Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hi, Doc. What's with the getup?

As of this day, I'm changing my ways.

Not too long ago,

I used to be a healthy, robust individual.

Then I set foot in this bar,

started sitting around for hours when I should have been jogging,

started to gorge myself on snacks and sweets

instead of health food.

Well, now that I'm on the road to better health,

I'm taking you with me.

What do you mean, Doc?

Well, I've signed us up for a physical fitness program.

I don't know, Doc. Sounds like an awful lot of work.

I already took into account your legendary sloth,

and to make it easier for you, I've hired a trainer

to come here in person to help you exercise.

We tried that once.

You had a trained athlete

who came here and helped you work out?

Yeah.

Well, what happened?

I don't know. Ask him.

Paul.

You guys read Andy Capp today?

Okay, guys.

Hurry up and get your lunch orders in.

Dip 'n Fry closes in 20 minutes.

Yeah. if we don't hurry, they'll change the grease.

I can't seem to make up my mind here.

Every day, you stare at that damn menu,

and every day, you order the wing dings.

Maybe I would like something different today, Norm.

Sammy, I'm going to have the baked potato, please,

with sour cream and butter.

And put some cheddar on there, please.

Oh, and some jack cheese.

Bacon bits?

No. I'm watching my cholesterol.

Cliff ie?

I'll have the...

...wing dings.

Isn't that precious?

I can hardly wait till Sam and I have our baby.

Carla, do you think I'm gonna make a good mother?

Nope.

What do you mean?

You asked me a question, I gave you an answer.

But I'm serious.

Sorry. I'm just being honest.

You're not being honest. You're being mean.

Sometimes you get a twofer.

So you're saying that you don't think

that I can take care of a baby?

You kidding? I don't think you can take care of an egg.

- Oh, come on. - No. Really, really.

I'll bet you five bucks you can't take care of this egg

until Friday night at closing time.

Five bucks?

- Yeah. - You're on. Thanks.

Okay, I was practicing.

Now... start.

Norm, are you busy?

Good one.

Thanks. I thought of it last night in the shower.

Norm, Frasier and I were wondering if you would paint

our living room today.

Today? What's the rush?

Yesterday little Frederick was playing fireman

with the mustard and ketchup squeeze bottles,

and he put out our living room wall.

He is a Dickens.

I found it difficult to keep a straight face.

Well, I'm really kind of taking this week off.

From what?

From Vera. She's visiting her mother.

Nothing serious, I hope.

No. They're changing that tire that hangs from her ceiling.

I can take care of you guys. I can use the work.

Let's go check it out.

Tell you what, I think I can swing the whole thing today for...

...what do you say, $400?

That's a little pricey, isn't it?

Right. Well, say, 200,

and you supply the food and the beer?

400 it is.

Say, Norm, what kind of roller is that?

I don't know, Fras.

They have different kinds of rollers?

Yeah. Probably do.

Suppose some of them are better than the others?

Yeah, yeah, I suppose.

This one's okay though, Fras. Trust me.

Oh, oh, yeah.

I was just wondering about rollers.

Don't you have anything to do, like work or anything?

No, no, don't have to work today,

and Lilith doesn't let me watch TV during the daytime.

Say, can I help you with anything? Stir the paint, maybe?

No. They shook it up over at the paint store.

Yeah. Right. Those machines that shake the paint.

Say, I wonder who invented that.

There's a guy that really made a worthwhile contribution, you know?

I mean, if he was a guy. It could've been a woman, I guess.

Isn't that interesting?

Why would I assume just right off that that would be a man?

Frasier, I'm starting to miss Cliff.

Right, right, right.

- How's Norm doing? - Oh, fine, I guess.

Oh, say, Norm. The guy on This Old House says

that you should apply paint with vertical strokes.

Yeah? What's This Old House?

It's a show on PBS.

What's PBS?

Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away.

You know, I was just trying to point out

that it seemed a little silly for a television show

to waste all that air time explaining to paint a certain way

when you can just slap it on willy-nilly.

I'd love to stay here all day and defend myself,

but I can't reach that top spot,

so I'm gonna go home and get my big ladder.

You could reach it from the top of the ladder.

Oh, no, no. You see that sticker on the ladder there?

You're not supposed to go above that step.

Oh, come on. You're just being a big baby.

Look. You're almost done,

and you don't want it to dry two different colors.

Don't tell me. The guy from This Old House?

If he wasn't professional,

he wouldn't be the guy from This Old House,

he'd just be some guy.

- Now come on. Get up there. - No.

I'm gonna get hurt, fall down. No way.

All right, you big baby. I'll do it myself.

Frasier, come on now.

- Hand me that roller. - Frasier, relax, will you?

