Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Got no diamonds got no pearls

Still I think I'm a lucky girl

I got the sun in the morning

And the moon at night

Da da da da da da da da da da da da

Got no mansions got no yacht

Still I'm happy with what I got

I got the sun in the morning

And the moon at night

Sunshine

Gives me a lovely day

Moonlight

Gives me a milky way

Got no checkbooks got no blanks

Still I'd like to express my thanks

I got the sun in the morning

And the moon at night

I'm with the sun in the morning

And the moon in the evening

I'm...

Good morning, Carla.

What's so good about it?

Oh, hey, Woody, here's my video camera.

Wow.

Looks kind of complicated.

That's just the case Woody.

Uh oh!

No Woody, it's not as complicated as it looks. Have a look.

- I'll talk you through it. - Uh oh.

What are you doing Woods?

Oh well, I want Kelly to meet my parents

and I can't afford to fly her out there,

so I figure what better way to introduce her to my parents in person

than on tape?

Don't forget Woody to set your white balance.

What's that?

Wee, the tape might be a little tinted,

so you got to balance it out

by pointing the lens at a flat white surface.

Hey, Lilith, we were just talking about you.

Carla, I'm long past caring

what anyone in this bar has to say about me.

What did they say?

I'm the one who is going to be all bloated.

I'm the one who's going to gain all the weight

and be up all night while eating ice cream and pickles

and I'm going to be the one who's vomiting all morning.

Try doing that with Vera standing over you saying,

"You got to clean up your act, Mister."

Can you believe this?

I'm not even pregnant,

yet, he's insisting that the child have his last name.

Just give me one good reason why his me can be Howe.

How about this? Howe's a stupid name.

Excuse me?

Come on, it's not even a name. It's more of a question.

Rebecca Howe, Rebecca why, Rebecca who and when.

You know I can make fun of your name, too.

Oh yeah?

Malone!

Malone!

All right. I'm not very good at it yet.

Oh, really? Howe surprising.

Howe remarkable.

Knock it off.

Come on, when you were a kid, admit it,

didn't people make fun of your name?

Yes, but that was in the context of making fun of many other things.

And what makes your name so special?

I'll tell you why,

because Malone is a very proud, old Irish name.

When my great-grandfather came from County Cork to this city,

they actually had signs in some of the windows that said,

"No Irish need apply."

His friends told him to change his name to Smith or something,

but he wouldn't do it.

He was proud of his name.

And when we have a kid,

I want him to be proud of his name, too. There.

Is that reason enough for you?

No.

Sam, you wouldn't have these problems

if you just made an honest woman out of Miss Howe.

What are you talking about, Woody?

Well, back in Hanover, we have this little tradition.

It's called marriage.

It's to avoid another little tradition

called hellfire.

Woody, come on, man.

This is the nineties.

You know, plenty of people have babies without being married.

Oh what, you got a problem with that?

Well, if you want the truth,

I do think it's a little irresponsible.

And remember, this is coming from Norm Peterson.

I can't believe this.

You guys feel the same way?

I kinda do.

Me, too.

Move to California, you freaks.

Guys, guys, come on.

I mean, look at me. I'm not getting any younger

and neither is--

Well, it's true. Look how many years we've been wasting

looking for the perfect relationship.

And what did it get us? Nothing.

At least you and I are friends and care for each other

and right about now that's looking good.

And based on that, we want to hang out together and have a family.

Sam, if you feel that way, why don't you just go head and get married?

That's an awful big step, Woody.

I don't want to...

Sammy, if you want my two cents,

I think that you and Rebecca having a kid together

is very immoral.

Now, you and me having a kid out of wedlock,

that'd be a blast.

People, people, we cannot impose our own moral belief systems

on these two.

Yes, thank you very much.

The real question is,

will they make responsible parents?

That's right.

The answer is an emphatic "no."

Hey!

Sam, up until now, you and Rebecca have not taken into account

the years of sacrifice involved in the raising of a child.

You have not reckoned with the fact that

as soon as you have one, your lives will be irrevocably altered.

An infant demands constant attention. 24 hours a day.

Seven days a week.

It never says "please" or 'may I?" It just demands.

Let me have a scotch.

And say goodbye to vacations.

Say goodbye to ski weekends.

Because your life is baby, baby, baby.

Can I get a drink, please?

You know something? I'm really hurt.

I got to admit, that

you guys don't have enough faith in me

to see that I'm really serious about this thing.

Anyways, the whole point is Rebecca and I believe in what

we're doing, am I right?

Can we still get out of it, Sam?

Well? Come here.

Look those guys have some good points.

I mean, how do we know we're going to be good parents?

How does anybody know?

Maybe a little practice would help ease your nerves.

Would the two of you would like to take care of Frederick for an evening?

It may provide you with some confidence in your parenting skills

as well as give us a break

from that 16-year-old bundle of breasts

Frasier insists is God's gift to babysitting.

