Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

What do you want to do tonight, Cliff?

I don't know. What do you want to do?

I don't know.

You guys, you do this all day long for hours.

Face it, Rebecca. We're bored. Nothing ever happens around here.

Oh, my God.

Hey, it's Andy Andy.

What, you know this person?

Yeah. Former major felon. Once killed a waitress.

Where's Diane? I demand to see Diane!

Miss Chambers hasn't worked here in five or six years.

Oh, really?

Well...

Okay.

So...

What do you want to do?

Well, well, well. So Maggie O'Keefe's back in town.

Couldn't get enough of the old Clavin monster, I guess.

Who's... who's Maggie O'Keefe?

That's Cliff's old girlfriend.

I'm sorry. Cliff's what?

No, no. I've been thinking about you, too.

What?

Come on. Can't say that in front of the guys.

All right. I love you, too.

That was Ma. Maggie's back in town.

So how long has it been since you've seen Maggie?

Oh, about six months.

She skipped off to Canada for a while, and...

according to Ma, she's back in town, wants to see me.

I guess she's just looking for a booster shot of vitamin CC.

Yeah. Maybe things just didn't work out in Canada.

I'll never forget when my uncle Orlo left Hanover

to seek his fortune in the big city.

Know what happened?

Terre Haute just chewed him up and spit him out.

Yep. Came back with his head between his legs.

Actually, I think the expression is "tail between his legs."

No. There was a train accident on the way back.

Yeah.

It's a real tragedy.

Yeah. A year later, he drowned in a sitz bath.

Guess what I kept seeing as I was driving into work just now?

The middle finger of every driver in Boston?

No, the new ad campaign for Gary's Old Towne Tavern.

He has got billboards, buses, tops of taxis.

He's got everything. I'm telling you, that guy's business is going to double.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I think that we should do some advertising.

Maybe we should do a commercial on the radio.

A jingle. Something real catchy.

No, I don't want to do a jingle.

That's stupid.

You know, Sammy's right there, Becs. What you want is a word-of-mouth campaign.

I'd be happy to help.

I'll talk it up down at the old post office.

Before you know it, this place will be wall-to-wall with letter carriers.

You think I'm entertaining. Multiply me by a hundred.

- Jingle! - Jingle!

Well, Miss Howe you have certainly come to the right place.

I'm going to hook you up with our very best composer.

Send in Jason.

We should probably talk about the budget now.

Yes, I am prepared to spend as much as $200.

Keep Jason. Somebody wake up Sy Flembeck.

Oh, advertising.

You know, I almost went into advertising.

I think I would've been real good at it because I am really good with...

what's that called when people are... two people are talking to each other?

You mean communication.

Yes! I have a real knack for that.

So, it's curtains for me, huh?

The old "Adios, Flembeck."

I knew this day would come.

I gave this firm the best years of my life.

It turns around and kicks me right in the hemorrhoid hotel.

Pardon my French, babe.

Well, before I go, let me tell you something,

Mr. Pimply-Faced Teenager who's running the shop this week,

I wrote 'Chocolate, chocolate, who ate my bar?"

When you were still dangling from your mother's breast,

you cheap SOB.

Sy, we've got a job for you.

You didn't let me finish.

You have to be that way cause you're a leader.

Leadership has its price, and I respect that.

And I respect you.

Does it show?

The love, I mean.

Well, here you go, Miss Howe.

$200 worth of perfection.

Let's go to my cubicle, babe.

We'll throw some ideas at the wall, and see if they stick.

This is so exciting.

This is Cheers.

Great. Where's the old 88s?

Right over here.

Do you think you can write something for this place

that's really going to capture the spirit of Cheers?

But you have to do it right away.

Because there's a lot of competition out there.

Let me ask you something.

Why don't you put a little more pressure on me?

Because I haven't had a stroke in about two months.

- Thank you. - Sorry.

I'm sure you'll do a great job.

Of course I will.

Perhaps you heard my humble efforts for Fred's Tune-ups.

