Original subtitles

Come on. Hurry up!

Let's get it on.

MORE! MORE! MORE!

Stop!

Stop it, Master!

Hard gattling!

AMAZING SEXY MOVE HARD GATTLING!

Oh, master!

Hey!

BIG BIRD IN FULL HEALTH IN THE MORNING

- Hey, miss beautiful. - Boss! Your woman's here!

- Drink with us, miss! - One bottle! Come on!

- So gross! - Come on! Be nice!

- Hang with us! - Don't touch me!

- You were just here all this time?! - You're making my ears bleed, Ma!

- Come on home! - Let's play, dudes!

Show some respect! Rude boy!

Shut up, Ma!

- You're ruining my day again! - Didn't I tell you to...

- Hey, caveman! - Goddamn you!

- Tiny dicks! - Caveman!

- Pay me back! - Back off!

- Pay me back! - Enough, dorks!

- Let him suck you off already! - Fool!

Cutie!

I've got chicks, cutie! You want chicks, cutie?

Cutie… Oops! Cutie! Chicks!

Chicks galore in Thailand!

Some of them look like elephants, though. Elephant chicks.

You want? Thailand?

Go on! Look! Big boobs!

Told you.

How about you, cutie?

This is exactly why our country's the way it is!

This should have been so easy, but you had to make me line up.

How else could I attend to my other businesses

if I'm stuck here all day?

Ma'am, we're really sorry,

but we're really trying our best.

Apologies.

And you have the nerve to answer back?

- What's your name again? - Ma'am…

Luis. Luis Carpio, ma'am.

Well, Luis Carpio, do your job well!

- Don't you know who I am? - Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

I'm so sorry for his attitude.

Sorry, ma'am. It won't happen again.

You could have been more polite!

Uh, Mrs. Martinez?

I didn't recognize you! Did you lose weight?

- Nah. I just do aerobics! - Oh! I knew it!

I thought it was someone else from afar.

What's your concern? Let me take care of it.

- I just wanted to withdraw. - You wanted to withdraw…

You're so thin!

Looks good on you! Keep it up!

I've got this. How much are you withdrawing?

- 2,500. - Come on.

Speed Bonanza!

Speed Bonanza?

This is free! Free internet!

You get speed! You get bonanza, too!

Wow! Speed Bonanza internet card…

Speed Bonanz…

Hi. Sup, man?

- Is this Julio? - It is July!

I thought you migrated to the States for good?

- How are you, bro? - It's Alexio and Bernardo.

- Sup? - It's the weekend.

So, of course, we're drinking!

You? Sup with that?

- Still working! - We own this! Speed Bonanza!

That's why I'm giving it away!

Dork! I know who owns Speed Bonanza!

Ain't you, man. Poser!

- Poser? - Poser!

Poser?

- Me? A poser? - Poser!

- Poser! - Okay, okay! You want a card?

Choke on these! Stuff your face!

Josh… Josh!

On the bed!

- The hell are you doing there? - Huh?

- I thought I was... - Get out of there!

Josh!

Daddy…

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…

Macky!

- My Daddy! My Daddy! - Get dressed!

Macky, son! Are you there?

- Hold on. - Macky!

Put your clothes on!

I hear someone in there with you!

Oh wait, I have a key!

- Hold on. - Are you decent?

Sgt. Dad!

What brings you here?

Just checking on my favorite son.

Who's this?

Dad… Josh.

- My cousin. - Cousin?

- With whom? - Ill… legitimate?

- Honestly. Josh, right? - Yes, sir.

What are you doing with my son?

Macky's my boyfriend, sir.

- Hey! What boyfriend? - Why?

I just met you a while ago!

All we did was kiss. Now we're a couple?

You kissed?!

Dad!

Get out before my dad kills you!

Hey. Call me…

I'm not shooting him,

I'm shooting you!

Dad!

You damn metrosexuals!

Daddy! Daddy!

CAN WE DRINK AT YOURS INSTEAD, JULY?

DADDY'S GOING BATSHIT IN MY APARTMENT

GAME! CALL ME WHEN YOU'RE NEAR NEED TO CLEAN UP

SCORE SOME ICE, CARPS

Oh shit, I forgot.

Cathy, will you marry me?

Nah.

Cathy…

Will you marry me?

Cathy.

Will you marry me?

- Cathy. - Luis.

Ma'am!

I'm so sorry.

I had to step in earlier.

I think you know

Mrs. Martinez is a very, very important client.

No worries, madam!

Sorry, too.

You dork! Don't call me "madam:!

Call me by my name.

Working hours are over.

Sorry, Madam Tanya.

Just Tanya. Say it. Again. Tanya.

- Tanya. Ms. Tanya. - Good boy.

You know what, Luis?

Knowing how good you are,

you can be promoted immediately.

Imagine a higher salary,

more leave,

a better desk.

Just say the word

and I can boss you up around anytime.

Madam Tanya, I'm sorry, I…

Time to go home.

Take me home.

I have to be somewhere.

Where? Where are you going?

It's early. You never go home this early.

- I know you, Luis… Luis. - See you tomorrow, ma'am.

- What about tomorrow? - Sorry, ma'am!

Luis!

Oh.

Luis!

Taxi! Taxi!

Luis!

Ow! Stay there! Luis!

- Taxi! - Luis! Luis!

Luis!

Take me home tomorrow!

Oh.

How are your friends?

Feels like I haven't seen them for a while.

Actually, I haven't seen them for days.

No, weeks.

Actually, I think it may be months.

Anyway! Your favorite!

Well-done porterhouse steak.

Mmm.

Um… Babe…

I don't feel like eating steak tonight.

Why don't we order pizza instead?

Babe, pizza?

But…

But steak's your favorite!

You don't like steak anymore?

I do.

I love steak, but…

For a change. Like…

Why don't we drive to Antipolo?

Or let's just go straight to Baguio.

How about Tagaytay?

Let's go somewhere else! Somewhere fun!

Somewhere exciting!

A minute ago, you just wanted to change the meal.

Now, you want to change the whole date.