Would that make you feel better?

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

I think it's good. When can we do that?

Well, let me see.

Tonight...

Well, Frederick has his story hour at the library tonight.

Tomorrow is our Mommy and Me class.

Friday is Aqua-Tots.

Let me look at next month.

Sam, don't worry about it.

All we have to do is find somebody else and take care of their kids.

Nobody else in this bar has any kids.

Carla does.

No!

Forget it! No!

Sam, wait, no, look I am not going to have a baby

until I know that I will be a good parent.

Taking care of Carla's kids is not going to prove

that you're a good parent.

It just proves that you can survive in the wild.

Carla, Sam and I want to take care of your kids.

- Is that okay with you? - All of them?

- For how long? - The whole night.

And I don't have to be there?

No.

Oh, bless you!

Come on. No, no, stop.

Listen, stop it. come on.

We'll be there at 7:00.

Come on, honey. It's not too late.

Maybe Freddy can squeeze us in.

A whole night without my kids.

Thank you Saint Jude, patron saint of lost causes.

I have prayed for this day for 18 years.

First, you freed me from Diane,

and now this.

I am blessed. I am truly blessed.

Hey, Carla, did you realize that you're the same height

kneeling down as you are standing up?

Hi, Mom and Dad.

I want you to meet Kelly, my girlfriend.

She's holding the camera.

She's a beautiful girl.

Blonde hair...

Great smile...

Sparkling personality.

I wish you could see her.

Kelly, say hi to my parents. Now!

Hi.

Now!

Well, what do you think?

Pretty special, huh?

Kelly, say goodbye to my parents. Now!

Bye.

That was great.

Let's turn this baby on

and shoot it before we get stale.

Excuse me, Wood.

Don't you think your parents would like a shot with the two of you in it?

Why don't we sit down and chat about it? I got a few ideas cooking in here.

You know, a little percolating.

You know, maybe a nice two shot

and widen out to a master

with a little background lighting for a nice halo effect.

Wow, Mr. Clavin. You're a real expert.

Well, I'm a bit of a film buff, Woody.

I admire the works of all the greats, you know--

Kurosawa, Fellini, Hitch.

That's Hitchcock, Woody.

Here's an idea.

What do you say, we have Woody start this thing off.

I mean, he is an actor. He can just warm the whole thing up. Right, Wood?

Okay.

Ready.

And... action!

Hi, Mom and Dad.

Oh, Woody, I thought you were an actor.

Let's try this again, okay.

Remember, you haven't seen your parents for years.

You hunger for their love and affection.

You want them to know just how badly you miss them.

You left Indiana all of those many years ago to come to the big city.

You're practically a stranger, pal.

Action.

I love you, Mom and Dad.

I know I should have stayed on the farm.

I don't know why I left.

I guess I was just selfish.

Everybody always leaves the farm.

That's why America's in the condition it is.

I'm sorry.

Can you ever forgive me?

Please don't die before I come home again.

Aw, Woody, that was wonderful.

What do you say we turn this thing on and shoot this baby?

Hey. Carla's still rounding up the kids.

We could run for it.

Sam, now don't worry.

Carla's always exaggerating about her kids.

We'll be just fine.

Okay. The kids will be out in a minute. Just sign this.

What is it?

It's your standard release form. The insurance company requires it.

Sign there and initial the spots.

Okay, kids. Come on in!

Oh, aren't they adorable? Look, they are all lined up.

I bet it's not the first time either.

Look at you. You look so cute.

It's like The Sound of Music.

Oh, I wish I had a whistle.

Here, Miss Howe.

Oh, thank you.

I always wanted to do this.

Okay, now...

When I blow the whistle, you say your name.

Serafina,

and I'm spending the night with my boyfriend.

Isn't it more fun having this time with your family,

than going on some silly old date?

You better let me go.

My boyfriend's a retired cop.

Oh, no, you'd want to stay. You'll miss the games.

I'm missing them now.

All right. Everybody fed?

Yes, Mr. Malone.

Fine. Now, may I please have my pants back?

Check the oven.

What's the matter, Lud?

I can't find Mr. Tibbington.

Oh, honey, don't cry. Who is Mr. Tibbington, is that your kitty cat?

No, he's my eight-foot boa constrictor.

Well, we'll certainly keep our eyes out for him.

Wait, wait. Hold on a second.

There's only seven of us. Where's Anthony?

- He's out doing something. - What's he's doing?

Time.

Wait, stop eating for a minute, stop eating.

Here we are at the head of the table

just like real parents.

I think we should say a grace.

Now, I know we're not the real parents, but...

Sam, don't play footsy with me when I'm saying grace.

I'm not playing footsy.

Oh, it's Mr. Tibbington--

Aahhh!

You know, now that Sam's busy with this baby thing,

you guys are either going to have to live vicariously through somebody else

or get your own lives.

