Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Oh! What's the rush, man?

I almost forgot. It's 6:00.

Today's my 15th wedding anniversary.

You're going out and buying Vera a present

before the stores close?

Happy anniversary, honey!

Sorry, Sammy. You were saying?

Okay, fellas, let's call it a night.

Boy, that's the longest day of my life.

Yeah? Why so tired, Sammy?

Oh, I didn't get a wink of sleep last night.

Ooh! All right!

No. Give me a break, will you?

Not everything I do in my life has to do with sex.

Sure, it does, Sammy.

Come on. Give us the details.

Well, I had silverfish all over my apartment last night.

Ooh! Silverfish.

Spent the whole night

rollin' up newspapers and swattin' them.

Oh! Kinky!

It got so bad there for a while,

I started rubbing ammonia on the baseboard.

Sammy, I don't know what that means,

but does she have a sister?

Hey, guys, I'm serious, man.

I got a real problem with insects in my place.

As a matter of fact,

they're tenting the whole building, you know,

and fumigating it for, like, 24 hours.

Ouch. Where you gonna sleep?

I happen to be spending the night with a very close friend of mine.

- Whoo! - Yeah!

Sam, you don't have to spend the night with one of your bimbos.

You can come over to my house. I have a foldout couch.

Awoo!

Yes. As nice as that offer sounds,

the alternative is

to spend the night with a stewardess

who's offered to bump me up to first-class.

Ooh! Whoo!

Hey, I had a stew once

I used to go out with.

Boy, was she wild in the sack.

What airline?

Shut up.

Well, Sam, if you change your mind,

you do have a place to stay.

Yeah. With all due respect,

we're not talkin' about your love life.

We're talkin' about my love life.

It will work out for Sammy.

If your ego needs a place to stay,

give me a call.

Of course it'll work out.

It's a stew, isn't it?

Boy, don't I know.

How do you know?

Shut up!

Hey, Wood, come on. I'll walk you to your car.

Good night, Sam.

Good night, Woody.

Oh, hey... Listen, Sam,

don't worry about that bug killer stuff.

They say to stay out for 24 hours,

but that's just overcautious.

They sprayed my buildin' once.

I went right back in.

Okay. Let's go.

Oh, by the way, Sam, listen,

I was meanin' to tell you,

don't worry about that bug killer stuff.

They tell you to stay out for 24 hours.

That's just overcautious.

They sprayed my building once. I went right back in.

Okay, guys, come on. Let's go.

All right, Sammy. Good night.

Hey, good luck with that stewardess, huh?

Swat a few silverfish for me.

Cliff ie, you just don't get it, do you?

No.

Oh, yes.

Ba ba ba

Hold on.

Here we are.

Hi, Sam.

Look at you. You wore your uniform.

What do you say

we lock ourselves in the bathroom

and relive our first meeting?

Oh, I'd love to, Sam,

but I just stopped by to tell you

I gotta be on a plane in 45 minutes.

No! Aw.

Well, heck.

Well, 45 minutes. That gives us plenty of time

to relive our first meeting. What do you say?

No, no, no. I've got to go.

That airport's a zoo.

50,000 Shriners are coming in for a convention.

Why don't they stay in their own country, huh?

Oh.

Oh. Yeah. Sorry. You just gotta...

There you go.

Good night.

- Thanks. See you when I get back. - Yeah. You bet.

Shoot, shoot. Well...

Oh. Oh. Oh. Wait. Wait.

Oh! Say, Julie!

Julie?

Honey, listen, I need a place to stay. Julie!

Oh, no.

Believe me, honey, you were wise to stay home.

This town is nothing compared to Cincinnati.

Yeah, I just... stayed in my hotel room, watched CNN.

I don't watch movies like that. You know that.

Excuse me. I gotta use the phone.

I locked myself out of my bar.

I gotta call my waitress to get the keys.

So could you hurry up, please?

Hey, look, I gotta run.

Honey, you know I wanted to bring you,

but none of the guys brought their wives.

Don't start. Don't start.

You're starting again.

Don't start.

Once she gets started...

Yes. What?

Yes, dear.

Carla?

Carla!

Oh.

I'm sorry, Hill.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

And now you do.

Oh, hold on.

Come on, hey! Let me in, will you?

I locked myself out of the bar.

I need to borrow Carla's keys.

Fine.

Carla!

Sam's here.

Hey, you know...

I could borrow your keys to Melville's.

Yes, you could. Carla!

Hey.

Hey. What's up, Sammy?

Well, I...

My date didn't turn out.

And I locked myself out of the bar.

So I need to borrow your keys.

You had my set.

No, I don't. Yeah, remember? Woody lost his,

so you gave him yours and then you took mine.

And then you lost yours again.

