Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

This particular kind of granite comes from Barre, Vermont.

- Get out, really? - Yeah.

You can take a tour of their whole operation up there.

Yeah?

- Ask for a guy named Aesop. - Yeah.

You can tell him I sent you. He'll do you right.

- Set me up? - Sure, you see, it's got the--

Excuse me, sir!

This man obviously mistook the uniform of the United States Postal Service

for one of a common valet there, Norm.

- Now that you mention it, Cliff-- - Mistake or not though,

the man has entrusted a valuable possession

to one who proudly wears this uniform.

As long as that man is in that restaurant,

I cannot shirk the responsibility he has laid upon these shoulders.

What are you gonna do, just hang here for a couple hours while the guy eats?

Norm, my friend, this is a Jaguar.

Jaguar plus postman equals...

...adventure.

Let's do it.

Hey, Cliff ie, what you doing?

I'm filling out an application for the Boston Marathon.

It's something I do every year.

What do you mean? You run in the Boston Marathon?

No. I just get the free T-shirt.

It impresses the girls down at the gym.

Wait, wait, wait. You work out in a gym?

No. I just hang out in front with the T-shirt.

Hey, listen to this. According to the TV Guide,

They're playing an old Red Sox game on Play Ball later.

What is Play Ball?

Well, it's this show on channel 58.

They replay classic Red Sox games.

Say, listen, Sam.

This is one of your games, yeah.

"July 14, 1975, relief pitcher Sam Malone."

Sammy, what do you say we make an evening out of it?

Popcorn, pretzels, beer, gather around the old TV set.

All right, sounds like a nice change of pace.

Yeah, what the hell. That sounds like a nice idea.

Say, honey, can you do me a favor?

Can you hand me the baseball almanac under the bar?

I was drinking a lot back in those days.

There's something about 1975 I don't remember.

- What's that? - The summer part.

I don't want to see a game where I embarrass myself.

All right, here we go.

July 14, '75, Red Sox vs. the Orioles.

Red Sox won.

Right!

I pitched three innings. I must've been okay that day.

- Good. - Yeah.

Great. Fellas, yeah. Let's have a party here.

All right!

Finally, you're going to see why Sammy's so famous.

Actually, we don't get the channel that shows why Sammy's so famous.

Cheers.

Hi, Vera.

No, Vera. I'm sorry. Norm's not here.

Can I take a--

It's an emergency?

All right, all right.

You're not going to believe this, Vera, but Norm just walked in.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

How are you doing, Mr. Peterson?

Hi, honey. What's the problem?

What? An IRS audit?

No, it can't be this afternoon.

They've got to give you at least three, four notices.

This is the fourth notice?

All right. Look, don't worry about it.

Listen, as long as you're checking the mail...

...could you check to see if the Victoria's Secret catalog came in?

It did? Good, just hold onto it, okay?

And for God's sakes, don't order anything.

- Hey, Norm, what are you doing? - Just getting prepared.

I'm going to bury this auditor in paperwork.

I got phony receipts, I got a postdated diary.

I got fake mileage logs, the works.

Why are you meeting the auditor here?

Old trick, Rebecca. You meet the enemy on your own turf.

Yeah, that's very smart there, Norm. Very smart.

Let me give you another hint.

Keep the authority figure on your own eye level.

- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

- It intimidates them. - Really?

Yeah, sure. Whenever I get stopped by a policeman,

I get out of the car and face him eye to eye.

That's good thinking, Clavin.

And you know another good thing to do

is reach into your vest pocket real sudden like.

Give the cop a good start. That way he won't push you around.

Thank you very much, Carla.

Just planting the seed.

Look at all this stuff. Just take a look at all this stuff.

When she sees this, she's gonna crumble.

- Did you say she? - Yeah.

What are you worried about?

What do you mean?

All you got to do is flirt with her a little.

- Right. Flirt? Me? - Yeah.

Come on. I haven't flirted with a woman since I met Vera.

Actually, I think she killed the part of me that flirts.

Well, I mean, you can do it.

You compliment her a little. You sweet-talk her.

Before you know it, she's putty in your hands.

Yeah, right. Would you flirt with an IRS agent?

I do it with the tollbooth guy.

I'm looking for Norm Peterson.

And you are?

Dot Carroll, IRS.

He's right over there in the corner.

Ouch.

Ms. Carroll, I've been looking forward to meeting you.

After all, I'm an accountant myself.

And I should be interested in that because...

No reason. No reason at all.

Is there someplace we can talk?

Yes, the office there.

I think you'll find that everything's in perfect order.

It better be. I just spent two hours with some horse's ass

who tried to play the old fake receipts and diary on me.

Can you believe it?

Ouch.

Okay, fellas. Bring it on in here.

Put it over there under the other television and plug it in for me.

What's with the big screen?

Some channel is playing one of Sam's baseball triumphs tonight.

Here, see for yourself.

Sammy, can I talk to you for a minute?

You betcha.

You know, about this game that's on tonight?

