Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

You know, I keep getting this feeling I'm forgetting something.

Do you have the night deposit?

Yeah. Right here.

Did you put the extra cash in the safe?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- I know. - What?

You didn't call the beer distributor.

No, I asked Woody to do that.

All right, I'll call him in the morning myself.

- Good idea. - Oh, whoa, wait.

I know what it is.

Good night, Sammy.

See you in the morning.

Interesting little article here.

It says that the average human being only uses 17% of his brain.

Boy. You realize what that means?

We don't use a full...

...64%.

Some don't use even more.

All right. Who let Woody read "Ziggy"?

You realize he's gonna be useless for the next 15 minutes.

Woody, take your break.

Frasier, for the last time, are you going to accompany me and Frederick

to my great-uncle's birthday celebration or not?

Lilith, the man is going to be 98. He won't know whether I'm there or not.

You can introduce him to a chair,

you'd get the same dim flicker of recognition.

Frasier, that is unkind. My uncle has all his faculties intact.

Yes. Which explains why whenever he sees me,

he calls me colonel and breaks into a rousing chorus of "Over There."

All right. You don't have to come.

Now, while I'm away,

I need you to water the plants, pay the paper boy,

and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights.

I've written it all down for you.

Lilith, you don't have to treat me like a child.

Of course not, Frasier.

Please remember, don't open the door to strangers.

Lilith.

Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day.

Well, he looked friendly. He needed to use the phone.

It was 3:00 in the morning.

People have flats at 3:00 in the morning.

He was wearing a ski mask.

I won't open the door to strangers.

One other thing.

- Yes. Anything, my angel. - Would you stop by the lab

and pick up a short-haired rat, ID number 17-A?

- Oh. Whiskers. - Yes.

I call him that because his whiskers are so pronounced.

Get it?

Whiskers. Whiskers.

Humor is all about making those connections, darling.

- Hey, Mayday. - Hey, Mitch.

Heads up.

Hey, everybody, this is Mitch Ganzell.

We used to pitch together on the Sox.

Best arm in baseball. Want to touch it?

Good to see you, Sam. How long's it been?

I don't know, what 14, 15 years?

Hey! It's Ganzell!

Hey!

Oh, Carla, you still got it.

Yeah. And you can still have it.

Sit down. What are you doing in town?

Well, I don't know if you've been keeping track of the Sox,

but they are really hurting for relief pitchers.

- They've got nobody. - I know.

So I'm thinking of making a comeback...

Try out for the farm team, work my way back up.

No, really, Ganzell. What is it, family reunion?

I'm serious. I'm not that old.

To be honest with you, I really miss the game.

Anyway, tryouts are tomorrow. I'm going for it.

What do you think, Sam? Am I really crazy?

No, you're not crazy. You're fantastic.

If anyone can make a comeback, it's you.

You were the best. Excuse me a second.

Carla, get Mitch a drink on the house.

Better make it a big glass of reality.

Sammy.

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.

I thought you said he was the best.

You kidding me? He sucked.

We used to call him "Mrs. Ganzell."

I was ten times better than he was,

and he's making a comeback. Can you believe that?

You're right, Sammy.

You should be the one back in baseball.

Yes, sir. You should be the one getting back in the game.

I'm not saying I want to, but I sure as hell could.

Well, the only reason I got out of the game in the first place

was cause I was drinking all the time. I'm not doing that anymore.

I still got my arm.

Hell, I'm in as good shape as I was when I was 18.

Same here.

I'm telling you, Sammy, I can fit in the same clothes I wore in high school.

As a matter of fact, if I'm not mistaken,

these are them.

Wait a second here. This is not crazy, you know?

I mean, look at Nolan Ryan. He's what, 45?

He's still pitching in the majors. If he can do it, I can do it.

- Sure. - Sure.

What do you guys think, seriously?

Well, Sammy, we'd love for you to do it.

I mean, well, it would give us back our lives.

What do you mean?

Sammy, it's no secret

we've been living vicariously through you

for the past several years,

and lately, frankly, it's gotten kind of boring.

That bad, huh?

