All language subtitles for Monk_S01E01_Mr. Monk and the Candidate_ Part 1.English (CC)

[suspenseful music playing]

[suspenseful music continues]

The stove.

Over here, it's in the kitchen.

No, I mean my stove.

-I think I left it on.
-[woman] It's okay.

I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.

-Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
-Yeah.

The little knob, though.

I turned all the knobs.

The stove was off, Adrian.

Excuse me, sir,
we believe it was a burglary gone sour.

She walked in. She surprised him.

-He panicked…
-No.

-…he got a knife from the kitchen, he--
-No. No, no.

-No, no, this-- this was no burglary.
-It wasn't?

He tried to make it look like one,
but this guy was cold as ice.

He wore slippers…
to avoid leaving shoeprints.

Not something your neighborhood crackhead

is prone to do.

[woman] Adrian.

[clap] Adrian.

[quirky music playing]

-He was in here. He was waiting.
-Waiting for what?

You know, for her.
He was here at least an hour.

He was smoking.
You can still smell it on the curtains.

Menthols.

Salems.

-Possibly Newports.
-Maybe she was the smoker.

No, no, she was a Dutch Calvinist,
they don't smoke.

They-- they consider their bodies
to be a holy-- a holy chalice of-- Um…

Sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating
because I think I smell gas.

Did you hear the click?

Because you gotta hear the click,
not just feel the click. Hear it.

[quirky music continues]

Anyway, uh, after he killed Miss, uh--

Nicole Vasques, 25.

Yeah, Miss Vasques,

he-- he-- he hung around.
He was, uh, looking for something.

Looking for what?

I don't know.

He checked something on her computer.

He could have erased a file.

-Anything else?
-Yes, he's tall.

He's, uh, 6'3", maybe 6'4".

What about the--
what about the pilot light?

-Because sometimes it goes out.
-The pilot light is fine. It's fine.

Do you remember
the last time it almost went out?

[sighs] Want me to drive
all the way back to the city

-and check the stove?
-No.

-Is that what you're telling me to do?
-No, no, no.

Would you? Could you?

-[sighs]
-That would be great.

Oh, ex-- excuse me, gentlemen,
just one second, okay? Just--

Who is she?

Just his nurse.

Forget about the damn stove, okay?

You are on a job here.
You're a private consultant.

-I know, but I smelled it, and I--
-Okay. You gotta shut up.

The department thinks you're nuts,
you're never gonna get reinstated,

you're never gonna get hired again,
and we are both gonna be unemployed.

Do you understand
the importance of what I am saying?

Now… pull your twisted self together.

Concentrate and be brilliant.

[chuckles]

You're brilliant.

[officer] Excuse me, sir.

I'm sure that you're right,
but how do you know all of that?

-I mean, about the computer--
-It's patently obvious.

There are no prints on the keyboard,
not even hers.

Why? He used it.

He wiped them clean.

Right, and you said that he was tall.

Well, the victim's short. Maybe 5'4".

Look at the chair.
It's lowered almost all the way.

[officer] Wow.

We've been here all morning
and nobody noticed that.

-Well.
-Sir, if you can stick around for a bit.

-The coroner's on his way…
-No, I'm sorry, I gotta go.

I'm pretty sure I smell gas.

Gentlemen, you know
where to find us. Just call.

So that's the famous Adrian Monk?

[officer 2] Yeah, the living legend.

Would you call that living?

["It's a Jungle Out There"
by Randy Newman playing]

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

♪ Disorder and confusion everywhere ♪

♪ No one seems to care ♪

♪ Well, I do ♪

♪ Hey, who's in charge here? ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

♪ Poison in the very air we breathe ♪

♪ Do you know
What's in the water that you drink? ♪

♪ Well, I do, and it's a-ma-zing ♪

♪ People think I'm crazy
'Cause I worry all the time ♪

♪ If you paid attention
You'd be worried too ♪

♪ You'd better pay attention
Or this world we love so much ♪

♪ Might just kill you ♪

♪ I could be wrong now ♪

♪ But I don't think so ♪

♪ 'Cause it's a jungle out there ♪

♪ It's a jungle out there ♪

Thirty-one, 32, 33,
34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40.

