Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Well, here are the proud parents-to-be.

Yes, and we've been shopping.

Yeah, look what we found. Pretty neat, huh?

Ah, that's perfect. It'll do wonders

for his motor skills and his mental acuity.

And check this out. We got one for the baby, too.

Our next city councilman, ladies and gentlemen.

Boy, it's gonna be tough finding a replacement for you, Woody.

Why would you want to replace me, Sam?

You can't tend bar here and be a councilman at the same time.

That's a full-time job.

It is, Sam?

Yeah, and working here at Cheers is a full-time job, too.

It is, Sam?

Yes.

Well, can't I tend bar at least sometimes?

What all does a city councilman have to do anyway?

Well, our present councilman Kevin Fogerty

rises at the crack of dawn-- 6:30 to be exact.

Then he showers, shaves, goes downstairs

for a leisurely breakfast with his wife Estelle.

Then he takes his son Joseph, eight, and Hilary, eleven,

to the Fenwick Elementary School.

At least that was his routine before the court order

deprived me of my right to know.

Big Brother, my friends. Big Brother.

Years from now, they're going to ask me why I didn't see the signs.

I guess I'd better call the newspaper and put an ad in there

looking for an assistant bartender.

All right, all right, Sammy,

let me fill out an application.

What about me? I'd be a great bartender.

Oh, come on, are you kidding me? With those powerhouse drinks you make?

Ah, come on.

Sweetheart, the last time I let you tend bar,

there were 12 people who made a naked conga line

all the way out to the common,

and Phil over there tried to join The Flying Wallendas.

I tell you,

I sobered up real fast on that high wire. Whoo!

All right, so I made the drinks a little strong that night.

It's not gonna happen again.

Come on, I could really use the money.

You won't be sorry.

Yeah, all right, go ahead. I'll give you a shot.

- Yes! - Now, hold it a second.

I'm the one who's supposed to make the decisions around here.

I am the manager.

Now, to whom should I give this job of bartender?

How would you like me

to rip out your still beating heart

and show it to you before you hit the ground?

I've got it.

How about Carla?

You know something, with Carla being our new bartender,

we're going to need a waitress.

Why don't you get on the phone

and call the agency and hire one.

Think you can you manage that?

Yes, I think I can manage that,

but could you dial? I just had my nails done.

And could you talk?

I feel uncomfortable talking to strangers.

Well, Carla, congratulations on your new job.

Here's to Carla, our new bartender.

Hear, hear.

Carla, why don't you fire up a pitcher

of those lethal cocktails that you make?

Just don't tell Sammy, okay?

I'm going to make you one pitcher

of a little drink my grandfather taught me.

It's called, I Know My Redeemer Liveth.

Is it strong?

Is it strong? One drink, you won't recognize your best friend.

Make mine a double.

Sam, this place is just a mess.

Yeah, I know.

Carla made one of her specialty drinks last night.

Things got out of hand.

Morning, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

How are you feeling, Norm?

Terrible.

I have a splitting headache,

and I think I might be sick.

Can I have a beer, Sammy?

Hey there, Frasier.

I'm sorry, Sam.

Your friend Frasier is dead.

What you are looking at is his undead corpse.

Here you go, pal.

All right, let's review.

Last night, I got knee-walking drunk...

And now I'm back in this bar

a mere seven and a half hours later...

Hungover.

Well, it's official. I have a problem.

Cheers.

Hey, is that you, Cliff ie?

Cliff?

He just woke up. He doesn't know where he is.

Cliff ie, calm down, man.

Just look around and describe what you see.

Cliff, you're in the office, pal.

My pleasure.

Coffee, please, there, Sammy.

I told you watch out for her drinks. How many did you have?

Oh, I don't remember, Sam.

I don't remember much of anything

after the wooden lady laughed at me

and called me a half man.

Well, look at you guys.

I wonder how Woody's doing.

He was really knocking them back.

Nobody could drink that much

and end up feeling human, Sam.

Hey, everybody. Sorry I'm late. I was doing my NordicTrack.

Woody, you had as much of that vile brew as the rest of us.

How can you be so chipper this morning?

Well, it's because of the old Hanover hangover cure.

Very simple. First, put on your pajamas,

then, take an aspirin with a glass of cold water.

And then... you vomit till your nose bleeds

and heave until you see the angels.

Wake up in the morning, you feel brand-new.

