Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hi, this is Cheers.

Well, it isn't actually Cheers. It's Woody Boyd.

Cheers is actually the bar and, as such, it couldn't be expected to talk.

Woody, start again.

Why? I'm doing fine.

Anyway, there's no one here to take your call right now.

Actually, if you called right now, we could take your call,

- but if you call when you-- - Woody, would you cut it out?

- You're sounding stupid. - I am not.

Why do you always treat me like I don't know what I'm doing?

- It sounds stupid, Woody! - Does not!

Hi, Sam, this is Woody.

Guess you were right. It does sound stupid.

I'll change it tomorrow.

Hey, everybody. How's it going?

Hey, Norm, look at this.

Just got myself a brand-new video camera.

Nice one. It looks kind of expensive.

It is, it is.

But it'll pay for itself in no time at all.

Yeah, I plan to stage some footage

for those programs like America's Funniest Home Videos,

Rescue 911, Nightline, stuff like that.

Cliff, I don't think Nightline is staged.

You are so naive.

Good afternoon, everybody.

- Hey, doc. - Hey.

So, what's new?

Got a message for you here, Frase.

Here we go. Shauna called you.

Settle down, class.

Shauna is my secretary.

My temporary secretary.

She's all of 21 years old, for God's sake.

Come on, stop, you guys. Have a little class, will you?

So you going to try and bag her?

No, I am not.

Although it's not entirely out of the realm of reality.

Does seem that the lass has a...

...a thing for Dr. Crane.

Good for you.

Well, I mean, after all, it's not so hard to believe.

I've been keeping myself in pretty good shape.

I've been NordicTracking it every night.

Don't you worry, Peter.

Your parents' 50th anniversary party will go off without a hitch.

We'll provide everything you need.

The food, the drinks, the decorations, the works.

Sign here.

I can't thank you enough for all your help.

Good. And we'll see you on Sunday afternoon.

You'll find every detail will be perfect.

Terrific! Now all I need is a photographer.

Hey! Hey!

Excuse me there, buddy boy.

I couldn't help overhearing. Are you looking for a photographer?

- That's right. - Well, you are in luck.

I'm Clifford Clavin.

One of the best camcorder jockeys in all of Boston.

If you're in the video business, why are you dressed as a mailman?

Costume party down at the Director's Guild.

Yeah.

So, what do you say? You want me to do your party for 50 clams?

Sounds terrific. Guess I'm pretty lucky to have run into you.

- I'll see you Sunday. - You betcha.

What do you think, Norm?

It's the beginning of a whole new career.

Yeah.

Speaking of which, I could use an assistant

for my video endeavors.

What do you say? I could start you off at 20... 15 bucks.

15 Bucks. I could use the money.

Got to get Vera a Christmas present.

Christmas was a couple of weeks ago.

Oh, my.

Hi, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Shauna.

You... left some papers on your desk, and they looked important,

so I thought I'd bring them over.

You didn't really, I mean, these weren't that important.

There's no need. These could have waited.

I don't mind. I wasn't doing anything, anyway.

Besides, it gives me a chance to see you outside of the office.

I think you look even better in here.

Yes...

Dank basements flatter me.

Dr. Crane.

Can I ask you a question?

Well, yes. Go right ahead.

Well, this is probably against the rules,

But would you be at all interested in, you know,

seeing each other outside the office sometime?

Well...

Gosh, Shauna, I...

I'm terribly busy, and, of course, there is my son to think of.

Hey, listen, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable.

Tell you what,

let me just go check and see if you have any messages,

and then I'll be on my way.

Are you crazy?

Did I just hear you turn down a date with that girl?

Come on, man. Reel her in.

Sam, you don't seem to understand.

Look, I just came off a seven-year marriage.

It's hard to think of replacing Lilith.

Just go to the morgue and open any drawer.

Listen, listen, listen.

I'm not saying you got to replace the corpse--

Replace Lilith.

All I'm saying is ask her out on a date.

Well... perhaps. In a few days, maybe.

No, come on. Do it now. Ask her right this--

I'll tell you, if you don't, I'm going to ask her out.

You got one minute on the old Sammy clock.

All right, by George, I'll do it right this minute.

Atta boy.

Frasier Crane is back in the game.

No messages.

Shauna...

What you were saying before...

...about our seeing each other.

Well...

To put it this way...

About, you know, you and me...

You got about 30 seconds.

Would you...

...really like to go out with me?

You bet I would.

You know, I have an idea.

Instead of going out,

why don't you come over to my place for dinner on Sunday night?

Your place?

Well, I'd be delighted.

Can I bring anything? Dessert, maybe?

No, Dr. Crane, don't bring dessert.

I'll take care of that.

You're going to get dessert!

I told you we're closed.

It's a private party.

Employees only.

Please?

Carla, tell them I own the place. I do it all the time.