Doc, I'm feeling great.

Dr. Kroger. I'm feeling great, Dr. Kroger.

You can't--
you can't sweat the small stuff.

Just you go with the flow.

It's a new me.

It's-- it's a whole new me.

And-- and thanks to you.
I owe it all to you.

Feel like I'm back in the saddle.

I owe it all to you, Doc.

I took your advice, Doc.

I'm going with the flow.

[Dr. Kroger] So.

-Going with the flow?
-[both laugh]

Good. Good for you.

You-- you've been, what,
doing-- doing some consulting?

Yeah, in Santa Clara.

I have an old friend there
who's a second lieutenant,

and… called me in.

[chuckles]

How did that make you feel?

I-- I mean, you know, being called in?

It feels great.

Feels like old times.

Back in the saddle.

[both laugh]

You think you're ready
to go back full-time?

No, I don't-- I don't mean consulting.
You know, I mean, back on the force.

Definitely.

Absolutely.

Do you think I'm ready?
That's-- that's the question.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Well, you keep looking at the pillow.

If you wanna fix the pillow,
it's okay, you could fix the pillow…

-No, I was just--
-It's okay, really.

I was thinking about-- No, I'm-- I'm fine.

How are you sleeping?
Are you… still having those dreams?

Well, Trudy and I
were married for seven years.

It would be weird if I--

if I never dreamt about her, right?
You're testing me, aren't you?

You-- you--
you left it like that on purpose.

Did I?

[laughs]

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, so anyway, um…

I've-- I've been feeling…

Excuse me.

[quirky music playing]

Hold it, that-- Just--

There, then…

Okay. No big deal.

Where were we?

[suspenseful music playing]

[elevator dings]

[suspenseful music continues]

[faint cheering from below]

You people sound
like you're ready for a change.

-[cheering]
-Am I right? Or am I right?

The band doesn't start playing
until the balloons go, okay?

-Right?
-Yeah.

San Francisco has
a simple decision to make.

Wait for my cue.

Do we tread water or do we move ahead?

[all] Ahead!

But hell, that's all right.

Hey, how we doing?

I'm getting lockjaw, Kevin.

When can I stop smiling?

I'm afraid you're gonna have
to get used to it, Miranda.

I told you when I signed on,
City Hall is just the beginning.

I am your Moses,

and I am gonna take you and your husband

to the Promised Land.

-As my old man used to say…
-I've seen Sacramento, Gavin.

-It's hardly the Promised Land.
-Forget Sacramento.

I'm talking about the White House.

And don't forget, when you elect me,

you're getting two mayors
for the price of one.

-My wife, Miranda.
-[cheering]

I'm not just talking the talk.

I'm ready to walk the walk.

Are you ready to walk with me?

[cheering]

[patriotic music playing]

[gunshot]

[screaming]

[gunshots and screaming]

He's up there!

-Up there!
-All units now!

[knock on door]

Okay, I'll call you back.
I'll call you back. Okay.

St. Claire just issued another statement.

-Is he blaming us?
-Not yet, just ra-ra stuff.

He will not be silenced,
he will not be intimidated.

And he will be blaming us soon enough.
Everybody does, sooner or later.

We gotta make a statement too.

Is the press here? Who's here?

-The girl from Channel 3.
-The pretty one?

No, the other one.

It's okay.

-Good. Who do you want on camera?
-Me. I'll do it.

I think it will reassure people
to see me taking point.

-Yes, sir.
-Anything on the shooter? Say yes.

Uh, the forensic boys are still on site,
but nothing so far.

Incoming, deputy mayor.

Hello, Sheldon Berger.
Who let you off your leash?

I just came from the hospital.

The bodyguard didn't make it.

Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento.

I don't have to tell you, Captain,

we're on a bus to hell.

-I understand.
-If we don't slam-dunk this thing,

-it's gonna look like we're not trying.
-I'm not an idiot, Sheldon.

-I've got every available man on the case.
-No, you don't.

The mayor wants you
to bring in your old friend.

Monk?

[honk passing by]

-I still can't believe this.
-Bus. Bus, bus.

The mayor asked for you, personally.

There's a bus on the right.

