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1
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:04,505
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:11,345
Lilith, do we have to do this?
3
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,556
Frasier, making out a will
is a sensible precaution
4
00:00:14,723 --> 00:00:16,433
and one you've been
avoiding for months.
5
00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,268
We're seeing the lawyer this afternoon,
6
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,604
and we have to get
these questions answered.
7
00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:25,067
Look, darling, I find this entire
will discussion troubling.
8
00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:27,569
It's not easy to talk
about one's mortality.
9
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:33,283
Just the thought of being apart
from you and little Frederick...
10
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,118
Well, it's just hard.
11
00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:36,954
So who gets the wok?
12
00:00:38,789 --> 00:00:40,040
The wok?
13
00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:42,417
My God, woman, we're talking
about death here...
14
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:44,962
My death, your death,
the end of everything,
15
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,714
being lowered into the grave
in a silk-lined casket.
16
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,633
Yes, and?
17
00:00:49,800 --> 00:00:52,803
And it's upsetting
to mammals like me.
18
00:00:55,681 --> 00:00:56,682
Look, Lilith,
19
00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,227
all my life I've had a problem
talking about death.
20
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:03,146
I know it's irrational,
but I can't help feeling
21
00:01:03,313 --> 00:01:05,232
if you talk about it, it will happen.
22
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,443
- Well, Frasier, it will happen.
- Stop it!
23
00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:11,071
What, do you think
if I hadn't mentioned it,
24
00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:12,447
you'd live forever?
25
00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,118
Well, now we'll
never know, will we?
26
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,280
- Hi, Mr. Krapence.
- Hi, Woody.
27
00:02:35,447 --> 00:02:37,115
Where's Norm and Cliff?
28
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:38,950
I guess they're at work.
I don't know.
29
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:41,119
You got a cute sense
of humor, Woody. I like that.
30
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:46,875
I bet you Norm and Cliff are
doing something really fun.
31
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,586
Those guys never
include me in anything.
32
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:52,964
What is it about me
that's such a turn-off?
33
00:02:55,425 --> 00:02:58,970
Normally, Paul, with a set-up
like that I'd go for blood.
34
00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:00,889
But I can tell you're a little hurt
35
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,684
and a little upset,
so I'm gonna go easy on you.
36
00:03:04,351 --> 00:03:05,435
It's your looks.
37
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,106
What am I, everybody's punching bag?
38
00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:13,360
Come on, lighten up, Mr. Krapence.
Hey, you want to hear a funny joke
39
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,237
that Mr. Clavin told me
the other day?
40
00:03:15,404 --> 00:03:16,905
- Sure. What the hell?
- All right.
41
00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:21,326
Okay. What's round,
looks like an owl,
42
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:24,037
wears glasses
and goofy orange suspenders?
43
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,252
I don't know. What?
44
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:32,587
Nothing.
45
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,884
- Hey, everybody.
- Welcome back.
46
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,637
May I inquire as to exactly
where the hell you've been?
47
00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:42,556
Vera?
48
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,269
You know, I'm sick of the way
you guys treat me.
49
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:48,895
You waltz off, God knows where,
50
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:51,940
and you leave me here with nobody,
and I mean nobody, to talk to.
51
00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:53,984
Hey, I love you, too, Paul.
52
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:58,697
He's trying awfully hard to fit in.
A little too hard if you ask me.
53
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,449
All he does is sit there
whimpering and whining,
54
00:04:00,615 --> 00:04:04,077
feeling sorry for himself,
saying, "include me, include me."
55
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,412
That stuff doesn't work.
56
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,038
It worked for you, Cliff.
57
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,167
The point is, it's not
going to work twice.
58
00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:14,755
- Woody, where's Sam?
- He's in the office, Miss Howe.
59
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,715
Get your butt out here, Mr. Macho!
60
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,842
We've been going at it for six months
like a couple of monkeys,
61
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,051
and I'm still not pregnant!
62
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:27,309
Honey, there's an inside voice,
and there's an outside voice.
63
00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:29,436
I think that was
your outside voice, don't you?
