Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Carla, what are you doing?

Would you hand me that bucket of ice water, please?

Sure... When you tell me what you're doing.

Clavin's almost done with his route. See?

So I'm gonna put this bucket up here on the ledge--

Oh, and then the water will fall on his head.

How mature.

You know, that's your problem, Rebecca--

You don't know how to have any fun.

Sure, I do. It's just not at the expense of other people.

I just go out with my friends and have a good time.

Don't you ever get together with your friends

and just have fun?

Well, I guess I would,

but nobody ever asks me to do anything.

I'm sorry, Carla.

Yeah. Sounds like fun. I don't know.

- Say, Carla, if you want to-- - Yeah?

I don't have anything to do later.

You want to go grab a pizza

or see a movie or something?

You and me?

If you want to.

Yeah. I think I'd really like that.

All right. We'll do it.

Who knows? Maybe it'll be fun.

Let me just grab my coat.

So what time should I be there?

Okay, at the beginning of that cartoon,

Casper the friendly ghost had no friends whatsoever.

By the end of the cartoon, of course,

he's surrounded by friends.

Next cartoon will start,

Casper won't have any friends again.

What is it we're not seeing between cartoons?

That'd be Casper sating his thirst for human blood.

- Right. - Think about it, Norm.

We are talking about a ghost here.

You see, very often the walking dead

crave the taste of human flesh.

Things aren't that much different

in the cartoon world, I'm sure.

Was it really hot on your route today, Cliff?

Yeah. I blacked out a couple of times. Why?

That was Woody. He's in a car

on the way back from the airport.

Isn't that something? Two weeks free in London,

all expenses paid, on Kelly's family.

Boy, he really stepped into something nice there.

Tell you what, though--

He's lucky I didn't spot her first.

Yeah, he really dodged the bullet there, Cliff.

Everyone... I have an announcement to make.

You may not have noticed, but over the last year,

I've allowed myself to gradually fall out of shape.

I'm frequently tired, and I find I no longer have the energy

for some of my daily activities.

Or some of your weekly ones.

Which is why Richard here is going to put me

on a strict exercise and diet regimen.

Now you may ask, why is Frasier sharing

this information with the general public?

Because you're the loneliest man on Earth?

He has another reason.

Yes. I want you all to hold me accountable,

to be my collective conscience, if you will.

Don't let me give up.

You going to let that little scrawny guy

be your personal trainer?

Oh. Get a load of this, Sam.

Show him, Richard.

Oh, man.

Look at this. Ha ha!

I could probably do that,

but I'd have to do it in shifts.

I was a professional athlete.

I can train you like he can, and I'll do it for free.

Besides, I'll keep my chest off your wife's hands.

You're history, Bluto!

Hey, your loss.

We have an opening for a lab assistant!

It's grant money. we have to spend it somehow.

Hi, gang.

Hi-ho, chaps.

Wood.

Well, look at you. If it isn't Oliver Twit.

Boy, check out the threads on that dude, huh?

Just a little something I picked up at Savile Row.

Oh, Savile Row.

Well, well, yes.

I guess the trip to England made a big impression on you.

It's a fabulous place, Sam. Very civilized.

You know, when you drive on the left-hand side

of the road over there, they don't scream

and honk at you like they do over here.

Got anything in the bag?

Here we go.

Toilet water for everyone.

Don't worry. It's not what you think.

Woody, we've got to be going.

Right. if James has to circle the block more than once,

he has a hissy fit.

Boy. Chauffeurs, huh, Miss Howe?

Oh, yeah. I have that trouble with mine all the time.

Really? What do you do?

I wake up.

Hey, Woody, can't you hang around and tell us about your trip?

Love to. Can't.

"Love to, can't"?

Right. Coming over on the Concorde,

we met this adorable couple, David and Arlene,

and we promised to spend the afternoon with them.

Oh. Well, you can tell us all about it when you come to work tonight, all right?

Ooh. About that...

Don't tell me. Love to. Can't?

Bingo. Ta, guys.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Well, it's a common phenomenon, really.

A young, impressionable lad such as Woody

gets his first taste of a foreign country,

and he comes back a little affected.

Give him a few hours. He'll be fine.

I remember when I came back from my first trip abroad.

Oh, God, I was pompous and unbearable.

Condescending to all my old friends.

Of course, I wouldn't expect you fellows to understand.

It's a complicated matter.

Keep going, man. You're doing great.

What's the matter? Jump rope too much for you?

Forgive me, but a jump rope is

a delightful little children's toy

used to while away delightful spring days.

I am not a delightful child.

I am a miserable, overweight wretch

who is praying for death.

I got a saying, Frasier,

"No pain, no gain."

I also have a saying, Sam.

"I can't feel my right arm."

That's all right. That's natural.

Okay. Tell you what.

Why don't you give me one more abdominal crunch?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Come on, man. Give one more

unless you want to give me five more.

Okay.

Come on. You can do it. Come on.

Okay.

Here we go. And up.

Come on.

Can you see the baby's head yet?

I am proud of you, man.

A lot of people would have quit

after that little bout of vomiting.

Thank you, Sam.

