All language subtitles for Cheers.S10E25-E26.An.Old.Fashioned.Wedding.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Move it, you deadbeats!
We're closing early.

Woody, our bartender,
is getting married,

and we're all going
to the wedding,

Go on.
Get the hell out of here.

If you're still thirsty,
go on over to Bob's.

Gee, it's nice to
see my cousins again.

You know, sitting here
in my dinner jacket,

I feel I should
be tossing off

brittle Noel Coward
bon mots.

Do you know any brittle
Noel Coward bon mots?

As a matter of fact,
I do. It seems that

after being told that a very
boring acquaintance of his

had put a bullet
through his brain,

Coward said,
"He must have been a remarkable shot."

Ha ha ha ha!

Did he often find humor
in the tragedy of others?

Darling, you're missing
the humor, dear.

He got his jollies
from massive head trauma?

You're missing
the whimsy.

For God's sake Frasier, can you
imagine the state of mind

that would drive a man
to do something like that?

Can you picture the
despair he must have felt,

facing a future in which
any hope or joy

seemed utterly impossible?

I think I can
picture that, dear.

So what did you clowns

get the happy couple?

Well, you know, Carla,
recent surveys show

there's a lot of wasteful
duplication in wedding gifts.

Yeah. Everybody gets, like,
you know,

four toasters,
and four-dozen fondue forks

They all wind up
sitting in a closet somewhere.

-So we went for the practical.
- Yeah.

Ta-da!

Hey, wait a minute.

Is that a new
garbage can?

Yeah.

Like hell it is.
You just took that

out of your kitchen
and brought it here.

This is a seasoned
receptacle, okay?

They got some fetish
to look at a brand-new garbage can,

they can come over
to my kitchen.

Darling, what's
taking you so long

just to write
a simple card?

We're the most articulate couple
Woody and Kelly know.

I'd like to leave them
with some words

they can re-read and cherish
20 years from now.

If they're still married then.

Forgive me if I seem
unduly cynical,

but I've treated so many emotionally
scarred husbands and wives,

it's hard for me
to get sentimental

over a simple
greeting card.

What did you write?

"May you never forget the
way your hearts leapt up

when first you gazed
into each other's eyes."

Oh, God, Lilith!
I still remember.

Whoa, guys,
this is going to be

some kind of
wedding reception.

I tell ya, it was pretty nice
of Mr. Gaines

to buy all his
liquor from us.

I think I'm going
to throw in

that special case of
wine I got in here.

Sam, you might as well
leave on your apron.

You're going down
to the cellar.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

It's all cobwebby
down there.

It's a perfectly
sensible precaution.

After all, it's not as though
he slept in a shower cap.

Well, so what if he did?

I mean, like any guy might.

You know, to keep
the spiders off his head.

Do you realize

when I publish my book
on borderline psychosis,

every penny I ever spent
in this bar will be deductible?

I just hope it's a short wedding.

I can't wait to get to that cake.
I'm starving.

I gather the preparations for this event
have been somewhat lavish.

Somewhat?

We are talking about
the wedding of the year.

Look at
this guest list--

Tycoons, Philanthropists,
European royalty.

The kind of wonderful crowd
that I could be mingling with right now

if Robin and I
had stayed together,

which, of course,
we didn't.

He went his way,
and I went mine,

and the dream ended,
and that was that.

And now I've got to go over there
and schlep booze

so those rich pigs
can pour it down their ugly throats.

Life sucks.

Okay to call on you
for a wedding toast?

Hey! Here's the
blushing bridegroom now.

How you doing, Woody?

Fine. Fine.

What you smiling
about there?

Am I smiling, Sam?

Okay, I'll stop.

Well, you're acting all weird.
What's going on?

Am I acting weird, Sam?
Okay, I'll stop.

Yeah.
You're spacing out.

You've got that goofy
look on your face

and that look in your eyes
that that I always get right after--

Aww... Don't tell me.

You and Kelly couldn't wait

for your wedding night,
could you? Oh!

Ooh! It's given me a whole
new perspective, Sam.

Suddenly I understand
all those jokes

you guys have been
telling me.

And by the way,
ha ha, Mr. Peterson,

and ha ha ha,
Mr. Clavin,

and ho ho, shame on you,
Dr. Crane.

But tell me, Woody,
Why, after three years of chastity

and just hours
before the wedding?

Well, Kelly was modeling
her trousseau,

and she just
looked so good,

and we couldn't
help ourselves.

We figured it's okay.

As long as we're
getting married today, you know.

You still respect me,
right, Sam?