Tune-ups, tune-ups That's our game

F-r-e-d-s

If you don't come here That's a shame

F-r-e-d-s

With an F-F here

Everybody!

F-f there

E-excuse me!

Isn't that just "Old MacDonald's Farm"?

When Old MacDonald pays me 200 bucks,

it'll be "Old MacDonald's Farm."

So, Cliff ie, when is Maggie actually going to show up here?

Yeah, where's this alleged girlfriend of yours?

Paul, I'm sure there's a very good reason

why she isn't here.

Thank you, Carla.

Namely that Clavin dismembered her and stacked her in his freezer.

The police took that call of yours very seriously.

Missed a half a day's work, thank you very much.

Poor Ma didn't know what to think.

She tossed out a whole year's worth of Omaha steaks trying to protect me.

You must be pretty excited to see Maggie, huh?

Oh, yeah. Darn excited, Sammy.

Yeah, boy, when we're together, we're the hottest couple imaginable.

Yeah, I got the hormones, the drive, the needs.

Yes sirree, my body's like one big erogenous zone.

Five, four, three...

What are you doing, Carla?

Counting down. I'm about to launch my lunch.

Whoop. Whoop. Look at that. Here comes Maggie now.

Yeah, well, I just better stand firm.

I mean, nobody ties Cliff Clavin down, that's for sure.

She can have me back, but no commitments.

Mark my words.

Hey, there, baby.

Remember me?

I sure do, Cliff.

Or should I say "Daddy"?

How is he?

Oh, I'm sure he's fine. How's he doing there, Frasier?

Oh, better, I think.

Carla volunteered to bathe his face with cold water.

He was doing fine till the seat came down on his head.

I should go to him.

No. Trust me. I'm a doctor.

I've seen many cases of shock.

What I suggest you do is go out for a while,

give Cliff time to regain his composure, then you can come on back, sit down,

and have a nice little chat with him about...

...well, whatever it is you wish to discuss with him.

Thank you, Doctor.

Perhaps it was a bit much to spring on him.

Tell him I'll be back in a little while.

All right.

Well, from our 'things you never thought you'd hear" category,

that woman is carrying Cliff's child.

Come on, buddy.

Where is she?

She had to step out for a little while.

I'll be damned.

Let me be the first to congratulate you, Cliff ie.

Thanks, Sam.

You dog, Cliff ie. Yeah.

What can I say, man? I'm shocked.

How come?

Well, you always claimed that you and Margaret were,

you know, doing it, but I never really... you know...

I'm just surprised is all, Cliff.

So, she's pregnant with your child.

You going to go through Lamaze,

or you figure it'll just burst out through her chest?

Why did you do it, Cliff?

I begged you to get yourself fixed.

I even offered to pay for it. Hell, I offered to do it for you.

Come on, you guys. It's celebration time here.

Hey, drinks on the house! My friend's gonna be a daddy!

- Yay! Yay! - Yeah!

You are going to marry her, aren't you, Mr. Clavin?

Be a shame to have to stone her.

Well...

I guess you do things differently

back there in Hanover, don't you, Wood?

America's heartland.

Well, I should have expected it. I mean, the Clavins never fire blanks.

We're breeders, spawners.

My loins are brimming with vitality.

Well, I'll never eat again. Anybody else?

Let's get your mother on the phone, tell her about it, huh?

Get her down here, we'll have a little celebration.

There you go. Good idea, Sammy.

But...

What?

Sammy, could I see you?

So what do you think Cliff ie will have, a boy, girl?

Is there a third choice?

Sammy, you know, I don't think that's my baby.

Why not?

Well, let's just say that, you know, sometimes studs know.

Remind me again how studs know?

Well, you know, sometimes studs just choose to wait it out.

Cliff, you... you never actually had sex with Maggie, did you?

Well, that depends there, Sam.

- Define sex. - Oh, Cliff.

You know, we... we meant to,

but we just never really got around to it there.

You still think I'm a stud, don't you?

Yes, of course. More than ever, man.

