Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, Sammy.

Hey, Tim.

I just heard the news. You had a fire?

Yeah, a couple of weeks ago.

The place looks great.

Yeah, thanks a lot. We've been working pretty hard.

We got our grand reopening tonight.

So, how'd the fire start?

Oh, yeah. Glad you asked. Sit down right here.

Right there. Yeah.

Rebecca!

Right over there.

I burned down the bar with a carelessly tossed cigarette.

It was a stupid thing to do,

and I'll be paying for it for the rest of my life.

Hey, Sammy. You did a great job on the rebuilding.

The place looks a million times better than it did before.

Thanks, Paul.

Paul told me all about the fire. Gee, that's tough.

Yeah, thank you. You want to hear how it started?

- Yeah, sure. - Great. Sit down.

Rebecca!

Right over there in the sweater.

I burned down the bar with a carelessly tossed cigarette.

It was a stupid thing to do,

and I'll be paying for it for the rest of my life.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

Hey, Norm, getting ready for the big opening.

It's right here, Sammy.

Start pouring beer in it anytime.

Listen, I guess we have to start a new tab, huh?

It's too bad we lost my old bar tab in the fire.

Actually, I had it in the safe.

You did?

Why?

Well, to tell the truth, it's kind of my most valuable asset.

I like to think of it as my retirement plan.

One of these days, you'll start paying,

and I can start thinking about retiring.

Yeah, well, I'd make other plans.

Phone company.

- Looking for a Rebecca Howe. - That's me.

Well, hello.

The name's Bernard.

If I'd known you were such a foxy lady...

...I would've worn my clean pants.

Bernard, we need you to get the phones working...

The one here in the bar, one back in the office,

and the pay phone over there.

We haven't had phone service in two weeks.

Relax, pretty lady. I'll give you service.

Get it?

So much for foreplay.

Just fix the phones.

Hey, you still got it with the guys.

Look at this place, huh?

I can't wait to see how surprised Carla will be

when she sees how much work we've done the last couple of weeks.

Where is Carla, anyway?

She took a temporary job over in that new bar on Boylston,

Mr. Pubb's, one of those chains.

She'll be here for the grand opening, though.

Yeah, well, I, for one, don't miss her.

That little foul-mouthed, fright-wigged rodent.

Hey, Carla!

Hi, guys.

Woody, what are you doing back here?

How come you're not on your honeymoon?

Honeymoon? Is that what you call it

when two people lock themselves in a room

and refuse to speak or even look at each other?

No, Wood, that's marriage.

Hey, what happened?

Kelly and I found out we're from different religions.

I thought you and Kelly were both Lutheran.

Oh, well, that's what I thought.

Turns out she's the Lutheran Church of America.

I'm Lutheran Church Missouri Synod.

What if we had children? We'd have half-breeds.

Woody, very often these problems can be resolved by a group session.

Oh, no. I don't think so, Dr. Crane.

The sight of Kelly with another man would drive me crazy.

No, Frasier's talking about counseling, Woody.

You are, aren't you?

Counseling, yes.

See?

Perhaps Lilith and I could provide some help.

Oh, that's nice, Dr. Crane.

I'll ask Kelly...

If she's not too busy begging at airports

or whatever those people do.

I'll be finished in about an hour.

Tell me something.

You ever seen the ceiling of a phone truck?

Listen, buster.

You get my phones working, or I'll come down on you

with a sexual harassment suit that'll make your head spin,

that is if there's a neck in there somewhere.

All right, all right!

Your service will be back on in a couple of hours.

Lesbian, huh?

You'd be surprised how many of those I run into in a day.

Who put a quarter in this bar that I just finished varnishing?

I did. Go ahead. Try to pick it up.

I can't. It's stuck in the varnish.

Right. You can't pick it up no matter how hard you try.

Why don't you guys just go away

and come back tonight for the reopening?

This is the way you treat us? We come in to help you,

and now you kick us out?

Two hours of putting the Indian and wooden lady

in dirty positions is not helping.

I tell you, fellas. You want to help out?

Why don't you go over and get Carla?

She's at the bar in Boylston, Mr. Pubb's, okay?

Get her back here. I want her an hour early.

We're gonna have that ribbon-cutting ceremony.

- Sure thing. - Done.

Say, Normie, want to stop on the way for a sandwich?

It's three blocks over to Boylston.

No, not to worry, Cliff ie. I stuffed my pockets with pretzels.

Something I learned in the Boy Scouts... You got to be prepared.

You were in Boy Scouts?

Yeah, for about a week. Then I quit.

How come?

There was some talk about going on a hike.

Hi. Welcome to Mr. Pubb's.

My name is Carla.

I'll be your server for the evening. What can I get you?

A scotch on the rocks.

An excellent choice, sir.

That's great, Carla.

That's the first time you did it without the Mr. Pubb's handbook.

Bite my pubb!

Well, Carla, you've really come a long way in the past two weeks.

Thank you, sir.

Scotch on the rocks for table 12.

Coming right up.