Boy, I am hungry.

Anybody for some chili dogs?

Okay, okay, but only two.

Sammy, office. Quick.

What was that?

That was either Carla or the grim reaper.

Dear Lord, let it be the reaper.

Come on, talk to me, will you?

I can't even say it.

It's just the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my life.

You're scaring me, sweetheart.

Tell me what's going on.

Okay. Last night,

you know, I had a few of those drinks I made,

and I got loaded.

I warned you about that, didn't I?

I know, I know. Anyways, I kind of lost track of myself.

I think I went home with a guy.

Yeah?

It was a Cheers guy.

Oh, Sammy, Sammy, please, please,

tell me it was you.

I'm sorry, sweetheart. It wasn't me.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

The options that leaves are so horrifying!

All right, all right.

Wait a minute. Now, what do you remember?

I don't remember much.

Just slow dancing to Nat King Cole

and doing it till the sheets burned.

What else?

Got to think. Got to think.

Who was there?

All right, let's see. There's Frasier...

Frasier... I could live with that.

Who else?

Norm.

It couldn't have been him.

Even drunk, I think I'd remember that.

Woody?

- No. - No.

Well, I guess there's nobody else.

- Well, what about Cli-- - There's nobody else, Sam.

Come on, sweetheart, it's going to eat you up inside.

Why don't you go talk to each guy alone very subtly

and just ask them what they remember about last night?

Chances are, whoever it was, he'll be just as embarrassed

by the whole situation as you are.

- You really think so? - Yes, absolutely.

- That's worth a try. - Yeah.

Hey, Sammy,

you don't think any less of me, do you?

Well, let's see who it is first.

Hey, Fras.

Pretty wild last night, huh?

If you can call Lilith rescuing me

from accidental drowning in my toilet, "pretty wild,"

well, then, yes, life is a cabaret.

Hey, Norm.

Yeah.

Do you believe all that stuff

that happened last night?

I don't remember

a single thing that happened last night.

I do have a bad feeling, though.

Vera... made me breakfast in bed this morning.

Kept calling me, "Mr. Two Times."

Maybe it's best I don't remember.

Wood, remember anything about what happened last night?

Whatever it was, I missed it.

Spent most of last night listening to Phil tell stories

about how he worked on the Manhattan Project.

Try sleeping with that for 50 years.

Well, that's everybody.

Yeah, what about--

That's everybody, Sam.

Come on. Get out there. You've got to ask him.

You'll go crazy if you don't know.

Hey... Cliff...

So, how was your evening last night?

You ought to know, Carla.

It was F-U-N, fun.

How was it F-U-N, fun, Cliff?

Carla, I spent most of the night

in the back seat of a cab with yon Norm Peterson.

Now, if that isn't a recipe for fun,

I don't know what is.

You bet.

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

That's everybody, right? Jeez, I--

Unless...

Unless I met someone.

That's it! Mr. Right walked into the bar,

swept me off my feet,

and we made mad passionate love all night long.

Probably coming back for me tonight.

Could be right. I bet that's what it is.

It's got to be, because everybody here checks out, thank God.

I know I didn't miss anyone.

Hey, sexy.

Mona Lisa

Mona Lisa Men have named you

Aah!

Well, guys, guess who scaled Mount Paulie last night.

Paul, Paul, can I talk to you

in the office for a second, pal?

Oh, sure, Sammy, I get it.

Afraid of the new gunslinger in town, huh?

Yeah, that's right, Paul.

What's the idea, Sammy?

I got major dish for the guys.

Yeah, I know. Paul, listen, I...

I heard about what happened between you and Carla.

She's already been bragging about it, huh?

No, not exactly, Paul.

You know, it was wild, Sammy.

All that screaming and scratching.

You should see the nail marks.

They're all up and down her back.

Oh, my. Yeah...

Listen, I know what you want to do

is run out there and tell the guys,

but I got to remind you here, Paul,

a gentleman does not kiss and tell.

It's just not cool.

But you do it, Sam.

True, true, but I'm Sam Malone.

By definition, everything I do is cool.

You got a point there, but, Sammy, the whole thing is--

No, no, Paul, you don't understand.

Please, I got to ask you...

Keep this to yourself.

Sam, you just don't get it.

This kind of thing has never happened to me before.

Now, the one time it does happen,

I can't even crow about it just a little?

