Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Oh, Sammy, look who's here-- Harry The Hat.

Man, how many times am I gonna have to chase that guy out of here?

Grab your wallets, everybody.

- Hello, Harry. - Hey, Sam.

What you doing, trying to sell some bogus watches,

some knock offs to my customers and try to cheat them?

Sam, that hurts. This is no knock off.

That's a $5,000 Rolex, but it's on sale for 2,500.

- Is this a real Rolex, Harry? - Yeah.

Well...

Hey, sounds like a Rolex, doesn't it?

Oh, look at that.

It's still ticking, too.

Sam--

Hey, do me a favor.

Just take your bogus goods

and peddle them someplace else, will you?

So, Harry, are you interested in buying a watch?

No, but I think my friend Sam might be.

All right, but now, the band I'm looking for

is gonna have to be able to do

All the old Irish standards.

Yeah, "Danny Boy," 'Galway Bay," "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling."

That kind of thing.

Do you think you can you handle that?

All right then.

Okay, I'll get back to you.

Yeah, adios, to you, too, Manuel.

Bye-bye.

Oh, well,

I see you're getting an early jump on St. Patrick's Day.

Yeah, that's right. You know,

this time tomorrow when Gary's still decorating

Olde Towne Tavern, this place is gonna be open.

People are gonna be flooding in.

It's a good idea, Sam.

You're damn right.

Finally for the first time on St. Patrick's Day,

Cheers is gonna do more business than Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.

- Yes! - Yes!

I wouldn't be to sure about that.

He's beaten you ten years running.

I know, but I got a feeling.

You know, lucky 11.

We can't lose this time, Dr. Crane. We're pulling out all the stops.

We got two-for-one special.

We got balloons. We got a live Irish band.

We got Mr. Peterson

mixing up some green beer.

Oh, hey,

how's that beer coming, Normie?

You want it fast, or you want it good?

Come on, you've been working on it for three hours.

And I'm prepared to work on it all night long, Sam,

because, damn it, I care.

Normie, watch this.

Hey, Carla, are you through in there?

Hold your horses. I'm coming.

Shut up, everybody.

Hey, look, everybody, it's our little leprechaun, Brill O'Head.

Keep talking, Clavin.

You'll lose your left blarney stone.

Sam, this outfit is ridiculous.

I mean, I want to beat Gary as much as the next guy,

but I'm not wearing this, okay.

I think it kinda looks nice.

- Yeah, I think it looks kind of sexy. - That's it.

Please, please.

Hi, everybody. I've got great news.

I applied to the Boston League of Businesswomen.

And they might let me join.

Oh, who are they?

It's this very prestigious organization

that helps raise the stature of women in society

and that kind of crap.

Sam, I need a couple hours off tomorrow

because they want to interview me.

Honey, it's the busiest day of my year.

What difference does it make? She doesn't do anything anyway.

You know what? Why don't you take the whole day off?

You're a peach.

Hi, everybody.

Boo! Boo! Boo!

What the hell do you want here, Gary?

Well, in the spirit of St. Patrick's Day,

I thought I'd come over here and give you guys a chance to call off our little bet

and save yourselves the supreme humiliation.

I'll tell you what, Gary.

We're going to win this lousy bet this year.

Not only that, we're going to make

ten times more money than you. And you know why?

Because we got a strategy.

If you're so sure of yourself, Malone,

maybe you'd like to raise the stakes a little bit,

make it something more interesting than the usual 100 bucks.

What you got in mind?

Just a little something that the loser has to do.

What are you doing?

Oh, I don't know, Gary.

But...

Okay, well, if you're going to be a chicken about it.

No, I'm not being chicken, because we're gonna win anyway.

So, we got a deal.

All right, all right, yeah. But wait a minute.

What are the ground rules?

Malone, there's only one rule. No rules.

Just the way I like it.

Great. May the best man win.

Sam, may I have a word with you?

Yeah.