64
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,896
Guess who came
to visit this morning?
65
00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:33,064
Mr. Charlie. That's right, my period.
66
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,235
You'd think they'd have
a little more respect.
67
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,237
Some of us are trying
to drink our beer here.
68
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:42,824
Kind of puts you off
your beer, does it?
69
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:46,953
Well, no, not really.
It would take a lot more to do that.
70
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:47,996
Oh, yeah?
71
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,081
What would it take?
72
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:51,750
I don't know.
73
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,879
How about a plate of meat loaf
with an abscess on it?
74
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,049
No.
75
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:03,637
How about a bowl full of scabs?
76
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,140
All right.
77
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:08,558
How about...
78
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,687
Oh, my God.
79
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,148
That's disgusting.
80
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,317
Where do you come up with that stuff?
81
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,490
But it wasn't enough.
82
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:26,201
According to the book
that I've been reading,
83
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:28,453
I should definitely
be pregnant by now.
84
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,872
I think maybe we're gonna have
to see a fertility specialist.
85
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:33,333
- A what?
- A fertility specialist.
86
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,918
I asked my doctor
to recommend one,
87
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,169
and he gave me this card.
88
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,547
No way. No, no, no.
89
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:41,299
- We're not seeing any doctors.
- But, Sam, it's not working.
90
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:42,717
I think that it's time
that we have to face
91
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:45,011
the possibility that there's
something wrong with you.
92
00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:51,351
You know why
we're not conceiving?
93
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:52,936
You're too mean to me.
94
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,565
No, I'm not mean.
I'm perfectly nice.
95
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,692
I just think you're
shooting blanks, pal.
96
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,904
See? There you go again.
That's mean.
97
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:05,490
I'm sorry. Maybe I've been
pushing too hard.
98
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:07,826
It's just that I want
this baby so bad
99
00:06:07,993 --> 00:06:09,160
that every time
I find out I'm not pregnant,
100
00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:10,579
I just go crazy.
101
00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,874
Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?
102
00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:15,667
Here, just keep the card,
103
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,210
and if you want
to call the doctor, that's fine.
104
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,379
If you don't, that's fine, too. I mean it.
105
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,131
I'm really sorry.
106
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,967
The last thing in the world
I wanted to do was hurt you.
107
00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:26,678
Thank you.
108
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:30,765
I can't make this call.
109
00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,268
Your fingers don't work, either?
110
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:42,777
This'll get you.
111
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:48,116
How about losing your balance
in a sewage treatment plant?
112
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:50,785
Nah.
113
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,581
All right, all right, here it is.
114
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,668
How about eating food
recovered from an autopsy?
115
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,425
All right, I got one.
116
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:09,012
How about someone
coming in from the field
117
00:07:09,179 --> 00:07:10,472
who's been working all day
118
00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,349
while you're sitting down
at the dinner table
119
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:14,059
and they got no shirt on
120
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,227
and their chest hair's
all matted down?
121
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,109
That's kind of unpleasant, Wood,
but it's not really gross.
122
00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,070
That's because
you never met Grandma.
123
00:07:31,409 --> 00:07:33,995
- Hey!
- All right!
124
00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,791
Wood, you want to put
a head on that, please?
125
00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:43,254
All right, Frasier,
let's move on to the living will.
126
00:07:43,922 --> 00:07:45,799
Imagine you've been
hideously mangled
127
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,343
and are being kept alive
by a respirator.
128
00:07:49,260 --> 00:07:53,473
Factoring in the enormous expense,
the uncertainty, the heartbreak,
129
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,725
do you really want
to be kept alive artificially,
130
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:56,893
or can I pull the plug
131
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:59,062
when the nurse ducks out
for a cigarette?
132
00:08:01,564 --> 00:08:04,818
By all means, pull the plug.
Smother me with the pillow.
133
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:05,986
Save time, woman.
134
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,904
Why not do it tonight
while I'm asleep?
135
00:08:10,448 --> 00:08:12,742
Well, I guess I can't talk
to him about anything.