Oh, this is great.

This is gonna get you
back on the force, I'm telling you.

I already have a job, remember?

The girl in Santa Clara--
Merging, merging!

-Everybody's--
-You wanna drive?

-What lane are you in?
-You wanna drive?

I'll sit there and yell and point

and drive you nuts,
'cause you're driving me nuts, Adrian.

Okay, all right, I'm sorry.

It's red! It's red, come on.

It's red!

Be cool. No, no, not today.
No, no, can't today.

Look who's here, the defective detective.

-Hello, Monk.
-Captain.

Sharona.

-Lieutenant.
-Hi.

You look good.

Dr. Kroger says
you've been getting out some.

Oh, he is really doing great.

-I can't even keep up with him. Thanks.
-Excellent.

Well, the candidate
is waiting for us upstairs.

I want to make this crystal clear.

You're here because the mayor
thinks you can walk on water,

but you're a civilian now, Monk.
You have observer status only.

Okay, when I'm in there,
I-- I talk, you say nothing.

Understand?

Look, Monk,

when I took your badge
three years ago, I told you

nothing would give me more pleasure
than to see you reinstated,

and I meant that.

But you're obviously not ready.

-Is that you talking, or the uniform?
-I am the uniform, Monk.

You didn't understand that
back when I was your watch commander.

Now you just stay out
of my way, and we'll be fine.

Yes, sir.

A-- and I'm sure you
and Karen will work things out.

[quirky music playing]

What did you say?

You and your wife,

you're having some problems.

What are you talking about?
Karen and I are fine.

-We're 100%.
-Yes, sir. My mistake.

Um, never been happier to be wrong.

Hey, Monk, come here.

How did you know that?

You missed a spot shaving.
Karen would've caught that.

And your necktie,
she always ties it for you.

She uses that double-slip knot.

Conclusion: You dressed yourself.

And, uh, your Ramada Inn cup.

Send her some roses maybe.

[quirky music continues]

When we get in there,
you don't say anything.

No, no, no, forget it.

We're four points behind
with ten days to go.

I am not putting my man in a box.

Nobody wants to put
anybody in a box, Mr. Lloyd.

All we wanna do is limit
your public appearances

and not announce your schedule in advance.

The mayor would love that.

We should move the whole campaign
and run from the basement.

-How 'bout that?
-Now, Gavin, that's not fair.

The captain's just doing his job.

Mr. St. Claire, can you think
of anybody who might wish you harm?

-A disgruntled employee?
-[Miranda] Or an ex-wife?

Or a union official.

I know a couple of ex-business partners

who no longer send us Christmas cards.

You boys have your work cut out for you.

A man who hasn't made
any enemies hasn't done squat.

Warren, you're sure
you wanna go through with this?

After yesterday, no one
would blame you if you quit.

Jesse, you used to say
"quit" was a four-letter word.

Excuse me, we haven't been introduced.

-I'm sorry, who are you?
-Jesse Goodman.

I work upstairs.

Senior vice president
slash concerned friend.

I couldn't make this run

if Jesse wasn't upstairs
minding the store.

Baby.

Do you need that?

Yes, I do.

Somebody tried to kill my husband
yesterday, right in front of me.

[whispering] Monk.

Excuse me!

What-- what are you doing?

-I was just straightening up--
-Oh, my God.

Excuse me,
that's color-coded by voting precinct.

It took me three weeks to set this up.

-Sorry.
-[whispering] Monk.

What department are you with?

Ma'am, this is Adrian Monk.
He's no longer with our department.

He's here as a private consultant.

-I'll put 'em all back the way they were.
-No, no, stop.

You can't possibly remember
how everything was, so just--

-Yes, he can.
-If you just give me a chance,

really, it won't take too long.
Look, it will take one second.

Adrian, let go of the board.

So, Captain, you say
he's no longer with the department?

He was given a 3-15.

-A psychological discharge.
-It's a temporary suspension.

-A psychological discharge.
-It's a temporary suspension.

He's up for a review next week.

Is-- is this a joke?

Someone tries to kill my husband,
and you send in Rain Man?

Mrs. St. Claire, I can assure you
Mr. Monk's involvement is an indication

of just how seriously
we are taking this case.