I do hope you haven't sold the movie rights

to this fascinating story.

Hey, why don't you go over to Rebecca's?

- I mean, she offered, right? - No, no, no. I said some stuff

I don't want her to throw back in my face.

Well...

Guess you could stay here for the night.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thanks.

Look, Sammy.

What?

No matter what you hear,

no matter how much I scream

or call for help,

do not open the bedroom door. Got it?

Ditto for me, too, Sam.

No, no, no.

Listen, maybe...

I tell you what, I know a guy. He's got a hotel near--

Fabulous idea.

Good night, Sam.

No. We have no rooms.

Every hotel is full.

There's a Shriners convention in town.

I... Stop bothering me!

If I have to deal with one more idiot,

tonight I'm gonna strangle him.

How may I help you, sir?

Hi. Steve workin' tonight?

Steve? No.

Steve hasn't worked here for the last six months.

He was unreliable.

Is there anything I could help you with?

Yeah...

This is pretty funny, Mario.

You're gonna get a big kick out of this.

See, I left my...

Left my wallet in my place of business,

and I don't have any credit card

or money or, for that matter,

any identification at all.

That's funny stuff, sir.

Look, the point is,

I'm gonna need a room,

and I can't pay for it tonight.

Oh, I see. You want one of our free rooms.

No, no. I can pay for it in the morning.

Well, whatever's convenient for you.

Now, would you like a suite or a room?

A suite would be great.

All right. Color TV? Sauna?

Well, sure.

Is that gonna be a queen or king-sized bed?

King, yeah, please.

And, Mario, non-smoking, if you don't mind.

But of course. And would you like me

to carry you to your room piggyback?

Oh, I see.

You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

If you'd spent the day

fending off joy buzzers and squirting carnations,

you'd be a mite cranky yourself.

So you're not gonna give me a room?

I don't have a room to give. Nobody in Boston has a room.

The entire town is infested with Shriners.

Now, if you're desperate for a place to sleep,

might I suggest you become a Shriner?

I'm not entirely sure how one goes about that,

but it appears to have something to do

with driving a tiny car

through the lobby of my hotel.

Can I use your phone, please?

Oh, but of course.

Would you like to call Australia?

Perhaps one of our new picture phones

will suit your needs.

Never mind, never mind.

Enjoyed your stay?

Why not tell a friend?

No problem, Sam. Mi casa es su casa.

Bless your heart, man.

I think I'll just stretch out on the couch here.

Oh, no. I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight.

Are you sleepin' on the couch?

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes when I come home late from Cheers,

I don't like to wake Vera up, so I just crash out on the couch here.

But you're always late at Cheers.

Yeah. How about that?

Oh.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Okay. All right. - Aw, bless you.

If you're that desperate,

I'll show you what a good friend I am.

Go ahead. Sleep on the couch.

I'll go sleep with my wife.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Well, here I go.

You're gonna let me do this, aren't you?

I'm so tired.

All right. You owe me big time, Malone.

Norm?

Norm, is that you?

Yes, dear.

You've come home to me.

Come here, lover boy.

Okay, Sam. There's some extra towels

by the sink in the guest bathroom.

Oh, God!

If there's anything else you need,

just let me know.

Don't worry about disturbing Lilith.

She's sleeping in the cellar.

In the cellar?

Yes, you can take the girl out of the eco pod...

Ah, thank you.

You bet.

Listen, that's it.

I'll just bid you a fond bonne Nuit.

Say...

Is that... is that Frederick?

Yes, that's Frederick--

Having a bit of a tantrum tonight,

trying to manipulate me, you see.

It's a common tactic of a four-year-old.

And as any good parent knows, the secret is to ignore it.

He'll have to cry himself out,

the little weasel.

Got good lungs, though, huh?

Well, night-night.

Oh...

Hey.

Hey, Freddie.

Can you hear me, Freddie?

It's Sam Malone. Uncle Sammy.

Say, Freddie,

you're kind of a big boy

to be throwin' a tantrum, aren't you?

You think you could hold off

until tomorrow morning?

Thank you.

Oh...

Oh, thank you, God.

I'm so tired, I'm desperate.

God, forgive me for this.

Sam!

Clifford! Look! It's one of your little friends!

I'm so sorry to come so late like this, Cliff.

It's just that I'm so very, very exhausted.

You know, the key and everything.

No apologies needed, young man.

You poor thing. So cold, and no muffler?

You could have caught your death.

You're always welcome here, Sammy.

You should know that, buddy.

Oh, Cliff ie, man, you're the best.

And you, too, Mrs. Clavin.

Oh, what a dear.

Now, I'll bet you're anxious to get some sleep.

Ha ha ha! Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, that's a pretty comfy bed there,

isn't it, Sammy? Huh?

Am I sharing the same bed with Cliff?

