Original subtitles

Crime.

Our city is plagued by it.

Most recently making headlines, is a series of kidnappings

that seem to be only targeting Brisbane's muscular citizens.

As more reports come pouring in,

it's becoming apparent that an organized criminal element is at work.

With no witnesses and no clues,

these "beefcake kidnappings" don't seem like they'll be slowing down anytime soon.

Media tabloids are throwing around words like: "Aesthetic Abductions” and "Hulk Hijackings”.

Call it what you will, one thing's for certain...

These are more than just a series of random, isolated incidents.

In Brisbane's time of need... Who we gonna call?

I'm approaching the back door to the house now, where are you?

Jangles! Dickens!

Dickens, Jangles where the fuck are you guys?

Check this out!

Oh yeah?

Yep, that's how we do it in the 'burbs mate,

none of this inner-city shit!

What?!

No! No! Yeah! No!

Stop that!

Ah, dog's dicks!

For Brisbane!

Oh, you fucking' rat bag!

Piss on your legs, look at that!

Both your shoes, both your shoes soaking' wet, fuck-wit!

(LAUGHTER)

What the fuck do you think you're doing on my wall there?!

This is not a fucking toilet

go and fucking' piss somewhere else!

Police business, pervert. Rack off!

- Back to pissing... - Yeah, got him!

You got piss all over you, didn't ya?

(On radio) Dickens!

(On radio) Jangles!

Like a disgusting baby boy!

Ah fuck this shit, I'm going in without you!

Gonzales, it's Dickens

Gonzales?

Mate, look, don't go in there, we're on our way!

His radio's off!

Ball-sacks!

Get the fuck out of the way!

Police business, dickhead!

Hey, gringos!

Do I fucking know you?

That's right. Where the fuck's the girl, man?

(LAUGHTER & GUN FIRE)

(LAUGHTER & GUN FIRE)

Eat this, you piece of shit coppa-dog!

You never touch the pants!

Where the fuck's the girl, man?

Huh?!

Where is she?!

I don't know what you're talking about, shit for brains.

Gonzales, what the fuck?

The girl's not here, man.

Oh look out, it's the bloody pigs!

Better make like a tree and get out of here.

Get stuffed, you bloody mole.

(Muffled) Help! Help!

Wrong bloody house mate, it's the one across the road!

Dickhead.

He he he, bloody pigs!

Oh, fuck!

Surprise!

Whoopsies!

Holy Pinata!

Holy ball sacks!

Take that, you pig haters!

I am a law!

Hey my man, what y'all shooting' at?

Pig hunting', you keen?

Oh fuck yeah!

You jive motherfuckers!

Eat shit! haha

Justice for all..

Except you.

Holy Pinata!

Show me your moves!

Right in the cunt!

Die pig.

No, dickhead.

Ah, fuck you!

And you!

Oi Dickens you dog shit, get over here!

Hold this

I'm gonna shoot this bloody pig.

Dickens! No!

Bit of hush fellas!

Shut up everyone!

Sirens..

Back up pork.

Let's get out of here.

Come on man!

Let's go boys! Get in there Wolf man.

Come on!

See you another day, pigs!

(Curses in Foreign)

Where's my dick?

Dickens! Your beautiful dick, what's happened? No!

We can put it back on... With science

You'll be a modern Miracle!

Come on! We'll give you a robo-dick!

No, Dickens!

Your beautiful dick! No!

El pee pee!

So, where do you want these "bad boys"?

Mmm, Just over there.

Yeah, all right.

Now... You might be wondering

"Why am I here?"

"What is this place?"

"Who are these men?"

But, hush now..

Hush now..

Questions coming later.

I apologise for my methods in bringing you here.

Please understand that you're not "Prisoners".

No!

You're my...

"delicious guests".

You simply...

Can't leave.

You have been carefully selected to be a part of something truly special.

Together,

we are going to break history!

Nobody move!

Anyone moves and I'll snap this fruitcake's fucking neck right off!

Don't just stand there! Do something!

Shut up, you British piece of shit!

I'm getting the fuck out of here!

Oh, thank you Dieter!

At least someone around here earns their keep.

What a waste...

As I was saying,

you'll all get to stay here, in my fabulous mansion.

You can swim, frolic,

we will feed you.

You can use our exercise equipment.

All you have to do,

is let our Doctor run some simple little tests on you.

That's it.

Simple, no?

wunderbar!

Now, go inside and meet your other new "brawny buddies”

in your living quarters.

Just down there.

Now,

Somebody clean THAT up.

Chief wants to talk to you two.

Ah, yeah?

- Is that those two wankers out there now?

Yes sir, it's Jangles & Gonzales.

- Get into my fucking office, now!

Yeah, all right.

I'll make coffee, how do you take it?

I like my coffee like I like my women..

Somebody else's!