Okay, so maybe it is a little hazardous.

Norm, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

All I can say is I am so, so sorry. What else can I say?

I know something you can stop saying.

- Here you are, Norm. - Thank you.

Norm, don't lift up your neck like that.

Remember what Dr. Phelps said. You've got a bruised disk.

Don't want to aggravate it by moving in any way.

Well, at least it won't affect my lifestyle much.

Can you just drop me off at home, Frasier?

Okay, Norm. Just be careful.

No, no. We can't take him home. Vera's out of town.

Can you imagine Norm just sitting there

all alone in his house, helpless in front of the TV?

Hang onto your hat, but yes.

Look, Lilith, the least I owe Norm is the comfort of our home,

at least until Vera comes back.

I see what this is.

You want your little friend to stay over.

Well... he doesn't move much.

All right. if you clean up after him, you can keep him.

But the first time I have to do it, out he goes.

Do you hear that, Norm? You can stay.

Say, listen...

Tell her you want to watch some television.

800.

Literature.

808.83.

Short monologues.

Boy, Mr. Clavin, you sure know your Dewey Decimal System.

Cheers.

Hey, guys, it's Norm.

Norm!

Hey, what's shaking, man?

Where does he come up with these things?

That is great.

How are you doing?

I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, we're gonna miss you around here.

Take it easy.

Yeah, all right. Bye-bye.

Poor guy.

Threw his back out over at Frasier's house.

Can't move. Lilith's taking care of him.

Poor Norm.

Oh, boy.

I hope it's not serious.

If anything happened to the big guy,

I don't know what I'd do.

It's too bad it takes something bad to happen

for us to really appreciate him.

Yeah. Really makes you stop and think, huh?

Flip you for his stool.

Heads.

Hey!

Lilith, could you put a head on this, please?

Norm, for two days now, I've been seeing to your every need.

I think it's time we had a little talk.

Oh, great. Could I go first?

Because there's something I've been really wanting to say.

Lilith, you and I are very different people.

I mean, look at you. You're successful, ambitious.

You got a great career, lovely family.

Me, I'm just a guy who sits on a barstool

and hangs out all day with his dorky friends.

I don't know. I guess I've always sort of felt...

...sorry for you.

The point I'm trying to make here, Lilith,

is that, even though I don't understand

half the stuff you guys talk about,

quantum physics and...

Oh, oh. That's easy.

Once you accept the duality of light as both a particle and a wave...

Yeah, whatever. Who cares, really?

The point is, Lilith,

that I realize you've been trying to help me,

and I appreciate that.

And in the future,

I, for one, will not be so quick to just blow you off.

Sadly, Norm, that's one of the nicest things

anyone's ever said to me.

Thank you for that gift.

Could you get that?

That's probably the pizza that I ordered.

I had to put it on your MasterCard. Thank you for that gift.

Yo! Anybody home? Hey, Lilith, how you doing?

- Hey! - Cliff ie!

Hey, how's it going? I was in the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd stop in.

Yeah? You finished your route?

No. They can wait. Heck.

There's nothing happening today.

The biggest thing today is some old lady wrote some guy

saying that she was his natural mother.

It's a soap opera out there, Norm.

Well, well. Norm and Cliff in my home.

Usually at this point, I wake up drenched in sweat.

Yeah, now there's an image, huh?

Ah... now, Cliff ie.

Back off now, Cliff.

Lilith and I have been talking. Turns out she's just regular folks.

Sure she is.

What's a guy got to do to get a drink around here?

Cliff...

...this is not a tavern. This is my home.

Do you see a bartender? Do you see any beer?

Oh! There he is!

Normie can't come to the beer, then the beer comes to Normie.

Hey, Lilith, want to get us some glasses there?

You know, Norm...

It's a little bit strange watching TV at eye level.

You get used to it, though.

No. Actually, you probably won't get used to it, Cliff.

Remember, you're just stopping by.

I don't know there, Lilith. I mean, Sam's pouring, you got ESPN.

It's just like Cheers.

Yes, but it's not Cheers.

This is a private home, and comfortable though it may be,

I'm sure you have other things to do.

You know, Cliff, Lilith's right. You got your route to finish.

We'll be here when you get back.

Gentlemen, I'm afraid the party is over.

As enjoyable as this has been,

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Well, this must be the place.

- This guy drives like a maniac. - How would you know?

You were playing with my radio the whole way.

How can you listen to that crap?

Hey, guys. What'll you have here?

Listen, everyone. Norm needs peace and quiet.

For that matter, so do Frasier and I.

So if you don't mind...

Wing dings! Get them while they're hot.

Paul! Phil! Good to see you.

Those directions weren't too complicated, were they?

