Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, Cliff ie.

Hey, Sam.

What are you doing standing out in the rain?

It's good for the skin. Negative ions. Keeps it soft.

What did you say to Carla, Cliff ie?

Called her a dwarf.

Oh.

Could you untie me, Sam?

Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.

How much more time you got out here?

Five minutes.

I'm sorry, buddy. I can't do it.

She'd have me standing right out here next to you.

I understand, Sam. I understand. No hard feelings.

Attention, everybody. I have an announcement to make.

Thanksgiving is in a few days.

I know that some of you won't be able to spend it with your families.

So anybody who doesn't have anyplace to go on Thanksgiving

is welcome to come to my apartment.

I thought that would be a nice gesture.

How'd you like to see another nice gesture?

Carla Tortelli graciously accepts.

How about you, Sam?

Yeah. I think it would be fun to go to Thanksgiving dinner at your place.

- Oh, great.

I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner.

This'll be the second one that I've cooked,

and believe me, the first one was not the disaster

that my family said it was.

Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance.

It was exciting for them.

I mean, at least it wasn't the same old, same old.

Wait a second. Did you say Thanksgiving?

Oh, shoot. See, I usually spend Thanksgiving

with my old Army buddies.

Sam, you weren't in the Army.

No, no, but my buddies were.

I'd invite you all over to my place,

but Ma's down in Florida working on her tan.

Yeah, she's got this standing rule, if she's not around,

I'm not allowed to bring any more than two friends over at a time.

Please, she's never going to know.

Yes, she will, Norm.

Why don't we have Thanksgiving dinner here at Cheers?

- Potluck, huh? - Why here?

Because you don't think I can handle the responsibility

of making a big dinner for everybody?

Well, I was going to beat around the bush a little bit,

but, yeah, that's the gist.

Well, if you're going to have it, can we have a turkey?

I was just going to make grilled cheese.

All right, we'll have a turkey. Good idea.

Okay, who's in on the dinner here?

Count me in.

All right. Frase, what about you?

You probably have other plans, don't you?

Oh, yes. Big plans.

Frederick and I will be spending the day

with the new friends we've made since Lilith's departure.

Mrs. Paul...

Dinty Moore.

Uncle Ben.

Oh, and maybe the Stouffers will stop by.

Why don't you join us?

Aw, thanks, Sam.

Ah, Mr. Gaines, what a nice surprise.

You remember Mr. Peterson, Mr. Clavin?

Nick, Clyde.

Actually, it's Norm, Cliff.

You're lucky I got that close.

Now, Woody, the reason I came by here

is that now that you're my son-in-law,

I need your signature on some papers here.

- What are they? - It's nothing important.

Just some silly forms giving me power of attorney

over all of your affairs.

You see, the Gaines' Estate is wide and varied,

and now that you're married to Kelly,

you're part of that estate.

I'm not sure I understand all this.

Let me put it in Hanoverese, Woody.

You know how a turkey, when it feeds at the trough,

will eat until it dies?

Well, these forms give me the right,

now that you're feeding at the Gaines' trough,

to pull your head away if I think you're going to choke.

Well, turkeys don't choke, Mr. Gaines.

They explode.

The one clue you get is you hear this hissing sound just before they blow.

Now, you hear a turkey hissing,

head for the hills.

Turkey shrapnel can kill you.

For God's sakes, Woody,

just sign or make your mark or whatever it is you do.

Thank you, Woody.

Oh, wait, uh, Mr. Gaines...

I just got paid today,

and, if I'm now part of the Gaines' Estate,

I guess I should do my part

and throw my paycheck into the pot.

Good, Woody.

Always leave them laughing.

Why do you let him talk to you like that?

Yeah, you got to stand up to him, Wood.

I'd never let my father-in-law take advantage of me that way.

I thought your father-in-law was dead, Norm.

You know... he might be.

Haven't seen him in ages.

Come to think of it, I do remember Vera left a note on the refrigerator one night.

Something about a funeral.

Shoot. This is going to drive me crazy.

You know, Sam,

I always wanted to get along with Mr. Gaines

like I did with my dad.

You and your daddy got along well, huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh...

We'd go fish and bowl and hang around...