Don't you appreciate all my effort?

Of course I do.

I didn't say anything like that.

All I'm saying is that it's the same thing over and over.

Isn't there something else?

Something new?

Yeah. Uh…

Enter!

New?

Here's something new, Cathy.

Making it extra special with a band.

I know this is your favorite.

My favorite?

Okay fine, our favorite.

But that's beside the point.

Cathy, I want to tell you something.

Your answer will change everything for us, Cathy.

Cathy, will you marry me?

Cathy!

Cathy.

Babe!

You smoke?

Oh my gosh!

- Since when? - Babe, please!

Wouldn't you want a smoke too, if you get a surprise like that?

That's what a surprise is!

I should be the one to get stressed and pissed.

Seriously?

Are you hearing yourself, Luis?

I'm sorry, we've been together five years,

but it doesn't feel like we've grown.

We're always here, at your condo.

We eat, then… we finish eating.

Oh.

What's wrong with that?

That's the only thing we do.

You're so predictable, Luis.

And it doesn't help that you never make me feel

that you like me.

That you love me.

Babe, isn't my proposing enough?

No, it's not.

I still have my needs, Luis.

I'm still a woman.

- What's the use of having big boobs - Babe, stop!

And a sexy body

- If you're not going to have sex with it? - Babe!

Keep it down!

Am I ugly?

No.

- Am I fat? - Of course not!

- Are you gay? - No!

Don't be like that, babe.

Babe, I respect you!

That's why I want to save it until marriage.

Well, maybe I don't want to be respected anymore!

We've been together five years, Luis!

You're allowed to use me a little!

Babe…

- Excuse me, ma'am. - That's all I ask.

- Babe. - Please use me!

- Use me! - Babe! Babe, please!

Use me!

Babe!

I'm sorry, Luis.

Maybe marriage is not the best move!

I mean, you don't even know who you are.

Babe, please!

- No! - Please, babe!

- Babe. - Come here.

I promise, I'll make up for it!

Babe, I'll change!

I'll change, I promise!

Babe! Babe, please.

Sorry. Babe, please!

You know this is not the problem!

It's your insecurities!

I'm sorry, but I'm done!

I'm done with your small, little…

little understanding of my feelings.

Goodbye, Luis!

Cathy… Okay fine! I'll have sex with you!

Anything, Cathy, please!

- Cathy… - Such a cutie.

Shame about the…

YOU COMING LATER, CARPS? BRING FOOD

Then he says he's my boyfriend!

Dad almost shot his load on us!

Isn't that what you want? A load on your face!

Asshole!

Know what?

- He's boyfriend material. - And I'm not?

- You're fat! - Harsh!

At least my Dad loves me!

Don't you have healthy food here?

Do I look like I have healthy food here?

Wow.

But I messaged Carps.

- Told him to bring munchies. - Pfft.

There's a bigger chance of my dad coming here,

even if he hates me, than of Carps showing up.

Oh.

- Speaking of! - Oh.

Carps! He showed up!

Dude.

Sorry. Busy.

Who are you, sir?

Ah.

- Missed you, guys. - Looking good.

Nice one!

- Wait, where's the munchies? - Huh?

- What munchies? - Hmm.

We always ask you to buy munchies.

You never check your YM.

Shut up and sit down.

- Let's just drink. - Hmm.

Thirsty?

Long time.

How are you guys?

Same.

I lost my job.

Alexio and Bernardo showed up at work.

Got me in trouble.

Actually, I want to confess something.

July knows it already.

But you don't yet, Carpio.

But you know what I don't get...

You said it!

I don't get it why Cathy won't marry me.

We've been together so long, man,

and she still has the nerve to say "no"!

Goddammit!

Look at this dork. Shows up one time and acts like a douche!

What a douche, right?

So…

What does this mean?

I don't know, man.

I did everything.

I thought she was happy.

That's a penis!

- What? - What Cathy said hurt,

but maybe she's not happy with…

Dammit, man!

- Why don't you just stab me? - Carps…

Real talk.

We've seen all of that.

And it is… you know…

Damn you!

So what if I have a small…

…penis?

I loved her.

More than she could handle.

All is good, but she did say

that she wasn't as excited as before.

What's the plan, then?

"Be the bigger man."

Come with me.

Where?

Thailand?

On you?

Oh, wow! Forgot to bring cash, man!

What if you get off?

There's your house! Look!

Don't worry, bros!

I've got this.

You're the best, Carps!

That's why you're my best friend!

Liar!

Good night, best friend!

Plastic.

Is it just me, or are they all checking us out?

Jesus, July.

We just landed!

Save the panty hunt for later!

You're right. But why?

Whatever this is, it's a good sign for Carps.

You can forget…

Forget who? I dunno.

- Who's that? - Hmm?

I forgot man. I forgot who.

Ow! What did I do?

Big Bird, I hate you. My husband left me because of you.

Huh?

Is that how they welcome tourists here?

Bitch!

Huh?

Thank you.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Penis!

Penis!

- Penis! - Hey!

What are you up to, dork?

Just checking if there are Filipinos here.

Can you speak Thai?

- No. - There you go.

- Penis! - Quit that! It's embarrassing!

They don't know what it means, man.

- Penis! - Stop that!

Hey, penis! Where's the key?

Give it to me.

I should slap you with a penis!

Maybe it's my accent.

Dique.

This is a mess! Margins are too low!

How many times do I have to repeat myself?

Credit is good, but we need cash!

If we could only get back to making porn

once Big Bird comes back,

then we can…

Then, what?

Big Bird is gone! Huh?

Mention that name again,

and I'll cut your dick off and make you suck it! Got it?

Sorry, Deborah, sorry.

Out!

Hmm.

Big Bird, where are you?

Wow, Carps!

Didn't know you had a thing for me.

So romantic, huh?

- Wow. - Hardcore.

- Honeymoon. - Hello.

- Hi. Hi. - Hello.

Wait. Who's this really for?

Were you thinking of us when you booked this?

Of course!

He wanted to sleep with you.

Where do I sleep, then, Carps? In between?

