All language subtitles for Cheers.S10E03.Madame.LaCarla.1080p.BluRay.FLAC2.0.H.264-BTN_track4_[eng]

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

I got something to add
to the conversation.

If a 100-megaton warhead
detonated over the City of Boston,

the results would be so horrific,
that the survivors would envy the dead.

We weren't having
a conversation, Cliff.

Well, then food for thought.

Hi, guys.

- Hey, there he is!
- All right, a star is born!

Oh, Woody.

Woody, you opened last night
in Arsenic and Old Lace.

Why didn't you tell me
so I could go?

Well, I did tell you, Miss Howe.

I told you dozens of times
and I sent you an invitation

with a cute little cartoon
of me drawn on it.

You said you were going to be there

and I reserved a seat
for you in the front row.

Then I was sick.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you feeling better?

So-so.

Well, it's probably best
you didn't come last night.

I still got to iron out a few bugs.

All I can tell you, Woody,
is that Ma loved the play.

I mean, there's something
about the idea of sweet old ladies

being cold-blooded murderers.

That just seemed
to tickle her funny bone.

All the way home
she just laughed and laughed.

Matter of fact,
I woke up at 3:00 a.m.,

and there she was,
sitting in my room in a rocking chair,

rocking back and forth, staring at me
and making this low, guttural chuckle.

Boy, does she love the theater.

Hi, guys!

Carla, your psychic called.

Madame Lazora called me?

Yeah. She's coming by today.

Madame Lazora is coming by?

Maybe she just wants to say hello.

Oh, no, no, no.
You don't understand.

Madame Lazora does not just say hello.

She must've had a horrible premonition
of me getting hurt or killed

or pregnant.

Look, Carla, if you're really concerned
what this charlatan has to say,

- why don't you just call her?
- Yeah, you're right, Doc.

I might as well
just get it over with.

Wait a minute.

What if she was calling me

to warn me to keep away
from telephones?

What if she's seen a vision of me

horribly disfigured
in a telephone accident?

Carla, don't be ridiculous.

Woody, you okay?

I don't know, Mr. Peterson.
This is bad. I can't breathe.

I can't move.

Hey, Woody, your review is out.

It is? Oh, boy!

I can't wait to read it!

I'm going to make copies
and send them to my mom!

Oh, here, here.
You read it, Mr. Peterson.

I'm too nervous.

Well, he likes it.

- 'A charming romp."
- A charming romp!

He likes the cast. "A deft ensemble."

Deft ensemble!

What does he say about me?

And he sort of goes on and on.

No, no, go ahead.
Read it. I can take it.

"Woody Boyd is weak."

Weak?

Is that all?

Not handsome and weak?

Well, Woody,
you know what they say.

There's no such thing as bad press

as long as they spell
your name right.

Actually, it says,
"Woody Doyb is weak."

Oh, Madame Lazora.

I sense the tortured anguish
of many lost souls screaming for release.

That's probably me.
I had kielbasa for breakfast.

Madame Lazora, let me go get Carla.

She's gonna want
to see you right away.

- She's been kind of worried.
- I sensed she would be worried.

- How did she know?
- Amazing.

Oh, Carla, darling,
I must talk to you.

Please sit down.

Sam, just stay with me.
I'm really scared.

All right, okay, all right. Here we go.

Just tell me it's going to be
quick and painless.

I don't understand.

You don't foresee
a hideous disaster in my future?

Of course I do,
but that's not why I'm here.

Well, then why?

Well, I have decided to retire

and move to Florida
at the end of the year.

I see myself on Miami Beach
with those muscular cabana boys.

See, I told you there's
nothing to worry about.

Nothing to worry about?

Madame Lazora has been
my spiritual advisor

since I was 17 years old.

Without her, my life would've been
a complete disaster.

- Honey, I thought your life...
- Well, it could've been worse.

Sam, you're smothering me.
Get the lady a drink.

I'd like a beer, please.

Oh, wow, she read my mind.

Madame Lazora, if you retire,
what am I supposed to do?

Who am I going to turn to?
Who are all your clients going to turn to?

You.

Why me?

Because Princess Katya
said it would be so.

Princess Katya said that?

Sam, did you hear that?

Princess Katya has chosen me
to take over for Madame Lazora.

Who's princess Katya?

Just Madame Lazora's spirit guide,
her contact from the other side.

Katya. She was a 17th century
Romanian princess,

very much misunderstood in her day.

The villagers hammered
a mask lined with spikes

onto her face and burned her at the stake.

And to this day, that woman
still keeps her sense of humor.

Well, you got to admire that, don't you?

Princess Katya thinks
I have spiritual gifts?

She knows.

And tonight, when I return,
all the secrets of the spirit world

will be revealed to you.

- Well, why can't we start right now?
- I have to get my teeth cleaned.

We all have many lives,
but only one set of teeth.

I'm going to be a psychic!
Who could've predicted that?

I guess I better start practicing.

Sam, I'm going
to read your mind, okay?

Think of something.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- You're thinking about your car.
- No.

You're thinking about some babe.

No.

Well, wait a minute,
give me a minute. I can do this.