Pass notes to each other in class.

Woody, you know, it's none of my business,

but I think you ought to stand up to Mr. Gaines right now,

or he's gonna be walking all over you the rest of your life.

Well, I'd like to stand up to him, Sam,

but he scares me.

I know. He's a pretty intimidating guy.

But the way around that is you figure out what you're gonna say,

get it in your head all straight,

and then you go over there and tell him.

What would you say, Sam?

Me?

Oh, well, I don't know. something like, uh...

You know, I'm disappointed in you.

You should be ashamed of yourself, you know?

Things are gonna be different from now on.

You're gonna give me the respect I deserve.

Gee, I always thought I did respect you, Sam.

Maybe I was wrong.

Tell you what.

Why don't we drive over there and you can rehearse what you're gonna say

on the way, all right?

I suppose if I don't,

I'll have another lecture about how I don't respect you.

Okay, okay. I'm 95% sure Vera's father is alive.

No, no, dead. No, make that dead.

He's dead.

Or could he be...

Well...

I suppose I'll just call Vera and ask her, I guess.

How do you ask someone a question like that?

Although Vera's always saying we should talk more.

Yes. Hi, honey...

Hi, uh, listen, um...

Do I have a dark suit?

I do? Good.

Do you remember why I bought it?

A funeral? Of course.

Was, uh... was your father there?

Was he wearing make-up by any chance?

Vera? Vera...

Shoot. This is going to bug me all day.

Oh, Walter.

Oh... oh!

Ohh!

Katherine, we can't go on like this.

You're my brother's wife.

I mean, if anyone ever found out, it would ruin both our families.

You're right, Walter. It's wrong.

- Terribly wrong. - But I don't care.

That's my girl.

Mr. Gaines is in the library right through there.

Aren't you going to announce us?

Very well, sir.

Mr. Gaines, there are two gentlemen here to see you.

That make you feel like a big man?

Don't worry about that.

Okay, just like we rehearsed it in the car, big fella.

All right, I'm disappointed in him,

he should be ashamed of himself

and he should start treating me with respect.

- Attaboy. - Yeah.

Mr. Gaines.

Woody! What are you doing here?

Oh, I can see you're busy. I'll wait outside.

My God, Walter, who was that?

That was my idiot son-in-law. Woody, just a minute!

Well, did he see us?

Of course he saw us. I knew something like this was gonna happen.

I've got to catch him before he blabs it all over the mansion.

What do you mean he was exercising?

That's what it looked like.

I think he was doing push-ups.

Aw, come on! You're just trying to back out of this.

No, I'm not, Sam. I'm going to tell him.

Excuse me. You're the gentlemen

I led from the foyer to the library.

Am I correct?

- Yeah. Right. - Yeah.

Would you be a dear and help me find my way back?

Uh, sure.

Actually, it's not that hard.

All you got to do is go down that staircase

with those naked angels that are carved in the banister.

Then you go through the long hallway

with the three naked ladies kind of frolicking in the field,

then you go take a left, and you get into that big room

that has that bronze statue of the--

I tell you what, why don't I take you there myself?

Now, Woody, I know you must be terribly confused,

but there's a simple explanation.

No, no, Mr. Gaines. You're going to sit down

and I'm going to talk and you're going to listen.

Now, I'm very disappointed in you.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

From now on, things are going to be different.

You're going to start treating me with respect.

Whatever you want, Woody. What will it take

for you to forget everything that's happened? You name it.

- Seriously? - Yes. Whatever you want.

Wow, that speech really took.

Well, for starters, this power of attorney thing you made me sign...

It's gone, ripped up. Never existed.

All right, and I don't want you to make fun of me

in front of my friends anymore.

You've got it.

What I really want, Mr. Gaines,

is just for us to get to know each other better.

Oh, for God's sakes, Woody, I didn't commit murder.

Just forget the whole thing.

No. Woody, if you want to be friends, that's fine. That's fine.

In fact, we could, uh...

Go fishing?

Yeah, fishing. Of course. Fine.

In fact, why don't we go fishing in your new boat?

My new boat?

- Yes. - Really?

In fact, why don't we call it The S.S. Silence?

I'm sure we can come up with a better name than that, but thanks.