We can all squeeze in.

Why?

Come on, guys.

Already paid for everything and you're still complaining!

Wow!

- He's rubbing it in again! - Yeah, right.

- I'll just fly home, then. - Go ahead! How?

- Give me money. - See?

Are you really ready to move on?

Or you're still thinking of Cathy?

Forget her. She's not thinking of you anyway.

Harsh.

What a bitch.

Anyway. Our objective now

is for all of us to get laid! Okay?

This will be the best day of our lives.

Hands in, boys!

We will fuck!

- We will fuck! - We will fuck!

- We will fuck! - We will fuck!

- We will fuck! - We will fuck!

- We will fuck! - We will fuck!

- We will fuck! - We will fuck!

What?

All right.

Shit, here we go.

What'd I do?

Oh, sorry.

Hurry. Oh.

- Is this all we're doing in Thailand? - Yes, pray.

There.

- Thank you! - Hello.

Hey!

Weren't we here before?

This is supposed to be the way to the restaurant.

I thought we were looking for a bar.

I thought we were getting a massage first.

The massage place, bar, and restaurant are all clumped together.

Which is which?

- Do you know how to use that? - I think we're lost.

Turn your clothes inside out. Hurry. We're lost.

Will you stop that!?

Stop believing in shit like that!

We've got nothing to lose!

But now we're lost.

Let's just ask for help!

We can't even understand each other! You think they can?

Think, dude!

That one! Let's ask this one.

That's where we came from.

Excuse me, miss.

Miss, I'm sorry.

Do you know where the massage is?

You know the massa... Ow!

- Again! - It was you.

My husband had been watching your movie until the day he died.

The hell did you do, Carps?

The hell should I know?

Maybe that's really the way they greet in Thailand?

Let's just go!

I kinda miss being slapped.

Bad trip, man.

This was not the adventure we planned here.

Just take a picture of me, quick!

Come on. Pretend I'm Miss Thailand.

Here we go.

- See? - Hmm.

Okay.

Miss… Thailand!

- There's no signal! - Keep posing.

One more!

Your dad will love this.

- Dork. - Carps, get in the pic.

- Come on, Carps! Look at my pose. - Hurry!

Hurry, hurry.

Pose, pose, pose, pose.

Let me join, guys!

You're hogging all the pics!

- Not working. - Let me see.

Is it broken?

Battery's low.

Put it in your bag, Carps. I'll charge it back at the hotel.

- Okay. - Penis!

- Penis! - You not done with that, July?

This is a tourist spot, man.

More likely than not there are Filipinos here.

Penis!

Ti… thi?

- Silly. - Penis!

- Yes? Huh? - Pe…

Hello.

- You call my name? - Uh, what?

- No, no, no. - My name, you call?

- No, no, no. - You call my name?

- No, no. - Why? What's your name?

Tithi.

- Yeah. Prajak Tithi. - [July in English Your name is tite?

Yeah. Prajak Tithi.

T-I-t-h-i.

Oh, you smile. Why you smile?

- No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no.

Something funny? My name?

We thought your name is spelled like

"penis" in Filipino.

Oh! You're from Philippines?

- Yes! - Philippines?

Welcome!

- Welcome! - He says welcome!

- Welcome. - You have tour guide?

- Tour guide already you have? - No, no, no, no.

We don't need a tour guide. Thank you!

We're lost, man! We need one!

Yes, yes! We need tour guide.

- Okay. Very nice. Okay. - Yes. Uh…

- How much? - No problem, it's very cheap.

Take you all tourist spots!

Floating market! Banana Show!

With mango sticky rice and a lot of buko.

- No, not buko, coconut… - Sounds expensive!

You don't even know how much and you're calling it!

- It's my money! - Yeah?

Yes, yes, yes, yes! We need tour guide, yes.

Oh. Okay, so, just follow me.

- Yeah, let's go! - Okay!

- Okay! - This is nice.

- Thank you! - Thank you!

- Oh. - Told you!

We even have our own tuk-tuk!

Thank you! My feet are killing me already!

- Come in! - Come in?

Yeah.

Dammit! This is tiny!

Is this all you've got?

One foot apart.

Eat less rice.

- Ouch! - Pussy!

You wanna go… eat first?

Sightseeing first?

Can you take us somewhere…

where we can have, you know…

- fun, you know… - Yeah.

- Happy, happy! - Fun?

- Happy, happy? - This is annoying!

- Let me try! We want girls. - Girls?

- Boys… - Oh! Boy? Lady boy?

- Naked. - Naked.

- Boys? Naked? - Let me do it. Prajak.

- Yeah? - Look at my hands.

- Look at my hands. - Okay.

Oh.

Oh! Okay, okay!

I know! I know it!

- Okay, let's go! - Yeah.

- Okay! Let's go? - Let's go!

Let's go.

ROYAL JUBILEE GATE

LONG LIVE THE ROYAL

MINISTRY OF DEFENCE

Penis!

Penis!

- Is this it? - Your knee.

This is it!

- At last! - Let's go!

Everyone looks drunk!

- Prajak said this is it. - Looks good.

Hey!

Watch where you're going, you fat fuck!

What did you say? Huh?

- Say it to my face! - No, no, no.

Too hot, dude.

Save it for the girls.

Yeah! Listen to your girl.

The hell did you say?

- Hey! - No, no, no.

- Take it easy! - Sorry. He didn't mean it.

- Want me to smack you? - Ignore those douchebags.

- Ignore them. - That's right.

- Come on. - What happened?

Wel "cum"!

To the Sanctuary of Desire!

Please. Cum…

in.

Come Let's go.

- You good? - Let's go.

Let's go.

Okay.

Nice catch, Prajak.

We're gonna make a killing!

Thank you.

Let's go inside.

Come. Cum.

Gentlemen, cum.

But do not cum too fast!

Take your time.

Sit here.

Make yourselves at home.

You will enjoy here.

Hakuna matata.

Don't worry, be happy. Sit down.

- Thank you. - Thank you!

See? Very nice.

What you want? Here.

