Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

A little bit more to the left there, Woody!

Perfect! Good, good!

- How's that? - Nice!

A little bit more to the right, Wood.

- Yeah, there. Good. - There you go.

- How's that? - Perfect!

Well, about six or eight inches more to the right there, Wood.

- How's that? - Yeah, perfect!

You guys ain't even close.

You know, I think maybe we need a taller building.

What about the Prudential Tower?

Perfect.

See you over there!

Good afternoon all.

- Shut the door! - Why?

To keep out the bitter cold.

Too late. She got in.

I sense the mood of the bar.

You're all suffering from the winter blues.

The shortened daylight hours, the cold, numbing weather,

the bleak sense of isolation.

It's what we in the psychiatric profession call...

the jackpot.

Frasier and I have a wonderful plan to lift our spirits.

You gonna buy some toys and canned goods

and hand 'em out to underprivileged kids?

Well, no.

We're checking into a luxury hotel for a getaway weekend.

Just the two of us.

Wow! Well, that'll make some bellboys happy.

So, aren't you gonna bring the kid?

Well, we would, but we find that we make better parents

if we occasionally take a break from our parenting responsibility.

Hey, you don't have to justify it to me.

My parents ran off for a year with the Pentecostal caravan.

Oh, sure, they called once in a while, but they were speaking in tongues.

It was just by chance that they came back at all.

Sam, what are you doing?

I'm working. What does it look like I'm doing?

Excuse me, but this is the 12th.

Yeah. Well, I work on the 12th.

I ovulate on the 12th.

How was I supposed to know that?

We all knew. It's in the newsletter.

Sam, please, just finish up whatever you're doing,

and let's get pregnant.

That's what I like about Rebecca.

She's just an old-fashioned girl, isn't she?

You cannot order me to perform.

I don't want to have sex with you, okay? No sex!

Who said that?

I don't believe this!

If we don't do it now, we'll have to wait a whole month.

I'm not in the mood, all right?

Who's saying these things?

- Sam, what is wrong with you? - I don't know.

Boy, you two sure argue a lot for two people who aren't in love

but want to have a baby.

I don't know. Maybe that's normal for two people who aren't in love

but want to have a baby.

I've never known anyone who wasn't in love

but wanted to have a baby.

Woody, shut up!

Hey, don't get me caught in your sick web.

Just relax. Remember what the doctor said? Stress can keep you from conceiving.

All we do nowadays is fight.

- Oh, shut up! - No, you shut up.

Shut up!

This is what I'm talking about. This is stress.

Oh, yeah? Well, you got ten minutes

to get your stuff together and get your bad attitude in order

and get over to my place,

and we're gonna make a cute little baby!

I hate her.

Now, at 2:00, we have a choice

between a sumptuous high tea and a relaxing Swedish massage.

At 2:00, right about then, I'll be jumping in my mail truck,

ripping off my shoes and trying to save my toes from frostbite.

Nobody held a gun to your head and said be a mailman.

Frasier, we have a problem.

I've just gotten off the phone with Frederick's teacher

who informs me that your son

has come down with a case of chicken pox.

No! I'm not giving up my non-refundable getaway weekend!

Frasier, your child is ill.

You're right. Of course you're right.

- I'm ashamed. - And deservedly so. Shall we?

I'm on my way.

Well, friends, I've discovered a new way

of getting over the winter blues.

Instead of enjoying a luxury weekend being coddled in a four-star hotel,

I'll be bathing an itchy, whiney two-year-old in oatmeal.

Say, Fras, if you have trouble getting rid of that reservation,

I sure know a couple who've been under a lot of stress

and fighting a lot lately, and, you know, they could benefit

from a nice weekend in a hotel.

- Thanks for thinking of us, Sammy. - Yeah.

I just got to run home, get my travel iron, real quick.

I'm not talking about you guys. I'm talking about me and Rebecca.

Stupid. You should have thought of that.

You made the same mistake, pal.

Boy, we really could've used that weekend.

Come on. What do you say, huh?

Please?

Oh, all right. Here. Take the room.

Conceive your child. Go make.

Doesn't it at least make you feel better

knowing somebody's having fun?

No.

I know it sounds petty, but, frankly,

I can't think of anything that would make me feel worse.

Oh, Frasier, dear, I can't remember.

Have you ever had the chicken pox?

I can always think of something that would make him feel worse.

Hey, everybody.

Woody, set me up with a beer, will you?

Aren't you gonna finish your mail route, Mr. Clavin?

Are you kidding? Too much snow and sleet out there.

Besides, it's getting a little dark.

I don't blame you, Cliff. I hate going out in this weather.

You guys are a bunch of whining, complaining weenies.

What, you like this weather?

Oh, is that the topic?

Well, are we gonna let this weather defeat us,

or are we gonna fight back?

I'm with you, Doc. So what shall we do?