Hooray.

I get a feeling we're going to be pretty close from now on, Mr. Gaines.

Well, Walter, did he know what we were doing?

Not only does he know,

but he's doing it to me.

Okay, you guys, I'm trying to get a head count here

so I know how many people are here for Thanksgiving

so I can have enough turkey.

Easy on the turkey for me, though, Rebecca,

because those tryptophans just put me to sleep.

Get two turkeys.

Norm, are you gonna be here?

Yeah, I might as well.

Vera's spending Thanksgiving at her mother's.

How come?

She's still angry about me asking whether her father's dead or alive.

You never know what's going to tick some people off.

Normie, I've got an easy way to find out

whether or not your father-in-law's still alive or not.

You give Vera's parents' house a call.

If a guy answers, bingo! There's your answer.

I'll tell you what--

I'll look up the number for you in the directory here.

So what's Vera's maiden name?

It's, uh...

Damn. This is going to get embarrassing.

Could I be having some severe memory lapse here?

Well, Norm, quick...

In Herbie the Love Bug, who played the bad guy?

Keenan Wynn.

Your memory's sound, my friend.

Hey, Sam.

Me and Mr. Gaines just went fishing on my new boat.

And guess what we're doing tomorrow.

Flying to Vermont.

Vermont?

Yeah. All I did was ask Mr. Gaines how maple syrup was made,

and the next thing you know, boom!

- He's firing up the jet. - That's right.

Well...

In spite of all the fun we've been having,

I really must run along.

Hey, Mr. Gaines...

What about my hug?

Oh, gee, Woody. I don't know.

Oh, yeah, I guess you're right.

I don't want to catch one of those fishhooks in my eye.

On second thought, come here, son.

Wow. how about that?

You guys are getting along great, aren't you?

Yeah, Sam.

You know, I owe it all to my little speech.

Soon as I delivered it, he was putty in my hands.

Well, that's great, man. That's great.

I noticed, though, that you said, uh...

Your speech when, you know, technically... it was my speech.

Remember?

I was over there when I thought it up.

You may have thought it up, but I'm the one who made it sing.

Well, whatever.

Congratulations.

Yeah, you know...

When Woody Boyd talks,

people listen.

As a matter of fact, Sam,

I'm going to do you a great big favor.

Mr. Peterson, I'm going to talk, and you're going to listen.

It's about your beer tab.

Wood, stay in the shallow end.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Sorry.

Get him, get him. Oh...

Oh, man...

This is great.

- Norm. - Yeah.

The Barcalounger is only here for today, right?

Thanksgiving just wouldn't be the same without it, Sam.

Tomorrow it goes back, right?

You signed this agreement. remember?

Sam, what do you think of all the decorations?

I bought everything with my own money.

Yeah. You know, I've been meaning to ask you,

what do skeletons and witches have to do with Thanksgiving?

Well, uh, the witches came over with the pilgrims.

And then the pilgrims burned them all at the stake.

And then when they were all burned up,

there was nothing left of them but skeletons.

And that left the pilgrims free to make a big dinner.

They were cheap, huh?

Actually, they were throwing them out.

Well, it looks-- it looks really nice, Rebecca. It looks really nice.

What about the, uh, the plates?

I'm going to borrow those from Melville's.

No, no! Don't do that.

If John Hill finds out, he'll blow his bald stack.

Oh, don't be silly.

Melville's is closed, and John Hill's at the Cape.

Besides, I'm already using his oven to cook the turkey.

In that case, why don't you get some silverware.

I think we're going to run out of these... sporks.

Well, here we are, Frederick.

Over the river and through the woods

To the barstool on the right

Ah, the beginnings of a marvelous Thanksgiving memory.

Say, Norm, last time I was at your house,

wasn't this chair red?

Yeah. I go through them pretty quickly.

- Hi, Frasier. Hi, Frederick. - Hello.

Hey! How do you like the way I decked the place out?

Well, I must say it looks rather...

festive.

Thank you.

You're getting plates from Melville's?

You know, what would look beautiful is those gorgeous candlesticks they have.

Ooh, good idea. Why don't you go grab those.

Come here, Frederick.

Well, you guys lucked out.