We've actually been thinking about living vicariously through Phil.

So I get my socks out of the dryer,

and one of them's missing.

Hey, guys. Whoa, wait a second.

Wait. I'm back in the game, all right?

- This is all going to change. - All right.

- Hey. - All right.

Thanks, guys.

- Oh, brother. This is terrific. - What?

You want to play baseball again, fulfill your little fantasy.

Why don't we all do that?

Why don't I go back to my high school prom? Huh?

Maybe I'd have a pretty dress.

Maybe I wouldn't weigh 300 pounds and be on tetracycline.

Sammy, don't listen to her.

You want something, you have to go for it.

If I didn't feel that way,

I'd still be sitting way over there by the piano.

Take it easy, Mayday.

Hey. Hold on a second, Mitch.

About those tryouts you're talking about,

are they open for anybody?

Oh, sure. Why?

Hearing you talk got me thinking.

Maybe...

Maybe I got a couple years left in this arm, huh?

I mean, what the hell? If you can do it, I can do it.

Sammy, there's a little bit of difference here.

I was a good pitcher.

Oh, give me a break. You stunk it up out there.

Like hell I did. I was every bit as good as you.

Oh, come on, man.

On your best days, you couldn't get it across the plate.

At least I could see the plate.

- Go to hell! - You go to hell!

It's great to be back, in the game, huh?

Listen, if we both make the team, let's room together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

I'll see you.

Well, Whiskers, this is Cheers.

Cheers, this is Whiskers.

So, Doc,

living the old carefree bachelor life, huh?

You know, I bet with your wife away,

if you wanted to, you could do a little swinging, eh?

Yes. There's nothing young women find more attractive

than a middle-aged man with a rat in a cage.

I hear you, Doc.

So, Sam returned from his tryout yet?

He should be back any time now.

I'm telling you guys,

he's setting himself up to be disappointed.

He's gonna walk in here feeling like a big loser.

What makes you think Sam's as big a loser as you are?

Excuse me, Carla,

but I did not say that he was as big a loser as I am.

I am merely trying to point out the fact that he's older

and there are better, faster, younger players.

Yeah, well, I think that you're gonna be surprised,

cause Sam's gonna make this team, right, guys?

Right. Of course. He's Mayday Malone.

But hold on there, Normie. What if he doesn't?

Have you thought about that?

A thing like that can really hit a guy hard.

He'll probably storm back in here, go in the office, lock himself in,

and maybe start taking inventory of his life.

Peruse over the setbacks, humiliations, wrong turns,

and all the while fashioning his belt into a makeshift noose.

We've all done it a hundred times.

You okay, Cliff?

What are you asking me for? Sam's the one with the problem.

Well, Miss Howe,

with Sam on the road playing pro ball,

I guess it's between you and me as to who gets to run the bar.

Of course, the only experience I have is that I've been

the assistant bartender here for the past six years.

Well, I will let my record speak for itself.

Yes!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Carla's been here the longest. If anyone should take over, it's Carla.

No, no. Not me.

I'm the kind of person that doesn't like responsibility.

What are you talking about? You have eight children.

Well, I wouldn't if I were responsible.

Well, I'd love to stick around and see how things turned out for Sam,

but it's time Whiskers and I hit the road.

Dr. Crane, before you go, can I see him first?

I love rats.

We used to have a lot of them on the farm back in Hanover.

Kept the barn free of cats.

Woody...

Meet Whiskers.

Oh, my God. He's gone!

That's a neat trick, Dr. Crane.

Now do it with a bunny.

Woody, you got to help me find him.

If Lilith comes back and I haven't got Whiskers,

I'm dead meat.

You know, Dr. Crane, once, back in Hanover,

I wanted to catch some rats, and I started playing a flute,

and a bunch of them followed me out of town.

Some children, too.

Wait. Was that a movie?

No, no. It happened.

Whiskers!

Here, Whiskers! Whiskers...

You know, there's a lot of misunderstanding about rats.

Rodendus vermicitis, as they're called in Latin.

Turns out our long-tailed friend wasn't after all responsible

for the dreaded bubonic plague as alleged through history.

