Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Cheers.

Hang on a second. I'll check.

Yeah, the refrigerator's running.

Thank you for asking.

What?

How could it possibly get away?

No. A refrigerator doesn't have the power of movement.

Well, yeah, sure I get it, but, see--

"Running," the way you're using it,

can only mean "working."

See, it's what we call a homonym.

I'm sorry, too.

Boy, Mr. Peterson, some people...

Well, you tried to explain the joke.

That's the problem.

Hey, Dr. Crane, after you're done with that paper,

can I have it?

Actually, I planned on saving it, Woody.

See, there's an article here

on the ins and outs on buying diamonds,

and I was thinking of buying Lilith a brooch.

Oh, okay. See, I was wanting to clip the coupons

'cause I'm trying to make it to my next paycheck.

But I don't want to cut up your article

on jewels and diamonds.

Here's the paper, Woody.

You know, Lilith and I are actually

making some economic concessions as well.

For instance, I decided not to buy that new BMW.

- Really? - That's right.

So what are the coupons for?

Food.

You know what?

I'm going to stop talking now.

Top of the morning to ye.

So, how do you like my outfit there, Norm?

Cliff, you're my friend.

I haven't judged you in the past

and I'm not gonna start now.

Hey, listen up, everybody.

I got an announcement to make here.

Yours truly has been selected by the USPS

for a reenactment of the first mail delivery

down the venerable Boston Post Road.

Yeah, I'm gonna be riding a horse on the last leg

from Hingham to the Central PO.

Heh heh. That's why I'm dressed this way.

What way?

You know, this crazy-looking outfit.

Boy, are you splitting hairs today.

Cliff ie, look, you can't ride a horse. You're afraid of horses.

How do you know?

I know you're afraid of that little carousel

in front of the market.

That was a safety concern, Norm.

Is that why you were screaming,

"Stop! Stop! We're all gonna die"?

I was concerned about the kids, Norm.

Is that so wrong?

Boy, Cliff, I am so jealous.

I used to love horses.

You know, when I was a little girl,

every weekend I would ride my pony.

And I would feed my pony sugar cubes

and little bits of chocolate and Snickers.

They really like that.

And sometimes I would give my pony some Snickers,

and then I would eat some Snickers.

And then other times I would eat all the sugar cubes

and the chocolate and the Snickers

before I ever got to the stable.

And then one time my riding instructor told me

I couldn't ride my pony anymore.

Why, Miss Howe?

Well, he said that I had... outgrown it.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Well, I hope you'll all tune in tonight.

The local news is going to show

my triumphant ride to the post office.

Yeah, heh heh.

It's a big moment for me.

Ah, it's the high point of my career, you know?

It's the high point of my entire life.

Hey, why is Cliff ie dressed like that?

I forget.

Saa-am.

What are you doing down here, Hill?

Hair Club For Men meeting?

Oh, I didn't see you down there, Miss Tortelli,

although, frankly, you do...

...announce your presence.

So, have you decided what color

you're going to dye your head for Easter?

Why don't you just scuttle under the office door and get Sam?

Sam! Hill's here!

Don't tell me.

Pizza for lunch?

Hi, John. What's up?

Saa-am, we have a problem.

I gotta be honest with you, John.

The way you pronounce my name really bugs me.

How would you like me to pronounce it?

Sam. Just Sam.

You try it.

Saa-am.

All right, John,

what would you say if you were gonna order a ham sandwich?

I don't eat haa-am.

Never mind. What do you want?

My busboy informs me that the Dumpsters are full.

Our Dumpsters are full. What's the big problem?

Aha. They are not our Dumpsters.

They are my Dumpsters.

If that's confusing, perhaps

I'll have a likeness of your face painted on the Dumpster

with a bold line drawn through it.

In fact, I'll do that anyway...

Just for a giggle.

Perhaps I'll have buttons made up.

I'll make it a whole thing.

Hey, Hill, you can't order us around like that.

Sammy can do anything he wants with his trash.

Yes. I see today he's dressed it up in an apron.

I guess you know all about dressing up, huh, Hill?

Saa-am, if any more of your refuse

is deposited in my Dumpsters,

I'll have them emptied in the center of this bar,

and if it happens again,

I'll do something your customers will notice.

Can you believe that guy?

Him and his niggly little nit-picking details.

I mean, who cares if I stick stuff in his Dumpster?

Actually, Sammy, Dumpsters are kind of expensive

to maintain and empty.

He's been kind of generous to let you use them for so long.

After all, the guy's running a business.

Good point, Norm. Good point.

Speaking of business,

what do you think we ought to do about...

...your bar tab here?

We could throw it in our Dumpsters.

Hey, Miss Howe, Mr. Hill put a lock on the Dumpster.

What should I do with this?

Just set it down someplace.

All right.

Cliff ie, you want to pass me the sports page, please?

Mr. Peterson, that's just a bag of garbage you're talking to.

Come here, Woody.

