All language subtitles for Cheers.S10E08.Where.Have.All.the.Floorboards.Gone.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

This never gets old.

Dr. Crane, can you
help me with something?

Of course, Woody.

You know, yesterday
was mine and Kelly's

third anniversary
of going steady,

and I gave her
a dinky key chain,

so she goes and gives me
this $300 camera.

So my problem is--

Say no more
about it, Woody.

If I were you,
I wouldn't let Kelly's fine present

cause you any guilt.

I mean, after all,
she comes from

a very privileged background,

while you're an unsophisticated
working man

with nary two dimes to rub together.

You know, these kinds of relationships
rarely make it through a third year.

Actually, I just wanted to know
how to work the automatic flash.

Now I just want
to go someplace and cry.

Frasier,

I've got to run.

I'm having my photograph taken

for a new ID badge at the lab.

Are you going to get
your hair done for that?

Why on earth should I?

Well, at least get the tension
on that bun checked.

I mean, if that baby goes,
we're all dead.

That hardly seems just,

coming from a woman
whose hair has never seen

a greasy pot
it couldn't scrub clean.

- My turn.
- I'm out of here.

Now, now. Girls, girls...

There's no reason
to insult each other,

no matter how on the nose
either of you might be.

Frasier,

do you think I should
change my hair?

You're asking me?

Just a second, dear.

Uh-oh.
I'm in big trouble.

If I tell her to change,

she'll assume that I'm disappointed
with the way she looks.

On the other hand,
if I say it's fine as it is,

she'll think I don't care.
You know, Lilith,

you should do with those
raven tresses

whatever pleases you,

because, my angel, if you're happy,
I'm happy.

- You're chicken.
- But happy.

For heaven's sake,
take a stand.

Just a second, dear.

She's going to the mat
on this one.

Why don't you just tell her
to get her hair changed.

Perhaps you're right.

You know, she probably wants
to change herself in some way,

but doesn't have
the confidence to just let go.

Lilith, I think
you should restyle.

You know, tell the truth,

there is a part of me
that would like to see

a little change
in your appearance.

Why?

Because you've secretly hated

the way I've looked
all these years,

and haven't had
the guts to tell me?

Just a second, dear.

Taxi!

That's exactly why
I never got married.

Oh, is that why, Cliff?

Yeah, that's why.

Morning, everybody.

- Norm!
- Hey, what's going on, Normie?

It's my birthday, Sammy.

Give me a beer,
stick a candle in it,

and I'll blow out my liver.

Hey, it's his birthday!
Did you hear that?

Happy birthday!

I just wanted the day
to come and go like any other day.

I think you can
pull that off.

Well, now, I mean,
despite the fact that

you don't want to make
a big fuss out of it,

we all chipped in
and got you something.

Now what is it that you want

more than anything else
in the world?

Another beer.

Close your eyes there,
Mr. Peterson.

Hey, hey.

Oh, God.

What could it be?

Let me see...

It's a beer!

Thanks, you guys.

Thank you.

Hey, I got you

a very, very special gift,
my friend.

More special
than a free beer?

- Yeah, come here.
- Is it a keg and a snorkel?

Stand right here.

Now I know what a big fan
of the Celtics you are, so...

here's your present.

Kevin McHale?

Sammy, I love the guy,

but I know where to draw the line.

No, no, no, no.

He's just delivering it.

Come on, Kevin.

Norm, Sammy tells me
what a big fan you are of the team,

so on behalf of myself
and the Celtics,

I'd like you to have
this team jacket.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, man, all right.
Look at this.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey...
Smile.

Sam, how do you work
the flash on this thing?

I got my hands full
here, what do you--

Oh!

All right.

What a birthday, huh?

A free beer,

a Celtics jacket
from Kevin McHale,

and Sammy wiping out my bar tab.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't say anything
about wiping out a bar tab.

Well, happy birthday to me.

Hey, Sammy, I came through
with that jacket for Norm.

Where's that autographed
Red Sox baseball you got for me?

Oh, right, right, right,
I'll be right back.

Is it almost ready?

Yeah. How many G's in Boggs?

Two.

Is that all?
It doesn't look right.

Hey.

Hey. Thank you, Sammy.
I'm going to use the phone,

- all right?
- Yeah, anytime, anytime.

- Normie.
- Yeah?

Even though I chipped in
for the beer with the guys,

I also got you another
special little gift.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, I did some research

on the historical
significance of birthdays.