Oh, come on.
You'd still respect me, wouldn't you?

Let's not open up
that can of worms.

Ha ha ha!

Woody, I understand
completely.

You know, forbidden fruit
is often the sweetest.

Many men look back
on premarital sex

as the last real thrill they had

before the cold,
dead hand of matrimony

turned what was
once exciting

into predictable routine.

According to this
idiotic book I read.

I just worry
about Kelly's father.

He's pretty traditional
about those things.

- I wouldn't want him finding out.
- Hi, lover.

Gee, I don't know what
would tip him off.

Shouldn't you be home
getting dressed?

Uh-huh, but I missed you.

Oh, I missed you, too.

You know, no matter how
often I see it,

the sight of young lovers

never fails to make me sick.

Kelly? Kelly.

Kelly!

Look, I gotta
ask you something.

I'm making you guys
an astrological marriage chart

for a wedding present,

and I got to get
some information.

Oh, gee, I...
I don't know my sign.

But I know
I'm not a Virgo.

I know your date of birth
and where you were born,

but what I got to know is what time
you were born, exactly.

It was eight in the morning.

I weighed seven pounds,
three ounces.

I had very fine hair

and a tiny little birthmark
on my shoulder.

Daddy said it was
the sweetest thing you've ever seen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you believe that sweet,
innocent baby girl

grew up and got it on
with the Woodman this morning?

8:00 a.m. Got it. Okay.

Kelly, who's performing
the ceremony?

Don't you have an uncle
who's a minister?

Yes, Uncle Roger,

but it didn't seem
right to ask him.

He's going through
a terrible divorce right now.

Apparently, he got
tired of coming home

and finding his wife
in bed with hives.

That's pretty
insensitive of him.

- Hives was their butler.
- Oh.

Oh!

Oh, bad news, guys.

The wedding's off.

What are you talking
about, Carla?

Well, according to my chart,

this is the worst possible day
for you guys to get married.

If you do, the wedding
will be a disaster.

For crying out loud, Carla,
you ought to know by now

horoscopes are for suckers.

Oh, they're for suckers,
huh, Clavin?

Sure. I was reading
an article debunking them

in last month's
UFO Spotter's Guide.

You know, kids,
astrology's bad enough,

but she's also a Cassandra
into the bargain,

always prophesying doom.

You know, when Lilith
and I got married,

she predicted
that our marriage

would descend
into a life of endless bickering.

That's not exactly
what she said, Frasier.

Yes, it is,
word for word.

No. You're
misremembering, as usual.

It's my story. Why can't
you keep your oar out?

Because inaccuracy is a mark
of sloppy thinking.

And what is butting in
a mark of?

I'm telling you.
Woody, you got to call this thing off.

Just reschedule it for
any other day but this.

That's out of the question.
After what happened this morning,

Kelly and I have to get married,
or she'll be a fallen woman,

and I'll have brought
disgrace on my whole family,

just like Uncle Orlo when he
got caught checking into a motel

with a cream
separating machine.

It may not seem shocking now,
but in the early sixties,

that was considered
pretty weird.

Nope.
Got to get married today.

Woody's right.
If we don't get married today,

we'll never be able
to face each other.

Okay. Suit yourselves,
but don't blame me.

Come on.
Don't listen to her.

Kelly, we'd better get
you home

so you can get into
that wedding dress.

Come on, you two.
Cut it out.

Otherwise, you're going
to be getting married in

nothing but high heels
and a wedding veil,

and how would that look?

Trust me, Sam.

Oh, that's great.

Okay, Rebecca,
you ready to go?

No, no, no. I want to
get a picture of everybody first

all dressed up.
Come on.

Everybody get over here
on the steps.

It's amazing how
different we all look

when we're dressed up,

sort of sophisticated
and debonair.

For crying out loud,
Norm, you stepped on my shoe!

You know how long
it took to get that shine on there?

Did Cliff ie get his
little shoesey wooseys messed up?

Hey! Will you knock it off!

How would you like
a smear on your "triple E's" pal?

Okay, all right.
I've got it set!

In five seconds,
the picture goes off!

Darn it...
I think my eyes were closed.

Come on, Carla.
As soon as we're finished setting up,

we can enjoy
the wedding.

I'm telling you, nobody's going to
enjoy this wedding.

The stars don't lie.
The day is going to be a disaster.

There's going to be carnage,
bloodshed, destruction.

People will be fighting each other
to get on stretchers

and begging to be put
out of their misery.

Carla, if you feel that way,
why didn't you just stay home?

What, and spend the night
with my kids?

