playing]

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

♪ Disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care ♪

♪ Well, I do ♪

♪ Hey, who's in charge here? ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

♪ Poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know what's
In the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do and it's amazing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy
'Cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention
You'd be worried too ♪

♪ You better pay attention
Or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just kill you ♪

♪ I could be wrong now ♪

♪ But I don't think so ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

-[Sharona] How's it look?
-[mechanic] Not so good.

It's your suspension.

What? Again? You--

You just fixed my suspension
three months ago.

Yeah, that was your struts
and your shocks.

This is the, uh, tie bars.

What the hell is a tie bar?

It connects your, uh, steering knuckle

to the center link right there.
Can you see that?

You should tell him about that noise
your radio keeps making.

That's my music.

So you think I can drive it?

Oh, not like this. It's a death trap.

What do you think?

Well, that death trap thing
sort of concerns me.

[scoffs] I think he's yanking my chain.

Now, what am I gonna do?
I can't fix this myself.

Maybe I can take a look at it.

I'm pretty handy.

Remember that one time?

Norm, you win. How much?

Nine hundred dollars?

Where the hell am I supposed to get $900?

I haven't even seen a check
from my ex in four months.

-How are we gonna get home?
-[Sharona sighs]

I guess we're gonna have to walk.

We could call a taxi.

Taxis cost money.
Are you gonna pay for it?

I guess we'll walk.

-[Monk] Ah.
-Whoa!

Uh, excuse me. Adrian Monk?

Yes.

I'm Tony Lucarelli. This is Vince,

my, uh…

Associate.

My associate.

Look, if it's not too inconvenient,

my uncle would like to talk
to you about a possible job.

A job?

Uh, Lucarelli, as in…

Salvatore Lucarelli?

Oh, you've heard of him.

That'll make his day.

No, thank you.

Um…

Oh-- Oh.

It's--

Is that the right time? [chuckles]

We're already late. Uh, we've got--

We've got that bris.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

This is a job.

We can't afford to walk away!

We can't afford not to. It's--

Sharona, Sal Lucarelli
is the boss of bosses.

He's the--

He's the West Coast Godfather.

-So what?
-So what?

You'd take their money?

People who have 110,000 miles on their car

can't be picky.

Fine. Fine. You go talk to him.

I'll meet you back at the house.

Mr. Monk…

you want my advice,
I'd listen to your friend here.

She's as smart as she is pretty.

It'll only take 20 minutes.

I'm saying please.

All right, pretty please.

With a cherry on top?

With a cherry on top.

Vince.

-Come on.
-Uh, no, not-- not in the back seat.

Wait, wait, wait, Vince,
he has a thing about back seats.

-[Monk] Yeah, um…
-Everybody sits in the back.

Uh, Mr.-- Mr. Monk.

You can ride in the front

-with Vince.
-[Monk] Yeah.

-Okay. Okay.
-[Vince] Come on.

Well, I guess that just leaves
you in the back seat with me.

-Are you scared?
-Are you?

[suspenseful music playing]

[camera shutter clicking]

[cleaver strikes board]

[cleaver slices fish, then strikes board]

Mr. Monk,

thank you for coming on such short notice.

It means the world to me.

[Sharona] Oh, he does this all the time.

He doesn't mean any disrespect.

I understand. I got blood on my hands.

Yes, you do.

I'm supposed to be in Pebble Beach.

Instead I'm here preparing for a wake.

Fat Tony tell you about the job?

[Sal] My sister's boy Ernie
got killed yesterday,

plus four of my friends. Good friends.

Barbershop massacre, right?

Yeah, massacre-- that's the word.

[Sal] I checked around, Mr. Monk,
and other detectives--

good detectives--
told me you were the best.

Called you a legend.

I'll pay you three times your usual fee

if you tell me who's behind this.

Oh.

I'm sorry.

I-I…

I can't help you.

Can't…

or won't?

My family is hurt, Mr. Monk…

and angry.

I understand how you feel
more than you know.

[Sal] They're screaming for vengeance.

They want me to strike out
at one of the Chinese gangs

or the Russians.

I don't want to make a mistake.

I'm trying to prevent a bloodbath here.