Maybe if we all cut Cliff a little bit of slack,

he wouldn't be such a "bag of garbage," as you put it. Okay?

Can you believe that guy?

He stuck a padlock on our Dumpsters.

You know, just once, just once

I would like to do something to really stick it to him.

Sammy, forget about it.

You'll never beat that guy.

You're right. Who am I kidding?

I'm no match for that guy. He's too evil.

What am I thinking?

All this time, there's somebody in this bar

who's so mean, so nasty, so full of hate

that they could take on Hill in one second.

Boy, I don't know, Sam. I'm kind of busy right now.

What about Carla? She can be pretty mean.

That's a good idea, Woody. Good idea.

Carla, come here. I got a job for you.

Yeah, what do you want me to do?

I want you to get even for me.

I want you to take all your meanness,

all your nastiness,

and unleash it on that knobby-headed weasel

John Allen Hill.

You want I should make him cry?

That's perfect.

Yeah, make the little man cry.

Consider it done.

Yeah, right, now how are you gonna make him cry?

You don't think I can make somebody cry?

No, actually, I don't.

Maybe you're right.

Say, Rebecca...

When you were a little girl,

why did you stop riding that pony?

Was it because you got too fat?

Just too damn fat?

So damn fat, you broke the back of a horse?

What's the matter, Becs? Your eyes seem a little shiny.

It's just an allergy or something.

If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office.

You know, I really like Cheetos, but...

Orange fingers?

Yeah.

I hate that, too.

At home I use a great big spoon.

I'll try that.

What's this?

That's a flyer that Mr. Clavin wanted me to pass around to the customers.

Why didn't you?

Because it's a flyer that Mr. Clavin wanted me to pass around

to the customers. We've had trouble in that area before.

"Tune in tonight

to catch letter carrier Cliff Clavin

recreate the historic first mail delivery

on the Boston Post Road.

This is a proud moment for Cliff Clavin and every American."

Hey, it's right now. Let's tune in.

Oh, this is a great Barnaby Jones though.

It's the one where he goes undercover as a swinger

to solve a jewel heist.

Okay. Oh, we'll flip back and forth.

The crowd here at the Central Post Office

is waiting for letter carrier Clifford Clavin,

who we understand is an award-winning equestrian.

Mr. Clavin seems to be running late

and his whereabouts are currently unknown.

In other news, Governor...

- I hope everything's okay with Cliff ie. - So, Barnaby's a swinger?

Wait till you see him. He wears hip-huggers,

gold chains, platform shoes.

Cheers.

Oh, yeah, hang on just a second.

Hey, Mr. Peterson, it's Mr. Clavin.

Cliff ie, where are you?

I don't know, Norm. Somewhere in the combat zone.

Naked, naked, naked!

Hey, Norm, you gotta come and get me.

This horse has got a mind of its own.

Whoa!

It's amazing.

Cliff ie's in trouble.

I better go look for him.

Shoot. They never rerun this episode.

I don't think I've seen the ending of this one.

The jewels are in the dog's collar.

Oh. Thank you, Phil.

Gee, Carla, you were up there with Hill a long time. What happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, what'd you say to him?

Shut up and get out of my way,

you stupid, dirt-eating farm boy.

Ouch. I'd hate to be on the receiving end of that.

What is going on?

In this bar, I don't ask.

Now, apparently you're upset over something.

Or not. I don't know you that well.

Carla, now just relax and try to breathe.

Just breathe.

All right, now, is it out of your system?

All right, now talk to us.

Aah!

Carla! Carla! Whoa, whoa!

Carla, what has gotten into you?

First of all, you have to promise

to never repeat this to anybody.

I swear. That goes without saying.

Okay. I just did a really, really, really bad thing.

When I was up there with Hill, I just kind of lost control.

Ohh? You didn't break something really expensive, did you?

No, worse than that.

- Did you hurt him? - Worse!

Oh, no. Did he have a heart attack?

- No! Worse. - He's dead?

Oh, you guys, You don't get it.

I didn't kill him.

I slept with him.

Yikes.

You had sex with Hill?

John Allen Hill?

Upstairs John Allen Hill?

It was so crazy.

I marched into his office

and I started calling him bald and wrinkled,

and he started calling me short and ugly.

And before I knew it,

our clothes were off and we were insulting each other

against the filing cabinet.

But, Carla, I mean, he is-- He's...

You know what I call him?

The bullet.

Carla, I--I believe I understand what happened.

You two have a classic

attraction/repulsion relationship.

It's really a fairly common phenomenon.

People who are constantly at odds with one another

very often have rivers of passion raging between them,

until one day the banks overflow

in a torrent of unthinking, unreasonable emotion.

Plus the guy's practically a contortionist.

I can't believe I did this.

I betrayed Sam.

I went up there to take on his worst enemy,

and I ended up having a nooner with him.

Oh, I just hope Sammy doesn't find out about this.

Oh, Carla, you're going to have to face Sam sooner or later.

He's bound to find out.

