Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

This is the third time we've been here in two weeks, Sam.

Any idea why you're having so many fights?

Yeah. Yeah. Ever since that biker bar closed down,

we're getting these big apes coming in here.

What are we supposed to do?

Be grateful.

You know something, if you'd get over here when I called you,

none of this would have happened.

Aw, look at this. Woody.

Aw, man, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about.

We're gonna have to file an injury report.

You bet you are. Tell him. Tell him what happened.

I was downstairs getting a case of scotch,

and there's that one low beam.

What happened here?

Can you believe this guy winning 12 million bucks in the lottery?

I mean, talk about beating the odds.

Yeah. You want to talk about beating the odds,

my Uncle Spence fell 20,000 feet from an airplane

and hit the only pile of hay for two miles.

Jeez. He must be the luckiest man on Earth.

Well, not really. He went through the propeller first.

There's the scariest human being I've ever seen in my life.

Boy, yeah. Remind me to congratulate the doctor who created him.

Who's Sam?

Yeah, that's me. Are you Tiny? I'll be right with you.

Uh, Sam, you ought to think about

wearing those reading glasses all the time.

That guy's huge.

No, no, no. It's his name. Tiny's his name.

He was the bouncer at that biker bar.

I figure if we're going to have that crowd in here,

I might as well have him around. What do you think?

Oh, please, Sam. If I promise to feed him,

can I keep him?

I'll ask him. Hey, Tiny,

why don't you fill out this application so I can start checking your references?

That's nuts. Sam's wasting his money.

I could have done that job.

Sure. I'm taking karate down at the Y--

The Y.

So, Tiny, huh?

That's a pretty funny nickname,

given, you know, how big you are.

Why? You making fun of my name?

You think I got a joke name?

You think I'm some kind of joke?

Tell Vera I loved her.

Hey, wait. Whoa. Excuse me here.

Tiny, there, my main man.

Step into my office.

I'll take care of this, Normie.

You see, Tiny, uh, you know,

calling you Tiny, a guy of your, you know, girth,

is what we in the comedy profession call a juxtaposition.

Okay? Juxtaposition.

See, it's, uh... calling a bald guy Curly,

fat guy Slim,

tall guy...

Shorty, see?

I like that. You're smart.

Why, thank you.

No. That's your new nickname. Get it?

I made a joke.

And a fine joke it is, too, sir.

Hey, guys.

Now, I know you sent me out for snack food,

but I found this place called The Healthy Alternative.

They have all your favorite munchies, only organic,

with tofu and soy and that sort of thing.

So I drove right past it, went to the grocery store

and got you a big box of Fiddle Faddle.

Lilith, I'm so jealous of you.

Excuse me?

I saw you outside.

After seven years of marriage,

how do you guys keep your relationship so hot?

I don't know what you mean.

Outside, I saw you in the car.

You were all over him.

God, it was great.

You were steaming up the windows

like a couple of teenagers.

Well, I've just won five games in a row.

When you're hot, you're hot!

Oh, hi, Buttercup.

Now that's odd.

He's here. I just saw you two out in the...

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Rebecca and I just have to have a little talk in the office.

- It's private. - Oh, my God.

Anything I can help with?

No. I can handle it ably on my own.

Well, I'm here if you need me.

Lilith, I don't want to hear this.

Calm down, Rebecca.

I've got enough to deal with without you going berserk on me.

Yes, that was me you saw in the car,

and obviously the man with me was not Frasier.

Lilith, you are having an affair!

It isn't an affair. It was a one-time fling.

I've been working side by side with this man for months,

and I'm afraid our latent desires just got the better of us.

It's the old story, one moment we were feeding the lab rats,

and the next thing we knew, we were in a hotel room.

What you saw was me saying good-bye to him.

Well, then he must be hard-of-hearing.

You had his ear in your mouth.

We both know it was a mistake.

It will never happen again.

What are you gonna do now?

There's only one thing I can do.

I have to tell Frasier.

Now until I find the time to tell him in my own way,

you must promise me you're not going to say anything to him about this.

How the hell am I going to do that?

What?

Because this is juicy stuff.

The more I'm sitting here thinking that I should keep my mouth shut,

the more I want to just go out there and blab it all over.

I know that's wrong, but it's just me.

Please, Rebecca, you only have to control yourself for a little while.

Frasier and I are going to have dinner with another couple up at Melville's,

and as soon as it's over, I'll break it to him.

Lilith, you have a big problem.

Yes, I know. My entire marriage is on extremely shaky ground.

No, I mean you only have about an hour until I blow.

Hi. Welcome to Cheers.

You want to feel the plate in my head?

I can make it move.

No. We're just looking for friends, and they're not here. So bye.

Sammy, that guy's making me a little nervous, okay?

What are you talking about? The guy's great.

He's already stopped two fights, keeping everybody in line.

Best of all, he thinks minimum wage is $2.00 an hour.

What? You're cheating him out of 50 cents an hour?

