Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!

Hey, Mr. P, how's life in the big city?

Hey. What did I tell you about those fat jokes?

What's in the box, Norm?

Only my brand new Turbo Flex Airmasters

with the custom pump fit and the night reflector racing stripe.

Oh, look at that. Major shoe.

And check out the reflector, huh?

Shines like the Northern Lights.

Yep. Get this, they utilize a patented ergonomic lever propulsion design.

It uses your body's own Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.

I read in Runner's World that they can improve your vertical leap by ten percent.

Try 12%, babe.

That's more than a shoe there, Normie, that's a God.

Now, if you gentlemen will just stand back for a second...

I'm going to try these puppies out.

And we're off.

Paulie, at 7:00, we go to Gary's, right?

Wait a minute. You're going over to Gary's bar?

Sammy. Big heavyweight fight tonight. He's got a satellite dish. You don't.

You're deserting me for that snake?

You're gonna give money to the one guy I hate

more than anyone else in the whole world?

Of course not, Sammy. I'm going to run a tab.

Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere if you had a satellite dish.

If it means that much, to you, I will look into it, all right?

I for one am filled with a sense of foreboding

when I contemplate the future of a culture

whose primary source of recreation

is watching more and more mindless television.

- Don't you agree, Frasier? - Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?

Because he was struck by lightning.

Every time this episode airs you ask that question.

Sam?

Damn it. Why does Cliff have his personal mail sent to my bar?

Well, when you've been harassed

by as many agents of the government as Cliff has,

you naturally develop a reluctance

to give them your own return address.

He got a letter from The Tonight Show in California.

Is he still trying to sell jokes to Johnny Carson?

When's that poor guy gonna give up?

He is. I hear he's leaving the show at the end of May.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Cliff ie.

Sam, pour me a cold one, will ya? It's been a long day.

- What's the problem, bub? - Hard to say.

I seem to have lost the spring in my step.

Well, just pull one out of your head.

Hey, you got a letter from NBC.

Forget it. It's just another rejection.

Come on. How do you know that?

Sammy, I'm just a plaything

of that fickle maiden known as Miss Comedy.

Last night, I went down to the Laff Tureen to gig.

They wouldn't let me go on.

It was amateur night. They said I wasn't ready.

Cliff, you're not going to give up.

With the current sorry state of the world,

we need your humor now more than ever.

Thank you very much, Lilith.

You've always been my number-one fan.

In fact, you've been my only fan.

I wasn't joking.

I'm sorry. It must have been the way you instinctively time everything.

You can't learn that, you know.

Save your breath. Nothing's gonna do me any good.

Cliff, why don't you just go on back

and lie down on the pool table. I think there's a game going on.

Everybody's a comedian.

Everybody except me.

Carla, you hurt him.

Oh, thanks.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm just gonna open this letter. Maybe it is good news.

I'm just so sick and tired of everybody in this bar

having such a negative attitude.

Good things do happen.

So did they buy his joke?

Yeah, what do you think?

"Mr. Clavin, thank you very much for your submission to The Tonight Show.

We will not be using your material. Enclosed is your submission."

What was it this time? Let me put my beer down.

I don't want it coming through my nose.

"Today's Doc Severinsen's birthday.

Doc is so old that when he was a kid

he never blew out candles on his birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet."

Lilith, you can't possibly be laughing at that terrible joke.

You don't find humor in the exaggeration of a contemporary man

predating an event which took place 45,000 years ago?

Well, had Cliff phrased it like that, sure, hellzapoppin'.

Poor Cliff ie.

I really kind of hate to see him suffering like this.

You know, I think it's about time we had Cliff put to sleep.

He had a lot of good years.

There is one way to cheer him up.

You know, we could change this letter of rejection

to look like a letter of acceptance.

It would be pretty easy, actually.

So are you just going to dismiss my putting him to sleep idea?

We're not even going to talk about it?

All we have to do is just white out the word "not"...

...and...

It looks like "we will be using your submission."

Pretty good with that white-out stuff.

Sammy, I used to be an accountant.

Many's the time this stuff kept me out of Leavenworth.

I don't know, gentlemen.

Should we really encourage Cliff in these flights of fancy?

I cite for an example his Kennedy conspiracy theory.

I, for one, have never believed the Beatles were involved.

Give the guy a break, okay, for once.

Cliff ie!

- Yeah? - Cliff ie, come out here.

We opened your letter from The Tonight Show.

Johnny loves the joke. They're going to use it on the show.

- You're kidding. - Read it. Go ahead.

Wait! I did it!

I did it! I sold a joke to Johnny Carson.

This is the happiest moment of my life!

Take your last look at Clifford Clavin, letter carrier.