She's right, you know.

Wood... Thank you.

Listen, when you and Kelly go out on a date,

what do you guys do, huh?

Well. Last night we played three games of miniature golf

and stopped for ice cream at the Freeze 'n' Frost.

A little miniature golf there, huh?

Little ice cream action, huh?

Yeah.

Hey Woody.

He's an ice cream eating,

miniature golfing guy.

Look at us trying to sponge off other people's lives.

We're pathetic.

Hey, Phil.

New pants there, huh?

Yep.

That Phil.

He's a pants-wearing guy.

So Carla, how do you intend to spend your night of freedom?

Nothing special.

I'm gonna check into the Ritz for a night of R&R.

- Sounds nice. - Yeah, I think so.

I know Roy and Ralph are looking forward to it.

Oh, remember the Ritz Carlton, darling?

A night of unbridled passion

that remains unmatched to this day.

We've never been to the Ritz Carlton, Frasier.

Did I say the Ritz Carlton?

I meant the Four Seasons.

Strike two.

So, did you get a load of Phil's new pants?

You know, an older fellow like that,

you wouldn't think he would be able to get away with

still looking good in a pair of slacks,

but, darn if he doesn't pull it off.

Lilith, please blink.

Okay, I hope you all enjoyed the dinner as much as the wall did,

and I also want you to know that

Rebecca really enjoyed the dead-rat-in-the-bun-joke.

That was very funny.

Come on, honey. Pull yourself together.

You're going to frighten the kids.

I don't think I can take any more.

Come on. Of course you can.

You can't quit now. We've only--

Okay, who took my watch?

You see that? This is not a home.

This is a house of horrors.

No.

I mean, my God. They Krazy-glued the dryer door shut.

I know, but we got you out, didn't we?

But I'm still dizzy.

I'm going to leave.

No, no. Come on. We can't quit.

What are you going to do when we have kids of our own

Are you going to quit when the going gets tough?

I don't know.

No. Honey, listen.

We are almost up to bath time,

then we'll be home free, okay?

Okay

All right. Now, who's first?

I'm ready for my bath, Miss Howe,

and I'm a dirty, dirty boy.

Would you turn around?

Come on, go on!

Okay kids, now let's just get a shot of you in front of the whole bar.

All right?

Yeah. Okay.

Cliff, should I take off?

No, no. You just stay right where you are, Norm.

You're what we call, atmosphere.

What's that?

Atmosphere-- That's, you know, the people in the background

sitting around, drinking your beer,

- you know, it looks like you belong there. - All right!

Hey, everybody, I'm atmosphere!

Hey Cliff, can I be atmosphere, too?

Paulie, Paulie, Paulie. Personally, I love you, Paul,

but the camera doesn't.

Scoot.

All right now, everybody, 57th take is a charm.

All right? Now...

The Message Home. Scene one.

Action.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd--

Cut!

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, come here.

What I'm looking for is the energy of take 36

and the innocence of take 11.

You think you can do that for me?

I'm awfully tired, Mr. Clavin.

Attagirl.

Okay.

Scene one, take 58...

Action.

- Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd-- - Cut!

Kelly, you mind explaining to me

just what you think you're doing here?

Cliffy, lighten up, guy.

You're just getting a little serious about this.

Who told the atmosphere to talk?

You're out of here.

Paulie, your ship just came in. come on there buddy!

Hey, Mr. Clavin, I don't think I want to make this tape.

Me, neither.

All right, fine! Both of you get out of here!

Everybody get out! I can do the whole project myself.

- Cliff, please! - What?

You'll never get what you want by badgering these kids.

You've got to make them feel safe. After all, it's just a videotape.

Now, listen.

Why don't you pull up a chair here.

Try to calm yourself down.

- Have a beer. - All right.

We'll see if we can get this thing done, okay?

All right, all right.

Kelly, Woody.

Now, Kelly...

Just do whatever comes naturally to you.

Relax...

Be yourself...

No pressure.

And...

Simply say hello...

...to Woody's parents.

Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Boyd.

I'm Kelly Gaines.

Kelly, you...

You just don't have a clue, do you?

That's a wrap.

I'll tell you one thing. If anybody thinks parenthood is easy,

should try giving baths to those monsters.

- I learned a lot. - Yeah.

Yeah. I learned I could hold my breath for over a minute.

Although I can't quite remember my telephone number.

You know something?

Carla's kids aren't that bad.

No, they're really not.

They're sorta rambunctious and high-spirited,

but... all in all, I think they mean well.

You know, I was pretty much a scamp

When I was a kid, too.

I used to empty out the salt shakers and put in sugar.

Boy, what a prank.

Well, Sam...

We did it.

Hey, that's right. We passed your test, didn't we?

We took care of Carla's kids.

If we could do that, we could do anything.

You know something?

We're gonna be just fine.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Is that a prowler or just the kids?

Oh, I hope it's a prowler.