136
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:18,790
So, where did the two musketeers
go without me today?
137
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,166
Well, we went hang-gliding,
138
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:23,461
then we had lunch
with the Miss Massachusetts finalists,
139
00:08:23,628 --> 00:08:26,631
and then we got to drive a fire truck
around for a couple hours.
140
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,342
- It was great.
- You're kidding.
141
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,677
Why didn't you ask me along?
142
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:33,555
Yes, we are kidding, Paul.
We went to McDonald's.
143
00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,348
What? You went to McDonald's?
144
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,310
Woody, where's Sam?
145
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:42,439
"Woody, where's Norm and Cliff?"
"Woody, where's Sam?"
146
00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:43,815
I know how Mr. Krapence feels.
147
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,359
How come no one ever walks in
and asks me where I am?
148
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,030
Woody, where are you?
149
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:52,574
Don't ask me now.
Ask me when I'm not around.
150
00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,331
I went to the doctor,
and I had an examination.
151
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,208
- What happened?
- I don't know yet.
152
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,419
They'll call me with the results.
I want you to know
153
00:09:04,586 --> 00:09:06,337
that no matter what happens,
we're in this together.
154
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:10,133
There'll be no finger-pointing,
no blaming, and if there is a problem,
155
00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:11,801
- we'll work through it.
- Yeah.
156
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,178
Because we both want the same thing.
157
00:09:13,344 --> 00:09:15,555
- More than anything.
- We just want a little baby.
158
00:09:18,433 --> 00:09:19,392
You know...
159
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:21,311
Hello?
160
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:22,479
This is she.
161
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:25,565
Oh, really? Are you sure?
162
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,400
Okay. Thank you, Doctor.
163
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:33,948
All right! It's not me!
It must be you!
164
00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:36,159
You're the one!
165
00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,370
Frasier, focus.
If we're going to make a will,
166
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,581
we have to get
these questions worked out.
167
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:44,084
I just don't want
to talk about my death.
168
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,585
and/or dismemberment.
169
00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:53,093
You know, I don't see us lingering
over the question of your death.
170
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,053
Well, that's because
statistically speaking
171
00:09:55,220 --> 00:09:56,346
I'll outlive you.
172
00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,389
I'll just bet you're looking
forward to that,
173
00:09:58,556 --> 00:09:59,766
being the "Widder Crane."
174
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,185
Frasier, really.
175
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:06,564
You know, first you get me to get
this $1 million life insurance policy.
176
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,358
Now you're badgering
me about the will.
177
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,444
Lilith, I'm practically afraid
to start my car in the morning.
178
00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,198
Frasier, I'm a scientist.
179
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,200
If I wanted to kill you,
I could certainly think
180
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:19,202
of more clever ways
to do it than that.
181
00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,412
Something subtle,
182
00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,832
something that couldn't
be traced back to me.
183
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,584
Drink your drink, darling.
184
00:10:28,503 --> 00:10:31,047
You are so cute
when you fear for your life.
185
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:36,553
Lilith, all this talk
of wills and dying...
186
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,140
I've just never been
so depressed in all my life.
187
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,102
Frasier, everyone dies.
We have to face that.
188
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:45,728
I'm going to die, too.
189
00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:46,855
Again?
190
00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:54,362
Some people are just a bunch
of babies about making out a will.
191
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,364
- Think so?
- Yeah, sure, I think so.
192
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,116
As far as I'm concerned,
193
00:10:58,283 --> 00:11:01,077
I think it's your duty
as a mature adult.
194
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,329
You got to prepare
for the inevitable, Norm.
195
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,497
You took care of it, huh?
196
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,082
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you bet.
197
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:08,251
Anything happens to me,
everything goes to Ma.
198
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,044
What happens if Ma goes first?
199
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,087
Shut up!
200
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,924
Shut up, Peterson!
Shut up, the whole sick bunch of you!
201
00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,221
Why should I have to go
to a fertility doctor?
202
00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,557
I don't want to go
to a fertility doctor.
203
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:23,600
Sam.
204
00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:27,729
I hate going to doctors,
especially fertility doctors.