Whoa!

Whoo! Boy, I tell you,
those are two

of the fiercest guard dogs
I've ever seen.

Mr. Gaines says if you just
call them by name

and speak firmly to them,
they're gentle as lambs.

That's good to know.
What are their names?

Hitler and Attila.

What do you want me
to do with this wine?

Why don't you just put it
over there in the wine closet?

All right.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Wine closet.

These certainly
look delicious.

Ow!

I have told you
again and again,

don't touch the food!

I am the caterer.
you are just bar people.

Why are you
being so rude?

We're caterers, too.

Opening a bag
of potato chips

does not make you
a caterer.

That is not a bag.
That is a can.

Those are Pringles,

Mr. Big-Time-Know-lt-All Chef.

Hey, that's the nicest wine closet
I've ever been in.

Well, Robin and I
were gonna have one too.

It was gonna have stereo,

and hanging plants, and

and two little chairs
and a little table, and

we would sit there late at night
with a very special bottle of wine.

The son-of-a-bitch.

You wanted to talk
to me, Mr. Gaines?

Yes, Woody. Now that
we're almost family,

Mr. Gaines sounds
pretty cold and formal.

Dad?

But better than that.
Have a seat here, Woody.

Now, Woody, I don't think
I've ever tried

to hide the fact that
I dislike you intensely.

I appreciate that, sir.

The only reason
I've accepted this union

is that my daughter
loves you so very much.

I know she's had other suitors
with better backgrounds,

but they all had one
thing on their minds.

They couldn't keep their hands off
my little girl, and I hate that.

But you,
on the other hand,

have always seemed to respect
and love my daughter.

Believe me, if I thought
for one moment

you didn't respect my Kelly,
I'd call off this wedding

and have those dogs
of mine eat you alive.

Do I make myself clear?

Oh, yes, sir.

Now, Woody,
I know this sounds

like a meddlesome
father-in-law giving advice,

But it isn't.

It's a threat.

I think he's starting
to like me.

Hey, Woody.

Hey. Ah! There's a
good shot right there.

Hey, Rebecca?

Say cheese.

- Oh, man!
- Oh!

Think you got enough wattage
in that thing?

Oh!

Sammy, you're missing
quite a party out there.

What are you talking about?

I thought the reception
was after the wedding.

I know. As soon as he
met Woody's relatives,

Mr. Gaines opened
the bar right away.

We better take some
hors d'oeuvres out there.

I'm not going to
tell you again,

keep your hands
off my savories!

Oh, my. I haven't heard
that since high school.

You have
a real attitude problem,

you know that, you little creep?

Now you're taking me back
to high school.

Yeah...
Teachers, huh?

As long as you two guys
are out here,

why don't you
give me a hand?

Hilarious!

Cliff, dry off
those glasses,

and, Norm, open up
those wine bottles.

Hey, does anybody
have a plunger?

Why? Something happen
to the toilet?

No. My Uncle Elroy
left his leg on the bus,

and he wants to dance.

Yeah, well, if I see it,
I'll send it out there.

Woody. Woody,
for the last time,

will you call this thing off

before disaster strikes?

Carla, I couldn't
even if I wanted to,

now that Kelly's
in a family way.

Family way?
Just from this morning?

Wouldn't surprise me.

Farm boys
know these things.

She's got that same glow

we use to see on
the brood sow's snout

after we fed the hogs
fermented swill.

Pretty soon, she'll be
grunting, squealing,

and cranking out
piglets.

Never lose those stars
in your eyes, Wood.

Woody?

Oh, Kelly, do you
ever look gorgeous!

Daddy would kill you
if he saw us together

before the wedding.

Oh. Okay, I'll see you later.

See you later, Woody.

Boy, oh, boy, huh?

Looking at those two,
it's hard to believe that

one out of every
two-and-two-thirds of marriages

in this country
ends in divorce.

Where do they get
those stupid statistics?

What is tow-thirds of a marriage?

Plenty, believe me.

Hey, come on,
you guys.

You heard Mr. Gaines, Woody.

If he sees you and Kelly
smooching like that,

he's going to throw a fit.

Kelly, where are you?

Carla, give me a
hand here, will you?

I told you disaster
was going to strike.

Woody, out here.

Kelly, you're not
downstairs, are you?

You have to hide her!

Yeah. Out through
the swinging doors.

No, no. Nobody can see her
until she walks down the aisle!

How about the oven?

Carla!

How about
the dumbwaiter?

My cousin and I used to hide
in here when we were little.

Ooh, it's cozy in here.

Woody.