Boy, I'll tell you, having Tiny in this bar

is about the most exciting thing that's happened around here in a long time.

Maybe it is, and maybe it isn't.

I think the most exciting thing,

contrary to your belief, Carla,

was when Sammy fiddled around with the cable box,

and we were able to get the playboy channel all day long.

Well, you know, some people that didn't know any better

might think that that was interesting.

How about last week when Phil told us that he did time?

- That was juicy. - Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Real juicy.

I don't think so.

What are you trying to say, Rebecca?

I'm trying to say that I have got major dish

bottled up inside me, and it's just dying to get out.

All right. Here it comes. I can feel it.

It's coming up through my chest.

I feel it in my throat.

It's--

Lilith is having an affair.

So, Phil, what did you do time for?

I held up a Piggly Wiggly.

Can I now get on with my life, please?

Is the, uh, TV too loud for you folks?

Tiny, TV's not actually on.

Then why do I keep hearing the Kill 'Em, Tiny Show?

Sammy, you heard that.

The guy is nuts.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I should just talk to him.

Tiny, can I talk to you for a second?

Yo.

How are you doing?

Uh, great, Sam.

Listen, don't you worry.

There won't be trouble in here while I'm around.

I just hope somebody tries.

You want me to tell you what I'm gonna do if somebody starts some trouble?

Uh, no, actually,

I don't think I want to hear that, man.

Okay. But I did draw you a picture.

Well, okay.

Oh, my God.

Uh...

So did you want to tell me something?

Uh, no, no.

Uh, just, uh, carry on, carry on.

Okay.

Carla.

Look what this guy drew.

That's nothing.

I got worse than that on my refrigerator.

Here is my question.

I had the seafood salad. You had the poached salmon.

Neither of us had any appetizers.

They had appetizers and soup

and the lobster special,

and yet we split the meal 50-50.

Now, am I wrong or did we just get royally ripped?

Frasier, we need to talk.

You're darn right we do. I don't know if I want them as friends anymore.

No, I mean I have to tell you something that's rather serious.

What is it, Lilith?

In fact, I dare say you're gonna find it extremely upsetting.

All right.

Well, I think we should discuss it at home.

No, no, Lilith.

You just don't tell someone that you're going to upset them

and then just let them dangle.

Whatever it is, just tell me right now.

I'll be upset, then I'll get over it, we can go on with our lives.

Please, let's just go home.

No, Lilith, I want to know right now.

All right, if you must know immediately, I'll tell you.

Have a seat.

Oh, great. It's "have a seat" bad.

Just give me a minute to brace myself.

I know. I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me,

and whatever your news is, it will pale by comparison.

In fact, whatever it is, it'll be a relief.

Okay. Okay, uh...

what is the worst thing I can imagine?

All right. I've got it. Lilith, your news, please.

This afternoon, in a moment of extreme weakness...

I cheated on you.

That was it! That was the worst thing!

Try to remain calm.

How can I remain calm when you tell me you've slept with another man?

You slut!

I-- I-- I can't believe that.

I knew the whole time.

I have known it for over an hour,

and I didn't say a word to anybody.

I kept the secret

I kept--

Tragic, isn't it?

You're still angry, aren't you?

How can you tell?

The fact that this park bench

used to be chained to that cement block

next to the Statue of George Washington.

I wanted to be alone.

This is a very serious matter, Frasier.

Yes, it is serious, Lilith.

However, I will refrain from indulging in the clichéd reactions...

The rage, the crying, the screaming, the hurling of epithets,

tramp, whore, slut, floozy, bitch, ad infinitum.

You did call me slut.

Yes, but I didn't call you a tramp, whore, floozy, or bitch.

I have too much respect for you, even though you have been a slut.

Of course you deserve to know everything that happened, and why.

All I want to know is who.

Who it is doesn't matter. This is about us.

The identity of the other person is irrelevant.

Fine, Lilith. I respect that.

It'll be just one more... secret between us,

one more brick in the wall.

All right.

It was my colleague,

the distinguished research scientist Dr. Louis Pascal.

The bald guy?

Frasier...

I never meant to hurt you, but for so long now, I have felt so alone.

It seems we can't talk without getting into a fight.

Even the smallest conversation erupts into bickering.

- Just goes on... - I see what's going on here!

I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner.

I'm such a dope!

What are you talking about?

- You're in your mid-30s, right? - Yes.

It's perfectly natural for you to be examining your life right now.

You're comparing the expectations you had of yourself in the past

with what you've actually achieved up to now.

- Frasier, that-- - Wait. Let me finish.

And how many years have we been married? Seven.

Perfect time for you to be re-examining our relationship.

You're practically a cliché!

Frasier, I am not a cliché.

- I'm talking about-- - Oh, please!

You got hit with the old double whammy.

Of course you had a fling! And why wouldn't you?

Thank God! For a while, I thought we had a problem!

Frasier, you're not listening to me.