For the last time, go home!

Carla, will you stop being rude to the customers?

It was Paul.

I'm sorry. I couldn't see through the glass.

Okay, here we are, Frederick.

Here's my pal Freddy.

- Go to your Uncle Sammy. - There we go.

Listen, I can't thank you enough for volunteering to fill in

when the babysitter canceled.

I mean, if you hadn't offered,

I wouldn't be able to see sauna tonight.

I mean, I mean...

Shauna. Boy, there's a slip for you!

It's my pleasure. You're looking good, Freddy.

Okay, now, I brought some of his toys here.

We got his choo-choo.

And his blankie.

And his toy soldier. Here you go.

And, well, let's see.

Bag full of educational crap that Lilith got him.

And his favorite book, The Runaway Bunny.

You keep that book away from me.

How come, Carla?

I have eight kids. I've read that book a thousand times,

and every time I read it, I bawl like a baby.

No kidding.

- "Once there was a little bunny...' - Stop it.

- "...who wanted to run away." - Stop it!

- "So he said to his mother..." - Stop it! Stop it!

- "I am running away.' - Stop it!

Frasier, can I take Freddy a minute?

Well, of course. You remember Auntie Rebecca.

- Hello. - Good boy, Frederick.

Yeah, take 'em both.

Thank you.

All right, Sam, here's a list of numbers.

Here's my beeper. This is Shauna's house.

And this is Lilith at the eco-pod.

They got a telephone in the eco-pod?

Well, no, it's just for emergencies.

But listen, call her, yank her chain for me.

I won't have a chance to do it tonight.

I'll see if I can get to it.

And one other thing I need to discuss with you.

Very important. In private.

Could you just join me in the men's room?

In the men's room? That's a little weird, isn't it?

Oh, Sam, get your head out of the 7th grade, for God's sake.

We're just two men having a private conversation.

All right, okay.

Don't go in with me! How would that look?

All right, here you are. Okay, everybody just relax.

Don't mind me. Pretend like I'm not here.

There you are! Everything's all set.

I took the liberty of making nametags for everybody.

See? "Hello. My name's Rebecca."

And this one is for you, Peter.

And your name is?

We're all family.

We know each other's names.

Let me make one out for you, anyway.

B-I-T-C...

Come on, man. I got a party out here.

All right, Sam, please, this is very important.

What do you think?

It's super.

Really?

You're ser--

No, I'm sorry. No...

I can't lie to you, man. This is just...

Well, it's not you.

Damn!

It looked so good on the Styrofoam head.

Hell, Sam, who am I trying to kid?

This is ridiculous.

I'm going to call Shauna and cancel.

Wait a second.

What are you doing, man? She likes you. Didn't you hear what she said?

"No, Dr. Crane, Don't bring dessert. I'll take care of that."

I'm just too old to be dating!

Stop it. Come on.

You were a ladies' man before you met Lilith, weren't you?

- Well, yeah. - Yeah, you were.

Look at that. Look at that. You are a good-looking man.

Well, I'm not exactly a dog.

Come on, go over there. Enjoy yourself.

All you got to do is bring a little champagne,

some flowers, sweet talk her a little bit.

Before you know it, it's time to go home.

Or maybe... you don't go home.

You know what I mean?

Is that the way most dates go for you, Sam?

No. Now come on, don't do that. See, this is not a test.

You're not expected to perform at my level.

The thing is just to enjoy myself as myself.

Yes.

Okay.

- Thanks, Sam. - Yeah, yeah.

Now, Frasier Crane is going to go get some before it gets cold.

- Everything okay in here? - Yeah, no problem.

Just had to help Frasier out with something.

We got bigger problems, Sam.

Those things are back!

Well, come on in, Dr. Crane.

Dinner's on the table.

How old are you, like 90?

Okay, so this button is the on-off button.

This button here makes it louder or softer.

And these two buttons right here make everything bluer or greener.

Those two are my favorite.

Have a ball there.

Poor kid.

They probably don't let him watch enough TV at home.

It's a wonder why some people even have kids.

Great shot. Great shot.

Listen, ma'am, would you mind holding this in your lap

and just tilt it up at an angle like that?

I want to do a slow tracking shot.

Hi, sexy.

What are you going to be doing after work tonight?

Trying to forget you asked me that.

You do great work.

Look for your credits in the end titles there, sweetheart.

Cliff ie, what's this red blinking light mean?

It means the battery's dead.

Give me the spare. I'll slap it in for you.

Actually, I don't have a spare there, Norm.

Okay, no problem. Just give me the power cord.

We'll find an outlet.

These come with power cords?

What are you-- What are you telling me,

That this camera's useless?

These people paid us good money, Cliff. What are we gonna do?

Just relax, Norm. We'll figure out some kind of a plan.

Well, you better come up with something.