- Here? - Yeah!

Okay, okay.

Any problem?

How did you find that guy?

You fancy him?

I think they're Filipinos.

You think?

Anyway… Are you ready, girls?

Are you ready for the show?

Ah! You like it?

Yes! Yes!

Wow!

Here we go! Here we go!

Okay! Let's go!

Let's go!

Mine? Mine?

Wow!

Yes!

Later! Later! Later!

- Yes! - Here she is!

Whoa!

- Whoo! - Oh!

For you!

Very long! Very long!

What?

Oh!

She smelled it!

Yuck! Yuck!

Gross!

You good?

This is it! This is it! This is it!

The hell is that?

They're not done yet?

Bananas.

Whoa!

Banana Lady! Banana Lady!

He said Banana Lady.

Watch out for the banana!

- Look for the banana! - Look for the banana?

Here we go!

The hell!

They stick that in there?

Gross!

Back off.

Hello? Can I talk to Deborah?

Hello, Deborah?

Your lost bird is like a pigeon.

He's come back.

I just saw him here.

I'm sure, Deborah!

It's Big Bird in the flesh!

- Gross! - It's okay!

- It's sticky. - Oh! You two!

- Here we go! - Oh!

Just relax. Just relax.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Relax, guys! Relax!

There! There. Okay.

Don't move.

The hell is this?

- I can't see! - It's not bad! It's not bad, okay?

- What bullshit is this, Carps? - Just relax, okay?

- Okay. - Stand up, stand up, slowly…

- I'm scared! - Here we go.

Okay. Then follow me.

Just hold me and follow me.

Slowly. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Raikantopeni!

The following scenes have been removed

because they are too much for Philippine movie.

The scenes are very naughty

and shameful with Kantotan.

We are very sorry for the inconvenience.

For now, please just imagine what is happening.

Oh, you're different!

Hey, don't you dare!

Maybe I insert this…

- Not there! - …Here.

Not there!

Anyway, it's hard to make new friends my age.

Oh, so sad.

Why are you laughing?

So, so small.

- Uh… Don't look! - Like…

- …candy! - What are you doing?

No!

Okay, I massage you with my boobs.

No, no, no, no!

Ouch!

No!

Okay? Imagined already? Good!

Let's continue the movie. Thank you!

Is this what I've become?

Who am I really?

You!

- I know you. - Me?

I know who you are!

Kaoru, let's take this man with us.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay!

Okay.

I can't believe I'm here with a legend!

How have you been?

I have all your works.

I collect them.

But I wonder why

I don't see any new stuff from you.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what you mean.

Why'd you disappear, Big Bird?

Women want you,

and the men, they all want to be like you!

You give Asian men like me a big reputation!

Yes! Yes, yes.

Big reputation.

Yes, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Uh, I think I have to go.

- My friends are looking for me. - Wait, wait.

Wait, senpai.

- I need you to try this. - No, no, no, no.

Sorry I… I don't smoke.

No.

- Bro! - Bro!

- Help me… - The hell happened to you?

Something bad happened.

I think I'm going to pass out.

Wait, wait, wait. What the hell happened?

They molested me!

I'm so dirty…

I'm so dirty…

What's with the manicure?

Nah, I just let her get what she wanted so I can get what I wanted.

And it's just nail polish.

Isn't Carpio done yet?

- Dunno. - Excuse me.

Leaving without paying, huh?

Oh no! Uh…

- Our money is with Carpio. - Yes.

- Yeah. - Your friend has already left.

What?

That can't be! He will never leave us.

Oh…

Done already? Good? Good?

You're an idiot! Fucking stupid!

How could you let a customer out with no pay?

Prajak! Have you seen Carpio?

Big Bird!

- I thought you're with him. - Huh?

Carpio's missing?

No, no, no! He's just somewhere.

Pay now! Eight thousand baht each.

Okay, we go to Carpio

- and then we get the money. - No, no. Pay first.

- You pay now. - We will pay you.

No!

How will we pay you if we don't have money?

We will pay!

Will pay you, promise!

- No! - No! We want our friend!

There! There! There's your friend!

The hell happened to him?

I think he's drunk. Come on.

You get your money, we wait here.

Yeah. That's us! Right?

I have new friends.

Yahoo!

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

There! That's my…

No, no, no!

No, it's alright! It's okay, that's my…

my true friends.

My old friends.

- Yeah. It's okay! - Ah!

Welcome!

Big Bird's friends!

He is Kimura.

Big exporter of herbal medicines.

One of our best patrons.

- Kimura? - Hm-mm.

Keep your eyes on them.

Best! Night! Ever!

May I have your attention, everyone?

Thank you for sharing this night with me.

I have a very successful business of herbal medicine.

- Oh. - Herbal medicine!

- And other exotic products! - Samples, please!

This is why I'm very happy

to have you, my friends, to join my business.

Oh!

Business!

- We'll be rich! - And you, my friend!

You'll be a big part of my business.

From your extract,

we will serve more men of our age

to be like you… Big!

- What? - Extract?

- Huh? - They're going to milk Carpio?

Me? Big?

Yes!

Wow!

I… will… take… your…

penis!

- No! - Hey! What's this?!

Dammit! Miss, I'm not part of this!

I don't know these dor…

He's in there.

Please! Please! Please!

No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No!

Please! Please! Please! No! No!

Please! No! No! No! No! No!

Kimura-san, stop that!

Deborah wants him!

Goddamn that Deborah! Who does she think she is?

May I remind you that you owe Deborah debts.

If it weren't for her, the police,

will be all over you for your weird aphrodisiac!

Let them go!

You asshole!

All this time, you can speak Tagalog!

My nose was bleeding from all that English!

He can speak Tagalog?

Asshole spoke, and I was like the hell?!

Aright, alright, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, sirs!

How would I know it would get to this?

Oh. The hell do you get from pretending to be Thai?

Huh?

Pay this asshole, Carps.

The sooner this douchebag's out of here, the better!

Wait. Let me just thank the dude.

Hi, sir. Excuse me.

Thank you so much for… helping us earlier.

