Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Hi, Miss Howe. - Hi, Kelly.

This is for you.

For me?

What is it?

Oh, Kelly, this is beautiful.

Why me?

Because I like you,

and you've always shown me friendship.

That's sweet, Kelly. Thank you.

And I want you to keep your hands off my man.

Do we understand each other?

Not really.

Don't play dumb with me, Miss Howe. I invented it.

Woody tells me how you look at him.

- Kelly, I don't look at him. - I know you do, Miss Howe.

I'm prepared to buy you one of these every month

if you keep away from my Woody.

Well, you know, Kelly,

he is awfully cute.

All right. One a week.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

Do you know where Carla is?

A scotch, please, Sam.

And how about a beer for my friend Norm?

Thank you, Frase.

You're certainly in a chipper mood today.

Why not? It's a beautiful day.

Good for you.

It's amazing how fast you've gotten over your separation.

A healthy mental attitude, that's my secret.

Without that, you're nothing.

That's great. That's great.

You're completely over Lilith.

I'm sorry. Who?

Lilith. Your wife.

Never heard of the slut.

Big news, everybody.

Put down your beer mugs, and hold on to your bars tools.

Me and Ma just got a new neighbor,

moved into our apartment building.

Little guy. About 100 years old.

Up from South America.

Thick German accent.

Little mustache right about here.

Likes to paint. I think you know where I'm going with this.

Sweet lord, I'll bet I do.

Yep. Adolf Hitler is living in my apartment building.

Cliff, I don't even know why I have to tell you this,

but Hitler is dead.

He died at the end of World War II in that bunker.

Oh, really?

Where you at the bunker?

As a matter of fact--

Throughout the years, we've become accustomed to your...

Oh, how should I delicately put this?

Madness.

Now, for my own peace of mind,

please assure me you're not going to march up to this man

and accuse him of being Der Fuhrer.

My accusations won't come until after I complete my investigation.

The case will be rock solid.

It better be. I've been wrong twice before, you know.

Sam...

What?

I haven't been down here since the fire.

By the way, when are you going to rebuild?

We have.

Oh, well, and it looks very...

The reason I'm down here

is last night our refrigerator went on the fritz,

leaving us with 100 pounds of mackerel

which may or may not have gone bad.

Not wanting to take a chance with my customers,

I'm prepared to offer a special to your patrons,

All you can eat for $2.00.

Wait a second here. What makes you think my customers

want your rotten fish?

Wait, wait, wait, Sammy. Wait, now...

Let's just say, Mr. Hill, that this fish has spoiled.

What would happen to us?

Oh, you could suffer a variety of symptoms

ranging from nausea to death.

Two bucks you say?

Fair enough.

Oh, good.

My package from Amityville has arrived.

Ah, Miss Tortelli.

Tell me, is that a new hairdo

or did someone toss a toaster in your bathtub?

What am I saying?

What would you be doing in a bathtub?

Cleaning you out of the drain.

Yeasty oil slick.

Bladder polyp.

Manwich.

Perverted goat boy.

Sluttish mole.

- Seven o'clock tonight? - Make it 6:30.

That man is the foulest, most disgusting,

hideous creature to ever walk the face of this earth.

And he's all mine.

Well, I'm gonna head up to Melville's,

see if they got another fish fry going today.

Actually, Norm, you ought to be careful.

I think you were just lucky yesterday you didn't get really sick.

Who said I didn't get sick?

All right, everybody. Drop what you're doing.

Stop the presses.

Nobody's gonna be making fun of Cliff Clavin anymore,

that's for sure.

Look what I found in the trash of Mr. A. Hitler.

Behold exhibit "A."

What's this, a check stub here?

It's a social security check stub.

And it sickens me

To think that we Americans work our fingers to the bone

so Mr. Hitler can have creamed corn.

A cereal box.

That's right, Paul. It's a cereal box.

I guess we can determine if Trix are for kids and for Der Fuhrer!

What is that thing?

This is the most sophisticated,

high-tech listening device that money can buy.

Gentlemen, say hello to Mr. Ear.

Mr. Ear.

That's right. You see, if I'm going to stop

the Fourth Reich from happening,

I have to know every move that Hitler makes.

With this baby, I can hear a pin drop from 500 feet away.

See those two chicks up there?

I'll tell you exactly what they're talking about.

They're talking about some stupid-looking yutz holding a... never mind.

All right.

Look. Wish me luck, everybody.

If I'm not back in two hours, call the defense department

and tell them Hitler's alive and living in my apartment building.

They know the address.

You know, Cliff's pulled some pretty crazy stunts

through the years,

but this is really starting to get me worried.

Maybe Cliff is really going over the edge here.

Gentlemen, if I may be the voice of reason,

what if it is Hitler?

Woody.

I heard every word you said. Thanks for being in my corner, pal.

I knew he was listening.

Now when he snaps, maybe he'll spare me.

Bad news, boys.

No fish fry at Melville's.

Apparently, John Hill had a heart attack.