You fucking idiots!

All you had to do, was wait for back up! But no!

You had to bash in there, swinging your cocks around

like a "gaggle of dickheads"!

Chief, let me explain-

Put a bloody taco in it, Gonzales!

You're on desk duty for 2 fucking weeks

For killing civilians, again!

How the fuck am I supposed to feed my kids, man?

Screw your kids!

Rack off out of my office, you prick!

Kids are for dickheads!

Jangles...

I know you're hurting over Dickens' death...

That's why I've got to take you off the case.

Dinosaur dicks, Chief!

Those derro's killed Dickens!

I know... I know...

If this was back in the good old days

I would have helped you put a bullet up their ass myself.

I used to be like you:

Young, reckless.

Always thinking with my dick.

That was a long time ago, times have changed.

There's rules now.

There's even women in the work place!

I just don't know anything anymore.

And that's why, I've got to give the case to Rimmer & Jurgen son.

These two "bee's dicks"?

They couldn't find a dick in a dick stack.

Fuck off you "Whoopsies".

Listen Jangles..

You'd better stay away from this case, or it's your ass!

You or Gonzales would probably just fuck the witness...

Again!

Yes..

I want you to meet your new partner, Jangles.

Is it Deano Spaghetti?

No, it's not fucking Deano Spaghetti!

Can it be?!

Tag me in, boss!

I'm spaghet- I'm ready!

Can it, Spaghetti.

Love ya, Deano!

He's the new transfer from Kalgoorlie.

The toughest division in Australia.

Chief, we'd be the perfect partners.

He loves spaghetti.. I love duzzas!

Apples and oranges, together for the first time.

Holy shit, where'd you come from?!

This is James Wheeler, your new partner.

Call me "Wheels".

No.

Listen Chief, he's just a kid

I bet he doesn't even have any pubes!

...I have pubes...

I don't care if he's got any fucking pubes

as long as he's got some balls!

Now, you two, shake hands!

Stop your bloody whinging, Jangles.

You said the same shit

when Gonzales was transferred here.

Nope!

- Jangles, Dickens! Get in my office!

Eat a dick!

- Now!

Yeah, righto.

Uh, sorry, what's your name again?

(Long foreign name)

Uh.. Yeah, we'll call you "Gonzales".

Jangles, meet Gonzales.

This beautiful bearded lady?

I bet she doesn't even have any pubes!

It's a jungle down there, man!

Nice!

Jangles,

he may look like a bit of a poofter, but he's one of us now!

So just shake his hand and say hello, for Christ's sake!

Yeah, righto mate.

Now, I want you to take him around, and show him the ropes.

All right, come on dickhead.

Toupee wearing cunt!

- Well, well, well.

Looks like "Super cop” has a new boyfriend, huh?!

Rack off, Rimmer!

I heard you fuck like a girl.

Yeah? That's not what your mum said last night!

What do you mean?

He's just upset we took his case...

You should see the witness you fuck-wits almost got killed!

She's so fine!

Can't wait to interrogate her...

Vagina!

Oh yeah!

...The fuck you doing?

Oh fuck, there she is now!

Fuuuuuck... I'd tongue punch her fart box!

Dick Punch!

- My goo lies...

Show yourself around the city, squirt.

I'm going to find out what that lovely lady knows.

Hey, dickhead!

Look...

I know you're pissed,

But I'm not some bloody "tit sucking rookie".

Yeah, righto Wheels. Let's do this.

Gee whiz, she's a looker!

Yes, she's like a beautiful Pademelon.

I bet she's got all sorts of delicious secrets in that head of hers.

Move it! Justice calls!

Hello, love.

I'm Professor Jangles.

You're gonna tell me everything you know.

Starting from the, um..

Start.

GO!

Those men...

They were trying to kill me.

There were so many of them..

They had guns...

- They had me tied to a- - Shhh...

Listen, Lady.

I don't want your life story, just tell me where they went.

...I don't know where they went..

You are the worst witness ever!

Look.

I found out what they were up to.

You've gotta stop them... - What the fuck are you doing' in here?

Rack off, Rimmer!

You want me to get the fucking' chief?

This is our case now

"Dangles!"

Righto!

Here you go, Love.

- Fuck you, Jangles!

Surprise, motherfucker!

Nice car.

Yours?

Is now!

I took the keys from the police pantry.

Police pantry?

Yeah, you know that sweet place where they keep all the guns and drugs and...

car keys, and bloody knives and..

Pictures of dead ladies?

(Evidence Room)

We're going to see my informant.

Anything happens in Brisbane, he knows about it.

Maybe we shouldn't...

Shut up!

What, are you scared of the old bald cunt?

I'm not some nerd that's gonna suck the Chief's dick, all right?

I know what it feels like, |I...

I lost a partner too.

Barry!

Look out!

It's coming' right for ya!