Uh, what's your name?

Okay, bye.

- You're coming with us. - Okay! Okay!

Oh my, Deborah!

It really hurts. I'm dizzy.

Dammit, that hurts!

The hell are we?

Hell.

Prajak?

Is that you?

Who else?

All those disguises and I still get busted!

Why'd I have to talk to you dorks?

Hey! Prajak!

Is that your real name?

And how is this our fault?

Why'd they bring us here?

Where are we, Carps?

- Come on. - Huh?

My back hurts, Carps.

July! July!

Wake up.

- Is it time for breakfast? - What breakfast?

Dork, we're not in the hotel!

What? It's real?!

I thought I was just… Ow!

My body hurts!

What happened?

Why is this lying asshole with us?

We were all taken together, moron!

And stop picking on me!

Let's just help each other get out of here!

You have no idea what Deborah can do.

She controls even the cops!

Why? Is she worse than that Kimura guy?

Did you see his face when they mentioned Deborah?

And why do you think I keep putting on disguises

and hiding out?

The hell are you saying?

My God. Know what?

Let's just all pray we get out of here.

Specially you, Big Bird!

I knew it! I had a bad feeling about you.

I've seen that face before! I've watched you!

Wait!

- Who the hell's that Big Bird? - Yeah.

You ask too many questions!

Come here.

IT FEELS GOOD! DON'T STOP

There. See?

You have the same face!

Does look like you, man!

Shit! That's big!

That's why he's called Big Bird.

Hard gattling!

Hey!

What are you pervs doing?

- Uh, what… - You!

Deborah wants to see you!

- Wait, wait, wait! - No, no.

- Please, please, please! - Carpio!

Why are you taking our friend?

- No, no, no, sir! - Go!

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, please! Sir.

Ms. Deborah!

Hi, handsome.

Finally, you're back.

Wait, why's Prajak the only one tied up?

Probably 'cause he's a douche.

Wow. Such a sweet guy.

Ah. Hey, cutie.

Cutie! Psst.

Uh, where are we, and why are we here?

This is Deborah's house,

where she does many business.

Like beauty pills, skin creams, inhalers,

also, porn.

Porn?!

Yeah.

Do you have man-to-man porn?

- No! - Okay.

I thought.

But wait, who's Deborah?

Ah!

It's been a long time since I saw you.

How are you?

I miss you, Big.

Why did you disappear?

Where did you go?

Have you forgotten your promise to me?

Uh…

Which one?

Your last film.

Your Big Bird Finale.

Have you forgotten it?

Deborah is the biggest porn producer

in Asia in the '90s,

doing productions in Japan.

She and Big Bird opened doors for the underground porn industry

to reach new heights and even get to the international market.

Breaking stereotypes of Asian men!

Who would've thought this Thai expat,

Big Bird, would be big in Japan

and then all over Asia?

And Deborah was there, to make him fly!

Oh, your English is very good.

- Yeah, good. - Yeah.

Actually, I read this.

- Oh. - At least he's good at reading.

Here.

Enjoy.

Imagine that.

Carpio has a famous foreign look-alike.

Wonder why he didn't make it to the Philippines?

In other countries, it's our drama series that are famous.

You know too much!

For a lying douchebag.

Why would we believe you?

Remember, you still owe us.

Sorry. I thought you were asking me.

Baldy.

Can't you remember anything at all?

Uh…

No.

I told you,

those drugs you constantly snort,

shooting up every drug you see,

it's going to fuck up your brain.

It will give you amnesia!

Yes!

Yes! Amnesia!

- Yes. - Yeah, that's why I forgot.

Oh!

You seem to have gotten good at hiding it?

This is the legacy you left behind, Big Bird.

You even won this.

This, this, this… this trophy.

How could you just throw everything away?

How could you disappear from me?

Well, it doesn't matter. You're back.

Let us bring back the glory days, Big Bird.

I think there's a mistake.

I am not…

We are making your ultimate porn comeback.

Comeback gattling!

Tell me, Big Bird.

I never saw you as someone who would have friends.

Who are these people?

Uh, I just met them here, actually.

Douchebag.

Hmm…

Looks like he can do porn.

Me?

She said porn?

You're okay with fucking a girl?

Of course not!

You're actually friends with this… guy?

Prajak Tithi?

- You know him? - Know him?!

He used to work for me as one of my distributors.

Then I found out

he pirated my video in Cambodia and Indonesia.

Scammer!

Sorry!

Quiet! If you have no business here anymore,

I can tell Jaturawit to get rid of them.

What? What did we do to you?

- Why are you going to kill us? - Maybe "get rid" means make us leave,

- not kill. - Really?

You wanna find out what she means by "get rid"?

Of course. We don't know yet.

- What the hell?! - Shall we kill them?

- I knew it. - Deborah.

No, no, no! Please!

Why should I let them live?

- Um… - Uh…

- I'm a director! From the Philippines. - Yeah, yeah.

- Very good porn director. - Yes.

I made many movies, like, um…

- Blow Me. - Blow Me.

Blow Me 2. Blow Me 3.

Uh, I did In Grandma's Arms.

- In Grandma's Arms. My favorite. - Yes.

Penis-hed By Dawn. Have you heard of that?

- Many, many porn. - Yes.

And him!

Very good makeup artist. Very good.

- The best. - I don't do makeup.

- You know makeup. - Very good makeup artist.

- Airbrush, airbrush. - We'll make your movie.

- We'll make a movie. - Yes, yes.

Even with him?

Um…

Translator!

- He's our translator. - Yes! And cameraman!

- And cameraman! Yes! yes! - Yes…

- Lower cost, 2-in-1. - Yeah.

Okay, very well, Mr. Director.

You do my video. We shall shoot it here.

Save me my money from having to do it overseas.

Oh, yes.

Very good. Yeah, we make. We make.

Big Bird,

I can't wait to see your ultimate move again.

Quiet!

What are you laughing at?

What do we know about making porn?

It's just sex.

Let's just finish this, then get out of here.

Promise?

What now, Mr. Carpio?