205
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,773
Sammy, why don't you just go?
206
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,775
Why should I?
207
00:11:33,985 --> 00:11:36,654
The whole idea that I have
a problem is just ridiculous.
208
00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:37,739
Oh, yeah?
209
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,784
You've been with thousands
of women over the years, right?
210
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,161
Yeah, right.
211
00:11:44,204 --> 00:11:46,789
How many cards
do you get on Father's Day?
212
00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:52,837
That doesn't mean anything.
213
00:11:53,421 --> 00:11:56,925
Sam, sooner or later you're
gonna have to face the possibility
214
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,843
that whether you like it or not,
215
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,889
you might just possibly
have a low sperm count.
216
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,057
You're fired!
217
00:12:04,849 --> 00:12:06,517
Get out of here! Go on!
Right now! You're fired!
218
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:07,685
Don't turn on me.
219
00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:08,937
I'm not the one with the problem.
220
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:10,521
I do not have a problem!
221
00:12:11,898 --> 00:12:15,068
I have just as much firepower
as the next guy, I'll tell you that.
222
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,861
You think I'm afraid to go
to that doctor, don't you.
223
00:12:17,028 --> 00:12:18,112
Well, watch this.
224
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,782
I'm gonna go to that
stupid fertility doctor.
225
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:24,702
I bet my fertility just
soars right off the map.
226
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,456
I'll bet I break
the stupid machine.
227
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,460
You don't think they use
a machine, do you?
228
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:57,777
Can I help you?
229
00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:04,867
Do you have an appointment?
230
00:13:05,743 --> 00:13:06,869
No, no.
231
00:13:07,036 --> 00:13:10,290
I was just in the building.
I thought I'd stop by and say hi.
232
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,417
Hi.
233
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:16,921
Actually I'm here for a cleaning.
234
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,717
This is a fertility clinic.
235
00:13:20,883 --> 00:13:23,386
What precisely
would you like us to clean?
236
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:28,391
Oh, this is embarrassing.
237
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,311
I'm sorry. I thought this was a dentist.
238
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,896
You know something, though? You know...
239
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:36,983
While I'm here...
240
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,693
I have this friend
who's got a problem,
241
00:13:38,860 --> 00:13:41,946
and maybe you could do him
a favor and write him a note.
242
00:13:42,113 --> 00:13:43,156
Saying what?
243
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:48,036
It doesn't really matter.
Just "To whom it may concern,
244
00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:50,455
Sam Malone..." That's my friend.
245
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:53,583
"Sam Malone has a very,
very high sperm count.
246
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:55,585
Go ahead and have
plenty of sex with him."
247
00:13:57,795 --> 00:14:00,214
Maybe, you know, sign it
down here at the bottom.
248
00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,301
If you want to put that
into medical terms,
249
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,469
that would be cool.
250
00:14:05,762 --> 00:14:07,055
I can't do that.
251
00:14:07,805 --> 00:14:09,891
There's 30 bucks
in it for you if you do.
252
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,726
You're Sam Malone, aren't you?
253
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:15,021
Yeah.
254
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,564
How did you know?
255
00:14:16,731 --> 00:14:19,233
Believe me, this happens all the time.
256
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,736
The doctor has an opening.
Would you like to see him?
257
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:25,448
Yeah, yeah. All right.
258
00:14:29,535 --> 00:14:30,578
Listen...
259
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,456
You really don't use
a machine, do you?
260
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,549
Can I help you?
261
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,762
No, I just wanted
to stop in and say hi.
262
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,269
According to the tests,
263
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:58,856
the doctor says that I'm
as fertile as an Iowa cornfield.
264
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:06,364
Fully stocked ovaries,
fallopian tubes like fire hoses.
265
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:08,950
- How you doing, Norm?
- Still drinking.
266
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,205
What have you got there, Mr. Clavin?
267
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:15,957
Cake and a pizza.
268
00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:18,042
I was thinking about how we keep
leaving Paul out of stuff,
269
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:20,670
so I thought why not
throw him a little party.
