Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, Sam. Sorry I'm late. I had to stop at the drugstore.

- That's okay, Woody. - Yeah.

I had to make another embarrassing trip to the drugstore

to get a little, uh...

- Protection? - Yeah.

You know, Kelly and I want to have a family and all,

but we figured we'd wait until after that raise you promised.

I hope you got a lot of protection.

Well, as usual, you know, I'm a little embarrassed and nervous

when I go in there, so I buy a whole bunch of stuff

so it doesn't look like I'm just trying to getting some, you know.

- Protection. - Yeah, so I got some paper plates,

batteries, flashbulbs,

Skoal,

a little gum,

Chia Pet,

oh, eyeglass repair kit...

Yeah.

Oh! Notebook paper,

and VO5.

Where's the, uh... Where's the protection?

See you in about an hour, Sam.

Hey, Ma.

Hey, look who's here.

Serafina!

- What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.

You're pregnant.

Carla, that is a rude and unfair thing to say.

There's a million reasons why your daughter would want to talk to you.

I am pregnant.

Then again, you raised a slut.

Sit down. Sit down.

Oh, God. First of all,

are you getting sick in the mornings?

A little bit, but I haven't had to "Clavin,' if that's what you mean.

And to answer your next question,

no, it wasn't planned.

Oh, Serafina.

I have been praying that this day wouldn't come,

but I can't say I'm all that surprised.

In fact, I have this little speech

I've been carrying around in case it did happen.

"Dear Serafina, soon you will be 14

and able to think for yourself."

Mom...

I'm 18.

That's right. You are.

None of this applies.

Jeez.

So do you know who the father is?

Yes.

Oh, honey, I'm so proud.

It's Pat McDougall, the guy I've been going with.

Isn't he that retired cop

- who's just living off his disability? - That's right. And now he wants to marry me.

- Do you love him? - Yes.

Then don't marry him.

What?

The worst thing you can do, Serafina, is marry for love.

You know, when I first met your deadbeat father Nick,

I loved him, too.

Even when he knocked up my sister, I said,

I said, "Hey, look. The guy is just trying to get in good

with the family at my wedding."

But for the next ten years,

all he did was cheat on me, treat me like dirt, and keep me in maternity clothes.

Mom, it's not like that. Pat's a good man.

He loves me and I love him and we want to build a life for our baby.

Please, give us your blessing.

Well, you're not going to get that alimony by staying single.

Mom, you're the best!

Hey, my daughter's getting married!

This will be interesting. Finally a wedding where I don't envy the bride.

Thanks, Ma. You won't regret this. And listen, Pat and I are going to pay for the whole thing.

Oh, no, no, no. You are my daughter and you're in love,

and I'm going to make you the best reception I can.

We're pulling out all the stops.

You know, there is an elegant, tasteful restaurant upstairs,

and as luck would have it, I am boinking the owner.

Hey, Hill. It's Carla.

Come on down here, we got to talk.

Hey, what are you doing? Come on.

You don't have to have it up there. Have it down here at Cheers.

Oh, no, no. We can have the reception here, but we got to have the ceremony upstairs.

- Why? - Every wedding we have at Cheers is a disaster.

Remember, you and Diane? This place is jinxed.

No, it's not. You're just thinking of the bad ones.

What about Barry and Joanne?

Barry, come here. Barry, how's it going with you and Joanne?

Where have you been, in a cave?

All right, Ms. Tortelli, just what is it?

My daughter Serafina has just announced she's getting married.

Congratulations. When's the baby due?

Here I come, mom. Get ready.

What do you think?

Hey, that's great, Serafina. You look great.

Kind of sleazy for a wedding outfit.

Sam, that was my wedding dress.

When I say sleazy, I mean sleazy in a beautiful young bride kind of way.

Carla, is that Cap'n Gus and his polka pirates?

It's my daughter's wedding, isn't it?

Ah, Ms. Tortelli, there you are. An hour behind schedule, I see.

You're as prompt as you are lovely.

And what do you want, Hill?

Oh, by the way, you have your toupee on wrong.

The hair goes on the outside.

Ms. Tortelli, I'm here to remind you

that this wedding must be over by 11:30 on the dot,

- that's when I open for lunch. - You open for lunch at noon.

I know your family. They leave at 11:30,

at 11:31 the Orkin Man arrives.

And please also remind your guests

That even though this is a wedding, it is still a restaurant.

No shoes, no shirts, no service.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Kelly.

I'll go put this on the gift table, Woody.

Hey, Woody, what did you get for the happy couple?

Uh, well, strictly between you and me...

I went up in the attic,

dug up one of our wedding gifts.

One of the ugliest things I ever saw. We couldn't wait to get rid of it.

Ah, yeah, so you just thought

you'd pass it on to the happy couple, huh? Good thinkin'.

So what is it?

Oh, a set of Star Trek steak knives.

Woody!

Damn it, that gift was from Lilith and Me!