- No. Don't even think about it.
- Kelly?

Kelly?

- Hi, Mr. Gaines.
- Hi, Woody. I can't seem to find Kelly.

She didn't go
out there, did she?

I think she's around
here somewhere.

Woody, you haven't
seen Kelly, have you?

No. No, sir.
No, not me.

Not before the wedding.

I wouldn't want
to see Kelly naked.

I mean, married.

I mean, I don't believe in seeing--
Or naked marriages--

Or being naked
when you see a marriage...

Or any of that stuff,
not even with a veil.

More bourbon, Sam.

- Lots more bourbon.
- Yes, sir.

The big bottles.

Ooh! I couldn't have held
onto that rope much longer.

I don't want to take
any more chances.

You go up to your room, Kelly.

Would you two stop that!
Now, come on!

Woody, Woody, Woody,
get out there,

and mingle with your guests.

See you later, Woody.

Love you.

Love you, too.

Love you more.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do, too.

Love you more than
anything in the whole world.

Wuv you--

- I wuv you,
- Wuv you, too, Woody.

Now, you go out there
and mingle with your new in-laws, huh?

Are you a history buff, Sam?

No, sir, I'm not, actually. Why?

I was thinking
about Mussolini.

I know you hear a lot of negative
things about him,

but any man that had
his own son-in-law shot

couldn't have been
all bad.

All right. I think
everything's okay here.

I'll just make sure that
Woody's behaving himself.

Well, hello there.

Can I help you?

I'm cousin Monika.

Oh, well, I'm Uncle Sam.

I need a paper towel.

I'm afraid I spilled
a bit of wine...

Right here.

Oh, really?
It doesn't show.

It does if you look
closely enough.

Oh, yes. You're right.
That's a beauty.

It's too bad you had
to get a stain on it.

Let me have something--
Thank you very much.

Let me get this for you.

You're as gallant
as you are attractive.

Well, I try for an even mix.

Are you part of
the groom's family?

Actually,
I'm the best man.

I'd enjoy being
the judge of that.

This is hardly the time or place.

Of course, under the gift table

in about half an hour
would be all right.

There you go. Good as new.

Thank you.

Whoa, w-w-wait a second.
What's your rush?

My husband will be
looking for me.

Can you believe that?
She's married.

She didn't seem to be
a fanatic about it.

Oh, hello, Father.
Can I help you?

I'm Dr. Chatfield.
I'm performing the ceremony.

I've been retired
so long, I'd forgotten

how tiring the preliminaries
can be,

all that handshaking
and yak, yak, yak.

Is there somewhere
I could just sit

and put my feet up
until it's time?

Sure. How about
right over here?

Just keep him out of
my part of the kitchen.

I still have the whole
cake to decorate.

I wish you'd hurry up.
I'm starving to death.

I haven't had a thing
to eat all morning

- except one of those little candies.
- What little candies?

Those little candies shaped like
brides and grooms.

I made these for
the top of the cake!

You bit the head
off my groom.

I'm sorry. I didn't
have any idea that--

This is the last straw.

You've been an irritation
ever since you walked in.

Now, I want you
out of here.

No!

I can stay here, too.

I've been working
very hard.

And except for eating the groom,
I've done a damn good job.

If you don't like it,
why don't you just leave?

Very well.

We shall.

Allons-y!

Probably not
the smartest move

for a bunch of guys who've
been handling liver all day.

He left!

Well, you told him to!

Yes, but nobody
ever listens to me.

Why did he have to be
the first one?

Say, is the minister
out here?

They need him
for a photograph.

Right back here.

All the waiters and the chef,
how are we gonna replace them?

Just relax. We can
handle this ourselves.

Oh, really?
How are we going to do that?

We'll just do whatever those clowns
were supposed to do.

Now come on, listen to me.
This is Woody's wedding day.

It's the most important day in his life.
We're not going to spoil it.

Now, we'll just ice the cake
and serve the hors d'oeuvres.

Don't worry about it.

There's no need
to panic.

I think somebody better tell them
to wait on that photograph.

Why is that?

Because the
minister is dead.

Cheers will be back
after these messages.

Dead? He can't be dead.

He just sat down there
to take a little nap.

Frasier, are you sure?

I trained
as a physician.

Believe me, he's dead.

You don't make
that mistake twice.

Oh! The poor old thing.

Would you stop that!

Oh, no. Poor Woody.

There goes the wedding.

Unless one of you
knows an incredible ventriloquist.

Somebody better go tell him.

You're right. Oh, he's just
going to be crushed.

Break it to him
gently, Sam.