Wheels!

Oi!

Oh... Oh, shit!

Oh... Oh, God, it's inside me!

Oi!

Forget it! Just put some music on or something.

Yeah, righto.

Agh, gross, what the fuck is this?

Luckily...

Hoh! Fucking' "Winged Scorpion!"

In case of emergencies, which is pretty much always.

Here we go.

Aw yeah.

What the bloody hell do you want?

What do you think we want? Hot dogs!

Nah, I'm kidding. Answers.

Al right, well bloody come inside before someone fucking' see's ya.

All right, now bloody keep it down..

Dad's trying to sleep,

doesn't like to be woken.

Poor sleepy Dad.

So,

Bloody taking' preschoolers out on patrols now, Jangles?

It's Wheels.

I'm his new partner.

Hoh, Wheels?

Thought you were gonna call him bloody "Rollerblades” ey?

Ha! Rollerblades!

I don't get it...

Yeah... geez...

So... I suppose you're bloody here about Dickens.

Sorry to hear about that, he was a good man.

He was the best man! What do you know?

There's not much I don't bloody know, why else would you bloody be here?

Who did it?

I dunno, I'm not a bloody "Psychiatrist”

But, if you give me some bloody details, I could help you out.

Well I didn't get a good look at most of them, but..

One of them, he had like a tight black shirt and tattoos, and a beautiful black mullet like a Greek Adonis.

He kept yelling about "pigs"?

- "Bloody pigs"? - "Bloody pigs", exactly!

Sounds like this bloody gollywog character back in pent-ridge...

Andy Pigolopolous!

Also known as: "Anti-Pig".

Aw, he wanted to be in my crew, but I wouldn't let him in on account he's a fucking' piss weak bloody piece of fluff.

This "Anti" wanker had some goons with him.

Who's he working' for?

I heard

That there's some German bloody mincing woofter out there trying to hire every single top crime in Brisbane.

What's all the bloody noise?

Who are these fairies?

Oh nah Dad, you're asleep.

I'm awake now, aren't I ?

You better not be up to some more mischief Mark to get yourself bloody locked up again.

Nah, nah, Dad these are some nice bloody Policemen.

I'm helping' out with their investigation, with my bloody fanciful knowledge and stories.

What's that you got there?

It's me "Stone" video, and I can't get the bloody video machine to work.

Al right, well you go back in there

and I'll help you sort out the video machine in a bloody minute, all right?

Well, come on I wanna watch it now!

- Nah, I'll be out there in a minute. - Come on! Come on!

I'll be out there in a minute Dad!

Don't you "dad” me boy, I'm your Father!

Do you know where to find him?

Well...

back in bloody "H-Division",

he would always talk about one of two things:

"Bloody Pig" this, and "Bloody Pig" that.

And, every time he would kill a policeman...

Allegedly...

He would always go celebrate by going to buy a Grape bloody soda.

There's only one place in this city that serves grape!

Greg's Great Grapes! Let's fucking' roll!

Do you think he'll show?

What!?

Do you think he'll show?

Who?

Anti-Pig!

A "serial grapist” like him couldn't resist a good grape, let alone a fucking' great one!

Look at that beautiful mullet over there.

- Come on, just give me a sip! One sip! - Mmm, grape's my favourite.

Wait a minute...

That's him!

- Aw, come on man! - Too bad.

Wait...

Something's not right.

- Pigs! - Let's get out of here!

Let's roll!

Yep, righto!

Get fucked!

Cop it, copper!

Yeah, shoot those pigs, Hans!

Fucking' gun it, pussy!

He went that way!

Fuck, I dunno!

Surprise, motherfucker!

Jesus Christ!

Oh Fuck, that's hectic!

- Oh fuck, pigs! - Oh fuck!

You go this way! I'll go this way!

Hurry up, ya lazy prick!

Agh, don't touch me! Agh, what are you doing?!

You fucking' pig!

Justice!

Freeze, dickhead!

Fuck... You!

Fucks sake!

Down on the ground!

Die, pig!

Hey, pig!

I give up.

Yeah?

Not!

"Die pig"

You bloody pig!

You dick shooting' shit-head!

All right, yep, you wanna fight like some men?

Let's fucking' do it!

Fucking' hell!

You right, mate?

If you kill me, you'll never find out where the treasure is.

Treasure?!

What treasure?

The family jewels!

My goo lies!

Right in the plums!

See you another day, pig!

Treasure!

Treasure...

Moijitos anybody? Got plenty of fucking' mojitos here.

- Your drink, Baron.

Thank you, beefcake.

Baron!

Baron... pigs... cunts... bloody...

Calm down mein Anti-Pig, what's happen?

There was, a bloody shoot-out with the pigs...

Hans got arrested...

It was that uh, that bloody pig that's always on the tele,

Lieutenant Jangles.