Hey, have you guys ever heard of something called the Polar Bear Club?

It's great.

We used to go all the time where I grew up.

Bunch of guys get in their cars, they drive down to the ocean,

they strip down to their skivvies, and they run right into the water.

I was thinking more of a belching contest.

I don't know. Loudest or longest?

Fine, fine.

You guys don't know what you're missing.

When we were kids, we didn't care if it was January or February.

We just jumped in that ocean and swam.

It felt great.

It was like we scored one against winter.

Hey, if it's good enough for Mr. Krapence...

- Well, are we up to it, men? - All right.

Well, it's one of the earthly thrills I haven't tried yet.

Let's do it!

Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

Polar Bear! Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

So, Paul, where were you brought up?

Honolulu.

Three bucks for a lousy pack of gum.

Sam, get away from the honor bar.

Honor bar.

Hey, sweetheart, what do you think?

If it's a boy, we name it Sam.

Oh, I don't know.

You know, I always thought that naming a child after yourself

was like saying you want him to grow up to be just like you,

to like the things you like, to act the way you do.

Okay. Sam, it is.

Yeah...

Sam.

You know something, Dad, I really like my name.

Thanks, Sam.

- Beautiful evening, isn't it? - Oh, sure is, Dad.

Say, how's that paper route coming?

Just fine, Dad.

Before long, I'll have enough saved up to buy that baseball glove.

Tell me again what it was like when you were in the major leagues, Dad.

Oh, come on. You must be getting tired of hearing that.

How could I ever get tired of hearing about you, Dad?

I'm coming.

I hope it's not the honor bar police.

Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong room.

I went out to get some stuff for the kids.

I guess I got lost. I'm sorry about that.

Excuse me. You don't mind my asking...

- How many kids you got? - Three boys.

Wow! That's great. How long you been married?

- 20 years. - Wow! Hey, listen...

You don't have any advice for a guy

who's about to start his family, do you?

Well, it's no big secret what you need to start a happy family...

Love.

If a man and woman really love each other,

they pass that love onto the kids,

and they'll grow up strong and healthy.

Yeah, well, I know love's okay and everything, but...

What about those other important things like friendship and a sense of humor?

- A sense of humor? - Yeah.

What's that going to get you?

I mean, look at Martin and Lewis. They had a sense of humor.

But were they happy?

No, they weren't.

No, because it takes love.

- You got a lot of that, huh? - Me? No, I can't stand my missus.

It's been 20 years of living hell for me.

Hey, look, it's Dad.

What's the matter?

Can't find your way back to the room, you stupid idiot?

Those are the kids.

Come on, Dad. Move your fat ass.

Give me fifty bucks for the arcade.

On my good days, I pray for death.

Good luck to you, son. You're gonna need it.

I bet that wouldn't have happened if he'd named one of his kids Sam.

Yeah. Sam.

So how's that paper route coming?

I've been saving up.

Why don't we pull over here to this market,

and I'll run in and buy us some soda?

- My treat. - Great idea, son.

- I'll be right back. - Okey-dokey.

He's got that Malone swagger.

- Floor it, Dad! - Why? What happened?

- I robbed the store! - But why?

I had to do something to make up for the lack of love

between you and Mom!

Move your fat ass, you stupid idiot!

Why'd you two even have a kid anyway?

Well, we sort of thought it'd be fun.

Fun?

I'll show you fun.

- Oh, no! No! - I got one!

Boy! Did you see that guy's head explode?

These hollow-point bullets are great!

Hey, everybody! I'm little Sammy Malone,

and my Dad was a major league pitcher,

and he didn't love my mother!

Okay, Sam. I give in.

If it's a boy, we can name him Sam.

Sam?

Sam?

Sam?

Here we go, darling.

I'm sorry. I hope I didn't ruin the moment.

I was standing out in the hall, naked.

The door slammed shut. I didn't have any place else to go.

Anyway, if you could just loan me a robe,

I can wait back out in the hall.

No, no. There's a robe you can use in the bathroom.

- Larry will go look for... - Sam. You can't miss him.

He's a big galoot with a lantern jaw.

Have you ever been naked in a hotel hallway?

The sailors just come out of the woodwork.

Don't worry, miss. I'll find him and come right back.

I was in the bathroom taking a bath, and I was talking to Sam,

but he wasn't really even listening to me.

I guess he decided to go down to the store

and get some gum or something. I don't know. He was like...

He didn't even know that I was...

...alive.

Well, you sure look beautiful.

Look at all these flowers!

Oh, my! Boy, you must have a huge family.

No, those were all from my guy.

Isn't he sweet?

Well, mine's down right now getting me some...

...gum, I think.

How long have you and Sam been married?

Oh, actually, we weren't even pla...

...six months.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

- It's my husband. - He's already down in the lobby?

No, he's calling me from the elevator phone

just to tell me he loves me.