Is he, uh… [whistles]?

No, no, um,
it's a form of anxiety disorder.

A severe case like this
is usually triggered

by a single traumatic incident.

Someone hit him
over the head with a shovel?

His wife was murdered four years ago.

A car bomb.

There!

Unbelievable.

Wait.

[quirky music playing]

There.

Now I'd like to see…
where the shots were fired from.

[suspenseful music playing]

What's he doing?

I love this part.

He does this Zen-Sherlock Holmes thing.

[suspenseful music continues]

What?

He used the drawstring to steady his shot.

I've seen it before.

In the field manual for the Green Berets.

Special forces.

-It's possible.
-Captain, could you grab this?

It'll just take a minute. Hold this up.

-Like a rifle.
-Right.

-How tall are you?
-Six foot.

-No, really.
-Five eleven.

Our guy was taller, 6'3", maybe 6'4".

Just like Santa Clara.

Just like what?

The homicide in Santa Clara.

We've been consulting on it.

I've read about that.
It's a completely different M.O.

What, you think there's a connection
because this guy might be tall?

Lieutenant, get the Warriors on the line.

I want to talk to Antoine Sanderson,

see if he's got an alibi
for Thursday morning.

Captain, do you know
the percentage of men over 6'3"?

-No, do you?
-Maybe 0.5.

The odds of two men
in this city in that category

committing premeditated murder
within two days of each other

are astronomical.

What, all because
of a twisted Venetian blind cord?

-Monk, that's a stretch even for you.
-That and he wore slippers.

And he smokes Newports.

[laughs]

This isn't police work.
This-- this is vaudeville.

He's already killed two--

two--

-Oh, oh.
-Oh, it-- it's nothing.

He just has a little problem with heights.

[phone rings]

Can we, uh--
Just gotta find an open computer

and then I can check up the name.

Oh, over here. Let's see.

Oh, ah, so, um, V-A-S--

Q-U-E-S, Nicole Vasques.

I don't know her,
but that doesn't mean anything.

I only been here a couple days.

But, uh, let's see.

She's not a volunteer.

[computer beeps]

And she's not on staff, sorry.

What's your name?

-Jake.
-Jake.

My name's Adrian Monk.

Here's my card. If you think
of anything, you give me a call.

Okay, sure.

[clears throat] Well…

[church bells toll]

What does a man say about a friend
who took a bullet that was meant for him?

Mere words like…
"thank you" seem so hollow.

When I heard Jason had passed…

[Sharona] This guy is too good to be true.

-…I considered quitting the race…
-Maybe he's a decent man.

Isn't that possible?

…and then I talked to Risa,

Jason's mother,

and she reminded me
her son was no quitter…

You know what I think?

I think he did it.

-Who?
-St. Claire.

[scoffs]

You can't buy this kind of publicity.

-Right.
-Come on.

…see it through, or why begin at all?

Well, what do you think?

I think this case
and the girl in Santa Clara…

are connected somehow.

So, who?

Someone who knew them both.

Someone…

-What are you doing?
-Do you have…

-What?
-…my keys? I can't find my keys.

-I don't have your keys.
-Well, I--

-Adrian, calm down.
-Did you put them in your bag?

No, I don't touch your keys,

'cause if I touch your keys,
you freak out.

-[indistinct]
-Calm down!

John Donne said, "The democracy of death…"

Adrian, just stop it.

[indistinct whispering]

-…everyone who knew Jason remembers.
-[fabric rattles]

Let's remember Jason as he was.

I got 'em.

Okay. I got 'em.

Right here. Okay.

It's such a relief, you know?

[upbeat tense music playing]

In a few seconds,
we will be closing the casket

and saying goodbye to Jason forever.

Adrian, it's okay.

We'll make new ones. Just…

No, it's the key chain.

The key chain, it was Trudy's. I gotta--

I gotta-- I've gotta have those keys.

-That packet right there-- I can just--
-No.

-You are going straight to hell.
-I am in hell.

May his loving spirit live forever

in our hearts, and in our prayers.

[upbeat tense music continues]

Why don't we take a moment and…

meditate silently?