Yeah, Lilith's right.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Okay... well, I'll just catch Sam tonight

when nobody else is around

and I'll tell him the truth.

I'll tell him that what happened with Hill was a one-time thing

and it will never happen again.

Unless... I accidentally catch a glimpse

of those... wiry, bantam legs of his.

Evening, everybody.

- Norm! - Norm!

Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin?

Not as well as the search for Mr. Doughnut.

I found him every couple of blocks.

Boy, poor Mr. Clavin. Who knows what happened to him?

I'm worried about him, really.

Why don't you give me the phone.

Check the hospitals or something, shouldn't I?

Mass general.

Hey, Normie, I got dish.

I'll call you back.

It's about Carla and that Hill upstairs.

Spill it. What?

- Eew. - Ha ha.

Hey, Frasier. Hey, Frasier.

You hear about Carla, huh?

Did I hear? Who do you think told Polo?

Wow. Carla and Hill.

I saw it coming.

You didn't have to be Kreskin.

Frasier,

I cannot believe that you revealed

what is essentially a professional confidence.

Sweetheart, did she pay you a dime?

No.

Then why are we having this discussion?

What's everybody talking about?

Woody, when Carla went upstairs to see Hill today,

she...

Well, they... did the deed.

You know what I mean?

I'm not following you, Dr. Crane.

Carla and Hill,

they rocked each other's world.

They thumped.

What?

They had sex!

Carla and Hill had sex!

What?

Come on, Sam, even I got it that time.

Carla?

Are you all happy now?

Your gossiping and rumor-mongering

is resulting in a possible rift between Carla and Sam.

Rather than allow her the time and space

to open up to Sam in her own good time,

you all have been behaving like a gaggle of fishwives.

Hey, you blabbed first, girl.

Sammy, I don't know what to tell you.

I-- I guess...

All the insults and the venom

and the blood hatred

just kind of turned us on.

It's the old story.

I guess so.

Oh, Sammy, I let you down.

I slept with the enemy.

Please forgive me.

- Please don't be angry. - No, I'm not angry.

It's just... well, the way I see it,

you let down the whole team.

It's like, you know, bottom of the ninth,

one out, runner on first,

you're up at bat.

Coach tells you to bunt.

Team expects you to bunt.

The runner on first expects you to bunt.

Fans expect you to bunt.

But instead of bunting,

you sleep with John Allen Hill!

Oh, God!

Hey, take it easy.

You're supposed to forgive me.

How can I forgive you? You slept with that evil little dwarf!

Is it my fault the guy is such a turn-on?

Oh, stop! Oh, yuck, yuck! Oh, God, stop!

Now, look, I have never once said anything

about anyone you have ever slept with.

Oh, right! What about Diane?

Every morning you'd threaten

to stick a hand grenade in her mouth and pull the pin!

You hated her!

I disapproved of her.

Come on, Carla, you hated her.

You hate everyone.

That's not fair!

Oh, right. I'm sorry. I forgot.

You don't hate John Allen Hill!

God!

That's it! Thanks a lot for your forgiveness!

I'm outta here.

Ohh.

I can't believe it. Ohh.

Oh, dear.

Sam?

What, Woody?

You're angry, aren't you?

Yeah, I am.

You're hurt. You're down.

You're confused, aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

Yeah. I was, too, the first time I made this mistake.

Just remember, the men's room

is the second door on the left.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Cliff ie, you're back.

You deliver that letter all right?

It took a little doing, but I finally delivered it.

It was three hours late.

You know, but it turns out

that the original letter was three weeks late,

so I was able to shave a little time off.

Where's Norm, Woods?

He's out looking for you.

Oh, boy.

I guess I better go find him.

Hey, look, it's that Cannon episode

where he dresses up as a pimp to save the runaway.

Norm's a big boy. He can take care of himself.

Naked, naked, naked!

Excuse me, I'm looking for a guy

wearing a funny costume, riding a horse.

Try the place two doors down.

Okay.

Freak.

Naked, naked, naked!

Coming.

Coming.

- Who is it? - Sam.

Hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

Fine, and you?

Fine.

So where are the kids?

How should I know? It's only 1:30.

I came to apologize.

I blew up. You gotta know

I didn't mean any of that stuff. It's just...

That Hill guy, man,

there's something about him

just makes me act crazy.

Ah, forget it.

I forgive you.

I know you didn't mean that stuff.

I just hope you can forgive me.

Oh, of course I can. Come on, you don't think

I'd let that stuff get in between us here.

You're my best friend.

Oh, Sammy, you're my best friend, too.

Oh, I know what it's like.

It was probably just one of those things, right?

Exactly. It was just one of those things.

Yeah. I've been thinking about this. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

Tomorrow morning I'm going up

and I'm gonna talk to Hill calmly

and ask him nicely if maybe

I could use the Dumpster until I can buy one for myself.

I swear to God I'll do it bright and early.

Well, not too early, Saa-am.

I have a feeling I may be in a little late.

Okay, so it was just two of those things.