I feel that from this point on,

I can live a life of healthful moderation

and physical fitness.

Okay, everybody, Lud is trying to raise money

for his class trip to colonial Williamsburg.

Who wants to help by buying some chocolate bars?

I'll take 15 boxes!

Boy, that's great, Doc.

All you got to do is fill out this order form.

You'll have your candy in two weeks.

Two weeks? I want them now!

Listen, Lud. Lud, here.

Go down to the store for me.

Get me a couple of Kit Kats,

and I will personally drive you

to Colonial Williamsburg.

Sorry, Dr. Crane. Two weeks.

Oh, forget it, then, you rotten kid.

No sale. You should have the chocolate on you!

What do they teach in that school of yours, anyway?

Come on, Frasier.

Well, it's true! What the hell am I paying property taxes for?

Oh, Sam...

I hurt so much!

Hey, Rebecca, Lud is trying to raise money

for his class trip.

How many chocolate bars do you want?

I think you're taking advantage of us.

Oh. Lud, Miss Howe doesn't want to buy any candy.

Why don't you go into your sales pitch?

It's not going to work, Lud.

You can breathe now.

Okay, fine. I'm just going to go about my work as usual.

All right, fine! Five bars.

Isn't he great? You know,

he helped knock 500 bucks off the price of our last car.

Remember that, Lud?

Part of it.

Well, come on. Let's go home.

Evening, chums.

I thought you were having drinks with David and Arlene.

Good people, Sam, but colossal bores.

So, it turns out I can work.

Well, thanks for keeping us in mind here, Woody.

Tell you what. Why don't you help out

by getting a couple of cases of Scotch from the back?

Do I look like I'm dressed to carry Scotch?

Oh. What are you dressed for?

Well, certainly not whatever you're dressed for.

Mr. Peterson, more crisps?

What the hell are crisps?

They're what you call potato chips,

although what I call chips, you would call French fries.

So what are you saying? We have French fries?

Oh, Mr. Peterson, there's so much you don't see

from your little barstool.

Stop teasing me. Do we have French fries, or don't we?

Norm, you don't have to get upset with Woody.

He's just been on the trip of a lifetime,

and it rubbed off a little bit.

That's not such a surprise.

Say it, don't spray it.

This is cashmere, Miss Howe.

You little snot!

I knew you back when you were

just an ignorant farm boy.

That was about a week and a half ago.

You're right. That was about a fortnight, wasn't it?

Ohh...

Come here. I want to talk to you for a second.

What is it, Sam?

I don't know how to put this.

Ow!

What's the matter with you, Sam?

I'll tell you what's the matter.

You're acting like a real ass.

I think you mean "arse."

Ow!

That's starting to hurt.

You know, it doesn't take a fool

to see what's going on here, but I do.

You're all jealous.

This is a case of, "Poor little us.

We don't have the money to do the things

that Woody can do."

Well, as we say back in merry old England, tough!

Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. Come here.

- Look... - Yes, Mr. Peterson?

All Sam was trying to say...

Ow!

That was for the French fries, okay?

What's the matter with you guys?

Why are you all hitting me?

Because hanging around with rich people

has turned you into a little monster.

What are you talking about? I'm no monster.

I'm still the same old Woody Gaines.

Wait a minute. I'm Woody Boyd, right?

Oh, Sam, I have changed, haven't I?

Yeah, I'm afraid you have.

Don't! Don't hit me again, all right?

You don't have to beat it into me, all right?

I know I'm a jerk. I'm the biggest jerk that ever lived!

Hey, how come I didn't get a chance to smack him?

Hi, Woody. I just dropped David and Arlene off

at the hotel, and--

Uh-oh.

Something's wrong. I can tell.

I'll tell you what's wrong, Kelly.

All your money has changed me.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm pretending to be English.

I'm pretending to be something I'm not.

My life has gone completely down the loo!

Woody, aren't you ever coming out of there?

You're starting to scare me.

I'm sorry, Kelly. I'm not trying to scare you,

But it's just, your money is turning me into a monster.

All my old friends hate me now.

But everything was going so well.

What happened?

I just looked into a mirror,

and I didn't like what I saw.

Whatever's wrong, we can work it out.

It's a little more complicated than that, Kelly.

It's like she's having a fight with Señor Wences.

Come on in, Kelly.

Thank you.

Sam, you could nail that door shut right now.

I didn't see a thing.

Wow. What a big moose head.

Kelly, I don't think this is the time for name calling.

What's wrong, Woody?

Don't you see? I'm trying so hard to fit into your world

that I'm starting to lose mine.

Yeah?

So?

The point is, I'm changing.

Suddenly, Mr. Peterson and Mr. Clavin aren't that interesting.

It can't be them, so it must be me.

Woody, I know what you're going through.

Kelly, you don't understand.

You'll never understand.

It's hopeless.

Good-bye, Kelly.

Woody!

Woody!

Woody, don't go.

Sam, do something!

All right, all right, I'll get him.

Hey, Norm, watch the bar for me, will you?

Oh, all right.

Kelly...

There, there!

Mr. Peterson, you're so understanding.

