Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

- Hey, Cliff ie. - Hey, Norm.

- How was your day? - Oh, boring.

Nothing happens in this burg anymore.

I know what you mean. I am bored, bored...

- Look what we got here. - What?

Look.

Oh, it's the film critic, Channel 11.

No, it's the anchorman, Channel 8.

- You want to, uh... - Yeah.

- Autograph? - Yeah.

Ahem. Excuse me.

Hi, guys. How you doing? How are you?

- We're really big fans of yours. - Oh, well.

- Can we get your autograph? - Yeah, sure. Here.

Let me get something to write on.

- A full-service autograph. - What a guy!

I loved that report you did on that train wreck.

They ought to get you for 60 Minutes as an anchor.

No, uh, I'm...

John Kerry, senator Kerry?

- From Massachusetts? - Our senator.

I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry.

Sorry to bother you.

Hey, wait, Norm, maybe he knows senator Gopher from The Love Boat.

Hey, yo! Hey, Kerry!

Say, eh, Norm, want to go back and shoot some stick?

Oh, I'd love to, Cliff ie, but...

I'm busy talking on the phone with Vera.

- Huh? - Which reminds me.

Uh-huh.

What are you talking about? I'm listening to every single word.

Got this down to a science. Give me a refill, please, Woody.

Hey, everybody,

I have the most wonderful news.

- You got a job? - I have a job.

I'm sorry. I confuse having a job with being paid to actually do something.

It spends just the same, Carla.

I just got a call from Redbook magazine,

and I have been selected

as one of the six Boston businesswomen

to get a full beauty make-over.

And the final results will be in their next issue.

Oh, it's too bad.

I always liked Redbook.

Rebecca, I can't possibly think why you would need a make-over.

You're always impeccably dressed.

You're constantly alluring without being overstated.

Well, thank you, Frasier.

Your eye make-up gives you a certain feline quality.

It's irresistible.

And I can't see how anyone can possibly improve on the way your hair

cascades down your face in that peekaboo fashion.

Much like my own darling Lilith.

Speak of the devil!

Not that you're a devil, of course.

Just, uh, total opposite.

In fact, you're the complete opposite of the devil. You're i.e. an angel.

There's no need to be nervous, Frasier.

It's perfectly natural for you to be attracted to other women.

It shows you have a healthy sex drive.

I'm attracted to other men.

Oh, no. Not this game again.

Let's see. Where shall I begin?

Yowzer.

So Miss Howe's going to be in Redbook.

What is that, some kind of fashion magazine?

Oh, no, no, it's more than a fashion magazine, Woody.

It's about today's women.

You know, who they are, their wants, their needs.

- Cliff ie, you read Redbook? - Not so much as read it, Norm.

I do take some of their quizzes, though.

Would you believe that I'm actually autumn-complected?

Hey, guys. You're not going to believe this.

Gary sold The Olde Towne Tavern.

- Huh? - Get out!

No kidding. Sold it to this guy named Frank.

Runs a bunch of bars in other cities. He's already in.

Wait a minute. This means that any bar tab

run under the previous management would automatically be null and void, right?

You have a bar tab at Gary's?

Not anymore, Sam.

Whoa. No more Gary's? I can't believe that.

You know, in a way, I'm going to really miss that guy.

Miss him? Are you kidding me? Worst thing that ever happened to me.

I've never been happier to see a guy go.

Aw, come on, Sam.

No, he was terrible. He even turned you guys,

my good friends, against me. Remember Halloween?

You convinced me that I killed a man, ha ha.

Yeah, you hate to see the great ones retire.

Boy, without Gary, what's left for us, huh?

So, what do you think?

You ready to start a rivalry with the new bar?

- What are you talking about? - Come on. It's a golden opportunity.

We can win this time.

We can steal all of Gary's best ideas and use them against this new guy.

You remember how Gary's always going first? We can learn from that.

We can move first ourselves.

Very good, Sam.

As that famous prankster Santayana once said,

"Those who do not learn from history

are condemned to repeat it."

You got that right, Dr. Crane.

Back in high school, I was condemned to repeat history three times.

By the way, the same goes for mathematics.

Come on, come on. What do you say we show this Frank guy

there's another bar in town?

Do we really want to let ourselves into that kind of humiliation again?

Sure.

Oh, no, Sammy. I think Normie's right.

I mean, if there's one thing Gary taught us, is that

we're nothing but a bunch of losers.

Yeah, but the new guys don't know that.