It's OK Anti-Pig. We'll deal with it.

What if they come around here snooping?

If this mister "Jingles” comes knocking at our door,

he is going to get it.

Now, come, sit! Relax!

Taking the swim why don't you?

Yeah, um...

Probably just gonna do weights ey...

wunderbar! We'll come watch!

Probably not..

I got something to do so...

better go do that thing. Ooh, sorry mate.

Didn't see you there.

Too many biceps for the morning!

Well, you know the old saying:

You can't catch herpes twice.

And in local news, cowboy detective Lieutenant Jangles

is making headlines again for his reckless behaviour.

This is just the latest, in a long career of questionable police work

ever since his rise to ranks a few years ago.

While pursuing dangerous criminals in an intense high speed chase,

he's left several bystanders wounded..

Causing thousands of dollars worth of property damage in the process.

Dick Gaiman is on the scene. Dick?

Yeah, thanks Marion.

Dick Gaiman, reporting live outside the local police station

waiting for Lieutenant Jangles to show his face,

after once again disgracing himself, and the badge.

After causing thousands of dollars of property damage and destruction earlier today.

- Hey, wasn't that him? - Yeah, it was! Come on, follow!

Lieutenant Jangles!

Jangles! Care to comment about the destruction you caused today?

Fuck off, police business!

You sure you don't have anything to comment about todays destruction?

Oh, it was great! There was justice everywhere, people were pop pin" wheelies

something blew up, we arrested a dude, it was fucking' awesome.

The word is that the Chief is going to be suspending you this time for your antics.

What? No fuck him!

Who made him the king of justice?!

- Lieutenant Jangles, would you like to comment? - I got pee all over myself!

No! Fuck off!

That was solid, Dick. We can always count on you to bring us the hard facts...

That is not what happened... - Jesus Christ!

We were going much faster than that.

You've done it now, Jangles!

What did I tell you?

Stay. The fuck. Away from this case!

But no...

As usual, your cock, and your balls

take over your brain,

and you piss all over it!

Look, mate. We got the guy..

I didn't shoot him like I usually do, so,

Job well done!

Your job was to show Wheels around!

Not to fuck with the case!

We got a fucking' guy.

We had nothing on the "fucking' guy"!

Rimmer & Jurgen son had to fucking' let him go!

What?! Those dumb cunts!

He would have lead us to the rest of them!

You're on fucking' thin ice, Jangles!

And I'm skating, dickhead!

Tosser!

Chief...

I expected more from you, Wheels.

I put you two together, thinking it'd be a good idea.. But no!

You're just both as fucked as each other!

It's like the badge doesn't mean buckskin' anything to you kids.

Eat badge, pervert!

Should we go after him...

Nah, don't worry about it he does this all the time..

Hey, wait a minute! You're on fucking' desk duty with Gonzales!

Now, rack off you little jizz rag!

- Jangles.

- What are you doing?

Holy shit!

Mate, I'm out of here.

Gonna go "lone wolf" it for a while.

You can't be my cub anymore.

Maybe I'll go somewhere foreign.

Like Mexico,

Where you're from!

I'm not Mexican..

I'm Scottish!

You almost made me laugh, mate..

But not this time.

Well, take care of yourself my friend.

No.

Looks like "Sergeant dickhead" strikes again, eh?

Keep up the bad word shit lips you're making us look good!

Wait..

We're all good friends! Nothing can go wrong!

Nothing!

Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!

Run, ya pervert! Run!

I said run!

I can pee higher than you.

No you can't!

Oh yes I can!

Goodnight, sweet prince.

Love ya, Dicks.

O, so I says to him: "I'm not telling” you nothin' pig!”

"Go fucking' sizzle!"

Oi! And then his missus walked in

- and I had her right there through the bars, just fucking'... - No, way!

What? Having' sex?

I wanna have sex one day!

Hans, mein boy!

I heard you had a run in with the piggies, hmm?

Yeah, they had to let me go though. I didn't tell them nothin', I swear.

Oh, I know you didn't Hans. It's OK.

Come here, relax. - OK...

Take a loads off.

So, you're not mad or anything?

Mad? No! No!

You did the right thing mein boy.

After all, this is just business.

But you know the thing about business, Hans...

You're only as strong as your weakest link.

And you..

Are the weak link!

I didn't tell them anything mate, I swear!

You fucking shit.

You could have lead them right to us!

They could have ruined everything.

Oh, man!

- Holy shit! - Shit, what happened?...

He just fucking' shot him!

Bitch.

That was pretty sick, but!

Yeah.. Yeah, really sick.

Really sick..

- Not having sex now, is he?

So, um...

What are we gonna do about these bloody pigs?

Dieter.

Ja, mein Baron?

Find out everything you can about our Mister "Jingles”.

(Thunder storm)

(evil laughter)

Oi, mole..

