Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

This never gets old.

Dr. Crane, can you help me with something?

Of course, Woody.

You know, yesterday was mine and Kelly's

third anniversary of going steady,

and I gave her a dinky key chain,

so she goes and gives me this $300 camera.

So my problem is--

Say no more about it, Woody.

If I were you, I wouldn't let Kelly's fine present

cause you any guilt.

I mean, after all, she comes from

a very privileged background,

while you're an unsophisticated working man

with nary two dimes to rub together.

You know, these kinds of relationships rarely make it through a third year.

Actually, I just wanted to know how to work the automatic flash.

Now I just want to go someplace and cry.

Frasier,

I've got to run.

I'm having my photograph taken

for a new ID badge at the lab.

Are you going to get your hair done for that?

Why on earth should I?

Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked.

I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead.

That hardly seems just,

coming from a woman whose hair has never seen

a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean.

- My turn. - I'm out of here.

Now, now. Girls, girls...

There's no reason to insult each other,

no matter how on the nose either of you might be.

Frasier,

do you think I should change my hair?

You're asking me?

Just a second, dear.

Uh-oh. I'm in big trouble.

If I tell her to change,

she'll assume that I'm disappointed with the way she looks.

On the other hand, if I say it's fine as it is,

she'll think I don't care. You know, Lilith,

you should do with those raven tresses

whatever pleases you,

because, my angel, if you're happy, I'm happy.

- You're chicken. - But happy.

For heaven's sake, take a stand.

Just a second, dear.

She's going to the mat on this one.

Why don't you just tell her to get her hair changed.

Perhaps you're right.

You know, she probably wants to change herself in some way,

but doesn't have the confidence to just let go.

Lilith, I think you should restyle.

You know, tell the truth,

there is a part of me that would like to see

a little change in your appearance.

Why?

Because you've secretly hated

the way I've looked all these years,

and haven't had the guts to tell me?

Just a second, dear.

Taxi!

That's exactly why I never got married.

Oh, is that why, Cliff?

Yeah, that's why.

Morning, everybody.

- Norm! - Hey, what's going on, Normie?

It's my birthday, Sammy.

Give me a beer, stick a candle in it,

and I'll blow out my liver.

Hey, it's his birthday! Did you hear that?

Happy birthday!

I just wanted the day to come and go like any other day.

I think you can pull that off.

Well, now, I mean, despite the fact that

you don't want to make a big fuss out of it,

we all chipped in and got you something.

Now what is it that you want

more than anything else in the world?

Another beer.

Close your eyes there, Mr. Peterson.

Hey, hey.

Oh, God.

What could it be?

Let me see...

It's a beer!

Thanks, you guys.

Thank you.

Hey, I got you

a very, very special gift, my friend.

More special than a free beer?

- Yeah, come here. - Is it a keg and a snorkel?

Stand right here.

Now I know what a big fan of the Celtics you are, so...

here's your present.

Kevin McHale?

Sammy, I love the guy,

but I know where to draw the line.

No, no, no, no.

He's just delivering it.

Come on, Kevin.

Norm, Sammy tells me what a big fan you are of the team,

so on behalf of myself and the Celtics,

I'd like you to have this team jacket.

Happy birthday.

Thanks, man, all right. Look at this.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey... Smile.

Sam, how do you work the flash on this thing?

I got my hands full here, what do you--

Oh!

All right.

What a birthday, huh?

A free beer,

a Celtics jacket from Kevin McHale,

and Sammy wiping out my bar tab.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't say anything about wiping out a bar tab.

Well, happy birthday to me.

Hey, Sammy, I came through with that jacket for Norm.

Where's that autographed Red Sox baseball you got for me?

Oh, right, right, right, I'll be right back.

Is it almost ready?

Yeah. How many G's in Boggs?

Two.

Is that all? It doesn't look right.

Hey.

Hey. Thank you, Sammy. I'm going to use the phone,

- all right? - Yeah, anytime, anytime.

- Normie. - Yeah?

Even though I chipped in for the beer with the guys,

I also got you another special little gift.

Yeah? What's that?

Well, I did some research

on the historical significance of birthdays.