So's my lunch.

Boy, oh, boy.

Does this place have enough neon or what?

It looks like the inside of a UFO in here.

No, actually, Norm, they're quite different.

I guess.

Welcome to Mr. Pubb's.

Someone will be here in a moment to help you, friend.

We just need a couple of beers.

From which country? We have over 200 to choose from.

What say, Cliff ie?

Once around the world and then home?

All right.

Oh, man, wow! Look at this.

Not only do they have a video arcade, but they got 10 big-screen TVs

right over there on the wall.

Each one of them televising a different game.

Boy, I bet your neck would get really sore moving your head back and forth

from game to game.

Try just moving your eyes.

Hey, cool.

Well, well, well.

Where's your organ grinder?

Right here.

I just mean, don't you feel kind of silly in that outfit?

Of course I feel silly in this outfit.

I can't wait till my shift ends

so I can get my paycheck and head back to Cheers.

Carla, we have a birthday at table four.

A birthday!

A birthday!

If you guys... if you guys ever,

ever say one word about what you are about to see me do,

the last thing you'll see is me taking a bite

out of your still-beating hearts.

Ready?

One, two, three...

A happy, happy birthday

From Mr. Pubb's to you

A happy, happy birthday

From Mr. Pubb's to you

Hey

Boy... poor, Carla, huh?

I'd hate to have a job like that...

Wearing a dorky uniform out in public all day.

There but for the grace of God, huh, Norm?

Okay, overstuffed potato skins.

Hey, we didn't make fun of you.

No... these.

These. It's happy hour. They're complimentary.

What are you guys doing here, anyway?

Sammy asked us to come by to make sure

you stopped by Cheers early.

I'll tell you, I can't wait to get out of this hellhole.

Carla, can I see you a minute, please?

Yes, sir.

Here's your paycheck for the past two weeks.

You had a rocky start, but at the rate you're improving at,

you might just be up for a promotion in the next month or so.

- Seriously? - Here at Mr. Pubb's, we believe

in promoting from within.

I see you noticed our Mr. Pubb's satisfied customer bonus.

I never had a satisfied customer bonus before.

Come to think of it, I never had a satisfied customer before.

By the way, Carla, can you work an extra couple of hours tonight?

- We're a little shorthanded. - You bet I can.

That's the Mr. Pubb's spirit, Carla.

Hey, listen, guys, something just came up.

You're going to have to tell Sammy that I'm going to be late.

What?

Come on, it's Sammy's big opening night.

You're gonna break his heart.

Just tell him I'll explain later.

That's amazing, Norm.

Carla's not going to show up there for Sammy's grand reopening.

Let's go back and break the news to him, I guess.

Wahba! Wahba! Wahba, everybody. It's Luau night at Mr. Pubb's,

complete with complimentary pu pu platters!

We're not going back to Cheers, are we, Cliff?

No, we are not.

Hey, fellas, look what I've got here.

What's that?

The bar business is getting more and more competitive.

I've been racking my brains

trying to figure out how I can compete.

I think I've finally got the answer.

A toaster oven?

See, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna put some saltines in here,

melt some American cheese on top,

serve them to the customers. A buck a plate maybe?

There goes my last reason for staying home.

Sam, you better get started on those.

The grand reopening is in less than an hour.

Whoa, you're kidding me?

Where the hell are Carla and the other guys?

Hey, do me a favor, will you, fellas?

Will you go over to that Mr. Pubb's place

and bring them all back, please?

I don't know, Sammy.

- It really is kind of far. - Let them come back on their own.

All right, a complimentary plate of cracker snacks for you.

What do you say?

Each?

All right. All right.

You drive a hard bargain. Get out of here.

Hi, everyone.

Kelly, I admire you for coming.

I believe a marriage is worth saving.

That's not all she believes.

Ask her why she believes the Book of Concord

and the Scriptures aren't on the same level.

- Go ahead, ask her. - Because they're not.

Ask her why the sacraments are considered vehicles of grace.

- Go ahead. I dare you. - They're symbolic memorials.

Heretic!

Now, now...

You two.

Perhaps a page from Frasier's and my personal history

will calm the waters.

Woody...

Kelly...

I am Jewish, and Frasier is Episcopalian.

Now, originally, we feared this might cause conflict in our marriage,

but then we learned to compromise.

Even in the raising of our son, Frederick.

We make sure he experiences both sides of his religious heritage.

As usual, my darling wife is right.

Frederick goes to synagogue every Friday night.

He delights in hiding matzos at Passover.

The family celebrates Hanukkah.

Meanwhile, Christmas comes and goes without so much as a tree.

Odd, really,

because a Christmas tree isn't even symbolic of Christianity,

but apparently it threatens Lilith's Jewish faith.

Look out, everybody! A fir tree!

A 5,000-year-old religion,

and Frasier Crane's going to bring it down

with a four-foot tree and some tinsel.

Excuse me.

I'm just not sure how this applies to us.

Your religious differences are extremely inconsequential.