I strongly urge you to reconsider.

Listen, why do you think Gary's so willing to up the stakes?

It stands to reason that he thinks he's going to win.

No, no, he's bluffing.

What makes you think that?

Well, he's beat us ten times in a row,

and not one of those times has he raised the stakes.

He's running scared.

Well...

Don't I feel stupid?

All those degrees really don't do much,

do they, Dr. Crane?

Sammy, what's up?

I thought you wanted to get an early jump on Gary.

- Yeah, I did. That's why I'm here at 9:00. - 9:01, Sam.

Some of us were here at 9:00.

Relax, will you? It's in the bag.

I fixed it so Gary can't ever win.

- Yeah? - Yeah? What'd you do?

You're gonna love this.

You know that sign he's got outside his window--

"50 cent beer, St. Patrick's Day special?"

Yeah? Well, I added a zero.

I mean, who's gonna pay $5.00 for a beer?

Good one, Sam.

Yeah. Sometimes I scare myself.

It's 9:02, Sam. Let's go. Let's go.

Oh, right. Sorry.

$5.00 Beer.

Let's see him top that, huh?

See, now,

That's not right.

Gary did it to us again.

Walled off from the keg.

I want him dead, Sam.

His family-- Dead.

His friends-- Dead.

Oh, no, see,

this is the lowest thing a person can do.

This is pure evil.

Yeah.

Why can't we think like that?

Tell me about it.

I thought you left Woody here

to guard against things like this.

Sorry, Sam. I fell asleep.

They walled Woody in the bar!

Hey, Woody, you all right in there?

Well, I'm feeling lightheaded and woozy, Sam.

That's the way I want to feel.

Somebody tear this thing down!

New Armani. New hair.

Am I ready for the Boston League of Businesswomen

Or what?

I just have to get my resume, and then I'm on my way.

Is this in any way my fault?

No, sweetheart.

Okay, then wish me luck. Bye-bye.

Well, crisis solved.

Where'd you get the beer?

I got a few squirreled away around the bar, for emergencies.

I always kind of figured it would be a nuclear thing,

but I think this qualifies.

Where would you like us to set up, Mr. Malone?

Oh, hi, fellas.

Ac-- Yeah, why not?

I tell you what. Right over there. Thank you very--

Hey, Norm, come here. Carla...

Listen, we can still win this thing, right?

We got the green beer. We got the band.

All we got to do is get rid of this wall somehow

and hustle like there's no tomorrow.

All we need is a little winning attitude, right?

A little positivity.

Fellas, do me a favor,

play us little something to get us in the mood.

They broke into our Dublin home

The dirty English dogs

They took away my sister

And they beat my da with logs

Limey scum

Limey scum

I toss a bomb

But still they come

Everybody!

Limey scum

Limey scum

I toss a bomb...

And everywhere I looked

Was death, death, death

Everywhere I looked

Was death, death, death

And now...

For a sad song.

'Twas a baby's crib

That floated--

No, no!

No baby's cribs! Stop it!

Get the hell out of here, will you?

Take your money. Go on, get out.

Go to hell.

Let's face it. It's over, huh?

Might as well tally up and see what we got there.

Yeah, Woody, what's the total?

Well...

One million, five hundred thousand.

Decimal point, Woody.

Hold everything.

$150 even.

Hey, guys, bad news.

Just came from Gary's.

He's raking in the money hand over fist.

Then again, why shouldn't he?

I mean, he's charging five bucks a beer.

Looks like we lost again.

Well, Sammy, guess you're going to have to fork over that 150 to Gary.

Actually, we raised the stakes, remember, fellas?

- Oh, yeah, how much do you have to pay? - Well, it's not money.

It's... more like a little favor, actually.

Oh, yeah? What is it?

It's something that...

...people do every day.

I'm going to...

...need you three guys to help me out here.

Hey, just once I'd like to be included, huh?

All right, Paul. You're in.

Hey, thanks. I owe you, Sammy.