- Really? - Oh, my God.

That's terrible.

Relax, Rebecca, there'll be other fish fries.

Take the long view here.

I was talking about John Hill.

- What hospital is he in? - Arlington.

Should we visit him at the hospital? Who wants to go?

Come on, you guys, he's our neighbor.

We know him. We should see him in the hospital.

Rebecca, it's not like he's our best friend or anything.

Norm, that's not the point.

The point is, you have to pretend to be nice to people.

That's what makes you a good person.

Hello. Yeah. I want to inquire about the status of one of your patients,

Mr. John Allen Hill.

Oh, thank you. That's great news.

Thanks very much.

Oh, thank God.

Dead, Sam?

No, he's not dead.

He's in stable condition.

That's a terrible thing to say, Woody.

You're always acting like you don't like him.

That doesn't mean I wish he was dead.

What about yesterday when you said, "I wish he was dead"?

Hi, everybody.

Carla, what are you doing here?

Living my lifelong dream.

Fulfilling all my fantasies.

I'm a cocktail waitress.

What do you think I'm doing here?

She doesn't know about Hill yet.

What are we gonna do? This is going to crush her.

All right, I'll tell her.

Sam, news of this gravity should be delivered

by someone who has studied the human psyche

in great detail.

Someone who has tact, compassion,

and an understanding of the human heart.

Okay, Dr. Crane, I'll do it, but you got to deliver this Martini.

Carla!

- Woody! - What?

I was referring to myself.

Oh.

Right.

Calling Dr. Von Ego.

- Carla, may I have a word with you? - Sure.

Please, sit down.

What I'm about to tell you may be a little difficult to hear.

Oh, my God.

And, before I tell you what it is,

I just want you to know that we are all your friends,

and we support you.

What is it?

Carla, John Hill has had a heart attack.

Oh, my God.

Hill had a heart attack?

John Allen Hill had a heart attack?

That's what you were trying to tell me?

From the way you were acting,

I thought something happened to my car!

Carla, you knew?

Of course I knew.

I'm the one who called the ambulance.

Well, then, you were there? What happened?

Well, Hill and I were in the middle of doing it.

Next thing I know he's clutching his chest

and turning blue.

I took it as a compliment till he fell to the floor.

So, why didn't you go with him to the hospital?

I hate hospitals.

I'll send him a card later.

Now, just a minute, Carla. Listen.

You've been seeing this man for over a year now,

don't you have any feelings for him?

Listen, Doc, I've had guys run out on me,

had a husband die on me,

I got eight kids at home to worry about.

I don't need to go getting attached to some other guy

just because we sweat up the sheets now and then.

I couldn't care less about Hill.

If you feel so strongly about him, you go visit him.

You ready to order?

Yes. We'd like a gin and tonic with a lime, please,

a diet coke, a Manhattan up.

We also need some fresh pretzels and...

ls there something wrong, Miss?

My boyfriend's in the hospital.

I'm so ashamed. I called Hill my boyfriend.

What's wrong with me?

Carla.

You've come down with a bad case of humanity...

A malady characterized by bouts

of compassion, warmth, and caring.

I mean, who knows, this sort of thing could go on for the rest of your life.

Shut up, fathead.

Or it could pass in a matter of seconds.

Everybody, just leave me alone.

You're making this into something it's not.

Carla, you cannot hold something like this inside of you.

Yeah, Carla.

I never shared how I feel.

Now I'm old and all alone. If there's one thing I learned--

Hey, Phil, zip it.

Look, first of all,

I don't have any feelings for that slug.

Second of all, you never saw me cry.

Third, I'd like to stay and chat, but I got work.

Sam, I want to talk to you in the office.

I don't want to hear about her relationship with John.

I don't understand what they do when they get together, anyway.

I don't want to.

I wish there was some way I could get out of this.

Why don't you just wish she was dead?

Hey,

how you doing, huh?

Oh, Sam, Hill's in the hospital,

and it's all my fault.

No, see, you can't blame yourself for that.

But it's true.

You see, last night started out as just an average date.

Hill and I are getting it on hot and heavy.

I'm cursing at him, he's cursing at me.

Some real beauties.

The headboard was begging for mercy.

Do me a favor and just cut to the chase.

Unless there was a chase...

Oh, God, no...

I'm a little...

Okay, okay. Just before he keeled over,

I went over the line.

I said something so awful,

I can't-- I can't even repeat it.

Oh, honey.

Well, what'd you say?

I'm sorry. What?

I told him I loved him.

And that's-- that's bad, right?

Of course that's bad.

Sam, you don't get this, do you?

Look, Hill and I have a very simple relationship.

I don't like him.

He doesn't like me.

We get it on.

Now, if we start saying we like each other,

we're gonna screw up what we had.

And then I'm gonna lose him.

I don't want to lose him

because I care for him.

What is with me?

I'm getting lost.

Do you like this guy or not?

Of course I do, but I can't tell Hill that.

Why not?

