All language subtitles for Cheers.S10E24.Heeeeeeres.Cliffy.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!

Hey, Mr. P,
how's life in the big city?

Hey. What did I tell you
about those fat jokes?

What's in the box, Norm?

Only my brand new
Turbo Flex Airmasters

with the custom pump fit
and the night reflector racing stripe.

Oh, look at that. Major shoe.

And check out the reflector, huh?

Shines like the Northern Lights.

Yep. Get this, they utilize a patented
ergonomic lever propulsion design.

It uses your body's own
Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.

I read in Runner's World that they can
improve your vertical leap by ten percent.

Try 12%, babe.

That's more than a shoe
there, Normie, that's a God.

Now, if you gentlemen will
just stand back for a second...

I'm going to try these puppies out.

And we're off.

Paulie, at 7:00, we go to Gary's, right?

Wait a minute.
You're going over to Gary's bar?

Sammy. Big heavyweight fight tonight.
He's got a satellite dish. You don't.

You're deserting me for that snake?

You're gonna give money
to the one guy I hate

more than anyone else
in the whole world?

Of course not, Sammy.
I'm going to run a tab.

Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere
if you had a satellite dish.

If it means that much, to you,
I will look into it, all right?

I for one am filled
with a sense of foreboding

when I contemplate
the future of a culture

whose primary source of recreation

is watching more and more
mindless television.

- Don't you agree, Frasier?
- Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?

Because he was struck by lightning.

Every time this episode airs
you ask that question.

Sam?

Damn it. Why does Cliff have
his personal mail sent to my bar?

Well, when you've been harassed

by as many agents
of the government as Cliff has,

you naturally develop a reluctance

to give them
your own return address.

He got a letter
from The Tonight Show in California.

Is he still trying
to sell jokes to Johnny Carson?

When's that poor guy gonna give up?

He is. I hear he's leaving
the show at the end of May.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Cliff ie.

Sam, pour me a cold one, will ya?
It's been a long day.

- What's the problem, bub?
- Hard to say.

I seem to have lost
the spring in my step.

Well, just pull one
out of your head.

Hey, you got a letter from NBC.

Forget it. It's just another rejection.

Come on. How do you know that?

Sammy, I'm just a plaything

of that fickle maiden
known as Miss Comedy.

Last night, I went down
to the Laff Tureen to gig.

They wouldn't let me go on.

It was amateur night.
They said I wasn't ready.

Cliff, you're not going to give up.

With the current
sorry state of the world,

we need your humor
now more than ever.

Thank you very much, Lilith.

You've always been
my number-one fan.

In fact, you've been my only fan.

I wasn't joking.

I'm sorry. It must have been the way
you instinctively time everything.

You can't learn that, you know.

Save your breath.
Nothing's gonna do me any good.

Cliff, why don't you
just go on back

and lie down on the pool table.
I think there's a game going on.

Everybody's a comedian.

Everybody except me.

Carla, you hurt him.

Oh, thanks.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm just gonna open this letter.
Maybe it is good news.

I'm just so sick and tired
of everybody in this bar

having such a negative attitude.

Good things do happen.

So did they buy his joke?

Yeah, what do you think?

"Mr. Clavin, thank you very much
for your submission to The Tonight Show.

We will not be using your material.
Enclosed is your submission."

What was it this time?
Let me put my beer down.

I don't want it
coming through my nose.

"Today's Doc Severinsen's birthday.

Doc is so old
that when he was a kid

he never blew out candles
on his birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet."

Lilith, you can't possibly
be laughing at that terrible joke.

You don't find humor in the exaggeration
of a contemporary man

predating an event
which took place 45,000 years ago?

Well, had Cliff phrased it
like that, sure, hellzapoppin'.

Poor Cliff ie.

I really kind of hate
to see him suffering like this.

You know, I think it's about time
we had Cliff put to sleep.

He had a lot of good years.

There is one way to cheer him up.

You know, we could change
this letter of rejection

to look like a letter of acceptance.

It would be pretty easy, actually.

So are you just going to dismiss
my putting him to sleep idea?

We're not even
going to talk about it?

All we have to do is just
white out the word "not"...

...and...

It looks like
"we will be using your submission."

Pretty good with that white-out stuff.

Sammy, I used to be an accountant.

Many's the time this stuff
kept me out of Leavenworth.

I don't know, gentlemen.

Should we really encourage Cliff
in these flights of fancy?

I cite for an example
his Kennedy conspiracy theory.

I, for one, have never believed
the Beatles were involved.

Give the guy a break, okay, for once.

Cliff ie!

- Yeah?
- Cliff ie, come out here.

We opened your letter
from The Tonight Show.

Johnny loves the joke.
They're going to use it on the show.

- You're kidding.
- Read it. Go ahead.

Wait! I did it!

I did it! I sold a joke
to Johnny Carson.

This is the happiest moment of my life!