Sam? Why am I
the one who's respons--

Hey, Woodrow!
How you doing, man?

Hey, Sam. I just came in
to get my boutonniere.

Ah. He just came
to get his boutonniere.

Oh.

Listen, I didn't get a chance
to thank you guys

for making this
such a wonderful day

and for helping me out
with Kelly's dad.

Aw, well, we'd do anything
we could for you, pal--

Anything humanly possible.

I know you would, Sam.
I knew you all would.

And thank you all.
This is just the...

...greatest day
of my whole life.

Aw... Well, that's terrific.

Say, how would you feel
if we had to cancel it?

What, are you kidding?

No way. Why would we?

I don't know. If, say,
the minister was...

...called away?

Called away.

He's retired, Sam.

That's for sure.

His wife died ten years ago.
He doesn't have any family.

From what I hear, he hardly
has any life at all.

You heard right.

Whereas I have the greatest life
anyone could ask for.

You know, the greatest friends, and...

And I'm going to marry
Kelly in 30 minutes.

I just feel like the luckiest
guy in the whole world.

You sure are, pal.
Bye-bye.

Oh, great!
What are we going to do?

Well, I suppose I should
call the police.

One of us
better tell Mr. Gaines, too.

That would be great.
What are we supposed to do,

throw rice at the hearse?

I'm telling you,
if we tell anybody,

they're just going to cancel
the whole celebration.

Rebecca's right.

A dead body at a wedding
is a bad idea.

Both times we did that
in my family, we regretted it.

Boy, look at him now.

One minute he's here...
Next minute he's gone.

Really makes you think,
doesn't it?

Friendship.

Mortality.
The afterlife.

What's it all about?

That's a nice watch he's wearing.

- No. No, Cliff. No.
- I'm just saying, that's all.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait.

Didn't Woody say
something like

this old man didn't
have any friends left?

What harm would it be if we just
didn't tell anybody for a few hours?

What are we going to
do with Father Bye-bye?

Who's going
to perform the ceremony?

Kelly said something about
having an uncle who's a minister.

Uncle Roger.

Great! Okay, Cliff, go find Uncle Roger
and bring him in here.

Roger.

That's what I just said.

Go, go, go, go.

Frasier, go stall
while I send out more drinks.

Norm, Carla,
get the body in the wine cellar.

Rebecca, ice the cake.

Why do I always
get the hard part?

Just do it,
will you, please?

Come on, come on.
Hurry it up.

Can you believe this, Carla?

We're actually putting
a dead body in a wine closet.

Honey, if I had a nickel...

We're lucky Maurice
already left the icing here.

So maybe I can do
this cake.

What am I going to do
about the little figure for the top?

Can't you repair it?

Here. Yeah. Use this.

Sam, that's paté.

You want me to make the
groom's head out of meat?

Why not? It's supposed
to be Woody.

Sammy. Sam...

Uncle Roger.

Oh! Hello, Uncle Roger.

Very pleased to meet you, Sam.

I've heard wonderful
things about you.

Who are you again?

Well, I'm the best man, sir.

We were wondering if you
could help us out here

and perform Kelly
and Woody's wedding.

I'd be flattered.

I love weddings.

They're such
a marvelous young couple.

Do I know them?

Quick.
Black coffee, Norm.

I love black coffee!

Black coffee is marvelous,

but you know what's
even more marvelous?

Here we go.
Here we go.

There we are.

Okay. Uncle Roger,
this is Norm.

He's going to help you
prepare your remarks.

Pleased to meet you. I've heard
marvelous things about you.

Cliff ie, serve
some hors d'oeuvres.

Keep people happy.
Will you?

All right. You got it.

What's taking so long?

Shouldn't the wedding
have started by now?

Well, something
came up, Lilith.

I'm afraid I can't
go into it,

but maybe it would be
a good idea if you went out there

and were to sing and
dance and use some

of your natural talents
to entertain people.

Oh, my God.
Someone died, didn't they?

You can count on me, Sam.

Good heavens!
Death at a wedding. How appalling.

Make 'em laugh

All right. See?
No need to panic.

Everything's under control here.

Du, dort!

Ich glaube Du Bist
der nachdem Ich suche.

Pardon me?

Ich will nicht
dass Du mit meiner Frau flirten.

Frau. That's German.
Anybody speak German?

Just the basics, Sam--
"Lowenbrau, Michelob, bratwurst."

Good, good, good.
Here we go. Here we go.

I wanted to take German...

...in high school...

It really interested me...

But... It conflicted...

...with Driver's Ed.

Anything?