Uncovered a lot of interesting facts,

and...

...I'm not going to share them with you.

Happy birthday, big guy.

Say, Kevin...

You know, my birthday's coming up pretty soon.

Maybe you can come back and deliver something for me.

Would you like a jacket, too?

Yeah, right-- A jacket.

Well, guys...

I feel like I own a little bit of Celtic history.

Some of my fondest memories as a boy

are going down to the Garden,

being in the same building as all my heroes,

sitting there next to my dad

as he ordered beer after beer rom the vendor,

saying to myself,

"Someday, someday."

That's great.

Ah, the Garden--

The Garden's perhaps the most famous

playing surface in all of sports.

- Yeah? - Well, you know,

it's a little known fact

that that parquet floor is comprised of 240 individual squares

held down by 2,860 bolts.

Ah, you're wrong there.

It's 2,880 bolts.

And I got that from a member of the bull gang,

the crew that works the floor.

Well, I'm very sorry, Norm,

but my source is unimpeachable.

Yeah, who's that?

My ma.

Why don't we settle this right now?

I'll call the Garden and find out, huh?

Oh, yeah, who are we supposed to talk to--

The guy in charge of bolts?

We got McHale here.

Why don't we just ask him?

- Kevin? - Yeah.

Tell this guy how many bolts

there are in floor of the Garden, please.

Well, I've never noticed any bolts in that floor.

You know, come to think of it,

I bet bird, parish-- I bet nobody knows

How many bolts are in that floor, huh?

There's a game for you.

Hey, stop, stop, stop, stop it!

Just turn around and run the other way.

Well, what are you talking about?

Oh, Kevin, I am warning you because I love you.

Don't get caught up in one of those conversations.

You'll end up like those guys.

They never leave their stools.

It's a disease, and they're trying to hook you.

I knew this guy once who was a respected psychiatrist.

It's too late for him.

But you can still save yourself.

Come on. Okay, yeah, yeah.

I got a game in an hour. I'd like to talk about those bolts, you guys,

But I got to run. Take care.

Thank God.

Hey, I tell you what, though, if you multiply the number of bolts

by the number of squares in that thing,

you'd be able to find out how many bolts there were.

Oh, Lord, take him now.

One minute to go in the game...

Here we go!

Come on, guys.

Frasier...

I've just come from the beauty salon.

I asked them to do something a little different with my hair.

Then you actually went through with it?

Oh, my darling, I'm all anticipation.

I've never seen you out without your by now trademark chignon.

Thus the change.

What do you think, Frasier?

It's hard to say.

You're laughing.

I'm sorry, dear. You're taking it all the wrong way.

You see, it was just the initial reaction of seeing you different.

You know, now that I look at it again, it's-- Ha ha ha!

Stop laughing.

You're hurting my feelings.

I'm sorry. Your what?

No, darling, please, please.

Give me another chance.

Please. Another chance.

Please.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ten seconds to go. The Celtics down by two.

McHale's got the ball.

He goes up!

He's in the clear!

Oh, no! McHale blows the lay-up.

And that's the game, and the Celtics lose.

Cleveland 102, Boston 100.

I've never seen Kevin play that poorly before in my life.

What was he doing out there?

I don't know, I mean, he wasn't even looking at the other players.

He was just staring at the floor and moving his lips.

I think he was counting the bolts on the floor.

Oh, come on. He wouldn't do that in the middle of a game.

Hey, look, they're going to interview Kevin.

This is Glenn Ordway on the floor of the Garden.

We're going to see if we can catch Kevin McHale,

ask him a couple of questions

and find out exactly what went wrong

out on the floor here tonight.

Here he comes right now.

Kevin, can I ask you a couple of questions?

109, 110, 111, 112...

Now look at what you've done.

You have ruined him. You have ruined Kevin McHale!

You took the scoring machine,

one of Boston's greatest living sports legends,

and turned him into...

...one of you.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

Cheers.

Yeah, Sammy, this is Kevin.

Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin McHale.

- Kevin. - Hey, Kevin.

Hey, Sammy, boy, I'm having a rough night.

Yeah. Ooh, boy. We caught the game.

Yeah, you really stunk it up out there, huh?