It's supposed to be just for emergencies.

Oh, you are so sweet.

You're the perfect couple, aren't you?

Oh, I bet you had a beautiful wedding.

Well, all weddings are nice. Wasn't yours?

Oh, yeah.

We had, you know, lots of flow... And we had...

A lot of people came in...

A lot of people from out of town.

If you'll excuse me a minute.

I'm just gonna wait outside in the hall.

Oh, hi.

There's a bellboy waiting outside your room with a passkey.

- Okay. - Sorry I couldn't find your husband.

But look what I did find!

Oh! A bunny!

You have the sweetest lips in the whole wide world, honey.

You've got the sweetest lips in the whole wide world, honey.

Knock, knock. The little woman is home.

Hey, what are you barging in here for?

You forgot to hang the sock on the door.

That's because I didn't want to take it off.

It was cold. They turned the heat off.

Oh, yeah, they turned the heat off cause you forgot to pay the bill, pal.

What was I supposed to pay it with? Love?

- Shut up. - No, you shut up!

- You shut up! - You shut up!

- Shut up! - Shut up!

Come on, Sam. Get her out of here.

I'm ovulating.

Oh, that's great. You couldn't tell me 15 minutes ago?

Oh, this is...

Come on, scooch, honey. I got my chores to do.

Yeah, go on, go on, go on.

Oh, Sam, come on, hurry up. Let's make a baby.

Let's go in the other room and do it!

This is the other room.

God! Why are we so poor and miserable?

Well, honey, we may be poor and miserable,

but at least we can live on love.

You shut up!

- You shut up! - Shut up!

- Shut up! - Shut up!

Don't you use that word "love."

Love has nothing to do with this relationship.

I will use any word I want in this house! Love!

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love!

You foulmouthed barren tramp!

Half-man! Half-man!

Enough foreplay for you?

Yeah. Turn off the light.

I got a poker game on that table in five minutes.

You better make it quick.

Yeah, that's gonna be tough with you.

Hey, shut up!

You shut up!

Shut up!

- Shut up! - Shut up!

Could you leave now?

Oh, sure.

Hey.

Why aren't you home watching your scabby kid?

My mother's come into town to help take care,

so I thought I'd steal a few moments and come here

and relax with my husband.

- He's not here. - Better yet.

Where is my husband anyway?

Oh, some of the guys went to do something,

and he went along.

I suppose if they all went to jump off a cliff, he'd do that, too.

I didn't think of that, but it probably would've worked.

Polar Bear! Polar Bear!

So you guys went for your little swim?

Yeah. Well, we drove drown there, you know,

we jumped into our bathing suites, raced each other along the beach.

When we hit the water...

You chickened out, right?

Well, we prefer to think of it as coming to our senses

just in time to save our goodies.

None of you guys had the guts to go through with it, huh?

Well, one of us did.

Just a few more steps, Dr. Crane.

- Darling, are you all right? - I'm okay.

- What did he say? - Sounded like "oil can."

Here. This should help warm you up.

Must have been a terrifying experience.

It was positively surreal.

First, the cold water hitting me like an electric shock,

dragging me down like a palpable force,

and then when I was crawling back onto the beach, it kept at me,

as though for all the world someone was actually pushing me

back into the frozen water.

Told you it wasn't funny.

Where have you been, Sam?

Just went for a walk. Get some fresh air.

So, you ready to make the baby?

Sure, I am... if you are.

Oh, you are?

Well, all right, good. Let's get to it here.

Okay.

Okay, let's...

Let's make that baby.

There's something wrong, isn't there, Sam?

Yeah, there's something I want to say and I...

I've been walking around trying to figure out how to say it.

I guess the only thing to do is just say it.

Sam, I don't love you. I'm not gonna have your baby.

It'd be a big, stupid mistake.

What?

What were you going to say?

Well, the same thing, but in a much nicer way.

You were?

Yeah. I mean...

You know, if we don't love each other, how can we raise a kid?

That's right, because it wouldn't be fair to the kid.

I agree.

I mean, all we've talked about is how much we want a baby.

We. We. We. We never even thought about

how it would be for a baby to have us.

I agree.

I think we got to call the whole thing off.

I agree! I can't believe this!

This is the first thing we've agreed about

since the whole baby thing came up.

I agree!

- Sam, I love you! - Oh, I love you, too!

- I mean, I don't love you love you... - I don't love you love you, either.

And, Sam, we can still have kids, just not with each other.

Yeah.

I'm sorry. Old habit.

- That's right. We're just friends. - Yeah.

Actually, friends don't open their mouths.

Old habit.

See you at work tomorrow.

Yeah.

Bye-bye.

Sam, what's happening?

See you in a couple years, Dad.

Sam...

Where are you going?

Sam?

You're a rotten kid! Now bring back my wallet!

Look at him waddle!