No, sir.

It was caused by an animal called the bubon.

That's right. And the threat, by the way, is still with us.

So if anybody does see a bubon, contact your local authorities.

What about if we just see a boob?

Hey, guys.

You are looking at the two newest members of the Red Sox farm team.

Who says you can't go home again, huh?

That would be Vera, Sammy.

Congratulations, Sammy. We all knew you could do it.

Hey, buddy. Let me have some water there, will you?

- Hey, you were great out there. - You, too. You were fantastic.

Whiskers?

Come on, Sam, we're late for our appointment with the team doctor.

Right behind you, Mitch.

We are going to put the Red Sox back on the map, I'm telling you.

My arm, my arm.

My arm.

Relax. I'm a doctor. Just remain still. Try not to move.

Now, tell me exactly what happened.

I saw a rat, and I fell down the stairs.

A rat? Where?

Whiskers!

Hey, Woods, what's in the mail?

Oh, just the usual...

A couple subpoenas from that Mitch guy and...

Oh, hey, it's a postcard from Sam.

- All right. - Read it.

"Greetings from New Britain, Connecticut,

home of shade-leaf tobacco and towering elms."

No, read what Sam wrote.

That is what Sam wrote.

Boy, oh, boy.

The thought of Sammy out there on the mound,

chuckin' 'em down.

What I wouldn't give to see that.

Norm, it's only a $30 train ride.

Well, that's what I wouldn't give.

Well, I've finally resigned myself to it.

I've tried everything.

There's no way we're going to find Whiskers.

He's a priceless, highly-trained laboratory animal,

virtually irreplaceable...

So I went by the pet store and dropped 99 cents on this guy here.

What the hell? They were going to feed it to the boa constrictor anyway.

What's all this other stuff?

Oh, I snuck this out of the laboratory.

See, I've got exactly 48 hours to teach this guy here

everything that his predecessor knew.

How are you gonna do that?

Well, if you would, Rebecca,

with a series of mazes and other such similar devices.

You see, lower forms of intelligence can be trained to perform simple actions

by rewarding them with food when they perform correctly

or punishing them with electrical shocks

when they perform incorrectly.

Hey, look at that, Norm. Pushed on the lever, got a nut.

Hey, I got a shock!

I got another nut.

Got a shock!

Wait. Let me push your lever down.

I got a shock, too!

Oh, that's a mean little sucker!

One of these times, it's bound to give us a nut.

Here comes Paul.

Huh? Oh, hey, Paul?

Paul, listen, do me a favor, will you?

Will you press one of those levers there

and see what happens, buddy?

This isn't some kind of trick or something, is it?

Oh! What?

Hey, I got a peanut.

Thanks, guys.

Which lever did he press?

I thought you were watching.

It's probably...

Frasier, I'm home.

Darling!

Look, Whiskers, it's mommy.

- Look, hon, it's Whiskers. - You brought him to the bar?

Well, yes, I didn't want to let him out of my sight for a single minute.

You entrusted me with his care, and I took that trust very seriously.

That's not Whiskers.

- Of course it is. - No, it isn't.

Are you serious? Have you gone mad, woman?

I'm telling you, I swear to you, this rat is Whiskers.

My Whiskers was clever and bright-eyed. This rat is sluggish and slow.

Well, he missed you.

I missed you. I'm sluggish and slow, too.

Also, Whiskers responds to the sound of my voice.

This specimen shows no sign of recognition whatsoever.

Whiskers?

Whiskers.

See? No response. Where's my rat, Frasier?

Lilith...

As a scientist and as your husband,

I swear to you that this rat is Whiskers.

And I must tell you I'm a little hurt

by your accusation that I might try to fool you.

I look you straight in the eye,

and I swear to you that this rat here is...

He's on my shoulder, isn't he?

Come here, Whiskers.

Surprise! I got Whiskers a mate.

Oh, you lucky rat.

Now he has female companionship.

Do I have female companionship?

Not for a long, long time.

Nice going, mister.

See if you're sluggish in the snake cage.

Great game, Sam! You still got that arm!