Take your last look
at Clifford Clavin, letter carrier.

When my joke hits the airwaves,

I'm going to start a new career. Yup.

It's going to be Cliff Clavin...

jokemeister,

Doctor of Ha Ha,

the funny man.

Yeah. I'm going to be hanging around
with a whole new group of friends...

...Oscar and Emmy.

Ciao.

Carla, what was your plan again?

Okay. So we tell him
he's getting a flu shot.

Hey, Sammy, look at this.
Here it is, right here in the classified.

You can buy a used satellite dish
for 300 bucks, install it yourself.

I don't know anything
about installing a satellite dish.

Come on, Sam.
What's the big deal?

You clamp it to the roof
and you run a few wires down.

I don't know, Carla.

My uncle Skyler tried to do that

with a milking machine
right before an electrical storm.

The cows never forgave him for it.

It was worth it though.

We had cottage cheese
sandwiches for a month.

Hey, everybody. Guess what.

Cliff Clavin is off
to the entertainment capital of the world.

The dream factory,

the land of glitz, glamour,
and make-believe.

You're going to Chuck E. Cheese?

No, Woody.
I'm going to Hollywood, California.

I got some nonrefundable tickets
here in my hand

that are gonna take me to Burbank.

When Johnny Carson
delights America with my joke,

me and Ma are gonna be
sitting there watching it live.

You know, they write
an awful lot of jokes, Cliff.

Just cause they bought yours

doesn't necessarily mean
they're gonna use it.

Jeez. Now I'm a little confused here.

I guess you're the one

who's currently employed as a writer

for The Tonight Show
starring Johnny Carson.

You're right, Cliff.
I was just saying

you could be setting
yourself up for a big fall here.

The only question is
whether Johnny is gonna invite me

to sit up there
on the couch next to him.

I better call Ma. She'll be thrilled.

You got to do something, man.
This has gone far enough.

I can't, Sammy.
I'm no good at giving bad news.

What are you talking about?

You told Vera about losing
all those jobs, right?

I'm going to get to that
when the time is right.

All right, I will, I will, I will.

Oh, boy. I was right.
She was tickled pink.

The two places
she most wants to see

before she goes
to the great beyond

is Formosa and Burbank.

Cliff ie, there's something
I have to tell you, buddy.

Wait. There's something
I got to tell you first.

When I was at the travel agency,

I got three nonrefundable
tickets to Burbank.

Guess whose name
is on the third one.

Please don't let it be Norm Peterson.

Norm Peterson!

I'm going to California!

I love working with my hands.
Don't you, Sam?

Yeah, Woody, I do,

but not with any mechanical stuff.

You have any idea
how a satellite dish works?

You mean you don't?

Well, to be honest, no.

Well, you got a satellite up there.

How far up there?

About 72 million miles,
give or take a few light years.

And it's got a gizmo up there,

so when you send
your TV stuff up there,

it shoots it right back down
here to this baby.

You sure know
a lot about the world, Sam.

Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.

You know, when you look
up there at all those stars

and all those galaxies...

...you realize just how big
this satellite dish really is.

Boy, oh, boy.
This is something, isn't it, Ma?

Who would've believed it?

There it is, the couch,
the desk, and the curtains.

Listen, Cliff, before Johnny starts
his monologue, there's something

- I really want to tell you.
- Suddenly it's Johnny, huh, Norm?

I work with the man
and I don't get to call him Johnny.

Anyway, before he starts the monologue,

- I'd like to tell you something, okay?
- Hey, Cliff Clavin.

I'm from Boston.
I wrote tonight's monologue.

Really? Then you know Johnny.

Well, does anybody
really know Johnny?

Hey. There's those people
we met in line.

I'm going to go over
and say howdy-do.

Norman, I want to thank you.

For what?

I know Clifford
doesn't have many friends.

I remember that surprise
birthday party I organized for him,

and you were the only one
who showed up.

Yeah. Where were you, anyway?

I just forgot.

Mrs. Clavin, I have
a confession to make.

What do you mean?

The Tonight Show
didn't really accept Cliff's joke.

I got a hold of a rejection letter
and I sort of changed it around

to make it look as if
they accepted it.

Oh, my Lord.

I wanted to tell him earlier,

but it's been so long since
I've had a vacation,

and Lord knows I've needed one.

Norman, you are
a naughty, naughty boy.

I'm sorry.

You're his best friend.
You've got to do something

or suffer the consequences.

Okay.

All right, let me see what I can do.

Excuse me, buddy.
Could I talk to you for a minute?

What do you need?

How would you like
to make a couple hundred bucks?

What are you talking about?

A friend of mine wrote
this joke and I was wondering

if you could sort of slip it
into Johnny Carson's monologue.

Oh, sure. We do it all the time.
Most of Johnny's jokes come

from folks just like yourself
in the audience who offer us money.

I admit it's a bad joke,

but the guy's entire existence
is riding on this.