Hey, I saw you pitch.

You're not entitled to an opinion.

You know what it is, though?

It's those bolts. I tell you, I can't get 'em out of my mind.

And I've called the people all over town,

and no two people seem to have the same answer.

Sammy, it's driving me crazy.

Kevin, you got to take it easy with this.

I mean, bar trivia can eat you up, pal.

Kevin, it's not too late. Get help.

Honey, who's that?

Just the guys down at Cheers.

My motive, of course, was to please Frasier,

but this evening after dinner, he laughed so hard

cappuccino ran out of his nose.

Rebecca, you're a friend.

Does this permanent make my hair look utterly ridiculous?

Oh, not at all.

I think it's a delightful change.

So do I.

Damn that Frasier. For a moment,

he had me believing I was a laughing stock.

Thank you.

Don't mention it. What are friends for?

How can you just stand there staring at that hairdo

and not bust a gut laughing?

No problem.

Ow.

Hi, everybody.

Hey. Kevin.

How come you're not in bed, man?

I couldn't sleep.

You got a big game tomorrow.

I don't care.

All I care about are those bolts,

so I ran out and got a set of blueprints to the Garden.

Find out how many bolts there are in that floor right now.

Wait a minute, now where did you get

blueprints this time of night?

I know somebody down at City Hall.

Kind of a sports legend in this town, huh?

Yeah, right.

Oh, hey. Gee, I'm sorry, kid,

but these are the blueprints

for the new Garden that they're building.

Yeah, yeah, you see, there should be a mailbox right there.

Oh, no.

Give me that phone. I hope the mayor's still up. Give me that phone.

No, no, no, I don't think you should do that, man.

- Don't do that. - Sammy, I'm telling you right now,

I got to know. I got to know.

I'm telling you, nothing, I mean, nothing's going to stop me.

Kevin?

Good night, guys.

You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.

You're like vampires.

Big-butted, do-nothing vampires.

And now you're trying to make Kevin one of your recruits.

Well, I say it's got to stop.

I'm not going to let you screw up his career.

Oh, come on, lighten up, will ya?

It's just, Kevin's getting a little carried away with bolts, that's all.

Yeah, sure, Sammy, today it's how many bolts are in the floor.

Tomorrow they'll have him onto

"if the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes,

who's going to eat who first?"

Well, they'd probably eat the maid, 'cause she ain't kin.

Well, you know, but if they're smart,

they'll ask her first how she should best prepare herself.

Stop this!

All right, so what do we do?

Well, we'll go down to the Garden

and just count the bolts in the floor so we can settle this thing

and get Kevin back on his game, all right?

Well, how are we going to get in there, Sam?

- Don't they lock the Garden at night? - Woody, don't worry about those locks.

We can get past any one of them with my trusty Swiss Army Knife.

Yeah, I got the big one with the tweezer-toothpick combo.

That's a beauty, Mr. Clavin.

Yeah, thanks, Woody.

Yeah, every soldier in the Swiss Army owns one of these.

That's why nobody messes with Switzerland.

Yeah, I'd rather run buck naked through the neighborhood

than be without this baby.

Why is that always the other option?

Whoa. Ho ho.

Are they on?

Yeah.

Look at this, huh? Boston Garden.

I wake up this morning thinking my life has no meaning,

and now I'm standing here.

Yeah, it really, really kind of clears things up, doesn't it, Norm?

Well, I'm still pretty sure my life has no meaning,

but I'm standing here.

Every part of this place is special to me.

- Yeah? - Sacred.

It's holy, you know, like a cathedral.

I'll rip a seat out

and throw it in the back of my car, huh?

Hey, hey!

Stand back, get back.

Hey, Mr. Clavin, I have a question.

Yeah, fire away there.

Well, how can they play hockey in here? There's no ice.

Well, the ice is right under the floor there, Wood.

It's under the floor right now?

Absolutely.

Why don't you pick one of these things up.

Have a looksie. Here. Use my Swiss Army Knife.

I don't know if anyone would mind if we shot a few hoops.

Hey, where'd you get that?

Been in the trunk of my car since the last time I was at the gym.

Let's run the floor.