When my joke hits the airwaves,

I'm going to start a new career. Yup.

It's going to be Cliff Clavin...

jokemeister,

Doctor of Ha Ha,

the funny man.

Yeah. I'm going to be hanging around with a whole new group of friends...

...Oscar and Emmy.

Ciao.

Carla, what was your plan again?

Okay. So we tell him he's getting a flu shot.

Hey, Sammy, look at this. Here it is, right here in the classified.

You can buy a used satellite dish for 300 bucks, install it yourself.

I don't know anything about installing a satellite dish.

Come on, Sam. What's the big deal?

You clamp it to the roof and you run a few wires down.

I don't know, Carla.

My uncle Skyler tried to do that

with a milking machine right before an electrical storm.

The cows never forgave him for it.

It was worth it though.

We had cottage cheese sandwiches for a month.

Hey, everybody. Guess what.

Cliff Clavin is off to the entertainment capital of the world.

The dream factory,

the land of glitz, glamour, and make-believe.

You're going to Chuck E. Cheese?

No, Woody. I'm going to Hollywood, California.

I got some nonrefundable tickets here in my hand

that are gonna take me to Burbank.

When Johnny Carson delights America with my joke,

me and Ma are gonna be sitting there watching it live.

You know, they write an awful lot of jokes, Cliff.

Just cause they bought yours

doesn't necessarily mean they're gonna use it.

Jeez. Now I'm a little confused here.

I guess you're the one

who's currently employed as a writer

for The Tonight Show starring Johnny Carson.

You're right, Cliff. I was just saying

you could be setting yourself up for a big fall here.

The only question is whether Johnny is gonna invite me

to sit up there on the couch next to him.

I better call Ma. She'll be thrilled.

You got to do something, man. This has gone far enough.

I can't, Sammy. I'm no good at giving bad news.

What are you talking about?

You told Vera about losing all those jobs, right?

I'm going to get to that when the time is right.

All right, I will, I will, I will.

Oh, boy. I was right. She was tickled pink.

The two places she most wants to see

before she goes to the great beyond

is Formosa and Burbank.

Cliff ie, there's something I have to tell you, buddy.

Wait. There's something I got to tell you first.

When I was at the travel agency,

I got three nonrefundable tickets to Burbank.

Guess whose name is on the third one.

Please don't let it be Norm Peterson.

Norm Peterson!

I'm going to California!

I love working with my hands. Don't you, Sam?

Yeah, Woody, I do,

but not with any mechanical stuff.

You have any idea how a satellite dish works?

You mean you don't?

Well, to be honest, no.

Well, you got a satellite up there.

How far up there?

About 72 million miles, give or take a few light years.

And it's got a gizmo up there,

so when you send your TV stuff up there,

it shoots it right back down here to this baby.

You sure know a lot about the world, Sam.

Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.

You know, when you look up there at all those stars

and all those galaxies...

...you realize just how big this satellite dish really is.

Boy, oh, boy. This is something, isn't it, Ma?

Who would've believed it?

There it is, the couch, the desk, and the curtains.

Listen, Cliff, before Johnny starts his monologue, there's something

- I really want to tell you. - Suddenly it's Johnny, huh, Norm?

I work with the man and I don't get to call him Johnny.

Anyway, before he starts the monologue,

- I'd like to tell you something, okay? - Hey, Cliff Clavin.

I'm from Boston. I wrote tonight's monologue.

Really? Then you know Johnny.

Well, does anybody really know Johnny?

Hey. There's those people we met in line.

I'm going to go over and say howdy-do.

Norman, I want to thank you.

For what?

I know Clifford doesn't have many friends.

I remember that surprise birthday party I organized for him,

and you were the only one who showed up.

Yeah. Where were you, anyway?

I just forgot.

Mrs. Clavin, I have a confession to make.

What do you mean?

The Tonight Show didn't really accept Cliff's joke.

I got a hold of a rejection letter and I sort of changed it around

to make it look as if they accepted it.

Oh, my Lord.

I wanted to tell him earlier,

but it's been so long since I've had a vacation,

and Lord knows I've needed one.

Norman, you are a naughty, naughty boy.

I'm sorry.

You're his best friend. You've got to do something

or suffer the consequences.

Okay.

All right, let me see what I can do.

Excuse me, buddy. Could I talk to you for a minute?

What do you need?

How would you like to make a couple hundred bucks?

What are you talking about?

A friend of mine wrote this joke and I was wondering

if you could sort of slip it into Johnny Carson's monologue.

Oh, sure. We do it all the time. Most of Johnny's jokes come

from folks just like yourself in the audience who offer us money.

I admit it's a bad joke,

but the guy's entire existence is riding on this.