I'm sorry.
I can't help--

I think he's saying he needs
to go to the bathroom.

Oh, I bet you're right.
I'm sorry.

Right through the doors
there, GOLDFINGER.

Dieter?

Du Bist gewarnt
Gewesen!

Hey, how you doing,
Monika?

I'm sorry. Was my husband
being a pest?

Your husband?
Listen, when we met,

I didn't know
you were married,

let alone
to the Kaiser.

Oh, pay no mind.

He's hideously
jealous

for every man
I am even polite to.

Well, maybe you're
just too darn polite.

The reason
I came looking for you, Sam,

is to give you
a little gift.

Oh. Oh, yeah, listen,

you didn't
have to do that.

Consider it
a down payment.

Now,
I have a problem.

My legs are cold.

How do you think
I can warm them up?

Well, if you were a cricket,
you could always rub them together.

Ha ha ha!

Don't tease me, Sam.

I'll be expecting you
unless...

...you need
another incentive.

No, no, no.
No more incentive.

No, no, no.
Thank you very much.

Oh, Lord.
What am I going to do?

Hey, buddy,
how are you doing?

Hey, Sam. I miss her,
and I want to go up and say hi to her.

Can't you keep your hormones
in check just for five minutes?

Look who's talking.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, you got me
there, pal. Ha ha!

Yeah, you be careful.

Sammy, you ought to
see Lilith out there.

She's really
working up a sweat.

Singing, dancing,
doing impressions,

doing everything
but playing the spoons.

I'm cooking.

Give me an A-flat.

Thank you.

When you're smiling

When you're smiling

The whole world
smiles with you

You know, maybe it
wouldn't be so bad

to let them see
the corpse, after all.

Ah, Uncle Roger,
you feeling better?

Well, yes, I am
feeling better.

Are you feeling up to
performing a wedding?

Perform a wedding?
I'd sooner be dead!

Oh, now don't you
get started on us.

I hate weddings!

My own marriage
was a disaster.

At times,
I prayed I would die

and go to a better hell
than the one I was living.

Oh, my...
Talk to him, will you, Norm?

What am I going to do,
argue with the man?

Marriage ruined
my life. Oh, no.

Oh, yes. Oh.

Amen, brother. Amen.

Not now, Cliff ie.

Do me a favor.

Take Uncle Roger out there,
find Frasier,

and get him some
therapy-- Fast.

Sure thing.
Okay, buddy, let's go.

Are you married?

No, sir. Came close once, but no.

She was a lucky girl.

Why, thank you, sir.

What's the holdup?
Where's Dr. Chatfield?

Dr. Chatfield...

...has challenged
the chef and the waiters

to a footrace...

...in the park, and that's
where they are now.

Footracing--
He was going for it.

Thank you very much.

Sir, the minister
will be ready

in about five minutes.

Well then, I'll just use
this opportunity

to get the Champagne
out of the wine closet.

Good idea.

Every "body" loves wine, Rebecca.

Oh! No, no.

Sir. Please, this is
far too dangerous.

Let me go down there
for you.

I'm just going to
select a vintage.

Rebecca, can you sew
a button on for me?

What are you doing down
here in the kitchen?

Now that you're here,
let me get a look at you.

Oh, yes, yes.
Let's all look at her.

Kelly, you stand right
over there by the paté.

Oh! isn't she beautiful?

Yeah...

Yes, yes. I'm just
a bartender,

but even a
"dumbwaiter" like me

can see how
beautiful she is.

Oh! Look at her.
Turn around, Kelly.

Look at that dress.

Look at that hair.

Look at that train.

Well, you're just a little
store-bought princess, aren't you?

Oh, Cliff ie,
Cliff ie!

You're just in time.

The bride and her
father would like

to have a shot
before the wedding.

Yup. Sure thing there, Sammy.

Okay. Now,
just look at me.

Just look at Cliff.

I already hired
a professional photographer.

I know, but spontaneous
is so much more fun. Smile!

Oh!

Coming through, sir.
Coming through.

Here we go. Let's get
another one this way.

Good idea.

Spin right around here,

and we'll get a picture
of your baby blues.

Oh! You blinded me with
that damn flashbulb again!

Will you be reasonable!

I tell you,
I won't perform another wedding!

What the devil was that?

Maybe it was
the radio.

Oh, yeah. Turn off
that damn radio!

I've got a
splitting headache.

I'm going to go upstairs
and lie down.

No, sir. You got
to pick a vintage

so we can
drink Champagne.

Do you eat a lot
of sugar, Sam?