All right. Here's what we'll do.

We'll just carry on and film as though nothing's wrong.

We'll pretend the camera's working.

Then in a couple days when they call us for the film,

We'll say, "We dropped it in the mail. It must've gotten lost."

All right? We got the 50 bucks, and nobody's the wiser.

Great. Great. As long as you have a plan.

Norm, in a couple of weeks,

nobody here's going to remember some stupid anniversary party.

Attention, everyone.

I've waited 50 years to say this.

Wait a minute, Dad. Say it into the camera.

We want to preserve this moment forever.

Hey, guys, come on over.

Okay. Coming right up.

Come on, Norm, let's go capture this moment on videotape.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to say this to you kids, but...

...I love you,

Every one of you.

Cliff, you got to tell them.

It's not my fault the guy took 50 years to tell his kids he loved them.

What kind of father is that, anyway?

So there was one moment in the whole thing. Big whoops.

You know, with all the drinking and yelling,

nobody's going to remember anything.

Grandma! Grandpa!

I flew 34 hours in a marine cargo plane to get here,

But it's worth it all just to say...

Happy anniversary! I love you!

Oh, Terry, my baby boy!

Thank God, we're getting this on tape!

Yeah, thank God.

My God, Terry, they wouldn't tell us if you were alive or dead.

There's one thing kept me alive--

I was thinking about coming home to you.

All right, Cliff, come on, what are we going to do here?

You got to tell them.

All right, look, everybody,

my boss here has an announcement to make.

Yeah, everybody...

I'm going to go on my break. My assistant will take over.

All right now, let's squeeze in tight, everybody.

So...

You're... Shauna's family.

When Shauna invited me for dinner, she didn't mention

that we'd be having dinner with her whole family.

Interestingly enough, many young people today

are choosing to move back in with their parents.

We call it the full-nest syndrome.

It wasn't her choice.

Well, Shauna's made some bad decisions.

She's not real good on responsibility.

Well, I must say that she handled herself

quite well this week at my office.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.

See?

Oh, yeah, a doctor,

I forgot I was getting a professional opinion.

Where did you go to school?

Harvard.

Well, la-dee-da.

And is this what they taught you at Harvard?

How to take advantage of my daughter?

Sir, I am not taking advantage.

I was merely invited for an innocent little dinner.

Just an innocent little dinner?

- Mind if I check your wallet? - There's no need for that!

I don't like this, Shauna.

But why not, Daddy?

Isn't this the kind of guy that you always wanted me to date?

Is this the choice you give me?

Either some silver-spooned egghead or that hippie?

Why are you bringing up Rick?

I thought I was forbidden to see Rick.

Rick?

That's her old boyfriend.

Okay. I get it. All right. Thank you, Shauna,

for inviting me to be a little pawn in your game.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just be going.

Oh, no, please stay, Dr. Crane.

Everything is fine.

Everything is just fine.

Tater tots?

I don't know why you like Shauna.

She's only big up there 'cause she stuffs.

Shut up, Todd!

He would have found out...

In, like, a year.

Make him shut up!

And whom else have we invited for dinner tonight, Shauna?

If I'm right and this is, in fact, the worst night of my life,

it would be Rick.

You know that dropout's not allowed in this house.

Shauna!

Rick! You came for me!

You really do love me!

Oh, please!

That's it. I'm calling the police.

Daddy, why can't you like Rick? Can't you see that we're in love?

Don't you run out on me, Shauna! I'm your father!

Don't lock that door! Don't lock that door!

Don't lock that door!

I think I'll just be going now.

Why? Everything is just fine.

It's just fine.

Now, who's got room for dessert?

So I guess, Freddie, what they're saying is

that wherever the baby bunny goes, the mommy bunny is...

...is there waiting for him to take care of him.

I guess I must have touched my eye with some of that salt from the peanut.

Me, too.

That's it, yeah. Let's see those good-byes now.

Wave, yes. You had a good time.

We're going to need a lot of copies of this.

Oh, yes, sir. You'll get them.

Don't worry, sir. You'll get those copies all right.

We're going to jail, Norm.

What do you mean "we"? I'm only the assistant here.

Everybody, I have something to say.

I want you all to know that you have given me the strength...

...to do this.

This is too much, Cliff.

Either you tell them now, or I'm going to.

I guess I better before Bigfoot walks in here

and starts singing "The Anniversary Waltz."

I guess if you give me the tape, we'll be going.

So you want the tape right now?

I'll tell you what. How about if I take a shot from up here?

One last shot. Norm? Everybody, over here.

Turn this way.

Let me see those pearly whites.

Everybody smile. Just back it up here, Norm.

Back it up.

Open the door, Norm.

Let's back it up. That's good. Okay.

We're just going to back it up. Everybody wave.

Run like hell!

Yahtzee!