I know how you feel. All right, I tell you what,

why don't you crow in here with me

and get it out of your system?

Well, okay. It won't be quite the same, but...

Yes!

High-five, Sammy. The Paul-Monster!

Give me a "P"! Give me an "A"!

Give me a "U'! Give me an "I"!

P-A-U-L! Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul!

Through?

Think so, yeah.

Okay, we got a deal? You're not gonna tell the guys?

I won't tell them, but listen,

I don't know how you're gonna keep Carla from talking.

Well, I'll have this little conversation with her, too, okay?

Okay, good.

Hey, listen, while you're at it,

could you just tell her gently that...

...this was just a one-night thing?

Paulie don't need no clinging vines.

I'll let her down gently, Paul.

Hey, Paul, what was that you were talking about

getting lucky last night?

Oh, no, I guess I was making that up.

- Poor guy. - Yeah.

- Sometimes I feel sorry for old Paulie. - Yeah.

Maybe we should've invited him to come along with us last night.

Boy, did we have ourselves some fun or what?

What the hell did we do anyway?

The best way to reconstruct a night like that, Normie,

is to go through our pockets.

Yeah, here we go.

All right, here's a receipt for the pizza place.

I sort of remember that.

Twenty-four ninety-five at a bowling alley,

Two hundred bucks for the tattoo parlor,

and twelve bucks for the cab and the doughnut shop.

Say, Cliff...

What was that one between

the bowling alley and the taxi cab?

Fred's Tattoo Parlor.

Yeah, funny that should be in there.

Yeah.

I'll tell you what's on your butt

if you tell me what's on mine.

Let's get it over with.

Those guys spend way too much time together.

Okay, Cliff...

Do you want to tell me

what's tattooed forever on my butt?

It's a... big American flag there, Norm,

with the motto,

"God bless the US Post Office."

What... What's on mine?

A big heart with the words,

"I love Vera."

Guess they mixed them up, huh?

I assume so.

Beautiful workmanship.

You want me to come over and show Vera?

Thanks, but no.

In that case, would you mind coming down to the post office

and showing my supervisor?

No, no. I don't think so, Cliff.

Oh, come on, sweetheart,

it's not that big a deal.

So you slept with Paul.

You've gone to bed with a lot of guys before.

Not really, Sam.

I mean, I talk a lot, you know,

but when it comes right down to it,

I'm more talk than action.

But even when I did fool around,

I always knew their names.

I was always in control, you know?

Last night was the first time I ever lost control.

I stepped over the line.

I'm now officially a slut.

Come on. Don't say that.

As I told you, I talked with Paul.

No one's ever going to know.

Yeah, but I know, Sam.

This is a secret that I'm gonna have to live with

for the rest of my life.

Well, come on, sweetheart.

We all have to live with secrets.

Yeah, but not this bad.

What if I told you

that I had a secret a lot worse than this?

Oh, Sammy, how could you have

a problem worse? You're perfect.

You don't even know what the rest of the world is like.

Honey, I'm not perfect.

Oh, yeah, right.

All right. You really want to know?

Watch this.

Oh!

Holy mother of God. Sammy, you wear a rug.

It's not a rug. It's not a rug.

It's a hair replacement system.

Oh, Sammy, Look at you! You're bald!

All this time, the great Sam Malone's hair

is nothing but a fraud!

Hey, at least I didn't sleep with Paul!

Paul, schmaul. That's nothing.

Nothing? It was a pretty big deal a minute ago.

Yeah, well, that was before I found out you wear a piece.

Hair replacement system. Hair replacement system.

You know, if you're not going to use the proper terminology,

I think I'd just like to be by myself right now.

Sammy, I'm sorry.

It's just, you caught me by surprise.

Yeah, well, imagine how it caught me

when on the morning of August 12th, 1989,

I looked in the sink and...

I'm sorry. I thought I could talk about this.

Sam.

Sam, Sam, Sammy, it's okay.

So you're blowing your feathers.

It's not the end of the world.

Sure. You know, there's a lot more to Sam Malone

than just your great hair.

- Really? - Of course.

You're a great guy.

You're handsome and sweet.

Oh, don't say sweet.

What's the matter with sweet?

It's another way of saying bald.

Sammy. Sam, I mean it.

You are a terrific, sweet guy.

Anybody who would do what you just did

to make someone feel better

is just the best friend in the world.

You don't think any less of me?

Think any less of me?

No.