Because if I tell him,

then he won't have anything to do with me

just like if he told me,

I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

Oh, all right. I see.

So you're saying...

Shoot! I almost had it.

I guess there's only one thing I can do.

I got to go to the hospital and straighten things out.

Yes! That's it. You got to go to the hospital

and no matter how much it costs you,

you gotta tell the guy that you care for him.

No, Sam.

I have to go and tell him that I don't care for him.

Right. I was going to say that next.

You got to tell him you don't care for him. Right. Okay.

All right.

Who wants to know what Hitler watches on TV?

Cliff, I'm not going to play this stupid game anymore.

Hitler does not live in your apartment building.

All right, from 1500 hours to 1530 hours,

he watched The Flintstones.

Instead of Gilligan's Island?

Well, he is a madman.

1530 Hours to 1600,

he watched People's Court. How ironic.

At 1630 hours,

he clapped off the TV and went to bed.

Oh, my God, Norm, it's him. Hide me.

This is the guy you thought was Hitler?

No. It's worse. It's my landlord Mr. Cranston.

Clavin, don't you try to hide from me.

I'm here to inform you

we held a tenants' meeting last night.

I wasn't invited.

We never invite you when it's about you.

Was Hitler there?

Yes, Hitler was there.

Or Mr. O'Leary, as he's known to us on Planet Earth.

What was the meeting about?

I intended to have you evicted.

You've done some strange things in your time, Clavin,

but this is the worst.

You're harassing an old man.

Who may well be the most hated and feared figure

of the 20th century.

At least he's not one of those noisy teens.

Well, that's true.

As I was saying, I was going to boot you out,

but your mother made a stirring speech in your defense.

By the time she finished reading that passage from the bible,

We were all in tears.

Even Hitler?

Even Hitler...

Mr. O'Leary!

I'll allow you to stay if you apologize to him

and promise not to pursue this matter any further.

Now, do I have your word?

Yeah. Okay. I promise.

Just don't boot us out, all right?

- Agreed. - Well, thank you.

You know, I know I get out of hand occasionally.

I got a lot of pent-up energy, a lot of time on my hands.

You know, I'm civil service.

- That explains it. - There you go.

We'll let you off with a warning this time, Clavin.

Does this mean I can go back to the laundry room?

No. That's a whole separate thing.

Well, Cliff, you've tormented an elderly man,

you got everyone in your apartment building angry,

and you almost lost your home.

Now, are you clear on what this means?

Sure.

Hitler brainwashed my landlord.

Hill.

Miss Tortelli.

These are for you.

Oh, what a thoughtful purchase.

I didn't buy them.

I got them out of a room down the hall.

The guy won't be needing them where he's going.

Has he been discharged?

You might say.

If you ever need a pair of slippers, size 11, let me know.

Thanks.

Frankly, Miss Tortelli, I don't know why you're here.

My doctor informs me

I have to remain celibate for the next eight weeks.

Don't insult me, Hill.

You think that sex is all I have on my mind?

There are other facets to my personality.

Eight weeks?

Well, anyway, look, I just came here because I wanted to apologize.

Last night before this happened,

I said this... thing to you,

And I just wanted you to know

that this thing I said...

Eight weeks?

Please continue, Miss Tortelli.

Anyway, about this thing that I said.

Just wanted you to know that I didn't mean it.

Hell, do you remember what thing it is I'm talking about?

I must confess it rings a faint bell,

That thing.

Well, I just wanted to say I'm sorry

because I think it's probably what caused your heart attack.

It was quite a shock.

I don't think anyone's ever said it to me before.

No one?

Not even your daughter?

Well, it never really came up.

You had a wife.

Well, she and I...

had an understanding.

Your parents?

The point is, Miss Tortelli,

I'm not exactly a cuddle bear.

Yeah, well...

Neither am I.

See you around.

Oh, one moment, Miss Tortelli.

Yeah?

Perhaps the diuretic is making me sentimental, but...

What do you suppose would happen

if we were foolhardy enough

to attempt to take our relationship

to the next plateau?

Hypothetically, of course.

Yeah, well...

I have thought about that...

A little bit.

I'm not proud of it,

but I thought of it.

After all, we have eight celibate weeks

in which to get to know each other better.

Okay. I'm game.

So...

Miss Tortelli...

Carla.

Oh, Carla.

Carla, that's a pretty name.

Thank you.

So...

You...

You have any children?

No.

So, what's it like running a restaurant?

Well, you know, a lot of work, but very rewarding.

Oh, that's good, that it's rewarding.

Because there are a lot of jobs that aren't rewarding.

It's good that you found the job that is rewarding.

Carla, could you please do me a small favor?

Yes, John.

Could you work yourself behind this machinery and unplug my life support system

so that I can leave this life

and this agonizing conversation behind?

Like it was fun for me, zit-face.

Sasquatch.

Road kill.

Catcher's mitt.

Pond scum.

Phlegm face.

See you in eight weeks.

Make it four.

Make it two.

Pull the curtain.