This is a bad joke? A sure clunker?

Johnny will definitely bomb with this?

I'm afraid so.

Well, I'm out of work in a month anyway.

Jay Leno has his own people.

Let me see the joke.

Thank you so much how much can I give you?

Don't worry about it. Buy me a beer after the show.

Wherever you go, people are the same.

Woody, I think we did it. I think we got this thing working.

- Sam? - Yeah.

Do you think there's a reason

for all these stars and all these planets and...

For all of us being here where we are?

Yeah, Woody, I do.

Would you happen to know what that reason is?

Come on, man. I'm just proud of myself

for installing this satellite dish.

Do you think I'm supposed to marry Kelly, Sam?

You think that's what the plan is for me?

You getting cold feet, buddy?

Yeah, it is a little chilly up here, but I'm trying to talk philosophical.

Yeah, I think you should marry her.

You guys are in love, man. That's the best.

You know, sometimes I don't think I'll ever find someone.

I thought Diane was going to be the one

but it turns out she wasn't.

It was lucky for me, because if she had been,

I just would've ended up killing her and dying in the electric chair.

That is lucky.

And Rebecca...

We wanted to have a baby together,

but that's no reason to get serious about anyone.

You know, I used to think I had it made. You know, I got my freedom, my bar.

Goes without saying, I'm a love machine.

But recently, you know, when I've been alone,

I kind of feel lonely.

Well, Sam, Kelly and I are probably

gonna have a big, beautiful house someday with...

...a garden and swimming pool and lots of servants.

When you get too old to take care of yourself,

you can come live with us.

That's sweet, but I think I'll be able to manage.

Would I get my own room?

And now here's Johnny!

Thank you, folks. Please don't suck up.

I'm leaving everything to Doc.

I don't know if you know this or not, but today is Doc Severinsen's birthday.

You really dressed up tonight.

Yeah. A little something special.

If you think that's in bad taste,

you ought to see him in his real birthday suit.

Doc is so old...

Oh, my God. Here it comes.

- How old is he? - Yes!

When he was a kid, he never blew out

candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet.

Stay where you are.

Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this,

the band has instructions to come over and form

a human barrier in front of the star.

How did that line get on the cue cards, anyway?

I should've done that joke with one of those big,

blue dots covering my face.

Who wrote that joke anyway?

I wrote that joke.

And it was great.

Pardon me.

The problem wasn't the joke. The problem was you.

You botched it.

You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!

- Sit down. - I'm not gonna sit down.

I wrote that joke.

Get your hands off me.

Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?

Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC.

Excuse me.

With all due respect, Mr. Carson, you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.

- You're his mother? - Yes.

And I want you to tell it again, and this time, put a little life into it.

Audience, can you stand to hear this joke again?

Doc is so old...

How old is he?

When he was a kid, he never blew out candles

on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet.

No. No. Now, tell it again and this time, hit the word "have."

And it wouldn't kill you to turn on the "applause" sign.

- Hit the word "have." - "Have."

Doc is so old...

How old is he?

When he was a kid, he never blew out candles

on a birthday cake.

They didn't have fire yet.

You see? They heard that joke three times,

and they still laughed.

Now, don't tell me my son doesn't know comedy.

You're a pretty funny lady yourself.

Would you like to come down and join me?

I'd love that!

I'm so excited!

Yeah. There'll be a lawsuit. That's for sure.

In a year, this is gonna be the Clavin broadcasting company.

Yup. His name's in the computer.

And here's a flash, he's a postal worker.

I can take your torture. I'm not scared of you guys.

My poor mother's out there.

She had to watch her only son being dragged off.

Probably broken an old woman's spirit.

Johnny, I want to give you a little advice.

When you retire, get dressed every morning.

You don't want to sit all day in your pajamas.

You lose some dignity.

Thank you, Mrs. Clavin.

Oh, please, call me Esther.

Ma's with Johnny.

Esther, how did your son get this joke on in the first place?

A friend of Clifford's arranged that.

In fact, he's here tonight.

Norman, come on down and bring my purse.

Cliff, come on. Let's get out of here.

In a minute, Norm, in a minute.

Normie, right here.

This is where Johnny did my joke.

Yeah! This is probably just the beginning.

Who knows? Leno may see it.

Hire me as a writer. Few years, retire himself.

Name me as his successor.

Cliff ie, let's... come on.

Go on. I'll meet you outside.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...here's Cliff ie!

Feels good, doesn't it?

Sure does, Mr. Carson.

Now get the hell out of here before I call security.

Esther, does Spago's Restaurant sound okay?

Nobody knows for sure Woody, but...

...that's what I think happens when you die.

Boy that's great, Sam.

Especially the part about Snickers for breakfast!