So what do we have to do?

It's no big thing really, Norm.

We just got to go over to Gary's and...

What?

It's no big deal.

Fellas, all we got to do is...

ls let him...

All right?

What?

Just get your coats and follow me. I'll tell you on the way over.

Sam, what's the big deal?

Why don't you just tell us what we have to do.

Alright, you gotta...

- Ohh! - Aah! Ohh!

Well, what do you think?

Let's get it over with.

Yeah, yeah, all right, Gary, go on, go on.

Okay, I want to see some big smiles.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Gary's Olde Towne Tavern has the privilege

of presenting an act so humiliating,

so embarrassing, so degrading,

that it could only happen to the men of Cheers.

Let's hear it for them!

Gentlemen...

Oh, yeah!

Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

And three...

And four and...

Getting to know you

Getting to know all about you

Getting to like you

Hoping that you'll like me

Haven't you noticed?

Suddenly I'm bright and breezy

Because of all the

Beautiful and new

Things I'm learning about you

Day

By

Day

Yeah!

That was the low point in my life.

Never, ever have I been naked

and not had fun.

I tell you, it was degradation.

I thought we were a lot tighter the second show.

How am I ever going to show my face in here again?

Paul, it's not your face that's burned into my memory right now.

You know,

I kind of found the whole thing quite exhilarating.

Exhilarating?

I meant humiliating.

It was really humiliating.

Guys, you've been really good to me,

so I'm going to be good to you.

You need a finish.

Oh, yeah, that's real funny. That's real funny.

I'll tell you something, man.

I'm going to get you.

I don't care how long it takes,

how much money it costs,

how many lives are lost.

I'm going to get you, Gary, once and for all.

Ooh, I hope not, because I'm still shaking

from that terrifying five-dollar-beer prank.

Yeah, well, I'm still going to get you.

Sammy, let's give it up.

No, never!

I tell you, I'm going to get that guy.

I don't give a-- Oh, you know...

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

There's one guy who can help us out here, fellas.

I'm calling in Harry the Hat.

Ah, yeah.

Now he's thinking.

You know, my underwear's a little tight.

That's funny.

You know, mine's a little loose.

- Aah! - Aah!

Let me get this straight. Over the years,

Gary has put sheep in your office,

had exterminators shut you down,

and then yesterday he built a brick wall around the bar

and had you perform naked?

Listen, we need your help bad, man.

I'm sorry, Sam. I'm not interested.

Oh, all right. Fine, fine.

What is your price?

No, I don't want your money, Sam,

besides, if I did, I could take it.

I kind of like you guys,

so let me give you a piece of advice.

Stop trying to top Gary.

You're never gonna beat him.

Face it, you're a bunch of losers.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's your nature.

You know, it's the way God made you.

You're part of his master plan.

If it weren't for you guys,

how would we know who the winners were?

Well, well, we're not losers.

All right, fine. Have it your way.

Woody, get me a beer.

Sure.

But don't forget to charge him, Woody.

Get some money out of him.

Yeah, all right, what do I owe you, Woody?

Well, that'll be two dollars.

You know, I got a lot of change here.

Will you take all this? Give me a 20.

Well...

Be careful there, Woody.

I think he's us pulling a flimflam,

- short change thing here. - Really?

Yeah, yeah. Count the money.

Oh...

No, this isn't right.

Yeah, see?

You gave me too much.

Huh?

That's your tip, Woody.

Oh, no. I'm not falling for that.

I'll just keep the $2.00 for the beer.

Yeah. You see, Harry?

We're not as stupid as you think we are.

No, I guess you're not.

Here's your wallet, Cliff.

Wow, he's good.

He's very good.

Who are we kidding, you guys?

We might as well just quit.

Hey, wait-- Wait a minute.

Well, what are you saying?

You mean after what Gary's done to us,

you're just going to roll over and die?

You're going to walk away, you're gonna be a quitter, Sam?