One is reminded of Gulliver's travels, in which two countries warred

over which side of an egg gets cracked,

the narrow end or the rounded end.

That's ridiculous. Of course it's the rounded end.

Kelly, I don't even know who you are anymore!

Sam, give me two beers and a scotch on the rocks.

I don't get it. Cheers is opening, and none of my close friends are here.

That's because you've sent everybody over to Mr. Pubb's to get Carla,

who, by the way, is two hours late.

You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of the spooky movie

where those people keep going into the barn,

and then they disappear.

So they send other people to go in there, and they disappear.

Then still others go in the barn, and they disappear.

Then they find out

there's a psycho killer in there stabbing everybody.

What was the name of that movie?

Don't Go in the Barn.

This is crazy.

I'm going over there right now and bring them back.

- Hold down the fort, will you? - Okay.

Congratulations on your reopening.

Trust me...

...one lambada with Bernard and you'll never look at another woman.

You don't get it, do you?

We're born this way.

Wow...

All these big-screen TVs

getting satellite feeds from all over the world.

Yeah, well, Normie, it's the information age.

We can receive up-to-the-minute stock prices,

medical breakthroughs,

political upheavals from all around the globe.

Of course, we'd have to turn off the cartoons first.

Oh, there you are. Hey, fellas!

- Hey, Sammy! - Sammy!

What are you doing here? You're missing, you know, the opening.

- It's that late already? - Is it that late already?

You telling me you've just been playing games around here

and watching the TVs?

Sam, we got caught up in them.

Sammy, is this place great or what?

So's a little place called Cheers, or have you forgotten?

Did you tell them about the cracker snacks?

I'm talking American cheese on top of some saltines.

Maybe 50 cents a plate. Can't beat that, huh?

Excuse me. Hi!

Happy hour ribs... complimentary.

You were saying, Sammy?

Never mind. Never mind.

Hey, Carla, hey... What are you doing?

How come you're still in uniform? You're supposed to be at Cheers.

I'm not going back, Sammy.

- What do you mean? - I want to, I really do,

but they're paying me too much money here.

I can't give it up.

What are you saying? You're saying you're quitting?

When were you going to tell me, never?

I tried to call you, but I couldn't get through.

I asked the guys to tell you, but they never went back.

Wait, wait. This is crazy.

You and I have been working together for 14 years.

Sammy, can't you be happy for me?

I found a job that pays me a lot of money.

Fine, all right, fine.

I'll tell you something. You want to quit?

You have the courtesy to come to my bar

and tell me face-to-face.

Until you do that, I consider you still employed at Cheers.

Okay, fine, I'll stop by to quit as soon as I'm off.

- Yeah, you do that. - Okay, I will.

- Fine. - Fine.

Fine back.

Hey, fellas, enjoy the ribs.

You know, American cheese is one of the world's finest cheeses.

And melted on a saltine, that's a party in your mouth.

Anybody feel like maybe we should walk back to Cheers?

Let's do that, huh?

Wait, wait. Boys, be prepared.

Hey, hey, hey, Carla... Let me get this straight.

You're really not going back to Cheers?

I know, it's a lousy job, Norm,

but for the amount of money they're throwing at me,

there's nothing I can't take.

Carla...

I'm going to put a new trainee with you

for the next two weeks.

She's a bright girl.

She's an anthropology student at BU.

Ellen.

Ellen, come and meet Carla.

Well, you must be Carla.

I know what you're thinking. She doesn't look like a waitress.

That's because I'm really a writer.

Or, actuellement...

a poetess.

Well, Mr. Missouri Synod, you demanded to see me?

Yeah, Kelly... would you please sit down here?

I have something very important to tell you.

Listen...

What's gone on these last few days has affected me very deeply.

I love you, Kelly.

That's why I'm now a member

of the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America,

just like you.

Oh, Woody.

You've saved our marriage.

What a wonderful sacrifice.

Now when we die and go to heaven,

we won't be separated by barbed wire and barking dogs.

What was it exactly that saved you, Woody?

It was something Dr. Crane said.

That thing about how true love can overcome all differences?

Not exactly.

He took me aside and said I'd better get used to giving in to you

on every point for the rest of our lives

if I ever wanted to see you naked again.

Well, he is a PhD, you know.

Yes, dear.

Shall we resume our honeymoon?

Yes, dear.

Woody...

Today you are a man.

Yes, dear.

Hey, Carla, I'm so glad you're back.

Yeah, me, too, Sammy.

Why won't you tell me why you left that place?

Sammy, believe me, you're better off not knowing.

Just swear to me you'll never go back in that bar.

You're talking like there was some sort of

psycho killer there or something.

If only.

Sammy, just swear to me you won't go back.

Okay, I won't go.

I'm just glad you're here.

Yeah, isn't it funny how things work out?

I mean, you know, if I'd stayed at Mr. Pubb's,

I would have made a lot more money,

but I never would've met my date for tonight.

Your date?

Ready to go, sweetheart?

Last straight broad in America

and Bernard's got her.