Don't ever call me..

You are the worst witness ever..

Ever..

Ever..

Ever..

"Me"

Get a grip, woman.

He's just a boy.

He's just a boy..

Just a really manly boy...

Okay. Okay!

Okay. Okay.

Hello? I thought I told you not to call me!

Remember when I was a ghost, and I was in your bin?

Do not leave a message, all right?

It's gonna beep in a second, so just hang up before that, OK?!

Yes?

Oh, hi! Sorry to bother you, mister, umm...

...Foreign Man.

I was just looking for Jangles, he doesn't seem to be answering his...

Yes I think he's dead or something.

It's very sad.

But, I'm alive.

You should come over.

And we can help each other through these tough times.

You're still there, aren't you?

Hello?

Hi!

I was just looking for Jangles...

He's gone missing, no one knows where he is.

Who's this?

I actually have some new information about the case.

But I can only tell it to Jangles, so where is he?...

What is it? What's the new information? Please you have to tell me!

Yeah..

- But I was just.. - Please! We can meet up!

- But I was just looking for jang...les - Where do you live?

Please!

We have to bring this guy down!

Hello? Hello?

I've had the boys searching the high and low mein Baron...

But nobody has any idea where our Mister Jangles is..

Our sources tell us he has quit the policing and has...

Disappeared.

We'll lure him out.

To catch a piggy, all you have to do is leave some bait.

And what do piggies love more than anything, Dieter?

Poop?

Exactly!

We will leave a nice big trail of shit for him.

And he will come to us.

OK, let's go.

I look down and see a lot of new faces here...

Welcome!

Those of you who already work for me, might notice that Hans, is no longer among you.

I'm afraid to say that, Hans has suffered an unfortunate case of...

Death.

Let that be a lesson to the lot of you!

Nobody will get in the way of what I am trying to accomplish!

Together, we will take over this country.

Starting with Brisbane!

But, there is a thorn in our side...

A meddlesome little piggy, that I'm sure, some of you are familiar with.

Lieutenant Jingles?

We need to send a message... That anyone who tries to get in our way

will be crushed! Like a soda can between the flexing bicep!

We need to make an example of this little pork chop.

But, apparently, he's playing the little game of hide and seeks.

I want YOU to flush him out.

Do, what you do best.

Turn this town inside out.

I want Jangles' precious Brisbane, to become a hell-hole

of violence and chaos!

I want to see destruction so bad

that it gives Satan a stiffy!

I want to bathe my smooth naked body

in the blood and tears of your victims!

I want to stroke myself to the sight of all the mayhem

that you unleash..

Until I spunk in the face, of every Man, Woman and Child!

Now...

This city is your bitch.

Fuck her how you please.

Police switchboards are being flooded with phone calls.

The crimes, outnumbering the Police able to respond.

It seems, that with Brisbane's problem cop off the job,

things are now worse than ever.

Was he really the one keeping crime on a leash?

We now go live to Dick Gaiman, who is on the streets, in the heart of the storm.

Thank you, Marion.

Good evening Brisbane, Dick Gaiman reporting.

As you can see the city is in a state of peril.

We are several days into this crisis, and there is no sign of an end in sight.

Looting and property destruction, aren't even amongst the worst of what's happening out here.

There are several reports of murders, and not just among civilians, Marion.

We have received word that Police are amongst the dead and wounded.

- Who would have thought that all along Lieutenant Jangles was actually policing the- - Oi! Fairy bread!

We've got actual street thugs here Marion, we're going to get an interview!

Excuse me, gentlemen. Why?

Why are you doing this to our beloved city?

Let's talk about this please! Please, I'm a reasonable Person-

Where do you think you're going', Princess?

Stiff luck there, Dick. Let's hope he's OK.

As the city burns, only one question is on everyone's lips.

When we actually need him, where is Lieutenant Jangles?

Do you want to know why they call my penis

"El Pepe de la MUERTE"?

Why, Gonzales?

Because it murders pussy.

You should come over for ice cream some time.

What flavours do you have?

- Why won't you fucking work?!

- Paper blockage?! What the fuck is a paper blockage?!

Bye.

- You little bitch! - Ehhhhh little buuudy. What's all the commotions?

I can't get these bloody computing machines to work!

And they say these things are the future..

They're just a phase man.

Like condoms.

God, I hope so.

Remember the '70's? Things were so much simpler..

Then..

Fuck this! I need to go clear my head.

Ride like a steed, little man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, righto.

I understand perfectly Mr. Wheeler.

Yeah, I know the place.

Well, this shouldn't take too long anyway.

Sorry about that mate, having' a bit of a bloody chin wag,

and I've got guests over!

Aw, are you all right mate? You all right?

Now, are you ready to spill your bloody guts to me, or not?

Aw, sorry.. Sorry mate.