Are you sure you can do this?

I need to.

We can fake the angles, right? July?

Angles we can fake.

The problem is your tiny dick.

Thanks, dude.

That boosted my confidence.

Guys!

Let's just fight after we shoot this video.

The sooner we're out of here, the better.

Now, we'll start with the sex scene.

Yes.

Go!

Let's get this over with.

Come, come, come.

Hi.

Uh, Ms. Deborah,

maybe we start with the story first,

the acting, as to not tire out our stars.

Okay, fine.

I remember, Big Bird needs to warm up.

Isn't that right?

Uh-huh.

Uh… Ready?

Action.

Wait! Wait! Wait! She stood up!

- To the right! - Oh yes!

- Go, Big Bird! - I'm blocking her.

- Left! Left! - Oh, you're such a natural!

- Left! Left! - Hey! Let me see, too!

- So good! - Go right?

- Move! Move! Move! Right! - Okay.

- Move! Right! - Very hot.

We'll never see our families again after this.

Oh.

- Let's just call them and say goodbye? - Just record the whole thing!

Down! Down! Down!

Oh yes!

Can you please move your ass!

- Oh! So good! So hot! - Down! Down!

Enough! Do the sex already!

Hmm?

Hard gattling now!

Uh, Carps,

just stick it in and let's fake the angles.

Yes, please.

No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Cut! - I can't do this!

What happened?

We're dead.

He is not Big Bird!

Small bird!

Hey! Hey!

Okay! Okay!

Let me see.

Oh my God!

You are not Big Bird!

Get them now!

- Hey! - Ow!

- Wait! - What are we going to do?

Here!

Carpio!

Hurry! Run!

Carpio! Your clothes!

- Where the hell are we? - Just hurry!

Hurry!

What's going on here? Get them!

Now!

Hurry! Ow!

Macky!

- Wait! Wait! - What now?

Let's hide!

- Where? - Under!

- Not there! Here! - There! There!

Big Bird!

- Fuck you! - Hey! Asshole!

Fuck!

You cannot escape!

- Where the hell have you been? - Over there!

Hurry!

Big Bird!

Big Bird!

Big Bird!

Big Bird!

Big Bird!

Go ahead! I've got this!

Prajak!

Go! I can handle this!

Go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Hurry!

Hurry!

- I'm tired! - July! Hurry!

- Hurry! - Don't leave me!

Hurry!

Goddammit!

Assholes!

Hurry!

Don't leave me!

Come here! Come here!

Oh my God.

Down! Down! Down!

They went that way.

They went that way.

What do we do now?

- What do we do now? - Be quiet.

You're safe now.

They are gone.

Thank you.

Uh, thank you for saving us.

Okay. Come with us.

Let's go somewhere safer.

Why the hell should we trust these guys?

We don't have a choice.

This is the end of us.

- Macky, don't panic! - I'm scared!

We are not going to die here, Macky!

- Let's go? - Thank you.

- He really looks dangerous. - Come.

Water.

- Thank you. - Water.

You are Big Bird, yes?

You are our inspiration.

But him, he lost an eye for you.

But it's okay.

We became fishermen because of Big Bird!

Right?

Big Bird!

Big Bird in…

How To Catch A Fish With His Mouth.

Wow! Awesome.

Look!

Okay, okay.

Here.

Look!

What the hell?

This Big Bird worship is getting out of hand.

- Master! You are my idol. - You are the best!

Just pretend, Carps.

What are you doing?

What the hell are you doing, Carps?!

Pull them back up!

Carps!

I am not Big Bird!

You see? Huh? Hmm?

Hmm?

What are they doing?

Dammit! Carps!

- Carpio! - Dammit, Carps!

Carps! The hell are you pulling your penis out for?

Shit, Carps.

Can't you pretend, just a little, until we get back home?

We owe them the truth, man!

Truth shit!

Hey! Pull yourself together!

Pull yourself together?

The hell do you want me to do?

I'm not Big Bird!

You think I'm enjoying this? Huh?

You're the one who suggested we make a porn!

Carps, if it wasn't for that,

- we'd probably be dead! - Even then!

I just want to go home.

- Get back with Cathy! - Dammit!

Here we go again. Cathy again!

Cathy ain't here!

Who are you trying to impress?

Will you shut the fuck up?!

You should thank me for taking you here!

Here we go again!

Don't worry, man, I'll pay you back!

After that, I'll give you back to Cathy!

Besides, you only hang out with us when she's not around!

July, Carpio, what's going on?

- No, Macky. - Stop it!

No, Macky. Oh.

The hell do you know about our lives?

You know what we're going through?

- You know what I'm going through? - Hey.

- What Macky's going through? - Stop it.

- Carps, I'm gay. - What?

I thought you were just metrosexual?

Oh. See? See?

See? You only think about yourself!

You know what, man? We have no issue with your tiny penis.

Our issue is you can't fight for us with Cathy!

Actually, you can't even fight for yourself!

Let's say you have a big penis. Huh?

But you'll never have balls!

- You want balls? - What are you doing?

- Don't do it! - No dammit!

You want balls? Here! Here!

You'll never have these, Carpio!

Look at it! Look!

Huh? You don't have these…

Guys!

- Stop! Stop it! - You don't have the balls!

Guys! Carpio!

That's enough!

That's enough!

Damn you, Carps! Damn you!

That's enough!

- You don't have the balls, Carps! - Damn you!

- You don't have the balls, Carps! - Stop it!

That's enough!

Damn you, two! Enough!

That's enough!

Enough!

You're supposed to be friends!

Move!

Eat?

No! We're not hungry.

Him!

He's hungry for attention. Come on, Macky.

Let's go back to Bangkok!

- Hm? - Excuse me. Excuse me.

Fine! Leave!

I don't give a shit!

Finally!

We made it!

All that shit that happened to us,

but we're here!

You think it's okay to leave Carpio there?

He's a big boy. It's fine.

What's important is we get our passports, take a bath, then,

- figure out how to get home. - Prajak!

- Guys. - How are you, Prajak?

- You good? - I'm fine.