Well, let's show 'em, huh?

Yeah!

Okay! I'll be right back.

Oh! Look at me!

Lilith, look at me. isn't this exciting?

Yes. Every so often people need to

recreate themselves and frequently

the metamorphosis has very positive results.

You should've seen what I looked like back in my college days.

Bowwow!

So, Rebecca, you're having a makeover, huh?

- Yes. - You know, uh, I don't understand. I mean,

if there was ever a person who didn't need a makeover it's you.

- I think you're perfect just the way you are. - Oh, thank you, Paul.

Boobs, too, or just the face?

Just the face.

Ah...

The welcome wagon has returned.

I assume you've just come from the new Olde Town Tavern.

Yeah. We went for an often-used stunt, but one that's sure to bring a smile.

We TP'd the whole front of the place.

And how will they know that you're the dastardly ones

- that did the deed? - Good question.

It could've been the Mensa chapter from MIT.

And we soaped their windows, "Regards from your friends at Cheers."

Yeah, and I threw a few packs of Cheers matches with our address in there.

I stuck my head in the door and yelled, "Cheers rules."

Yeah. if they can't figure that out, they're the stupidest bar in town.

I wouldn't go that far, Sam.

So all we got to do now is sit back and see what these guys are made out of.

Yeah. I can't wait to see what weenie retaliation Frank comes up with.

Yeah, yeah. It'll be just standard novice stuff.

You know, a rubber rat behind the bar...

Yeah, stealing the sign out front.

Having 20 pizzas delivered.

Yeah, whatever it is, there won't be any imagination connected to it.

These guys are rookies.

Just come up with something pathetic.

We better get this cleaned up before the pizza arrives.

I'm here to take some pictures of the wreckage.

Oh, she's way over there.

- So you're a Redbook photographer, huh? - Mm-hmm.

How'd you manage to land this assignment?

Mouthed off to one of the editors.

So, Mr. Malone, do you have any idea who could have done this?

Yeah, I do. The new owner of Gary's Olde Town Tavern.

A guy named Frank.

See, what happened is we went over, you know, in the spirit of gamesmanship

and gave them the old welcome to the neighborhood and TP'd their bar.

We considered plastic explosives on their front door,

but thought, "Nah, too funny."

Do you have any idea who you're dealing with here?

What do you mean?

How do I explain it to you?

This guy Frank is kind of connected, if you know what I mean.

Wow. He wears a pacemaker?

Oh, now I really feel bad.

No. No, you don't understand.

His full name is Frank "The Angel of Death" carpaccio.

This guy's associated with some very bad individuals.

- You're kidding me! - I'm afraid not.

Oh, my God. We just TP'd a mob bar.

If you want, Mr. Malone,

I suppose you can press charges.

Of course, I saw some pictures

of people who pressed charges against Mr. carpaccio

and his associates on different occasions.

It turned my stomach.

Wait till you get next month's Redbook.

Uh, look, it'd probably be a good idea

to just to let the whole thing rest, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Thanks, yeah.

One other thing, uh...

We're not going to be much help to you here.

You see, we're all scared of the guy,

and we pretty much let him do whatever he wants.

Boy, I feel safer with those guys around.

Oh, holy mother, what have we done?

Oh, come on. We didn't know, Carla.

You don't understand, Sam.

This isn't going to end here.

I mean, these guys are new in town.

They're going to want to make examples of all of us.

If I may interject, I think you've all seen too many Godfather movies.

I agree. Should've stopped at two.

That notwithstanding,

I don't think we should run off in a panic here.

Don't you see what we're doing? We're stereotyping these people

and letting our irrational fears convince us

that they intend to do us bodily harm in some cold-blooded fashion.

Now, with that said, I will bid you all a fond adieu for a couple weeks.

Lilith, Frederick and I are going on vacation.

What are you talking about?

Oh, don't you remember that trip we talked about, dear?

- We didn't plan a trip. - Oh, it'll all come back to you in the cab.

- Let's go, come on. - I need my briefcase.

- No. Leave it, woman. Move! - Oh!

Look, Sam, I know these people, okay?

I mean, it's one thing to be into them for money.

They got a sense of humor about that.

But it's another thing to humiliate them like we did.

I mean, they not going to forget about this.

Carla's right. The only thing we can do

is go over and apologize to Frank "The Angel of Death" carpaccio.

Ah, Cliff ie.

That's not going to do it. We have to go there and beg like dogs.

- No. Wait a second. Wait a second. - What?