Mm. I'm sorry.

I'm very…

very, very, very sorry--

I'm very, very, very sorry.

[Fat Tony] Why don't we just sleep on it?

Maybe Mr. Monk will reconsider.

[Sal] Yeah, Fat Tony's right.

Let's all think about it.

[Sal] Oh, Mr. Monk…

Are you right-handed or left-handed?

I'm right-handed.

But I--

I use my left hand too.

Almost every day.

Yeah, you used
your left hand this morning.

Right. That's right.

I'm ambidextrous, really.

[Sal] Yeah, well,

why don't you think about that too?

This conversation is over.

Oh, he's a charmer.

Sharona?

[Sharona] I'll be right there.

I love you both.

I'd never let anything happen to you.

I-I love both my hands.

Good.

Even though I don't use
my left hand as much,

I-I still love it.

Okay.

Let's try a different restaurant.

Thank you.

It was great talking to you.
I feel better.

Agent Colmes.

Mr. Monk, how are you? Get in the van.

I'm-- I'm waiting for Sharona.

Oh, you can wait in the van.

She won't know where I am.

We'll tell her.
Just get in the van, please.

-Don't make me say it again.
-I can't, uh--

-I can't sit in the back.
-Mm-hmm. There's no other seat.

Really, I am not playing favorites here.

I-I just told the mafia
the-- the same thing.

-You can ask them.
-That's really adorable.

-In the van now. Get in the van.
-I'm getting in, I'm getting in.

Look, just for the record,
I'm-- I'm using my left hand.

That's fascinating. Get in the van.

The government can't help but wonder

what you were doing
with Salvatore Lucarelli

and his underboss Fat Tony.

Excuse me.

Why do they call him Fat Tony?

Uh, because he used to weigh 250 pounds.

Oh, my God. Is this the same guy?

Mm. Now, the Lucarelli Family's
been under surveillance

by a joint ATF/FBI task force
for the last three months.

Is this the barbershop?

That is right.

Taken a week ago,
right before the massacre.

Had we stayed there one more day,
would've been able to see the whole thing.

Excuse me. What does he weigh now?

Okay, you know what? I have no idea.

Mr. Monk, you still haven't
answered my question.

What the hell were you doing there?

Salvatore wanted to hire me.

Well, that's excellent. What'd you say?

Well, I told him
I'd see him in hell first.

Well-- But not in those exact words.

We'd like you to take that job.

No.

No, if I take that job
and I I.D. the killers,

Salvatore will go ballistic,

and he'll wipe them all out,

and I-I couldn't live with myself.

[scoffs] Mr. Monk, you're ignoring
the big picture here.

This is an incredible opportunity.

No one's ever been
inside the family before.

You can get us the evidence we need
to bring the whole entire family down.

Hey, I showed them my I.D. downstairs.

I just gotta talk to my friend.

[Stottlemeyer] You reaching for your gun?

If you're reaching for your gun,
you better pull it or step aside.

-[door closes]
-Monk. Hey.

Colmes.

What do you think you're doing?

Okay, this is
a federal operation, Captain.

You have no business being here.

Well, neither does he. What's going on?

They want Adrian to go undercover

in the Lucarelli Family.

What's up with this picture
of you and Fat Tony?

Nothing, and don't call him that.

You're defending him?

Why don't you start by telling them

what happened to the last agent
that tried to infiltrate that family?

Oh, start by telling them where
they found the body buried.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Buried?

Actually, the parts they found.

[Colmes] That's a different situation.

That agent's cover was blown.

Monk's been invited in.
They already know he's a cop.

But I'm not a cop.

[Colmes] Well, you could be…

if you help us out.

What? What?

Hang on. Whoa, whoa. What's going on here?

What do you mean?

Monk, he's playing you. Just walk away.

No, wait, no. I want to hear this.

What-- What-- What are you saying?

What I'm saying is,

is that if you do me this favor--

this one little tiny favor--

I will call the police commissioner

next time you're up for reinstatement.

Come here.

Monk, I know this son of a bitch.

He's not to be trusted, okay?

You could go get yourself killed,

he would not so much as bat an eye.