Look, honey, it's Phil and Paul.

May I see you in the kitchen, darling?

I'll just...

I'll put in another batch.

Frasier.

Frasier.

Doctor, are you listening to me?

Yes, yes. Please continue.

I hate it when you do that.

Say, what time is it?

It's 1:00 in the morning, And your friends are still downstairs.

Just try to ignore it, Lilith. It's only for a couple more days.

I will not ignore it.

Now go down there and get rid of them.

I can't, dear.

I'm the one that hurt Norm. I feel responsible.

But you're not responsible for the others.

Yeah, but you don't understand, dear.

You get one, you get them all.

It's like a hive mentality.

Norm must be their queen.

Get rid of them now.

And if I don't?

Would you like to ever see me naked again in the nineties?

You know, that would be more effective if you didn't use it

every time you ever want me to do something.

All right, people. Enough is enough.

Oh, come on, man.

Stop it right now!

I want you people out of my house!

Gee, Lilith, what's wrong?

You've taken advantage of our hospitality.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Lilith, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?

Cheers.

This is not Cheers.

Call back.

And you, I thought you were getting rid of them.

I asked them to leave, and they said no.

You never asked us to leave, Fras.

Shut up, Cliff. I'm in a little pickle here.

I will not have my home turned into a circus.

There is only one person who has any right to be here.

Is it me?

Fat chance, mister.

I'm talking about Norm.

Where the hell is Norm?

He said his back was feeling better so he hit the bricks.

I think he went to Cheers.

And you people are still here?

If you're not gone by the time I get back,

Frasier, you're a dead man. Do you hear me?

Carla, I did it.

It's almost closing time,

and here's my little egg, safe and sound.

Pay up.

Darn the luck.

Say, you don't have change for a 20, do you?

Where did you get that money?

Well, I bet some of the guys that I could make you carry

an egg around the bar for three days running.

I won 150 bucks.

Here's your five. Go crazy.

The important thing to remember here is that I proved my point.

What did you prove?

That you could take care of an egg?

Babies are a lot bigger and heavier.

Now, if you could, say...

...carry a watermelon...

...say, between your legs,

from one end of the bar to the other

and cluck like a chicken,

now, that would prove that you're ready for motherhood.

Good night, Carla.

Here's your 20, Carla.

I thought she'd do it.

Norm.

Oh, no, Dr. Sternin-Crane.

You're supposed to yell, "Norm!" when he comes in the door.

Don't worry. It took me a little while to get used to it, too.

- What's wrong, Lilith? - What the hell are you doing here?

My back started feeling a lot better,

and I was really getting kind of tired of those guys.

Norm, perhaps you'll understand an analogy.

Have you ever had a dog and the dog had fleas,

but then when the dog left, your house was still infested?

Oh, yeah. That happened to me. Only it wasn't a dog. It was a pig.

We had fleas the size of golf balls.

Woody, I'm not interested.

I'm trying to have a conversation with Norm.

Oh, golf balls, huh?

Got so bad we had to bomb the whole house.

Those flea bombs are great, huh?

What's a flea bomb?

Stop it! Just stop it!

I came by to tell you

that your behavior has been unconscionably rude.

You let your friends overrun my home,

and then when you leave, you don't even have the decency

to take them with you.

That's all I have to say.

Good night.

Wait, Lilith. Lilith, wait a minute now.

You're absolutely right, and I'm sorry.

You're up already.

Why don't you just relax and have a drink?

Come on. You took care of me for two days,

the least I can do is buy you a drink.

Come on. Come on. You can sit on my stool.

Come on.

Woods, scotch.

I may as well.

My house is filled with people who hate me.

They're all angry at me because I spoiled the big party.

I'm the wet blanket. I'm the drudge.

I'm the big party pooper.

Stop me when you disagree.

I will.

You know, Norm, you may find this surprising,

but I'm somewhat off-putting to most people.

No, no, it's true.

I don't have many friends.

I've never been very good at making friends.

I think it's easy, Lilith.

You just have to relax a bit.

Just sort of loosen up.

- You mean, just be myself? - No.

You weren't listening. Just relax.

Loosen up.

Okay, I'll try it.

Oh, wow. This feels much better.

See?

I've been looking at this all wrong.

I'm going to go back to my house,

and I'm going to be the life of that party.

And it won't be that disorganized, carousing fun they've been having.

It's going to be good, clean, organized fun.

We'll play Pictionary, then Botticelli, then it's Charades till dawn.

I'll rush home and type up a party schedule.

I'll make copies...

Oh, I wonder if they have a copy center open at this hour?

I know. Why not make a game out of trying to find one?

Frasier, it's Norm.

Get out of the house while you still can.