Do you remember what happened?

Yeah. I won.

Sam, this was in your drinking days.

I mean, this is the game where you thought the Orioles' mascot

was a huge mutant bird.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, remember?

You threw a fastball at him.

You hit him right between the eyes, and gave him a concussion.

What would you do if you saw this gigantic bird coming at you?

Would you just let it attack you and peck your eyes out?

Come on, it took you three years to live it down.

You really want these guys seeing it all over again?

Shoot, shoot.

Sammy, all set for the big game tonight?

Hey, all right! A big-screen TV!

Sammy, we ordered a bunch of pizzas.

Say, fellas.

Listen, you don't want to watch that silly old game, do you?

Let's see what else is on at 8:30.

Hey, here you go. Look at this.

Magilla Gorilla!

Yeah! Yeah!

$500 to have your nails wrapped?

Yeah. Yeah. I have a very low calcium count.

According to these receipts, you had a lot of business dinners

with a "C. Clavin."

He's a very important business client.

I constantly have to wine and dine the guy.

I certainly hope he enjoyed his three Whoppers.

I believe he did, yes.

Mr. Peterson, about this work diary from 1989...

Yeah.

I'd be willing to bet that if I took this to my office for an analysis,

they would discover the ink's not more than 30 minutes old.

So, you're going to try to penalize me for copying it over for neatness?

- Mr. Peterson. - Yeah.

As an accountant, I'm sure you're aware that the penalty

for defrauding the United States government is imprisonment.

This conversation just took a left turn.

Fake receipts. Phony diary.

Mr. Peterson, you are in very big trouble.

I can't believe I'm hearing this from someone as...

Doggone it, as...

...as lovely as yourself.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Come on, just take a look at you.

You got the sculpted cheekbones, those smoldering eyes.

A voice any man could get lost in.

You're not giving yourself enough credit, Ms. Carroll.

I mean, surely I'm not the first man who's ever said these things to you.

I think I know what's going on here, Mr. Peterson.

- What? - I wasn't born yesterday.

I know when someone's making a pass at me.

Let me tell you this, buster.

You're coming on to an official of the United States government,

an auditor for the internal Revenue Service.

This meeting is over...

...stud.

We'll continue this audit in my hotel room.

Ritz-Carlton, room 147.

Meet me there tonight.

And PS... I play rough.

As far as I'm concerned,

you got it made in the shade with this IRS chick.

Not only do you get out of jail free, but...

you get a little action on the side.

High five!

Nobody.

Okay.

Well, Miss Ann Landers, are you happy? I took your advice.

I flirted with the woman, now she wants to sleep with me.

What do you suggest now?

I suggest you keep the lights off.

Thank you.

Well, I say sauce for the goose.

At last a male is being sexually harassed.

Let this be a lesson to us.

I mean, how many of us have in our lives, in some small way,

depersonalized a member of the opposite sex?

Mangos, two for a buck!

You see? That's exactly the kind of boorish behavior I'm talking about.

Hey, Sam, how's it going back there?

All I got to do is undo these two wires, and the fellas will never see the game.

Sam, are you okay?

I just remembered. I fought in the Civil War.

You know, I think you busted the TV.

What happened?

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Fellas, I was trying to make the color just right on the TV

for the big game, and something blew.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys.

Don't worry about it. They're bound to show it again.

It was a hell of a game. I was pretty good in it, too, fellas.

Don't worry, Sammy. We can watch it on the regular TV.

No, no. Put that down. Put that down.

I forgot to tell you, fellas, that I was working on that TV earlier,

trying to get the color just right for the game, and damnedest thing,

it blew as well as the big screen there.

I guess we're just not meant to see this game, huh, fellas?

That's okay, Sammy. We can see it on my little Watchman.

Where did that thing come from, Paul?

I take it with me everywhere.

You can run on batteries, or I plug it into my cigarette lighter in my car.

Paul, you watch TV in the car?

I don't like to miss my stories.

Can I see that?

Look at that. I'll be damned. That's a beauty. I guess you just--

I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

Paul, I'll-- I'll replace it.

It's $300.

No, I meant the beer, Paul.

Sam, your behavior leads me to one of two conclusions--

A, you're trying to keep us from seeing that game,

Or B, you've suffered a small cerebral vascular accident.

What the hell's going on here, Sam?

All right, I'll-- I'm sorry, fellas.

It's just I don't want you to see the game.

I made a real idiot out of myself.

I was drunk that night when I was pitching,

and I kind of got mad at the Oriole mascot.

Well, I skulled him.

Sammy, are you talking about that big stupid bird

that used to dance around on top of the dugout?

Actually, Alan, it turns out that's a man in a bird's costume.

Anyway... See, I just...

Well, I'm real embarrassed about it.

It'd mean a lot to me if you guys didn't watch the game.

I don't want to be remembered like that.

We understand, Sam.

Yeah, Sammy, all you had to do was say something.

It's okay, Sam, really.

Thanks a lot, guys. That means a lot to me. Thank you.