Just give me a chance.

You're thinking about your hair.

No.

Come on, Sam, that's everything
you ever think about.

That's not true.
I think about other things.

Yeah, like what?

Well, I was thinking about
what happened at the end

of "Planet of the Apes." I fell asleep.

Well, Sammy, Chuck Heston
found the decayed ruins

of the Statue of Liberty.

What are you saying?

Are you saying he was
on Planet Earth the whole time?

Man, I wasn't even close.
I guess I'm just fooling myself.

What a prize dork,
thinking I had the power.

Oh, come on, just cause
you didn't get it the first time?

- Come on, let's do it again.
- What's the use?

Come on, I wasn't concentrating.
We both weren't concentrating.

Now come on. Let's do it.

Okay. I'm going to do it
one more time.

You got to just relax,
though, Sam, okay?

- All right.
- I see something.

It's you...

And you're young...

And... it's summer.

And there's an animal, a pet.
You had a pet, didn't you, Sam?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

And you loved him very much.

Yeah, I did love him.

Suddenly this is all so clear.

Frasier...

I see you as a young boy

reading all those books
and not having any friends.

Norm, I see you
having lots of friends

and not reading any books.

And, Cliff, I see you...

Sam, Sam, there's more.

That pet...

...it's a Labrador named Sparky,
and he's running to a woman.

It's your mother.
Her black hair is waving in the wind.

Oh, my God, this is so incredible!

Madame Lazora was right.
I am gifted. I am a seer.

Marry that girl.

Quit that job!

I have the power!

How do you explain that, Dr. Crane.

Why ask me, Woody?

Do I know something
that no one else knows?

I mean, we all saw what we saw.

I mean, do you enjoy
having me explain

every little thing that happens?

You know, I mean,

"Let's ask the esteemed
Dr. Crane. He'll know."

Well, I'm sorry, Woody.
I have no answer for you.

Frankly, I'm downright scared.

To tell the truth,
I got a little creeped out

when she got that dog's name.

Frasier, calm down, man. I lied.

I just didn't want
to hurt her feelings.

I knew that.

Sam, can I have a scotch?

Oh, excuse me,
I'm looking for Woody Boyd.

- Oh, no.
- What is it?

It's my director... Lee Bradken.

Is Woody Boyd here?

Tell him I'm not here.

I'm sorry, Mr. Bradken, he's not here.

How did you know
my name was Bradken?

Tell him it was a lucky guess.

Lucky guess.

Who's that person crouching
by the side of your leg?

Okay, give me
a minute on this one.

Woody, what do you mean

by saying you're not going
to do the show tonight?

Okay, I'm sorry, Mr. Bradken.
You're too smart for me.

Not that my partner
gave me a lot of help.

It's just that I read
that scathing review

and I just don't think
I can face an audience.

I'm not saying your performance
was weak, Woody,

but if it was, and it was, then maybe
that's because, as an actor,

you're afraid to examine
your own feelings.

Here, I want you to do an exercise.

Write down your true feelings
as they come to you. Okay?

Now, how do you feel right now?

I feel weak.

Not what other people
tell you to feel.

Do you really feel weak?

I feel strong.

Darn right, you do.

And how do you feel
about that critic?

Am angry.

So how are you going to get even?

TP his house.

No. By giving the best
performance you can give.

Look, I talked the critic
into coming back tonight, Woody.

If you can change his mind,
he'll say so in tomorrow's column.

Now, Woody, how do you feel
about going on tonight?

Feel great.

And how do you feel
about your fellow actors?

I am better than other actors.

Well, Woody...

Can direct better than Bradken.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

You've still got a long way to go.

I'll see you tonight.

Is jealous of my youth
and good looks.

Guys, it's going to be so cool
being a spiritualist.

Poor Carla, it's going
to break her heart

when she sees that
she can't read the future.

Well, she must be able to, Miss Howe.

She filled out her time card
for the whole week.

She's gonna work 80 hours
between now and Friday.

That is eerie.

Are you ready to receive
the spirit of Princess Katya?

You bet I am.

I can't wait to quit
this penny-ante job

and start doing something
I'm more suited for.

Excellent. Now all we need
is a nice quiet, dark place

where we won't be disturbed.

No problem, I'll clear out the pool room.

Good.

Hey, isn't that
Michelle Pfeiffer out front?

And who's she with? Kevin Costner?

Where? Where?

Hey, Sammy.

Catch you later.
When you see me again,

I'm going to be
on a higher astral plane.

Yeah, well, wait,
hold on a second here.

You're not serious
about quitting Cheers, are you?

- Because if you are...
- No, you don't have to tell me.

I can read your mind.

You're afraid that we're
going to grow apart

and we're not gonna be
friends anymore,

because I'll be a psychic
and you'll be a lowly bartender.

Honey, you remember when
you were reading my mind?

Well, you didn't get as much
right as you thought.

Oh, yeah, what did I get wrong?

Everything.

But everything was so clear.

Well, okay, maybe I didn't
read your mind,

but I was definitely
reading somebody's mind,

because those images
were as clear as day.

- Come on, Carla.
- Okay, all right.