[upbeat tense music continues]

[St. Claire] Now…

old friend…

we turn, and salute you, one last time.

[upbeat tense music continues]

[gasps, murmuring]

[Jesse] We have one car, he's ready to go.

You should be ashamed of yourself!

Do you lie awake at night,

thinking of ways to disrupt
my husband's campaign?

Now, Miranda…

No, I lie awake at night
and try not to think at all.

These things happen.

Hell, for a minute I thought
I had a new campaign slogan.

"Vote for St. Claire,
he can raise the dead."

-[chuckles] Where's my boy?
-[Jesse] Right here, sir.

-Make sure Miranda gets home.
-Of course.

Mrs. St. Claire? A couple of questions.

Let me ask you a question.

How can you investigate anything?

I'm told you're germaphobic,
afraid of the dark, heights,

crowds, and milk.

We're working on the milk.
He's making good progress on milk.

Huh.

Uh, Mrs. St. Claire,
I-- I sense that you're a little upset,

but I can tell you why I dropped my keys.

I've been a bit preoccupied
with another case.

A girl was murdered in Santa Clara.

-Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
-No.

-No?
-No.

Sir? Sir? Did you know her?
Uh, Nicole Vasques?

Uh, no.

-Should I?
-No, no, no reason you should.

Excuse me. Jesse.

Ma'am, if you could take
another look, Nicole Vasques--

I don't know anyone by that name.

What I do know

is if my husband is elected mayor,

you will never work in this town again.

Let's go.

Are you registered to vote?

I never vote. It only encourages them.

Ugh, let's get out of here.
She makes me sick.

Do you know how much her husband's worth?

-No.
-A hundred and fifty million dollars.

-Here.
-They were talking about it on the radio.

-That's a lot of motive.
-Yes, it is.

[tense music playing]

-You trying to kill yourself?
-Maybe.

-[car door closes]
-[engine starts]

Miranda St. Claire
called the mayor personally.

You couldn't just buy another key chain?

Trudy gave it to him.

It's irreplaceable.

Captain. We just got
the forensic report back.

The bullets were hollow-point.
Designed to deform on impact.

Those can't be traced.

Yeah, but we caught a lucky break.
One of them was still intact.

They ID'd the weapon.
It's a Weatherby Fibermark rifle,

-which is British.
-[Monk] British.

It-- it's British.

Long-range.

Preferred by mercenaries
and paramilitary groups.

That's right. He's right.

Well, start a list of weapons
and/or ammunition sales.

-Yes, sir.
-Could you cross-check that

against Nicole Vasques?

Who?

-The homicide in Santa Clara.
-Sir, your ten o'clock?

The cases don't overlap, Monk.

She worked for the DMV,
he was a candidate for mayor.

She was behind on her rent,
he has houses all over the world.

He was stabbed, she was shot.

Let it go.

We gonna let it go?

Hell no.

-What are we gonna do now?
-We're gonna follow the money.

Mm! Ah! I've always wanted to say that!

"The Queen said to the royal doctor,

[with British accent]
'I'm so worried about the princess.'"

"'She has all the emeralds
and rubies and riches in the kingdom

but she never laughs.'"

"'Who can make the princess laugh?'"

"So they called the court jester."

-[child coughs]
-"The court jester,

-as everyone knew…"
-[child coughs]

"…was the silliest
and funniest court jester

that ever there was."

-"With a jingle and a jangle…"
-[child coughs]

"he rolled into the court."

[child coughs]

"'My Queen calls,'
he sang out as he bowed."

"'Jester,' said the Queen,

'The princess has forgotten how to laugh,

and I am giving you
the job of bringing back

her smiles to this court.'"

-"'When shall I start?' He asked."
-[child coughs]

"Just then,
the princess entered the court,

and everyone fell silent."

"'Now is as good a time as any,'
she said."

"The jester turned
and greeted the princess,

and he bowed, he rolled end over end,

and when he stopped,
flowers appeared in his--"

-[screams]
-[bell rings]

Hey, you okay?

Yeah, I've been better.

-Where is she?
-I don't know.

Just give me a moment, please.

Here she is.

You're great with the kids.

Well, it's easy when you
don't have any of your own.