They're delightfully whimsical and very utilitarian.

I-I'm sorry, Dr. Crane. I didn't realize.

Well, all right, Woody, to tell you the truth,

I was doing the same thing you were doing.

Fobbing off a gift that we thought was the worst thing we ever got.

Thanks a lot, Frase. That was from Vera and me.

You and Vera gave those away?

You'd better not tell Ma!

Hey there. Remember me?

Yes, I do. You're Carla's son Gino.

And I did not appreciate the nude photos of yourself that you sent.

You know, it's the best I could do with the machine at the mall.

Gino, would you forget about it?

I am not going to go out with you. You're much too young for me.

Yeah, right. Coo-coo-cachoo, Miss Howe.

Thanks for everything, Ma.

Oh, honey. You know, I got to admit

that I wasn't too crazy about this at first,

but after spending this last week getting the wedding ready

and being with you and everything,

I gotta say, it's been the best week of my life.

Me, too.

Am I on time for the nuptials?

Daddy!

Nick.

Oh, my little girl, you look so beautiful!

Are those implants?

Carla, it's been a fortnight.

You coloring your hair?

I cannot believe this.

What else could possibly go wrong?

Hi, gang at Cheers.

Sorry I'm late, but I had to park the car,

and then I had to walk from the car to here.

How did you find out about this?

My cousin Eddie called me.

He told me he read it in the paper,

so I figured my invitation got lost in the mail.

Daddy, I'm so glad you're here.

I can't wait for you to meet my fiancé.

Stay right here, I'll bring him down.

Hey, Nick.

Hey, Sam!

Hey! You are not welcome here.

Now you just do us all a favor and leave, okay?

You have no right to be here.

I have a right to be here.

I am the father of the bride.

I have a responsibility to give away the hand of the betrothed.

It's what's called "loin entitlement."

You smelly little wart.

See, Kelly? We're not the only couple who has cute little nicknames for each other.

Carla, I have to be honest with you.

When I heard about this wedding,

I was very hurt that you excluded us.

After all, a marriage is a time for forgiveness and healing.

We drove 22 hours to get here.

We even bought a beautiful present.

It's a set of Star Trek steak knives.

Anyway, I have a right to be here.

I'm going to stay.

Yeah? You can just drive 22 hours back.

Oh, come on, Carla. It took him so long to get here.

And, you know, he is her father.

Oh, fine. Fine.

You want Nick to be at my daughter's wedding?

Well, you can have him. Just have a great time!

Oh, come on, Carla.

Ah, women, women. Isn't it enough we sleep with them?

So, uh...

Nick, what have you been up to lately, huh?

All, well, we still live in the glamorous environs of Las Vegas,

although we recently did move.

We didn't like our old neighborhood,

so we just drove our house to a better one.

Yeah, well, uh... so how's the career going, Nick?

You know, last time we chatted,

you were talking about marketing some kind of...

slot machine for the home.

Oh, yeah. "Flush and win."

It was a great idea. The only problem is,

the people had a difficult time retrieving their change.

Yeah, but I'm onto something very big now.

And this is an opportunity for me to include you, my friends,

in this future affluence.

Well, you know how I hate to be apart from Vera.

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Hear me out.

I know I've had some crazy schemes in the past,

but this is then and that was then and this is now.

This is completely legit.

I have an opportunity

to purchase an orangutan act.

Did he say purchase, or join?

I just need a couple of backers!

Hear this!

Three apes, some banana oil,

and a broad that's had all her shots.

Nicky, we missed you, lad.

Say, uh, Nick...

You want somebody to invest in that act of yours in Vegas,

you ought to go talk to blondie over there.

Yeah, she's loaded.

Thank you. Listen, you come to Vegas, you're comped.

Excuse me, young man.

Hello, Miss.

I'm Nick Tortelli.

Hello, I'm Kelly Boyd.

I can tell by, uh, your gander

that you have, uh, taste and discernment.

Thank you.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Opportunity.

Opportunity who?

This is going to take some time.

People, people, it's getting late.

Now, nobody admires the sight of a beautiful young bride more than I,

but the lunch rush is the lunch rush.

Say, John, I'd bet you'd like to meet Carla's first husband.

Oh, my God!

Nice to meet you.

Please. My profession requires that I handle food.

Daddy...

This is my fiancé, Pat.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Enough of the chitchat. step into my office.

How do you propose to, uh, support my progeny?

Well, I'm a retired police officer

and currently living off disability.

What is the nature of your injury?

Whiplash.

Very good. difficult to disprove.

You're very bright.

Thank you, sir.

Bright enough to invest?

Pardon me?

Bright enough to place your future

and the future of your entire progeny...

In an orangutan act?

Come on, Carla, don't do this.

He has no right to be here.

I raised those kids. He just split.

Yeah, I know that.

I made all the sacrifices.

I had to bear all the burden. He did nothing.

Nothing.