You know, sometimes it takes...

takes a bigger stud not to have sex.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, man.

I'm just trying to help you. Work with me here, will you?

Ah, Sammy, I'm such a failure. I feel so ashamed of myself.

Oh, no. Don't do that.

Lots of people don't have sex on dates.

Hell, I've dated lots of women I've never had sex with.

That's kind of hard to believe there, Sammy.

You're not working with me here, Cliff.

Listen, wait a second. I don't get something here.

If it's not your kid, how come Maggie's coming in here

and calling you "Daddy"?

That's easy. She's setting up a trap for me.

Put yourself in the frame of mind of the female psyche.

She goes off, gets herself pregnant,

looking for a husband, provider, best friend, lover.

Okay. First name on top of her wish list...

Cliff Clavin?

Bingo.

So...

What do you think, Sam?

I don't know if I'm ready to get married or not.

You don't have to. It's not your kid.

It's not your responsibility.

Yeah, but you know, I was out there

in front of the guys bragging about myself.

Oh, hell, they don't have to find out about this.

It's none of their business.

What do I tell them?

Tell them...

...that you weighed the pros and cons, and that at this point in your life

you don't feel like marriage is the right thing for you.

Yeah. Hey, that's great, Sammy. Thank you.

- Yeah. - Hey, stud handshake.

Oh. Well...

- Oh. All right. - There you go.

Listen, Sam, just to set the record straight,

just because I didn't have sex with Margaret

doesn't mean I haven't bagged my share of chicks.

- No, I know that. - I know you.

I'm a pretty sexy guy. Women sort of pick up on that.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

Want to know my secret?

Don't wear any underwear. It's too restraining.

That's... that's super, man.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing that.

I got a little announcement to make.

Margaret and I will not be getting married.

See, I've weighed the pros and cons...

That's not your kid, is it?

No. See...

You and Maggie didn't do it, did you?

Well, no.

I didn't tell you guys

cause I didn't want you to think any less of me.

Oh, I don't think that's actually possible, Cliff.

Thank you, big guy.

Hey, babe, your ship just came in.

The muse has visited Sy Flembeck.

- Want to hear what she had to say? - Oh, boy, do I.

I just love the whole creative process, and I can be pretty creative myself.

Oh, yeah? Then why don't you be Sy Flembeck,

I'll be the annoying broad, how's that?

- Go ahead. - All right.

"The Cheers Theme" by Sy Flembeck.

Beer and pretzels, That's our game

C-h-e-r-s

If you don't come here, That's a shame

C-h-e-r-s

With a C-C here

Wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing? That's all wrong.

First of all, "Cheers" is spelled with two E's.

Second, I paid you a lot of money to come up with an original tune.

You don't need an original tune. You want something

that will bore a hole through the public's little pea brains.

You are all hype and no substance.

I was mesmerized by your show business savvy.

You couldn't write a jingle to save your life.

Hey, babe, come on. Wait a minute!

What is it, huh? What, what?

The 'Old MacDonald" melody? Hey! I can change that.

Sy Flembeck is nothing if he's not versatile.

All right. Just a minute. Okay. I got it.

Beer and pretzels, That's our game

That's our game, That's our game

Beer and pretzels, That's our game

C-h-e-r-s

E! E! E-E!

Out.

What's the matter, babe?

Can't work with a man you're attracted to?

Oh, God. Out!

I'll be home all night.

The pay phone's just down the hall from my room.

God.

What a hack.

I should have known it the first time I heard

that stupid Fred's Tune-ups song.

Thanks a lot, lady. Now I'm gonna have

that stupid jingle in my head all night.

- What stupid jingle? - You know the one.

Tune-ups, tune-ups, That's our game

F-r-e-d-s

I could use a tune-up. Are they any good?

You heard the song. Tune-ups are their game.

Where are they located?

1413 Burlingame, F-r-e-d-s

Sy! Sy, wait a minute!

Oh, Cliff, you okay?

Yeah, I am fine, Maggie. Thanks.