Carla, give these guys a drink on the house.

Thanks a lot, fellas. Thanks a lot.

Looky here.

Paul, you got two of those?

Yeah, I always keep one charging.

So, Norm, decided what you're gonna do?

One thing's for sure.

I can't just sleep with some woman so she'll go easier on my tax audit.

Norm, I've known you a long time and I consider you a friend.

I just want you to know I got connections.

They might be able to make it a little easier for you.

- You mean people in the IRS? - No, prison.

Right. Thanks a lot.

Of course, if I tell this woman that I'm not really attracted to her,

she'll get so angry, I will wind up in prison.

Well, relax, Norm. I've been brainstorming.

I've come up with a plan.

Yeah? I'm desperate. I'll try anything. Come on.

Tell you what, here's the plan. I go to the hotel in your place, right?

I reach in, flick off the lights, Say "Room service for Dot Carroll."

In the meantime, I got a big bagful of wild squirrels

with sparklers attached to their tails.

I drop them in the room, they run around terrified,

setting off the alarms and the sprinklers.

In the ensuing hubbub, she forgets all about her little date with you.

Trust me. You think a cold shower's a mood killer?

Try a bag of wild squirrels.

Thanks, Cliff, but you don't have to go to the trouble.

That's all right. I already got the squirrels.

Thank you, but no.

Okay, okay.

- Norm, I got an idea. - What?

Why don't I just pick up the phone and call Vera

and tell her what's going on?

No, listen, she'll run over to the Ritz-Carlton

and burst into the room before anything can happen.

This way, Dot can't get angry at you, and you'll be off the hook.

Then Dot tells Vera how I came onto her.

Either way, I spend the next ten years sleeping on a cot.

Well, Norm, you could get someone to impersonate Vera.

Thanks, Frase, but I doubt that Ed Asner has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

Well, I was thinking more along the lines of...

...a friend in the bar.

Come on, Carla. This was your idea in the first place.

- Help me out. Come on. - And why should I?

You haven't left me a tip in 15 years.

Frankly, I never felt the service was all that great.

Come on, now. You gonna help me or aren't you?

Forget about it!

All right, fine. Fine. I'm on my own.

Just go over to the hotel and throw myself at her mercy.

I'll plead with the woman. I'll beg her.

I'll say how wrong it is for her to force me to do this.

What the hell, it worked for me on my wedding night.

I'll make this short and sweet.

When I say "go,' you tear off my clothes and you can't use your hands.

Well, hell, come on in.

Enough foreplay. Let's be sheet meat.

Did I tell you that I was married?

Congratulations. Let's celebrate with a roll in the hay.

There were some things I said to you this afternoon that I really--

Don't worry. I'll be gentle.

Drop trou on three. One, two--

- Who the hell's that? - I'll get it. I'll get it.

It's me, Vera. Your wife! What are you doing in there?

Norm, you better not have a woman in there.

Honey, honey.

Vera, now... calm down. Calm down, honey.

Dot, I'm so sorry.

- How could you? - I couldn't help myself.

How could you?

Let me put your mind at rest, Mrs. Peterson.

- Nothing happened. - Thank God.

Well, I guess that's it. We better go.

- Aren't you a waitress in that bar? - What?

I don't believe for a second that you two are man and wife.

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm Vera Peterson, Norm's wife.

Okay, if you two are so happily married,

let's see a big, open-mouthed, sloppy kiss.

Right now.

- We don't have to do that. - That's right.

That's for the privacy of our boudoir.

If I don't see some evidence of your happy marriage,

I'm gonna go through your receipts with a fine-toothed comb.

Honey?

I'm sorry, Norm. You're gonna fry.

Okay, Peterson, what's going on?

All right, Dot.

All right, I'm gonna be honest with you.

That wasn't my wife.

My wife is probably home in bed.

The truth is, Dot, I'm not a very good husband.

I hardly spend any time at all with Vera.

We never talk.

I don't know her birthday.

I don't know when our anniversary is, but I don't cheat on her.

That may not sound like much to you, but to me it's the difference

between being a bad husband and being a bad person.

So, go ahead, do your worst.

Throw the book at me.

I should have known.

I scared you away, didn't I?

I'm always scaring men away.

What is it about me?

Don't just stand there, tell me!

You could lighten up a bit.

I mean, you do come on sort of strong. And while we're at it,

you could cut back to three or four packs a day.

I do it to stay thin.

Want one?

This isn't about me, okay?

I guess I'm just not used to somebody saying nice things to me.

Well, I could start right now. All right?

I believe that underneath that gruff exterior,

you're probably a very nice, warm, caring person.

And I say that knowing you're probably gonna throw me in jail.

You're not going to jail, Norm.

I wouldn't throw a decent man like you in jail.

Thank you, Dot.

Better head back to Cheers.

You want to stay here and talk a while?

I probably shouldn't.

- I got a minibar. - Well, if you need a friend...

That would be nice, just you and me, talking.

Room service for Dot Carroll.