270
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,673
What a sweet,
generous thing to do, Cliff.
271
00:15:23,840 --> 00:15:25,550
Yeah, yeah. Thanks.
272
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,052
I remember how lonely
and left out I felt
273
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,096
until you guys threw me that big party.
274
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,556
We never threw you a party.
275
00:15:32,181 --> 00:15:33,224
No kidding.
276
00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:37,270
Anyway, Paul's not here.
277
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:39,605
I know. I called him at home,
278
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:41,774
and told him to get down
here as soon as he can.
279
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:42,942
He said he was just
getting out of the tub,
280
00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,652
and he was toweling himself off.
281
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,162
We have a winner!
282
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:01,669
So, you got a pizza there, huh?
283
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,380
- Yeah, yeah. It's a pizza.
- Yeah.
284
00:16:04,547 --> 00:16:06,716
- Paul's really going to enjoy that.
- Yeah.
285
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,426
When's he supposed
to be coming by?
286
00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,011
- Couple minutes.
- Couple minutes?
287
00:16:10,178 --> 00:16:11,179
Couple minutes.
288
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:15,308
- That's pepperoni, huh?
- You betcha.
289
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:19,604
Did you mention to Paul
that we had a cake and a pizza?
290
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,190
No, no, no, I didn't.
291
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,860
So, you know,
we still have the cake.
292
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,028
If there wasn't any pizza,
293
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,280
Paul wouldn't know
there was ever a pizza.
294
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:31,908
Exactly.
295
00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:41,042
What kind of cake is it?
296
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,965
It's an angel food.
297
00:16:48,799 --> 00:16:49,800
This is bad.
298
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,136
This is really bad.
299
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:55,056
We should take that cake
and put it in the office
300
00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:56,349
where it won't be
such a temptation.
301
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:57,642
- Good idea.
- Yeah.
302
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,060
Out of sight, out of mind, huh?
303
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,193
We're going to eat the cake,
too, aren't we, Norm?
304
00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,277
It's gone.
305
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,077
Here.
306
00:17:16,619 --> 00:17:18,955
The will is signed and witnessed.
307
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:21,249
I hope you're happy, woman.
308
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,918
I wash my hands
of the entire affair.
309
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:27,046
I want that thing sealed up
and put into a vault until...
310
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,257
Until you're sealed
and put in a vault?
311
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:34,720
I'm just your ball
of yarn today, aren't I?
312
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,181
I've also given
my executor the right
313
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:39,684
to dispose of a few
personal effects,
314
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:44,355
a few things which might give solace
to those who cared about me.
315
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:46,983
Carla, what would you
like me to leave you?
316
00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,901
How about a tip for a change?
317
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,407
Hey, Woody,
Cliff called me and told me
318
00:17:54,574 --> 00:17:56,075
that he and Norm wanted to see me.
Where are they?
319
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,702
They're in the office.
320
00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:00,746
Say, Woody, how about you?
What can I give you?
321
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:05,376
Oh. Well, you know
those sweaters like that one
322
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:06,711
with the big leaves on them?
323
00:18:06,877 --> 00:18:07,837
Yes.
324
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,255
Anything but those.
325
00:18:14,802 --> 00:18:15,803
Oh, hey, Paul. How are you?
326
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:16,887
Hey.
327
00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,264
You guys wanted to see me?
328
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,350
Yeah. We were just talking...
329
00:18:21,976 --> 00:18:25,229
We'd like to apologize for,
you know, leaving you out of things
330
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,024
and, you know, that kind of stuff.
331
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,943
After all, you've only been
coming here, what, a few weeks.
332
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,737
Ten years. I've been
coming here for ten years.
333
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:35,531
- Whatever. Whatever.
- Anyway...
334
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,951
We just feel like we want to...
Oh, thanks, Woody.
335
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,287
Just feel like we want
to make it up to you.
336
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,415
What we're going to do, Paul,
we're going to buy you a free beer.
337
00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:47,960
Woody, right to the brim
for Uncle Paul, huh?
338
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,921
Wow, I can't believe this.