He's right. It's too dangerous.

But what-- what if it was you,

and you didn't have this,

and you wanted it back?

[gentle music playing]

I'll do it.

I'm your--

I'm your man.

Good.

[Stottlemeyer]
There was a witness eating lunch

across the street around 11:45.

He saw three guys walk in here.

They stood here, rat-a-tat-tat,
like fish in a barrel.

Must have been horrible.

[Stottlemeyer] This barbershop
was being used by Salvatore

and his crew as a front for a numbers game

they were running out of this back room.

What's this?

Your friend Fat Tony--
it's his life story.

There was seven grand on that table.

Two indictments?

That doesn't mean anything.

It means he got lucky.

Look, I know why you're attracted to him.

I get it. You think he's dangerous.

Some people think I'm dangerous.

Yeah, people driving behind you.

The ballistic report says,

and Special Agent Colmes concurs,

that all five victims
were killed with the same weapon,

an Ingram Mac-10.

Three killers, but only one gun?

Yeah, maybe they took turns.

The money was still here?

Yep, seven grand.

Why wouldn't they just take it?

It wasn't a robbery.

These people don't send emails
to each other, Monk.

This is how they send a message.

What's this?

[Disher] From the gumball machine.

The killers must have ripped it out.

They used it to break
the window in the back.

That was their only way of escape,

because there were two uniforms out front.

Randy.

Hmm?

Right. Sorry.

Evidence.

Yes, it's evidence.
It's also been on the ground.

Yeah, you're dangerous.

Hey, Monk…

you can still back out.
This is not your case.

It is now.

He's just using you.

I'm using him too.

I don't remember you testifying for me

when you had the chance.

That's right, because I knew
that you weren't ready.

Somebody was sitting right here

doing this crossword puzzle.

Ah!

Didn't finish. I hate that.

Well, whoever it was,
he must have left before it went down.

But why wouldn't he take it with him?

To-- To finish?

Maybe it wasn't his.

[Monk] Well, this is the barbershop copy.

This had to have been his copy.

He must have been working
on this unfinished puzzle

for a while.

If I was almost finished
with a difficult crossword,

I'd-- I'd take it with me.

Wouldn't you?

To finish?

No. Tell me about the witness.

Uh, his name's Philip Bedard,
32, unmarried.

Works up the street.

Is he reliable?

I hope so. He works at the U.S. Mint.

[giggles]

I can't believe you just said that.

Well, you don't even know me.

Yeah, okay. Okay.

I'll call you later. Bye.

That was Tony.

Fat Tony?

He's not fat.

You know, he asked me out
on a date, and, uh…

I told him I'd think about it.

Sharona, you know what kind of man he is.

Yeah, but that's what I like about him.

Look, I know you always
want to check out my dates

and find out what's wrong with them,

but at least with Tony,

I already know he's a criminal.

I mean, I can't be surprised.

I've been surprised enough, you know?

Well, as long as that makes sense to you.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, Vince.

Vince, you know, you--

You don't have to follow us around.

If we have something
to report back to you,

I-I promise we're gonna call.

Uncle Sal told me to keep an eye on you.

-It's for your own protection.
-It's a little insulting.

I haven't needed
a babysitter since I was 19.

You had a babysitter when you were 19?

Everybody did. It was the late '70s.
It was a crazy time.

Mr. Monk, Ms. Fleming, I'm Phil Bedard.

Oh, hello. Thank you
so much for seeing us.

[Monk] Yes. Thank you.

-This is, uh…
-Oh, I'm so sorry. This is Vince.

He-- He's our friend.

Do they really make money here?

Yes, they do. This is
the second-largest mint in the country.

You got any free samples?

That's funny. I've never heard that one.

Anyway, sorry to keep you waiting.

It takes forever to get
through security these days

-after last week.
-What happened last week?

We came up five cents short.

All this for five cents?

Well, they weren't just any five cents.

They were five coins
that were accidentally misstamped--

heads on both sides.

Hmm. Were they valuable?

Maybe to a collector.

There's a lot of nuts out there.

You can say you got
a license to print money.

Yeah, and that is original as well.

Sorry. Four-letter word for infatuation.