Well, of course, silly.

You didn't expect to sleep with me.

Yeah.

Well, this will be all right. This is fine.

All right, then. Nighty-night.

Good night, Ma.

Hey, Cliff,

this is probably one of those

things that we should just keep between the two of us,

don't you think?

Gotcha, Sam.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Clifford, wake your friend for prayers.

Oh. Sam.

- Sam, wake up. - Huh?

Oh. Yeah.

Dear Lord,

bless Clifford and me,

unworthy wretches that we are.

Bless the postal system

and keep it from harm

by helping it to detect the real loonies.

Bless our friends,

and thank you for letting Sam find succor here tonight.

Bless the late Mr. Clavin.

I know he's not in your vicinity

but rather roasting in hell on a spit--

On a spit reserved for those

who desert their families. Amen.

Amen.

- Sam. - Hmm?

Is there anyone special

you'd like the Lord to remember?

No, not particularly.

Well, don't be surprised

if he doesn't remember you.

Oh, please, please, can't we just go to sleep?

I'm so very tired. Please.

Great, Ma. Now you made my friend mad.

Any wonder I don't have anybody over?

Any wonder I don't have any friends?

Oh? You don't have friends because of me?

Me...

Who spent 36 hours

of the most painful labor

the hospital had ever seen?

There she goes.

If you think you're better off without me,

you're welcome to live by yourself.

Just see how long you can last.

Fine.

A day. I give it a day,

and that's during daylight hours.

Night falls, and it's, "Where's my mommy?"

Oh. Oh. Is that right?

Well, let me tell you, missy,

that it takes two to be co-dependent!

You're the enabler!

You're the enabler!

Oh! I'm the enabler, am I tonight, huh?

Like last night and the night before!

Well, you know why I'm the enabler?

Because you demand it!

Everything I do is wrong.

Is that it, Clifford?

Aw, Ma. I'm sorry.

Ah, well, don't-- Don't be upset.

I just push too hard.

No. I'm too domineering.

No, Ma. Ma, it's me.

- You know. Ah, it's me. - Sam?

Sam, which one of us is worse?

Can't we please go to sleep?

I suppose that is a good idea.

Good night, sweet precious.

Good night, Ma.

Don't forget the bathroom,

and turn off the light.

Right.

Oh, my God, Cliff.

What a nasty scene.

What was?

Nothing, nothing.

- Good night. Good night. - Good night, Sam.

Sammy.

Sammy.

Yes, Cliff?

You awake?

Yes, Cliff.

Hey.

Sam,

you know what's fun?

What's fun, Cliff?

Well,

when you take the letters of somebody's name

and make another word out of it.

You know, like if it were my name--

Clifford Clavin.

Well, first word that comes to mind is, say, "Ford."

Well, there's also "Cliff,"

you know, like, the geographical structure.

There's almost "clavicle."

"Livid."

Cliff ie, please.

Aw. Can't think of any?

I'm tryin' to sleep here, Cliff.

Sure thing, Sam. Good night.

How about, "florid"?

Come on, Cliff!

Damn it, man, I'm tired.

I'm really, really tired.

I'm trying to sleep here.

Can't you just stop talking?

For once, please stop talking!

I'm sorry, Sammy. I was just...

It's a problem I have. I...

You know, I try to stop talkin', and...

And I just keep on talkin'.

You know, it's kind of like those people

Who live near Niagara Falls, and...

After a while, they just don't hear it anymore.

I mean, I read an article about this couple.

They lived near the falls

for about 40 years or so,

and they moved away,

and the silence was just deafening.

They had to move back.

Couldn't stand it.

Why are some people like that and...

And just other people aren't, Sammy?

You ever think about that?

Sam?

Sammy?

Sam!

He's gone, isn't he, Clifford?

It's all your fault, old woman!

Rebecca?

Rebecca?

Sam, what are you doing here?

I thought you had a date.

Yeah, I did, but things didn't work out the way I expected,

so I thought I'd swing by here and take you up on your offer.

Oh. Old boring me?

I don't know how good that would be, Sam.

I wouldn't want to slow you down,

your great swingin' love life.

Please.

You have no idea what I've been through.

Yes, I do. Carla called.

And then Norm.

I've been sitting here for three hours eating popcorn

and watching movies, waiting for you to come by here.

Can I stay here? Can I go to sleep? Please?

Yes.

Oh... Thank you.

Sam, come on. Get up.

- Don't be a baby about this. - I'm so tired.

Oh, no.

No. No. No more "Oh, no's."

Not tonight. Please.

- What's wrong? - It's locked.

Well, so... call the super.

I am the super.

How about, "anvil"?

"Anvil' is a-- That's a good one. "Anvil."

Oh, no. We did that an hour ago.