Thanks, fellas.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

Oh, man.

Oh, God.

Sammy.

Oh, hey.

- Hey! - Carla!

What are you doing here?

I came down to see the game.

You were great.

- Yeah, I was kinda good. - Yeah.

Who's taking care of the bar?

- Rebecca. - Oh, my God.

I was just kidding. No one.

You scared me there for a second.

Oh, Sammy, seeing you up there was so inspiring.

I mean, you're better than ever.

Thank you.

Everybody at the bar is so proud of you.

Look at you.

You look great. You're pitching terrific.

Yeah, I was kinda good out there, wasn't I?

Yeah.

Hey, Monday, how's it going?

Fine. Fine, Slim.

Actually, it's Mayday, Slim.

Mayday, yeah, kid around a lot.

This is my friend, Carla Tortelli. My roommate, Slim.

- Nice to meet ya. - You, too, Slim.

Say, by the way, a bunch of us are going out for beer and pizza.

You know, get a little wild, do a little partying. You interested?

Oh, thanks, but I'm here to visit my friend Sammy.

Sam, you got another clean shirt I can borrow?

Yeah, sure, go ahead.

Not that one.

All right. Go ahead.

Holy cow, feel free to get undressed in front of me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no. I mean,

holy cow, feel free to get undressed in front of me.

Hey, Sammy, great game, baby!

Here we go.

All right, fellas.

Oh, gotcha. Gotcha.

Let's go! Let's go!

Time out. Time out.

Catch you later, Midday.

Mayday. It's actually Mayday.

Oh, you guys, man.

I'll catch up with you clowns later.

Oh, they seem like a fun bunch, huh, Sam?

Oh, they're the best, yeah.

Yeah. That's baseball. That's what it's all about,

and, God, I hate it so much.

Get me out of here, Carla, please.

- What are you talking about? - Who am I kidding? I hate this.

They throw pillows, they snap their towels.

And that's not funny, that's just dangerous.

Did you see that one guy pat my butt?

I mean, that's not right.

Come on.

Hey, Sammy, lighten up.

Hey, cut it out, will you? This thing's got zippers.

- What is wrong with you? - Nothing's wrong with me, Carla.

I'm fine. It's just...

I don't think I like baseball anymore.

You know, it's a kid's game now, and I'm not a kid anymore.

You know, I thought it was going to be like...

...old times.

That's the problem. It was exactly like old times.

I've done all this stuff before. It's just not me.

Maybe you should give it a little more time, Sammy.

You've only been here a few weeks.

You can't quit now. I'm not gonna let you.

Come on, Carla.

You've supported me in all my other decisions.

Except for maybe,

you know, going out with Diane.

And selling the bar.

And hiring Rebecca and...

You know, deciding to have a kid with her.

What the hell kind of friend are you anyway?

Ah, Sammy.

Even though I really think you quitting is a bonehead decision,

I want you to be happy.

Let's pack your bags, and I'll drive you home.

I don't have anything to pack.

The guys borrowed all my clothes, even my underwear.

Well, let's just get out of here, okay?

If you're really, really sure.

We just don't have anything in common.

It's not like I can ask them to grow up

any more than I can stay a kid, you know what I mean?

Oh, God. Here we go.

Hey, Sammy.

Hey, Slim.

Thought you guys were going go bar hopping.

We figured we should spend a night in.

Really?

Yeah. After all, we're in training, right?

You mean, you guys just want to...

...sit around and talk

and maybe watch a little TV and hang out?

Sure, if that's okay with you.

Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah.

Yeah, we thought we'd just come back to the room,

relax, and maybe...

...pants the new guy.

Cool it! Cool it!

Cool it. Game's over, you guys.

Go on and take a break and just leave Sammy alone.

Yeah.

Come on, Sammy. Let's get you out of here.

Sorry, guys. I'll see you around, huh?

Sam, go wait in the car for a minute. I got to give these guys what for.

You know, you guys, you just chased

one of the great ball players out of the game.

I've just got one thing to say to you.

Pants Slim!

Yeah!

Hey, save some for me!