I had a bit of bloody "go-ey”...

Well, you technically haven't asked me anything so...

Looks like we've got a bit of a bloody bad boy over here.

And we know how to deal with bad boys...

All right, let's find out which little piggy went to market..

And which little piggy, should have done as he is bloody told!

Hey, Mark. How do you rewind this video tape again?

Dad?! I'm bloody busy all right?! I'm bloody busy..

Nice shirt, son.

What's wrong with it?

Nothing, where did you get it? "Fairies R us"?

That's funny is it?! Ey?! Oh that's bloody funny!

That's fucking' hysterical. All right, Well how's this for bloody funny, huh? Ready?! Here we go!

Well, there you go mate. As bloody promised.

I got all I could, and uh, yeah, should be enough to get you started.

How'd you get all this?

Ah you know mate, I got my, uh, got my bloody ways.

What? I'm a bloody criminal, what do you want from me?

You asked, and I delivered.

Speaking of which, I do believe there was a bloody payment involved...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

There ya go.

Oh, ta!

Ah. Bloody mothers milk, that!

Anyway, I uh, I got a friend back home and it'd be a bloody crime to keep him waiting.

Well, fucking', see ya later mate! Bloody...See ya later.

Hey, Gonzales!

Gonzales!

What's up, my main man?

I've been doing some investigating and found dick loads of information.

Where's Jangles?

No one knows where he is.

He did say something about... Mexico.

Mexico?!

We'll go for the looking of Jangles in the morning.

But right now...

I have some business to attend to. - Gonzales!

- What are you doing? - Yeah, come back to bed, papi...

We're going to start without you...

Oh, you lucky bastard!

Come on in man. It's a party!

Yeah, all right.

- Your, uh, junk still work? - Does it even matter?

Ha ha, I like you already my friend.

What are you planning on doing to me?

Don't you worry about a thing, my friend.

The tests are finalized. The experiment was a complete success.

I knew it would work. I fucking told you, Dieter!

My creation has finally come to fruition. The perfect specimen.

I must go and telling the Baron!

Beefcake Serum

♪ Desperado, his name was Dickens ♪

♪ he got shot in the dick &

♪ and it flew off, in the street...♪

I love you...

I love her.

You do?

- She's not your daughter is she? - No, she's my cousin.

Excellent.

Look at those giant fridges..

I bet you could fit a lot of meat in those things.

That is true.

I'm always true..

- Drink up. Drink up. - True to myself.

True to my friends.

- Justice for all!

And for all a goodnight.

- I like you. - I like YOU.

- I'm a good man. - Yes, you're a good man.

The best!

Dickens was the best.. Now I'm number one! Number one favourite!

Yes, you are my favourite.

- You know what I love? - What do you love?

Attached dicks!

When they're still on a man... And not on the ground..

Bleeding...

- Drink up, sir. - I love you.

- Thanks mate. - Cheers!

To dicks!

More coke!

More duzzas!

Yes!

Where am I?

I hate you!

Justice.

Got any duzzas?

Justice Brisbane!

It is hot as dicks in here.

- Jangles! Jangles! Jangles! - Jangles! Jangles!

Fuck you!

You're my best friend random bartender man.

That is deep mate, that is bloody deep.

Deep as a dick.

♪ Western Brisbane... Woodridge mama...♪

Eh, Jangles, you gringo.

♪ Take me home... Down Logan Road...♪

Look at you man, Jesus!

Rack off, Zorro!

This is my new best friend, "Beautiful bartender man".

Meet: "crippled Dickens" and "foreign Jangles"!

How'd you find me in Mexico?

It's a Mexican restaurant man, I can see your house from here.

You know nothing of Mexico.

They're a beautiful people. Simple. They know the ways of love and..

Ancient grains.

Wheels found you.

Turns out the kid's got one hell of a nose.

Lose one sense, your others get stronger.

By losing the sense of walking, my other senses became superhuman.

Listen man, Wheels found muchos informations about the guys who killed Dickens.

We're gonna crush them like a cock a roaches.

You coming?

You had me at cock, mate. You had me at cock.

Here we go.

Take me in your strong arms, wheelie boy.

Ey, you didn't pay your bill!

Sorry love, don't speak Mexican. All right boys, Vamonos!

(Curses in foreign)

Come on, we gotta get you in the best shape of your life.

Piss weak

Yeah, righto

Mad cunt

Good one pig!

Thank you, thank you for coming back.

The man, the mystery, the myth, he is back ladies and gentlemen-

The tests are complete. Your specimen is ready, mein Baron.

It's beautiful!

I'll hammer your fucking' brains in you pervert!

Oh, hello.

Yes, mate?

- You said "if I ever needed anything"... - When??

I...

I don't want to be alone tonight.

We're all alone in this cruel world, love.

Get in here.

- Oh, thank you. - ..Yes..