Let's get this over with.
I have a fundraiser in Denver tonight.

Sure, sure, I, uh,

I only have, uh, a couple
of questions, Mrs. St. Claire.

Just… basic background stuff.

Really. Um… uh, do you have
any bank accounts in your own name?

No.

Do you want to maybe take some notes here?

No, I'll remember it.

Yeah, probably better to write it down.

-You don't think I can remember it?
-[Monk] How long have you, uh…

and Warren been married?

-Five years.
-That must be tough.

He's so busy,
and now he's running for mayor.

I-- I would think that
would be kinda-- kinda stressful.

You've been married, right?

Yes, uh…

I have.

Then I don't have to tell you
every marriage is stressful.

That's why they call it "marriage."
Is there anything else?

[Monk] Yeah.

Are you, uh-- are you going
to be seeing Mr. Goodman later?

Jesse?

Jesse.

Why do you ask?

Well, if you see him,
you know, uh-- [chuckles]

Just-- would you tell him to call me?

Because I would just--
I'd love to talk to him, and…

you know, if you see him.

Are you accusing me
of something, Mr. Monk?

I-- I don't know, uh,
are-- are you guilty of something?

[chuckles]

Oh… Mr. Monk,

you seem like an intelligent person.

[chuckles] On occasion.

Warren is the first man in my life

that never gave up on me.

Last week, if I could have,

I would've taken that bullet myself.

You have to believe me.

Mrs. St. Claire… I have to listen to you.

I don't have to believe you.

I'm leaving now.

She did it. There's no doubt
in my mind that witch did it.

Hello?

Adrian, it's for you. Okay?

Yes, Monk.

Oh, Mr. Monk, it's Jake
from the St. Claire campaign.

I think I found something.

I'll be right there.

Uh, actually, I was about to leave.

I could drop it off at your place.
Be there in a half hour.

Good, I-- I'll meet you there.

Is that a personal call?

-Uh, no, sir--
-Good.

I may be a little late.

All right, my beautiful people,
I love each and every one of you,

but these envelopes
will not get stuffed by themselves.

[salsa music playing on radio]

What now?

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, thanks, no, not today.

Come on, I just cleaned it, come on!

Aw, all right, fine, fine.

Fine.

[groans]

[tires screech]

[indistinct radio chatter]

Captain. [grunts]

Captain, Captain.

We got the preliminary.

Probable accident.
Severe blunt trauma to the head.

Uh-huh. Okay.

[Sharona] Captain? Captain?

Are there any documents in the car?

Like a notebook?

[indistinct chatter]

No.

[Sharona] Uh, Captain?

What?

Check his hat.

[captain] What?

He used to carry things in his hat.

-Is there a hat?
-They didn't pull anything.

He wasn't wearing a hat!

[captain] What are you doing?

Come on down.
The accident scene's down here.

[murmurs]

[sighs]

He's not wearing the right shoes today.

He's not wearing the right shoes today.

Well, look, there's nothing to do here.

Coroner's already called it.

-It's a single-car accident.
-No, no, no, this was no accident.

There's no skid marks on the road.

It's wet!

You're not the only detective here, Monk.

I checked for skid marks.

It happens all the time on this hill.

He hit this curve at 85, 90 miles an hour.

[whistles] Boom!

No, no, this was staged.

He was killed somewhere else.

Maybe you could tell me
where this murder took place,

because that would be very helpful.

Cole Avenue and 17th Street.

How could you possibly know that?

We were meeting at my house.

He probably took Cole.

I'm thinking he was killed
at that stop sign on 17th Street.

Why 17th?

There's a homeless shelter there.
They wash windshields for spare change.

I'm thinking somebody approached the car,

started washing the window,
and then attacked him.

You can see the windshield
even better from here.

The driver's side's clean.

Passenger's side's filthy.

Go check the windshield blade.

[indistinct radio chatter]

Go, Adrian. Good going.

Excuse me, officer? [clears throat]

Can you come here for a sec?

Son of a bitch.

Adrian, this officer
is gonna drive you home, okay?

Thank you.

Behave yourself, he's armed.

-Why? Where you going?
-I have a date, I told you about it!