"You're not listening to me.' Right out of the textbook.

I can't tell you how annoying this is.

Of course you can. Volumes have been written on how annoying analysis can get.

Frasier, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

This is our marriage we're talking about, our lives.

Stop being a psychiatrist and start being my husband.

All right, Lilith.

I'll be your husband.

For seven years now,

we've tried to build something together,

and I think we've done a pretty good job.

It's not worth throwing it all away

on something so empty, meaningless, and unfulfilling.

Actually...

Look, I don't want to hear it!

Frasier, don't you see that this incident

is symptomatic of much larger problems?

We can work on that.

We owe it to our marriage.

But you must march over to Pascal

and tell him in no uncertain terms that you will never see him again.

Very well.

I'll go now.

Certainly you're being very rational about this,

very civilized.

Well, I'm nothing if not civilized.

By the way,

this Pascal...

is he married?

No.

Why?

I thought I could bag his wife, even the score.

I'm sorry. I'm venting.

Go.

People. Sheesh!

Think they'd never seen a blowtorch scar before.

Who took a blowtorch to you?

I did. I let myself down.

Nobody lets Tiny down.

Sammy, you've got to get rid of that guy.

All right. All right.

Let him go.

I'll fire him.

Say, Tiny,

could you step over here for a second?

Listen, I want to talk to you about the job for a minute.

I want you to know

it's not that we don't like having you here,

It's just that... Well...

Knock knock.

I'm sorry. What?

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The dead guy.

Oh, boy.

The, uh, dead guy who?

The dead guy that I killed. Get it?

I thought I'd heard them all, man.

So, uh... what were you saying about the job?

Uh, well... it's just that, uh...

We-- we were all... talking...

We have decided to make you the employee of the month.

Thank you.

Yeah. All right.

Sam, what gives?

I been working my butt off for you for seven years,

and you're making Tiny the employee of the month?

Not now, man. I'm trying to figure a way to get rid of him.

Boy, you're one fickle guy.

All right, please. Please. Help me out here.

Can I just be the voice of reason here

and suggest that we keep Tiny?

Personally, I think he's a welcome addition to the Cheers family.

Please. We got to do this, Carla.

I get it. This is an ego thing, huh? Right?

A handsome man comes into this bar,

and you just can't stand it, can you?

Wait. Hold it. I've got an idea.

I got an idea. Listen, come here.

What we do is we tell him that Cheers is built

on an ancient burial ground, and we scare him out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got one.

No, this is very popular nowadays.

We tell him we got a radon gas, very deadly,

seeping up through the floorboards, and we're all goners anyways.

What about a bomb threat?

What about treating him like a human being with feelings?

No, that would never--

Aw, man. I'm sorry.

We never, we...

I'm big, not deaf, and I'll go now.

Nice working with you folks.

Greetings, all.

Hey, Frasier. what can we get you?

Uh... just a scotch, please, Sam.

Boy, what a day I've had.

I'd like to unwind.

I think I've earned it.

Coming right up, Dr. Crane.

I've really earned it, Woody.

I mean this was a real bad day.

I'll tell you when to stop, Woody!

One more, Woody.

One more for the...

The big stooge.

One more for the big loser.

One more for the big boob.

Hey, hear that? Frasier wants to buy you guys a drink.

Woody, Woody. Come to me for a moment here.

Listen...

When you go home tonight to your wife Kelly,

you treat her right.

You promise me...

Treat her right.

Hell of a woman.

If I wasn't married, I'd be all over her like white on rice.

That perky little caboose of hers!

Here you go.

What's this?

That's black coffee on the house.

Very generous.

You guys are true friends to stand by me in my hour of need.

Frase, come on, we all know what you're going through.

Oh. Oh, do you, Norm?

What if you found out Vera was sleeping with another man?

Yeah, right. And what if it rained beer?

I want you all to know I'm not blaming her.

It's because of me

that my life is in the arms of another man.

Oh, you mean wife, don't you, Dr. Crane?

What? You said "life."

"It's because of me my life is in the arms of another man."

That's a Freudian slip, there, Wood.

What's a Freudian slip?

That's when you say one thing

when you're actually thinking about a mother.

Frasier?

I need to speak with you in private.

Oh, no, you don't.

I want everyone here to hear what I've got to say to you.

Lilith, I realize

that it is I and not you who are to blame.

Whatever you've done...

I'm sure I gave you ample reason for it.

I've been... arrogant, overbearing,

selfish, self-absorbed.

I've spent way too much time in this place.

I really think we should go somewhere else to discuss this.

No, Lilith, so you had a fling. So what?

I've put all that behind me.

I forgive you.

And I... I take you back with open arms.

I'm sorry, Frasier.

I wanted to break it off with Dr. Pascal,

but I'm afraid it's more serious than I thought.

I think I'm in love with him,

and I'm leaving you.

Well, this is...

Twice today that I've...

publicly made a fool of myself.

Aw, you get used to it, Doc.