Yeah, Carla. That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

I'm going to quit. I'm tired of losing to the guy.

Tomorrow I'm gonna go over there.

I'm gonna make my peace with him once and for all.

Go, but I'm not letting him off the hook.

This is personal now,

and I don't know what, I don't know,

but I swear I'm going to do something to that guy.

Come on, Carla, we're willing to give in.

You should, too.

It's not like you had to dance naked over there.

No, but I had to look at it on videotape.

Gary's selling videotapes?

No. He's giving them away with every $5.00 beer.

Can you believe it?

The League rejected me.

Why?

Because they said I was too self-involved

and that I wasn't community-minded enough.

So now I have to spend the next six months

doing community service... Yawn.

Woody, get me a charity on the phone.

- Which one? - Well, how the hell do I know?

Just make sure it's close by.

And I don't want one that's real depressing.

And no weekends.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, Carla.

Carla...

I just came back from Gary's.

Wh-What were you thinking?

Are you crazy?

I really got him good, didn't I, Sam?

Got him good? Honey, we're in serious trouble here.

What are you talking about?

Malone, you went way too far this time.

You're gonna go to jail for this.

I swear to God, Gare, we had nothing to do with it.

What are you talking about?

Just yesterday you swore in front of witnesses

that you were going to ruin me. You said you'd do anything.

That's true, Sam. I was there.

What the hell were you thinking, Malone.

Did you think you were gonna get away with this?

Well, forget about it. I'm gonna call the cops.

Cops? Wait a minute.

Putting a rat in a heating system isn't even a misdemeanor.

Sweetheart, please. You're just making things worse.

Hey, my bar is ruined.

Please, man, don't bring the cops into this.

Listen, I'm begging you. I'm on my knees here.

No, you're not.

Oh...

Please, Gary.

Oh, and this is supposed to be enough?

Help me out here, will you, fellas?

Come on.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sam...

Ha ha! Gotcha!

That's news.

- What's-- What's going on here? - You fell for it. It was a trick.

What do you mean, a trick? I saw your bar being bulldozed.

Somebody bulldozed your bar?

I bulldozed my bar.

You see, I sold my property to a commercial developer.

He's gonna put a shopping center on my old spot.

I'm getting a million bucks for it.

But the best part is

You guys have humiliated yourselves

at the feet of the master one last time.

Well, the joke's on you.

We happen to need a shopping center in this area.

Sam, hey, I hope you don't mind,

but since I don't have a bar anymore,

I invited the developer over here to, you know, help me celebrate.

Sam, I'd like you to meet your new neighbor--

Rutherford Cunningham.

Real nice place you have here.

Nice to meet you. Sam, is it?

Yeah.

A bottle of your finest champagne.

Cheers.

Oh, Gary, phone's for you. The bank.

Oh, Sam, do you mind if I take that in your office?

It's big business, that sort of thing.

Sure.

The bank's not used to million-dollar deposits. Ha ha ha!

Well, Sam,

good to see you again.

Now, what's that I heard about the finest champagne?

Did you do this?

Did you destroy his bar?

No, I didn't.

Gary did.

He's the one who hired the bulldozer.

Me, I'm just an interested land developer

who's going to come up

a little short on funds.

Say about a million bucks short.

I have the same problem with the decimal point.

Aah!

Excuse me.

I believe that's the sound of my check bouncing.

Mr. Cunningham?

Where's... Mr. Cunningham?

He left.

Why, Gary?

Oh, no reason.

Oh, man.

Oh, you are terrific.

Ohh!

You guys ever need any more help,

you just give me a call.

Oh, thank you, Harry.

Don't mention it.

I guess I've always had a soft spot for you lunkheads.

How are we ever gonna pay you back?

Sam, you already have.

Aw,

what a guy, huh?

Wonder what he meant by we already have paid him back.

Oh, I don't know.

Probably that warm spirit, the camaraderie.

You know, stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah. He stole all my money.