Oh, I thought you were joking.

You thought I was joking?

What, you don't think
I could possibly have a date?

No, I didn't mean that.

-What is so funny about me dating, Adrian?
-Nothing. Sorry.

It's just-- it's Tuesday.

It's chicken pot pie night.

[sighs] Don't be such a baby.

My 11-year-old kid
could bake a chicken pot pie.

I'll see you later, okay?

Okay, okay, slow down.

Slow down one second.

All right, then you said
two thirds of a cup, two thirds?

Who are you on the phone with?

-Give me that phone.
-No one.

Give me the phone.

Monk? Is that you?

I'm hanging up now, and don't call back.

Benjy's got homework, lots of it.

Don't hang up.
Don't-- Benjy, call me back!

[man] He sounds certifiable.

Oh, it's the worst job I ever had.

Yeah? So why don't you quit?

Well, because it's
also the best job I ever had.

I'm having adventures.

I can't believe it.
I'm putting bad guys behind bars.

I feel like, um,

what is her name?

Uh, Superman's girlfriend?

Oh! Lois Lane.

-I'm Lois Lane.
-Yeah.

[chuckles] How many
practical nurses can say that?

-Not many. Not many.
-No.

[laughs]

You see, that looks so fine on you.

What, the dress?

The smile.

Oh. Thank you.

Five, six, seven, eight…

The investigation into last week's
attempted assassination…

-is apparently stalled.
-…ten…

We have some new footage of the event

that was taken
by a tourist who was at the scene.

I should warn you, though,
some of this is very graphic.

[gunshots and screaming]

To moderation in all things.

[man] Hmm?

Except love.

[man chuckles]

[Monk] Hey.

[gulps]

Monk, what are you doing here?

I was watching the news.

There was a videotape
of the St. Claire thing.

Something about it just does not add up.

Mr. Monk, I presume?

You must be Carl from the Health Club.

Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, why don't you join us?

No, he shouldn't.

You know, two's company, three's a crowd.

[chuckling] And Monk hates crowds.

Don't you?

I feel okay when you're around.

[Carl clears throat]

Boy, this is nice, isn't it?

I forgot, what were we talking about?

-England.
-Oh, my God, that's right.

Um, Carl said that,

uh, he was talking
about living in England.

He was a Rhodes Scholar.

-No kidding.
-Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, he graduated "Magnum Cum Laud-e."

Cum Laude.

Right. I know.

And now he has a, uh, private practice.

He's an entertainment lawyer.

Guess who he represents.

-Can I tell him?
-Yeah, sure.

Francis Ford Coppola.

-Oh. [mumbles]
-[Carl] Yeah, but it's-- it's no big deal.

A tabloid wrote something about him

that, you know,
he was drunk at the Oscars.

So now we're suing them for slander.

Big deal.

Uh-huh.

I-- I don't know what to do here, uh…

I'm-- I'm no good at this.

Okay, this man is lying to you.

He's not a lawyer.

[Carl] What?

Oxford doesn't have a Magna Cum Laude,

and you sue a newspaper
for libel, not slander.

But I'll just shut up.

Forget I said anything.

It-- it's no big deal, Carl.

Well, that looks…

What the hell is that?

What should I have done?
Just let him lie to you?

Yes, yes! It was the first date.

Taxi!

Everybody embellishes their resume.

It's called "human nature."

Do you think I told him about Benjy,

or about that summer
I spent dancing in Atlantic City?

No!

What kind of dancing?

I can't do this anymore.

-I quit.
-Not again.

No, no, I mean it this time.

I'm sending my sister over for my stuff.

Okay, well, you know
you're just gonna come back.

Don't tell me what I'm gonna do.

You think you know everything,

but, believe it or not,
you don't know me that well.

-All right, let's just go back inside.
-No. No.

It's too late.

[melancholic music playing]

Look… I have responsibilities now.

I got a kid.

And I think I have to find a normal job
before I go completely crazy.

Like me.

Like me?

Well…

I'll never forget you.

You never forget anything.

Valencia at 28th.

[melancholic music continues]

[faint sirens wailing]

[suspenseful music playing]

[suspenseful music continues]

[melancholic music playing]

[theme music playing]