Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hey, Miss Howe, I was over at the magic shop today,

and look what I got for Halloween. Aah!

It's the old bloody thumb.

Ick.

You just hide it somewhere

and then get ready for the fun.

This was a Halloween night tradition

around our house.

Woody, please don't tell me how that got started.

I thought we could use it tonight

to scare the guys from Gary's Olde Towne Tavern.

Woody, it's not scary, it's gross.

That's 'cause you haven't seen it in action.

I'll try it out on Mr. Peterson.

Wood, can I have a refill?

Sure thing, Mr. P. Way ahead of you.

All right. Yuck.

What the hell is that?

The old bloody thumb.

Didn't it scare you?

No. Actually, it was really more gross than anything else.

Told ya.

Here's another beer, Norm.

Oh, thank you, Rebecca.

Thank you, Woody.

All clear in the back, Sammy.

Yep, Same in the office and the basement.

All right, everybody, let's try and stay ready for them.

Ten-four, Sam.

Listen to you people.

Every Halloween, you go on this ridiculous alert,

waiting for Gary and the deadbeats

from his bar to come over here and scare you.

I mean, you're tense all day, you're checking under the tables.

You're even afraid to go to the bathroom.

Well, we go upstairs to Melville's.

Hey, it's once a year.

Well, I think you guys should just call it off.

I mean, I think it's really childish.

Excuse me? Childish?

Sweetheart, this is bar versus bar.

We will use any weapon available to us.

Water balloons, stink bombs, whoopee cushions,

and fake vomit.

Yes, fake vomit.

Now, how childish is it?

Remember last year, we sent Cliff ie over there

wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos?

Those people were screaming like banshees.

Well, I was making a scary face.

- Hey, Sam, I'm back. - Oh, look.

A bumpkin with a pumpkin.

Yeah, it's from my building's roof garden.

I entered this contest the local merchants are throwing

for the best jack-o'-lantern.

First prize is a cruise around Boston Harbor.

They say it's three hours you'll never forget.

Especially if it's low tide.

Woody, it's hard to believe you grew such a hardy specimen in the city.

Oh, yeah. The trick is to give it lots of care.

I took a seed from last year's pumpkin,

planted it, and watched over it like a daddy.

I'd even lie in bed at night thinking, "I wonder how the pumpkin's doing."

Pruned it, weeded it, checked the soil.

I even talked to it.

I think they like that.

Arrgh!

Farm boys love their Halloween!

I always hated this night.

Why?

When I was a kid, my folks used to move around so much

that they never really got to know the neighbors, so they didn't trust them.

So when all the other little kids had their costumes on

and they were trick-or-treating, all I was allowed to do

was stand at our front door and pass out candies.

I could hardly wait till I was an adult

So I could enjoy Halloween, you know,

and not spend all my time serving everybody else.

Wow, that's too bad.

Would you pass those pretzels, please?

God!

I sympathize with Rebecca's parents.

I, for one, will not allow my child to go

trick-or-treating through the dangerous city streets.

What luck. I got the last Spider-man costume for Frederick.

And look what he can use for webs.

Frasier, we need to have a discussion.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me,

you have a thing against Halloween, too.

I don't have a thing against Halloween.

I just don't want my child panhandling door-to-door,

accepting non-nutritious snacks from strangers,

dressed in a silly costume.

Darling, that is Halloween.

Oh.

Well, then I guess I do have a thing against it.

I got an idea. Why don't you bring the little fella by the bar?

We can, you know, set up candy here and stuff. It'll be fun.

Well... I suppose if it's an environment

which we know and trust, that would be all right.

- I am not serving the little punk, Sam. - I know. It's all right.

Do me a favor, will you? Take this over to table ten?

Sure, I will--

God!

Hey, that's not "Funky Town"!

Do it, yeah

Turn it down, will you? It's too loud!

I can't stop it, Sam!

It doesn't turn off!

Just unplug the damn thing.

I flew with a bat to the cemetery

That's where it's at

The tombstones were shakin' to a crazy beat

And the mummified mummies jumped to their feet

The ghouls and goblins just dying to dance--

Gary.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, that's it, man.

I'm calling Gary, and I'm telling him

the payback is on its way--

He did the vampire

Hey!

They did the twist--

Yeah--

Do it with--

He's good.

You know, this is just the beginning.

He is gonna be doing this all day long.

We're gonna have to think of something to really get back at him.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

You know, something that'll make him wish he was never born.

Something so horrible that he'll never set foot in this bar again.

All right! What are we gonna do?

Soap his windows!

You're going for, like, a mild irritation sort of thing?

Oh, all right. You know, that was just my first idea.

All right.

What? what?

What have you got?

Yeah! All right!

We have a lot of Chinese food delivered to Gary's.

And not Moo Shu, just the stuff no one likes.

Yeah?

And then, you know,

he'll have to pay for it and stuff.

Sammy, we got to think of something really good.

I mean, just for once, I'd like to be on the winning end of a great scam.

Well, just in case,

this morning, I happened to put on my Speedos.

- No! - No!

Hey, Malone, I'd like to talk to you for a second.