339
00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:52,798
Thanks, guys.
Really nice thing to do.
340
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,383
It really makes me feel special.
341
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:55,843
Don't mention it, Paul.
342
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:00,097
You guys ate my cake, didn't you?
343
00:19:00,264 --> 00:19:01,682
Yes, we did, Paul.
344
00:19:08,856 --> 00:19:09,857
You know,
345
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,737
writing this will
has forced me to take
346
00:19:14,904 --> 00:19:16,697
a good, long look at my life...
347
00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:20,368
Who I've been, who I've become.
348
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,665
As I tally up the ledger of my life, I...
349
00:19:27,041 --> 00:19:29,210
...I come to one unmistakable conclusion.
350
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,006
I have tipped you adequately.
351
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,889
More, in fact, than you have deserved.
352
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:46,394
Frasier, I called a cab.
Go clean yourself up.
353
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:47,687
Okay.
354
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,693
You were never courteous, never once.
355
00:19:57,863 --> 00:19:59,699
Sammy, what took you so long?
356
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:04,537
I decided to hang around
and wait for the lab report.
357
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,749
When I finally got it,
I was afraid to look at it.
358
00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:10,543
I've been walking
around the Common
359
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,254
hoping someone would
mug me and steal it.
360
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,840
Yeah. Those things are really hot.
361
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:19,510
I carry a sign on my car,
"Driver has no lab results."
362
00:20:26,851 --> 00:20:28,561
Why don't you go ahead
and look at it?
363
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:32,189
- It might be good news.
- It might be bad news.
364
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,900
- It might be good news.
- What if it's not?
365
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,027
You're not gonna know
unless you open it.
366
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,279
I can't.
367
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,281
You open it.
368
00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:42,408
Oh, I couldn't do that.
369
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,578
I couldn't bear to tell you
if it was bad news.
370
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,664
- But what if it's good news?
- But what if it's bad news?
371
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:54,670
This could turn out to be
the worst night of my life.
372
00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:55,713
Or the best.
373
00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:59,967
And the only difference is a few
lousy words on a piece of paper.
374
00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:04,889
This is the rest of my life
we're talking about here.
375
00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:10,311
I may have a kid
to play baseball with
376
00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:12,438
or I may not.
377
00:21:12,605 --> 00:21:14,940
I may have someone
to carry on my name
378
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,358
or I may not.
379
00:21:19,904 --> 00:21:22,823
Boy, it's amazing how much power
a little piece of paper can have.
380
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:24,909
Maybe this is just
one of those things
381
00:21:25,075 --> 00:21:26,494
that people should not know.
382
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:30,498
- Sammy?
- Yeah?
383
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:32,333
Give me that trash can over there.
384
00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:37,296
- What are you doing?
- Putting you out of your misery.
385
00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:39,799
It was just a little
too painful to watch.
386
00:21:42,343 --> 00:21:43,677
Hey, thank you.
387
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:51,143
Too bad we don't have
any marshmallows, huh?
388
00:21:52,478 --> 00:21:53,604
We got you.
389
00:21:56,524 --> 00:21:58,359
Hey, Frasier, your cab's here.
390
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,487
Oh, there. I pulled myself together.
391
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,203
Now that I have my will,
392
00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:12,873
I suppose I can look
into the face of death.
393
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:15,709
I just hope I don't wake her.
394
00:22:25,010 --> 00:22:28,222
I am sorry about the passing
of your husband, Lilith.
395
00:22:28,389 --> 00:22:31,100
Frasier was a good man,
and we will all miss him.
396
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,268
Thank you.
397
00:22:32,434 --> 00:22:37,356
Well, I now have the unhappy task
of reading your late husband's will.
398
00:22:38,566 --> 00:22:39,692
Are you okay, mother?
399
00:22:39,859 --> 00:22:41,485
Yes. Thank you, Frederick.
400
00:22:43,404 --> 00:22:46,866
"Sam Malone's sperm count
is well within normal range."
401
00:22:48,242 --> 00:22:49,785
That damn bar.
30456
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