Uncovered a lot
of interesting facts,

and...

...I'm not going
to share them with you.

Happy birthday, big guy.

Say, Kevin...

You know, my birthday's
coming up pretty soon.

Maybe you can come back
and deliver something for me.

Would you like
a jacket, too?

Yeah, right-- A jacket.

Well, guys...

I feel like I own
a little bit of Celtic history.

Some of my fondest
memories as a boy

are going down to the Garden,

being in the same building
as all my heroes,

sitting there next to my dad

as he ordered beer after beer
rom the vendor,

saying to myself,

"Someday, someday."

That's great.

Ah, the Garden--

The Garden's
perhaps the most famous

playing surface in all of sports.

- Yeah?
- Well, you know,

it's a little known fact

that that parquet floor is comprised
of 240 individual squares

held down by 2,860 bolts.

Ah, you're wrong
there.

It's 2,880 bolts.

And I got that
from a member of the bull gang,

the crew that works the floor.

Well, I'm very sorry, Norm,

but my source
is unimpeachable.

Yeah, who's that?

My ma.

Why don't we settle this
right now?

I'll call the Garden
and find out, huh?

Oh, yeah,
who are we supposed to talk to--

The guy in charge of bolts?

We got McHale here.

Why don't we just
ask him?

- Kevin?
- Yeah.

Tell this guy
how many bolts

there are in floor of the Garden,
please.

Well, I've never noticed any bolts
in that floor.

You know,
come to think of it,

I bet bird, parish--
I bet nobody knows

How many bolts
are in that floor, huh?

There's a game for you.

Hey, stop, stop,
stop, stop it!

Just turn around
and run the other way.

Well, what are you
talking about?

Oh, Kevin, I am warning you
because I love you.

Don't get caught up
in one of those conversations.

You'll end up
like those guys.

They never leave
their stools.

It's a disease,
and they're trying to hook you.

I knew this guy once
who was a respected psychiatrist.

It's too late for him.

But you can
still save yourself.

Come on.
Okay, yeah, yeah.

I got a game in an hour. I'd like
to talk about those bolts, you guys,

But I got to run.
Take care.

Thank God.

Hey, I tell you what, though,
if you multiply the number of bolts

by the number of squares
in that thing,

you'd be able to find out
how many bolts there were.

Oh, Lord,
take him now.

One minute to go
in the game...

Here we go!

Come on, guys.

Frasier...

I've just come
from the beauty salon.

I asked them to do something
a little different with my hair.

Then you actually
went through with it?

Oh, my darling,
I'm all anticipation.

I've never seen you out
without your by now trademark chignon.

Thus the change.

What do you think,
Frasier?

It's hard to say.

You're laughing.

I'm sorry, dear.
You're taking it all the wrong way.

You see, it was just the initial reaction
of seeing you different.

You know, now that I look
at it again, it's-- Ha ha ha!

Stop laughing.

You're hurting my feelings.

I'm sorry. Your what?

No, darling,
please, please.

Give me another chance.

Please. Another chance.

Please.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ten seconds to go.
The Celtics down by two.

McHale's got the ball.

He goes up!

He's in the clear!

Oh, no!
McHale blows the lay-up.

And that's the game,
and the Celtics lose.

Cleveland 102, Boston 100.

I've never seen Kevin
play that poorly before in my life.

What was he
doing out there?

I don't know, I mean, he wasn't
even looking at the other players.

He was just staring at the floor
and moving his lips.

I think he was counting
the bolts on the floor.

Oh, come on. He wouldn't do that
in the middle of a game.

Hey, look, they're going
to interview Kevin.

This is Glenn Ordway
on the floor of the Garden.

We're going to see
if we can catch Kevin McHale,

ask him a couple of questions

and find out exactly
what went wrong

out on the floor here tonight.

Here he comes right now.

Kevin, can I ask you
a couple of questions?

109, 110, 111, 112...

Now look
at what you've done.

You have ruined him.
You have ruined Kevin McHale!

You took the scoring machine,

one of Boston's greatest
living sports legends,

and turned him into...

...one of you.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

Cheers.

Yeah, Sammy, this is Kevin.

Hey, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin McHale.

- Kevin.
- Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Sammy,
boy, I'm having a rough night.

Yeah. Ooh, boy.
We caught the game.

Yeah, you really
stunk it up out there, huh?