Are you any good at these?

Nope. Can't do crossword puzzles.

So you witnessed the massacre, right?

Uh, not exactly.

Like I told the police,
I was across the street.

I saw three men go inside,
and then I heard the gunshots.

Don't look now, but we're being followed.

Don't look back. I said don't, didn't I?

-Where is he?
-[Monk] Black leather jacket.

He's been following us
since we left the Mint.

I'll take care of him.

No, it's okay. He works
for the Mint. Just ignore him.

They follow employees at random

as we leave the building.

Now you got two babysitters.

These-- These three men that you saw,

what-- what did they look like?

[sighs] I never got a good look
at their faces.

I'm sorry.

What were they wearing?

Uh, jackets.

One-- One guy had number 15 on the back.

Like a ballplayer?

No, uh…

It was-- It was written funny.

Written--

Written funny. Like--

Like this?

Did it look like this?

Maybe. Yeah.

Chinese gang.

The Tongs. That's their symbol.

Yeah, now that you mention it,
they-- they could have been Asian.

But everyone else is going!

Benjy, I told you,
money is tight right now.

We can only afford basic necessities.

This is a basic necessity to me.

It's a theme park.

It costs an arm and a leg just to walk in.

Look, I'm sorry, okay?

-Maybe next time.
-[doorbell rings]

[man] Sharona Fleming?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Sure.

[light music playing]

Well, looks like you're going.

Your father sent us a check.

For how much?

For everything,
plus four months in advance.

[car horn honks]

What's that?

[Sharona] What is he doing?

[Sharona scoffs]

Hey, Norm.

Ha!

It's good as new.

Actually, it's better than new.

I left the keys under the mat, okay?

You take checks?

Uh, no charge. No charge at all.

It was my pleasure. My pleasure.

Now, I've got to get back to the garage,
so you have a really nice day, okay?

Okay? See you later. Bye.

Wow, you must have
a Fairy Godmother or something.

Who's that?

My Fairy Godmother.

You know, I'm-- I'm really glad

that your boss changed his mind
about helping my Uncle Sal.

How's it going?

Oh, it's going good. Really good.

We have a couple of leads.

The-- The guy at the Mint, uh…

do you think he's involved?

Well, we checked him out,

and he has no mob connections at all.

No motive.

Did you really lose 55 pounds?

[chuckles] You know,
it was easy, it was just…

Got used to being hungry.

I-I realized that no food

tastes as good as being thin feels.

Except for this. [laughs]

You know what?

I really think you should talk
to your uncle about your nickname.

It-- It doesn't fit you anymore.

[laughs] I thought about it, but…

Uncle Sal is from
another century, you know?

-He's kind of set in his ways.
-Yeah.

I get the feeling Mr. Monk's the same way.

Well, he's either from another century

or another planet, I can't decide.

[chuckles]

Can I ask you something?

Sure.

How did you get my ex to send me a check?

I just called him up, had a little chat.

I can be very persuasive.

No, I-I was just afraid that, um…

That what?

That I'd hurt him?

Come on, Sharona. Who do you think I am?

That's a good question.

Well, I'm not my uncle, okay?

I just run some errands for him,

you know, to pay my tuition.

I'm going to night school, Sharona.

By this time next year,
I will have my MBA.

Really?

Yeah, I'm gonna hopefully have
my own business.

Oh. Doing what?

[exclaims] Okay, promise you won't laugh.

Oh, of course not.

I really want to open a bookstore.

Bookstore.

Okay, you sound a little disappointed.

What, you-- You'd prefer me
to be a real badass,

you know, a gangster,
like you see on TV, huh?

No. I'm not disappointed.

Not at all.

[tense music playing]

Uh, yeah, um, excuse me.

We're looking for Jimmy Lu.

Um, you-- you speak English?

[speaking foreign language]

Send them in.

Mr. Lu. My name is Adrian--

I know who you are, Mr. Monk.

I know who you're working for.

I also know you've been
asking people about me.

Why?

Um, is this your jacket?

That's right.

Yeah, well, a man was seen
wearing a jacket like this

in Salvatore Lucarelli's barbershop

just before the murders.