No, sir. I'm just
a fool for weddings.

What are you doing,
dressed like that!

Come on, Mr. Gaines could
see you. Get out.

I still need to have
my button sewed on.

Woody was kidding around,
and he kind of bit it off.

Where is the button, Kelly?

Woody has it.

I got it. Woody!

Oh, my God!

Give me the button.
There you go.

Here, Rebecca.
Sew it on quick.

Sam, I'm icing the cake,
if I weren't icing the cake,

if I weren't icing the cake,
I would sew on the damn button,

but I'm icing the cake.

You don't know how
to sew, do you?

I don't even know
how to ice a damn cake!

I can sew.

Ma thought
it was a skill

every young man
should learn.

Oh, that was very
sensible of her.

Oh, sure. I can also knit,
crochet, and do bargello.

You ought to see this
petit point rug I did

of John Wayne
ascending into Heaven.

Big dogs... Big ugly dogs.

Thank God I'm safe.

Sam. Here we are.

That's quite a pair of dogs
you've got there, sir.

This ought to do it.

- Put those on ice for later.
- On ice, sir. Yes, sir.

I wonder how Lileth is doing out there.

This time, just the women yodel.

- Way to go, Mr. Best Man.
- Thank you very much.

My pants are torn.

I'm sorry, Woody.
Kelly's father was down here.

Listen, why don't you run up to her room.
Cliff ie's sewing on a button for her.

Maybe he can take
care of your pants.

You'd think those dogs
would know me by now.

Mr. Gaines is always giving them
one of my shoes to sniff.

Quick, quick.
Haul him up.

Okay. If we can get the body
in the wine cellar

and Frasier to fix Uncle Roger

and Rebecca to fix the cake

and Lilith
to entertain the guests

and Cliff ie to fix Woody's pants,
then we'll be all set.

Sammy, I hate to be the one
to break this to you,

but the body seems
to have fallen off the dumbwaiter.

Oh, gee. Just when everything
was going so well.

The body's gone, Sam.

We're just going to have
to find it before somebody else does.

"Horoscopes are for suckers, Carla."

Does anyone know where
this dumbwaiter goes?

The cellar, I think.

Robin and I were
going to have one

right off the kitchen
by the inglenook

with little leaded
glass windows

overlooking
the little herb garden.

I'd love it
if he were dead.

Okay. Tell you what.
Go outside there.

See if you can the find entrance
to the cellar.

No problem, Sammy.

Problem, Sammy.

All right,
all right, plan "B."

Somebody climb
in the dumbwaiter,

and I'll lower you down.

Okay.
Okey-doke.

No! Just a thought,
but maybe Carla should go.

Oh, sure, sure.

I'd love to be lowered
down into the cellar on a rope

to look for a dead body
in the dark.

Who believes
in horoscopes?

Are you there yet?

No. A little more!

Hello, Uncle Sam.

Aah!

As long as
you have my stockings,

I thought you might need
something to hold them up.

Oh, gee. I wish...

Not now, not now.

No, this is wrong.

Listen, this is my buddy's wedding today.
I can't spoil it.

Besides, I have certain moral standards
that I just refuse to compromise.

Right after the wedding,

my poor husband has
to fly to Dusseldorf.

Okay, but I'm buying breakfast.

I don't feel good about this.

But I've felt
a lot worse before.

Carla, honey!
I'm sorry!

That wasn't funny, Sammy!

Have you got the body?

Yes. Now pull us up!

All right.
Here we come.

Here we go.
I see you.

What are you doing, Sam?

Ooh.
Aah!

Nothing, nothing. Why?

I need a bandage
for Mr. Clavin.

He pricked his finger
sewing my button on,

and he's being
a real baby about it.

Apparently, his mother used to tell him
bedtime stories about gangrene.

Carla! Honey--

No, no, no!
I'm not listening!

Roger, please!
I'm a psychiatrist. You're a minister.

We're both
professional men.

We're in the business
of helping people.

Don't make me hit you!

I am not going
near that wedding!

Sam, I give up.
I've tried every known therapy.

This man is beyond the help
of medical science.

I don't understand this.

He was perfectly happy
when he was drunk.

Calling Dr. Daniels,

Dr. Jack Daniels.

Carla! Sweetheart,
I'm sorry.

You are a dead man,
Malone!

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm going to pull you up right now.

You want to give me
a hand here, Norm?

No, no, no, no.
With the body.

I gotta get the minister
into the wine closet.

This guy didn't move around that much
when he was alive.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Oh, no, don't
apologize, Sammy.