Hey, I saw you pitch.

You're not entitled
to an opinion.

You know what it is, though?

It's those bolts. I tell you,
I can't get 'em out of my mind.

And I've called
the people all over town,

and no two people seem to have
the same answer.

Sammy,
it's driving me crazy.

Kevin, you got to take it easy with this.

I mean, bar trivia
can eat you up, pal.

Kevin, it's not too late.
Get help.

Honey, who's that?

Just the guys down at Cheers.

My motive, of course,
was to please Frasier,

but this evening after dinner,
he laughed so hard

cappuccino ran out
of his nose.

Rebecca, you're a friend.

Does this permanent
make my hair look utterly ridiculous?

Oh, not at all.

I think it's a delightful change.

So do I.

Damn that Frasier.
For a moment,

he had me believing
I was a laughing stock.

Thank you.

Don't mention it.
What are friends for?

How can you just
stand there staring at that hairdo

and not bust a gut laughing?

No problem.

Ow.

Hi, everybody.

Hey. Kevin.

How come you're not
in bed, man?

I couldn't sleep.

You got a big game tomorrow.

I don't care.

All I care about
are those bolts,

so I ran out and got a set
of blueprints to the Garden.

Find out how many bolts
there are in that floor right now.

Wait a minute,
now where did you get

blueprints this time of night?

I know somebody
down at City Hall.

Kind of a sports legend
in this town, huh?

Yeah, right.

Oh, hey. Gee, I'm sorry, kid,

but these are the blueprints

for the new Garden
that they're building.

Yeah, yeah, you see,
there should be a mailbox right there.

Oh, no.

Give me that phone. I hope
the mayor's still up. Give me that phone.

No, no, no, I don't think
you should do that, man.

- Don't do that.
- Sammy, I'm telling you right now,

I got to know.
I got to know.

I'm telling you, nothing,
I mean, nothing's going to stop me.

Kevin?

Good night, guys.

You guys should be
ashamed of yourselves.

You're like vampires.

Big-butted,
do-nothing vampires.

And now you're trying
to make Kevin one of your recruits.

Well, I say
it's got to stop.

I'm not going to let you
screw up his career.

Oh, come on,
lighten up, will ya?

It's just, Kevin's getting a little
carried away with bolts, that's all.

Yeah, sure, Sammy, today it's
how many bolts are in the floor.

Tomorrow they'll have him onto

"if the Brady Bunch
crashes in the Andes,

who's going to eat who first?"

Well, they'd probably eat the maid,
'cause she ain't kin.

Well, you know,
but if they're smart,

they'll ask her first
how she should best prepare herself.

Stop this!

All right,
so what do we do?

Well, we'll go down
to the Garden

and just count the bolts in the floor
so we can settle this thing

and get Kevin back on his game,
all right?

Well, how are we going
to get in there, Sam?

- Don't they lock the Garden at night?
- Woody, don't worry about those locks.

We can get past any one of them
with my trusty Swiss Army Knife.

Yeah, I got the big one
with the tweezer-toothpick combo.

That's a beauty,
Mr. Clavin.

Yeah, thanks, Woody.

Yeah, every soldier
in the Swiss Army owns one of these.

That's why nobody messes
with Switzerland.

Yeah, I'd rather run buck naked
through the neighborhood

than be without this baby.

Why is that always
the other option?

Whoa. Ho ho.

Are they on?

Yeah.

Look at this, huh?
Boston Garden.

I wake up this morning
thinking my life has no meaning,

and now
I'm standing here.

Yeah, it really, really kind of
clears things up, doesn't it, Norm?

Well, I'm still pretty sure
my life has no meaning,

but I'm standing here.

Every part of this place
is special to me.

- Yeah?
- Sacred.

It's holy, you know,
like a cathedral.

I'll rip a seat out

and throw it in the back
of my car, huh?

Hey, hey!

Stand back, get back.

Hey, Mr. Clavin,
I have a question.

Yeah, fire away there.

Well, how can they play
hockey in here? There's no ice.

Well, the ice is right
under the floor there, Wood.

It's under the floor right now?

Absolutely.

Why don't you pick one
of these things up.

Have a looksie. Here.
Use my Swiss Army Knife.

I don't know if anyone would mind
if we shot a few hoops.

Hey, where'd you get that?

Been in the trunk of my car
since the last time I was at the gym.