It wasn't me or my crew. Someone's lying…

or setting me up.

Excuse me, um, I've been
working on this puzzle.

Maybe you can help me out.

Blank "Jaworski." It's, uh, four letters.

Any-- Any ideas?

Ninety-eight… [grunts]

No. Sorry.

Ninety-nine…

[grunts]

[satisfied grunt]

Uh, are you-- Are you stopping?

Are you stopping? You just-- You did 99.

You can't just stop.

Why not?

Well, it's not--
It's just-- It's not right.

Why don't you do one more?

Ninety-nine is plenty.
Ninety-nine is my record.

Uh, Mr. Lu,

have you ever been
to Salvatore's Barbershop?

Let's just make it an even hundred.

Come on, one more. One more.

Sharona, give him a little boost there.

I'm not giving him a boost.

How many can you do, Mr. Monk?

I don't know. But I know this--

If I ever did 99, I-I wouldn't stop.

I'd dig down… deep down.

All right. I'll do one more…

Oh, please.

Because you're a friend of Salvatore's,

tell Salvatore I'm sorry
about what happened.

It's bad business.

Bad for everybody.

No. No.

You just did two.

Why did you do that?
Now he's gotta do 99 more.

Now you have to do 99 more.

I'm just-- I'm exhausted.

-[Sharona screams]
-Look out! Go! Go!

[man] Go, go, go, go, go!

Well, congratulations, Mr. Monk.

You just about started a mob war.

What about them-- your undercover agents?

-Almost killed in that fire.
-No, they weren't.

My shirt was singed. You saw it.

It was all singed. My sleeve…

Why did you tell Salvatore
you thought the Tongs

were behind the barbershop massacre?

-You knew he'd go ballistic.
-We didn't tell Salvatore anything.

Vinnie Spaghetti obviously
heard you talking about it.

I'm not so sure Salvatore
had anything to do with this fire.

A Molotov cocktail doesn't
really seem like his style, does it?

Really? Then who was it then?

-Who was it?
-[Stottlemeyer] Don't know.

Hey, this has been oodles of fun.

Sorry it didn't work out.
We're outta here.

-Thank you very much.
-No, no. No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Just-- We could use this, all right?

What if… you get Salvatore
to admit on tape

that he ordered the attack?

-On tape.
-You want him to wear a wire?

Are you insane? If Salvatore
finds a wire on him,

he'll slit his throat.

-Or he'd have Fat Tony do it.
-He's not fat.

If you do this,

it won't just be me supporting
your reinstatement, all right?

It'll be the attorney general.

Okay, okay.

Here's the thing.

I can't have anything taped to my chest.

Oh, that's fine. Come here,
let me show you this.

Uh, you see, these days,

we can put a transmitter

just about anywhere on the human body.

We have six options.

Number one… is out.

Number two…

Uh…

You wouldn't actually
shave me there, would you?

-Yeah.
-Okay. No thank you.

Number three…

What if you had to sit down?

Right. Good point.

Number four…

Even if I die,

don't let them do number four.

Number five.

I'll do-- Okay, I'll-- I'll try that.

That's only for women.

Oh, right.

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.

-[Disher clears throat]
-Uh, number six.

Number six-- I can do that.

Number six? Great.

Not four.

Don't touch that, please.

-Randy.
-Sorry.

[Sal] Hey, hey, Joey.

Hey, Sal.

[Sal] Thank you for coming.

He was a sweet kid.

Yes, he was.

I gave him his first job,

collecting for me
after school on his bicycle.

[chuckles] I remember.

I was there when he stole that bike.

Testing.

[over speakers] Testing, testing…

[Sharona] Leave it alone.

Mr. Monk, Sharona.

I'm so glad you could come.

Well, we're so sorry about your loss.

Uh, how was the service?

It was heartbreaking.

I'm gonna have to frisk you.

You understand.

-Oh, sure.
-[Monk] Um…

[Monk] Mm…

Mr. Monk.

That is a, uh, very nice tie.

It's mine. [laughs]

I've had it for… years.

Well, uh, who's next?

[Sharona] You're very thorough.

-[Sharona laughs]
-Okay.

Please.

Adrian, Sharona.