- Where's Carpio? - Gone.

We're leaving him, and we're going home.

Good to see you're good.

Yeah.

- So, Carpio's not here? - Nope.

Never mind. We'll give you a ride.

We?

Wait, how'd you know what hotel we're in?

I'm a tour guide! And I stole this.

Damn you, Prajak!

- You traitor! - What the hell?

- Take it easy! - Prajak!

- Damn you, Prajak! - Just take it easy.

- Hey, Prajak! - You're a traitor, Prajak!

- Damn you! - Damn you!

I'm tired of being kidnapped! I wanna go home!

You're a douche, Prajak!

Nothing personal. Just a job.

Macky?

July?

- What? - Yo!

Carps can't understand Thai! Dumbass!

You!

Talk to your friend!

No!

He's not my friend anymore.

Excuse me.

You! Do it!

Carps, wherever you are, damn you!

Go home! Leave us behind! That's what you're good at!

Selfish!

Address on the tape. You go there!

You! You! No! Stay away from me!

Stay away from me!

- Carpio! - No! No! Please, please!

Stop! Calm down!

I'm not here to hurt you.

Then, what do you want from me?

Deborah took my friends already.

I don't even know what to do!

I have something that Deborah wants.

Big Bird.

I knew

you weren't Big Bird the first time I saw you.

I know where the real Big Bird is.

What?!

But I am not helping out of charity.

What's in it for you?

Hmm…

Big Bird is bad for business.

I gave him a place to hide.

But he attracts trouble.

I need you to take him off my hands.

Me?

Why me?

Hey!

You have set an unrealistic standard

in which beauty is defined solely by physical attributes,

fostering toxic behavior towards individuals

who do not possess the same features.

This society has regressed

due to the insecurities you have instigated.

You perpetuate misogyny, triggering bullying,

and shaming of people for their imperfections,

thus rendering them incapable

of appreciating their own self-worth.

Ugly!

Yes.

Me. Big Bird.

Okay?

Thank you!

Where the hell is Big Bird?

Big Bird!

No, no, no!

You stay here.

You got me in so much trouble already.

You owe me a drink.

Fine.

Come.

So,

the rumors are true.

Someone does look like me.

But younger.

Weird.

Yeah.

So weird.

What happened to you, man?

What is this? An interview?

Uh… I got time.

Well,

if you managed to escape Deborah and her men,

I owe you a story.

So, what do you...

When I was a young boy…

…my father told me,

"Son, you're hung like a horse.

Use your gift,

so you can get out of this miserable life."

"You mean

my big bird, Daddy?"

"Yes!

Spread your wings and fly!

Fly like the big bird you are!"

So, I started to fly.

But it was so hard.

Wherever I go…

Careful, man.

…and whatever I do…

Excuse me.

…this big, big dick of mine

- always, gets in the way. - Hey!

I always felt small,

even this with big, big dick.

Why?

Why can't I just be normal bird?

Until I met…

her.

She changed my life.

My friend referred me to a job.

I was working as a janitor

for a rich woman in Pattaya.

Little did I know

that simple day would turn out to be so different.

No! No! No! No!

This is giving me a headache!

What is it you're looking for,

Deborah-dono?

I am looking for that spectacle of a man, with just one look,

he pierces your soul with orgasm!

Hello, cock!

Looks like God has arrived.

Join me.

Let us revolutionize the world!

And that's how Deborah transformed me.

From that simple little Thai boy expat

into her big porn star.

She named me "Big Bird".

Porn is illegal in Thailand,

so, we made the video in Japan,

where our videos first got popular,

and then in Thailand,

and then, all over Asia.

The sex wasn't too bad.

And so was the money, the alcohol,

and the drugs.

I never thought in my wildest dreams

that my dick would make me so big.

But one day…

I just felt empty.

And I just walked away.

Being blessed this way

is more of a curse.

I may be more popular than the girls I partnered with,

but the one thing I hate the most

is the feeling that someone owns me.

I own me!

And only I get to decide what I do with this…

cursed dick!

So, you left everything behind?

Then you hid here?

You know Kaoru, right?

She owns this bar with her friends.

She offered me free lodging to hide.

In exchange,

I get to DJ.

Been here for years.

I guess

enough sniffing from Deborah, and the police

has gotten to her nerves.

Big Bird. I need your help, please.

Deborah has my friends. And they are in danger.

Say no more.

- So, you're going to help me? - No!

What?! But…

What about your promise to Deborah?

Is it a porn comeback?

Was that the promise?

Promise?

No!

I am sorry, Mr. Luis.

- I cannot help you. - C'mon, man, please!

Big Bird, you're my only hope!

I told you!

I am done with that.

You must accept the fact

that you have no more friends.

Look at me.

I have no friends,

but I'm fine.

Big idiot.

You know what? I don't need you.

Yeah, you stay here,

where you're hiding for the rest of your life!

I thought you were more than just a big dick.

Hey, hey, hey, you did not pay!

The coward dies a thousand deaths,

the brave but one.

Are you sure about this? Big Bird?

This won't do!

I need a plan!

I'm coming for you, bros.

I'm getting annoyed!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! The hell are you doing here?

Hurting us wasn't enough?

I'm helping you already. Stop whining!

There he goes again! Rubbing it in again!

I already said I'm sorry, dammit!

Is that sincere?

I'll leave you here, then.

You think we're scared?

Like we're not used to it.

I know I've been a douche of a friend

for the past few years.

I've been busy with work, with Cathy.

Guys, I've lost Cathy already.

I can't lose you, too.

Sorry!

Well, well, well.

Just in time for the big finale.

Wait for me there.

Wow.

Take your time.

It's a long way, huh?

I'll take care of you all.

I can't believe you tricked me.

How dare you?

I am Deborah!

- They don't have elevators here, no? - Take your time,

we're not going anywhere.

I knew there was something off about you.

Big Bird never had friends.

No one cares for him.

He was nothing more than a big bird.

Deborah, please! Let my friends go!

It's not us that you want!

Maybe…

after the video, I will let you go.