I just had a thought here.

- What? - Who would like to see us beg

more than anyone else in the whole world?

Sam, you don't suppose Vera's behind this whole thing, do you?

No. I'm talking about Gary.

- Gary? What do you mean? - Yeah.

Well, think about it. I mean, the guy sells his bar and disappears.

The guy who buys it all of a sudden moves in instantly.

I mean, come on. We're being set up. We're a bunch of suckers.

You think?

Yeah. Remember Halloween?

The guy crawled into a coffin, you know, and pretended to be dead

just to scare the bejeebers out of me.

Yeah, I'm glad we got that on tape.

- You got that on tape? - I'm talking out of turn.

I get this. I get this.

You mean, we go over to Gary's, crying like babies,

and Gary jumps out of the wall, laughing his head off.

How many times does Gary have

to make us look like jerks before we wise up, huh?

You know, there are some things you just can't put a number on.

Hold it, hold it now. You mean, when all is said and done,

at the end of this, I'm still gonna have a tab at Gary's?

Yes, Norm.

That bastard! Let's get him!

I got an idea.

Why don't we just play along with this, huh?

Why don't we go over there and apologize?

Yeah. I see what you mean.

- We apologize to him. - Yeah.

Yeah. That's right. Apologize in a big way.

Yeah. Apologize like he's never been apologized to before.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

This is great. what are we doing?

I'll explain it to you later, Woody.

Yeah, well, uh, can we keep talking in these voices?

Hey, Mr. Krapence, tell Miss Howe we'll be back after a while.

Boy, every time I set foot in this place, it gives me the creeps.

Norm!

How do they know you in here?

Hey, Sammy closes on Christmas morning. Okay?

Excuse me. Mr. carpaccio around?

Oh. Gary went all the way, didn't he? Look at that guy.

Dark shirt. Shiny suit.

Jewelry.

You want to get a girl, you got to know how to dress.

Uh, fellas?

Excuse me, Mr. carpaccio?

Yeah, what is it?

My name's Sam Malone, sir. We're from Cheers.

Oh, yeah.

You're a bunch of funny guys over there, aren't you.

Uh, yeah, about that, sir, we're here to apologize.

- You are? - Oh, yes, sir. You see,

we had this kind of friendly rivalry

with the previous owner Gary, you know?

We thought we'd try to start a little something with you, that's all.

- We didn't mean any harm by it. - Well, Mr. Malone,

I appreciate you coming here to tell me this. It shows you got respect.

I didn't scare you too much, did I?

I guess, you know, it'd take much more than an exploding door

to scare off Clifford Clavin.

What about that clown at the car wash?

I'm a little bit frightened of clowns, okay? It's normal.

Well, the incident is forgotten. It never happened.

Thank you very much. That's a load off our minds, isn't it?

Yes.

Hey, you're the barmaid over there, aren't you, at Cheers?

Yeah, I am.

You know, we need a new one over here.

We had one, but she was a big blabbermouth.

Sorry. I got a job.

Actually, you know, we were thinking, this being a new business and all,

we thought, you know, maybe you could use a few extra customers.

Just to show you we're not having any hard feelings here.

We thought we'd fill the place up for you.

You know who's really a thirsty bunch, Sam?

Firemen.

Oh! That's a good idea. Firemen.

Now, how could we get firemen in here in a hurry?

You just leave it to me.

How's that, Gary? Wet enough for you?

I'm singin' in the rain

Hey, what the hell is this?

You people don't know who you're fooling around with!

You're dead! You're dead, do you hear me?

Your family's dead! Your friends, dead!

Your pets, dead!

Dead! Dead! Dead!

Well, I understand congratulations are in order.

- You beat Gary at his own game. - Yeah.

I wish I could have been there with you when you did it.

Well, maybe you could've if you hadn't run out of here

with your tail between your legs.

Well, Carla, in my profession we encourage people to go with their feelings.

And at that time, my feelings were

stark gibbering terror and borderline incontinence.

That's all right, Dr. Crane. We all get scared.

For example, when Mr. Clavin sees that clown

outside the car wash, he starts screaming at the top of his lungs.

I got a phobia, okay?

Let me tell you a story here about a sweet little 8-year-old called Cliff Clavin.

On his eighth birthday, his ma hires a clown.

Great idea, right?

Except for one thing,

none of the other kids show up.

So here I am with this clown for five hours.

Just me and him, back and forth. Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

I keep screaming, "Enough! Enough!" But no.

Ma wanted to get her money's worth.