- Boo! Boo! - Go on!

Oh, and I'm really, really sorry about this jukebox.

That was the vintage one, wasn't it?

Here, oh, I feel awful.

Let me make it up to you.

- Don't even-- - Do it with me!

You're good.

Yes, I know.

Here, I'd like to give you a blank check.

Whatever the damage is, just write it in.

And I'd also like to call off all the pranks for tonight.

What's going on here?

Well, I went to my doctor today.

He says I have abnormally high blood pressure.

I'm 225 over 90.

Yeah, he also said if I don't start taking it easy soon,

I could end up a lot worse, so you see,

that's why we got to call off everything for tonight.

So this is not one of your pranks?

No, no, Sam. I'm on the level here, okay?

I'm really sorry about everything, guys.

A round of beers on me, okay?

Just add it to the check, Sam, all right?

Whoa, what are you talking about? Hey.

Come on, listen, your health's a lot more important

than a bunch of silly pranks.

Wow. You're really a great guy, Sam.

Look, I got to go. My wife's waiting in the car for me.

She's going to take me home.

Oh, ho ho! We're going after him tonight!

Sam, he just told you he's sick.

Ha ha ha!

She fell for that.

"High blood pressure.

My wife's in the car waiting for me."

Honey, don't you see what he's trying to do?

He's getting me to lower my guard.

Oh, this is good. All we got to figure out now

is something that'll really spook him tonight.

- Yeah. - Well, Sam,

how about using the old bloody thumb? That's pretty scary.

Come on, man. Forget the old bloody thumb.

No chump would fall for that.

Oh, jeez!

Helps to have the right chump.

Maybe you gentlemen should be thinking along the lines of high tech.

What do you mean?

Well, a hologram.

You project a three-dimensional translucent image

of some ghoulish apparition right into Gary's,

thereby scaring the bejesus out of him.

Where'd you get that idea?

Well, actually, Lilith and her physics friends

pulled it on me last year.

I must've pulled out five fistfuls of hair.

Hee hee hee.

So what do you say, guys? Hologram?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hologram. Hologram.

Hologram! Hologram!

Trick or treat, everyone!

Well, rather than let Freddy have all the fun,

we decided to get dressed up, too.

Who are you guys supposed to be?

See, Frasier? I told you they wouldn't know.

Well, I'm Dante Gabriel Rossetti!

And I'm his sister, Christina.

The Rossettis are our favorite figures

from the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood.

Oh, yeah,

the Pre-Raphaelites.

Yeah, a group of 19th-century artists and writers

who held an almost childlike submission to nature.

That's very good, Cliff. How would you ever come to know that?

I came across it at the library.

Yeah, going through art books looking for paintings of naked babes, right?

They really liked them fat back then, didn't they?

Freddy is, of course, bedecked in the garb

of superhero crime fighter, Spider-man.

Interestingly,

Spider-man acquired his supernatural powers

from the bite of a radioactive spider.

I tried to explain to Frederick what would happen if one

were really bitten by a radioactive spider,

but he just cried.

Okay, Freddy, time for trick or treat.

Trick or treat, lady.

Here we go. Oh, thank you, thank you.

Hey, mister, trick or treat.

Thank you very much. You see that?

Oh, look.

I'd like to tell you something, young man.

I don't know if you realize how lucky you are that your parents

let you partake in the better things of childhood.

You know, I never got to trick or treat.

I always had to hand out the candy.

Nobody ever gave me any candy.

Look at that.

Good boy, Freddy.

Thank you.

This is the first time anybody ever gave me anything.

Thank you, Frederick.

Kid's got a bag full of Snickers

and he gives me a Tootsie Pop.

Oh, boy, do we have a surprise for Gary.

Those physics guys set up the whole thing.

The hologram's incredible.

What macabre specter will they be projecting?

Carla's disembodied head floating over the bar.

Scary, isn't it?

What would you do if you saw Carla's disembodied head

floating over the bar?

What I always do. Call a cab and go home.

Oh, my Lord!

That would scare even the most hardiest soul.

Whoa.

It's like being in a haunted house, isn't it?

A haunted house with free taps.

I can't wait for Gary to see this.

He's going to really freak out.

Oh. Here he is now.

Whoa. He was so scared he passed out.

Gee, I wonder what we should do.

Well, I think the responsible thing to do

would be to bring him to and then run.

Hey, guys?

What if that blood pressure stuff was true?

I mean, that could be dangerous.

Oh, come on. Give me a break. He was faking.

He's probably faking now.

Come on, Gary, get up.

I don't think he can, Sam. I don't feel a pulse.

Oh, come on, you got to be kidding.

No, Sam.

Gary's dead.

Good morning.

Morning, Sam. It's a dark day.

Oh, come on, you don't really believe

that Gary's dead, do you?

Do you?

I beg your pardon.

You were there. You saw with your own eyes what happened.

This is Gary we're talking about.

You can't trust him, ever.

He's pulling a stunt.

The police and the coroner confirmed it, Sam.

He could've hired them to trick us.

Sam...

I realize that Gary's death is very traumatic for you.