What's wrong?

I don't know what is who anymore.

If I'm not a cop, where am I?

Maybe I am just a..

..."Bloody pig"..

...Bloody pig.. ...Bloody pig..

It's OK.

Uhh.. Kissing's for Europeans.

What do I look like, a Frenchman?

Yes.

Wait.. wait.. Wait for it...

And... Yep, I've got a stiffy, let's go.

There we go...

We don't want you to burn now, do we?

mein Baron!

I must speak with you.

It's "Uber urgent”.

Thank you, Dieter.

Excuse me for a moment.

That's all the information I could uncover about our..

...Mister Jingles.

Very good work, Dieter.

Oh, this is excellent!

I'm afraid..

...He's come back, mein Baron.

Jingles is back!

He's been training.

And getting in the best shapes of his life!

He is in the good shapes, isn't he?

He, uh...

has also been killing

most of our men.

This has gone on long enough!

It's time to exterminate this bacon ball once and for good!

I want Jangles' fucking head in my lap!

By sundown!

- That was amazing! - Holy shit, where'd you come from?!

I'm covered in cum!

- Aye man, get to the secret meeting place.

- It's going down today.

Fuck! Yes!

Where are you going?

Didn't you hear my secret phone call?

I gotta go to work.

You're going after those men, aren't you?

Please don't go, it's too dangerous.

I took these photos a few days ago.

He's got a sweet mansion in Hawthorne.

That's the rich part of Brisbane, right?

That's right, Gonzales.

But what caught my attention, was the recent purchase

of an abandoned railway yard in Ipswich.

That's the bad part of Brisbane!

That's also right, Gonzales.

It's heavily guarded.

So, the only point of entry, is to storm the back, here.

Who's the beauty boy in the bathrobe?

He calls himself "The Baron".

Real name "Adolf Von Schmidt".

He's wanted in Europe and America for all sorts of fucked up crimes.

Like what?

Kidnapping.

Terrorism.

And sex trafficking exotic animals.

(Curses in foreign)

Oh yeah, gross.

You don't fuck the animals, man!

Security works in shifts

and the best time to strike is just before dawn.

Right, OK..

And... Who's this cunt?

...What are we doing'?

- Time to die, pig! - Yeah, that's time!

He's not here.

Yeah, that's all right, we'll leave him a bloody little present, won't we?

- Yeah, man!

How many times have I told you? Don't bloody touch me!

Get fucked.

Yeah, get fucked.

Hello? Pig hot line.

Pig speaking.

Fuck!

- Now to leave that present I was talking about earlier.

Magic..

Rad poop.

Oh hey, let's also leave this bomb here as well.

Yeah... If you want...

This is gonna be a blast!

Now I need to make craps too..

Oh man, I gotta make such a big poo-

Well, well, well, look who it is.

- What?

Yeah.

Don't you know pig dick's bad for your health, Love?

- Let's get her. - Yeah, let's get her.

Oi, Pig!

Oh, dicks!

No! My Posters! My beautiful posters!

How much time have we got?

25 minutes.

Perfect.

Hello?

I've got something I need to get out.

I've been holding it in a long time.

Who the fuck is this?!

If I find out who the fuck this is, I'll jam this phone, right up your a-

Dickhead...

- Hey!

- Who said you could use the phone?!

Dirty little rule breaker.

Wait, wait, What the fuck are these two girls dicks doing here?!

I called them.

We need all the help we can get, man.

Yeah, look Jangles. I know we don't get along.

But if they attack one of us, they attack all of us.

We're here to help you, mate.

All right, we'll be best friends, but you've got to promise not to betray us!

As long as you promise not to hurt us anymore.

No! I don't make promises, honestly,

I was just about to punch you in the dick, so shut your mouth!

All right, everyone, best friends? Let's go.

♪ Heart breaker... Law maker...♪

Look, Wheels, I'm a teen heart throb!

Wheels, look!

Gross!

OK, ladies.

Let's split up!

Wait!

Something's not right.

It's too quiet.

- Is it though?

It is almost as if...

- ...They're expecting us... - Who?

Well, well, well. If it isn't the "super piggies".

Oh, shit, it's a trap!

Well, it's not the fucking "welcoming committee”.

Probably.

Get them!

Where's Rimmer & Jurgen son?

I dunno, just keep shooting' cunts!

All right, now it's on!

Come here, dickhead!

Hammer time!

You're fucked now, pig!

No fucking' way!

My fucking' guts, man!

Ah, fuck!

No, what have you done? No!

Fucking' mongrel!

There you fucking' are!

- Oh shit, he's coming. - Let's get out of here!

- You go, I'll save you.

- Good man. - Go on! Get out of here!

- You, ya cunt! - Yeah?

- Out of my way you blonde wanker! - No way!

Yeah, see that?

Ah, dicks!