You get to spend your Thanksgiving with the Tortellis.

Hide your valuables.

Hey, kids, park it over there.

Carla, why did you only bring three of your kids?

Well, we have this kind of Thanksgiving tradition at our home.

You see, at noon, I set them out on the curb,

then the various men they've come to know as "Dad" drive by,

and whoever's left comes with me.

Uh, there must be some mistake here.

You got me sitting at the kiddie table.

Uh, no, no. No mistake, Cliff.

We all decided that you're the only one that we trust

being an adult supervisor.

Well, that's another bowl of stuffing, then, Sammy.

I'd be proud to watch the little tykes.

So, kiddies...

I ever tell you about the first Thanksgiving?

Yeah, it took place between the Ancient Egyptians

and astronauts from a distant galaxy.

Here, Mr. Peterson.

Oh, thank you, Frederick.

God, I wish I'd had kids.

Food's on. Come on, everybody.

Sit down around the table here.

Listen, here's the good news--

You can make a mess.

And don't worry about breaking anything 'cause none of this stuff belongs to us.

- Yeah! - Yeah!

Sam, why don't you make a little toast?

Oh! Yeah, all right, that's a good idea.

Uh... all right.

Uh, welcome to Thanksgiving at Cheers.

I hope everybody enjoys the food...

And I'd like to make a toast right now

to the man who made this all possible,

John Allen Hill.

Now come on. I know what you're thinking,

but I'll tell you the truth,

if John and I hadn't gotten off on the wrong foot,

I think we would've been best of friends.

If he were here right now,

I'd ask him to sit down and break bread with us.

But because he isn't, then I say let's raise our glasses

to that grand old gentleman, John Allen Hill.

Well, isn't this touching?

All the Whos down in Whoville

gathered round their roast beast.

Good heavens, man, I thought you were at the cape.

I was until the police called to tell me

the silent alarm had gone off upstairs.

Uh, yes. That was us, John.

I'm sorry. We borrowed a few things for our simple dinner here.

John, I tell you what, why don't you join us, please?

No, no. Thank you. Please, I couldn't.

But since no harm was done, I'll be on my way.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And do sterilize everything.

Thank you, John.

Happy Thanksgiving.

So how'd you spot him?

I saw the reflection of his head in the dessert tray.

Mr. and Mrs. Woody Boyd.

How was that, sport?

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, Pumpkin.

It's good to see you.

Hi, Dad.

Hello, son.

- Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving.

Hi, Uncle Richard, Aunt Katherine.

- Hello, darling. - Richard.

Walter.

Woody, certain parties are here this evening,

and things might get very delicate.

Don't worry about a thing, Mr. Gaines.

Boy, she looks familiar.

Now, Woody...

Where have I seen her before?

Help me out here, Mr. Gaines.

I got it.

Everyone into the dining room.

I can smell that turkey's all ready.

Let's just move along now.

The cranberry sauce and stuffing--

All the trimmings.

Let's just move right along. Come on, move, move.

Save me a drumstick.

Woody...

I thought we had an understanding.

Now, we went fishing, I took you bowling,

we went to the arcade.

If there's a lower-middle-class activity in Boston, we've done it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Gaines. I was trying to figure out

Where I knew Kelly's aunt from, and it finally came to me.

Of course it came to you.

You caught me making love to her on the floor of my office!

I met her at the wedding.

I caught you what?

Nothing!

Let's eat.

Holy cow, that's your brother's wife,

and you're having an affair with her?

Yes. You really didn't know?

No.

Then you're not blackmailing me?

I didn't have to buy your silence?

Well, no. I would never blackmail you, Mr. Gaines.

I think what you're doing is disgusting and wrong,

but that's between you and Satan.

I've got something to tell you.

I think that we can't be friends anymore.

I don't respect you.

Well, I'll just have to live with your scorn and contempt, Woody.

Okay, Mr. Gaines.

I just want you to know, I'd never blackmail you.

I'd much rather do this.

Hey, everybody, I got something to tell you!

I want the wishbone!

Gotcha!

This is going to be a fun night.

Dear God...

It's over.

I'm free.

Finally free.

Your brother's wife, eh, Wally?

Get me a drink.

We have to talk.