I'm sorry I was gone for so long.

I went out and had some pizza and ribs,

and ice cream, and pickles, and chocolate.

Maybe it's Norm's kid.

Maggie, I'd like to talk to you in private for a few minutes.

You mind stepping this way here?

Hey, Sammy, okay if we use your office, buddy?

Promise me you won't go through my drawers.

Yeah, okay, I won't.

That's what you said last time.

How many times can I say I'm sorry?

Here. Have a seat there, Maggie.

Maggie, Maggie, Maggie...

There's so much I want to say to you and...

So much you want to say to me and...

So...

Holy cow. For a guy who's always crying poverty,

Sam Malone's doing pretty well for himself.

Cliff.

Yeah. You know, Maggie, I've been thinking.

You and I both know that baby couldn't possibly be mine.

Oh, Maggie.

Cliff, I'm so ashamed. You're right. The baby isn't yours.

I just didn't know where else to turn.

Well, what happened, Maggie?

Well, up in Canada, I met a man and fell in love,

and everything was perfect.

We were going to get married,

and then he got scared and called everything off,

and I didn't have anyone to turn to, so of course I thought

of the most decent, honorable man I know.

I'm sorry, Cliff.

So you...

You just run out on me, and you meet this guy, get pregnant,

he dumps you, and you come back

so old Cliff will take care of you.

That's right, Cliff.

Can do.

What?

I will marry you, Margaret.

Oh, thank you, Cliff.

Hey. Here's a little-known fact, I'm going to be your daddy.

You know, this isn't exactly the way

I've dreamed about starting a family there, Maggie,

but I've always thought the world of you.

And I know you'd do the same for me if the situations were reversed.

But, Cliff, how can...

Never mind.

All right. So, hey, look, here's what we do.

We skedaddle down to City Hall, make this thing legal,

then we go to my place, sedate Ma, and give her the good news.

Okay!

Oh. Let me just call Jerry and tell him he's off the hook

so he won't worry about me anymore.

Is it okay to use this phone to call long distance?

Yeah, sure. I do it all the time.

Well, Sammy, champagne all around.

Hey. Hey. Whoa.

Yeah. I decided to marry Margaret, make an honest woman of her,

and raise her child as my own. Yeah.

Congratulations, Cliff.

I know you'll enjoy reaping the rewards of fatherhood.

It's not like I'm not prepared. I do own a copy of The Little Mermaid.

Let me be the first to propose a toast.

To the new father, Cliff Clavin.

To the new father.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Cliff.

Ah. Excuse me. The old ball and chain.

Cliff, I just talked to Jerry.

I hope you told him that a real man

is gonna take care of you and the baby.

He wants me back.

Beg pardon?

He said he loves me.

He can't stand the thought of another man raising his child,

so you're off the hook.

Aren't you happy?

Well, if you're happy.

I'm happy.

Well, then I'm happy.

Yeah, I...

Ladies and gentlemen, please, don't just sit there.

Raise your glasses in a toast to...

...Mother Margaret here and the new father Jerry.

- To Jerry. - Jerry.

Thanks, everyone.

Cliff, would you mind giving me a ride

to the bus station?

If I leave now, I can be there in 72 hours.

Yeah. Sure.

I'm a little confused, Sam.

Well, Maggie's going back to Canada to marry the father of her baby.

Cliff was going to marry her, but now he doesn't have to.

No. I mean about taking 72 hours to get to Canada.

I thought it was much further than that.

You know, Cliff, in a way, I'm a little disappointed

that we're not getting married.

We'll never make love again.

Again?

Maggie, I think your memory is as faulty as your birth control.

We... we never actually did make love.

Sure we did.

The night before I left, remember? You had those two wine coolers.

No kidding?

Geez, I thought I fell asleep.

You... you mean you and I actually...

...and I don't remember.

Boy, that's something.

So...

...how was I?

- The truth, Cliff? - No.

- You were great. - Yeah!

- Both times. - Both times! Wow!

Wow!