Let's run the floor.

All right, here we go.

When was the last time
you were at a gym?

I don't know, I used to go
to that one next door to Cheers.

There's no gym
next door to Cheers.

Yeah, there was. They tore it down,
they put up that bookstore.

There's no bookstore
there, either.

Oh, they tore that down,

they put the bank there.

The bank's been there
as long as I remember.

Well, there you go.

Wow.

Well, what have we here?

Looks like plywood.

Oh, great. Hey,

I can use the saw.

Oh, great,
somebody's coming.

Woody, put the floor back.

Come on, let's go.

Woody, come on. Hurry up.

What a day!

First Sammy gets me
Kevin McHale's jacket.

Then I get to sneak
around the Garden,

even look at the plywood
under the floor.

Now we're getting chased off
by security guards.

Ha ha!

I'm sorry, guys.

I've never had
a more beautiful day in my life.

Drinking alone?

No. Frasier asked
to meet me here today.

He probably wants
a few more boorish laughs

at my hair's expense.

Well, if it's any
consolation to you,

I think that look
does something for you.

Thank you.

I didn't say what.

Lilith...

Please don't speak.

I've behaved abominably.

You had the courage
to try something different

in order to please me,

and I've repaid you
with mockery,

which is unforgivable.

But I-- I hope
you can forgive me,

because I love you,
and I love your hair,

and no matter how you might change
your outer appearance,

you'll always be the most beautiful woman
in the world to me.

Oh, Frasier.

Thanks, Rebecca.

I'd better keep one.

There you go.

Kevin's playing a little
better tonight, huh?

Yeah, of course he is.
As soon as I told him

how many bolts
were in the floor,

- he just settled right into his game.
- Well, how could you tell him that?

We never had a chance
to count 'em.

Well, I just made up
a number, you know?

I figured he'll never
know the difference.

As long as it improves his game,
you know, what's the harm?

Hey.

Sam, I have a question.

Not now, Woody.
I'm watching the game here.

No. it's really important.

What?

Well, say a guy
removed the bolts

from a piece of floor
in a very important building--

Like, I don't know, say,
the Boston Garden.

And say a guard came
and he didn't have time

to put the bolts
back in the floor,

what would happen?

You didn't put the bolts back
in the floor, Woody?

Oh, I knew you'd guess it.

I should have just
been honest with you, Sam.

What should I do?

Ah, relax,
will you, Woody.

For crying out loud,
they got a crew there

to check on everything
before the game.

I'm sure they just found
the missing bolts

and replaced them.
I mean, even if they don't,

I mean, what are the odds of somebody
hitting that spot exactly, huh?

Bird passes to McHale.

McHale at mid-court stops short.

Oh, he's tripped
on something, he's down.

It looks like a piece of the floor
came up.

Bird's just looking at it.

Oh, no!

I really did it this time.

No, no, no, don't blame
yourself, Woody.

It's my fault.
It was my birthday,

I'm the one who got him
all interested in the bolts.

It's me who dragged us all out there

in the middle of the night
to go count bolts.

I mean, it's my fault.

It never wouldn't have happened
if I didn't have my Swiss Army Knife.

Guys, it was my fault.

I'm the one who took the bolts
out of the floor.

He's right, you know.

That's true.

Why are we being so hard
on ourselves?

Yeah, you heard him admit
that, didn't you?

You guys, you heard it?

Hey, Kevin,
how you feeling?

Not too good, Woody.
I don't know what happened out there.

I must look like an idiot.

It was my fault.

How could it be your fault?

I'm the clown
that slipped and fell.

You're right, you were.
You heard him, guys. Let's get out of here.

Listen, we have
a confession to make, Kevin.

We came over here
the other night to count the bolts.

We kind of got carried away,

and kind of took
some of the bolts out,

and then kind of forgot
to put 'em back in.

You mean to tell me
this really is your fault?

I'm afraid so.

Boy, that figures.
With you guys, that really figures.

Well, tell you what, though,

I just can't stay
too mad at you,

because you finally solved
that bolt question, you know.

We got another
confession to make.

We kind of never
got around to counting the bolts.

Wait a minute, wait,
you're trying to tell me

we still don't know how many bolts
there are in that floor?

Yeah, but what's the difference, man?
You played a great game.

Yeah, but what about
tomorrow's game?

- 1,217.
- No, hold on, I already counted that one.

One...

Two... Three...