This is a bad joke?
A sure clunker?

Johnny will definitely bomb with this?

I'm afraid so.

Well, I'm out of work
in a month anyway.

Jay Leno has his own people.

Let me see the joke.

Thank you so much
how much can I give you?

Don't worry about it.
Buy me a beer after the show.

Wherever you go,
people are the same.

Woody, I think we did it.
I think we got this thing working.

- Sam?
- Yeah.

Do you think there's a reason

for all these stars
and all these planets and...

For all of us being
here where we are?

Yeah, Woody, I do.

Would you happen to know
what that reason is?

Come on, man.
I'm just proud of myself

for installing this satellite dish.

Do you think I'm supposed
to marry Kelly, Sam?

You think that's what
the plan is for me?

You getting cold feet, buddy?

Yeah, it is a little chilly up here,
but I'm trying to talk philosophical.

Yeah, I think
you should marry her.

You guys are in love, man.
That's the best.

You know, sometimes I don't think
I'll ever find someone.

I thought Diane was
going to be the one

but it turns out she wasn't.

It was lucky for me,
because if she had been,

I just would've ended up killing her
and dying in the electric chair.

That is lucky.

And Rebecca...

We wanted to have a baby together,

but that's no reason
to get serious about anyone.

You know, I used to think I had it made.
You know, I got my freedom, my bar.

Goes without saying,
I'm a love machine.

But recently, you know,
when I've been alone,

I kind of feel lonely.

Well, Sam, Kelly and I are probably

gonna have a big,
beautiful house someday with...

...a garden and swimming pool
and lots of servants.

When you get too old
to take care of yourself,

you can come live with us.

That's sweet, but I think
I'll be able to manage.

Would I get my own room?

And now here's Johnny!

Thank you, folks.
Please don't suck up.

I'm leaving everything to Doc.

I don't know if you know this or not,
but today is Doc Severinsen's birthday.

You really dressed up tonight.

Yeah. A little something special.

If you think that's in bad taste,

you ought to see him
in his real birthday suit.

Doc is so old...

Oh, my God. Here it comes.

- How old is he?
- Yes!

When he was a kid,
he never blew out

candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.

Stay where you are.

Fortunately, folks,
in a situation like this,

the band has instructions
to come over and form

a human barrier
in front of the star.

How did that line get
on the cue cards, anyway?

I should've done that joke
with one of those big,

blue dots covering my face.

Who wrote that joke anyway?

I wrote that joke.

And it was great.

Pardon me.

The problem wasn't the joke.
The problem was you.

You botched it.

You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!

- Sit down.
- I'm not gonna sit down.

I wrote that joke.

Get your hands off me.

Is this the way you treat
your talent, Carson?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of NBC.

Excuse me.

With all due respect, Mr. Carson,
you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.

- You're his mother?
- Yes.

And I want you to tell it again,
and this time, put a little life into it.

Audience, can you stand
to hear this joke again?

Doc is so old...

How old is he?

When he was a kid,
he never blew out candles

on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.

No. No. Now, tell it again
and this time, hit the word "have."

And it wouldn't kill you
to turn on the "applause" sign.

- Hit the word "have."
- "Have."

Doc is so old...

How old is he?

When he was a kid,
he never blew out candles

on a birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet.

You see? They heard
that joke three times,

and they still laughed.

Now, don't tell me my son
doesn't know comedy.

You're a pretty funny lady yourself.

Would you like to come
down and join me?

I'd love that!

I'm so excited!

Yeah. There'll be a lawsuit.
That's for sure.

In a year, this is gonna be
the Clavin broadcasting company.

Yup. His name's in the computer.

And here's a flash,
he's a postal worker.

I can take your torture.
I'm not scared of you guys.

My poor mother's out there.

She had to watch her only son
being dragged off.

Probably broken
an old woman's spirit.

Johnny, I want
to give you a little advice.

When you retire,
get dressed every morning.

You don't want to sit
all day in your pajamas.

You lose some dignity.

Thank you, Mrs. Clavin.

Oh, please, call me Esther.

Ma's with Johnny.

Esther, how did your son
get this joke on in the first place?

A friend of Clifford's arranged that.

In fact, he's here tonight.

Norman, come on down
and bring my purse.

Cliff, come on.
Let's get out of here.

In a minute, Norm, in a minute.

Normie, right here.

This is where Johnny did my joke.

Yeah! This is probably
just the beginning.

Who knows? Leno may see it.

Hire me as a writer.
Few years, retire himself.

Name me as his successor.

Cliff ie, let's... come on.

Go on. I'll meet you outside.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...here's Cliff ie!

Feels good, doesn't it?

Sure does, Mr. Carson.

Now get the hell out of here
before I call security.

Esther, does Spago's
Restaurant sound okay?

Nobody knows for sure Woody, but...

...that's what I think
happens when you die.

Boy that's great, Sam.

Especially the part
about Snickers for breakfast!