Well, what are you gonna do, you know? The guy's here.

Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Sam...

Those kids are all I got, okay?

- I know. - They're all that matters to me.

He doesn't care about that. He doesn't care who he hurts.

Sam, Sam, could you hurry it up a bit?

Cap'n Gus has just played the Polka version of Hava Nagila.

He's managed to insult two cultures.

I'm not doing any good here.

- Please, talk to her, will you? - All right, Sam. Uh...

Carla, look, I know what you're going through.

I mean, you've sacrificed your whole life for your kids.

And now on the big day, Nick swoops in and tries to hog all the glory.

Look, it happens all the time.

One parent uses the child as leverage against the other.

- Really, Doc? - Oh, yes, yes.

Often in a broken marriage,

the child becomes nothing more than a helpless pawn

in the war between the two adults.

Of course, that hasn't happened with Lilith and myself because she's gone,

but, uh...

She'll be back.

Oh, I know she'll be back. You know why?

'Cause I have Frederick.

Yes, sir. He's my little trump card.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

He is, you know. I have a plan.

- You're Nick, right? - Yes.

I'm Rebecca Howe. I work here in the bar with Carla.

And I just want to say, you must be very proud.

- Oh, I'm proud. - Yeah.

And, you know, the last thing that I would want to do is introduce a dark note,

but if you don't get your hand off my butt, you're going to lose it.

Sammy, how'd it go in there?

Oh, not good. She refuses to come out. I don't know.

Don't worry about it, Sam. I'll handle it.

Carla at times can be very obdurate.

She also can be very recalcitrant...

intransigent...

and immovable.

Nicky got one of those word-a-day calendars.

We played word games all the way from Las Vegas.

I'm insipid.

Carla.

Go home, Nick. You don't deserve to be here.

Carla, listen, I understand your feelings very well.

I know some people probably thought I was a bad father,

and maybe I was and maybe I wasn't. And maybe I was!

I speak to you

from the bottom of my heart and guts,

that these last few years without family

has been very empty for me.

All I've had is Loretta. No offense.

None taken.

I've come to learn that the most important thing is family.

Yeah, I know I come at this late date for Serafina's wedding,

but I thought it would be a first step in realigning myself with my offspring,

and then becoming truly a paternity figure.

So you want to be a father?

You want to get back in your kids' lives, huh?

Absolutely.

Come on over here.

Let's go.

Over here we have...

Ten kids.

Some of them are yours.

Identity three and you can stay.

Otherwise, you're out of here.

Is this a test?

You are stalling.

Ah... give me some time to gather my momentum.

So, Miss Howe, we got five minutes. You want to tear one off?

That's mine!

Okay, that's one.

Hugo, my beloved!

Hugo!

Sorry, Nick. that's not your kid.

You know, you people could help me.

I wouldn't be much good. I thought your last selection was correct.

I think it's about time. Let's start the ceremony.

Oh, that's Serafina. she's one of mine.

Ah, forget it, Nick. Let's face it. You can't do this.

Loretta.

Hit the road. Go on, kids, go on upstairs, get ready for the ceremony.

- Come on, let's go. - What's happening?

Your mother doesn't feel I belong here.

She says I'm unwelcome.

Mother! You can't send Daddy away

on the most important day of my life.

Listen, Serafina, you gotta understand--

No, this is not about you.

It's about me, my wedding, my day.

Have a nice life, baby.

Wait one minute, Daddy.

Look, Ma, I know all the things you've done for me.

I know you don't like Daddy, but like him or not, but he is my dad.

I know he's been a bad father.

Never around when you need him,

a louse, a jerk, a liar...

a deadbeat.

You tell her, honey.

But all my life, I've always pictured that someday

I would walk down the aisle on my father's arm,

just like any other girl.

Not like any every other girl, Serafina.

My father wasn't there to give me away.

And how did that make you feel, Ma?

Pretty rotten.

Sayonara, Serafina.

Aw, wait, Nick.

So you can stay.

Really?

Thanks, Ma.

Look, you, listen.

You do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding,

and I will choke you until your eyes bug out.

Just like The Waltons.

What are you doing the rest of your life?

The North and South and East and West of your life...

Carla, that's our kid out there.

She's pregnant, and she's married to a retired cop.

We must've done something right.

Yeah. Maybe our other kids will turn out okay, too.

Yeah, it's my most fervent wish.

Cheers.

Oh. Just a second. Mr. Tortelli, it's for you.

For me?

Hello?

What!

What? When?

A-a-a-all right! I'll be on it!

Loretta, let's go!

What's the matter?

One of the orangutans went nuts and bit a kid.

I gotta rush to Vegas before they put him to sleep.

The orangutan or the kid?

I didn't ask!

Thanks again for everything, Mommy.

I'm happy.

Serafina...

I really want to apologize

for the way I acted this afternoon.

And I promise I'll be on my best behavior

at your next wedding.

Aw, Ma!