What?

That again?

But you already know I am not Big Bird.

I have very, very small bird.

Yes. Very tiny.

Microscopic.

Miniscule.

I don't care.

Either you do it

or I'll have your friends do the video instead.

Hey! I like that idea!

Carpio, don't let them do it! Please!

Gross!

Pussy!

With them!

Shit! No!

Carps, set us free right now! Hurry!

Hey! Touch move! You already said it!

Deborah! I'm ready anytime!

Deborah, please.

I don't care who does who.

Little bird, big, whatever!

I'll just digital pixelate your fucking small dick!

You men are all the same!

You take and you take, and you get away with it,

while we women suffer.

Is it my fault

if I want to be satisfied

or aroused and get what I deserve?

You're in love with him,

aren't you?

You just want him back.

The only guy who ever loved you.

Quiet!

How dare you!

Prajak!

Get in here!

Come on!

Hey…

Prajak?

What are you waiting for?

Come on! Make his friends suffer!

Deborah, please!

Please let my friends go! I'll do anything!

Please.

Come on!

Gangbang him.

Bukkake all over his face!

You fucking little small dick!

Fake bird!

Carpio! No!

Do me instead!

This is it. This is my karma.

I accept this.

Hurry up! Shoot now.

Don't miss the cum!

Carpio, I promise!

I'll pay you back!

But if not, it's fine. No problem.

But Carpio! I love you!

It's true.

We're all here because of me.

Deborah! Let it be me!

Not Carpio!

Carps! It's fine!

You can wash it off!

Promise we won't tell anyone!

I wanted to be the bigger man, but I failed.

I let you down, bros.

And I let me down.

This is it. Here we are.

I'll take this one

for the team.

Cum! Cum! Cum on his face!

Point your camera at me!

Stop this at once!

Hey! Big Bird!

I never thought this would happen.

I've never had the bananas

that came from my vagina before.

It's kind of hot.

Let them go, Deborah!

It's… It's you!

It's really you.

Deborah.

Please…

let them go.

I know this is not you.

I… made you like this.

And I'm truly sorry.

Do you remember what you promised to me?

Yes.

Of course.

After we make that one big porn movie,

I will settle down with you

and marry you.

That was the promise.

I was madly in love with you,

then you just left.

I know.

And I have loved you so much

that I have failed to tell you

that I have shrunk.

I was scared.

I wasn't man enough to love you.

I will never be enough for you.

All I ever was

is this big…

bird!

I don't care.

It was never the size of your bird.

It's the size of your heart that I fell in love with.

Oh! Deborah.

Oh!

Oh! Yeah!

Oh, Big Bird!

Yeah! I am Big Bird!

Oh!

- You like that? - Big Bird!

Why are you looking at me? Point your camera to them!

- Oh! Big Bird. - Hard gattling!

Oh!

Gross!

That dick will make me sick!

Big Bird!

Hurry, hurry…

Dammit!

Oh my God.

Dammit!

- I wanna go home! - Thank you, Lord!

Thank you, Lord!

Bro…

It's finally over!

Yes, bro. I hope, man!

Big Bird!

I want your penis!

Goddammit! I told you I'm not Big Bird!

Oh, shit.

I'm not sure, but I think he's dead.

Prajak?

Why'd you help us?

'Cause we're Filipinos.

But I'm really sorry.

Actually, I'm a little embarrassed.

Of all the people I could con, I had to pick Filipinos.

I'm ashamed.

You remind me of my old friends back home,

how tight you were, just like how tight we were, too.

I remember all the shit we did.

I remembered…

I remembered who I really was.

All the times me and my friends were hanging out…

I rememb…

Ow.

- Stop this drama shit! - That hurts.

Stop conning people.

You've got decent work. Don't waste it.

I deserved that.

We quits?

Can we start over?

Will you come here!

- Huh? - Come here!

- I'm a little shy. - Come here.

- No, really, I'm a little shy. - I'll smack you

if you don't come here!

One more from you.

- That's enough. - That's sharp.

We're still pissed off at you.

Sorry if…

I've been a douche.

I'm only there when I need you.

But when you need me,

where am I, right?

Beating off, most likely.

Sorry. Go on, please.

This was supposed to be a make-up trip.

For all the times that I wasn't around.

Big Bird was right.

I wasn't man enough.

I had no balls to be myself.

Hope you can forgive me.

Are you crying?

You wanna cry?

Come here.

Let me blow you.

Dork.

I'll blow you instead.

Stop it!

- You stink! - Kidding!

But seriously,

let me make up to you.

Let's make this holiday happen!

- Ah! Game? - Game.

Let's go!

Let's go!

Big penis! Big penis! Big penis! Big penis!

Police! Arrest this man!

Does it taste good?

There you go. Because of this trip,

I got to know Macky and July more.

And not just that.

We made a new bonus friend in Tithi Prajak.

Got to know myself better, too.

Like the brochure said,

I can be the bigger man.

And I did.

A big man in little things,

like being there for my friends,

old and new.

Where are they now?

Big Bird kept his promise to Deborah.

After Big Bird retired from porn…

Looks like he can do porn.

Me?

Pretty Bird, as Metrosexual Fighter!

Axe of Diva!

Bottom gattling!

And his Dad accepted him.

At least,

Macky didn't have to hide who he was.

And July?

Still a hothead.

Stayed in Thailand and became a tour guide.

But found a way to calm down

and have purpose.

The two may have stayed there,

but I brought home a new friend.

I'll go back to my hometown, in Lapu-Lapu.

Wait, Prajak?

Is Tithi your real name?

Nope. Pepe, vagina.

Snatcher! Snatcher! Hey!

That's not paid for yet!

As an almost porn star,

I learned a few tricks from my Thai twin Big Bird.

Oh!

Really?

Alright, then.

But how?

Isn't it…?

It's not the size.

It's how you use it.

In!

Out!

In!

Out!

All in!

Luis, I will teach you

my ultimate finishing sex move.

Much, much better

than hard gattling.

Final! Bird! Freedom!

FINAL BIRD FREEDOM