You're obviously in denial.

No, I am not.

I can't believe you guys.

I'll tell you what, I'll believe he's dead as soon as they bury him.

Gary's funeral is at 2:00 this afternoon.

This is a good one. This is a good one.

Life is so unfair.

Yes, Woody, very often we feel that way

when someone close to us passes on.

I'm talking about the pumpkin carving contest.

I mean, it had to be fixed.

You should've seen the winner.

Teeth going every which way,

uneven eyes, stupid nose.

You should've seen this kid's pumpkin.

Sam... Morning.

I'm Matt, the bartender from over at Gary's.

Yeah?

We're all kind of in shock, but I thought I should come by

and give you something from Gary.

This is good. Watch this one.

Oh, the bowling trophy.

Gary's prized possession.

Gary came back from seeing you yesterday, Sam,

all he could talk about was how concerned you were over his condition.

He was pretty touched that after all this time of being rivals,

when it counted most, you really cared about him.

Wow.

That is so sweet and so sad.

Oh, come on! Give me a break!

The guy is probably hanging out around here someplace.

Hey! What, are you up at Melville's, Gary? Come on down!

- Ha ha! - Wow.

You are cold, man.

I was gonna ask you for a job, but forget it now.

Now, he's good. He is really good.

Sam, stop it. The game is over.

A man is dead.

You know, it's getting a little bit embarrassing.

Time for you to face the fact that Gary is dead,

that you had a hand in his death. We all did.

That's the end of it!

Yeah, maybe you're right.

All right, I admit it.

Wah, wah, he's dead.

Come on, you guys! He's bluffing!

I wonder how far he's really gonna take this thing.

I'll bet he's not even in there.

Okay, so he's in there.

I still think it's a trick.

If he wants to stay in there and suffocate,

fine with me. It's his funeral.

Oh!

Sam, we'd like you to be a pallbearer.

Come on, why me? I mean, Gary hated me.

It's a shame you never knew how much he thought of you, Sam.

He thrived on your competition.

You brought him life.

Then you took it away.

I don't want to be a pallbearer.

Sam, it's the least you could do.

Oh, oh, I know what he's gonna do.

All right, we're walking along here,

all of a sudden the coffin opens up,

he reaches out, and grabs my hand. Yeah, right?

Ooh, ooh! I'm scared, yeah.

Come on, Gar, I got ya!

Come on, open up! Hello!

Come on out, Gary!

Come on, Gary. Enough's enough.

It's getting chilly out here.

Sammy? Come on.

- The funeral's been over for hours. - No, no. You don't understand.

See, that's the whole thing about practical jokes, the timing.

I know this. I've done this a thousand times before.

As a matter of fact, if I don't miss my guess,

he'll be coming out...

Right about... now.

Right about now.

Come on! You're milking it, Gary! Get out of there!

I don't think he's coming out, Sam.

Yeah? Well, then I'm-- I'm digging him out!

Come on, Gary! Come on!

No, you don't understand, this is a stunt!

No, come on! You hear him laughing! I hear you!

You're laughing! I know that!

Okay, Gary, I'm back.

You-- You can come out and scare me now.

Oh, Sam, he's not here.

Oh, my God...

What if he's really dead?

The thought has occurred to me, Sam.

He's gone.

He's really gone.

Gary had to go out of his way to prove it to you,

but, yes, Sam, he's gone.

Feel like I've lost my best friend.

Having Gary around was, like, the one thing

that always seemed to pull us together as a group.

Yeah, Gary really brought out the best in us, huh?

No, Cliff ie, he brought out the worst in us.

He will be missed.

Boy, I tell you, I've done a lot of things that I regret,

but I'll never be able to make up for this one.

You know, maybe it's time I stopped acting like an overgrown child.

I mean, a man is dead because I did not have

the maturity to know when to stop.

Never thought I'd say this, but

I miss Gary. he's a true friend.

That would've made a better eulogy

than, "get out of there, Gary."

I feel so empty.

Excuse me.

Woody, come-- Come back here.

Aw, come on, Woody.

God, it's all my fault.

Hey, Woody? Come on, man.

You don't want to cry by yourself in there.

Come on. Come on, man.

Come on, listen. Hey, hey, listen to me.

We all feel bad.

Do you, Malone?

Do you really?

Aah!

Trick or treat!

You-- You were all in this together?

Hey, the whole city of Boston was in on this one, Sam.

Come on, you're supposed to be on my side.

But it was really funny, Sam.

Yeah, but you're my pal, man. Come on.

It was really, really funny, Sam.

Sammy, I told you. I told you I wanted to be

on the winning end of a great scam.

That was a clue.

But you never really gave that Chinese food thing a chance.

Hey, too bad you can't get back at me, Malone,

but you're a big boy now.

You don't wanna play pretend

'cause people could get hurt!

Whoops!

This, I believe, is mine.

Oh, wait! Hey! The game is not over, Gary!

Hey, listen, I'm gonna find something to scare you!

I swear to God I am!

Here, use this, Sam.

Ooh, yeah, yeah!

Bloody thumb! Bloody thumb!

Ooh! Ooh!