All right, here we go.

When was the last time you were at a gym?

I don't know, I used to go to that one next door to Cheers.

There's no gym next door to Cheers.

Yeah, there was. They tore it down, they put up that bookstore.

There's no bookstore there, either.

Oh, they tore that down,

they put the bank there.

The bank's been there as long as I remember.

Well, there you go.

Wow.

Well, what have we here?

Looks like plywood.

Oh, great. Hey,

I can use the saw.

Oh, great, somebody's coming.

Woody, put the floor back.

Come on, let's go.

Woody, come on. Hurry up.

What a day!

First Sammy gets me Kevin McHale's jacket.

Then I get to sneak around the Garden,

even look at the plywood under the floor.

Now we're getting chased off by security guards.

Ha ha!

I'm sorry, guys.

I've never had a more beautiful day in my life.

Drinking alone?

No. Frasier asked to meet me here today.

He probably wants a few more boorish laughs

at my hair's expense.

Well, if it's any consolation to you,

I think that look does something for you.

Thank you.

I didn't say what.

Lilith...

Please don't speak.

I've behaved abominably.

You had the courage to try something different

in order to please me,

and I've repaid you with mockery,

which is unforgivable.

But I-- I hope you can forgive me,

because I love you, and I love your hair,

and no matter how you might change your outer appearance,

you'll always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

Oh, Frasier.

Thanks, Rebecca.

I'd better keep one.

There you go.

Kevin's playing a little better tonight, huh?

Yeah, of course he is. As soon as I told him

how many bolts were in the floor,

- he just settled right into his game. - Well, how could you tell him that?

We never had a chance to count 'em.

Well, I just made up a number, you know?

I figured he'll never know the difference.

As long as it improves his game, you know, what's the harm?

Hey.

Sam, I have a question.

Not now, Woody. I'm watching the game here.

No. it's really important.

What?

Well, say a guy removed the bolts

from a piece of floor in a very important building--

Like, I don't know, say, the Boston Garden.

And say a guard came and he didn't have time

to put the bolts back in the floor,

what would happen?

You didn't put the bolts back in the floor, Woody?

Oh, I knew you'd guess it.

I should have just been honest with you, Sam.

What should I do?

Ah, relax, will you, Woody.

For crying out loud, they got a crew there

to check on everything before the game.

I'm sure they just found the missing bolts

and replaced them. I mean, even if they don't,

I mean, what are the odds of somebody hitting that spot exactly, huh?

Bird passes to McHale.

McHale at mid-court stops short.

Oh, he's tripped on something, he's down.

It looks like a piece of the floor came up.

Bird's just looking at it.

Oh, no!

I really did it this time.

No, no, no, don't blame yourself, Woody.

It's my fault. It was my birthday,

I'm the one who got him all interested in the bolts.

It's me who dragged us all out there

in the middle of the night to go count bolts.

I mean, it's my fault.

It never wouldn't have happened if I didn't have my Swiss Army Knife.

Guys, it was my fault.

I'm the one who took the bolts out of the floor.

He's right, you know.

That's true.

Why are we being so hard on ourselves?

Yeah, you heard him admit that, didn't you?

You guys, you heard it?

Hey, Kevin, how you feeling?

Not too good, Woody. I don't know what happened out there.

I must look like an idiot.

It was my fault.

How could it be your fault?

I'm the clown that slipped and fell.

You're right, you were. You heard him, guys. Let's get out of here.

Listen, we have a confession to make, Kevin.

We came over here the other night to count the bolts.

We kind of got carried away,

and kind of took some of the bolts out,

and then kind of forgot to put 'em back in.

You mean to tell me this really is your fault?

I'm afraid so.

Boy, that figures. With you guys, that really figures.

Well, tell you what, though,

I just can't stay too mad at you,

because you finally solved that bolt question, you know.

We got another confession to make.

We kind of never got around to counting the bolts.

Wait a minute, wait, you're trying to tell me

we still don't know how many bolts there are in that floor?

Yeah, but what's the difference, man? You played a great game.

Yeah, but what about tomorrow's game?

- 1,217. - No, hold on, I already counted that one.

One...

Two... Three...