Well... Yeah.

Thanks for reaching out.

Yeah, Kelly...

Come on. Cheer up.

It's just that I'm so alone.

I feel that all the love has gone out of my life.

Am I bothering you, Mr. Peterson?

No. No. It's either listen to it here

or listen to it at home.

What am I going to do?

He says that all my money bothers him

and he can't live in my world.

Kelly, why don't you try living in his world?

What are you saying?

That we can make it if I can just learn

to live without all my money?

Yeah, I guess.

I can do that. It'll be easy.

I don't know, Kelly.

You're going to have to give up an awful lot of stuff.

For example, no more limousines.

Oh, that's okay.

I can take taxis.

Kelly, I don't think Woody can even afford taxis.

You'll have to take the subway.

The what?

The 'T"-- You know, the subway.

Come again?

The subway,

the little trains that run underground,

carry people back and forth.

Right. An underground train.

You're such a joker, Mr. Peterson.

Kelly, they exist,

and most people take them to work every day.

Sure they do, Mr. Peterson. All right.

I'll take your little underground train tomorrow morning.

Underground trains...

Whoo-whoo!

Okay, finally.

Daddy's home.

Oh! I couldn't catch up with Woody.

I saw Kelly going down the street. Is she all right?

No, Sammy. She looked really upset.

You'd better go after her.

All right, all right.

Sometimes I swear it would be easier

to just buy these things.

Boy, oh, boy. Woody and Kelly split up, huh?

Yes. Well, I guess having access to all her money

made him feel a little like a leech.

You seem to make the word "leech"

sound pejorative there, Frase.

An educated man would be proud to be called a leech.

Leeches are a boon to mankind.

I take it you're referring to the practice

of using leeches as a medical cure-all,

a practice which has been discredited for centuries now.

Discredited...

Or covered up?

Well, you got me there.

Sure. Your big drug companies

don't want you to find out about leeches.

You know why? Leeches are free.

Yes, sir, I have great respect for the leech.

I'm sure the feeling's mutual.

Hey, Frase.

Got the tools of a perfect workout right here.

Jump rope. Bag of doughnuts.

Guess which one's yours.

Didn't I tell you? I don't need to work out today.

I think I've reached my peak form. Isn't that great?

Yeah. Okay. Get in the pool room.

We got work to do. Come on.

You weren't listening. I don't need any.

- I'm all better. - Come on. Pool room.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Wood. - Woody.

It's good to be back, guys.

You know? Even though I had to give up Kelly

and I'm heartbroken and I'm pretty miserable,

at least I'm not rich.

It may not be as bad as you think.

What do you mean, Mr. Peterson?

Kelly and I had a little heart-to-heart last night.

Turns out, she's going to give up her money

and try to live the way you do.

Kelly wants to do that for me?

As a matter of fact, she's taking the subway over here right now.

Kelly's taking the subway by herself?

Yeah. She wanted to prove to you she could do normal things.

Well, she can't do normal things. She's never learned how.

She's gonna be eaten alive on that subway.

Go after her, Wood.

Good idea, Mr. Peterson.

Can you watch the bar for me?

Oh... all right.

Some days, Cliff ie,

it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Guys, I guess you're all gonna eat your words,

because guess what I brought.

I give up.

Leeches!

Huh? Look at these babies.

They can't keep themselves off each other.

Where did you get those?

I have my sources.

Why are they here?

It's like a living first-aid kit, Norm--

A cure-all for anything from a minor scrape

to a sucking chest wound.

Ooh, look at the disgusting leeches!

Hey, what's in the jar?

Hi, everybody.

Where's Woody?

He's out looking for you.

What happened, Kelly? Did you get lost?

No. I was having such a great time,

I didn't want it to end.

I love the subway.

Wait a minute.

You like the subway?

Not at first. I got real angry because

a lot of other people tried to get on my subway car.

And then I met some young people

who apparently work for the city,

because they were spray-painting the walls,

and they let me write "Kelly loves Woody"

in a big red heart.

And then the pigs came, and we ran.

Well, I'm out of here. Workout's over.

Good day, all.

That was quick. Only lasted a couple of minutes.

Yes, well, you know, when you're focused...

Where's Sammy?

I don't know.

Buh-bye.

Woody!

Oh, Kelly, thank God you're okay.

Woody, what happened to you?

Oh, I got mugged on the subway.

Oh, my poor Woody.

Come and sit down.

Do you want me to call the pigs?

No, no. I'm okay now. They didn't get much.

They just scared me a little.

Kelly, I don't ever want you to ride that subway again.

But Woody, I just wanted to show you

that I can live without all my money.

I don't want you to live without your money.

I think it's wrong for someone to have to give up their money.

It kind of came to me

as I was handing over my wallet.

But if you live on my money,

aren't you afraid you'll turn into a monster?

Here's what we're going to do.

We're going to be a two-income family.

You live off of your income,

and I'll live off of my mine.

Woody, you're so smart.

I love you.

I love you, Kelly.

Ow!

Oh! Oh, Woody, your eye is swelling shut.

What are we gonna do?

Come on, babies. Time to earn your bacon.