Thank you for coming.

Salvatore, how you holding up?

I buried five good men today.

But I'll survive. I always do.

It's my curse.

You're… missing a knife.

It's not missing. I know where it is.

Try the scungilli.

No. Uh, no, no thank you.

I made it myself.

Oh, I'd love some. Thank you.

Octopus.

[quirky music playing]

I must have this recipe.

You didn't even taste it.

Oh, this is delicious.

I must-- I must have this recipe.

So, um,

so, Salvatore, um,

I guess you heard about the, uh,

the firebombing in-- in Chinatown.

You just nodded. Yes?

-Right.
-You have any theories

about who might have--
might have done that?

Theories? Theories are
for smart guys like you.

I don't need theories. I know who did it.

A couple of kids from L.A.

A couple of wannabes trying to impress me.

I took care of them.

So you didn't do the firebombing.

When I want Jimmy Lu dead,
believe me, he'll know it.

Hey, Luigi.

-Oh, God.
-What?

[groans]

-[squeaking sound]
-[Colmes] What is that?

Get on that now.

[squeaking sound]

-Right, right, try this.
-[Stottlemeyer] Is it the tape player?

-Wait, wait, I think I got it.
-What, what, what?

-[squeaking sound]
-[all clamoring]

It's still there. It's there.

Now it's a water stain.

[squeaking sound]

It's gone.

[squeaking sound]

There's something bothering me
about this case.

I can't put my finger on it,
but I would love

to get back to that barbershop.

I'll go with you.

I haven't been back since it happened.

Oh, well, you know,
it's an official crime scene.

They don't let civilians in.

Maybe they'll make an exception.

-I'll make a call.
-[Monk] Okay…

but you'd be wasting your time.

'Cause they never let any-- anybody in.

[Sharona] No.

What's he doing?

Thinking.

Brainpower-- do you see that?

That is the way to solve a problem.

Maybe we ought to try more of that.

Fewer people to bury.

[Monk] The mystery man is here,
doing the crossword puzzle.

They grab the gumball machine…

run out the back…

They could have grabbed anything.

Why the gumball machine?

Why the gumball machine?

Sharona. The crime scene photos.

Here.

Mr. Lucarelli, can I say something?

Your nephew Tony here
is in really great shape.

Oh, come on, Sharona…

No. I mean, he's lost a ton of weight,

and he kept it off,
which is really the hard part, so…

Don't you think he should have
a different nickname?

Uncle Sal, I didn't say anything.

He's always been Fat Tony
ever since he was a kid.

Yeah, I know, but look at him.

What about Big Tony? That's pretty close.

-We already got a Big Tony.
-Who?

Big Tony.

This conversation is over.
In fact, it never happened.

Oh, that's a shame.

It's not here.

Wh-- what's not here?

The gumball machine.

Well, they used it to smash the window,

then took off down the alley.

[Monk] I know, but where is it?

These pictures were taken that morning.

But it's not in the street.

It's not in the back room.

They must have taken it with them.

[Sal] Why would they do that?

[suspenseful music playing]

Salvatore, sir,

what happened here-- these murders--

had nothing to do with you or your family.

It was all…

about these.

Gumballs.

Gumballs?

Hey, Phil, how you doing?

Remember us?

You said you didn't like
crossword puzzles.

I thought I'd try one.

You're pretty good.

Greek vowel, four letters,

beginning with "I."

Iota. I-O-T-A.

Thank you.

I like puzzles too.

I've been working on a pretty tough one.

It involves you, Mr. Bedard.

That's you, isn't it?

It was taken in front of the barbershop

the day before the massacre.

Maybe.

That's a pretty big bubble, Phil.

You must've bought, what,
four, maybe five, gumballs?

It was five. Five gumballs.

Here's what happened…

You stole five cents
from your employer last week.

On any other job, no one would miss it.

Of course, you work for the U.S. Mint.

They were those five
double-headed pennies.

[Sharona] We did a little research.

They're worth $200,000 each.

[Monk] One of their security guards
must've followed you.

You panicked.

You had to get rid of those coins.

[Sharona] You needed to hide them
for a day or two, but where?