Who here had a mother with black hair
and a Labrador Retriever?

Come on! I can't be the only one.

Carla

Princess Katya and I are waiting.

Madame Lazora, I can't do this.

I'm sorry, but I am just not
cut out for this kind of stuff.

Are you telling me

that princess Katya
and I are wrong?

I'm telling you that I don't have
any psychic powers.

I tried.

The problem is you have no faith.

And without faith, you are not worthy
to house the spirit of Princess Katya.

I had such high hopes for you,

but now you're nothing
but an empty disappointment.

Farewell forever, Carla.

Lazora, halt.

I am Princess Katya.

I am inside Carla.

What happened?

Carla, you had faith,
and it happened.

It did?

- I did it? I did it!
- Yes, yes. You are a natural.

And more and more,
you will be able to see the spirits

of the dead are all around you.

And very soon, you will see them

lingering in the shadows
of this very bar, just as I do.

Oh, that's just Lilith.
Everyone makes that mistake.

All the tools you will need
are here in this carved box.

Precious crystals,
windows to the unseen future...

The tarot cards,
ancient diviners of fortune...

The I Ching coins,
symbols of oriental wisdom...

The moist towelettes.

You get a lot of trade
off the street in this business.

Hello! Hello!

What's that, a spirit?

No, no, no, that's Bob, your first client.

I'll never forget my first client.

- Who was it?
- Bob.

Madame Lazora,
I'm really not ready for Bob.

Don't worry. I'll be here with you.

There's just one more piece
of information you need

to fully understand
your mission here.

Look, Madame Lazora,
you don't understand.

I have a terrible confession to make.

Back in the bar,

Princess Katya didn't
really enter my body.

I was just faking it so that
I wouldn't disappoint you.

I don't have any psychic powers.

I'm just an awful person.
I hope you don't hate me.

Oh, Carla, I'm so proud of you

for having the courage
to be honest with me.

Oddly enough,

this relates to the information
I was about to give you.

- What's that?
- I'm a complete fraud.

Now, we just have time
to work on your spooky voice.

- What?
- Your spooky voice.

You have to learn to speak lower.
Talk more from the diaphragm.

You're a fraud?

All these years
you've been leading me on?

Hi.

Oh, hello, Bob.

I want you to meet
your new spiritual advisor,

Madame Carla.

Hello, Madame Carla.

Hello, Bob.

Madame Carla...

...study Bob's aura.

Tell me, what do you see?

Can you see something?

Yeah, I can see something.

I can see that you're
a sucker, a big dope.

For 20 years, you have been
forking over your hard-earned cash

to a sleazy con artist.

You have been taken in
by the cheapest,

most obvious scam in the world
just because you wanted to believe it.

I see that you should wise up, chump.

That will be $50, please.

I wonder what's wrong with Carla.

We all know what's wrong with Carla

but I'm the only one
with enough courage to say it.

Not enough bran.

Hi, everybody.

Hey, Woody, how did it go?

It was a great performance, Sam.

I actually got a chance
to talk to that critic afterward,

and he said that I was much improved.

Well, I can't wait to go
see you next week.

Ah, well, no, actually,
I'm not in it anymore, Sam.

What happened?

Well, the other actors read
my notebook and got upset.

Well, Woody, people can be very sensitive.

Well, I think they're being
a little oversensitive.

I mean, come on, Dr. Crane,
if you read my notebook

that you were a snobby,
know-it-all windbag,

- would you be upset?
- Yes, I probably would.

I guess someone ought
to go talk to Carla, huh?

Allow me.

Carla, would you like
to talk about it?

No.

Well, then would you
like me to show you

the correct fingering
for "Greensleeves"?

She's a fake.

Madame Lazora is a fraud.

All these years
she's been nothing but a fake.

I am sorry, Carla.

I don't suppose this is
an appropriate moment

to say "I told you so"?

No, this is the perfect moment to say it.

I told you so.

I can't believe it.

Well, I can, but then again,
I did tell you so.

All right! Just give me
a minute to wallow.

I'm sorry.

If she's a fake,
then everything's a fake.

Everything I ever
believed in is wrong.

I guess that's it.

I got nothing left. Game over.

Carla, Madame Lazora
is just one individual.

Don't give her the power
to destroy your entire belief system.

You know, the mystic world
that's given you so much comfort

may very well exist.

- You don't really believe that.
- Well, of course I do.

Although, if it doesn't,
I'm logging in right now

to say "I told you so."

The truth is, no one knows.

What's your point?

That you should profit
from this experience.

You've graduated
from Madame Lazora.

You've become a stronger Carla,
a smarter Carla, one who's learned.

You want to know what I've learned?

I've learned that a woman
with a funny voice

and some fancy scarves
can charge any stupid idiot 50 bucks

just to tell him
what he wants to know.

Hey.

What is it, Carla?

I got a scarf.

I can do a spooky voice.

Now, Carla...

Gather round, everybody,

and I will tell you
of the future for 50 bucks.

Carla, no!

You're right.

60 bucks.

Gather round. Gather round.

Thanks, Frase.

Well...

I guess my work here is done.