Excuse me, you Sam Malone?

- Yeah. What can I do for you? - I'm inspector Hanson.

Agent Carmichael, FBI. We have some business with you regarding a Frank carpaccio.

Aw, man. Gary doesn't give up, does he?

How do we know you gentlemen are from the FBI, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. That's the real McCoy, all right, Sammy.

It's not like the one I got down at the mall.

We're conducting an investigation into the activities of Mr. carpaccio,

also known as "The Angel of Death."

Wait a minute. What are you telling me?

Are you telling me this guy is a legitimate criminal?

I've spent five years in court trying to prove that. Only every time I get close,

my star witness always ends up in some warehouse dangling from a meat hook.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm wasting precious vacation time.

Anyway, yesterday evening, we made a recording of a conversation

in which Mr. carpaccio threatened you, Mr. Malone,

along with several other unidentified people,

whose lives are all in danger now.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Wait. What does this have to do with us?

Well, we'd like all of you to testify against Mr. carpaccio in court.

Excuse me.

Why? What are you doing?

Look, if I can get to confession fast enough,

maybe I can get cacked in a state of grace.

Carla, come on. That's not going to help.

Look, Sam, they want us to sing against this guy in court.

Okay? We'll all be dead.

Us? What about our pets?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What are we going to do?

- It's all your fault, Peterson. - What?

You're the one who wanted us to go back there.

Yeah, but Carla pulled the damn fire alarm.

Hey, don't blame me. Sam's the one who made us buy the umbrellas.

Hey, Norm choreographed the stupid number.

It took a team of four men, 12 hours, but I think I'm worth it.

What do you think?

About what?

About me. About the new way I look.

Hey, honey, we're a little busy right now. Do you mind? I mean,

we just find out that we insulted a mob boss,

and he's threatened to kill us. We could be in a little bit of trouble right now.

But I'm blonde, see?

You don't get it, do you, Rebecca?

This isn't a game. We could all get killed.

Yeah, but look, even my roots are blonde.

Rebecca, would you just shut up for a second, please?

All right, fine. I'll just go show people who are less self-absorbed.

Hey, everybody! Look at me! look at me!

Listen, people. We've got to act quickly here.

We're moving in on carpaccio sometime during the week.

In the meantime, we'll have to relocate all of you until he's safely behind bars.

We have to get moving right away. There's a bus outside.

- What about my kids? - We'll assign an agent to take care of them.

- Will he have a gun? - Oh, yes, he will.

- Then he's got a fighting chance. - Let's go, people!

No. Wait a minute. I'm not going.

- What do you mean? - Listen, this is my whole life.

You know, I've worked too long and too hard

to give up everything that's important to me.

You're taking quite a risk, Mr. Malone.

I can't live my life in fear.

Well, we all can, and time's a-wastin'. Let's go.

Hold it. Hold it. Sam's not going, I'm not going, either.

- What? - Ah, Woody, wait a second.

I can't let you take that risk.

As long as you understand, Sam. Let's make tracks, folks.

This is it?

Where's the agent supposed to meet us?

Maybe we better get back on the bus, huh?

- Hey. Hey! - Whoa! Whoa!

- That's the last bus of the day. - Swell.

- I'm freezing. - I'm hungry.

I'm thirsty.

The guy wouldn't let me take my beer on the bus.

Yeah. We know that, Norm. You only said it about a thousand times.

Well, he wouldn't.

It must be the agent.

Hello?

Carla, hi!

Sam?

How you doing?

Terrible. We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere,

waiting for someone to pick us up.

- You're all alone? - Yeah. For about 200 miles.

Wow. Is it cold?

Yeah, Sam. I'm cold. I'm freezing. I'm thinking about hugging Clavin.

Boy, what a shame. Hey, listen, honey,

You remember last Halloween when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me,

making me think that Gary was dead and I was responsible for it?

- Yeah. - Well...

Gotcha!

Now, let me get this straight, Sam.

This, this was all your doing?

The exploding door and all that damage that you did to your own bar?

The expense of paying all the people involved?

The bus fare to get your stooges all the way out to North Dakota?

It cost me a fortune. I had to take out a loan.

I'll be paying it off for 10 years.

Well, I guess the joke certainly is on them, isn't it?

Boy, he really rubbed our noses in it, didn't he?

- You got to love the guy. - I'm a better person just knowing him.

Well, at least out here, we're safe from that mob guy.

No, no, Woody. Let me explain it to you one more time.