[Monk] The gumball machine.
It was perfect.

You figured you'd come back
when the coast was clear

to pick them up.

[Sharona] But you had no idea
that the barbershop

was a front for the mob.

[Monk] You found out, though--
the next day,

when you tried to steal the machine.

-I'll be right back.
-[man] Take your time.

[Monk] So was it the barber
that tried to stop you?

Or maybe it was a customer.

What the hell are you doing?

Whoever it was, they had a gun…

[Monk] That you somehow managed to grab,

and then all hell broke loose.

[dramatic music playing]

[Sharona] All for five pennies.

That's a penny
for every person you killed.

Then you said you witnessed the attack

so that you could steer everyone--

me, the cops, the Lucarelli Family--

toward that gang in Chinatown.

I didn't want to hurt anyone.

[scoffs] Those idiots
pulled out their guns.

It was an accident.
Things just got out of hand.

Anyway, who's gonna miss them?

They're gangsters, like you said.

Well, accident or not,
you're going to jail.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

How are you gonna prove any of this

without the pennies?

-Did you get that, guys?
-What are you doing?

See that van over there?

Okay, fellas. You can pick him up now.

Hello.

Here we go.

Watch this.

Let's go!

Here we go.

Now.

Excuse me.

-Just keep an eye on him.
-Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you finish your puzzle?

What-- What are you doing?

-He just confessed.
-He did?

-Didn't you hear that?
-No.

No, we got nothing but static. Wait--

Your necktie-- what happened to the stain?

I finally got it out.

What did you do to the tie?

I washed it…

ironed it.

[Colmes] Excuse me. Ironed it?

Are you insane?
That transmitter cost $20,000.

But the stain is out.

Great, great, we blew it.

Maybe we can trick him
into saying it again.

Oh, really? How are we gonna do that?

Well, I'll just go back there,
sit down, and say…

"What?"

It might be worth a try.

Okay, okay, I-I did it! It was me!

All right? I confess!
Just-- Just let me in!

-[Stottlemeyer] Hey!
-[Disher] Hey!

I did it, all right? I-I stole it.

I stole the pennies,
and I-I shot the place up,

so just arrest me.

What are you waiting for?

What the--

[sighs] He's very persuasive.

Sharona. You still seeing Tony?

Yeah. So?

I've been logging
these surveillance tapes from last week.

This is from Salvatore's car
Tuesday night.

I think you should hear it.

[Sal on recording]
So, what's with you and the nurse?

[Tony] Just having
a few laughs, you know me.

Hey, get this-- I told her
I'm gonna open up a bookstore.

[Sal] You? Heh. I've never even
seen you inside a bookstore.

[Tony] Heh. What was I
gonna tell her, the truth?

That I'm your enforcer,

that I hurt people for a living?

[Salvatore] Eh? And she bought it?

[Tony] Hey, they always buy it.
You know why?

'Cause I tell 'em what they want to hear.

You okay?

I'm sorry.

[somber music playing]

Thanks, Randy.

Maybe you won't make such fun
of me all the time now, huh?

No chance of that.

So, Colmes, where are you going?

Denver. Other fish to fry.

What about Monk? You had a deal.

The reinstatement hearing.

Yeah, that was if we nailed Lucarelli.

He's out playing golf today.
We just nailed

a trigger-happy coin collector,
so the deal is void, Captain.

-You gave him your word.
-The deal's void, Captain.

Let me tell you something, Colmes.

Adrian Monk may be afraid
of milk and germs

and elevators and puppies,

but you-- you couldn't pack
that man's lunch.

Uh, that's true, actually.

I've seen that man pack a lunch.

He's insane.

It was great working with you, Captain.

He's not gonna help me, is he?

No. I'm sorry.

I guess I never really expected him to.

Never trust a fed.

I should've decked him.

No. Don't worry. I got him back.

Really? What'd you do?

See their vans?

[Stottlemeyer] Yeah.

[Monk] One of them is packed full.

The other one isn't even half full.

They're uneven.

I didn't tell him. I didn't say a word.

I'm just gonna let them
drive away like that.

That'll teach him to mess with us.

Damn straight.

Yep.

[theme music playing]