Dropping me was funny,
and then the second time was hysterical,

and then this third time--

Aah!

Aah!

Du! Ich habe Dich gewarnt!

Nun wirst
Du dafuer bezahlen!

Frasier, do you speak German?

Ich werde Dich multilieren wie
ein gefeseltes Schwein!

I picked up a smattering
during med school, but it's been so long.

I did recognize the word
"mutilate," though.

Das ist nicht alles was Ich
abschlagen werde!

He speaks too fast
for me, but I can tell you this--

He's clearly insane!

Good with a sword, though.

Tell him I didn't touch his wife.

Bitte.

Es ist ein Fehler.

Dieserist der falsche Mann.

- Der falshce Mann?
- Ja.

Oh, good. Now please,
tell him to put his sword away.

Er ist unschuldig.
Tut ihm night weh.

Oh, thank you, Frasier. Whew!

I tell you-- I thought
I was a dead man for sure.

Du Schmutiziges Schwein!

No! No, no.
These are mine!

Yeah, see, I-- Surgical condition.

Poor circulation.

Yeah. Oh, oh,
that feels much better.

You know, actually,
that does feel better.

Er ist bestimmt
der falsche Mann.

Er ist ein "Poofter."

Well, I tried to tell you.

Ein "Poofter."

Hoert Alle, der beste Mann
ist ein "Poofter."

Ha ha ha ha!

Ich bein 'Poofter."

Ein "Poofter!" Ha ha ha ha!

What's a Poofter mean, anyway?

It means you'll never
have to worry about

the German draft board.

Lord. At the very least,

I thought I'd get the living daylights
kicked out of me.

The night is young.

Aah!

Sammy, you're going to have to

let her out of there
sooner or later.

Yeah, later.
Much, much later.

For crying out loud.

72 million dollars

and they can't afford
a bottle of Bactine.

I'll tell you,
if I lose this finger,

this house and everything in it
is going to belong to me.

Just remind me to call my attorney
after the wedding.

Wedding?
I love weddings!

In that case, how would you like
to perform the ceremony?

I can do
better than that.

I will perform
the ceremony!

So, where's Woody,
anyway?

He's upstairs
with Kelly.

I was beginning to feel
like a third wheel.

You want to give me
a hand here?

Why are we the only people
who find that funny?

Well, all right, Roger.
Shall we get going then?

Not so fast!

Can't I get a chance
to kiss the bride?

No, no. Plenty of time
for that after the wedding.

You know,
I'm somewhat sloshed.

Ha ha! Well, it'll be
our little secret.

Yes, it will.

Quick-- I need a blindfold
and three sharp cleavers.

Lilith, you don't need that.
The wedding's about to begin.

Like hell. Not before
my big finish.

Okay. Looks like we're
all set. Where's Woody?

Oh, God. He's upstairs with Kelly,
working up another smile.

Finally we seem to be ready
to start the wedding.

I'll go upstairs and get Kelly.

No, no. Mr. Gaines--

Sam, you get Woody.
Let's do it.

You go upstairs, Mr. Gaines,
to Kelly's room!

Please! You're yelling loud
enough to wake the dead.

Oh, yeah.
If only I could.

Do you think there's
any way for him

to get out
of that bedroom?

He could always jump out the window
and come to the back door.

Maybe this is him.

Whoo! I wonder what put
the fear into those dogs.

Oh, mayday.

It's pay day!

No, no. Honey!
Please, sweetheart.

You stand still
and take it like a man!

I never fight
with women,

especially ones
who could cream me!

Stop it! I just finished
icing the cake!

- Someone could get hurt by accident!
- It won't be an accident!

No, Carla, don't!
Carla, please!

Attention, everyone.
Here comes the bride.

Oh, Mr. Gaines,
you must be so proud.

Woody, that was close.

Boy, now I'm really going
to have to marry her today.

Okay, buddy, you ready
to go out there?

I'm ready, Sam.

All right. Here we go.

Wood, before you
go out there,

there's something
I'd like to give you, that

I wish someone had given
to me on my wedding day.

Cliff ie, you wanna hold him, please.

No, no, no. No!

It's okay, Mr. Peterson.
I really love her.

Okay. Just don't come
complaining to me in ten years,

although you will know
where to find me, won't you?

Turn around here.

Oh, man.
I'm so proud of you.

Thanks, Sam.
Thank you very much.

Come on, come on.

You see, Carla?
You were wrong.

Oh, sure, it could have
turned out to be a disaster,

but we all worked together,
and we got everything done.

You know what?

I think this wedding's going to
turn out just fine.

Just fine...