Ah, ball sacks!

Let's dance, pig.

It's the '80's mate, dancing's illegal.

Haven't you seen Footloose?

Or Dirty Dancing?

Or the other one... uh...

Roadhouse!

Fuck, I'm good.

Ah, yes!

Ah, dicks!

Motherfucker!

My pants...

My favourite pants!

You're fucking' crazy, mate..

Those were $3,000 pants, man!

Well, if it isn't my favourite pig.

Ah, what the fuck man? My beautiful brain!

Are, you cunts working' for him?

Well, he pays better than the city does.

Yeah, that's right, we've been working' for him all along.

Sorry to disappoint you, Wangles!

You've got a lot to learn about best friendship, I'll tell you that.

Ergh, fuck!

That's for wrecking' my Honda.

That's for killing my mates!

What mates?

And that's for Jimmy Barnes.

Ugh, what?!

Get ready to swallow my gun cum, you bloody pig.

Jangles don't swallow, dickhead.

Eh, buckskin'.. Down ya go!

Ah, fuck, get him off me!

Help! I think he's got a stiffy!

That was gross!

You right mate?

Yeah, yeah, I think so... You got a duzza?

Nah, just, one for myself, ya know.

You are a shit friend.

Oh yeah, better than the bloody other ones you got.

- Slightly! - What about your fucking' other friends?!

Oh, fuck.

What?

Oh, ball sacks!

Jangles! Watch out!

No! Wheels! Mate!

Knife time!

Wheels, are you all right?

Where are you hit?

- I was hit in the leg. - Is your dick OK?!

I was hit in the leg!

I can't go through this again!

I was hit in the leg..

I don't think I'll ever walk again!

You would've done the same for me.

Yeah... Probably.

I need an ambulance!

You need a coffin!

I hate to break up the sausage fest,

but the fruity fucker's getting away.

Oh yeah.

Jangles, by the way,

we have your woman.

Who is she?!

You son of a bitch!

Oh yeah, her.

I gave sex to her.

It was fine.

I have one more surprise for you little piggies.

I have created

the most ultimate specimen.

The first, of an army of perfect men.

Composed of the DNA from the most fittest beefcakes,

using the power of science and computers!

90 kg of solid muscle!

2% body fat.

100% man.

Try your luck, with the ultimate BEEFCAKE!

Holy Pinata!

Yes...

Yeah, righto.

Yes!

Dick punch!

Ah, fuck! What the hell?!

Woah, boy!

Gonzales, go get those tubes!

- Jangles, get that rope! - Righto!

Rope!

Eat science, pendejo!

No! My beefcake!

Right, your turn!

Not so fast, little piggy!

Now you have a choice:

You can get me, or save the girl!

Once this timer goes off

she'll be zapped with a thousand volts of electricity!

Yes!

Yep, righto.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Later, love! Oi, get back here!

Shit!

He's coming behind us!

Freeze, fuckheads!

You fucking swine, why couldn't you just leave us alone?! Hmm?!

Ja, you homophobic asshole!

...But we're not gay, Dieter...

We're not?

Time to die. A dick for a dick.

You fucking cunt faced piece of shit!

I'll see you in hell!

Not if I see you first!

What are you going to do, huh? Shoot me?

You are a man of the law.

You arrest me, my lawyers will have me out by morning.

A dick for a dick.

Take that!

Oi! Where the fuck do you think you're going?!

I surrender!

Fuck oath you do!

Justice!

You know what would've been funny?

You should've said "eat a dick", man.

Fuck!

(gasp) A poster!

Treasure... I knew that little prick had treasure!

(giggles) Yes!

Well mate, better bloody get out of here before your cop friends show up.

Yeah, thanks for blasting those two dickheads.

No worries, mate.

Well, see ya.

- Take care, Cruz! - You too, Mark!

Good man.

The best!

What the fuck has happened here?!

Jangles, you've fucking gone and done it this time!

I do it every time Chief, I'm the best!

Chief, it wasn't Jangles' fault.

Rimmer & Jurgen son were working for that German prick.

Is that right Jangles?

Ah, yeah, probably.

You've got no respect for authority.

You cause the tax payers thousands of dollars damage on a daily basis!

You're a reckless, arrogant, son of a fucking bitch!

But I'll be goddamned if you're not the best cop I've ever seen.

Here kid.

You're gonna be needing this.

Stop standing around sucking each other's cocks,

and get to work!

What the fuck is wrong with you bloody people?

Oh shit!

What about the girl?

Oh yeah, you right mate?

Quit farting' around back there woman.

I haven't got all day!

- Oi, ya piss weak cunt...

Mate, mate, mate...

Then I ripped his dick off

shoved it in his mouth

and I said: "eat a dick, cunt!"

It was the best!

Everybody laughed!

Didn't ya?!

Bloody pigs!